[Renate]

Hello, dear nerds,

 

This challenge thread will contain quite a lot of talk on mental health, as if it is all common knowledge, but I assure you... I am aware it might all sound a little far-fetched sometimes. I just need to get some thoughts out of the way, ❤️ 

 

As Glam Ma says, darling, you may not be everyone's cup of tea. But you're someone's champagne ✨

 

Who is this thread for?

 

Mostly, me and my own accountability. I shall try to motivate and pep talk and participate on NF in the more general and individual threads... But I really, really need a place I can just speak into the void, while still feeling responsible to not throw pity parties, and to show progress.

 

It's also a little for the nerds I'd built a connection with in the past, to let you know how I'm doing, to maybe offer some insight into where I'm at right now and if we can pick off where we left things. I miss you ❤️ And cannot wait to catch up.

 

What kind of nerd am I?

 

Ah, as you shall read later on in the thread, currently I am the nerd who screams off the top of her lungs:

 

 

I have hyper focused on psychology, philosophy (stoicism, to an unhealthy level), and overthinking, for a long time...

 

So in the past few months I've been focused on Unlearning, and remembering what I liked before I started losing connection to myself, a lot...

 

• Cartoons in different languages (yes, I lost that connection quite young)
• I loved the barbie children books/comics
• Acting
• Mediating between kids and adults (although I was sort of put in that position/role, I did genuinely find it interesting to learn how to connect people)
• Nature/biology
• Practical (and fun) science/physics, and the stars and planets (astronomy)
• Languages
• Dance (modern jazz, ballroom, ballet, folk dance, hip hop/r'n'b)
• Music (I had a knack for remembering (rap) lyrics, and recognising samples from different songs in others)
• Poetry: reading and reciting, a little older: writing
• Drawing and colouring (portrets of people, animals, living things)
• Graffiti/typography/calligraphy
• A little older:
  • Real estate and corporate law, corporate governence
  • (international) corporate responsibility 
  • Education/public policy
  • Cultural integration/ (intersectional) discrimination (but mostly writing my own observations down, not reading literature)
  • Ethics, rules (giggity?),  being a good hostess, cooking, plating
  • How the brain works
  • Relational and sexual psychology in particular

 

What kind of nerd would I like to be?

 

All of the above, lol

 

I would love to get very good at at least one board or card game. My friends were all from families that did board games together from a young age, and/or had friends to do it with because they didn't move around like I did. Maybe I'll start going to expat board gaming nights in the future.

 

Chess has been on my list of things to learn forever.

 

Being able to talk about my fave history and geography topics without needing to check the Internet all the time...

 

My memory quality has improved and declined with the level of stress and depression I experienced through out life. I used to be a kid who remembered things that people had forgotten they had told me. 6 months ago I couldn't retain 1 name for longer than 10 minutes even if I repeated it  This has been improving massively yay!

 

Where have I been?

 

There's a lot of sad incoming, so please, have a raining taco first!

 

 

Spoiler

So where have I been? Trying to lick my wounds after many disappointments in myself, my family, in supposed friends, colleagues, (ex-)partners...

 

I quite one job because there was no perspective for growth there. Dead end.

 

I lost one job due to poor housing planning and a very toxic and aggressive man. After I left my aggressive mother. A social worker had to convince me that the man was toxic, though. That it wasn't me that was the bad one, who provoked him, that he could have chosen to walk away and break up with me rather than hurting me. That no, not every relationship is secretly like that behind closed doors.

 

Then, after that revelation and a big move, I ended up last at a job place that was toxic. With an aggressive employer. And almost stopped caring again. So I negotiated a cease of contract with him.

 

And. Now. I am trying to figure out where I belong. If I belong anywhere at all. In what role, with what purpose. And I realised I have lost my sense of identity. Honestly, for a very long time, but I was never aware of it, because I always had personalities around me willing to poke me in some direction, and fill in what they want to see in me.

 

While most healthily adjust people didn't know what to do with me, because a healthy person does not feel a need to put their stamp on someone in the way I was used to. (Fortunately, there are also those who used to have unhealthy coping mechanisms in the past, but have learnt better ways...)

 

The truth is, I probably have c-PTSD. This animal comes in different variations, and in my case, it is a damned drama queen. And a lazy princess.

 

"Drama queen". I hear you thinking. At least, anyone who is invested in achieving success. The go-getter types. "Stop sobbing and get yourself together, you're wasting your life and my time!"

 

I thank you kindly for not voicing these thoughts 😛 

 

"Lazy?!" I hear another voice. The go-getters with more patience.

 

"You are not lazy. There is no such thing as lazy. We procrastinate for a reason, and every human being wants to be, make or do something of value."

 

Thank you. That is kind. However, I have finally found an explanation and definition of my laziness, that is not self-defeating! And it's related to one's natural or conditioned response to adversity.

 

We all have our place in evolution, I won't bore you with the details... But my primary response is freeze. And get eaten. I personally believe it is my solution to never being good enough. Shut down. So you can make your caregiver, or the one with all the authority, feel like they are the only one with all the knowledge, may feel needed, and superior.

 

I had a short-lived revolution, 2 years before the pandemic, with the help of a long-term fwb, meditation, squash and tennis, but I still needed lots of holding by the hand, coaching, reassurance... And that all ceased during the pandemic.

So, again I stopped giving a damn. And became the most ungrateful little shit I had ever been.
 

 

In an attempt to escape this state, I became an opportunist as well.

 

Honestly, I just wished everyone would stop caring about me. 

 

But for some reason, everyone did not give up on me.

 

 

Where am I now?

 

Spoiler

Single. Jobless. Burnt out. Still ever the drama queen.

 

But also... Knowingly incompetent.

 

Although my mother was emotionally neglectful, and verbally and sometimes physically abusive... I was her only child, meant to be the Chosen Puppet who would live the life in success she never had. In her own way, and I am saying this only so I can post this banger of a song...

 

 

Compared to a few years ago, I'm...

 

Much less of an ungrateful little shit.

Armed with more knowledge.

Practice in focusing on the positive people around me.

Actually being one of those positive people, as well.

 

Focusing much less on the negative ones who drain my energy.

Feeling less obligated to give the negative ones attention, to prove myself to them, because I do not see them as a threat anymore, 

Much more resilient. Which does not say a lot, given my past, but true nonetheless.

Far more result-oriented, now... Not just in words, but also in practice.

 

A lot more like my old self, when I was care-free. Creative, caring, positive. I can laugh again. I dance randomly again.

 

Laziness, it turns out, is curable. The internet calls it biohacking.

 

So here I am, now. With still a long way to go... But with a yellow-bricked road shining in front of me.

 

Plan of Action

 

OOoooohhhh boyyy. I'm psyched to apply all the insights I've collected in the past years, and after some thinking, I came up with the following Action Plan...

 

if I may have some (more) of your time... I welcome all thoughts on how to make it more S.M.A.R.T.

 

Inspired by Dave Asprey's concept of biohacking....

 

This Plan.... has a physical, mental, and spiritual component.

 

A. Mental

 

Do the therapy.

 

Learn to focus on doing your own thing, rather than what others (might) expect of you.

 

Know what this thing is, at all times.

 

Only look up to acknowledge the positive forces around you, support them if needed, and then put your nose back to the grind stone.

Do not risk falling back into the clutches of energy vampires ever again. Too much has already been lost.

 

 

B. Physical

This is all just what I think will work for me. 

 

Disclaimer: I'm not starting out these habits cold turkey! I've been working on them off and on for a few months now. I hope I can fine tune them into my routine now. Preferably in routines that work around a 9 to 5 office job schedule.

 

Shower cold when the temperature in my environment (inside or out) is below 18 degrees Celsius. Shower warm to hot above this temperature.

 

Drink a glass of water every hour on the dot, with fresh lemon juice if on hand.

 

IF on Tuesdays and Thursdays, and around the full moon phase, unless on period.

 

Take meds, and food supplements. My meals are a little monotonous for a number of reasons right now, I only focus on getting enough iron via spinach, broccoli, and citrus fruits....

Currently, the meds and food supplements I take are:  mefen, vitamine D despite the Sun being out, sometimes fish oil. B-complex, general multivitamines. I checked if they are al compatible. I plan on starting to take L-theanine and some other supplements that are said to boost energy and focus. I welcome any placebo effects, as long as I am not doing any harm to my body or the environment.

 

Be aware of posture at all times. Let the chi flow. It looks better, too. Be aware of your face at all times. Soften it up. Mens sana in corpore sano.

 

Yoga with Adrienne on every Mon, Wed, Fri, and Sun.

 

Tabata/HIIT on every Tues, Thurs, and Sat.

Yes, twice when I'm fasting! It makes me feel very alert, in a good way!  

 

Groom. Do your hair. Do your skin care, do your make-up, do your nails. And do it all with love. 

 

C. Spiritual

 

I know there are Christian Nerds here!! Hello! I have recently started reading a chapter out of the Bible every day. I used to, in the past, read the Bible out of academic interests, and read theological commentary... But it feels different now. I'm also learning how to pray. I do not know what I am doing... At all. But I'm taking it one step at a time.

 

Keep on donating... And reaching out.

 

Understand first, be understood second (Covey's fifth principle of highly effective people...)

 

Be yourself. The little girl who kept noticing ways to be of value to the people around her, but now as an adult, without being a people pleaser.

 

At the end of this challenge, I want to see these results...

 

One or more weeks of my challenge tracking sheet that's fully filled in!

 

Drop my waist - or whatever I'm measuring, lol - from 74-75 cm to 74-73.

Do keep in mind I am just 5'2" or 160cm. Dressy shirts just look so much better and I want to show any abs and other muscles when I undoubtedly form them!! Vamossss 💪

 

Feel like I'm doing what I say I will do, when I say I will do it, more often than not...

 

Speaking of which... Time to get to work!

 

How will I make sure I achieve my goals? Seek accountability, inspiration and motivation here on the forums. Be around positive, motivated people. Journal every day. 

 

❤️

 

Last but not least... Being happier and more myself involves lots of random words and phrases in not-the-language I'm speaking, or writing in...

 

So, please don't be surprised, that I'm signing off with...

 

Vamos, vamos, andale andale!  Or, um, I mean...

 

[Renate]

 

 

I've been spending my mornings on my spiritual practice for the past months, after being angry for a lot of the time. And about since 2-3 weeks I have been focusing on the Christian wisdom part of it solely. 

 

A friend of my mother's shared the  new church in Bulgaria she has been following for quite some years, now, after she had some life events happen that really messed with her sense of meaning in the world.

 

Of course, I've had quite a few of those early on, so I was already looking at quite a young age. And the first time things clicked and started going well, was also when I came in touch with the Bible in a way that made sense to me. And here it is happening again. The only matter is to not stray back off the path again, which should be fine.

 

No more will I give my energy to people who do not give back to the people around them for the right reasons. Not that that means a lot or as much as it did back when I wasn't burnt out and awkward... But I'm getting back to that point, slowly but surely... So, watch out, world ❤️

 

I'm following the Light, I cannot in any other Way, no matter how hard I have tried, for the sake of my dear mother and family...

 

And right now that means I need to get off my butt and exercise.

 

But I'm trying to find the right moment to journal, as well. There was this awesome lady who is a great writer and avid lego builder who always did her Miracle Morning journalling, in the mornings, and reflected on the day before in them...

 

So let's try that on for size... Stand on the shoulders of giants, and all that.

 

Cinema Therapy

As no one has the time to teach a 30 year old woman how to human in a healthy way, the way her parent did not, and I don't have the means to afford a life coach right now. I've been coming across and pushing myself to finish, shows who show different family dynamics, not just in an entertaining way but with actual lessons

 

and some reality TV and really focusing on body language and who people click with, and how they figure out they click with them.

 

Yesterday I finished the show Mind your Manners, and the lady is both my role model and how I used to be between 2017-2019 in an infant hostess stage...

Minus the freely mentioning sexy jokes, as I was still recovering from a long series of slut shaming.... 🙈

My fwb was half-Chinese, you see, and I'd always been fascinated by Asian culture. 

 

The lessons and insights some of her students got were also like... Life changing. The last episode. "You don't really fit in anywhere. So as a big fuck you, you just decided to be as different as possible." That was me between age 17 and 19. Then at 19 I started working out and eating healthy and I found back my Western-Eastern European balance again. It got lost a few times down the line, but the self-knowledge is there.

 

I'm hyped and want to rewatch it again, any way!

 

I'm also at season 7 of (the U.S.) Shameless, which is one big gold mine of making sense of my life. My mom can be all high and mighty she wants, but her actions, the drama we have experienced, they are not the type the rich and high educated experience. She put us through shit very similar to the stuff portrayed in the show, except I didn't have the street wisdom you get as a kid in the ghetto. Just the flair of a daddy's princess and the idealism and naivety of a neurodivergent girl 😏 Lol

 

Cannot wait to stop feeling the need to express these things because nobody gives a fuck, but ever since the pandemic... they just flow out. I felt like I'm in a simulation and nothing matters anyway 🤔

 

Learning How To Stick to the Relevant, the Now / Cultivating a Filter Again

I got out of that state of mind the first time around by holding days of Vows of Silence, where I endeavoured to not speak, write, or even think thoughts that weren't in the now, *DIRECTLY* relevant for the now...

 

I tried to do it the other day but it didn't work out the way I hoped. Perhaps it was too close to the therapy sessions that uncanned some worms very deliberately by people trained in, well, uncanning. 

 

Let's see if we can, for the rest of today! 💪

[Mad Hatter]

Oh wow so much going on here! I'm glad you got out of the toxic relationships and workplaces. And that you're back!

[Jean]

As per usual, it seems that you have things pretty well figured out, though walking the walk isn't made any easier by that. Keep being joyful and go for it!

 

On 8/2/2024 at 10:21 PM, Renate said:

Chess has been on my list of things to learn forever.

It's a bit spammy in regards to on website notifications (or I haven't found the proper setting yet) but chess.com is pretty well done for both learning and playing chess online.

As a start, I suggest learning openings and doing puzzles, the rest should come by playing.

[Elastigirl]

Welcome back! Sorry, I saw you posted a bit ago  and thought I said hello then, but apparently not.

 

Weather forecast of raining tacos would be a good day!

[Renate]

On 8/5/2024 at 6:27 PM, Mad Hatter said:

Oh wow so much going on here! I'm glad you got out of the toxic relationships and workplaces. And that you're back!

Hi Hatter!!

 

Yeah sorry it's not a very reader-friendly challenge 😅 I did my best!

 

Thank youuu 💪

[Renate]

12 hours ago, Jean said:

As per usual, it seems that you have things pretty well figured out, though walking the walk isn't made any easier by that. Keep being joyful and go for it!

 

It's a bit spammy in regards to on website notifications (or I haven't found the proper setting yet) but chess.com is pretty well done for both learning and playing chess online.

As a start, I suggest learning openings and doing puzzles, the rest should come by playing.

 

Thank you dear Jean and also for the recommendation? A while ago I had a lot of fun going through the AI chess lessons of Dr. Wolf, but I got a little rigid with the attacks and defences and was completely thrown off my game when someone did something unexpected 😂 

 

 

10 hours ago, Elastigirl said:

Welcome back! Sorry, I saw you posted a bit ago  and thought I said hello then, but apparently not.

 

Weather forecast of raining tacos would be a good day!

 

No worries, lovely, I do that all the time and I haven't been active exactly x Super happy to have you! And really looking forward to the new memorisation quest

[Renate]

Well, I'm not doing so well with updating my thread. I feel like I could do all the morning stuff a lot quicker than I am doing them right now, but analysing the situation, that's probably because I invested way too much time in partying and socialising before I had my home base ready. It's a mess and totally not set up to work efficiently for the accommodations my brain needs. We live and we learn, though! Knowingly incompetent is more frustrating, but result-wise, a more effective way to be than unknowingly incompetent.

 

Today didn't go so swell, one of my worse days on average, so now it's time to focus on the now, and the doing of my own things... (➕A.)

And no, I'm not just saying that because I lost the long message I'd typed venting here, as well, that was clearly just a sign from the Universe...  

 

I'm currently standing with a curcuma-yellow clay mask on my ass, so the grooming bit is going well (➕B.) Break-outs are about as worse as they were as when I was a teen, and I care again, nowadays... 

 

Spoiler

It makes me happy, though, because it's signalling to my head that I care about myself. Which is good. I'm letting go of achieving the results that others achieve, I'm sure I'll get there, knowing how some celebs look pre-make-up 😎 And apparently that's important... I didn't really notice this bullshit when I was just focusing on my studies, though. Maybe people thought I am a tom boy, trans or a butch, and now they are judging me like I'm a woman? Kinda mind-boggling. I so don't get this, but then again I disassociate like a war veteran, so it is what it is.

 

In consultation with my psycho-somatic therapist, I'm also getting myself checked for a hormonal disbalance soon. I have a history of PCOS in my family, even though my period is fairly right on the dot.  (➕B.) So I'm not too worried but it would be helpful if I do have it, because it would give a name to my bullshit. Now I cannot fool myself that it's not because of my sob story that my emotional regulation (and hormones) are off like some women describe menopause or very PMS-related depression hahaha (why am I laughing)

 

My nails need to be groomed today (➖B.) but I also need to get my place semi-orderly for a visit from a friend tomorrow. Moreover I have a fuckton of administration to catch up on, and to apply an idea I have for my CV. We shall see what takes precedence in my head, it's like Russian Roulette atm! Which will hopefully change with continued tea, exercise, meditation and nutrition.

 

Oh, another win for (➕B.) I broke the sleeplessness cycle the other day!! Woooo

 

I've been more in tune with my family, and sister and I keep sending each other love which I shall count a win for (➕C.)  Honour your elders, or something similar. They have good sides too, and me leaving and giving us both the space to process our pasts, led to what I hoped in 2021. She was too scared to open up to others and depended on me for her everything, easy right... She gave birth to me so I owed her my time, energy, sanity...  I did my best, honestly, but our values are very dissimilar.

 

Now she is left with the ones that she matches well with, and invests time in them, and gets energy from them, and feels motivated to be her best self with, rather than spending loads of time in people she can keep a safe distance from, because she feels better them and only acts like their "Mother Theresa"..., like my grandfather does. But they still suck. Towards me. Because they don't get what I have done for them by spending a year away from my loved ones, my dear baby sister, who I cared for since a wee one. Not really. But that's ok.

 

Spoiler

I'm finding ways to communicate with the parents in a way that's not submissive, nor overly aggressive, although of course that's partially because I don't depend on them right now. I hope it stays that way. (I still haven't changed my emergency contact details out of fear they will swoop up and form me if I am ever in some accident that leaves me physically dependent somehow. I honestly rather die.)

 

I hope that now that my sister and mother are finally taken care of, I can get past surviving and thrive for myself, finally, soon... But good things take time ❤️

 

I've been slacking a little with the Big Thing (reading my holy bible app chapters and reflecting/praying/praising/being devoted and grateful) related to (➖ C.) , so-called because of my job interview. beginning of heavy therapy, and related struggle with sleep, and the confrontation of my weak, sensitive little self with the fact that I, "The Excellent Promising Daughter" cannot get a job and stay there, and have to ask for social security funds now, which I'm also doing very chaotically and almost failing at....

 

But still not dropping it entirely, and sometimes I find myself thinking of verses on the go, in difficult situations (➕ C.) (likely not the literal text, because I am still working on recovering my memory). Life is Good ❤️ And as long as I stay kind, not nice, I'm not passively turning the other cheek.. I dust myself off and leave when I'm not in Right Company. ✨💪 (Get it? Like Right Thought, Right Livelihood, etc...)

 

Cinema therapy wise... (➕B.) I watched a video analysis on Anastasia by Cinema Therapy, a youtube channel that was the actual inspiration for this goal ... And I'm analysing the show Psych who shows how a character with superb observational skills, who has to pretend to be psychic to be believed, looks at a room. I retried a lot of my child-like awareness and analytical abilities watching the show Burnt Notice as a teen, while recovering from Big Depression no. 1... (And learnt how to be Alert, not Anxious or Self-Conscious)... Psych is a lot more light-hearted, and available on Netflix so win-win!!  

[Mad Hatter]

On 8/10/2024 at 9:44 AM, Renate said:

Yeah sorry it's not a very reader-friendly challenge 😅 I did my best!

Haha no worries, as long as it works for you it's all good! Sometimes we need the challenges for brain dumps more than anything else anyway.

[Waanie]

Welcome back! Like you said, this challenge is here for you, not for us, so feel free to use it however works for you .

[Renate]

Spoiler

 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4XMBQzD7G2A
This link won't embed: it's hypnotherapy, title: "Heal Trauma INSTANTLY | Power of Subconscious Mind"

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

An assortment of videos I've found useful in the past days! Sorry, two of them are in Dutch!

 

I really love the way in which Morgan Foley spreads awareness about autism ❤️

And I really relate to what she says: "If I really was mean and unapproachable, I would have no problem with people thinking that I am, but I am not!"

However, I don't relate to  not understanding facial expressions: I don't really have autism, too much, I think. Just a lot of symptoms, (generational) trauma in general, disassociation, emotional dysregulation. I get facial expressions, I get cues in hints, but because of  my life, I just expect people to get angry and my brain jumbles. Or I've met and talked to and empathised with so many different people, from so many different cultures and social standings, that I have too big of a reference or framework to pick from when I'm anxious and so stuck in my head that I do not follow my intuition.

 

Sigh it is what it is. We carry on! 

 

I had a big eureka/cathartic response during therapy yesterday, i.e. Monday 12th of August, coincedentally exactly relating to communication trauma. I took my meds again today, and I had an appointment this afternoon with the GP (not my GP but one who isn't on vacation) about my blood pressure, because mefen can mess with it, and to talk about the research into a hormonal disbalance.

 

I managed to secure a research into it, even though the GP gave a lot of (gentle) push-back, saying it doesn't say anything, because hormonal levels vary constantly

 

I told him I understand his stance but that I hope he can understand mine that it will give me reassurance if I also have this data point, and thanked for his insight because if the result is "undesirable" I will remember his words that I shouldn't give too much weight to this type of research. He also asked me if the nurse has a studies he can quote for him to read. I'll do him a favour and ask for it as I love knowledge exchange!

 

Anyway I've been trying  to write a good, structured update all day so I'm going to press "Submit reply" and try again tomorrow morning, haha

[Elastigirl]

The first video, Jimmy on relationships, I have watched several of his videos and found them helpful.

[Jean]

3 hours ago, Renate said:

I'm going to press "Submit reply"

This is the way, keep at it.

[Mad Hatter]

21 hours ago, Renate said:

He also asked me if the nurse has a studies he can quote for him to read.

It's absolutely wild to me that a GP would ask this of a patient.

[Renate]

Blahh how is it that it´s already a week since my last update!

Therapy was really tough,  but, I do feel like I am having growing pains rather than just struggling pains.

(Maybe I just was over-exerted from journalling for therapy so I wanted to do other things than just write about what's going on?)

 

I really feel like I'm not just learning new hacks but also learning old ways I dealt with my brain as a kid! I didn't always struggle to focus, I used to be a straight A student before I decided to "rebel against the system" when I fell in love with a man whose mom was a cocaine addict and got him when she was a teenager... Totally different worlds... But why do I always want to save the world by depressing myself about my lucky privilege? 

 

It's time to turn that around, no more guilt, but no arrogance, either

I should have just let my mother talk into the wind, nodded and waved when she was airing her megalomania; she merely needed a listener and yet I engaged with her. Well how was I supposed to know she was having daily nervous breakdowns for which I should not be taking any responsibility? Now I know

 

Result-oriented thinking requires for you to keep your eye on what you wish to achieve depending on what is possible without spending too much time on the negativity around you

 

I know that now

 

Talk less of what your genuine thoughts are, when on enemy grounds, unless the situation calls for it, do more of what you love

 

I know that now.

 

During the session with the psycho-somatic nurse this morning I suddenly was "trusted upon" with this vision of myself where I am not bothered by anyone's energy because I'm so certain about what my own energy is, again, not in an arrogant way. With my guards up, but observing

 

Also, this is my new favourite speaker

 

Spoiler

 

 

I'm a bit scared for the resuming of my PTSD therapy next week because it's supposed to be syncing up the child with in me and helping her mature into the adult I should be

 

But I can do this.

 

Eating well isn't too easy; I'm erratic with it because I have no mental space to think about it, but I do eat all at random

 

I am stretching more, slowly caring for myself again

 

My abdominal muscles all work well, I checked doing some pilates like exercises.

 

All is well. OR will be. ❤️ 

[Scaly Freak]

On 8/20/2024 at 1:49 PM, Renate said:

I'm a bit scared for the resuming of my PTSD therapy next week because it's supposed to be syncing up the child with in me and helping her mature into the adult I should be

 

I think anyone who approaches their therapy appointments from a genuine mental place of, "this is so easy and comfortable and fun", is someone who either never needed therapy in the first place, or has had all the success they needed from it.  

 

On 8/20/2024 at 1:49 PM, Renate said:

But I can do this.

 

Yes, you can. You are an amazing person, and you deserve all the good things in life.

[Renate]

What a useless day. I was on the train until late in the evening yesterday, because I had an appointment with the municipality lady at 11 today and I didn't want to leave my fam too early, but aforementioned municipality lady didn't show up. So I could have spend more time with my family and seen my sis off to school this mornig. But I'm happy with the time to myself.

 

Instead I saw some other lady from the municipality and she did not know what to do with me at all, just listened, but I had less odd looks on me than usual. This is good. 

Either I'm having less and less ticks which make people around me feel uncomfortable and on edge,

or less and less paranoic anxious thoughts that oeople think that I'm looking or acting weird,

or both. In any case, good signs!!

 

I do not resent anyone, especially not the municipality lady not showing up, and I would have been fine just going home and not being "soothed" by auto-pilot by seeing some random person I had no appointment with! But I suppose it's common policy so people do not feel ignored by the gvt. I think it's good. Just not something I need as a former semi-public employee myself with full understanding how things go sometimes. Anyway

 

I went to my appointment with the GP's psychologist, which was an appointment that was there just in case I still hadn't started with therapy that takes on my types of cases all the time and can offer me PTSD treatment. But we caught up. And I could have some closure to my talks with her, as I continue with my mental health team. And I can call her whenever I need, and see someone in person, if I need that at all. I miss hugs and cuddles sometimes, but in person therapy isn't what I need right now. It's good that it's there, if I need it, and I'm grateful for that.

 

I didn't stock up on snacks, and was irrationally worried about that, thinking I had therapy at 2 PM but it seems I didn't.

 

Then a call with a friend got postponed. And I was done. I made a plan for the rest of the day when I called said friend. It did not get done. I just philosophised with some people in some Discord or another, killing time, hoping I would somehow gain the spoons to do what I wanted to do by meaningless banter instead of just laying for a nap as I had succesfully done before. Or chatting meaningfully with people close to me. I guess I'm still afraid of being myself. Of moving on. What if it's all a sham, yet again.

 

Spoiler

This was an interesting video to start. I love kallmekriss' shorts, but I Recently discovered she does these huge videos on cults, serial killers. It's great
 

 

 

Anyway, when I finally gave up on trying to make my more practical tasks work, I fianlly turned to my more self-development ones, and I hadn't done my daily verse at all with reflections so I did. Then I visited @Elastigirl's Bible Memory Treasure Quest thread

 

and @MezzothePatient had shared an amazing video on the book of Proverbs!!  (Sorry for the tag in my chaos of a challenge thread, Mezzo, but have to give credit where credit is due, it's been drilled into me by my old very smart but also very pedantic Academic Writing professor...)

 

 

Spoiler

 

 

The personification of Proverbs as a wise woman was super helpful! I always loved the simplicity and depth of sayings that come from the Bible. I plan to devote more time to those along side my Holy Bibe app studies.

 

While listening to the video I was also doing other things and auto-play brought me this video that is also by the Bible Project's YT channel on Christian wisdom for seeking pace, which was also very educational!

 

Spoiler

 

 

And also super duper relevant for me right now. I shall use my thread to comment my personal thougths and experiences in a bit of a wilde (with an e) way, as I allow myself to be center of the Universe here, haha

Spoiler

I absolutely adored the interpretation/explenation of the "offer your other cheek" rule in Christianity. It's so wildly different than what people make it out to be and so much in line what I've often tried to do but was often too insecure to do well!!

And the bit about extreme generosity as a tool to seek non-violent conflict yet effective resolution is something I  finally managed to explain to my mother  only last week after years of trying to find the right words, and regardless of her motivation she changed radically what she would usually posting on facebook after my sis is treated poorly by silly kids!!

I explained to her it was harsh and unnecessarily so to scold my baby sis for crying when a mean woman told her like a mean girl in high school  "you're not allowed to come inside and join the other girls!!"

I told mom. She better knows how she made my sister feel. And if she does not care. It will show the other people in the neighbourhood that are normal, what kind of person she is.

and if not either are applicable and in any case, if anyone acts without empathy towards my sister for crying in the face of obvious poor treatment: she will know who to avoid in the future, and who to share her awesomeness with!!

 

The more I find out about the teachings of the Bible, the more I realise how much they resonate with me if and when they are not used for power hungry B.I.T.E. model type or adjacent bullshit! ❤️ I hope that maybe one day I can find a Church where the presence of this is minimal, because a community of like-minded people where I can settle would be a dream after all of my travels

 

[Renate]

On 8/22/2024 at 11:04 PM, Scaly Freak said:

 

I think anyone who approaches their therapy appointments from a genuine mental place of, "this is so easy and comfortable and fun", is someone who either never needed therapy in the first place, or has had all the success they needed from it.  

 

Haha thanks 😅 Sometimes the way you see celebrities talk with their therapists in movies

or Lucifer talking with Linda

 

 

On 8/22/2024 at 11:04 PM, Scaly Freak said:

 

Yes, you can. You are an amazing person, and you deserve all the good things in life.

 

Thank you dearest Scaly 🥺