RedPandaOne reporting for duty...again

[RedPandaOne]

Now that I post the title, I'm not sure if I was actually active when I first changed my username. But I was an active rebel back around 2012ish under a different username. Anyway, I'm back!

 

First: trigger warning for some ED talk

 

Backstory time:

I've always been overweight, even as a child. My first diet started in middle school drinking SlimFast for breakfast. My mom thought she was doing right, I can't be too mad at her. 

 

High school graduation and I'm weighing in around 215 pounds. I'm 5'3. I go on weight watchers and lose weight and get down to 175 in 7 months! I kept if off for 10 years, weight fluctuating from 152 to 180 during then, but my average was around 175.

 

Anyway, que 2015 and I'm keeping steady, going to the gym 4 times a week for a hour and I randomly start to gain weight. And the weight keeps coming on until 2021. No matter what I do, I can't stop gaining weight: weights watchers a couple times, Noom, sparkpeople, working with a weight clinic and put on appetite suppressants. Still gaining weight, just now always nauseous and/or having hot flashes.

 

In 2021 I signed up for mediweight loss and lost 25 pounds! Yay! Then I started to loose hair. Then I started to gain the weight back while still on the program. Yea...turns out I was at max eating roughly 950 calories a day. My body was fighting back. We won't even get into the bad habits of taking water pills and laxatives a day or two before appointments to help the scale go down. 

 

I've now gained all the weight back. I'm currently sitting at 231 pounds. I am not happy. I'm overweight, fighting an undiagnosed ED, and just want to be healthy. So I'm here hoping to get back on the right track. 

 

I'm tracking calories to make sure at bare minimum I actually eat 1200 calories a day. Some days, like today, is a struggle to eat up to that and not dig into the sugar to reach the number. 

 

I'm also trying to get stronger, I do light strength training with 5 pound hand weights and some body weight exercises.

 

While I want to lose weight, I mostly think I want to lose inches and just be healthy! So I'll be starting a daily log. Please come by for encouragement. 

 

I sometimes get overwhelmed with social media, so I apologize in advance if I'm not as active on others posts. I lurk a lot, so know I'm also here cheering everyone else on!

[TimovieMan]

Welcome back!

 

Daily logging is a good habit to get into when starting again. 👍

[RedPandaOne]

Thank you! This community really helped me last time, I'm happy to be back!

[Rookie]

Welcome back!

 

This might be an unpopular opinion but you can be healthy and be heavier. What does healthy mean to you? 

 

Have you looked into intuitive eating? There's a book but I forget the author off the top of my head. Have you thought about reaching out to someone who could help you navigate through your emotions with gaining weight and a potential ED? 

 

1200cal seems low unless you are super short. How long have you been eating at a calorie deficit? 

 

If you don't feel like answering my questions, no worries! 

[RedPandaOne]

I definitely believe you can be healthier and heavier. I'm just not happy not necessarily how I look, but how I fit in things. Like, the chairs at my hairdressers are snug. I want to be able to go to an amusement park and know I can fit on all the rides. I want to go on vacation and do horse back riding tours and not worry about exceeding the weight limit. I had to pass on that recently because I was above by just 5 pounds. 

 

I also want my knees and back to stop hurting. I want to walk up the 4 flights of stairs to my office and not be winded. 

 

I've heard of intuitive eating, but don't know anything about it. I'm assuming it's more like listening to your body? I'll have to check it out. I've been thinking about reaching back out to my old therapist. I tried a couple years ago, but she didn't accept the insurance I had so I couldn't afford to go back. But I've since changed jobs/insurance and I think it's something she takes. Even back then (2016) I know she saw signs of distorted eating, we talked about it a little. So I think she could help. 

 

I am short. I'm somewhere between 5'2 and 5'3. I feel like I shrink every time I go to the doctor, lol. But my posture sucks so I'm sure it's actually that. 

 

For how long I've been in a calorie deficit? For sure since February of 2021. So 2 years? I'd say off and on leading up to that. But I started MediWeight Loss in Feb of 2021, and that's when the severe deficit started that triggered the distorted habits. I've since stopped, but joined Weight Watchers but just canceled that. It wasn't helping me either. 

 

I know 1200 is the recommended bare minimum. I calculated my TDEE awhile back and I think it was 1600 or 1700. But it's just a chore at this time to make sure I actually reach 1200! I think I'm having a good day, input my calories and I'll be barely over 1,000. So I have to go scrounging for something else to eat.

 

But then I have days like today. Was at a party and indulged in some chocolate cake, peanut butter bars, and hawaiian meatballs and I know I'm pushing 2,000 or more. 

 

Overall I think stopping having weekly weigh ins with someone else is going to help. Just doing it for myself it better. If I don't feel like weighing in one week I won't. I won't feel like I'm disappointing someone else if I don't weigh in or if there's no weight loss. Less stress. Doing it for me and no one else!

[fleaball]

You're Boston area right? If you're ever looking for a dietician who's good for EDs I have recommendations. Zero pressure, just throwing it out there. 

[RedPandaOne]

I am, and I would love the recommendation! Thank you. It would be nice to work with someone who understands.