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DarK_RaideR's Masterplan: Chapter 1, Episode 2


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This is barely a challenge. More of a battle log, perhaps, but without the consistency. I'm just putting this up to have a challenge, a place I'll post updates when they happen, a place to share things and something to keep me coming back for more than just reading other people's threads, just so I don't join the group of people who respawn saying they fell off the wagon, backtracked in progress and now seek to recover. I'm here and this is the Masterplan, Chapter 1, Episode 2.

 

Giving you the short version, as I'm literally typing this on my phone at 3:30am of the Monday that kicks off the challenge. As mentioned at the end of my last challenge, I had a couple of talks with my dad. He said he sees me indecisive about whatever it is I'm gonna do, so he suggested taking a break, bringing the cats to the summer house in my hometown, live separate from the parents who'll be at the townhouse, practice self care, gym, diet, lose weight, build self confidence, clear my mind, see a therapist. Which is all fine and dandy, until you realise that 1. I'd be doing that on their money, both living expenses and covering my insurance and other monthly bills, 2. this is basically a poorly disguised psy op to make me realise that the optimal choice is to return to my hometown and set up my own practice.

 

I was kind enough to say that's an interesting line of thinking and I'll consider it, therapy especially. So I came back and reconnected with my therapist, since we have a past. After some catch up, he hit the nail on the head as we were discussing choices, control and responsibility. Gave me lots to think about, but of course when I told my dad I want to stay here and continue sessions, he freaked out because in his mind, we'd shook hands on his entire plan.

 

Long story short, I'm hosting both parents at my place for week 1 of this challenge. They're looking to talk this through and clear the air, so far they've started their propaganda all weekend, clouds before the storm. I'll have to stick to my guns. It will most likely get ugly.

 

Only real goal this challenge is stick to the plan, survive, stay sane.

 

Oh, and Duolingo maybe.

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10 hours ago, DarK_RaideR said:

Only real goal this challenge is stick to the plan, survive, stay sane.

 

Those are still lofty goals, and I'm here cheering you on.

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11 hours ago, DarK_RaideR said:

Only real goal this challenge is stick to the plan, survive, stay sane.

 

Sounds like a good goal to me; here to support man.

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Great news that you are on to something with your already seasoned therapist.  May that give you strength over the impending week.  

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Ohhhh parental propaganda is REAL and I hope this week can go smoothly for you.  Stick to yer guns, champion!! /nat

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Thank you all for your kind words and support. Welcome, well met, all that jazz. Too spent to answer to each of you individually AHAHAHAH I'm not even tracking days here, is this even a D_R challenge?

 

Dropping in here real quick for a short update, because there's more on the way soon and I'm bound to lose track. Fam's been here since Saturday and the propaganda has been going on strong. I still believe my dad hasn't clued in my mom because there's NO WAY she'd be acting as cool as she does, so at this point it's not even targeted but sheer force of habit: they have their opinions and they're not afraid to toot them hard and anyone who says otherwise doesn't know what's going on #OKboomer

 

My therapist had given me homework, specifically to come up with a complete, realistic and executable plan from now till May, because my biggest issue has been I was vague about the employment bit of it all and it caused the entire structure to collapse: I was uncertain in communicating my plan and of course anyone hearing it (and cared enough to honestly react) wasn't exactly sold, especially when it's up against the obvious, reasonable and easy alternative of going back to my hometown. Anyway, he'd told me to have it by Monday and contact him to book our next session within the week. Felt like I had to have it by Saturday because the dad talks were inevitable and that pressure caused me to change it a gajillion times. Either way, I had an idea by Monday and contacted him saying to book it as soon as possible, because I got the fam around and they're bound to get me up against the wall about it. He was kind enough to book me for Tuesday evening (1 hour after I'm typing this and it doubles as a recap before I tell my therapist what went down) but of course, my mom went off to see a friend of hers on Monday evening and my dad saw his chance to shoot his shot.

 

Things were off to a rough start, with the usual conflict of how things are great in my hometown and I seem stuck or thinking wild thoughts without any specific alternative to suggest. It was hard to work with, but I did see rays of light in what he said. Without getting into too much detail, I got my cue when he broke down the options with raw reason -like he usually does- to basically deduce that doing his thing is the optimal, if not only, way about this. "So do I even have a choice in this, or has it already been made for me? Because the whole point here is me making a choice about how to proceed with work and my life in general".

 

I proceeded to say that I do have a therapy session on Tuesday and getting back to it has been really helpful, so I'd rather we paused and continued this discussion on Wednesday, ideally with me instigating it. However, I did point out that indeed, like he said, I do not like my hometown and the idea of going back to it, which is why I haven't been sold on his entire idea of a self care break there (btw he thinks I should look into what my issue with my hometown is, but that's just him being him and believing it's best. Not long ago he basically believed I needed meds because I couldn't see that heaven on earth, so grain o' salt there). At the same time, work where I live seems to be at a dead end, yet it's where my therapist is based, although we could consider other options if he's willing to do online sessions or something. However, before we discuss short term plans, I said, we've kinda struck on the crux of the issue already: I'm expected to make decisions and put together and execute a plan and stand on my own two feet, yet at the same time he's basically making all of that for me or at least stripping down everything else with his logic that his "suggestion" is presented as the optimal, most reasonable -if not the only- one. "Can't expect me to learn how to walk," I said, "when you're still holding my feet and moving them around. Can't expect me to swim when you won't let me go."

 

That seemed to strike a nerve and he said he's finally listening to something that makes sense. Pressing on that, I told him I may not be giving him right now the plan and decisions he's expecting, but we are still making progress as I'm setting boundaries and claiming my own space to exist and plan in. That is a necessary prerequisite to get to the next part. And just to wrap things up on a positive note, I emphasized that not only did we make progress, we're actually on the same side and figuring this out.

 

I've been doing a bit of thinking since, in the little time I've had. I even left the house a few hours earlier than I should for tonight's appointment, just to write this recap and think a few things ahead of the meeting with my therapist. The mind's been calmer and I realized I don't have to make a huge life changing decision now and also in a black-or-white way in which there will be no return. Likewise, I do need to cut myself off their safety net because it's always been there as a something to fall back on and lacking some real pressure on myself I can get somewhat complacent, yet the way do this doesn't have to be completely cutting them off my life.

 

I have come up with a plan and I'm off to talk about it with my therapist after I've made this post, get his feedback before I have another round of talks with my dad. Let's see how this goes, pretty sure I'll have a lot to talk about in my next post.

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51 minutes ago, DarK_RaideR said:

Likewise, I do need to cut myself off their safety net because it's always been there as a something to fall back on and lacking some real pressure on myself I can get somewhat complacent,

 

Bolded for emphasis because I think this is a thing that most people with a semi-healthy family relationship don't even really think about or consider, it's just sort of... built in to how they live their lives, if that makes sense.  Younger Shaar had issues with always having to have a "safety net" around for a long while, whether it be a partner or a parent - always in the back of my mind that I needed a backup plan or place to fall in case I fucked up, something there to catch me if I fall.  It absolutely breeds complacency.  

 

I think too it can be hard to distinguish between a safety net situation vs someone you can rely on as an equal - when my mom passed away and I had literally no family left my safety net was gone.  But I am also married and have a partner alongside me as my equal and we can rely on each other as a two way street.

 

And you're right, it doesn't have to be cutting them off at all.  I think just being mindful of that issue in and of itself is a huge step.

 

Anyways that's the little bit I have to contribute I guess, hopefully your session goes well and Talk #2 will go in your favor!  Life is short and you should live to your own heart, even if it means making a decision that isn't 100% fleshed out or kinda scary.  Always better than complacency IMO.

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On 10/25/2023 at 12:17 AM, Tanktimus the Encourager said:

So proud of you for setting those boundaries. That was awesome. 

Thanks. Funny you should mention boundaries, had two healthy talks (morning and evening) with my dad about a few things, boundaries being one of them. I can say they both went quite well and we're making progress as far as the really important issues are concerned.

 

On 10/24/2023 at 6:23 PM, shaar said:

Bolded for emphasis because I think this is a thing that most people with a semi-healthy family relationship don't even really think about or consider, it's just sort of... built in to how they live their lives, if that makes sense.  Younger Shaar had issues with always having to have a "safety net" around for a long while, whether it be a partner or a parent - always in the back of my mind that I needed a backup plan or place to fall in case I fucked up, something there to catch me if I fall.  It absolutely breeds complacency.  

Still working though this one. Currently having a chat between me typing this and the question was raised whether they've affected my relationship to work, wanting me to be financially independent but always downplaying any option as opposed to the support they could be providing. Much stems from boomer mindsets, a lot of it comes from a good place of them wanting to see me do well and if they can fund it, they'd rather not see me struggle with jobs and salaries they might consider "inferior" to my capacity. I think they're also seeing the grass greener on the side of what they see as the best life path for me. Either way, the issue is not why they're doing it but what they're doing and how I respond to that, because it's really got me confused and unconfident. It all really comes back to me claiming my narrative (and responsibility thereof) through my own choices. I haven't stood up against what they shot down as inferior (to an extend because it was easier to play ball and rely on them, at the expense of other things) nor have I defended one such "inferior" path as being that, but also being my own choice that I'll stand by.

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3 hours ago, DarK_RaideR said:

Either way, the issue is not why they're doing it but what they're doing and how I respond to that, because it's really got me confused and unconfident. It all really comes back to me claiming my narrative

This is a hard place to be.  Your descriptions remind me of some of similar struggles I had with my mom.  The hard part was trying to decipher what I really wanted and thought from the ideas had been 'planted' by nagging and manipulations.   #StayStrong

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I am not saying I am Wonder Woman. I am just saying no one has ever seen me and Wonder Woman together in the same room.

 

Original Spawn Challenges 2014 - 2020: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 789, 10, 11, 12 , 131415, 1617181920, 21, 2223242526272829303132, 33, 3435, 36??

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Starting weight = 290.4 (2014); Current weight = 241.2; Total pounds lost: 49.2

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We are at this stage where we've started to be a bit uncomfortable and on edge around each other inside the small apartment. Me not having a TV is really killing them, we've already been around town and tried most restaurants for lunch or dinner, so with nothing interesting as far as museums or theaters are concerned, they're starting to run out of things to do. They tried to switch their tickets to earlier flights but the added cost was more than the original ticket, so they're still flying out Sunday evening.

 

Friday was uneventful, besides them randomly deciding to overreact about my new "unprofessional" haircut. At this point, I see such things as sudden tests for me to apply this shiny new thing called setting boundaries. I refused to argue, get mad or overreact over hair, refused to play along to the "using irony to defuse the situation" trick my dad tried to pull and when he asked me to explain my reasoning, I told him it's easier to apply medicinal shampoo to my scalp given my condition but more importantly, it's my hair and I can do whatever the hell I like with it, without having to explain it to him at my 37 years of age. This seemed to stop them at the time and later in the day my mom initiated a discussion to apologise for overreacting and "explain" (read: justify") her reaction based on shock. Whatever. I just went out with former coworkers, as I had originally arranged, and came back home around 2:30am.

 

I'd arranged a game session of Mage The Awakening from 14:00 to 19:00 tonight and it got called off due to too many people not being available after all, but since the rest already had a gap in our schedule, I suggested meeting to catch up anyway. We had a good time and I also brought my laptop along to enjoy some alone time after we go our separate ways, as is the case now that I'm typing this update before going to meet the fam for dinner. Before leaving, my mom tried to strike a conversation (because she's the type who feels awkward if she spends more than a few seconds in silence around people) and slowly led from what professional experience I've picked up from these last couple of jobs into what I plan to do from now on. For a moment I wondered if she had been clued and was trying to back me against a corner, but I could see my dad being frustrated in the background and decided she's still clueless. Tried to deflect her questions with general BS instead of dropping the bomb about my actual plan, but at some point it got too far when she asked me if I've made up my mind about freelance work or being employed by someone (I said the latter and of course they didn't like it). Anyway, I'd made the start already when I decided to voice my personal reality, even if it was unpleasant for them and the whole discussion was kinda pointless anyway, as opposed to acting any other way, so I decided to keep going with this new approach of mine: I told her that I understand her worry about me and I've let her voice it, even though I wanted to stop her much earlier. However, I drew a line in the sand and refused to discuss such matters any further at this point. I also drew the example of the haircut incident the day prior and how I have to keep setting my boundaries, even if sometimes it's not pleasant for them or it comes across as rude (because I also said -prepping her for what's coming down the line- that "because I want to" is a very valid reason for anything I do, without having to explain things to them or gain their approval). Apparently she saw that as a good move on my part and we ended things on a high note, which at least is hopeful.

 

Realized I've spent the last several weeks travelling or being all over the place, which has taken a serious toll on my job search. I've also spent way too much brain- and willpower handling my parents, overlooking their boomer crap, trying to find new walks and restaurants they'll inevitably not like as much. There's lots of things in the next few months that keep changing around, messing up my entire schedule having to juggle everything. I'm a little spent from introspection and therapy work. I am so ready for this week to be over.

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Hugs friend. Setting boundaries is hard work, I can't imagine how tired you must be. I'm in your corner and think you are awesome, and get so excited every time you find a new way to set a boundary.

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And a little extra energy for those boundaries - I’m exhausted just reading about the parent drama. 

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Dropping those people at the airport was instant relief. Back to our normal schedule then.

 

Monday was pretty chill. I made some calls and apparently the contract stuff is pretty finalized already. Met the Mage group in the evening and we finally got to play again. Had a great time and with two of the folks having lost a parent since we last played, we all needed the fun catch up.

 

Tuesday I got a call from the notary to discuss the next steps, she said she's hopeful the contract will be signed by mid November. Had my therapist session in the evening, was all happy to talk about having set boundaries but he got a cue from the haircut talk to jiu jitsu me into some rough questions that got me from proud to thinking. Wouldn't exactly call it a breakthrough, but it made some pieces fit and gave me a lot to think about till our next meeting, much of which is still a bit vague. Speaking of our next meet, he's cool with doing online sessions, which helps my plans as I expect to be moving around until the end of the year. What's not as exciting is the fact that an all-out clash with the family is inevitable, regardless of my decisions. It's not pleasant, but it's necessary and I'd rather go through this than compromise and live someone else's life.

 

Today's been weird. Morning coffee kicked me in the gut and I had a slow morning. Between that and meeting my friend for an hour in the evening (the one who's buying the house I'll be assisting in the contracts with) as well as his delightful 7 month daughter, I had some weird feelings for the day, as in feeling a bit guilty about it having been somewhat wasteful and unproductive, considering the things I was originally meaning to do. Given the talk with my therapist the day before, I decided to cut myself some slack. It's one thing to rationalize being kind to one's self and a completely different thing to actually be like that. Oh well, these mechanisms weren't put there overnight and they're not going away overnight either. Baby steps.

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13 hours ago, DarK_RaideR said:

Oh well, these mechanisms weren't put there overnight and they're not going away overnight either.

Good job recognizing that!

 

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Growth happens when you care more about the well being of your future self than the comfort of your present self!

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Still around, still fighting the good fight. Last therapy session's stuff is still being processed, since it wasn't as clear and simple as the first two times. Prepping to move back to the hometown, with the cats and all on a quasi-permanent basis. That is because 1) the family probably believe/hope this is a first step to a return, whereas I'm just cutting down on costs and emptying the flat to be rented, 2) I will be coming back to Athens mid- to late November for some leftover legal stuff and perhaps the painting of the house, then most likely a month long holiday off for Christmas (tickets pending still).

 

Haven't posted some music in a good while, went to a late night screening of Rocky Horror Picture Show last night so here's my favourite song from that movie

 

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Good luck with the move mate. When are you expecting to be heading to your hometown?

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Don't say "I don't have enough time", say instead "that's not a priority right now" and see how that makes you feel.

Current Challenge: Jarric embraces brevity

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I feel for you on the family stressors and the having to go back to the hometown situation, hope that the next path is shown soon. :) 

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I hope the move goes as smooth as possible for you. I know the feeling of going back home, honestly when I lived in Wilmington moving back to my hometown was the last thing I wanted to do, but it was one of the smartest choices on my list for me at the time, so I did it. And now I'm so glad I did, because it opened so many doors for me I never thought even existed, and I'm (mostly) living my best ass life.  I hope moving back can offer you some good doors for opening, too.

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Oh wow, feels like forever and yesterday at the same time since I last updated here. Thank you all for your wishes, SO MUCH has happened I better get to it.

 

First of all, I'm lucky enough to have the luxury of my family owning a summer house some 20' drive out of town, which they provided for my stay while they're at the town house. This is (besides gratitude) in order to point out that I may be moving back to my hometown, but at least I'm not also moving back into the same house with my parents. The big thing however is that I didn't just come here because I was told it's the right/smart thing to do, nor am I following the plan someone else laid out for me. I'm here of my own volition, for my own reasons and my own way, having set my boundaries. Just to give you an idea, I sent the motorcycle via ferry on Sunday night for my dad to pick up, then loaded the car and took the cats for a sail myself on Monday morning; both parents were at the summer house in the morning to help me unload the car, but I haven't seen (or spoken to) my mom since (it's Thursday evening as I type this) and besides my dad briefly visiting here yesterday to fence the balcony for the cats to use, I saw him just today when I decided to drive downtown and have lunch with him. It's nice they're not breathing down my neck but it's even nicer that it's not done out of their own courtesy but out of me drawing a line in the sand.

 

The cats have settled in nicely, I've seen some friends and just before this update, I had another session with my therapist. Things are progressing nicely and on top of it, there seems to be some activity in the professional horizon. A lot of it is probably just noise, people telling my parents they wanna reach out to me for something, which the family then probably inflates to be a big issue in hopes of showing me there's work to be had and money to be made if I stay here. Some of these things are legit though, including me getting a down payment in advance for a contract signing meant for late November. With a good chunk of money on the side, I immediately invested it in international flight tickets and as such, I'll be spending all of December (and the first week of January) with @deftona and I couldn't be any happier about this. That's 5 full weeks, including my birthday on the 24th, hers on the 27th plus Christmas with her family...

 

kip-napolean-dynamite.gif

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1 hour ago, DarK_RaideR said:

With a good chunk of money on the side, I immediately invested it in international flight tickets and as such, I'll be spending all of December (and the first week of January) with @deftona and I couldn't be any happier about this. That's 5 full weeks, including my birthday on the 24th, hers on the 27th plus Christmas with her family...

 

kip-napolean-dynamite.gif

So happy for you, and good job setting boundaries again. 

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