MEN ONLY THREAD part two

[Loren Wade]

Anything more than the simplest of things would be a pain I'd imagine.

I'm relatively certain it is a feature that need only be turned on.

[Jcannon98188]

I'm relatively certain it is a feature that need only be turned on.

Isn't this what you're talking about?

https://www.vbulletin.com/forum/showthread.php/406489-Help-with-Reputation-system

[Denny]

Isn't this what you're talking about?

https://www.vbulletin.com/forum/showthread.php/406489-Help-with-Reputation-system

Either that or a response button to a post. I know some vBulletin forums has either a Thanks button or a response button with "I find this post useful/bad" or similar choices. It would be nice to combine both choices because sometimes you like what a person has written but have nothing to say, a simple button is enough to give appreciation to that post.

[Gainsdalf the Whey]

In no talking about a rep system, that's another thing entirely. I was talking about just a little reward to the stat point system for posts of the week or something.

[Loren Wade]

In no talking about a rep system, that's another thing entirely. I was talking about just a little reward to the stat point system for posts of the week or something.

That would only make sense if that stat point was given related to the topic. If its about strong lifts,+1 STR, Men's thread? +1 CHA or WIS.

I still think a rep system would be more efficient.

[Gainsdalf the Whey]

That would only make sense if that stat point was given related to the topic. If its about strong lifts,+1 STR, Men's thread? +1 CHA or WIS.

I still think a rep system would be more efficient.

For the stat points, that's exactly what I'm thinking. Brought it up with the mods+staci in our super secret hideout, we'll see if it turns into anything.

I'm literally thinking of staci saying, ok, you got post of the week, +1 to wis, and it would be small and only to a few people every week. Community wide rep system where everyone give up votes and down votes would be too big and I don't think we need it. I think something like that would take away from what we currently have now where you think of people from what you've seen them post and the content of their current post.

People that don't post much but are truly insightful, like chairohkey and jdanger from the warriors, would end up having lower up votes than most people just because they have less exposure. People who are less insightful or helpful but post a crap ton (edit: 9th all time, woot!. Nothing to No. 2 Mr. Loren Wade), like me, would have higher up votes even though they don't deserve them. The effect would be that newbies who haven't observed comments yet may take what I'm saying with greater weight than those two, which I personally wouldn't want.

[Radiata]

Fellow NF men, I seek your advice and maybe, who knows, a way to end this madness. To fully understand the whole story, let me put in some background -sighs, hoping not to end with a wall of post-

I recently (three months ago) ended a very long relationship (eight years long). So she and I basically grew together and it seemed she was the ONE. We endured together sickness, violence and everything that stood on our way.

About one year ago I tried my luck in the kitchens of a gigantic resort at the beach, having to leave my hometown, my family and specially, my now ex-gf. I failed. Miserably. Between being homesick and the horrendous work conditions I ended being demolished. There wasn´t a single day I didn´t cry. And, as natural, I resorted to my now ex-gf for support. Fast-forwarding it a bit, I returned to hometown, against the will of mother. Father received my with open arms and my now ex was very supportive. I ended seizing a nice job in a local restaurant as chef and it seemed things were going to be all right.

Fast forward and three months ago I had to leave my hometown because of very, very compelling and powerful reasons... all reasons were beyond my grasp. We broke up but a week later, we decided to be together again and that my now-ex would later join me and live together in this new place. Thanks Gods I got a job really quick and worked my ass off to save and have a nice money cushion for her arrival. A month later, after nagging me to get an apartment and make some recon for potential companies for hiring (she´s graduating as an IT) we were skyping and she tells me "I don´t want to go with you. I´m still sick, I don´t know that country like you do, I won´t be near my family anymore, bla bla bla" I felt my heart being ripped away. To add a final blow she told me "but I still want to be friends with you". I passed those days numb, unable to feel anything but rage and anger and hatred to her.

Fast forward some more, I finally forgave her and was trying to forgive myself. One day she sent me a msg telling some other guy is hitting on her and she´s all over him. I freaking snapped out of control and told her to die. Later, when things calmed a little I asked her where did I fail and she told me "you lost me one year ago. You were weak, you were not a man enough to endure the events of a year ago" I was all "DUDE WTF! I WAS IN FUCKING PAIN EVERYDAY, FALLING EXHAUSTED TO BED ONLY TO HAVE NIGHTMARES". So, after being told that she just realized that she wasn´t so dependant of me and she didn´t need me to be complete, she starts telling me how this new dude makes her feel safe and complete and warm. I was all like "WHAT THE FLYING FUCK!".

Fast forward more, five days ago we cut all contact. No facebook, no msn, no texts, no nothing. Nothing at all. The first days I felt terrible, thinking "eight years, eight fucking years of relationship. We break and in two months you cast me in the shadows, forget me, get a new bf and brag about it". Just yesterday a strange sense of calmness invaded me, somehow I just realized that I have to carry on.

So fellow NF men, how do I do it? How to avoid stalking her. How do I avoid having this nostalgia and re-running memories of nice times with her? I´ve already signed up in a gym, bought a new bike and discovered that walking has a soothing effect on me. I have good and bad moments through the day, but seriously, this emotional rollecoaster is driving me insane.

[KillerGriller]

I don't think it's necessary. A quick "thanks" is more beneficial to the forum community as a whole. A reward system gives prizes for those that give favourable responses, not necessarily the "best" (which is entirely subjective anyway). One of the cool things about THIS forum is that we can post opposing positions and still have a productive discussion, even/especially if we don't agree. You can be poorly written, but still bring up great points/ideas without an added incentive program. Don't fix it if it ain't broken.

[Gainsdalf the Whey]

Radiate: Sounds like when you went away and there was littlew contact, she realized there wasn't this gaping hole and that, like she said, she didn't need you to feel complete. To me, it sounds like you just weren't "the one" for her and she didn't want to settle. It's not that something's wrong with you or anything, it's just you're not the key to her lock like she seems to be to yours. It doesn't work if it doesn't go both ways. Yeah, it may have seemed that way, but tht happens. Sometimes it feels like the right fit at first, but isn't after the closer inspection of years.

How do you move on? There's two options. You can accept the above and go on with your life, find the things you enjoy, and go on a quest to find the lock that your are the key to. Find the person who feels that way about you and you to them. If you choose this path you can accept the ex as a friend or cut her out, your choice. But it you spent that long with her, she probably knows you better than anyone and would make a really good friend down the line.

The other option is to fight for her. If you think you are the one for her like you think she's the one for you, you'll have to convince her and show her that. That takes long hard work and is hard to do in a non-stalkerish way if she's not feeling it. Best way to do it would probably to accept the friendship relationship for now and maybe she'll realize one day through that friendship you really are the guy.

Either way, I think the best initial option in either case is to pursue the friendship. BE a friend, don't just pretend to be. See where that goes for a few months and decide from there.

[azsf]

@radiata - go to youtube, listen tp bitches aint shit by ben folds. Then needing/getting by ok go. Take these songs to heart, and youll be fine.

[leadchipmunk]

+1 rep to CoreyD. He took the words right out of my mouth and made them much more eloquent than I would have.

[Tanktimus the Encourager]

Radiata

Telling you she found another guy and how much she enjoys him was one of several things. One, she was being cruel and mean. Two, She made it up to make you miserable, in which case, again cruel and men. Three, she made it up to make you jealous and try to get her back, in which case she's manipulative. Three, she was just keeping you updated, but who the heck wouldn't think that's going to hurt to hear?

Consider the possibilty that you did not fail, it simply didn't work out. Whether you decide to let her go or pursue her, listen to Corey, accept the friend thing for a while (if you can even be just friends right now). Whatever you decide, you need to spend some time figuring out who you are independent of her. Live for yourself for a while, even if you end up back together it will make you healthier in the long run. Relationships are not about being depdendent and needing the other person to be complete, they are about sharing and giving. You can only do that well when you don't need another person to make you compelte. Know who you are, keep up the exercise.

As for the pain, that will fade in time, let it run its course. In the meantime, perhaps find a good counselor to talk to for a while, it can help.

[Loren Wade]

For the stat points, that's exactly what I'm thinking. Brought it up with the mods+staci in our super secret hideout, we'll see if it turns into anything.

I'm literally thinking of staci saying, ok, you got post of the week, +1 to wis, and it would be small and only to a few people every week. Community wide rep system where everyone give up votes and down votes would be too big and I don't think we need it. I think something like that would take away from what we currently have now where you think of people from what you've seen them post and the content of their current post.

People that don't post much but are truly insightful, like chairohkey and jdanger from the warriors, would end up having lower up votes than most people just because they have less exposure. People who are less insightful or helpful but post a crap ton (edit: 9th all time, woot!. Nothing to No. 2 Mr. Loren Wade), like me, would have higher up votes even though they don't deserve them. The effect would be that newbies who haven't observed comments yet may take what I'm saying with greater weight than those two, which I personally wouldn't want.

Yeah, I agree.

Where's the super secret hideout!? And why aren't I invited?

EDIT: Also, are you saying my posts aren't helpful or insightful? *GASP*

HOW DARE YOU COREY!

[Radiata]

@CoreyD Thank you so much for the advice. All this time I was questioning me if there was something wrong with me? If I am a bad person or something like that.

@azsf: Lulz, the first song managed to crack a smile and second just brought me to tears

@tanktimus: I dont know, all of this new bf is true because my best friend confirmed it. I just received a mail from her asking about my whereabouts and how I was doing. I answered and she seemed to be happy, albeit, a bit cold. I wrote to her "you can count with me" and she answered "you were always in the middle, so I really never counted on you. Thanks anyway"

So... am I the bad guy or she´s just hurt and manipulative?

[KillerGriller]

Radiate: Sounds like when you went away and there was littlew contact, she realized there wasn't this gaping hole and that, like she said, she didn't need you to feel complete. To me, it sounds like you just weren't "the one" for her and she didn't want to settle. It's not that something's wrong with you or anything, it's just you're not the key to her lock like she seems to be to yours. It doesn't work if it doesn't go both ways. Yeah, it may have seemed that way, but tht happens. Sometimes it feels like the right fit at first, but isn't after the closer inspection of years.

IMHO it sounds like she's the type of person that needs someone around her all the time. Not to sound harsh but it sounds like you weren't "right for her", you were just "right for now". From the way you describe it, she sounds like she needs/wants to be taken care of instead of participating in a mutual relationship. Everyone has weak points and for her to fall out of "love" with you because you had a down point in your life just sounds tremendously shallow and selfish. I had a relationship like this, and in hindsight I discovered that our time together was over long before it fell apart, mostly because I gave her no reason to move on despite her not being in love with me. I know this sounds arrogant but in this situation it was the truth. Her jumping onto the next guy that comes around and bragging about it tells me that she hangs a lot of her self-esteem on who she's attached to, and without someone beside her all the time, she's lost. All the passive aggressive BS you've noted as well points to serious abandonment issues. Again, my $0.02

[Tanktimus the Encourager]

@CoreyD Thank you so much for the advice. All this time I was questioning me if there was something wrong with me? If I am a bad person or something like that.

@azsf: Lulz, the first song managed to crack a smile and second just brought me to tears

@tanktimus: I dont know, all of this new bf is true because my best friend confirmed it. I just received a mail from her asking about my whereabouts and how I was doing. I answered and she seemed to be happy, albeit, a bit cold. I wrote to her "you can count with me" and she answered "you were always in the middle, so I really never counted on you. Thanks anyway"

So... am I the bad guy or she´s just hurt and manipulative?

Maybe she's both or neither. The point is you are NOT the bad guy. Learn who you are independent of her opinion. Get your own opinion of yourself. What she thinks of you, even what we on the forum think of you, is not as important as what YOU think. Figure that out.

[Radiata]

@KillerGriller Now that I have a semi-cool head and been thinking about it, your description seems to fit almost perfectly with her... sadly. I guess I´ll have to do is cash my chips and leave the table. For a strange reason, I still want to be friends with her, but I understand time must pass in order to heal and recover completely before trying to befriend her again.

[Gainsdalf the Whey]

Nothing moer to add, you guys got this down.

Yeah, I agree.

Where's the super secret hideout!? And why aren't I invited?

EDIT: Also, are you saying my posts aren't helpful or insightful? *GASP*

HOW DARE YOU COREY!

I put the parenthesis before that! I knew you would call me on it...

[msuroo]

Community wide rep system where everyone give up votes and down votes would be too big and I don't think we need it.

Agreed - I've never seen a forum where the rep system added more to the community than it detracted. Intrigued by the POTW idea though.

[bgvanbur]

The biggest problem is that a post of the week is hard to judge since the single post is no longer in the context of the original thread.

[Church]

Holy cow! I had to do a bunch of catching up!

Radiata:

For 8 years, she's been a HUGE part of your life, it's totally understandable that you want to keep her in it. But I firmly believe that you'll just be hurting yourself if you do so. Personally, I would cut her out entirely and move on.

And as for moving on: you do it one step at a time, build momentum. Pretty soon you'll have built a whole new life (and maybe a whole new,leveled up, you) that won't include her. And you'll probably always mourn for what was lost, but the pain will always be all encompassing if you continually dwell on it.

You said you were in another country or something? That's a great place to start! Because you don't have any reminders of time you two spent together. You know, no painful memories of evenings spent at *that* coffee shop, or videos rented from *that* movie rental place, etc. it sounds like you've already taken some good first steps, now just build on them and see what the future holds.

Snake:

If you think there's something there worth fighting for, then absolutely do it. But my initial gut-reaction was "RUN DUDE! RUN FAST!!" Based on what I know of the situation, her behaviors strike me as something I wouldn't tolerate.

The fact that you moved away and then she called you back says to me that she panicked. Now MAYBE she realized that you really are the one and it'll be all lollipops and rainbows from here on out, but it seems unlikely.

I know I STILL struggle with the urge to contact my ex and try strike something up just because I miss the companionship. I miss having SOMEONE. Which strikes me as a very disingenuous reason to have a relationship. Are you sure that's not what's happening with you and her? Or that maybe she only wants you back because she can't find anyone "better"?

/rant.... For now. Lol.

[Artinum]

Radiata, I think first you need to learn to love yourself. You are a lot stronger than you think.

[Jcannon98188]

Radiata, I think first you need to learn to love yourself. You are a lot stronger than you think.

This. I am under the impression that you can't have the capacity to truly love someone else, if you can't even love yourself.

[Tanktimus the Encourager]

This. I am under the impression that you can't have the capacity to truly love someone else, if you can't even love yourself.

This is also truth. It is not selfishness to love oneself, it is in fact necessary to be able to love others. Likely the reason the girl in your past treated you so badly is because she does not love herself either. This does not excuse bad behavior, by any means, but knowing this can help prevent bitterness. Lack of self love can sometimes manifest itself in behaviors that appear cruel, but sometimes in trying to hard to please, that is, trying to keep others happy at the expense of taking care of yourself. May I suggest Radiata that you ask yourself if you have been doing the latter?

[TheSavageBean]

Had a manly moment. Coarse language warning.

My brother always told me that working out builds character. I've heard this platitude before and thought I understood it. Thought "Yeah, having character means being tough as nails." I don't think I really knew what my brother was talking about until today. Bodybuilders talk about the pump, motivational talkers like Plitt talk about the endorphin high from lifting, how it makes you king of the world. All this time I'd been working out I thought I'd experienced those feelings. I thought I knew what it was like to be "pumped up" "focused" "Driven" To be honest I didn't know shit.

I've battled with insomnia and depression, not knowing if I'm coming or going, yo-yo dieting and all that. The last few days I've been on a weight loss plateau, feels like the diet just isn't working. I spend all of the night listening to music quietly in my room trying to sleep. I can't stop my hand idly grabbing my fatty hips, thinking "if only time would pass and I could be at my goal" Eventually it's 4am and I give up going to sleep. I log onto a fitness blog about weight loss and they recommend everything that I'm not doing, carbs after workout, BCAA's, don't go too low in calories, keep your TDEE in mind. The blogger paint a grim but determined picture, "You'll lose all your muscle and your body will stay fat the way you're going" it tells me. I have a plan, I need to stick to it, fuck that guy and fuck his stupid blog.

On my way to gym at 6am, sleep deprived, I can feel the dizziness, hunger from not having eaten, knowing my next meal's not until noon. I walk to gym telling myself "1lb, 1lb is all it'll take and I'll be motivated. If I just lose 1lb." I step on the scale and take a deep breath. I gained 1lb. It's nothing, a fluctuation, it only means I'm still at my plateau. It's meaningless to me. But at the same time I get angry. I'm angry because that stupid blogger might be right, I'm angry because I've been at this plateau for what seems like forever. I'm angry at myself for all that stupid junk I shoved into my stupid mouth. I'm angry because I'm stuck here and it's my own stupid fault and I have noone to blame but myself.

My teeth grit, I go into the cardio theatre and I just start yelling at myself in my head, "You're BETTER than that!" I tell it to myself over and over again. "You're BETTER than that lazy fuck who put you here!" I wanted to do spin bike for cardio, I went treadmill instead, because it was harder and I hated it. I stretched and started running, constantly visualising success, visualising myself never stopping. I ran through the city, I ran through the countryside, I ran to fucking Africa in my head, just focusing on my playlist going "one more song" I spaced out and looked down at the stop button, the go button was right next to it, I kept asking "You gonna stop or are you gonna go?" Eventually sweat was blurring my vision, 'stop' turned into 'error' somehow. It's an error to stop. You can't stop. JUST. FUCKING. GO.

Before I knew it, I was 15 minutes into my run. My challenge goal for this 6 weeks is a 20 minute continuous run. I did it, I SMASHED my goal. I couldn't believe it. Hungry and tired and facing a plateau I fucking achieved a challenge goal. Twice as long as I'd ever run continuously. My workout wasn't even done! For the next hour I pushed weights around in the gym. Every lift and every rep I just wanted to recapture that feeling I had when I broke my goal. Every lift became important. I kept motivating myself to push harder, "Is that all you've got?" and then I'd do another set. Before I knew it the workout was over. My adrenaline was spent. I was done.

When I was outside I just started laughing. I felt like I could do anything. Finally. I felt like I was the king of the world.

Now I'm going to try and get a little sleep. Hopefully this post isn't too embarrassing when I wake up.