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[Renate] (re)learns how to People


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Goodday folks,

 

So uh. Life is hectic but slowly finally calming down. I switched places of residence for the 3rd time in the past 1,5 year last month. I have a rental contract for 2 years where I am now, whew.

 

Fitness status

That does mean I'm still not there yet with deciding where I want to sign up for... Whatever sport I settle on.

 

And I still need to take a moment to figure out how I can strength train at home easily. As I wrote this, I actually got an idea or two, which is great. I'm so glad our forum still gets maintained ❤️

 

I have been better and better about picking up my meditation practice. Did morning yoga nearly every morning last week.

 

My hypermobility issues had their moments, but not terrible ones going by the fact that I could still keep on wearing heels no problem.

 

I'm stiff as fuck but that'll work itself out, I'm feeling it already.

 

I've been out quite a lot in the past month, which means dancing and walking. It's great. Spring is really here where I am right now.

 

Fitness goals

 

As for challenge goals, I'd like to keep checking in here for the healthy environment. Keep on going with my yoga practice.

 

I want to check out the tennis lessons in the area. That'd be fun. I've had some tennis during my studies and during high school.

 

Life goals

 

- Learning how to: people

 

SOOO as you may have gathered, the real matter on my mind right now is learning how to people.

 

When my last relationship ended and I decided to go on a dating moratorium to figure my toxic patterns out, comfortable in the knowledge,... "knowledge" that my friendships ARE healthy... I found out that I'd overestimated how healthy they were haha. Not just on my side, but also on the other side with one friend, my closest one. I'd just been too busy with my family drama, my obsessive mother, to notice.

 

My general boundary setting skills trickled over to those friendships, and in some ways I took more space because I asked friends for help, and things changed in perspective shifting ways.

 

My closest one is actually the least likely to continue on based on what I'm getting from her (though we need to talk to figure that out). 

 

I've been working on the others. And I've been making new friends. Tangentially I've also been navigating inter colleague relationships in ways I've never done, for example at school and university. Sounds like an open door but I usually like to apply similar principles in new "sorta formal/sorta informal" situations but now. It's so different. 

 

It's all been very refreshing to navigate with my new insights, also from therapy.

 

I went on a couple of dates that went so entirely different than what I've been used to. Learning new things about myself and what I want, who I am.

 

All of this is great but it's also making me rather insecure about everything I thought I knew about interpersonal contact/communication :')

 

So I'm going to go ahead and start reading articles on those things. And applying lessons that seem useful asap, see how things go.

 

My biggest, most impactful lesson of the past 2-3 years has been allowing myself to experiment and explore freely. It's great. But if I'd said this to me of 5 years ago I don't think I would have been able to feel it. I was in survival mode. Now I still am but in different ways. So yeah. Probably going to document my journey about that here. 

 

Good times are ahead!

 

Finances, getting stuff that is mine

 

I've never been without stuff, really. But my things rarely felt mine because yeah. Emotionally abusive household, hurrah. I left a loooot at my parental home last year.

 

No furniture besides two night cabinets. 

 

Safe to say I'm glad I'm not too shabby at saving.

 

Another thing is that I'm building my wardrobe back up to where I like it.

 

My job and desired social & exercise life requires some purchases (and my fun levels require some make-up and cosmetics now that my brain is freeing up and I'm taking care of myself the way I enjoy).

 

All of this requires careful monitoring without straining myself so bad I spiral.

 

Woohoo!

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STR 2 | DEX 3 | CON 3 | STA 3 | WIS 6 | CHA 6

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Update time!

 

* Meditation and giving myself & taking my time keeps going steady.

 

* I haven't gotten around keeping my space clean let alone sports.

 

This is likely because the kitchen is filled with cartons from my new furniture. Gives everything an overall messy feeling.

 

I also need some sort of cabinet for under my bathroom sink. It will fill up the already small space but it's needed. Maybe it can be open so it doesn't block out as much as a solid drawer cabinet would. Hmm.

 

* On the social front I wish everything was already solved and I had my solid circle of people around me. Magically  you know. Now that I have the prospect of not moving around all the time. With a snap of my fingers.

 

But I need to be patient with myself. I have chosen to not pursue the standard core family structure at the moment. That gives me an additional odd factor on top of my (visibly) foreign origin, small and distantly kept family, quirks, and (though now milder) trauma responses.

 

On 5/7/2023 at 7:45 PM, Renate said:

My closest one is actually the least likely to continue on based on what I'm getting from her (though we need to talk to figure that out). 

 

This was affirmed when I offered to meet up with her and her rejection was worded as "sorry  I can't I have other priorities" 😂😂

 

This woman. God. Co-dependent relationships are such a Plato's Cave projection. How were we friends? Oh yeah. I fed her ego. When I stopped doing that her interest in me and "willingness to deal with me" ceased.

 

Now I'm surrounding myself with people who like the most of me rather than endure it. 

 

Leaves my former friend more energy for others too, that she prefers. Mostly her parents that she is more and more embracing fully and they are becoming 1 hive mind now that her social circle is getting smaller and materialism remains. 

 

Going to drop the spare keys I still had in her postal box and see if I want to go for one of the many petty whatsapp messages or letters running through my mind.

 

Although the angel on my shoulder is saying "don't! She helped you a lot despite her and her parents' motives!"

 

The other, more petty angel on my shoulder is saying: "Athena. you communicated clearly the whole way. You had the money to go for a short stay hotel option and it was available, you had a job that would help you get more savings. They kept pushing you to and fro instead of going for just 1 line while you were the one in distress running away from an abusive man.

 

They lied when they said you could choose if you would visit them for Christmas. They lied when they said everything was okay. They lied about their magnanimous intentions and her father got super weird when you moved further away from your friend... After her mother had exclaimed you could get married around New Year's. They did it because they felt bad about their daughter being alone in her home with just a cat.

 

You are in your right to bite back."

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Alright, it felt better to choose love not war so I sent her and her family apologies. Offered her to talk it out along with taking the train to her place, with an offer for croissants.

 

She ended up not responding by the time I had to leave again, so I just dropped her spare keys in her mail box, told her so and left.

 

To my feeling, I didn't go so far as dropping on my knees with my messages. just wrote like I'd write to someone who was well-intentioned without weird thinking patterns.

 

I'm sure this will bleed out on its own when I stop messaging so I don't have to be the bad wolf. I acted the way that felt right and after this no more friendships that feel like I need to jump through 1000 hoops :)

 

Just work on myself and see who vibes well.

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Whew. First weekend day (Sunday) since I moved (1 April) where I really feel like I'm at my home, doing my thing, nothing URGENT to attend @ getting furniture set up or working away a pile of clothing.

 

To be fair I have been free since Thursday because of Ascension. Have had a rhytm since 1 May when my job started.

 

Habits get settled in after 3 weeks right?

 

Life's pretty great. (Even though I exposed myself to some toxic people in the past weeks, I protected my boundaries without feeling bad about it or second-guessing. Huge wins.)

 

I made a budget for the stuff I need for if I start with tennis but I won't be able to start this season.

 

Next month I need to pay the second installment of the annulment costs I had to pay for cancelling the start of my professional education that I was going to start in March. Helluva sum. I'll get it back when I start in September but still. Suuuucks.

 

Then there is likely a sum of municipality taxes coming up even though my former landlady said I likely owe nothing. She's sweet. Hope it's true. Or that she'll pay the sum to me 😂

 

Then there is the fact I have an invitation to celebrate my 29th birthday with a friend that is on a kitesurfing holiday in Marocco. Which isn't too expensive!

 

Talk about a hell of a way to make another huge memory to water down the traumatic past memories I have had.

 

I noticed I'm slowly getting less cynical about helping folks I don't know well, too.

 

Yesterday night when I was travelling home there was this girl who was super sick and alone from drinking.

 

One man helped her with moral support, one woman helped her when he left and offered her to stay at her place, but she didn't want to.

 

I helped her with moral support and water and tissues. I wanted to tell her I'd call her a cab if my stop wasn't coming up soon and that was the last train for the day.

 

The girl was so guilt-ridden. Like the woman told her though: people are helping her because they have been in bad situations too and wished others treated them with similar kindness. That made me cry. Making me cry again right now.

 

Gah.

 

Anyway in other circumstances I would have been a lot more apprehensive like.  Not blaming the girl for getting drunk but simply my brain wouldn't have known what else I could do than just be there for her at the moment and maybe look for a train conductor.

 

Now I get very active helping thoughts. Not worrying about being mothering or naive or whatever.

 

The sun is shining.

 

Weight is lifting off my chest step by step.

 

2 June two friends will visit my new place. 

 

Then I offered 15 July as a date for my housewarming to another group of friends.

 

I'm journalling. Which is great. After either June or the housewarming I'll see how I feel about re-initiating contact with my granddad. It'll be one year after I enacted the no-contact with the family. 

 

I'd sent him 3 emails since. One for his birthday and 2 recently. 

 

I swear if it wasn't for my little sister I would wish them all to hell. My granddad too for enabling grandma and my mother. For not putting any money to the side for me.

 

It's becoming more and more clear he was likely aware my mother did shady business.

 

Anyway, we'll see.

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STR 2 | DEX 3 | CON 3 | STA 3 | WIS 6 | CHA 6

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2 hours ago, Renate said:

I made a budget for the stuff I need for if I start with tennis but I won't be able to start this season.

 

Just got an introduction card for 1 of 3 nearby yoga places, which turned to have aerial yoga. So incredibly cool. Booked the lessons so I'll have at least one outdoor fun thing in my neighborhood the following weeks. Woohoo!

 

Of course I've also been walking a lot when I've gone out and between train station and locations but that's commute, not recreative movement which, ideally, I want as well. Not in the least for the social contacts.

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I'm really going back to where I left off when I started studying. 

 

Mindset of "no time for bullshit, no energy to spare for people that don't give back".

 

My purpose is to shine & flow & help those along my path, and grow together.

 

Grounded hippie style. 😂

 

Yeah, uh

In the name of Jesus (Spread the word!)

"No weapon formed against me shall prosper" (Preach!)

"And every tongue that rises against me in judgment, thou shall condemn" (Preach!)

(Lord give me a sign!) "For this is the heritage of the servants of the Lord"

(Preach!) "And their righteousness is of me, " said the Lord (Preach!)

Amen, uh

Lord give me a sign!

– DMX, "Lord Give Me A Sign"

 

Tonight there is a camping thing that sounds like I need to be there. 🙏 But it depends on whether the friend that invited me has time for it. Doesn't sound like a place I can go alone because of the commute. (When will I reach my car goaaal! Yes lots of expenses but the flexibility will be much needed given the adventurousness of my friends all over the country 😂)

 

Much love. Didn't make it to yoga.

 

I decided yesterday I had my last cigarette for a long time. I started smoking for comfort's sake when I moved after the breakup with my ex. (Smoking was pretty much the only constant in my life my mother offered me 😂 She always smoked or was busy getting cigarettes for cheap.)

 

Taking care of my body. Water. Tea. Coffee with moderation 😛 Having time and mental space for meal planning. (Minimal but I didn't have it at all for healthy cooking until recently.)

 

2023 is going to be the year I find myself again.

❣️

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So, I showed my humble abode to my colleagues today. It was so scary since it is really humble, more what I should have had as a student, not as an adult, almost 29, second year of proper work experience.

 

I also have been doing my best to act naturally, even if that is a tad weird. With rough edges. Sharing what I like unapologetically, but also doing my best not do out on a shield too much.

 

No, it is not office politics savvy. In the slightest.

 

It feels incredibly vulnerable in a way that is probably going to seem unnecessary in hindsight.

 

When I know better, I'll do better.

 

Right now it is of vital importance that I learn that the world will not end when I am... Myself.

 

Not my behaviour when I am triggered. Closing off or over-explaining, being overly blunt or super diplomatic. Just whatever feels right, in my gut.

 

That is the fastest way I will learn to attract and maintain healthy friendships. And I am proud of myself for daring to go so far out of my comfort zone. 

 

Even if it is making me want to break things and cry interchangeably and simultaneously. 

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Oh my goodness it was good to get back on the tennis field again. 

 

The ball flew out dangerously against a few folks a few times because it's scorching hot and I was insecure.

 

But people were still polite ☺️ As long as that's a fact, I'm going forward ☺️ Relax and find people I click with.

 

 

Level ☆ human [uncategorizable]
STR 2 | DEX 3 | CON 3 | STA 3 | WIS 6 | CHA 6

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