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Yesterday I had out-of-the-blue contact from two separate guys I haven’t heard from in months. One is someone I went on a few dates with back in the autumn before politely turning down because I wasn’t interested, the other is someone who tried very hard last year to get me to go out with him, and whom I turned down (not so politely due to his complete inability to take no for an answer) because (a) he’s married, and (B) I wasn’t interested. This uncanny ability of them both choosing the same day to pop back in my life made me realise two things:

1. I haven’t been on a date since before Christmas (largely self-imposed since I pretty much crawled into a hole around new years from which I have only recently emerged)

2. It is a VERY long time since I last met anyone that I got even remotely interested in. Like, years.

My last relationship ended a bit over a year and a half ago. Since then, I have met plenty of guys, and I have dated, but not one of them has made me feel any kind of interest. And it’s not that I’m stuck on my ex either; that break-up was my decision and we remain friendly although I have no particular desire to see him more than very occasionally. I just seem to have lost the ability to spark for someone.

And the thing is, looking around me I see the same thing. Speaking to my single guy friends, they tell me they’re single because they haven’t met anyone who was interested in them. My single girl friends tell me they are single because they haven’t met anyone they were interested in. There seems to be some kind of mismatch between what men and women expect a relationship to be, and I know some say women in their 30s have far too high standards but I don’t really think it’s about that. I don’t have a list that I’m ticking off in the sense that he’s got to be this or have that, but I DO know what proper connection with a man feels like and I am not prepared to settle for anything less. Meanwhile (and I mean no disrespect to any men reading this; it’s just my experience and that of many of my female friends), a lot of men seem to interpret any conversation lasting longer than 5 minutes as ‘connecting’.

I don’t really know if I have either a point or a question here, but my girlfriends are either away on holiday or busy with life stuff right now, and I needed to vent... I guess the point is that I really don’t want to be alone for the rest of my life, but I’m starting to think that it’s a real possibility. And it makes me kinda sad.

Always kick higher

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And the thing is, looking around me I see the same thing. Speaking to my single guy friends, they tell me they’re single because they haven’t met anyone who was interested in them. My single girl friends tell me they are single because they haven’t met anyone they were interested in. There seems to be some kind of mismatch between what men and women expect a relationship to be, and I know some say women in their 30s have far too high standards but I don’t really think it’s about that. I don’t have a list that I’m ticking off in the sense that he’s got to be this or have that, but I DO know what proper connection with a man feels like and I am not prepared to settle for anything less.

I will agree that I am in the same boat as your other friends. I'm actually in the intersect between your male and female friends. The people I have been interested in haven't been interested in me, and the ones that have been interested in me, I haven't reciprocated. I'm not really picky about who I'll date (I don't have a specific type per se), but there's gotta be that "spark" or "connection" there for me.

Meanwhile (and I mean no disrespect to any men reading this; it’s just my experience and that of many of my female friends), a lot of men seem to interpret any conversation lasting longer than 5 minutes as ‘connecting’.

As a male, I may have an opinion on this (Don't be scared, some guys actually do have opinions). It isn't that us guys see those conversations as "connecting," it is that we see if we can't keep a conversation going with a woman for at least 5 minutes (or whatever other barrier the guy has), there is no chance of a connection happening. So, when we get past that barrier, we will try to go further and further in hopes of making that connection.

I guess the point is that I really don’t want to be alone for the rest of my life, but I’m starting to think that it’s a real possibility. And it makes me kinda sad.

I'm right there with you. I'm still in my early twenties and I keep going back and forth between this feeling and the thought of "maybe somewhere there is somebody for me." But then that thought gets me thinking of the past and I go straight back to "I will be alone for the rest of my life" and "maybe I'm better off that way."

Level 1 Woodwose

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I keep telling myself that next month I'll venture back into the dating scene... and then another month, then another month...

I can't decide if it is worth the hassle. I know that makes me sound jaded, but I have my own routine, and my life, and I always wonder if there is room for anyone else in it. More importantly do I want to make room for anyone else. Will the understand me, and all the crazy that I try so hard to hide...

I know not helpful at all, just my musings.

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So I am single by choice. If I wanted a guy I could have one BUT.... as soon as you step up a level with a guy they seem to cease caring that you were a friend before a girlfriend and IN MY EXPERIENCE act like the whole "nerd girl" thing was just an act to get a man. Confusing to me because WHO ON EARTH would perma-cosplay nerd girl just to get a boy when cosplaying yourself as a girlie-girl would get you farther. That said, I am super forward and frighteningly extroverted so gather new acquaintances often. If they get my references we hang out more often and they become friends. I tell all boys I am single, celibate and I like it that way and if they cant handle it then buh-bye. Makes my life epicly fun :)

*** please place your autograph on the line _____ ; so I can sell it on EBAY when you are famous ***

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I don’t really know if I have either a point or a question here, but my girlfriends are either away on holiday or busy with life stuff right now, and I needed to vent... I guess the point is that I really don’t want to be alone for the rest of my life, but I’m starting to think that it’s a real possibility. And it makes me kinda sad.

As someone who sort of took myself off the dating scene for six years, I know how this feels. I went on a couple of dates after a relationship ended but nothing sparked, and a quasi-fear of ending up alone got me to try online dating. Still no sparkage with anyone. Whenever I went on a date it always felt like things had to move quickly--you had to decided right away that you connected with someone and then move things along to the next step. It probably didn't help that I actually hate dating, but unfortunately, I couldn't see any other way of meeting someone.

It wasn't until someone who was interested in me spent some time cultivating a friendship first before outright expressing his interest (okay, he hinted at it several times but I'm horrifically oblivious) that I finally got that spark--and believe me, I hit the jackpot when he came along.

What also helped alleviate the whole "I'm going to end up alone!" blues was having several friends and family members who found great partners later in life (like, 40s and 50s). YMMV on this, though--I was okay with either putting off children indefinitely/permanently or having them solo if I wanted them.


Human Ranger

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As a male, I may have an opinion on this (Don't be scared, some guys actually do have opinions). It isn't that us guys see those conversations as "connecting," it is that we see if we can't keep a conversation going with a woman for at least 5 minutes (or whatever other barrier the guy has), there is no chance of a connection happening. So, when we get past that barrier, we will try to go further and further in hopes of making that connection.

I am all for guys with opinions. :)

I do get what you mean here and I admit that I am overgeneralising - but it has also happened on more than one occasion that I have had a man chasing after me going "but we really had something going! I thought you really liked me!" when as far as I'm concerned all we've ever 'had' were some fairly standard conversations of the type I tend to have with people when I get to know them. I guess it doesn't help that the last time I was being 'friendly' in this way was with the guy who wouldn't take no for an answer and who then proceeded to borderline stalking for 6 months (hence the crawling into a hole at the beginning of this year).

Always kick higher

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I can't decide if it is worth the hassle. I know that makes me sound jaded, but I have my own routine, and my life, and I always wonder if there is room for anyone else in it. More importantly do I want to make room for anyone else.

I was married until five and a half years ago, and for a long while after that ended I was super protective of my own space. I used to think exactly this - "I don't know if I could ever live with anyone again". I do feel differently now; not that I am lonely on my own or desperate to share my space with anyone, but with the right person I wouldn't have a problem compromising again. So I guess that's some progress!

If they get my references we hang out more often and they become friends.

This is definitely part of the problem - I do NOT meet enough nerdy types who get my references. Far too many people become incredibly boring when they grow up!

It wasn't until someone who was interested in me spent some time cultivating a friendship first before outright expressing his interest (okay, he hinted at it several times but I'm horrifically oblivious) that I finally got that spark--and believe me, I hit the jackpot when he came along.

This gives me hope. :) And I am just the same; I hate dating and just can't get interested in someone if there's the, however subtle, understanding that we are getting to know each other purely as partner-potential. The relationships I have had have all started as very naturally occurring friendships, and I do need that time of no pressure. Which it's why it's so frustrating that I can't seem to try and establish a friendship with someone without them interpreting it as something more!

Always kick higher

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I am totally opposite. The longest I have been single since I was 13 years old is 3.5 months. That was FOREVER imo. I "dated" a bit while I was single for those 3.5 months - basically a series if really bad first dates that never went anywhere. I ****HATE**** dating. I met my current bf in a MMORPG. It's a long-distance relationship, which is SO HARD but I would rather be in a really difficult long distance relationship than not be in one at all.

Here's my history:

First bf, 13 yrs old: 7 months

Second bf, 13/14: 3 months

Third bf, 14: 7 months

Fourth bf 15-25: 10.5 years

Fifth bf, 26: 1.3 years

Sixth, current and hopefully future husband, 27/28: 1.2 years (so far)

I want to get married and make babies..

Speaking of making babies... sex can be really good exercise! Cardio and, depending on positions, strength training! :D

  :strawberry:Hobbit Ranger, Dragon Slayer, Crazy Cat Lady, Beekeeper :strawberry:


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This thread gives me a little hope. I've dated several times, but always end up feeling nothing for them, and end the relationship there. Most guys I have dated want to rush things, and don't know how to take it slow. :uncomfortableness:

Ninja Scout


LEVEL 1 Stats: STR 2 | DEX 3 | STA 4 | CON 1 | WIS 2 | CHA 3

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I keep telling myself that next month I'll venture back into the dating scene... and then another month, then another month...

I can't decide if it is worth the hassle. I know that makes me sound jaded, but I have my own routine, and my life, and I always wonder if there is room for anyone else in it. More importantly do I want to make room for anyone else. Will the understand me, and all the crazy that I try so hard to hide...

I know not helpful at all, just my musings.

That is EXACTLY like me! Guess I've been burned one too many times to justify the effort and emotional investment.

We'll just have to wait for someone equally as crazy :)

Level 3 Timelord Ranger

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STR: 10 | DEX: 7 | STA: 11.5 | CON: 6.5 | WIS: 5.75 | CHA: 2.25

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"The thing is, Adam, time travel is like visiting Paris. You can't just read the guide book. You've got to throw yourself in, eat the food, use the wrong verbs, get charged double and end up kissing complete strangers - or is that just me? Stop asking questions. Go and do it!"

"Don't ever judge me by your standards."

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That is EXACTLY like me! Guess I've been burned one too many times to justify the effort and emotional investment.

We'll just have to wait for someone equally as crazy :)

Hehe... If i wait, I'll be waiting forever, it is almost time to break down and take matters into my own hands... Or so I say now... I can't see it happening any time soon. I just suck at talking to guys.

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Hehe... If i wait, I'll be waiting forever, it is almost time to break down and take matters into my own hands... Or so I say now... I can't see it happening any time soon. I just suck at talking to guys.

Same lol. I figure if you're happy with how things are, then there's no reason to be in a hurry :)

Level 3 Timelord Ranger

[sIGPIC][/sIGPIC]

STR: 10 | DEX: 7 | STA: 11.5 | CON: 6.5 | WIS: 5.75 | CHA: 2.25

Challenge

1 2 3

"The thing is, Adam, time travel is like visiting Paris. You can't just read the guide book. You've got to throw yourself in, eat the food, use the wrong verbs, get charged double and end up kissing complete strangers - or is that just me? Stop asking questions. Go and do it!"

"Don't ever judge me by your standards."

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I am coming off of a 4 year dating exile after a 7 year relationship. I believe its karma. In the beginning, I met awesome guys who I did not treat well because I was in a different mind frame. Now that I am ready to give it a serious go with someone, I meet jerks. lol. Oh well. I really do want to meet someone and try the dating thing again, but it terrifies the hell out of me and it is almost impossible for me to feel a spark for someone. But that is life. if it is meant to be, it will be.

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I broke up with the love of my life (so far!) a few months ago. It wasn't a good relationship, but I loved him like crazy. More than I loved myself. And that was the problem. My life became about him. And I'm at the stage now where I don't know who I am without him. I was probably co-dependent. So it's been really, really hard. The hardest thing I've ever done. I ended it, for various reasons, because I knew that as hard as it would be not being with him, it would be harder in the long run being with someone who wasn't as into me as I was into him, who wasn't ready not to be with other women, who couldn't give me what I needed.

I'm pretty ashamed and angry at myself that I let it get to the stage where I totally lost who I was. But I've cut off all contact now - I sent back the last of his stuff yesterday! - and I have asked him not to contact me again. I just had to cut the cord. Every text message, little note when we return things, phone call...it's like breaking up all over again, because we still love each other. But I can't define myself through someone else, or what they're doing, or my relationship status with them. It was a mistake being with him in the first place - red flags everywhere! - but I just loved him so much that I thought we could be perfect.

I don't think I'd change anything though. Yes, I am scared of being a crazy cat lady. Especially because I am allergic to cats :P. But I just need to take the time to be single, alone, completely by myself - lonely even - so I can fully recover, and know that I am okay as just me :) That's largely what posting on NF is about now - another part of my life that is solely mine. That's why I've kept going to dancing, even though it hurts every week, and I am petrified of performing on stage, but I feel like I HAVE TO DO IT. It's like I'm being forced into it by, well, myself I guess, some little part of my soul which holds that hope and strength. Even if I'm tired, or I feel like crap, I still turn up, week after week. And now that my shoulder is almost better (yucky injuries!) I'll be heading back to the yoga mat. I know that will help a lot!!

Anyway... /rant. Thanks for listening.

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Oh gosh. Peaches, kudos to you for being so in tune with yourself that you could recognize co-dependent tendencies in your relationship, and then having the courage to step away from it! Seriously - do NOT feel ashamed or angry at yourself for "letting" it get that far. These things happen to the most strong willed, confident people (myself included!). Be absolutely proud of yourself that you are not only keenly aware of your feelings and needs, but also that you are totally capable of making sacrifices for your overall well being.

Good idea to take some time for yourself and be alone. The wounds are still fresh, but you will find with time that the benefits of being single greatly outweigh being tied down in a dead end relationship. Examples: your social life will undoubtedly thrive - you will no longer have to choose between boyfriend and friends. You will find it easier to keep up with daily chores, tasks around the house, personal pampering and the like because you will no longer feel obligated to fritter away unproductive/mindless hours spending time with a significant other, with a direct result of this being leveling up your life. Most importantly, I have found that post breakup alone time does wonders for learning to love myself, flaws and all.

I've been in your place before! Drop a line if you'd ever like to chit chat :)

CAPS CAPS CAPS CAPS

I'm the one in the picture without the giant orange beard, thankyouverymuch

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First off, you guys (girls) are Women of NerdFitness! You all don't have to worry about ending up alone, because you guys are all awesome K? K :)

Secondly, this is not just a women thing, heck I think this is a guy thing sometimes :P All around, dating is awkward and a lot of people don't do it, or don't know HOW to do it. The way I see it, if you want to date, then date. If you don't then don't. And don't date someone just because you don't think anyone else will like you, or because you are afraid to grow old alone. If you live your life, and love yourself, then people will be drawn to you.

Thirdly *cool, smooth voice* How you doin'? :cool-new::)

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Oh gosh. Peaches, kudos to you for being so in tune with yourself that you could recognize co-dependent tendencies in your relationship, and then having the courage to step away from it! Seriously - do NOT feel ashamed or angry at yourself for "letting" it get that far. These things happen to the most strong willed, confident people (myself included!). Be absolutely proud of yourself that you are not only keenly aware of your feelings and needs, but also that you are totally capable of making sacrifices for your overall well being.

Good idea to take some time for yourself and be alone. The wounds are still fresh, but you will find with time that the benefits of being single greatly outweigh being tied down in a dead end relationship. Examples: your social life will undoubtedly thrive - you will no longer have to choose between boyfriend and friends. You will find it easier to keep up with daily chores, tasks around the house, personal pampering and the like because you will no longer feel obligated to fritter away unproductive/mindless hours spending time with a significant other, with a direct result of this being leveling up your life. Most importantly, I have found that post breakup alone time does wonders for learning to love myself, flaws and all.

I've been in your place before! Drop a line if you'd ever like to chit chat :)

Thank you!!! I'm a work in progress really. I definitely have my ups and downs! But, overall, I'm on the way up...slowly. My social life hasn't changed really, I didn't go out much before, but I'm making a real effort now to spend time with my girlfriends. I don't have any family in Melbourne so my friends are really important!

And thank you for your support, Jcannon :)

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Yes, I am scared of being a crazy cat lady. Especially because I am allergic to cats :P.

Peaches - you are AMAZING! You should be insanely proud of yourself for having the strength and self-love to do what you've done. Seriously, you're an inspiration. And you cat quote made my day :D

I'm with you all on the date-hate. I've, literally, been on two dates my whole life. Plenty of 'boyfriends', but somehow we always end up there without dating. Friends first, usually. However, since moving to Korea, I don't have any guy friends, so if/when (and I'm kinda leaning towards 'when' for a few reasons lately) my Korean bf and I break up, I might have to date. I don't even know how. Or some alone time might be good - I haven't actually been single for about 7 or 8 years. All you single ladies - do you feel like taking some time for yourself (by choice or otherwise) has been good for you?

Warrior Princess
Eating Psychology Coach

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â•‘ Live the Whole  â•‘ Bucket List â•‘Level up my Lifeâ•‘ 

"Don't ever save anything for a special occasion. Every day you're alive is a special occasion."

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I guess it depends on the length and depth of any particular relationship, but yes for me having time out on my own has been absolutely crucial. One of the biggest mistakes I made in the wake of my marriage break-up was not taking enough time to myself; I would have gotten myself back on track much easier and quicker if I had. But just generally, being on your own for a while is probably a good thing every now and then.

Even now, it's not that I feel 'OMG I've been single for a year and a half, I have to meet someone NOW!' - my concern is more that I don't see myself seriously falling for anyone again ever. And that makes me wonder if you can just lose the ability to fall in love...

Always kick higher

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I still believe in love, I absolutely believe in love! Maybe, JediJem, you're at the stage where you're so independent that you don't need a man. And that is not a bad place to be! You haven't lost the ability to fall in love. You just have to meet someone who's worthy of you. Sometimes we get a little too strong.

Sambalina, these past few months have been the hardest of my life, but it really is nice to be able to do whatever the hell I want :D Here's an example. It's my birthday on Thursday. I haven't organised a party or anything, instead, I've taken the day off work, and I'm going here for the day: http://www.peninsulahotsprings.com/ The Turkish steam room is calling my name already...SO excited! My problem is that I get lazy...I'll stay in bed rather than going for a walk, I'll get take away rather than cooking a nutritious meal for myself. These things aren't really 'treating myself', I'm just being stupid, and it's not getting me any closer to achieving my goals. I have to remember that 'treating myself' means doing things which are GOOD for my body and my mind - this means going to dancing even if I feel like shit, going to yoga, and eating properly, even if I would rather get a quesadilla from TGI Friday's (SO delicious!)

The point is Sambalina, if you break up with your man, it is definitely important for you to stay single for a while! You may discover some new things about yourself :) Maybe you know yourself completely already. I don't, which is why I've chosen to be alone, and hopefully sometime soon I'll be the best version of peaches that I can possibly be, and then, maybe I'll find someone to share my life with - as equals! :love_heart:

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