[Rhovaniel]

Hello friends! 

 

So, at the end of last challenge, I went off to find my adventure and tick off one of my big goals for the Spring - the 100km Canoe trip in Scotland. Guys. I don't have the words to describe that journey adequately. I didn't go in with many expectations, having never done anything like it before. But it was honestly incredible. I can wax lyrical about the food (our guide was a FANTASTIC cook, and we had 3 courses every dinner which was insane!), the fruit cobbler cooked in a dutch oven, the breakfast bacon cooked over the open fire, trying haggis for the first time at the side of Loch Ness.... but it was so much more. It felt very - freeing. There were some rough moments, and there was a point I didn't know if I was making it past Day 3. (After almost 6 months free of them, I was blindsided by a massive panic attack on the second morning and another one the third day, and well.... they are so draining and took a good while to come out of and I didn't know what the triggers were but the buoyancy aid was making it so much worse that I ended up having a system of yanking it off the SECOND we got out of the boats for any reason, and the guide on standby to help if it got stuck, because that in itself caused another attack)  but it got easier, I got through it with the support of both the guide and another woman on the trip who has experience with panic attacks and volunteers for St Johns Ambulance... I was in safe hands. Embarrassed, but in safe hands. (I know, shouldn't be embarrassed but I was anyway. Stupid brains). But what I got out of it most was the confidence. I went from 'never been in a canoe before' to 'lets race to the beach!'. There is confidence too, in feeling competent: land on the side of a loch or flat beach, haul the gear where it needed to be, find a spot to pitch up (there was much lying on the ground to find a good, flat bit!) and getting the tents all sorted. Getting up in the morning and slipping into the routine of packing down efficiently. We were pros by the end. That and feeling like I could actually handle a canoe is kinda impressive. I really, really want to do it again. 

 

Home felt a little - dissonant. Part of it is PEWS - post epic withdrawal symptoms - and I am aware that the urge I feel to throw my credit card at an outdoor shop and go wild camping IMMEDIATELY is a direct result of this. And the urge to sign up for another adventure asap. But part of it also is the disjointed feeling that out there on the water I felt free, and even the panic attacks could not bring me down nor diminish my achievement and here I do not. I am at a crossroads with my career for sure, but what I am also missing is the spark of adventure. Daily life should not be a grind. 

 

So, that's the focus of this challenge. To figure out what it is that doesn't sit with my vision of my life anymore and figure out how to forge a better path. It is the furthest thing from a SMART goal I've ever heard of, and that's okay. I'm going by the heart on this one. A celebration of all life can hold, if I dare to be bold with it. Neatly, the challenge wraps up a few days before my birthday, so with any luck, it can end in a bit of a celebratory feel  

 

 

[Sovalis]

I am so thrilled to see you and absolutely delighted that you had such a powerful, engaging, and expansive journey. I am very sorry about the panic attacks, but grateful that you had good support that allowed you to get through things and persist in your adventure. What a great thing. Looking forward to seeing what adventures you find this challenge!!

[Elastigirl]

So proud of you for following the adventure! It sounds amazing. 

[SkyGirl]

I love this SO FRICKEN MUCH. I can't wait to see you start building a life that has the zest and freedom you're looking for. So proud of you always, my friend!!

[Tanktimus the Encourager]

Well Done on the Adventure! So proud of you, and here for support.

[Rhovaniel]

On 5/13/2023 at 7:23 PM, Sovalis said:

I am so thrilled to see you and absolutely delighted that you had such a powerful, engaging, and expansive journey. I am very sorry about the panic attacks, but grateful that you had good support that allowed you to get through things and persist in your adventure. What a great thing. Looking forward to seeing what adventures you find this challenge!!

Thank you Sov. I was incredibly lucky with who was on the trip with me. 

 

On 5/13/2023 at 8:55 PM, Elastigirl said:

So proud of you for following the adventure! It sounds amazing. 

Thanks EG! It was so good, and I want to be the first of many  

 

On 5/14/2023 at 12:27 AM, SkyGirl said:

I love this SO FRICKEN MUCH. I can't wait to see you start building a life that has the zest and freedom you're looking for. So proud of you always, my friend!!

Thanks Sky! I too, can't wait to see it. 

 

7 hours ago, Tanktimus the Encourager said:

Well Done on the Adventure! So proud of you, and here for support.

Thank you. It means alot. 

 

 

Sorry for the silence. I - I struggled to accept it, since I have only been home a few weeks. But I am burned out. Like, struggling to sleep, exhausted all the time, cannot focus on my dissertation but also stressing about not doing it burned out. I thought I was having mild panic attacks every day, but I think looking at it objectively, it's a stress response that my brain has learned to associate with panic attacks, so my throat starts to feel like it's closing and I think it's another attack. Either way, it's not good. 

 

I think also trying to think about my future, why I feel so stuck with my career and what changes I want to make to live without this feeling of - lacking, I guess - isn't helpful right now. I have deadlines and a busy work schedule. Yes, looking at improvements is important, but it's somehow adding to the pressure I'm mounting on myself. Today, I realised that I needed to slow it down a little. Ignore the voice inside screaming about time marching on and getting older but not where I want to be. It can pipe down. Time will always march to its own beat, it doesn't mean I need to follow. 

 

So,  with the above in mind, I am attempting to pivot slightly. I will battle the PEWS and the burnout by clearing the sense of overload, being gentle with myself and working out not just how to clear my mounting 'to-do' list in my head, but how to MANAGE it in a healthy way. My studies are coming to a point where they naturally take up much more of my time, but who knows if I want to go on to further study. The load isn't the problem. It's how I perceive that load. I have been trying to balance everything, without realising that at some times, there has to be a temporary imbalance. My dissertation needs more of my attention right now, and trying to do all the things is not working. 

 

This challenge, my only goals are therefore:

1) Finish the drafting stage of my dissertation. Unless my word count comes up short, all I need to do at the moment is add two sections to existing chapters. That's it. Then I can focus on writing the intro and conclusion to the whole thing. Then edit. And edit again. And then probably edit a couple times more. The issue is I am struggling to focus and not feel overwhelmed and inadequate when I look at it. My plan to tackle it is:

- Take a step back from everything else. Stop focusing on fixing my diet and losing weight and whether I'm going to be fit enough not to embarrass myself at StrongViking. I'm not going for performance, I'm going to honour a friendship. If I lag behind, I lag behind. Doesn't give me a free pass to eat junk and stop working out, but trying to organise my day by timeslots isn't working. My brain refuses to work like that. So, if it comes down to fretting about getting up in time to get to the gym or giving myself an extra hour's sleep because I'm still tired when I wake up, or working on my dissertation longer (because I am also working on it slower) and not having time to meal prep, I will do that. 

- Baby step goals. I will pick one thing a day that needs to get written, and break it down, sentence by half sentence if I have to, until it is done.

- I will build in at least an hour of REAL relaxation time into my day. Not procrastinating doom-scrolling, not watching TV with no purpose other than to avoid getting back to my desk. I will pick a book and read, or watch a film. Walking doesn't count. I do that for mental health and thus it is more of a 'breakdown prevention measure', not quite 'I choose this as my relaxation'. 

 

Bonus Goal: I will stop looking up adventure holidays with a sense of longing. It is only fuelling the 'something is missing' element that is adding to the mental load I am unnecessarily placing on myself. 

 

 

Sorry for the ramble. Thanks for being here. I appreciate you all. 

[Sovalis]

Never be sorry about rambling. That is what we are here for. 

 

All of this feels so familiar to me from my experiences writing my thesis. You are not alone in this, for whatever help that is. I think your plan to slow down and zero in is wise and will pay off the fastest: it reminds me of the advice to pay off the highest interest rate credit card first, even though that is the hardest, and then channel that freed up energy into other things. You can absolutely do this, one step at a time. We are cheering for you. 

[Elastigirl]

Very wise plan. I love it!

[Rhovaniel]

On 5/18/2023 at 3:38 PM, Sovalis said:

Never be sorry about rambling. That is what we are here for. 

 

All of this feels so familiar to me from my experiences writing my thesis. You are not alone in this, for whatever help that is. I think your plan to slow down and zero in is wise and will pay off the fastest: it reminds me of the advice to pay off the highest interest rate credit card first, even though that is the hardest, and then channel that freed up energy into other things. You can absolutely do this, one step at a time. We are cheering for you. 

Thank you! The thing about writing it is I swing from 'uuuuugggggghhhh I can't do it I can't string a sentence together and I hate this I am never doing another course' to 'hmmm, you know if I took the leap, I could be an actual historian....' 

 

On 5/18/2023 at 4:23 PM, Elastigirl said:

Very wise plan. I love it!

Thanks EG! I'm getting there.

 

 

SO, apparently it is Sunday evening already and I am not sure how  But finally, I feel a little calmer. For one thing, I had plans with a friend yesterday but she cancelled, so I told myself I had no excuses left and parked my butt in my study and spent the day writing. I have more like 4 -5 things to add, all told, but breaking it down into pieces, taking regular breaks (phone distraction mainly!) and allowing myself a million and one snacks because I can apparently regulate my food intake and focus on health or I can write my dissertation but I cannot, seemingly, do both. It isn't done, but I think - I hope - I have at least broken the inertia and got a fair chunk of it done. I didn't realise how late it had gotten, so when I finished and took a walk (first clue, it was getting dark but eh) I had a bit of an idea for a new character I need by Wednesday and decided to try and flesh her out a bit. It was around midnight but I got her sent to the DM. Past Rho was actually forward thinking enough to realise that I was gonna hit a point I couldn't DM as well as get this dissertation finished over the summer, so I forewarned my group, who are amazing. One of my players is going to take over with a mini-campaign for a few months. I am playing in it, and my Monday game. Those are welcome releases. Finding the time to plan a session and then run in every week was getting too much. So now I have Dawsey, my street  beach urchin monk in a pirates themed campaign.  (we start the campaign locked in a tower awaiting execution by the pirate king, apparently) Should be fun. 

 

Today, I met up with the friend who cancelled yesterday (mental health thing) and we hung out and then ate pizza. Which I enjoyed without any symptoms because I caved and tried these enzyme pills that allow lactose intolerant people to eat diary and IT WORKS!!! I am so happy about that. 

 

Right. Back to this writing. It's on the screen next to the one I'm typing on. It can see me. It knows I'm procrastinating....  

[Salinger]

Hey Rho!

 

great to see you!!!!

 

hope you have enjoyed your weekend

 

loads of love x

[Rhovaniel]

Sorry all. Dropped for a bit. 

 

The last week I have been in the zone of writing, writing, editing, writing... I am at least getting somewhere with it. My brain is a little fried, but I think all I have left is an intro and conclusion and many, many rounds of edits. 

 

This weekend... a tough one, mentally. Yesterday was okay. Got a bunch of laundry and such done that I had been neglecting, got a hair cut (with the hairdresser who is super accomodating with my anxiety), Frodo has been super affectionate which has been nice. Got my bag prepped for the walk today.

 

Today marked the one-year anniversary of Willy's passing. I know I am not the only one to feel his loss and it feels like both an eternity and last week. An Eternity since I spoke to him and he made me laugh over discord. Like yesterday I got the worst of messages. I only found out the next day, so in a way I'm expecting to feel tomorrow to be... hard. But I also know Willy would want us to remember him, not dwell on the grief of his being gone. I had a 25km walk planned  along the Ashridge Boundary trail (turned into 28k!) with a good friend who also knew Willes, so we talked about the good memories, Dirty Weekend, the laughs, the gifs.... the sun was shining, our feet were sore, Jack the dog ensured we never lost sight of the present moment either. It was a very good day to remember a very good friend. 

 

Thankfully tomorrow is a day off work as it's a bank holiday. And a D&D day. I'll be having a Leffe and toasting Willy before the game. 

[Tanktimus the Encourager]

Hugs friend. I miss that crazy dutchman too.

[Jarric]

 

Sorry I've not been around this challenge Rho. I miss him too. A gif felt like the right first response though.

[Rhovaniel]

On 5/28/2023 at 11:48 PM, Tanktimus the Encourager said:

Hugs friend. I miss that crazy dutchman too.

Thanks Tank. Hugs are always appreciated. 

 

On 5/29/2023 at 1:33 PM, Jarric said:

 

Sorry I've not been around this challenge Rho. I miss him too. A gif felt like the right first response though.

No need to apologise. And a gif is absolutely the right response. 

 

  

 

When my granddad died, I came across this quote from Thomas Campbell that really resonated with me then. It helps me now, too. Sharing in case it helps someone else:

 'To live in hearts we leave behind is not to die.'

[Rhovaniel]

Hey.

 

Been almost a week since updating. I have all but written off this challenge, honestly. I *have* made progress with my dissertation, which is the main thing. I have a heap of edits to look at by the end of the month, but that should not be too problematic, so long as I don't procrastinate too much. My supervisors purposely set it long with the instruction not to take work on holiday with me (I mentioned I was going to be out for a week), which is honestly super helpful. It also means I am making progress with it. Their feedback was encouraging, so I am at least on the right track. 

 

Headspace continues to be weird. Some 'less than helpful' thoughts, but not bad enough to warrant a return to the doctors and SSRI meds. I am trying to work on just - accepting things that are out of my control instead of obsessing over them. Worrying about them. Checking on them all the time even though I KNOW it won't have changed or I'd have an email. This is just one thing my brain has latched on to, out of around a half dozen. And at the same time, trying very hard to not be so self-critical about things that I know I dislike and want to change. I will not get anywhere if I am the first one to throw rocks at myself for stumbling. 

 

This became something of a non-challenge. But that's okay. I shall be back with Volume IV of the Rhovaniel Chronicles before long