[Heidi]

I need to know more about what's going on, and to do that I need to take a loving and compassionate assessment time. A reflection on what is, and what lies beneath.

Feeling my way through this will require going slowly and living in the present with acceptance. 

Not feeling like a human being until 10 a.m.? That's the answer, then.

 

I'll be writing these things down this round so that I can make loving, supportive, compassionate, informed expectations.

The last two challenges I focused on loosening and releasing my attachment to my expectations.

This round I'm loosening and releasing my expectations altogether.

[Heidi]

Behold the Way of the Jellyfish, and her lovely elasticity that has shown me so much last round.

This round focuses on the condition of my Spirit more than activities or actions.

• Constitution:
  • Discover 
    • what time of day I am present,
    • and how long it lasts,
    • what wears me out,
    • and how long that lasts, too.
    • what helps,
    • and how long that lasts
  • Bonus point available if this results in opening the way to the sauna, or for discovering some meaningful other path that will help refresh and restore my Spirit during the workaday world. 
• Strength:
  • Go to work.
  • Don't die.
• Dexterity: 
  • Emotional Balance: be in the chaos but not of it.
  • Bonus point for being able to be nurturing to myself and others along the way.
• Wisdom:
  • Spend time investigating and listening for the message.  
• Intelligence: 
  • Finish the paper - complete 5/13
  • submit conference proposal —complete 5/1
  • Prepare the Way for summer classes
• Charisma: 
  • Connect with others
  • Play.
  • Apartment therapy

 

The 2023 Skills Tree as of now:

Con 3

Str 4

Dex 6

Int  4

Wis 6

Cha 4

[Heidi]

This weekend was very good. I got home to the Loft and settled in on Saturday, which took most of the day. 

Sunday was also very good -- I was able to put a whole framework together for the Paper, and I was able to feel positive and present the whole day. I ate good food (though FitBit tells me the calorie count is still a bit low) at reasonable intervals; this, too, is good. I was not able to leave the apartment at any point in the weekend, not even to go next door to the gym for the sauna. There's a spiritual resistence here that I need to investigate.

 

This morning was definitely slow to become present. I woke up at 7 and went through the motions but wasn't present until about 8:30, and then it was gone again by 8:45. I'm still going through the motions, of course. Tea helps.

[Tanktimus the Encourager]

9 minutes ago, Heidi said:

Tea helps.

Always here to support.

[Sovalis]

Here to follow along and support. 

[Heidi]

3 hours ago, Tanktimus the Encourager said:

Always here to support.

Always welcome, ❤️ 

 

2 hours ago, Sovalis said:

Here to follow along and support. 

Excellent. 🦋

[Heidi]

During a conversation with @Sovalis, we were talking about how long we had been in the forums and what we found along the way and I couldn't remember, so I had to check. Wow, y'all. I've been here ten years.

 

It feels as though the Way is opening for good, authentic connections, and I really like this, even if it is fleeting. This is new, and surprising, and welcome.

[Jarric]

10 years? You're a true veteran. I've just checked, and I've been here 7 apparently.

 

15 minutes ago, Heidi said:

It feels as though the Way is opening for good, authentic connections, and I really like this, even if it is fleeting. This is new, and surprising, and welcome.

 

This is good; I'm pleased for you.

[Heidi]

56 minutes ago, Jarric said:

10 years? You're a true veteran. I've just checked, and I've been here 7 apparently.

Well, if by "true veteran" you mean "been around long enough to rethink everything I thought I knew" then I 100% agree.  

 

 

[Jarric]

1 minute ago, Heidi said:

Well, if by "true veteran" you mean "been around long enough to rethink everything I thought I knew" then I 100% agree.  

 

 

 

The more the know, the more that you know that you do not know.

[Heidi]

Work was a weird day where I was barely present and, because the Universe loves me and wants me to be happy, no one noticed.

 

I was present and able to do things from 10:30 - 1:30, then was unable once again. It doesn’t seem to take much to wear me out physically, and by “not much” I mean “going down to the lobby to receive my prescription that got delivered.”

Whew. I am clearly still recovering from February. And, well, everything else.

 

Even though I was pretty disengaged at work, I found myself pulled to engage, and I was able to do that. I read a poem chapter in John Moriarty’s Dreamtime and wrote thoughts about it. I read over a syllabus from my upcoming professor and noticed that we will probably be doing two modules a week, which is a pretty hefty pace. This is all good, but it’s going to require a structure that can be a scaffold to allow me to be nimble and deliver. I read over some new challenge threads and Solvalis’ lovely bullet journal reminded me that I once had bullet journals too, and that they were helpful. I pulled out one of my dotted notebooks and started making some ideas about what a scaffold journal would look like, and it was time well spent; I felt engaged, present, and restored.

 

After work, I logged in to the final appointment with my now-previous individual therapist, and she was shocked by the news that this would be our last meeting (which didn’t surprise me at all) and I thanked her for this work we have done together. It was a nice conversation, and a good send off. I am pleased.

 

I am still sitting with the Paper structure. It’s good, but I’m not certain which words I want to write next.

I’m looking at the words for the conference proposal, since they have to be submitted by midnight if they are going to be submitted at all, and I’m wondering if I even want to do that. I do, and I’m intimidated, but that’s okay. The words will come.

 

Food: Yesterday evening I set up the oats and milk in my itty-bitty crock pot (it holds just over a pint) with a dash of cinnamon and vanilla. I ate half the oats this morning with some extra cinnamon and some dried cherries, and it was delicious. The other half are in a small container in the fridge for tomorrow.  Fitbit tells me this is a 500 calorie meal, and I believe it. I need to see if I can also add a glass of milk to help boost the calories and the protein, but for now I’m calling it a win. Late lunch/ early dinner was a chicken leg and thigh quarter, the rest of the brown rice from yesterday (about a cup) and some herbed olive oil.  This was 800 calories, likely because I did have a glass of milk. While 1300 calories isn’t much, it’s in the zone. [I forget to eat and then end up only having 600-900 calories in a day, and it knocks my whole system for a really bad loopy spell.] My doctor would like to see 1800 or more in a day, but wow, that just feels like a lot of thinking and fixing and eating. Nuts have been my ally — on days that I get 1800 ish, I end up keeping a small bowl of nuts (almonds, cashews, pistachios) nearby during work. More of that is in order, especially since it helps with the protein intake.

 

I’m content.

Today is a good day.

[XBlackWidowX]

It must be so busy to work and study at the same time, you are strong! 

 

It seems almost everyone here loves notebooks and journaling I couldn't stick to it in the past, but I think I am getting the hang of it and it feels good. 

 

It is great that the therapy worked so well! Glad for you! 

[Heidi]

1 hour ago, XBlackWidowX said:

It must be so busy to work and study at the same time, you are strong! 

 

It seems almost everyone here loves notebooks and journaling I couldn't stick to it in the past, but I think I am getting the hang of it and it feels good. 

 

It is great that the therapy worked so well! Glad for you! 

My journals in the past several years have been completely Freeform — do what works for you.  

 

Conference Proposal Update: abstract submitted. INT +1

[Heidi]

I had a crush on Don Quixote as a kid.

This song was an instrumental part of my emotional landscape.

 

May you know peace.

❤️ 

[mom2sjm]

15 hours ago, Heidi said:

• Constitution:
  • Discover 
    • what time of day I am present,
    • and how long it lasts,
    • what wears me out,
    • and how long that lasts, too.

 

I do something similar with my students at the beginning of the year.  I check their stamina - how long can they silent read, how long can they write, etc.  We reflect on what gets in the way.  I like all your goals but find these ones really interesting.  How about looking at what "recharges" your battery?  How long does it last?  Like for example - for me, taking a walk recharges my battery and that recharge usually lasts about an hour?  I think keeping track of this data is an interesting idea.  I may have to steal that idea

[Heidi]

7 hours ago, mom2sjm said:

How about looking at what "recharges" your battery?  How long does it last? 

I like this!

I had been folding this into my sense of the day, but I like calling it out explicitly.

 

Yesterday what recharged me:

• A lunchtime conversation with @Sovalis — it felt friendly and investigative and interesting and fertile.
• Creative play: i revisited some of my old bullet journal set-ups, without expecting to have any answers. I made different layouts and designs, thought through what was missing, what needed more space, etc. It’s technically “a waste of paper and time,” and it was a lovely way to spend the afternoon when I was otherwise depleted and likely would have checked out and shut down.
  • This was also important for bolstering me through the rest of the evening, which involved an ending conversation that I wanted to keep light and lovely, instead of sad or accusatory
  • Finding the right words for finalizing the conference proposal and submitting them on time (through a notoriously non-intuitive portal).

I was up until nearly midnight, settling in after submitting the conference proposal, and then slept until 7. 

This is all good, and while there was no sauna time again this morning, I’m content and feel able to lightly engage at work — I think my brain is wearing out on work issues. Also, physically in the morning, I can do very little before I’m physically worn out. I got up and filled the kettle, took my morning by medication, etc., and halfway into it, I needed to sit down and recover. (Good news: it worked—took about 10 minutes). Yesterday I went down to the lobby twice, once to receive a prescription delivery and once to check the mail. Both times I was feeling winded and worn out on the walk back to the apartment. I mean, okay.

 

Spirit is stronger than the body right now.

 

 

 

[Heidi]

I woke up at 7 and logged in. It was a slow day on my end for the most part until around 2, since the environments are screwy and the build/release jobs are screwed up, and it all meant that the code i was supposed to test on Monday still wasn’t available. Okay, Universe. I did some ServiceNow training and worked on some documentation. The company thoughtfully gave me a login for PluralSight, and I’m making use of it. Not only is there a whole raft of modules on ServiceNow (which we are moving to) and Postman (which is super handing for verifying what’s sent and received between APIs joined in the ether), there’s also a whole segment on certifications and the like, should I want to explore them. This might be something I consider in the future, but for now I’m just doing The Job — It’s enough and so am I.

 

I got through the testing and was about to log out when a meeting started for a domain migration of one of the apps I’m connected with. On a whim I decided to stay, since we had all been promised it would be a 30 minutes-or-less move. Friends, it was not. No matter, the boss was there, and it was nice to get some visibility of being around and doing my job, and I dare say that the after hours will make a difference when I leave at 3 on Friday or take a long-ish lunch on appointment days. The whole thing lasted 90 minutes and I ended up finding a couple issues, one of which got written up and assigned to a developer for fixing right away.

 

I had a glass of milk for lunch.

I had meant to have it with lunch, and I made a spinach and kale salad and then forgot it in the kitchen (a whopping 20 feet away) and didn’t remember it until I went into the kitchen after logging out, and there it was, just waiting to be dressed. Huzzah. I poured another glass of milk, tossed the salad with some vinaigrette, and enjoyed it all very much.

 

The insights this week are showing me that I am not lazy; I do not have a behavioral barrier to leaving the house or “doing things;” my stamina is shot. After I made the lunch-salad, I was tired. Like, who does that? It’s not as though it’s any work. But there it is, I was exhausted at the cell level, and the reason I forgot about the salad and everything else was that I was simply in need of sitting down. And so I did. I found that working on the testing was restorative, probably because none of it was ginormous code, and it all worked relatively as it was supposed to. Regression testing setups also felt creative and restorative. During one of the lulls this morning I was getting weary, and I popped ope a spreadsheet and did some creative work for myself; this was very restorative (emotionally), and I had a buoyant lift — enough that I went and made a salad.   I do think that the milk (thank goodness I picked up the milk on my way out of the kitchen!) made a difference in my overall physical recovery from being wiped out .

 

Look, friends, this feels ridiculous to type. Who gets wiped out by making a salad? And here it is, the emotional component of disbelief that has kept me from seeing what’s so obvious. I can barely do three minutes of physical anything before I think “gosh, wow, I really need to go sit down.” Talking to the acupuncturist just got moved up the priority stack. I’ve written to ask what times he has open on Wednesdays and Thursdays during the day, preferably around noon-thirty. I’m going o have to take an Uber or something (the bus ride is 45 minutes there, and longer on the way back. It’s a 15 minute car ride.) to accommodate the work day, but it’s still okay. It will all be fine.

 

I am tired but content.

Goodnight, Nerds.  

 

 

[MaeradCase]

1 hour ago, Heidi said:

The insights this week are showing me that I am not lazy; I do not have a behavioral barrier to leaving the house or “doing things;” my stamina is shot. 

That is a very good observation - that you're not being lazy. It sounds like you're slowed down by having a narrow window of energy. I think it's good you're evaluating where it drains the fastest and where it can be recovered. Sounds like mapping a water system. 🤔

 

1 hour ago, Heidi said:

After I made the lunch-salad, I was tired. Like, who does that? It’s not as though it’s any work. But there it is, I was exhausted at the cell level, and the reason I forgot about the salad and everything else was that I was simply in need of sitting down. And so I did.

I haven't been there anytime recently, but that exhaustion level is relatable. Sorry it was that bad for you, but I'm glad you were able to enjoy your salad. 😃

 

1 hour ago, Heidi said:

I found that working on the testing was restorative, probably because none of it was ginormous code, and it all worked relatively as it was supposed to. Regression testing setups also felt creative and restorative. During one of the lulls this morning I was getting weary, and I popped ope a spreadsheet and did some creative work for myself; this was very restorative (emotionally), and I had a buoyant lift — enough that I went and made a salad.   I do think that the milk (thank goodness I picked up the milk on my way out of the kitchen!) made a difference in my overall physical recovery from being wiped out .

❤

[Tanktimus the Encourager]

1 hour ago, Heidi said:

Who gets wiped out by making a salad

Someone with both a TBI and burnout.

[DarK_RaideR]

Feel like this one hasn't made an appearance in a while

[Heidi]

6 hours ago, MaeradCase said:

That is a very good observation - that you're not being lazy. It sounds like you're slowed down by having a narrow window of energy. I think it's good you're evaluating where it drains the fastest and where it can be recovered. Sounds like mapping a water system.

The tao te ching has a lot to say about water, and systems, and how we expend ourselves.

I think this is a good connection. Thank you for bringing it to me.

 

6 hours ago, Tanktimus the Encourager said:

Someone with both a TBI and burnout.

Solid points.

I think burnout may be even worse than the TBI.

 

2 minutes ago, DarK_RaideR said:

Feel like this one hasn't made an appearance in a while

Overdue. (The picture, not you)

Hiyas. (You, but hi to the rubber duck in the tub also)

 

I was almost asleep and felt an idea for a bullet journal page, and I got up and fiddled around with my journal and here we are, almost dawn but I'm feeling very content.

 

The page is :: random stuff I know about Willow, the Druid tree months of April 15-May12:

[Tanktimus the Encourager]

3 hours ago, Heidi said:

Solid points.

I think burnout may be even worse than the TBI

[Heidi]

1 hour ago, Tanktimus the Encourager said:

I think I need to start Burning In.

Not even sure what that means, but it feels right.

 

I woke up after a brief nap and logged in, made tea, etc. I'm moving slowly, but gently. All will be well.

I really like the intuitive wandering through legend and lore that I did last night (early this morning), investigating what I know and sitting with that. It felt lovely, and fertile, and welcoming.

 

I read @XBlackWidowX's thread this morning in between meetings, and she's also doing the recovery-from-injury thing, with swimming, and it helped me be more invitational about how I'm emotionally approaching the gym. Also, I turned the heatback on around 8:30 last night -- I hadn't remembered that I had shut it off and the cool snap that we had last week became a downright cold patch this week, and the apartment wasn't getting above 66 (18.8 C), and no wonder I was cranky and tired. I finally warmed up around 10:30, and that probably contrbuted a lot to finally feeling engaged and staying up. 

 

Bonus: I set up an overnight bread recipe (which is what made me think "What's the warmest spot in the apartment AND WHY ISN'T THERE ONE?). It's perking along nicely and I will probably bake it when I log out. I had to buy a new loaf pan (nothing has worked since I lost my old one, and it's daunting and sad in equal measure). I'm looking forward to it, and optimistic.

 

I am eating a bowl of oatmeal (with cherries and cinnamon). 

A tiny crockpot of barley and lentils is perking in broth and will be ready in a couple hours.

This is good.

 

[Heidi]

Just before my lunch break, I took a long hot shower. This is good, and restorative. I still need the sauna, of course, but this is a nice ten-minutes-or-less mid-day break that is restorative. I am interested in how long it will last.

 

After my shower, I spent my lunch half-hour talking with a library professor who also does a lot with civil rights and the like. I've asked her to be on my doctoral committee and she said tentatively yes and wants to talk more with my advisor and this is Just Right. It was a lovely conversation, and it also turns out that she's teaching the Ethics of Information special topics seminar that I'm taking in the Fall. This is a lovely synchronicity.

 

Before the meeting, I put the bread in to bake, and the timing was just right to take it out after we said farewell.

Honestly, it smells so good I'm going to have to be physically restrained to keep from cutting it before it cools.

I think that, after nearly three years of getting bread Completely Wrong (something I used to be able to do and do well in any state of mind and under any conditions) that I might have finally come back. 

The taste and texture will be the final verdict, though.

 

I'm inviting a fellow resident to share it with me, and if we approve, I'll give her the recipe.

 

Edit: If you want the recipe, ask!  This is a no-touch, super simple, quasi-sourdough (no starter required, but the dough sours while it rises over 18 hours). Truly, just mix the ingredients in a bowl (not with a mixer, just mixed), cover and let sit for 18 hours, dump in the pan (preheated, cast iron is best, preferably with a cover) and bake for 50 minutes.

[Sovalis]

Oh, Heidi, that bread looks amazing! I am avoiding it because it flares my arthritis, but I rejoice that you have such a handsome loaf to eat and share!

 

Hooray for your synchronicities. How superb.