[TrashcanCarla]

8 hours ago, Salinger said:

Morning TC. Im so sorry. 

There is no way you are a bad mum ❤️

 

Im really sorry about your uncle how awful

 

Sending love to you and your family xx

Thanks, Sal. I really appreciate your kind words. I think that I know that I'm not a bad mom, but I look at how much is left to do to prepare Odin for going back to full-time daycare and think 'why on earth haven't I gotten him ready by now!? '

 

I'm feeling a bit better today, however I'm dealing with lingering guilt over the binge eating of the ice cream. I'm of two minds about how to approach the matter - 1) quit beating myself up about it and move on or 2) beat myself up a bit about it, or else how will I not repeat the action of bingeing ice cream? Ugh. Those can't be my only two options. I'm not thinking clearly about this issue.

 

Today I'm going to check out three different daycares with my son, which is sure to be a bit exhausting. I have appointments at 10am, 11am and 5:30pm. Yeesh. I know I'm not going to be motivated to go to that 5:30 one, but I'd better do it.

 

In challenge related intentions:

- drink my liter of water

- try to find a few minutes to meditate, if my little guy will nap

- ugh exercise... do I have to try to do this today of all days? ugh

- didn't get up early today

[Harriet]

On 9/4/2023 at 2:17 AM, TrashcanCarla said:

I’m back. I am so glad for this community and its acceptance of respawners such as myself. Thank you, everyone. I can always try again, right? That’s what I’m going to go with. I need to learn to accept my own failures as much as those around me do. I need to give myself as much grace as I do others who don’t meet their aims.

 

Every new challenge is a new attempt. Just trying to claw our way to a little progress. 

 

11 minutes ago, TrashcanCarla said:

I think that I know that I'm not a bad mom, but I look at how much is left to do to prepare Odin for going back to full-time daycare and think 'why on earth haven't I gotten him ready by now!? '

 

What sort of things do you need to prepare? 

I'm so sorry to hear about your uncle, that's horrible. I hope today brings more brightness. 

 

[TrashcanCarla]

9 hours ago, Harriet said:

 

Every new challenge is a new attempt. Just trying to claw our way to a little progress.

 

What sort of things do you need to prepare? 

I'm so sorry to hear about your uncle, that's horrible. I hope today brings more brightness. 

 

Thank you, Harriet.

Today was a bit less dark, thankfully. I still need to get a handle on my self-esteem as a parent, though. I know that I could have done more to prepare my little guy for going  back to full-time care.

 

Preparation that I need to do includes guiding him more toward using the toilet. He's a bit over 3.5 years old and is still using pull up diapers and seems fearful of the toilet. Fortunately, I've visited two daycare centers that are willing to work with him at his age on potty training, but I had to cross several off of the list who are firm about kids his age needing to be completely toilet trained. At least there are those two! I need to talk to my husband and we'll figure which one to enroll him in. That's one thing off the list. 

 

Other preparation is that he doesn't really have a standard nighttime routine for going to bed, and so he kicks up a fuss and then doesn't fall asleep until it's 9:30pm or 10pm. And that means that he doesn't want to wake up at the time that we will need him to for preschool daycare. SIGH. That's something I could have been working on over the past month, but I have simply procrastinated and stuck with the chaotic status quo.

 

Anyway, I'm just a bit in the dumps over all of the procrastination that I've done, and feel like I've let my child lead me into letting him do what's basically not really in his best interest.

 

+++

 

Today I:

 

- drank my liter of water

- didn't meditate

- didn't exercise

- didn't get up early

 

I'll try again tomorrow.

[Harriet]

2 hours ago, TrashcanCarla said:

Thank you, Harriet.

Today was a bit less dark, thankfully. I still need to get a handle on my self-esteem as a parent, though. I know that I could have done more to prepare my little guy for going  back to full-time care.

 

Preparation that I need to do includes guiding him more toward using the toilet. He's a bit over 3.5 years old and is still using pull up diapers and seems fearful of the toilet. Fortunately, I've visited two daycare centers that are willing to work with him at his age on potty training, but I had to cross several off of the list who are firm about kids his age needing to be completely toilet trained. At least there are those two! I need to talk to my husband and we'll figure which one to enroll him in. That's one thing off the list. 

 

Other preparation is that he doesn't really have a standard nighttime routine for going to bed, and so he kicks up a fuss and then doesn't fall asleep until it's 9:30pm or 10pm. And that means that he doesn't want to wake up at the time that we will need him to for preschool daycare. SIGH. That's something I could have been working on over the past month, but I have simply procrastinated and stuck with the chaotic status quo.

 

Anyway, I'm just a bit in the dumps over all of the procrastination that I've done, and feel like I've let my child lead me into letting him do what's basically not really in his best interest.

 

 

Ah, I understand. Here I was thinking you could just bundle them off like a cat to the vet. I didn't think about how even small children are constantly learning skills we take for granted. I also feel sorrow about how much I have procrastinated and the time I've wasted--in my case it just feels like my entire youth, wasted on resting and avoidance. I'm trying not to indulge in more than a few moments sorrow or guilt, though, when it pops up, since that writes no plans, enacts no plans, and gets no results. It just saps what little mental strength I have. It sounds like these are issues you can get turned around, and nothing dreadful or permanent or anything you need to feel lastingly bad about. Nothing is a disaster. Everything will be fine. Good luck!

[Severine]

On 9/3/2023 at 5:17 PM, TrashcanCarla said:

I can always try again, right? That’s what I’m going to go with. I need to learn to accept my own failures as much as those around me do. I need to give myself as much grace as I do others who don’t meet their aims.

 

I think if NF had a manifesto, this would be in it.

 

On 9/5/2023 at 5:42 PM, TrashcanCarla said:

Did I mention that I'm taking a community college course right now? Introduction to Psychology. I have never taken a psych course before, so that's cool. Learning new things. I'm debating becoming a nurse so I've started taking prerequisites for applying to nursing school. We'll see how I feel what with me starting a new job at the end of the month. Part of me is really motivated to become a nurse to help people and such. Part of me is nervous about working AND taking prereqs PLUS two years of nursing school where my husband would go back to being the sole provider... THEN at least two or three years of night shifts until I got seniority enough to land a more normal schedule.

 

Perhaps you're detecting my tepid feelings about starting nursing at mid life... That's just right now, though. I was completely psyched about it a month ago.

 

It's just that since I got my job offer with a wonderful organization with growth potential, I cannot help but wonder about instead making a career with this organization I'm starting with. You know? Just starting in place and promoting through departments over the next twenty years. Maybe volunteering in hospice care to feed my desire to be helpful.

 

Thanks for reading through my rant.

 

I'm 42 and switching careers as well (not for the first time), and inspired in part by a friend of mine who's in her late 40s and working on her degree to retrain (as an NP actually). It's never too late to pivot towards something meaningful and empowering. It sounds like you have two attractive pathways in front of you, which is a great problem to have. I think the points @sarakingdom raised about nursing are worth really pondering (nursing is hard work and it's often easy to gloss over the rough parts of the job when you're flush with enthusiasm), and I also think it is sensible to evaluate the organization you're joining with an analytical eye once you're on the inside. I've worked at various nonprofits (I am assuming this based on the fact that you called it an organization instead of a company, apologies if I misunderstood) and they can be wonderful but they can also have their own special flavour of maddening dysfunction and exploitative working conditions (that employees accept because it's for a good cause or they're passionate about the work).  Look for signs of stability and rational workflows, look for good leadership and sensible policies, look for sound strategic planning and all the other things that give an organization staying power and make working there pleasant. And if you instead see dysfunction, well-meaning workers being taken advantage of, or other red flags, either try to fix things from the inside or save yourself! People can burn out so hard in nonprofit work.

 

Have confidence in yourself to make a good decision and don't be afraid to ask hard questions and be honest about what you want.

 

On 9/12/2023 at 2:27 PM, TrashcanCarla said:

Haven't been paying attention to my water intake, no exercise and no meditation. Not making progress there, either.

 

I know what you mean when you say no progress (I've been there), but I maintain that even paying attention is progress in its own way. A few weeks ago you weren't exercising or meditating, but it wasn't even a thing you were tracking, right? So it wasn't registering as an issue in a conscious way. Even on days you don't meet your goals, having a goal and caring about it is a success in its own right.

 

On 9/12/2023 at 6:49 PM, TrashcanCarla said:

I still haven't drank my litter of water. I binge ate a bunch of store bought ice cream cones. I did call and set up three daycare center visits tomorrow. I did call and check about the availability of the other spots I already visited. I haven't tidied downstairs yet. I feel like a bad mom. I really feel awful today. I know it's the anniversary of my uncle's murder, but... well that was so many years ago now. I wish I could forget, sometimes.

 

I'm so sorry about your uncle. That's so horrible  😞

 

14 hours ago, TrashcanCarla said:

Thanks, Sal. I really appreciate your kind words. I think that I know that I'm not a bad mom, but I look at how much is left to do to prepare Odin for going back to full-time daycare and think 'why on earth haven't I gotten him ready by now!? '

 

You're not a bad mom, you're a mom. Every mom is harried and overloaded at one time or another. What's important is that you love him, you're meeting his core needs, you're working to get him high-quality care, and you're obviously thinking constantly about how you can do right by him. Do your best, unjudgementally note the things you can improve on, and never let guilt or self-criticism sap the joy out of your relationship with your little dude  ❤️ 

 

14 hours ago, TrashcanCarla said:

I'm feeling a bit better today, however I'm dealing with lingering guilt over the binge eating of the ice cream. I'm of two minds about how to approach the matter - 1) quit beating myself up about it and move on or 2) beat myself up a bit about it, or else how will I not repeat the action of bingeing ice cream? Ugh. Those can't be my only two options. I'm not thinking clearly about this issue.

 

Full disclosure: I have received treatment for binge eating disorder, and I have some pretty strong opinions about this stuff! Those are definitely not your only two choices. Binges happen, despite their negative consequences, because they are meeting a biological and/or psychological need in the moment. They are maladaptive, yes, but they're still the human brain/body attempting to meet one of its needs. Only by understanding what the need is and how the brain/body mistakenly latched onto bingeing as a solution can we figure out how to heal and prevent future binges. Sometimes binges are the result of a nutrient deficiency, for example, or of depression or extreme stress. Sometimes they're the result of unprocessed emotions or a self-medicating response to pain of various kinds. Bingeing happens for a concrete reason; sometimes the reason is transient, and sometimes it's more long-lasting. Either way, the thing that is guaranteed to not help is shame/guilt. It will just never help in the long term. It might stop you from bingeing for a day or a week or even a month, but if you beat yourself up about binges and don't solve the issue that motivated them, all you're doing is pushing the pain farther down, farther from healing, and adding to it. And the next time the pain flares up, you'll have the temptation to do the thing that offered (temporary) relief last time: binge. 

 

I encourage you to be as gentle with yourself as you would with the people you love most in the world. Ask yourself what you were feeling at the time, why the ice cream appealed to you, how you felt while you were eating it. What did you need in that moment? Loving words? Reassurance? Exercise? Sleep? A hot shower? Water? A healthy meal? Help addressing the things stressing you out? Seek to understand without judging. Seek to know yourself better, so that the next time you feel that way, you can find a healthier way to give yourself what you need  ❤️ 

[shaar]

Parenting is HARD, friend.  There are a lot of reasons I'm not a parent but I can definitely see the difficulty in all it entails. I don't have much advice but please be kind with yourself, you are working hard and I hope you can give yourself some grace today. ❤️ Like Sev said, love and support for your kiddo is at the core of what you're doing and of your worries, and just being mindful of everything is a huge step - not a lot of kids have that kind of support as they learn and grow and that's hard.

 

One day at a time, you are doing great and we are all here for you no matter what!

[Salinger]

Hey TC, how are you doing this morning?

 

Sending so much love to you ❤️ 

 

We are here when you need us  x

[Sovalis]

Hi TC! Thinking of you! 

[TrashcanCarla]

Hi, everyone! Sorry I've been MIA for a few days. @Severine thank you so much for your thoughtful reply. I really did digest what you've written and want to you to know how much I appreciate the time you took to write it. Also thank you to @shaar for your words of support.

 

I have been lenient on myself this week as I figure things out for myself. What is the new routine going to be like for work? I need to get it started tonight through this week so that my son (and husband and I) are all ready when the work week begins on the 25th.

 

I am a little nervous to actually be meeting my future colleagues for the first time tomorrow evening at a symposium. Eeee! What to wear?!

 

As far as my NF goals go, I'm going to make a bigger effort next week.

 

Sorry for the jumble of thoughts. I'm writing in chaos with my kid and doggo running back and forth around me!

[TrashcanCarla]

Good day, all -

 

I have a moment to sit and type up a more complete and coherent update as to how things are going for me, so here goes...

 

- drinking of water wasn't great last week

- exercise just didn't happen last week

- meditation was a no go last week

- getting up early? ha!

 

Basically, I sort of had those things somewhere in the cobwebby section of my mind last week, rather than at the forefront. I've been preoccupied with the stuff that I need to do to get ready for my job at the local California university which starts next Monday. Honestly, though, I'm okay with this temporary lack of focus on those habits. This week is a new week, and nailing down my routine for before work will absolutely include those goals. So! Let's talk about what I need to nail down this week:

 

GET UP EARLY! 🌞 I need to get up before the sun at 4:30 am this week, starting tomorrow morning. If I can accomplish that, I can get some...

EXERCISE 💪 from 5am-5:30am! I plan to walk every other day for 30 minutes, strength workout every other day for 30 minutes.

MEDITATE 🕯️ from 5:30am-5:45am

SHOWER and get ready 🚿 from 5:45am-6:15am

 

The idea is that my son will be waking up between 6am-6:15am (or be woken up by my husband) and that I'll help little guy get ready for the day and eat breakfast with him and such. We're supposed to be out the door at a few minutes to 7am so that I can get him dropped off at daycare in time for me to get to work at 8am. So I need to habit stack the crap out of my time before work so that I can improve my life (and our lives together). So long as I pack my lunches and don't buy sugary coffees or something, I should lose weight over time which will be good for my health. Being 100 pounds overweight is seriously holding me back from being the funnest mom I can be! Amongst other important things, of course.

 

Okay! I'll update y'all when I get through tomorrow morning. Wish me luck meeting my future Radiology department colleagues tonight at the symposium!

[Ann of Owlshire]

I'm finally caught up... I started a new career (completely unplanned) at 41 after 2.5 years of Stay-at-Home momming. It was also in the midst of the pandemic and national lockdowns which made our search for childcare even more difficult. Our son had, for several months, completely ignored his old sleep routine schedule and would just go to bed any time between 5PM and 10PM. After a couple of months of work, I couldn't cope with the erratic sleep schedule anymore, and my husband heroically spent a long weekend enforcing  bedtime. He's been to bed at 7 every night for the last two years since

I'm not saying that to say "I had it harder" because I didn't. I'm saying it, because I want you to know I got through it all, and I know you can, too ❤️ 

 

You might find it easier to focus on nailing one or two of these new habits at a time than trying to DO IT ALL?

[Severine]

Thanks for the update! The great thing about a huge change like this new job is that it's a great opportunity to shift into new habits. I am kind of amazed at your plan (even when I was a farmer I didn't wake up until 5:30) and I hope you're able to make it to bed early so that you can get enough sleep!

 

Good luck meeting your new colleagues! I'm sure they'll think you're fantastic  ❤️ 

[TrashcanCarla]

11 hours ago, Ann of Owlshire said:

I'm not saying that to say "I had it harder" because I didn't. I'm saying it, because I want you to know I got through it all, and I know you can, too ❤️ 

 

You might find it easier to focus on nailing one or two of these new habits at a time than trying to DO IT ALL?

Yeah, I agree that it might be easier to try pinning down only a couple of those habits at a time, but I absolutely must get up early at a minimum. So what I'm going to do this challenge is really nail down the getting up early part (because I have to in order to get ready for work and get my kiddo ready for daycare) and go easy on myself if say I don't exercise or meditate or something every single day.

 

 

10 hours ago, Severine said:

Thanks for the update! The great thing about a huge change like this new job is that it's a great opportunity to shift into new habits. I am kind of amazed at your plan (even when I was a farmer I didn't wake up until 5:30) and I hope you're able to make it to bed early so that you can get enough sleep!

 

Good luck meeting your new colleagues! I'm sure they'll think you're fantastic  ❤️ 

I definitely need to go to bed early, so I'm going to try going to bed at 8:30pm to start and then see later on if 9:30pm works okay for me sleep-wise. We'll see how it goes! I used to get up fairly early and exercise, so I'm basically trying to retrain myself to do that again. Oh! And I met a couple of my new colleagues ahead of my start date next Monday. They are very kind. I hope they think I'm fantastic!

 

+++

 

AHHHH! So I didn't get up early this morning to do all of the things because I happened to have INSOMNIA last night. I very rarely have sleepless nights, so it was very strange to me to suddenly have one the night before my early morning reboot. Strange, indeed. 🤔

 

I'll just try again tomorrow. If my little one naps today, I can practice meditation then.

[TimovieMan]

1 hour ago, TrashcanCarla said:

Yeah, I agree that it might be easier to try pinning down only a couple of those habits at a time, but I absolutely must get up early at a minimum. So what I'm going to do this challenge is really nail down the getting up early part (because I have to in order to get ready for work and get my kiddo ready for daycare) and go easy on myself if say I don't exercise or meditate or something every single day.

Solid plan. 👍

[TrashcanCarla]

I have a ton of stuff to do this week so I made a master list of it all. I thought I'd post my aims each day like Salinger does to keep myself accountable and on track. Let's go!

 

Tidy downstairs

Sweep

Mop

Clean cat tray

Launder clothing

Make dinner

Review duty statement for job

Complete online compliance training for my position

 

This is going to sound funny, but I actually haven't fully dove in to the full duty statement for my position yet (as you can see it's on my to do list above). I took screenshots of it when I e-signed it a couple of weeks ago, but have yet to confront it. I'm honestly a bit nervous. I have a bit of imposter syndrome, or something like that, and I haven't even started my job yet! I think I'm afraid that I cannot do my job well, so I don't want to look at the things that I'll need to do for fear that I'll exacerbate my anxiety.

 

So, yeah. I plan to rip the bandage off today.

 

 

[Sovalis]

Good job ripping the bandage off! I hope none of the contents were too anxiety provoking!

[Salinger]

Hopefully it is all ok TC, you are brilliant xx

[TrashcanCarla]

From yesterday:

Tidy downstairs

Sweep

Mop

Clean cat tray

Launder clothing

Make dinner

Review duty statement for job

Complete online compliance training for my position

 

Well, I didn't get everything I wanted to get done yesterday accomplished, but at least I took care of the duty statement read-through. I admit that I am a little intimidated by the length of the document and the myriad things I've never actually done before, but it seems like stuff that I can figure out. In other words, I'm sure I'll be fine. I'll create my systems and rely on my best practices for staying organized and on top of things, and everything will be just fine. BREATHE.

 

Thank you everyone for your support!

 

Today I need to get more done and I really need to get up early tomorrow. Riiiiiiiight. I didn't address the thing yet. I almost got up early this morning, but I didn't. My alarm buzzed at 5:30am (I am trying to ease myself into things), and I seriously opened my eyes and looked at the clock and said "ok" and was just about to roll out of bed when I closed my eyes again. And then it was 7:30am. Try again! For exercise today, I'm going to take the doggo for a longer walk along with my son. If my son naps (he hasn't the past two days), I'll meditate. I can surely drink 1 liter or more of water today.

 

Here's the list of stuff for today:

Tidy downstairs

Sweep

Mop

Put away laundered clothing

Make dinner

Clean toilets

Take son for walk with dog

Contact daycare for appointment to come by with paperwork tomorrow

Take out trash

[TrashcanCarla]

I really haven't gotten much done today. It's 6:45pm here and my day is effectively over.

 

Here's the list of stuff for today:

Tidy downstairs

Sweep

Mop

Put away laundered clothing

Make dinner

Clean toilets

Take son for walk with dog

Contact daycare for appointment to come by with paperwork tomorrow

Take out trash

 

What was I doing, you might ask? Being depressed and doom-scrolling. Yes, I went for a walk. Heck, I went for two walks. But beside that I just got really sad about how little time I get to spend around my son starting next week all because my student loans need to be paid. Oh look at me. I'm being mopey and am not sharing all of the info. UGH. Too lazy to type more.

[Artemis Prime]

Hi. I've missed a lot, so not sure what's going on in these parts, but I'm sorry you're having a mopey day. I hope the walks were enjoyable, and good on you for getting some movement in. 

[TrashcanCarla]

So it's been a really busy first week at work! Sorry I haven't been around NF, or posted anything. I've been working to get my schedule figured out, and I have to say that it hasn't been easy. My son basically won't get up really early to be dropped off at daycare at say 6:45am, so my husband has been taking him in. My commute is fairly long, so I can't pick him up until 6:10pm.

 

Basically, it's go go go.

 

My new job is a little stressful as there is so much to learn. I know that happens with every job, but I've been a stay at home mom for long enough that there are some real natural pathways being created here!

 

I need to get up early (4am) in order to have me time and be able to post here on NF, but I've been rolling out of bed at 5:30 this week. So my goal is to do better next week and at least get up by 4:30. Water drinking hasn't been great. Meditation? What's that? And exercise is slightly happening, but not enough.

 

I'll do better next week.

 

For now, I'm going with my mom to Oakland to see The Walkmen tonight. Then off to a pumpkin patch mañana. Sunday I think we'll play date with my friend and her kids.

[TrashcanCarla]

Tuesday, 12:30pm.

 

I have been getting up extra early the past two days, so that's an improvement! Getting more things done, you know? Some me time. Haven't exercised yet aside from walking the dog, but I'll get there.

 

Work is still a bit stressful, but I'm learning things. I just have to keep everything steady. Keep myself calm. That's what meditation is theoretically for, haha. I had better get on it!

[Salinger]

Yea! Build up a habit of waking early, then add things to that once the waking is a habit 🧡

[Chesire]

It takes time to adjust to changes like getting up that early.  Looks like you're doing pretty darn good at it!

[TrashcanCarla]

Yeah! Thanks for the encouragement! I got up again at 4:30am, but I'm going to need to shift that down to 4am if I'm going to allot 30 minutes for exercise. I think I can still squeeze in meditation for like 10 minutes if I put on my makeup and do my hair just a bit quicker (I'm slow without my coffee, haha).

 

My husband is encouraging me to get a family plan of Headspace so we can both get to meditating again. I could really use it, honestly. I don't get anxiety about going in to work but I do deal with a bit of mild anxiety at work. Maybe not even anxiety, actually. Just stress.

 

I should be going in from 7:30am to 4:30 pm soon, so I may need to reconfigure my morning schedule yet again, sigh.