LGBTQA and Ally Safe Space

Pherales · June 2, 2013

Nothing wrong with a little emotional therapy now and again. Honestly I could take a leaf out of a few books. I've reached a point where I'm finally ready to start getting back on the dating horse, and I've discovered that I've become such a socially anxious creature that I have mini panic attacks sending messages online. What helps one person probably helps a few more who aren't speaking up too.

fearlesscreek · June 2, 2013

hi everybody!

i just found this and my eyes are getting red from catching up!

just love it!

i wasnt sure if i wanted to mention being a lesbian on my thread. i live in berlin, where being "different" is kinda cool. having an afroamerican father who believes i will go straight to hell made me wonder though how queer i could be on nerdfitness...

i am happy and touched to find out that this site is open to all aspects of me!

Leithient · June 3, 2013

hi everybody!
i just found this and my eyes are getting red from catching up!
just love it!

i wasnt sure if i wanted to mention being a lesbian on my thread. i live in berlin, where being "different" is kinda cool. having an afroamerican father who believes i will go straight to hell made me wonder though how queer i could be on nerdfitness...

i am happy and touched to find out that this site is open to all aspects of me!

Hi!

One of the things that makes me feel more comfortable here is that it seems that you could found support whatever your 'problem'/need.

I'ts also pleasing being able to share any facet of your life.

Wolfhorde · June 3, 2013

hi everybody!
i just found this and my eyes are getting red from catching up!
just love it!
pur
i wasnt sure if i wanted to mention being a lesbian on my thread. i live in berlin, where being "different" is kinda cool. having an afroamerican father who believes i will go straight to hell made me wonder though how queer i could be on nerdfitness...

i am happy and touched to find out that this site is open to all aspects of me!

Uhh.. Berlin, how long have you been living there more recently and did you just move there or have you been living there for a longer time? (I'm curious because I might have to live in Berlin myself if I actually manage it through all the tests at the Department of Foreign Affairs)

Eh, that's not so savvy. Family support can always be a pretty icky or difficult topic when it comes to things like these. Does he or the rest of your friends/family know?

@daggart: Don't be afraid of "awkward" situations or get too hung up on such words. If there's anything you can learn from constructivism it's that language and especially such "attributes" are purely semantics and how applicable they are is rather questionable. But as others have pointed out doing nothing won't really get you anywhere, especially not where you want to be and often taking courage to act is not as 'awkward' as it first seems. (I actually just motivated a friend of mine to do basically the same thing and she was succesful despite the guy having a girlfriend)

The question isn't how the situation is going to be like, the question is what you are going to take away from it. I like to think of it as win-win. You talk to people even when you're afraid it's going to be 'awkward' and you just pushed your comfort zone regardless of their reaction. Then they could react completely positive like in this case expressing interest or otherwise positively informing you they're not interested in that kinda thing and then it's up to you two to decide whether you can hang out, form a friendship or sth. alike.

Plus you should never forget that there are a lot of people who can't read 'signs' even if they are obvious or at least doubt their ability to do so - with good reason (our minds can be sneaky and deceitful) so having an actual verbal confirmation goes a long way. Sorry for being long-winded.

Leithient · June 3, 2013

@daggart: Don't be afraid of "awkward" situations or get too hung up on such words. If there's anything you can learn from constructivism it's that language and especially such "attributes" are purely semantics and how applicable they are is rather questionable. But as others have pointed out doing nothing won't really get you anywhere, especially not where you want to be and often taking courage to act is not as 'awkward' as it first seems. (I actually just motivated a friend of mine to do basically the same thing and she was succesful despite the guy having a girlfriend)
The question isn't how the situation is going to be like, the question is what you are going to take away from it. I like to think of it as win-win. You talk to people even when you're afraid it's going to be 'awkward' and you just pushed your comfort zone regardless of their reaction. Then they could react completely positive like in this case expressing interest or otherwise positively informing you they're not interested in that kinda thing and then it's up to you two to decide whether you can hang out, form a friendship or sth. alike.
Plus you should never forget that there are a lot of people who can't read 'signs' even if they are obvious or at least doubt their ability to do so - with good reason (our minds can be sneaky and deceitful) so having an actual verbal confirmation goes a long way. Sorry for being long-winded.

I just read your post, but today I've done most of your tips. Yes, I was talking to her in complete normalcy, and although there isn't any progress, I think I am more confident. I've caught myself feeling me comfortable with her, making some jokes, etc. I hope we could talk about something more 'intimate' soon.

On the other hand, even though I feel with more fearlessness, I can't be so explicit yet. By the way, she is 7 years older than me (24 vs 31), she should be the one that takes the initiative! :rolleyes:

Wolfhorde · June 4, 2013

I just read your post, but today I've done most of your tips. Yes, I was talking to her in complete normalcy, and although there isn't any progress, I think I am more confident. I've caught myself feeling me comfortable with her, making some jokes, etc. I hope we could talk about something more 'intimate' soon.

On the other hand, even though I feel with more fearlessness, I can't be so explicit yet. By the way, she is 7 years older than me (24 vs 31), she should be the one that takes the initiative!

Rationalization much? Seriously though, age or gender is completely irrelevant when it comes to taking action in reality. Plus breaking social conventions can earn you some real bonus points, I sure know that quite a bunch of my heterosexual or "bi" male friends are happy when a female will actually take the initative and hit them up. (obviously also dependant on the person but just the general tendency)

Or as the saying goes: It's only as awkward as you make (which applies to a lot of social situations).

Psynapse · June 4, 2013

Hi. I'm Psynapse. I'm a Whovian, a Browncoat, a DnDer, a biologist, and I also like men. Really, REALLY like men.

nightlight · June 4, 2013

Hi. I'm Psynapse. I'm a Whovian, a Browncoat, a DnDer, a biologist, and I also like men. Really, REALLY like men.

all of these, very good things

cobaltflash · June 5, 2013

Hi there I am cobaltflash. I am a brony, a game of thrones fan, a photographer, and i am a heteroromantic asexual who is repulsed by sex and naked human bodies (pornography is icky to me and makes me want to gag)

JDCookMS · June 14, 2013

Hey everyone. I'm Daniel (JDCookMS), I'm from Hattiesburg, Mississippi, I'm a Whovian, game of thrones fan, photographer, and I'm openly gay.

Silvertongued · June 14, 2013

I'm Astrid, I own over a thousand books at the tender age of almost twenty, last semester I did a paper on science fiction, I really like sewing, dressing up, cross dressing, make up, comic books (got a paper on that next semester), and vintage/historical fashion. I'm also a female genderqueer pansexual who wants to watch NBC Hannibal inside a pillow fort more than could possibly be considered normal.

Thrillho · June 18, 2013

WriterGuy · June 22, 2013

hi everybody!
i just found this and my eyes are getting red from catching up!
just love it!

i wasnt sure if i wanted to mention being a lesbian on my thread. i live in berlin, where being "different" is kinda cool. having an afroamerican father who believes i will go straight to hell made me wonder though how queer i could be on nerdfitness...

i am happy and touched to find out that this site is open to all aspects of me!

Hi!

I can totally relate not finding support from your family. My grandparents believe gay people are mentally insane and belong in an asylum, so it sucks more or less, but what I have discovered is that once you find those people who accept you, everything is OK. Nerdfitness is one of the places, where you don't need to restrict yourself.

@daggart: Don't be afraid of "awkward" situations or get too hung up on such words. If there's anything you can learn from constructivism it's that language and especially such "attributes" are purely semantics and how applicable they are is rather questionable. But as others have pointed out doing nothing won't really get you anywhere, especially not where you want to be and often taking courage to act is not as 'awkward' as it first seems. (I actually just motivated a friend of mine to do basically the same thing and she was succesful despite the guy having a girlfriend)
The question isn't how the situation is going to be like, the question is what you are going to take away from it. I like to think of it as win-win. You talk to people even when you're afraid it's going to be 'awkward' and you just pushed your comfort zone regardless of their reaction. Then they could react completely positive like in this case expressing interest or otherwise positively informing you they're not interested in that kinda thing and then it's up to you two to decide whether you can hang out, form a friendship or sth. alike.
Plus you should never forget that there are a lot of people who can't read 'signs' even if they are obvious or at least doubt their ability to do so - with good reason (our minds can be sneaky and deceitful) so having an actual verbal confirmation goes a long way. Sorry for being long-winded.

What you said. Tenfold! Sound advice. The thing I have found hardest is actually doing the first steps. The first times everything is terrifying, but once you adopt this as an attitude and habit in your communication with people, it won't be as difficult. I'm still working on it.

Rationalization much? Seriously though, age or gender is completely irrelevant when it comes to taking action in reality. Plus breaking social conventions can earn you some real bonus points, I sure know that quite a bunch of my heterosexual or "bi" male friends are happy when a female will actually take the initative and hit them up. (obviously also dependant on the person but just the general tendency)
Or as the saying goes: It's only as awkward as you make (which applies to a lot of social situations).

This last line has to be on a t-shit!

DaygloNirvana · June 24, 2013

I'm having a bit of an LGBT related problem and I'm not sure how to pump myself up to get past it. I just got a gym membership, and I'm really enthusiastic about going, but what's holding me back is that as a trans person, I loathe things like locker rooms and sports bras. I live my life on the male end of the spectrum, so being thrust into the female end just so I can get in a workout is more than a bit dysphoric. My binder is too constrictive to work out in, and it doesn't breathe well. Without it, I'm rather top-heavy (at least an E cup) so I need the bra to keep me from shifting all over. It's all very "gender-confused" in the end. Are there any other trans people on NF that know this pain? Should I just suck it up and go, even though I can't be "me"? Should I stick to working out at home? Sigh.

nightlight · June 24, 2013

I'm having a bit of an LGBT related problem and I'm not sure how to pump myself up to get past it. I just got a gym membership, and I'm really enthusiastic about going, but what's holding me back is that as a trans person, I loathe things like locker rooms and sports bras. I live my life on the male end of the spectrum, so being thrust into the female end just so I can get in a workout is more than a bit dysphoric. My binder is too constrictive to work out in, and it doesn't breathe well. Without it, I'm rather top-heavy (at least an E cup) so I need the bra to keep me from shifting all over. It's all very "gender-confused" in the end. Are there any other trans people on NF that know this pain? Should I just suck it up and go, even though I can't be "me"? Should I stick to working out at home? Sigh.

hmm. this is tough. i'm not trans, so i can't offer help from a trans perspective, but maybe just some... ideas?

could you find a sports bra that is a minimizer also? i think they make those. it's not going to be as minimizing as a binder, though.

i don't know if "suck it up and go" is a good approach. it could do more damage psychologically. i know locker rooms are scary. i think they are for any LGBTQAI person. ("who's looking at me?" "do they think i'm looking at them?!?") is there somewhere you could change in private? this way you could at least remain sort of anonymous when you are out on the gym floor?

ICB · June 24, 2013

I'm having a bit of an LGBT related problem and I'm not sure how to pump myself up to get past it. I just got a gym membership, and I'm really enthusiastic about going, but what's holding me back is that as a trans person, I loathe things like locker rooms and sports bras. I live my life on the male end of the spectrum, so being thrust into the female end just so I can get in a workout is more than a bit dysphoric. My binder is too constrictive to work out in, and it doesn't breathe well. Without it, I'm rather top-heavy (at least an E cup) so I need the bra to keep me from shifting all over. It's all very "gender-confused" in the end. Are there any other trans people on NF that know this pain? Should I just suck it up and go, even though I can't be "me"? Should I stick to working out at home? Sigh.

That's a tough one. Maybe you could focus on things like bodyweight circuits or the Hotel Room Workout so you can exercise at home? My inclination is to either change at home and travel to the gym, or just suck it up. But I'm not really in your position, though, so I don't feel great about telling you to suck it up. I just know that whatever gender confusion is going on, being tired/sick/out of shape will probably make it worse in a general sense. Your physical health is the basis for your emotional health, so it has to come first.

GingaNinja · June 26, 2013

I am Laura or Leeroy, I'm a bisexual women and I live in Edinburgh. I live with my boyfriends I work in a cosy LGBT pub where I generally flirt with all the girls. I'm technically and Illustrator but I haven't been doing a lot of the recently unfortunately! Nice to meet you all!

Starbuck · July 1, 2013

I'm having a bit of an LGBT related problem and I'm not sure how to pump myself up to get past it. I just got a gym membership, and I'm really enthusiastic about going, but what's holding me back is that as a trans person, I loathe things like locker rooms and sports bras. I live my life on the male end of the spectrum, so being thrust into the female end just so I can get in a workout is more than a bit dysphoric. My binder is too constrictive to work out in, and it doesn't breathe well. Without it, I'm rather top-heavy (at least an E cup) so I need the bra to keep me from shifting all over. It's all very "gender-confused" in the end. Are there any other trans people on NF that know this pain? Should I just suck it up and go, even though I can't be "me"? Should I stick to working out at home? Sigh.

I do have some understanding of how you're feeling, but I don't know if I can say much to help. As a bit of background to me, I identify as male, but have decided to continue presenting as female at this point. However, not that long ago I was presenting more male, planning on transitioning and was wearing binders pretty much full time and was faced the same problem when it came to working out. I am also quite large when it comes to cup size, so need to wear something and learned quickly that working out with a binder was just not going to work.

I found that for me the best option was to work out in a gym, because I couldn't do what I wanted to do at home. For me the positive effect and the strength I gained from working out outweighed the dysphoria of having to wear a bra. If I am doing anything that involved running or jumping I have to wear a well fitting sports bra because I do not cope well at all when my attention is drawn to my top because it's bouncing around too much. If I am just doing weight or cycling, I find I can get away with wearing these old sports bras that make me look smaller because they fit strangely (the band size is too big and the cup size is too small).

I get changed before I go to the gym and afterwards I got straight home, so I haven't really had to deal with locker rooms at all.

I'm not sure how much that helps you, because these things are so different in different people. It's all about working out what is best for you. I guess I'd suggest giving the gym a go at least once, because that it what worked for me.

DaygloNirvana · July 2, 2013

Thanks for the replies. Nice to know I'm not the only one going through these problems. I'm not going to let it hold me back, as soon as that bra comes in the mail!

maggerson · July 4, 2013

Oh, you lovely beautiful people, I missed you all! I'm sorry I haven't been following the thread. Somewhere in the site update my email notifications disappeared, and that combined with a half ton of personal crap to deal with led to me accidentally ignoring NF.

But don't fear, I'm BACK! It warms the cockles of my heart to see this thread has continued and is still super-welcoming and a safe space for everyone, thanks you guys.

nightlight · July 5, 2013

Thanks for the replies. Nice to know I'm not the only one going through these problems. I'm not going to let it hold me back, as soon as that bra comes in the mail!

glad we could help.

we're here for you!

Anduril · July 7, 2013

Finally caught up with the thread again ... not much to say except hello.

krebsicle · July 7, 2013

Hello everyone!

I'm still catching up on this thread, but I wanted to post here to say hi and to say how glad I am that this exists. As a queer woman, it's nice to see such a supportive community on the NF forums.

(using the label "queer" mainly because I'm not sure where I fit with respect to distinct sexual orientation categories... probably somewhere between the "L" and the "B," but I don't know that I would be able to describe myself as one or the other, at least at this stage in my life)

But yeah, I'm looking forward to reading through the rest of these posts, and to seeing more discussion on here in the future!

Also, hopefully I will be able to actually contribute to discussions on here in the future... but I wanted to introduce myself on the thread first so that I wasn't lurking.

prefect42 · July 8, 2013

Hello everyone!

Welcome! Also, you win for having an excellently nerdy username. God, I hated memorizing that in bio.

BreadMage · July 9, 2013

So. Much. Reading.

Worth it though.

I'm in the US Navy, I'm a Whovian, I'll roll dice for any game, and I'm queer

I just got here so I missed a whole bunch of discussions but I hope I can be part of some in the near future.

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