[Emma]

Wanted to get this up on Sunday but overtime happened.

Realized last night while I was having a bit of a breakdown on the phone with my awesome boss that I was actually overwhelmed by too much overtime and too many long drives rather than depressed. So I am calling  my topic simply: overwhelmed.

 California has officially declared the pandemic over and dropped mask mandates and many of the Covid protocols in the nursing homes. Last night was the first time since the shutdown that I didn’t have to get my temperature checked and fill in my contact info with the receptionist. As a matter of fact the receptionist desk was empty.  Felt pretty weird. All the nurses and myself were still wearing masks and most likely will continue since we are dealing with a fragile population. I hope you don’t  relax too much my friends. Covid may have mutated to something weaker but its death rate is still three times that of the flu. I plan to wear n 95s at work, surgical masks at the grocery store and bookstore and avoid crowds still.

 My biggest stress outside work is food. This challenge, to hell with that.

 I have barely left my home since the pandemic started. Have not been doing my back exercises regularly. So my goals for this challenge are to eat whatever and not worry about it, but to get out of my comfy chair and start walking again and do my back exercises daily, if not twice daily. 

[Emma]

Sitting in my comfy chair. No problem doing my back exercises but leaving the house to do my walk? Nope. No problem  going to grocery store and bookstore but doing my walk? Really really don’t want to leave the house. There are six bags of garbage sitting on the floor that need to go to the dumpster. That’s about two weeks worth and I still don’t want to leave the house to take them out.

[Emma]

I don’t like being noticed, especially don’t like being recognized. Well, that’s something to dig into.

[Emma]

I was asked  to go to San Francisco Tuesday  night before my little breakdown and refusal. I was supposed to do just the one case on the board and go home. I ended up doing a full eight hours just picking up stats in my own area. Marin, Sonoma, napa, contra costa and solano counties. And I turned down the last stat because I would have been in that bad neighborhood after midnight, the neighborhood the sheriff told me to stay out of after dark. And I didn’t get any of the routines done.
I started saying yes to going to other areas because I thought it was an emergency because we were short staffed, like everyone else. I said yes to a shift on my day off because I thought it was an emergency. It’s become routine now, though. We used to have five full time and one part time tech covering this area, now we are down to four full time and it’s been a few years like that. Looks like they are not going to hire anyone else. Other areas are short staffed as well, which is how I get all that overtime, going to areas outside my normal assignment because there is no coverage at all. Well, I’m exhausted and overwhelmed and done with all this overtime. No more work on my days off. And maybe outside my area only on Saturday and Sunday, when it usually is pretty slow.

 As a general note, medical business lost a lot of staff during the pandemic (death from Covid and burnout) but we who were left bravely and nobly soldiered on providing care because it was an emergency. The higher ups noticed that we were handling much larger case loads and said to themselves  “we are making tons of money here , let’s keep the workload as it is and not fill those empty positions.”Which is why medical people are burning out like crazy.  If your nurses are striking their primary concern is nurse to patient staffing, how many patients one nurse is responsible for, aka “the ratio”. In California this ratio is mandated by state law, but nowhere else. When the ratio is raised too high, and it has been crazy high since Covid, the patients die. Nurses are human, unlike the greedy lizards in the “C suite”, aka the corporate offices, and there is only so much one nurse can do before their patients start dying. And when patients die, is it the fault of administrators who refuse to hire more nurses? No, of course not. It’s the nurse with three times as many patients as she can handle who gets blamed and sued and fired and sometimes goes to jail.
 

[Tanktimus the Encourager]

You hit the nail on the head. So glad you decided to stop doing overtime. Welcome to the magical world of no.

[Emma]

Thank you, Tank.
I have been a frickin hero the past three years and I need to rest. And so do all other medical staff.

 The not being noticed thing is about not wanting to be judged because I have been judged negatively so often. Parents, ex, and most recently the church full of snobs.

 One set of back exercises done, two bags of garbage out, and one added, sigh. It’s not horribly cold yet so I have no excuse for not taking out a couple of more bags and then another set of back exercises. Get out of the chair, Emma. It’s okay to get out of the comfy chair, Emma. Seriously, get up! Okay, okay.

[Ranger Hal]

2 hours ago, Emma said:

I have been a frickin hero the past three years and I need to rest.

You have, and I hope you get the rest you need.

[Emma]

Rough night. Home at 3 am, three hours overtime. Only did stats in my area. Obnoxious patients, nurses with no English. There was this one woman wearing a velvet top and blue jeans and no name tag, speaking gibberish. I caught an English word here and there, but gave up trying to understand her and looked to the other woman at the desk for translation. Another place they gave me an order that read “upright xray scoliosis”. What? We don’t xray scoliosis period (I need a body part thank you, not a diagnosis) and  we don’t have the equipment to do an upright exam.  It took me a while to convince them that I need a clearer order. There were three nurses all talking over each other in another language. I had to try several times to interrupt them because they wouldn’t shut up. Scoliosis kept coming up and I kept telling them we can’t do an upright but they didn’t get it. Diversity sucks.

Todays goals:

more sleep

gentle exercise

nutrition

[Emma]

Started Sunday night with seven exams on my list.

At the first stop, I had two exams at a lock down mental ward, I rang and rang and called and had dispatch call and nobody answered. Moving on. Spent a lot of quality time with IT, switching to new software (ARRRGH!)  Managed to complete the next three exams in between calls to IT. Next to last stop, no doctor order. More quality time with IT.  Last stop said to hell with it I’m tired and it’s not a stat and they won’t want to wake the patient this late anyway (Another mental facility).  Out of seven exams I only managed to complete three. I don’t think boss is too happy with me today, he wants me to pick up stats in San Francisco.  Lots of exams were on the board last night when I went to bed and only two techs were scheduled. I don’t want to look.

Been getting sleep, some exercise but not enough.

 Therapist group was supposed to call this morning and set up appointment. Nothing.

[Tanktimus the Encourager]

Boss can hire more people if he isn't happy.

[Emma]

Two restful days off. Didn’t do much of anything except stare at the wall and sleep and eat. It was good food, though, not junk. Found this on reddit. I’m going to try it.

 

Do these for 30 days and you will be unrecognizable.

-sleep 8 hours

-drink 2 liters of water daily

-get sun daily

-no sugar

-read for 30 mins a day

-workout 3x a week

-capture  someone and cut their face off and sew it onto your face

-meditate 10 mins daily

Sounds like a reasonable plan.

Question: does staring at a blank wall for 10 minutes count as meditating? Please say yes.

I am adding for myself

-shower 2x a week

-3 meals and one snack daily

- walk and stretches daily

Sounds so simple. 

Have an appointment with a therapist next week. Finally!

[fleaball]

I saw that post. Too much effort for me lmao. 

[Emma]

Starting my shift with ten cases. Most leftover from yesterday. I said I wasn’t going to work last night and they didn’t get anyone else to cover.

this is going to be a rough night.

[Tanktimus the Encourager]

2 hours ago, Emma said:

Starting my shift with ten cases. Most leftover from yesterday. I said I wasn’t going to work last night and they didn’t get anyone else to cover.

this is going to be a rough night.

I'm proud of you for saying no. When you're done tonight (note that does not mean when there are no more cases)  go home.

[Emma]

Started last night with eleven cases. Then boss added a stat in Oakland and told me to unassign a couple. Another stat came in. I didn’t finish my list last night but got home on time.  I’m the only one working so the leftover cases will still be here today plus whatever else comes in. I haven’t looked yet. Don’t want to. Boss is at least aware that I’m struggling and said he doesn’t want me to redline and should let him know what I need. Still in recovery mode today. Forget that stupid list. Sleep, eat, laundry, exercise. Two more weeks to vacation.

[Tanktimus the Encourager]

This is exactly the way to handle it. Well done.

[Emma]

Boss asked me to cover San Francisco stats today. Starting with eleven cases, one of them is over two hours away. That’s four hours round trip just driving. Not in a good mood here. Won’t get much done today. Oh well. I am merely following orders.

[Emma]

I can’t do this anymore. Had to tell boss I was swearing at the patients and needed to go home. He said ok, go home. They want more facilities and we can’t keep up with the work we’ve got now and they aren’t hiring. I can’t do this.

[Tanktimus the Encourager]

Nope, you can't, and you're not supposed to be able to. I'm sorry. 

[Emma]

So the therapist said I need to figure out what to do . This is not helpful.

[Emma]

I’m tired of cooking and angry that people keep telling me I need to. And I try and fail and get angry at myself for doing what others tell me I should do.

 

I’m angry at what this society has become. Graffiti, homeless on the street, marijuana shops (dont we have enough trouble with alcohol?), my old piano teachers house is now a tattoo parlor, rap being blasted on the street (not everybody likes that crap you rude inconsiderate moron), casinos everywhere (a lot of people had big problems with gambling before,  this isn’t helping), school shootings and the politicians not doing anything about keeping guns away from people who shouldn’t have them, and, of course, the worst of it, gangs and the violence they bring with them and the drugs that destroy people before they realize what happened.

 

 I get seriously pissed with tech that doesn’t work like it should.

 

 I’m angry because so many people suck.

 

 I get overwhelmed when I see how many cases are on the board.

 

 Awesome boss called and told me to call in sick if I don’t think I can do a shift without swearing at patients.

 

I am angry at myself for not being able to handle it.

 

I thought I was okay to work today but I’m already crying. What’s wrong with me?

[Tanktimus the Encourager]

9 minutes ago, Emma said:

What’s wrong with me?

Burnout and years of trauma are what's wrong, NOT you. I'm sorry things are so hard right now.

[fleaball]

hugs. I'm sorry that's all I can offer. but tank is right, nothing is wrong with you for feeling this way. It's just Too Much happening at once.

[Emma]

Hugs are greatly appreciated, thank you.

 Doing better yesterday. Day 4 without the d***drug. Still having the brain zaps but not as severe or frequent.

 Realizing some sources of my stress. Boss has been micromanaging more, which I hate, but he kinda has to because of understaffing. Sending us to other areas requires access to the big picture which I don’t have. I feel  overwhelmed and pressured when I see a long list of exams to complete during my shift. I prefer to just pick a couple of exams and then select more as I go through my shift. It’s easier for me to feel in control and to stay flexible when stats come in, and I don’t feel so overwhelmed if I don’t have to look at a list of how bloody much I have to do.

 I also think a lot of my bad mood lately has been part of the cymbalta withdrawal. I was feeling really mellow yesterday. If I have to take brain zaps in order to feel mellow instead of angry, I’ll take them thank you.

[Emma]

My back and hips had been hurting since I got sick last month.  I was able to take care of my back fairly quickly but the tight hip flexors have been taking longer. Last night was the first night in a long time that I felt almost no pain in my hips.  Still can’t climb stairs though, so more exercise needs to be done.

Brain zaps are still  happening but mild and tolerable enough. I’d rather have them than the anger still.

I managed to do 9 exams last night without feeling overwhelmed. I was able to stay in my own area so didn’t have to do so much driving. Boss wanted this one exam done and then left me alone. Much better without him micromanaging.