hello all...i'm back (maybe)

[ebm1224]

hey kids...long time no see. i used to post here alot towards the end of last year and the beginning of this year. i graduated in december and then life changed alot (got a grownup job, moved) and i kinda fell off the nerdfitness bandwagon. not that i wasn't a huge fan of the site...i just really kinda moved away from using the computer when i wasn't at work. so here i am now, though, and i feel like life is going really well in alot of ways (job, boyfriend, finances) but other areas have taken a hit recently and it's bringing me down...and i need to find some help. so i've decided to reach out to you guys for some support again. i'm also seeking out some other means of support (boyfriend, friends, perhaps a therapist) but there's something nice about this community that used to always inspire me. and i feel like i could use that right now.

so a little summary of where i've been, where i am now, and where i'd like to be:

throughout my life, my weight has fluxuated quite a bit. i was always a little on the heavier side but not what most people would consider fat. i also have a russian/polish background so i have that sort of curvy/pear-shaped thing that is common in that genetic group and i've found ways to sorta dress thinner than i actually am. i've also dealt with some medical issues over the years that have affected my weight. back in high school i got down to about 120lbs (i'm 5'4") simply because i had no appetite for several months. i had a similar situation about 3 years ago and i got to about 125 without even trying...just wasn't hungry (and when i was hungry, it was usually for junk food and carbs). i loved how i looked back then but hated how i felt because i wasn't feeding my body properly.

since that low point weight-wise a few years ago, my weight has gradually increased. i try to work out but am consistent with it in varying degrees (a good month here, a bad month there for example). my diet has been about the same i think the whole time. i definitely realize i have some bad habits (portion control, eating when i'm not hungry, and loving sweets/carbs way too much) but i also have some good points (i love fruits and veggies). last december i had been on nf for a few months and really got dedicated. i tried paleo for 30 days in january and was working out 3-4 days per week (even trying the stronglifts program). i was about 145-155 during this time though i did drop about 5lbs in the 30 days on paleo. unfortunately, since my paleo experiment ended (i liked it and have learned alot of lessons from it but i don't think it is something i'd want to stick to full time) the weight has gradually crept on. couple that with the stress of job-hunting after a temp assignment ended in april, moving in may, and basically sitting on my ass 8 hours a day for the last 4 months.

currently i'm about 160 (close to the heaviest i've ever been) and i absolutely hate it. i feel incredibly self-conscious whenever i'm with friends (most of whom are just ridiculously beautiful and skinny) and even with my boyfriend (who says he doesn't care and is still attracted to me and all that...but i don't feel sexy). i'm just at a point where i'm really fed up and annoyed because i feel like all the reading i've done (both here and everywhere else) just isn't giving me what i need. and i'm wondering if this is just how i'm meant to be and if i should just stop fighting it.

jeez, this post is long.

the things i'm frustrated with:

1) i bought into the idea that "little changes add up" but that just doesn't seem to be the case for me. i've made alot of little changes...but nothing changes.

2) i just found out about a month ago that i have a thyroid condition and just started taking meds for it. i was hoping that maybe some of this weight gain was related to that but so far, the meds haven't made a difference on the scale.

3) i've never successfully lost weight on purpose. when i lost weight a few years ago, it was due to a medical issue and i basically ate crap for months...just not enough to sustain my weight i guess. it does weird things to your head when the only time you've ever lost weight was done by eating hostess cupcakes and bagels.

4) i feel like the people in my life won't help. i've been totally honest that i've gained weight (not that i'm fooling anyone) and feel like i've put enough feelers out there that people should pick up on the fact that i'm really looking for some hard-core support. i don't know if people are shy to offer help or don't care or what.

5) i don't know why my weight is so tied into my self worth. i've begun to have some serious self-esteem issues in the past few months and i think alot of it relates back to not feeling good in my skin. it's annoying that those two things are related so closely in my head.

the things i know i'm just bitching about for no reason:

1) i know my diet isn't great. i'd even go so far to say that it sucks these past few months.

2) i've had some consistency working out the past few months but i know i haven't done enough - especially to compensate for the crappy diet and ass-sitting at work.

3) i know it's not my friends's responsibility to help me with this. i know what to do, i just have to do it.

the things working against me:

1) working 8 hours a day sitting on my ass.

2) i don't have a great kitchen set-up at the moment. currently sharing a kitchen with family and it can be complicated to cook healthy meals when everyone is trying to cook/eat at the same time. i should have a fully functional kitchen again in a few weeks though.

3) i no longer living in a pedestrian friendly area so, if i want to go somewhere, i pretty much have to drive.

4) there just don't seem to be enough hours in the day to sleep, work, work out, cook, clean, etc. i have no idea how people with kids manage.

the things working in my favor:

1) gym membership (with a gym super-close to my house)

2) elliptical machine and weights at home

3) a few friends nearby who are sometimes game to work out together

4) a wonderful boyfriend who supports me no matter what

so there we have it. super long so, if you read all that, you deserve a cookie or something. i feels really good to get all this out in the open instead of having it swirling around in my head. i really want to believe i can do this but all the wisdom in the world just hasn't made a difference like i want it to. i don't want to be one of those people who only drinks water and eats chicken and broccoli for every meal...and from everything i've read i don't have to be...but lately it seems like only 100% perfection will yield results. i guess the only thing to do is get back on the horse and keep tryin different methods and see if something sticks.

thanks for listening, nerd fitness friends. i've missed you guys

[BopGun]

I wasn't around the last time you were regularly here, but welcome back. You've got this. You know what to do. Definitely don't have to eliminate the very occasional cupcake or bagel; just a matter of cutting down their frequency. Once a week for a cheat something seems to work for me so far; that's much easier for me to take than eliminating those things entirely. I've been making excuses for myself since 1996, personally, about why I don't have to be active and watch my diet. Nothing left but to just do it, just do it, just do it, do it, do it...

[The Tin Man]

ebm, welcome back! That's a long post and when I have a chance I'll read it all but I just wanted to pop in to welcome you back.

[WizardTrip]

First off...welcome back! I was curious where you disappeared off to, but it is good to have you back.

Time to jump into some of this. That was a long read (yes, I read it ), but I'm just gonna focus on a few of the things you posted (probably out of order too).

the things i know i'm just bitching about for no reason:

No need to list the 3 items since this sentence sums it up in your mind. You know what you have to do. Do better at the diet, be consistent, and although it isn't your friend's responsibilities to help you, they can be of encouragement. Don't toss friend support out, but you are 100% right, you have to just do it. You friends can't and won't make you do it if you aren't willing.

the things working against me:

1) working 8 hours a day sitting on my ass.

2) i don't have a great kitchen set-up at the moment. currently sharing a kitchen with family and it can be complicated to cook healthy meals when everyone is trying to cook/eat at the same time. i should have a fully functional kitchen again in a few weeks though.

3) i no longer living in a pedestrian friendly area so, if i want to go somewhere, i pretty much have to drive.

4) there just don't seem to be enough hours in the day to sleep, work, work out, cook, clean, etc. i have no idea how people with kids manage.

1) Uhmmmm....this one should be moved to the "things i know i'm just bitching about for no reason" category. I don't mean to be rude about it, and I know that this is your first "grownup job", but a few things on this one. Welcome to the grownup world , many of us here on NF have the same "sit on your ass 8 hours a day" job, and lastly...HEY...you have a job....bonus!

2) "i should have a fully functional kitchen again in a few weeks though." - working against you for only a few more weeks....moving on.

3) DC is the first place I have lived that is a "pedestrian friendly area" (except for my work...grrrrrrr), so I know this one all so well. Honestly, ya just got to do it. Get yourself in your car and go. Of course, regarding the gym, I'm not sure what kind of schedule you're working with, but before moving to DC, I would go straight to the gym from work before going home. If I went home first, I wouldn't get back out.

4) Yes....its a lot to juggle, but hey...you don't have kids. Ask any number of people here about juggling life (I'm looking at you Wicked Pixie and your 4 kids, 4am gym times, etc) and working out. In the end...sorry, but yes, there are enough hours. Since you've been gone, you may have missed this article, http://www.nerdfitness.com/blog/2012/07/26/priorities/ , but it's all about priorities.

the things working in my favor:

1) gym membership (with a gym super-close to my house)

2) elliptical machine and weights at home

3) a few friends nearby who are sometimes game to work out together

4) a wonderful boyfriend who supports me no matter what

Boom....great....use it all! Hit that gym, use weights at home, rely on some friends for support and I know so many people that would love to have a significant other like yours....supports you no matter what.

And lastly:

the things i'm frustrated with:

1) i bought into the idea that "little changes add up" but that just doesn't seem to be the case for me. i've made alot of little changes...but nothing changes.

Not true...not true at all. You have somehow convinced yourself that nothing changes, but little consistent changes add up in a big way. Changing something, then changing something else only allowing the previous change to go back to the way it was....sure, it'll never add up, but as long as you are consistent about those changes, they become big. I do see a lot of areas in your post that show changes that have been made in the past, but I see those as "past" changes. It's time to make some more, and stay with it.

Welcome back and delete that 'maybe' from the subject line