The Best Joke in the World

[Mike Pants]

I've told this joke dozens of times, and it always wins. I therefore nominate it for the Best Joke in the World:

I went to the doctor the other day to get a physical. He told me I needed to stop masturbating. I asked him why, and he said, "Because I'm trying to give you a physical."

Rebuttal?

[Guest Snake McClain]

I've told this joke dozens of times, and it always wins. I therefore nominate it for the Best Joke in the World:

I went to the doctor the other day to get a physical. He told me I needed to stop masturbating. I asked him why, and he said, "Because I'm trying to give you a physical."

Rebuttal?

GREAT JOKE! My turn.

What do Blondes and tornadoes have in common? .....at first there's a lot of sucking and blowing. Then you lose your house.

Seriously though your joke is amazing. i'm stealing it to tell everyone.

[Rosie]

Did you know that Lionel Ritchie is opening a butchers shop? Its going to be called *singing* Halal, is it meat you're looking for?

[KillerGriller]

A pirate walks into a bad, and he's got a huge ship's wheel attached to the crotch of his pants,

The bartender, looks him up and down then asks "So...what's with the steering wheel?"

to which pirate replies "Yar, she's drivin' me nuts!"

[Guest Snake McClain]

What did the snail say when riding the turtle?

WEEEEEeeeeeeeee

[Rosie]

What did the ocean say to the shore? Nothing, it only waved.

Why did the ocean blush? Because the sea weed.

[Kewilson]

I've told this joke dozens of times, and it always wins. I therefore nominate it for the Best Joke in the World:

I went to the doctor the other day to get a physical. He told me I needed to stop masturbating. I asked him why, and he said, "Because I'm trying to give you a physical."

Rebuttal?

"Then stop applying pressure to my prostrate, doc".

*punchline drum*

[bigm141414]

What do you something brown and sticky? A stick

What do you call a boomerang that doesn't come back? A stick

Stick jokes get me everytime

Rosie, your ocean ones are now added to my rotating joke list! So great...

[LRB]

A man walked into a bar. [pause] It hurt.

[Mike Pants]

He sat and pondered why the Frisbee looked like it was getting bigger and bigger. Then it hit him.

[Rosie]

Today I quit my job in the helium factory. I refuse to be spoken to in that tone.

[Ryan Sannar]

"I see," said the blind man as he peed into the wind. "It's all coming back to me now."

[joeyb]

"I see," said the blind man as he peed into the wind. "It's all coming back to me now."

"I see," said the blind man to his deaf wife, as he picked up his hammer and saw.

[joeyb]

The storm was over. Noah let all of the animals go and said, "Go forth and procreate". A while later, he went around to see how the animals were doing. All of them had offspring except some of the snakes. He said to them, "Why don't you have any babies yet? Is there something that I can do to help?" The snakes replied, "Could you cut down some trees for us?" Without asking any further questions, Noah cut down the trees and let the snakes be. Eventually, he went back to check on them. Sure enough, they had boatloads of babies. "That's fantastic," he said, "but why did I need to cut down the trees for you?" to which they replied, "We are adders; we need logs to multiply."

[joeyb]

A pirate walks into a bad, and he's got a huge ship's wheel attached to the crotch of his pants,

The bartender, looks him up and down then asks "So...what's with the steering wheel?"

to which pirate replies "Yar, she's drivin' me nuts!"

Your other one was better.

[AustralMoonBear]

An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar. The first one orders a drink, the second one says "I'll have half what he's having." So do all the others.

The barman shakes his head, says "Silly mathematicians." and pours two beers.

Why did the chicken cross the mobius strip? To get to the same side.

[Conk]

There are two whales in the ocean.

The first whale says, "WHHOOOOOWAAAAOOOHHHWWWAAAHHHOOOOOWWWAAAHOOWWAAWAWOOOOOOWWHHAAAAHHAAWAAHHOOAAAAAOOOWHHOOOOOWAAAAOOOHHHWWWAAAHHHOOOOOWWWAAAHOOWWAAWAWOOOOOOWWHHAAAAHHAAWAAHHOOAAAAAOOOWHHOOOOOWAAAAOOOHHHWWWAAAHHHOOOOOWWWAAAHOOWWAAWAWOOOOOOWWHHAAAAHHAAWAAHHOOAAAAAOOO" *best whale impersonation you can, but for an annoyingly long time*

Then the second whale says, ".... What?"

[Benjsec]

What do you something brown and sticky? A stick

What do you call a boomerang that doesn't come back? A stick

.

What's pink and fluffy? A stick in disguise

[leadchipmunk]

Not going to list all 103 jokes from this website, though I could from memory and then some.

http://homepage.eircom.net/~cronews/elep/elep.html

Can't beat a good elephant joke.

Ok, here are a couple for you.

Q: How do you get an elephant into a VW?

A: Open the car door, put the elephant inside, close the door.

Q: How do you put an elephant into a fridge?

A: Open the VW door, take the elephant out, close the VW door, open the fridge, put the elephant inside, close the fridge.

Q: How do you put 2 elephants into a fridge?

A: Open the fridge, put the second elephant inside, close the fridge.

Q: How do you get 4 elephants into a Volkswagen?

A: 2 in the front and 2 in the back

Q: How do you know if there are 3 elephants in your fridge?

A: Can't get the fridge door closed.

Q: How do you know if there are 4 elephants in your fridge?

A: There's a VW parked outside it.

Q: How do you get 8 elephants in a fridge?

A: Put four in a VW, four in another VW, put the two VW's in the fridge, A fridge large enough to hold two elephants can surely hold two VW's!

[Vickyloo]

"I see," said the blind man as he peed into the wind. "It's all coming back to me now."

lol! I'm so tempted to wake my boyfriend up just to make him listen to this joke!

What have an orange and a pillar box got in common? They are both red, except the orange. So ridiculous but gets me in giggles every time.

[161803398874989]

What's round and eats bananas?

A wheel, I lied about the bananas.

[Rosie]

One of my favourite ones to tell my nieces:

What do you call a sheep with no legs?

A cloud.

What do you call a cow with not legs?

Ground beef

What do you call a deer with no eyes?

No idea

What do you call a deer with no eyes and no legs?

Still no idea.

There's one that goes on from that but it's far ruder?

[ryanmercer]

Haha

[joeyb]

Anti-joke chicken rocks.

http://www.buzzfeed.com/fjelstud/best-of-the-anti-joke-chicken-meme

Some of these could offend, so if you are easily offended, don't click the link.

[animalcrackaz]

This one always gets a good laugh - especially if you can naturally fit it into a conversation as if you're contributing:

"Did you ever see Helen Keller's house?"

"No."

"Neither did she."

Probably one of the less offensive Helen Keller jokes I know, unfortunately(or fortunately, perhaps).