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8 hours ago, Harriet said:

Have you ever felt sad that there are no dragons in real life?

 

Um. Well.... are the dragons my friends or my enemies or massive mindless forces of destruction? Because that really influences my answer.

 

5 hours ago, Mistr said:

It may be unreasonable, but I feel that the people who are not working full time should be doing at least their share and preferably more of the housework.

 

This is not in any way unreasonable. It is the opposite of unreasonable, in fact. 

 

Out of curiosity, what is Elf looking for, or alternatively, what are they expecting out of a job? Because most of them are some kind of tedious and stressful, at least some of the time. The good jobs are tedious and stressful a minority of the time, and come with good coworkers who genuinely have each others' back as long as one is trustworthy to them in return. The really bad jobs suck in all the ways a job can suck, but really bad jobs are not as common as social media wants us to think. I'm curious if Elf either has unrealistic expectations, or if they need to sit down and really re-think what kinds of jobs they are applying for? 

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The Great Reading Thread of 2024

“I've always believed that failure is non-existent. What is failure? You go to the end of the season, then you lose the Super Bowl. Is that failing? To most people, maybe. But when you're picking apart why you failed, and now you're learning from that, then is that really failing? I don't think so." - Kobe Bryant, 1978-2020. Rest in peace, great warrior.

Personal Challenges, a.k.a.The Saga of Scalyfreak: Tutorial; Ch 1; Ch 2; Ch 3; Ch 4; Ch 5; Ch 6; Intermission; Intermission II; Ch 7; Ch 8; Ch 9; Ch 10; Ch 11; Ch 12 ; Ch 13; Ch 14Ch 15; Ch 16; Ch 17; Intermission IIICh 18; Ch 19; Ch 20; Ch 21; Ch 22; Ch 23; Ch 24; Ch 25; Intermission IV; Ch 26; Ch 27; Ch 28; Ch 29; Ch 30; Ch 31; Ch 32; Ch 33; Ch 34; Ch 35; Ch 36; Ch 37; Ch 38; Ch 39; Ch 40; Intermission V; Ch 41; Ch 42; Ch 43; Ch 44; Ch 45; Ch 46; Ch 47; Intermission VI; Ch 48; Ch 49

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9 hours ago, Mistr said:

I am starting to feel like I am providing a crutch instead of a safety net.

 

How old are the two of them? And are they still both studying, or is that cancelled?

 

9 hours ago, Mistr said:

Then Elf cooked on Sunday and the sink has been full of pots and pans ever since. If Elf has not done dishes by Thursday evening, we will have Words. It may be unreasonable, but I feel that the people who are not working full time should be doing at least their share and preferably more of the housework.

 

Er, yeah. I'm not exactly a spectacular grown up success myself, but I like to think I make our home life easier, not harder, despite my limitations. Not doing the washing up is the kind of thing my father would have got annoyed at me for when I was a seriously depressed teenager. It's unbecoming of adults.

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Let cheese and oxen and mead crowd out our secret desires for power and domination - Harriet the Viking

Just be bold, fluid and unapologetic, not small, hairy and indecisive - Harriet the Artist

You can absorb me! - Harriet the Contextless Guru

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I made it to bed 10 minutes earlier last night. Progress!

 

Then I could not get my brain to shut up, even though I did meditation right before bed. After trying to sleep for more than an hour, I got up and did half an hour of knitting. I am turning the heel on the second sock of the pair I am knitting. Knitting calmed down my brain and made me feel like I am making progress on something.

 

My plan for today has a strict prohibition on caffeine and a lighter than usual breakfast and lunch. This afternoon I will be going to a work summer party with free ice cream from a local manufacturer (as well as other food). I know I will pay for it tomorrow, but for one day a year I can eat all the ice cream I want. Then I can work on projects at home this evening.

 

22 hours ago, Harriet said:

I feel this. Have you ever felt sad that there are no dragons in real life? Or that you couldn't be a warrior? But I suppose you are a warrior with the aikido. 

 

Doing martial arts training does indeed make me feel better. I remember when I was reading The Privilege of the Sword, I thought it was so cool that the protagonist was learning sword work. Then I remembered that I was leaving the house at 6am the next morning to go do sword training. B)  The only problem is that it takes lots and lots of time to get good at martial arts. It is much easier to level up in a game than in real life.

 

13 hours ago, Scaly Freak said:

Um. Well.... are the dragons my friends or my enemies or massive mindless forces of destruction? Because that really influences my answer.

 

I would be happy to have a fire lizard from the Pern books. Feeding a large carnivore would be a challenge.

 

13 hours ago, Scaly Freak said:

This is not in any way unreasonable. It is the opposite of unreasonable, in fact. 

 

Thanks, I appreciate your support.

 

13 hours ago, Scaly Freak said:

Out of curiosity, what is Elf looking for, or alternatively, what are they expecting out of a job? Because most of them are some kind of tedious and stressful, at least some of the time. The good jobs are tedious and stressful a minority of the time, and come with good coworkers who genuinely have each others' back as long as one is trustworthy to them in return. The really bad jobs suck in all the ways a job can suck, but really bad jobs are not as common as social media wants us to think. I'm curious if Elf either has unrealistic expectations, or if they need to sit down and really re-think what kinds of jobs they are applying for? 

 

I have to wonder about that. Elf was pickier in the last round of job hunting and found a receptionist job in a spa. Quiet, relaxing environment and low stress. It sounded like a good fit. I think Elf has unrealistic expectations about how much flexibility they will have in scheduling.

 

9 hours ago, Harriet said:

How old are the two of them? And are they still both studying, or is that cancelled?

 

Elf is 26 and Cleo is 30. Cleo has a range of work experience and has had to support herself and family members before. She has been the primary responsible person in a household. I expected better of her, especially after we sat down and discussed division of chores last spring.

 

They were both in school last fall and did okay. They started spring semester, then got sick and dropped out. Cleo says she would like to go back to school part time after she gets a job. I think Elf was just going to school out of peer pressure. They do not have a firm career goal, so they do not have enough motivation to do the classwork.

 

9 hours ago, Harriet said:

Er, yeah. I'm not exactly a spectacular grown up success myself, but I like to think I make our home life easier, not harder, despite my limitations. Not doing the washing up is the kind of thing my father would have got annoyed at me for when I was a seriously depressed teenager. It's unbecoming of adults.

^^^^^^This

 

My main frustration is that I can't count on Elf and Cleo to do what they say they will do. Negotiation is not effective when one party does not keep their side of the bargain. I am not going to yell at them because I think that would be counterproductive, but I am going to let them know how disappointed I am.

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1 hour ago, Mistr said:

Doing martial arts training does indeed make me feel better. I remember when I was reading The Privilege of the Sword, I thought it was so cool that the protagonist was learning sword work. Then I remembered that I was leaving the house at 6am the next morning to go do sword training. B)  The only problem is that it takes lots and lots of time to get good at martial arts. It is much easier to level up in a game than in real life.

 

Yeah, yeah it does. In everything, I guess. In which case, we had better enjoy the gameplay mechanics of the real life activities we choose 😊

 

1 hour ago, Mistr said:

Elf is 26 and Cleo is 30. Cleo has a range of work experience and has had to support herself and family members before. She has been the primary responsible person in a household. I expected better of her, especially after we sat down and discussed division of chores last spring.

 

They were both in school last fall and did okay. They started spring semester, then got sick and dropped out. Cleo says she would like to go back to school part time after she gets a job. I think Elf was just going to school out of peer pressure. They do not have a firm career goal, so they do not have enough motivation to do the classwork.

 

^^^^^^This

 

My main frustration is that I can't count on Elf and Cleo to do what they say they will do. Negotiation is not effective when one party does not keep their side of the bargain. I am not going to yell at them because I think that would be counterproductive, but I am going to let them know how disappointed I am.

 

Hmmm, they're a bit too old to be managing as though they were teenagers. I know you've been very supportive and safe for them, which has been good because they both had a rough time, I think, but maybe that unconditional safety has something to do with their feeling that they don't have to make themselves adequate about the house. Would they like to move out and become a bit more independent, or is that too soon? Elf maybe needs some wins to get a feeling of efficacy in the world. I know how difficult it is when one has very low feelings of efficacy and purpose, and high anxiety and helplessness, though I don't know if that's exactly what Elf has. 

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Let cheese and oxen and mead crowd out our secret desires for power and domination - Harriet the Viking

Just be bold, fluid and unapologetic, not small, hairy and indecisive - Harriet the Artist

You can absorb me! - Harriet the Contextless Guru

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19 hours ago, Harriet said:

Er, yeah. I'm not exactly a spectacular grown up success myself, but I like to think I make our home life easier, not harder, despite my limitations. Not doing the washing up is the kind of thing my father would have got annoyed at me for when I was a seriously depressed teenager. It's unbecoming of adults.

 

Eh. Ummmm. *quietly sneaks off to the corner while blushing deeply*

 

I absolutely hate washing the dishes. When I was single and lived alone I sometimes ended up eating my dinner out of whatever pot or pan it was cooked in, because of this irrational hatred of the act of scrubbing and rinsing food-related items.

 

That embarrassing confession out of the way, the key words here are, "when I was single and living alone".

 

When I was single while sharing an apartment with a roommate I was much better about washing dishes in a timely manner, because leaving my roommate without pots or pans or plates for her meals would have been a complete asshole thing to do to her.  And today, when I am neither single or solo-living, Husband and I have reached an agreement regarding kitchen tasks that works for both of us most of the time, and that we both believe to be fair. Because anything less would be inconsiderate and over time damage our relationship.

 

8 hours ago, Mistr said:

I think Elf has unrealistic expectations about how much flexibility they will have in scheduling.

 

Well.... last I checked schedule flexibility comes at the cost of job security and sometimes employment. We must all decide which one we prefer to have, and then learn to live with that decision.

 

8 hours ago, Mistr said:

My main frustration is that I can't count on Elf and Cleo to do what they say they will do. Negotiation is not effective when one party does not keep their side of the bargain.

 

This is also unbecoming of adults. Regardless of the reasons.

 

I hope you're able to find a solution before your frustration rises to resentment levels. It sounds as if something needs to change relatively soon, and it's usually better if those kinds of changes are intentional and made for good reasons, rather than because someone's hand was forced.

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The Great Reading Thread of 2024

“I've always believed that failure is non-existent. What is failure? You go to the end of the season, then you lose the Super Bowl. Is that failing? To most people, maybe. But when you're picking apart why you failed, and now you're learning from that, then is that really failing? I don't think so." - Kobe Bryant, 1978-2020. Rest in peace, great warrior.

Personal Challenges, a.k.a.The Saga of Scalyfreak: Tutorial; Ch 1; Ch 2; Ch 3; Ch 4; Ch 5; Ch 6; Intermission; Intermission II; Ch 7; Ch 8; Ch 9; Ch 10; Ch 11; Ch 12 ; Ch 13; Ch 14Ch 15; Ch 16; Ch 17; Intermission IIICh 18; Ch 19; Ch 20; Ch 21; Ch 22; Ch 23; Ch 24; Ch 25; Intermission IV; Ch 26; Ch 27; Ch 28; Ch 29; Ch 30; Ch 31; Ch 32; Ch 33; Ch 34; Ch 35; Ch 36; Ch 37; Ch 38; Ch 39; Ch 40; Intermission V; Ch 41; Ch 42; Ch 43; Ch 44; Ch 45; Ch 46; Ch 47; Intermission VI; Ch 48; Ch 49

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3 hours ago, Scaly Freak said:

 

Eh. Ummmm. *quietly sneaks off to the corner while blushing deeply*

 

Don't be embarrassed. You've got about ten thousand more spectacular adulting points than me due to having a job, and having had jobs before.

 

3 hours ago, Scaly Freak said:

I absolutely hate washing the dishes. When I was single and lived alone I sometimes ended up eating my dinner out of whatever pot or pan it was cooked in, because of this irrational hatred of the act of scrubbing and rinsing food-related items.

 

That embarrassing confession out of the way, the key words here are, "when I was single and living alone".

 

When I was single while sharing an apartment with a roommate I was much better about washing dishes in a timely manner, because leaving my roommate without pots or pans or plates for her meals would have been a complete asshole thing to do to her. 

 

Yep. I also hate washing the dishes, and touching wet slimy food material. We have a dishwasher now, but whenever we're somewhere without I just rinse my bowls immediately because fresh food is less yuck and it's good to have it out of the way. Dad would hate it because the water isn't hot enough and I don't use enough soap but I never died yet. Also, eating food out of a pot is perfectly sensible. Nothing wrong with looking for shortcuts.

 

Yeah, obviously having other non-parent people to live with makes a difference. In fact, my father actually pushed me out of the house when I was in my early 20s. He still supported me financially and in many other ways, as I would have been incapable of holding a job AND finishing my degree and I was a helpless mess. But he wanted me to live with other people and, I don't know, if not fly then at least do some gentle yoga circles with my stumpy winglets. It was good, I guess. I know we all dream of being loved and accepted for who we are but I think the pressure of *conditional* acceptance from non-family might just give us the motivation to be, you know, adequate. So yeah, moving out solved my washing up problem.  

 

 

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Let cheese and oxen and mead crowd out our secret desires for power and domination - Harriet the Viking

Just be bold, fluid and unapologetic, not small, hairy and indecisive - Harriet the Artist

You can absorb me! - Harriet the Contextless Guru

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Last night I had a good conversation with Elf. They emerged from their den because Elf and Cleo were having an argument. Relationship stuff.

 

Elf had already done the dishes because Dumbledore talked to them about it. Not all the dishes, mind you, but at least the pots and pans from the sink. I told Elf that I was disappointed that they and Cleo had not been keeping up with the tasks they said they would do. I asked Elf if they felt they had been doing their share, and they acknowledged that they had not been. At least we agreed on that.

 

I am glad I did not come out with guns blazing because Cleo was trying to tell Elf that they were worthless and a constant drain on me and Dumbledore. I said that was total BS. I had been eating veggies Elf cooked every day this week and appreciated that. Elf got it that I was happy about the cooking and unhappy about the dishes so it kind of balanced out.

 

We will see how things go over the next week. Cleo has not done her share either and does not seem to notice much. Elf has been applying for jobs and had an interview today. Cleo probably has a job lined up, but is not taking the steps I would expect to find out when her start date is. 

 

For my part, I am happy with how this week has gone so far.

  • I have consistently shifted my sleep time 10 minutes earlier. I can work on the remaining 20 minutes next week.
  • I have done zen and some kind of exercise every day.
  • I have not played any electronic games. I don't miss the phone games. I do miss Immortal Life and plan to play that on Sunday.
  • I did other fun things including knitting and gardening
  • I made some progress on the bedroom remodeling project. A couple more hours might be enough to finish it. Dumbledore asked about helping, but has not yet followed up to see what still needs to be done.
  • Stuck with intermittent fasting times. Today I had two cookies at 10:30am, but otherwise I did not have snacks in the morning.

Fun things for tonight are aikido and reading or knitting. I want to get several projects done this weekend and have the whole day to work with. The next two weekends have aikido events, so I can take this weekend off.

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Hooray for productive adult conversations. Opposite of hooray for relationship arguments. They suck. I hope Elf and Cleo figure it out and mend things stronger from it.   :) 

 

And congratulations on an overall good week.

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The Great Reading Thread of 2024

“I've always believed that failure is non-existent. What is failure? You go to the end of the season, then you lose the Super Bowl. Is that failing? To most people, maybe. But when you're picking apart why you failed, and now you're learning from that, then is that really failing? I don't think so." - Kobe Bryant, 1978-2020. Rest in peace, great warrior.

Personal Challenges, a.k.a.The Saga of Scalyfreak: Tutorial; Ch 1; Ch 2; Ch 3; Ch 4; Ch 5; Ch 6; Intermission; Intermission II; Ch 7; Ch 8; Ch 9; Ch 10; Ch 11; Ch 12 ; Ch 13; Ch 14Ch 15; Ch 16; Ch 17; Intermission IIICh 18; Ch 19; Ch 20; Ch 21; Ch 22; Ch 23; Ch 24; Ch 25; Intermission IV; Ch 26; Ch 27; Ch 28; Ch 29; Ch 30; Ch 31; Ch 32; Ch 33; Ch 34; Ch 35; Ch 36; Ch 37; Ch 38; Ch 39; Ch 40; Intermission V; Ch 41; Ch 42; Ch 43; Ch 44; Ch 45; Ch 46; Ch 47; Intermission VI; Ch 48; Ch 49

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Week 3 update

 

Summary: better than week 2 by a lot. Still a ways to go.

 

I moved my bedtime up a little and got mostly enough sleep. I still had one sleep fail for no obvious reason.  This week I have moved my morning wakeup time to 5:30am. Hopefully that will encourage me to go to bed earlier too.

 

Intermittent fasting worked well. I was not hungry in the evenings. I ate protein and veggies for meals and had treats as offered at special events. Two of those were ice cream. I had quite a lot of chocolate some days. I was two pounds lighter at my Monday morning weigh in. Highly encouraging.

 

No gaming during the week worked last week but I am not sure about keeping that as a general thing. I need to keep looking at how I spend my time and what I do for fun and relaxation.

 

Dumbledore told me that I should take care of myself better. I think he means that I should take more down time so that I am not a stress bunny. But he could mean that I should exercise more consistently, or I should make healthy food more often, or I should do zen more consistently, or I should get more sleep. Which part of taking care of myself am I supposed to be doing more of?

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3 hours ago, Mistr said:

Which part of taking care of myself am I supposed to be doing more of?

 

I'm not sure. 

 

...ask him? 😇

The Great Reading Thread of 2024

“I've always believed that failure is non-existent. What is failure? You go to the end of the season, then you lose the Super Bowl. Is that failing? To most people, maybe. But when you're picking apart why you failed, and now you're learning from that, then is that really failing? I don't think so." - Kobe Bryant, 1978-2020. Rest in peace, great warrior.

Personal Challenges, a.k.a.The Saga of Scalyfreak: Tutorial; Ch 1; Ch 2; Ch 3; Ch 4; Ch 5; Ch 6; Intermission; Intermission II; Ch 7; Ch 8; Ch 9; Ch 10; Ch 11; Ch 12 ; Ch 13; Ch 14Ch 15; Ch 16; Ch 17; Intermission IIICh 18; Ch 19; Ch 20; Ch 21; Ch 22; Ch 23; Ch 24; Ch 25; Intermission IV; Ch 26; Ch 27; Ch 28; Ch 29; Ch 30; Ch 31; Ch 32; Ch 33; Ch 34; Ch 35; Ch 36; Ch 37; Ch 38; Ch 39; Ch 40; Intermission V; Ch 41; Ch 42; Ch 43; Ch 44; Ch 45; Ch 46; Ch 47; Intermission VI; Ch 48; Ch 49

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On 8/22/2023 at 7:49 PM, Scaly Freak said:

...ask him? 😇

 

You had a good point there, so I did. He was clear that he was talking about me taking care of my mental health.

 

I played a lot of Immortal Life yesterday and did only a few useful things. I am happy about what I got done and how I spent my time.

 

We discovered the hard way that our cats are intimidated by Honey so much that they do not want to walk by the screen door to go downstairs. Guys, the litter box is downstairs. We thought the pee-and-poop in the papasan incident was probably caused by the young people not cleaning the litter box or accidentally locking the door while we were on vacation. Now I'm not so sure. Dorian pooped in a basket of clean laundry that was sitting in the living room. I cleaned the laundry, including a soak in a deodorizing solution containing bleach. Luckily it was a load of whites. Dumbledore set up an extra litter box in the family room and promised to keep it scooped. Then last night Dumbledore caught Dorian sniffing at the cat bed in a suspicious fashion. He had peed in the cat bed. Dumbledore shampooed the living room carpet.

 

Honey's photo and story have been posted on social media and the Humane Society site to find her a forever home. She is not showing any signs of calming down and being okay living with our cats. We do not want to cause them (or us) more stress.

 

Elf and Cleo are off visiting a friend for several days. It is really nice to have the house to ourselves. I did dishes last night and the kitchen was still clean when I got up this morning! Dumbledore and I have been comparing notes on becoming empty-nesters. It is too soon to say, but I think we will appreciate having the mental space.

 

On the challenge front, I have been getting enough sleep but not earlier. I have been going for walks or doing yoga for exercise. I have a big project due at work on Monday and will probably need to work this weekend to finish it. I'm not as upset about that as I would have been a year ago. I can do fun things on the weekend regardless.

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My current challenge  Battle log 

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Cats are so sensitive to stress. And they express it by peeing in the wrong place. If people did that, maybe everyone would take greater care not to upset everyone else. 

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Let cheese and oxen and mead crowd out our secret desires for power and domination - Harriet the Viking

Just be bold, fluid and unapologetic, not small, hairy and indecisive - Harriet the Artist

You can absorb me! - Harriet the Contextless Guru

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Aaaa oh no, pooping in the laundry!! One of my family's cats is also such a troublemaker, always pees in weird places, like kitchen sink or.... a bag of sweets ^^`

 

Haha, the comment about the clean kitchen in the morning. Oh I know this feeling very well. I always feel it when I live separetly from my husband xD I am like: Well, being alone also has its merits after all 

 

Great you are not upset about working on the weekend. It's a great progress you could change your perspective. Have a fantastic weekend regardless! 

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Veni, vidi, vici. 

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10 hours ago, Mistr said:

We discovered the hard way that our cats are intimidated by Honey so much that they do not want to walk by the screen door to go downstairs. Guys, the litter box is downstairs. 

 

Oh no.... Oh yikes.

 

10 hours ago, Mistr said:

Honey's photo and story have been posted on social media and the Humane Society site to find her a forever home. She is not showing any signs of calming down and being okay living with our cats. We do not want to cause them (or us) more stress.

 

Yeah, as much as I would have loved for the story to have a happy ending with honey becoming a part of your loving family, it is absolutely not worth it if it leads to your native cat population turning the entire house into their litter box in order to communicate their stress more effectively. Nope. No. 

 

And I'm glad the Humane Society are able to help you find honey a home. Hopefully it happens soon, and is a forever kind of home. Perhaps with no other cats....?

 

10 hours ago, Mistr said:

Elf and Cleo are off visiting a friend for several days. It is really nice to have the house to ourselves. I did dishes last night and the kitchen was still clean when I got up this morning! Dumbledore and I have been comparing notes on becoming empty-nesters. It is too soon to say, but I think we will appreciate having the mental space.

 

I hope you are able to get the full benefit of your "time off" from  being parents for a while. :) 

The Great Reading Thread of 2024

“I've always believed that failure is non-existent. What is failure? You go to the end of the season, then you lose the Super Bowl. Is that failing? To most people, maybe. But when you're picking apart why you failed, and now you're learning from that, then is that really failing? I don't think so." - Kobe Bryant, 1978-2020. Rest in peace, great warrior.

Personal Challenges, a.k.a.The Saga of Scalyfreak: Tutorial; Ch 1; Ch 2; Ch 3; Ch 4; Ch 5; Ch 6; Intermission; Intermission II; Ch 7; Ch 8; Ch 9; Ch 10; Ch 11; Ch 12 ; Ch 13; Ch 14Ch 15; Ch 16; Ch 17; Intermission IIICh 18; Ch 19; Ch 20; Ch 21; Ch 22; Ch 23; Ch 24; Ch 25; Intermission IV; Ch 26; Ch 27; Ch 28; Ch 29; Ch 30; Ch 31; Ch 32; Ch 33; Ch 34; Ch 35; Ch 36; Ch 37; Ch 38; Ch 39; Ch 40; Intermission V; Ch 41; Ch 42; Ch 43; Ch 44; Ch 45; Ch 46; Ch 47; Intermission VI; Ch 48; Ch 49

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On 8/25/2023 at 9:56 PM, Scaly Freak said:

Yeah, as much as I would have loved for the story to have a happy ending with honey becoming a part of your loving family, it is absolutely not worth it if it leads to your native cat population turning the entire house into their litter box in order to communicate their stress more effectively. Nope. No. 

 

And I'm glad the Humane Society are able to help you find honey a home. Hopefully it happens soon, and is a forever kind of home. Perhaps with no other cats....?

 

The Humane Society really just helps with publicity. They recommend using social media as the main outlet for finding a home for a pet.

 

As it turned out, Dumbledore's gaming group that normally meets at the local game store came over to our place on Saturday afternoon. One of the gamers is interested in Honey. She had to put down a cat earlier this year and is at the point of wanting another cat. We are keeping our fingers crossed that this works out.

 

On 8/25/2023 at 9:56 PM, Scaly Freak said:

I hope you are able to get the full benefit of your "time off" from  being parents for a while. :) 

 

It was nice while it lasted, which is educational in its own right.

 

Dumbledore and I have had a lot of discussion about what kind of household interaction we would like from Elf and Cleo. We are figuring out when and how to have "think about how you are going to get your act together" conversations.

 

Plus there was DRAMA. Not a surprise, but not something I want a ringside seat for either. I expect this week to be quiet. There may be another episode next weekend.

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I feel like I am doing okay on trading off what I can make fit. I am doing more social things than I was a year ago. That is almost certainly good for me, but I also want more down time.

 

I went to aikido on Friday and Sunday instead of the special event on Saturday. I did get my work project done (at 10pm on Saturday). Sunday afternoon I went to an outing at a state park an hour from home.

 

Today I considered sitting zen at lunch. I chose to lie on the grass under the trees and watch the clouds instead. I felt like I needed unstructured time more than anything else. Zen is one of the things that has been falling off my plate when I am doing too much. Part of me feels bad about that, but the rest of me is too tired to care. I am going to work on getting my bedtime moved up this week. Wakeup time is already early, so I'm going to be tired and grouchy if I don't adjust my bedtime to match.

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Level 75  Viking paladin

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s h e e s h ~

 

You've had a lot going on. I'm honestly impressed with how well you seem to be handling things. I don't know that I would be as gracious if I were the one living through all this.

 

Listening to you talk about Elf and Cleo reminds me of a brief stint when me and my folks and my younger brother were all living together again after having lived apart a while. Living together as a bunch of adults was really different, and it took some accommodation from all of us to all of us to make it work. Cleaning the kitchen was, looking back on it, kind of a lynch pin for us because we all used the kitchen at different times to different degrees for wildly different purposes. TBF, I think you're actually kind of easy on them because you're just asking for dishes; my folks made us clean the dishes, and the sink, and the stovetop after every meal. (to be fair, it was a standard they held themselves to too, so it was always ornery but it never felt bad, you know?).

 

I have no answers to what's going on. Just sympathy.

 

13 minutes ago, Mistr said:

Today I considered sitting zen at lunch. I chose to lie on the grass under the trees and watch the clouds instead.

 

Did that for a few minutes during the Ruck this past Saturday. It helped. A lot. Makes me think there might be something to this business of grounding that the youth are talking about these days.

 

But yeah, I feel you on meditation falling off in busy periods. I have no answers here either, but if I find something that works, I'll be sure to rant about it and let you and everyone know. :)

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3 hours ago, Mistr said:

As it turned out, Dumbledore's gaming group that normally meets at the local game store came over to our place on Saturday afternoon. One of the gamers is interested in Honey. She had to put down a cat earlier this year and is at the point of wanting another cat. We are keeping our fingers crossed that this works out.

 

This would be a great happy ending for Honey and for the gamer. I hope she's able to adopt Honey and the two of them live happily almost-ever after together. :) 

 

3 hours ago, Mistr said:

Plus there was DRAMA. Not a surprise, but not something I want a ringside seat for either. I expect this week to be quiet. There may be another episode next weekend.

 

Oh no. That's just unfair.

 

2 hours ago, Kishi said:

I'm honestly impressed with how well you seem to be handling things. I don't know that I would be as gracious if I were the one living through all this

 

And also this. Somehow I have not mentioned this, but yes, I agree with everything Kishi said here. 

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Thank you for your support.

 

It helps to hear from other people that I have a lot going on.  I know that I am running close to 100% capacity. Too often I feel like that is because I am not being as effective as I could be, both at work and at home. The current level feels like a step down from what I was trying to do last fall. I was trying to shove in more than 100% and things were falling out the back.

 

Dumbledore and I have been talking a lot about the situation with Elf and Cleo, individually and severally. Dumbledore asked me to skip gaming yesterday to talk with Elf. I was happy to have good excuse to skip gaming. That in itself is a sign. I like the social aspect of in-person gaming, but I would like it better every other week.

 

I had a good talk with Elf. We talked about job hunting, household chores and being a more active member of the household. That means coming out of their room and having conversation with Dumbledore and me. Elf thought they were doing enough by saying "Hi" and "how was your day?". I explained that those were a good start, but not enough. I suggested they share memes and dad jokes with Dumbledore. Interaction does not have to be deep or intense. Frequent and friendly is what we are looking for right now. Elf does not see how much they have been hiding in their room and not expressing real interest in anyone else.

 

Elf acknowledged that they should be doing more chores. They remember which tasks they said they would do, except for mowing the lawn. I think they are forgetting mowing because they hate it. Tough kiddo. No one likes to mow the lawn. I told them that I wanted them to wash their dishes within 48 hours of cooking. Dumbledore and I are not cooking because we don't have time and energy to clean up after Elf and then cook. Now we wait to see if anything changes.

 

Spoiler

On the relationship side, I found out that Elf did not think they had kicked out Cleo. Cleo certainly felt like she had been kicked out. sigh

 

I told Elf that we were going to give Cleo space to get a job and get on her feet, whether or not the two of them patched up their relationship. I was hoping to have several more days to deal with bedrooms. As it happened, Cleo needed to come back last night because of medical appointments. This was quite the shock to Elf. 

 

It seems that they really do want to be in a relationship, they just don't have the negotiation and communication tools they need. I remember being in that spot. Not fun. I can offer some tips, but mostly they need to work things out on their own. Hopefully they will be able to do that more easily when not living in the same room 24/7.

 

I was not able to sleep much last night with everything going on. I hope things are calmer when I get home from aikido tonight.

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On 8/28/2023 at 10:23 PM, Mistr said:

Zen is one of the things that has been falling off my plate when I am doing too much. Part of me feels bad about that, but the rest of me is too tired to care.

 

I understand this. There are times when I don't care about any of the things I say I do, and I don't know if it's tiredness or something else but it's hard to make progress when I feel like a different and totally apathetic person. If only I knew what caused slug mind and how to prevent it, or get out of it.

 

8 hours ago, Mistr said:

I told them that I wanted them to wash their dishes within 48 hours of cooking. Dumbledore and I are not cooking because we don't have time and energy to clean up after Elf and then cook. Now ewait to see if anything changes.

 

 

48 hour is generous. You don't mind dirty dishes hanging around for two days? I don't have enough dishes, or kitchen space, for that, and I think our kitchen is generous in size for an apartment. I also prefer washing up immediately, when I still recognise the scraps on my plate as nice clean food, rather than later, when I don't remember or recognise it and it just becomes horrible residue. 

 

8 hours ago, Mistr said:

 

  Hide contents

On the relationship side, I found out that Elf did not think they had kicked out Cleo. Cleo certainly felt like she had been kicked out. sigh

 

I told Elf that we were going to give Cleo space to get a job and get on her feet, whether or not the two of them patched up their relationship. I was hoping to have several more days to deal with bedrooms. As it happened, Cleo needed to come back last night because of medical appointments. This was quite the shock to Elf. 

 

It seems that they really do want to be in a relationship, they just don't have the negotiation and communication tools they need. I remember being in that spot. Not fun. I can offer some tips, but mostly they need to work things out on their own. Hopefully they will be able to do that more easily when not living in the same room 24/7.

 


This sounds good. I have the feeling Elf has a lot of social and person skills to develop, fast, and being able to hide in one's bedroom with a girlfriend doesn't really sound like it would promote that. I would know, I spent a lot of time hiding in my girlfriend's bedroom as a youngster. I hope Elf will get on their feet, because I imagine they'll bloom so much if they can get a steady income, move out, and be the head or shared head of their own place, rather than a dependant.

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It's really a lot going on. No wonder you couldn't sleep after that. However, I hope you can have a more relaxing day today, look at it with little distance and take a deep breath! 

 

I hope the situation with kids gets better and that Elf will do better with the chores in the future. When I was younger I often didn't do something I decided to do, because I didn't have enough enough self discipline. It took me some time to develop it. Maybe that's the case for them. 

 

I think you're dealing with the situation at home very well, you show so much care and support and think how to solve the issues. I come from a similar kind of family (my brother is from a previous relationship) and my parents were just happy when he was closed in his room because they didn't have to deal with him. Till now he is alone, and he is already 50. Once closed in a room, forever closed in a room. 

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21 hours ago, Mistr said:

I had a good talk with Elf. We talked about job hunting, household chores and being a more active member of the household. That means coming out of their room and having conversation with Dumbledore and me. Elf thought they were doing enough by saying "Hi" and "how was your day?". I explained that those were a good start, but not enough.

 

I'm gonna throw Elf a bone on this one and say that I sympathize, as someone with some fairly antisocial tendencies. I have a history of fairly shallow engagement with lots of people and I haven't always clocked when that wasn't really enough. I could totally see myself doing and being like that. I hope they learn from this and get better.

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Last night I made my target bedtime for the first time this challenge. That was because I was exhausted, but it still counts. B) 

 

I went to aikido last night and was tremendously relieved to find another senior blackbelt there planning to teach. We both responded to the call for substitute teachers. He taught a great class. I felt stiff which makes me concerned about the seminar this weekend. I have been doing a lot of walking but no rowing, yoga or strength training. And probably eating too much dairy. I'll have to look at that.

 

In happy news, Dumbledore's gaming friend took Honey to her forever home today. 😻  I checked with the Humane Society about the microchip. The phone number of the previous owner is disconnected and no one has filed a missing pet report. I feel better knowing we did our due diligence on that. My project for tonight is to clean up the mud room and get rid of all the cat stuff.

 

On the less happy side, Elf has not done any of the things they promised to do and is falling into old destructive coping behavior. Dumbledore and I are Very Concerned. I am going to have a TALK with Elf tonight. Meaning that I will be doing the majority of the talking. Not being able to deal with relationship stress is not an excuse for bad behavior. I am quite sure that Elf needs professional help and also that they are not willing to accept that right now.

 

I hope that Cleo will be okay and move forward without relying on Elf. I have a conversation scheduled with her this evening too.

 

 

I am looking forward to having the cats use the downstairs catbox again and having Cleo out of the family room and into a bedroom. If we do a bunch of work, that should happen in the next two weeks.

 

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