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[Renate] does energy work


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Hello all,

 

How have you all been?

 

I've been on a rapid healing journey, finally getting out of my head & survival mode and starting to invest back into the people around me.

 

Friends that stayed after others left and friends I am making new with the energy I am slowly gaining now that I accept people who cannot get enough of it to remain anywhere near me unless absolutely necessary.

 

I'm gaining skills and knowledge I didn't have before and regaining such that I had lost during, well... I call it brain damage after repeated re-traumatisation. The politically correct terms I use out in the wild are "burn-out because of my master's thesis and covid".

 

My professional education started this week.

I am re-building the relationship with my family on my own terms.

I'm slowly getting routines in my new city of residence and at my office.

 

I'm making the most out of what feels like a generally speaking new energetic era.

 

I have a few weight loss, exercise and life goals.

 

I want to lose 5 kilograms but I'm going to track that with photos.

I want to pick up something for strength or endurance and a mental balancing/flexibility activity and stick to them weekly for at least 6 months. I find it likely that will be weightlifting and yoga in practice.

I want to become a good conversationalist again and let go of the social anxieties I regained during covid. That includes picking up my hobbies so I find myself interesting again (lol), (re)learning about conversational techniques, (re)learning ethics of the social circles I'm in and applying them, among other things.

 

I'm going to play it all by ear for now, as my grandmother passed away last night and I'm going to make a trip to the other side of the continent to go to her funeral and support my family...

 

But as always, having a thread to write my thoughts that can theoretically be read by others (even if it doesn't) always helps me with accountability. (I know I haven't been around a lot and I don't know if I can reciprocate yet, and life is hectic and busy for most of us.)

 

So... The games begin! Allons-y!

 

Yours,

Renate

 

P.S. - I'll elaborate on the thread title sometime, I promise!

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Level ☆ human [uncategorizable]
STR 2 | DEX 3 | CON 3 | STA 3 | WIS 6 | CHA 6

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On 9/10/2023 at 4:39 PM, Renate said:

I'm going to play it all by ear for now, as my grandmother passed away last night and I'm going to make a trip to the other side of the continent to go to her funeral and support my family...

 

Well. 

That was a rollercoaster.

 

I felt weird Saturday night and I was sleepless last night.

 

Pushed myself to do a Routine this morning. 

 

My life has been one big school for learning how to channel my adhd symptoms and autism symptoms as I need them 😆

 

My need for structure and consistency helps manage my need for variety and dreaming and starting new projects, in theory.

 

In practice during stressful periods I procrastinate, reach for easy dopamine, get messy, and stress structured side out to no end, making the rest worse.

 

Anyway.

 

Time to tidy up, make dinner, and then fill in my Personal Development Plan

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Level ☆ human [uncategorizable]
STR 2 | DEX 3 | CON 3 | STA 3 | WIS 6 | CHA 6

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How did your week go?

Active challenges: Show up and don't go AWOL | Walk to Mordor - (spreadsheet) | DailyDare | Weight Loss PVP 10/12 lbs in 10/12 weeks - (spreadsheet)

2023-24 threads: Challenge VIII | IX | X | XI | XII | XIII | XIV | XV | XVI | XVII

2018-19 & 2021 threads: Battle log | Challenge I | IIIIIIV | V | VI | VII

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18 hours ago, TimovieMan said:

How did your week go?

 

Thank you!

 

It's been interesting. Finally a pretty calm week external obligations speaking. Kind of now getting into the flow of what is expected of me work-wise and what I want to do. Processing the passing of my grandmother. Applying the soft skills I've been (re-)mastering both on the professional and personal level.

 

Starting to cocoon but not quite.

 

Starting to do my beauty routines which is very grounding.

 

I felt a calm wash over me yesterday though that was different today. 

 

But I'm trying to remind myself I cannot undo 10+ years of constant instability at home with 1,5 years of instability and worrying about my safety and income. 

 

I've had therapy and I have my own income and I've made huge progress but it is what it is. And I'm living alone & commuting 2,5-3 hours each work day. I can be proud of myself.

 

More concretely I successfully submitted my second assignment for my prof training

 

I'm starting to remember number sequences and names again.  It's  been days and I still remember the name of the neighbour on the other side and his kid even though I didn't write them down. Big win.

 

Food-wise I snacked a lot less than other weeks, I got myself fruit and I'm eating it, I'm cooking. Remembering to drink water right when I wake up and before bed.

 

Good times.

 

❤️

 

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Level ☆ human [uncategorizable]
STR 2 | DEX 3 | CON 3 | STA 3 | WIS 6 | CHA 6

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Wellll,

 

On Thursday I did somewhat of a fruit and veggie fast, which I am happy about.

 

I decided recently I'd start taking metylfenidate again because of the start of my professional training (3 years)

 

Right now it's starting to become less and less needed as my anxiety symptoms are waning more and more. I feel so blessed I have the luxury of being able to turn my life around 180 so that I can build one during which I can apply my boundaries as necessary. This leaves more dopamine to be spent on other things that also bring me joy and energy ❤️ 

 

Although it is becoming less needed, the metylfenidate is still a quintessential tool in my toolbox, to get the boost I need to get settled into new routines. And that is okay. I spent years being very stringent about not using any drugs, not even coffee, "as a crutch", but instead I used escapism and toxic relationships as a crutch to deal with my reality. So I wasn't not-using any crutches. Crutches are okay when you've got a broken leg, as long as you've got a recovery plan (if recovery is possible, and I know it is). Of course you can have a perfectly satisfactory and beautiful life in a wheel chair as well but if we're talking about emotional and spiritual crutches and wheel chairs, I prefer trying to form and follow recovery plans.

 

Anyway, the reason why I mentioned it at all is because I forgot to take it a few days and I noticed it during my days. 

 

It's not killing but still. I have no reason to be stingy about using the pills. I have Mondays off since I started my training so I can go to the GP/pharmacy then without taking additional time off now.

 

The fasting was alright, though I had a glass of wine in the evening with my dinner, spontaneously. And that hit a bit strongly after not having eaten during the day, I'd forgotten I hadn't 😛

 

Wine festival today, we'll see how that goes.

 

Not getting to actual exercise, not even yoga yet.

 

Though there's always my  biking and walking to and from the train stations!

Level ☆ human [uncategorizable]
STR 2 | DEX 3 | CON 3 | STA 3 | WIS 6 | CHA 6

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On 9/30/2023 at 10:46 AM, Renate said:

Wine festival today, we'll see how that goes.

 

It went alright but mentally I was quite a bit meh. I told the friend I went to that that is what I saw him as friends and he found it difficult to hear.

I guess I shouldn't call him a friend since I'd noticed some pushiness in the past few times we met up, too.

 

I'm still leaking a lot of energy, attracting people who want to leech of it.

Level ☆ human [uncategorizable]
STR 2 | DEX 3 | CON 3 | STA 3 | WIS 6 | CHA 6

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Okay I'm having a bit of self-defeating thoughts.

 

About how when I was a kid I was so busy dealing with my mother's survival matters that I never learnt how to be an independent adult.

 

According to her, I should have just lived at her place until I had a partner to live with.

 

And then I'd learn, by necessity.

 

Which would  have been a valid - albeit traditional - point if she did not at the same time teach this sense of hyperindependence. A drive to be such but never taught me the tools I would need. And never did teach me how to be a housewife, either.

 

but this all does not matter one bit.

 

That is in the past.

 

It's no use spending all of this negative energy.

 

I suppose it does not help that I'm having my mother and sister visit next weekend.

 

Talk about a reason to have trauma and burnout triggers re-emerge. I'm very much avoiding their calls.

 

I see.

 

It's time for some more training of radical acceptance.

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STR 2 | DEX 3 | CON 3 | STA 3 | WIS 6 | CHA 6

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"To radically accept means to completely recognize and accept the reality you're in—even when that reality includes pain or discomfort. Regularly practicing radical acceptance can help us cope with painful emotions so we can move on or even come up with a plan to make an uncomfortable situation better."

A Forbes article.

 

Yes my family is difficult and my mother gave me little to no tools to deal with life, puts no effort into doing so for me, and continues the same trend.

Yes I've had a tumoultous childhood.

Yes I've restarted my healing process for the second time in my life. 

Yes this week I've been having intrusive thoughts again.

 

I also have an amazing resilience.

And sweet friends.

And there's been someone that I've been dating that has been incredibly valuable in my healing.

I'm making my home cozy.

 

I'm getting help.

 

I'm going to have an amazing life.

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Level ☆ human [uncategorizable]
STR 2 | DEX 3 | CON 3 | STA 3 | WIS 6 | CHA 6

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I keep marvelling at your level of self awareness and radical but active acceptance. You do have amazing resilience. Shine on.

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Legally bound to hug people in need.

 

Living life as a Druid is about walking with the beasts. It's about being scared, looking your fears in the eyes and going on anyway. Dread doesn't go away, you just learn to know it. It's still a beast, it still has fangs, but you walk among it.

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