[Tanktimus the Encourager]

Sounds like The Pedant wants you to do the work authoring the paper so he can have his name appear first in the by-line. That is not to take away from your awesome in being offered that, but rather to further diminish his.

[Heidi]

12 minutes ago, Tanktimus the Encourager said:

Sounds like The Pedant wants you to do the work authoring the paper so he can have his name appear first in the by-line. That is not to take away from your awesome in being offered that, but rather to further diminish his.

Agree 100% with this assessment, and this is the reason I'm declining.

I have seen many fair-to-middling professors pounce on Really Good Students who get all starry-eyed at the possibility of publishing. The professor always gets top billing, and the student always gets treated like a clerk-at-best, and it's predatory, and the fact that so many Library Students are women is absolutely not helping this dynamic at all. Also the professor is usually incapable of coming up with meaningful work of his own accord. If the idea is worth authoring, it's been my experience that the student can find a good outlet for publication on her own, she just needs the mentorship (without having the credit stolen along the way). For the record, I've not once seen this dynamic from a woman professor, even though I'm certain it happens. It just seems so pathetically prevalent in the male professorate. We have a lot of ground to cover in all areas before we have equity, and academia sometimes seems to have the farthest to go.

 

I did tailor my refusal to be more of a question, saying that I am open to suggestions for topics for co-authorship. If he comes up with anything on his own, he can send it to me, and we'll talk about availability and interest at that point. And I thanked him for the progress update and the feedback. Always nice to be able to say "thank you." I mean, I went to a Southern Women's College; if there's anything I know how to do, it's say "aw, shucks, thanks, y'all."

[Heidi]

New phone came in, and I spent some time setting it up.

I was fortunate enough to have some time to talk with Mikayla and Kat when they dropped off the vegetables, and they said they would do a winter share pickup at a second (nearby) location, also on Tuesdays, so I signed up for that after work. The winter share (different farm) includes root vegetables, cheese, fruit, and bread. I can also order extras a la carte to be included in the share bag, which is nice. The current farm share runs out just after Thanksgiving, so this is a nice add on to carry me through January. There will be two bags during November, which is all to the good.

 

I ate the last portion of Thursday Soup while I set up the new phone. It was very warming and exactly what I needed. I still have another serving of white bean chili set aside and will probably eat that tomorrow. I was Actually Hungry around 4, and that was nice.

 

I submitted a discussion post for Ethics class and did a cursory first pass at the discussion post for The Pedant. I'm tired but not exhausted. Probably going to wind yarn and watch an episode and call it an early evening.

[Severine]

I agree with everything you've said about senior profs taking advantage of students and getting credit for their work. It's so prevalent in academia that it's a cliché. And having worked in academic publishing, I have seen the other side of it, which is part of what makes it so hard to topple this dynamic: it's much more difficult for an article to be published in a prestigious journal if it doesn't have a tenured/established researcher among the authors, even if the research itself is of high quality and potential impact. Of course, this is part of the structure that perpetuates this problem. That's why most up-and-coming researchers have to establish their publication record either in lower-tier journals as sole/first author, or as part of a larger team carried by a Big Name in more well-known journals.

 

Academic publishing in general is a toxic mess, and I could go on for hours about the ways in which it's broken. The way good, ethical professors handle this is to allow the grad student who actually did the bulk of the work to be billed as first author. When I saw an article for submission with the author list "Grad Student, Grad Student, Post Doc, Grad Student, Junior Professor, Post Doc, Big Important Famous Prof," I knew Big Important Famous Prof was treating their research team fairly. They're still there as an anchor/backstop to add credibility, but they're giving credit where it's due, and the grad student(s) who really drove the project get(s) the glory. If the Pedant follows through and sends you something you actually want to work on with him, it would be worth asking him whether he would accept you being listed as first author if you did the bulk of the work.

 

I love seeing you calmly and confidently insist on your worth being recognized.

[Scaly Freak]

52 minutes ago, Severine said:

If the Pedant follows through and sends you something you actually want to work on with him, it would be worth asking him whether he would accept you being listed as first author if you did the bulk of the work.

 

...and if he says yes, get it in writing. 

[RES]

3 hours ago, Heidi said:

Always nice to be able to say "thank you." I mean, I went to a Southern Women's College; if there's anything I know how to do, it's say "aw, shucks, thanks, y'all."

Fairly certain this is a course requirement at any school in the south

[Sovalis]

What a flurry of developments! I'm so proud of you for centring yourself through all of this and remembering to eat. 😉💜 

[Darciana]

The gym routine sounds delightful. I am glad that you are able to benefit while also helping someone ❤️  I hope it continues in the best of ways.

[Heidi]

17 hours ago, Severine said:

I love seeing you calmly and confidently insist on your worth being recognized.

I love it too. It's been a long path to get here, and it is absolutely worth it.

 

16 hours ago, Scaly Freak said:

 

...and if he says yes, get it in writing. 

You know it!Tempted to make you Mistress of the Contracts™

15 hours ago, RES said:

Fairly certain this is a course requirement at any school in the south

Registration requirement.  

15 hours ago, Sovalis said:

What a flurry of developments! I'm so proud of you for centring yourself through all of this and remembering to eat. 😉💜 

Thank you! It was a Good Morning™

4 hours ago, Darciana said:

The gym routine sounds delightful. I am glad that you are able to benefit while also helping someone ❤️  I hope it continues in the best of ways.

The lovely part is that by bolstering the PM in her role and her job, I'm actually making things easier on myself. Team work really does make everything better.

Next gym day is Thursday, and I think this is solid. Twice a week of a really good workout is a definite win.

 

Hi, y'all!

This morning I logged into work early on purpose. Some code updates we had been waiting for posted late last night and I wanted to test them before the morning status meeting, and also I have a meeting with Philosopher James in the late afternoon, so I planned on getting 8 hours in before that as part of living my boundaries. The Contentious Coworker was actually flustered as she said "oh, wow, ok, that's great" and updated my portion of the status meeting to complete. For the record, mine is the only item on the list that is complete, and mine was last on the list since it didn't get added until yesterday's status meeting when I said "Sure, I can do that. How do we want to capture this effort? Does it get added to an existing item or is it an item of its own?" This little side project that has nothing to do with my actual job is absolutely eclipsing my whole calendar, and then a different housekeeping side project got thrown in my lap today, and I knew it was coming but didn't know when it would arrive. I'm very glad I showed up early, and very glad that I did it on my terms -- between gym days -- and very glad that I'm only going to work 8 hours today.

 

Even so, I get all the "holy crap, everyone's going to think I'm a slacker" feels about leaving "early" after working "only" 8 hours. This is an internal retraining that I'm undertaking, and I am breathing my way through. 

 

This week's Public Libraries discussion post is about library governance structure, and I'm dragging my feet, but it will all be okay. It's dry but doable and is the homework piece that I've slated for today (I have one discussion piece a day and one to two projects a week, usually on Fridays and the weekends).  Tomorrow is the other Ethics post. I have 17 sources for this week's project of the Annotated Bibliography, and have already created the document with screenshots of sample searches and formatted everything in the right citation format. What remains is to go through and write a sentence or two for each source about why and how it relates to my research, which is currently slated for Friday evening so that I can finish it up before Vivian's visit. Sunday is discussion reply evening. Whew.

 

I've been listening to an ocean of cello music lately. Like I just can't get enough of the sound, and I think it's time to finally break down and take lessons. (Cello has been a grounding instrument for me all my life, and the one I asked to play when my mom first asked me what instrument I wanted to learn. That somehow morphed into piano, but that's not important right now.) So I wrote to a friend who knows the music scene and asked about who does lessons nearby or virtually, and I'm scouting around for a cello to own. Okay, Universe.

 

All remains quiet on the Western Front.

❤️ 

[Heidi]

Discussion post submitted. I feel like it's incomplete, but the truth is I could have gone on for a very long time and it's already over 1100 words, so I called it good enough and sent it on its way.

[Severine]

1 hour ago, Heidi said:

I've been listening to an ocean of cello music lately. Like I just can't get enough of the sound, and I think it's time to finally break down and take lessons. (Cello has been a grounding instrument for me all my life, and the one I asked to play when my mom first asked me what instrument I wanted to learn. That somehow morphed into piano, but that's not important right now.) So I wrote to a friend who knows the music scene and asked about who does lessons nearby or virtually, and I'm scouting around for a cello to own. Okay, Universe.

 

The cello is my favourite instrument! Do you know Zoe Keating? My favourite modern cellist. I would definitely recommend checking her out if you're not familiar. I've seen her live many times, and she's incredible both on and off the stage (lost her husband to brain cancer years ago and became a bit of an activist for healthcare reform after their insurance company tried to deny him coverage for essential treatments).

[Heidi]

2 hours ago, Severine said:

 

The cello is my favourite instrument! Do you know Zoe Keating? My favourite modern cellist. I would definitely recommend checking her out if you're not familiar. I've seen her live many times, and she's incredible both on and off the stage (lost her husband to brain cancer years ago and became a bit of an activist for healthcare reform after their insurance company tried to deny him coverage for essential treatments).

Thank you. I'll look her up!

 

I met with Philosopher James and then had a call with Vivian. I am so mentally and emotionally wiped out that I don't even think I can knit 

 

It's time for a rest.

All will be well.

❤️

[Heidi]

Good morning, Nerds.

 

I woke up at 5, which is good, and thought my thoughts, mostly with my eyes closed since I have a low-grade headache that feels like a Zoom Hangover.  By the time I felt like opening my eyes, it was 6:45, which was perfect timing for getting dressed and meeting Mikayla and Kat for the gym. As I was putting on my tennis shoes, they texted apologies and canceled, which was not a bad idea, really -- the Zoom Hangovers have a seasickness to them that I was feeling my waiy through but not really loving.  I texted love and support back and thought about the germ landscape right now as I made tea. Vivian is sick, which is kind of par for any student at the beginning of the year, but also she almost never gets sick; the locally-based PM has a wicked cold; she mentioned that her brother and sister and their kids have Covid. All of this is to say it's autumn.  I decided to be gentle with the Zoom Hangover, took my tea to the roof, and enjoyed the early morning in my hoodie (15°C/ ). This was exactly the right decision. 

Back in the apartment, I did a set of dead bugs and C100, then did a full-on corpse pose session, which is always my favorite. 

 

The grade for the infographic came in: 13/15 points (87%), and a comment that it was excellent in organization and in the information I included. So why the low grade? Friends, I had left default text (the Lorem ipsum stuff) on the main slide. I laughed. I mean, this is what happens when you pay attention to the DemonSelfTalk instead of the assignment at hand. I dropped the prof a good-natured note about being embarassed and she wrote back to say she had done the same thing before. She's my Library advisor and on my doctoral committee, so I really am grateful that this was processed as simply being human. And here's the thing: It's a point and half. Yes, it was the lowest grade in the whole class for this assignment. Yes, it is so far the lowest grade I've received on any assignment as a graduate student. And really if this is the worst that the SelfTalk can do, then pffft,  whatever, because I have received a real gift worth more than academic points or a grade: I have learned how my advisor - committee member sees her students, herself, and me. I had the opportunity to respond with grace and honesty. All of this is immeasurable.  Thank you, Universe.

 

On the call yesterday, VIvian and I talked about her upcoming band competition. It's Saturday and is an all-day event (half-day in the case of rain), and she has it in her head that she won't see me becuase she has something else scheduled. I listened, mostly. This is something that should be worked out between parents, ideally. In any event, I'm glad she has band things. This is her tribe, and this is good.

 

After the call yesterday, I opened the shared spreadsheet that Philosopher James and I set up. We're putting together the Lego bricks of the dissertation. doing an exercise that I call "walking the maze backwards." He and I need to craft a reading list to cover the gaps in my reading, and I need to put together a precis for the committee, all of which is leading to Qualifying Exam and the Research Proposal and ultimately the three-manuscript dissertation. We have three columns, one for each manuscript, with big questions identified, and then under them some readings that will be supportive. This is good. We focused on the philosophy of education coumn, which is the one in which my coursework to date has been the most haphazard. I went through and put dates to most of the readings. Most of them are article length, but there are a few whole books, so I started by assigneing the books to Thanksgiving and after, then assigned two articles to each week between now and Thanksgiving. This ended up magically containing all of the items on the list. Now all that remains is to read an extra two articles each week and make notes on them (I mean, that's a solid amount of work, but this is the work that I'm here for.)  One of the things that is awesome about grad school is the latitude we have for selecting projects, and I had already chosen the whole third column investigation as my research focus for the Research Methods class. That means that by the end of the term, I'll have significant notes for two of the three manuscripts. All will be well. 

 

It's kind of unreal to be at this point.

 

This week's remaining work is to read a couple Ethics of Information articles and write another discussion post, replies to each class's discussion boards, and the annotations for the bibliography. And the two articles for the Reading List. 

 

My To-Do list is full (but not crammed), and my heart wants nothing more than to play the cello, read Joan Didion, and recite poetry.

[Heidi]

"Self-respect is a discipline, a habit of mind that can never be faked but can be developed, trained, coaxed forth. It was once suggested to me that, as an antidote to crying, I put my head in a paper bag. As it happens, there is a sound physiological reason, something to do with oxygen, for doing exactly that, but the psychological effect alone is incalculable: it is difficult in the extreme to continue fancying oneself Cathy in Wuthering Heights with one’s head in a Food Fair bag. There is a similar case for all the small disciplines, unimportant in themselves; imagine maintaining any kind of swoon, commiserative or carnal, in a cold shower.

[…]

To have that sense of one’s intrinsic worth which constitutes self-respect is potentially to have everything: the ability to discriminate, to love and to remain indifferent. To lack it is to be locked within oneself, paradoxically incapable of either love or indifference. If we do not respect ourselves, we are on the one hand forced to despise those who have so few resources as to consort with us, so little perception as to remain blind to our fatal weaknesses. On the other, we are peculiarly in thrall to everyone we see, curiously determined to live out — since our self-image is untenable — their false notion of us. We flatter ourselves by thinking this compulsion to please others an attractive trait: a gist for imaginative empathy, evidence of our willingness to give. Of course I will play Francesca to your Paolo, Helen Keller to anyone’s Annie Sullivan; no expectation is too misplaced, no role too ludicrous. At the mercy of those we cannot but hold in contempt, we play roles doomed to failure before they are begun, each defeat generating fresh despair at the urgency of divining and meting the next demand made upon us.

 

It is the phenomenon sometimes called ‘alienation from self.’ In its advanced stages, we no longer answer the telephone, because someone might want something; that we could say no without drowning in self-reproach is an idea alien to this game. Every encounter demands too much, tears the nerves, drains the will, and the specter of something as small as an unanswered letter arouses such disproportionate guilt that answering it becomes out of the question. To assign unanswered letters their proper weight, to free us from the expectations of others, to give us back to ourselves — there lies the great, the singular power of self-respect. Without it, one eventually discovers the final turn of the screw: one runs away to find oneself, and finds no one at home."

 

-- Joan Didion, "On Self-Respect," in Slouching Towards Bethlehem

[Kalitraz]

30 minutes ago, Heidi said:

"Self-respect is a discipline, a habit of mind that can never be faked but can be developed, trained, coaxed forth.

[…]

To have that sense of one’s intrinsic worth which constitutes self-respect is potentially to have everything: the ability to discriminate, to love and to remain indifferent. To lack it is to be locked within oneself, paradoxically incapable of either love or indifference. If we do not respect ourselves, we are on the one hand forced to despise those who have so few resources as to consort with us, so little perception as to remain blind to our fatal weaknesses. On the other, we are peculiarly in thrall to everyone we see, curiously determined to live out — since our self-image is untenable — their false notion of us. We flatter ourselves by thinking this compulsion to please others an attractive trait: a gist for imaginative empathy, evidence of our willingness to give. ... At the mercy of those we cannot but hold in contempt, we play roles doomed to failure before they are begun, each defeat generating fresh despair at the urgency of divining and meting the next demand made upon us.

 

It is the phenomenon sometimes called ‘alienation from self.’ In its advanced stages, we no longer answer the telephone, because someone might want something; that we could say no without drowning in self-reproach is an idea alien to this game. Every encounter demands too much, tears the nerves, drains the will, and the specter of something as small as an unanswered letter arouses such disproportionate guilt that answering it becomes out of the question. To assign unanswered letters their proper weight, to free us from the expectations of others, to give us back to ourselves — there lies the great, the singular power of self-respect. Without it, one eventually discovers the final turn of the screw: one runs away to find oneself, and finds no one at home."

 

-- Joan Didion, "On Self-Respect," in Slouching Towards Bethlehem

 

Oof, that hits home. I'm gonna save this one and reference back to it often. I am that chameleon trying to fit what others expect, I've had those unanswered letters... (think I probably still have a couple buried in inboxes). Big part of my current challenge is about self-respect, and I think I needed to read this. Thank you!

[Heidi]

 

[Heidi]

Bought the Kindle version of A Velocity of Being: Letters to A Young Reader by the incomparable Rebecca Solnit. I'll probably use it in the presentation in October, but that's the thinnest of all possible rationales. I bought it beucase I'm feeling low and lonely and contemplative, and books have always been my haven, and having Solnit say the same thing feels like having a best friend. I'll probably buy a physical copy when I make my pilgrimage to the New York Public Library in a couple weeks, a potent reason for saying yes to the conference that is the foundation for why I'm going, honestly.

[Heidi]

Homework for the day is done.

My house is clean

 

I've spent the work day in Too Many Meetings (that could have been an email), and my brain is saturated.

[Mistr]

Good for you setting boundaries around work and getting recognition for doing your part of the project!

 

I have noticed that other people on my team often post that they started early and are leaving early. By doing what you did, you are a good example to others at your workplace.  

[RES]

5 hours ago, Heidi said:

I've spent the work day in Too Many Meetings (that could have been an email), and my brain is saturated.

I feel this statement to the depths of my soul, beginning to think it's a side effect of WFH.

[Scaly Freak]

17 minutes ago, RES said:

I feel this statement to the depths of my soul, beginning to think it's a side effect of WFH.

 

I disagree. It's a side effect of WFH with a workforce that doesn't know how to use alternative collaboration tools. My job has a combination setup of Slack and Confluence, and we do a ton of our work in group chats.

[Heidi]

4 hours ago, Mistr said:

Good for you setting boundaries around work and getting recognition for doing your part of the project!

 

I have noticed that other people on my team often post that they started early and are leaving early. By doing what you did, you are a good example to others at your workplace.  

Thank you. 

37 minutes ago, RES said:

I feel this statement to the depths of my soul, beginning to think it's a side effect of WFH.

Not necessarily, but when it goes wrong, it goes So Very Wrong

18 minutes ago, Scaly Freak said:

 

I disagree. It's a side effect of WFH with a workforce that doesn't know how to use alternative collaboration tools. My job has a combination setup of Slack and Confluence, and we do a ton of our work in group chats.

Yes. When the toxic coworker isn't calling the tune, our team is excellent at communicating and it's smooth and painless and effective.

 

The increases for the Varsity Neckwarmer are done. Just a few more inches of knitting as established.

[Heidi]

I had weird dreams and worke up around 6 feeling disoriented. I feel like professionals don't talk about this aspect of a TBI/ neurological condition enough (or at all). Like, I was always given to vivid, involved, cinematic dreams, but the TBI really ratcheded the whole thing up a notch and also makes waking up afterwards its own weird activity of getting reoriented. Add to that the unhelpful email from Vivian's dad, and it was 7 by the time I felt like a person. Tea helps. 

 

Today's classwork involves writing a reply to two of the classes (I can't remember if I did it or not; this happens every week, so I just made it a Friday task), thinking through the presentation, and starting the annotations for the bibliography (which should really be my first priority since it's due tomorrow). Vivian has a band competition tomorrow. It will likley be rained out, as we are getting a front coming in from the tropical cyclone that blew up off the coast (a legacy of a much larger storm last week, and my head is definitely feeling it), and I'd like to have her, but communication is, as noted, unhelpful.

 

Every time I look at the pictures of the Varsity Neckwarmer, I want to make adjustments (that would require starting over), becuase that's what designing as you go results in, and friends, I just need to finish it up and move on, mostly becuase the next home game is next week and also becuase I am likley never going to like anything I do in this color combination. Eventually I'll knit something else I like better, and someone will say that they love this one, and I'll give it to them, and this is The Way of the Knitter. 

[Darciana]

47 minutes ago, Heidi said:

Every time I look at the pictures of the Varsity Neckwarmer, I want to make adjustments (that would require starting over), becuase that's what designing as you go results in, and friends, I just need to finish it up and move on, mostly becuase the next home game is next week and also becuase I am likley never going to like anything I do in this color combination. Eventually I'll knit something else I like better, and someone will say that they love this one, and I'll give it to them, and this is The Way of the Knitter. 

I feel like I never appreciate or like anything of my own creation in this sense. It's not that it's bad, it is simply not quite there.

 

I do love that one, it is delightful and I love the color. Looks a maroon-ish in the photo? I'm all about muted fall colors like burnt orange, maroon, deep forest green, etc, so it's natural I'd be drawn to that. One day I shall resume my knitting habit and finish this scarf so I can move on to something I want. The scarf is for my best friend and I'd like to make something for me in my own happy colors. Previously I got about a foot into it and then moved 3 times over 5 years. I forgot the pattern and couldn't, for the life of me, figure it out so I pulled it all apart and restarted. I'm not far into it at all now. Oops. I suppose if we get another winter similar to Storm Uri back in 2021 here, I'll be bored without power/internet (read: no working) that I might manage to finish or at least make significant enough progress.

[Heidi]

2 minutes ago, Darciana said:

I feel like I never appreciate or like anything of my own creation in this sense. It's not that it's bad, it is simply not quite there.

Yes, this is it exactly. Thank you for these words.

 

The school colors are maroon and orange. I chose burnt orange for the stripe, becuase it's an orange that I actually like. In general, I'm saturated with the maroon and orange (never my favorite to begin with) since we have a large state university nearby that also has those colors and even though I'm a football person, the fans of this team are absolutely reminding everyone that the root of the term fan is fantatic. Also, I am elitist about education (unflattering, but true) and I don't love the town she lives in on this front, even though I really like her teachers and the school.  The state college (VPI&SU, pronounced Tech ) also falls into this elitism (All roads lead to Rome; all dirt roads lead to Virginia Tech), which means that cars and houses and stores and people are all decked out for GameDay and even though it's a lovely maroon, I'm saturated.

 

The tweaks I want to make: Make the neck ribbing shorter so that the cables start sooner; make the cables over 6 strands instead of over 4; add a second contrast color stripe just before the cables start; work the cables uniformly instead of elongating them as the piece grows (this effect works well in worsted yarn but is not coming accross in the same way in the finer yarn, stuff you just don't know until you try it). 

 

We should definitely set up some knit-along time.