Osu

[Mistr]

1 hour ago, Kishi said:

Inasmuch as I can. I have to admit, this notion of losing people as positive is still really new to me. I always told myself that these things were supposed to be worked through, and that they could be; finding out that there are toxicities in personalities that sometimes can't be reconciled is... strange. Necessary, but I don't like it.

 

Fair enough. You want your friends to be decent people. Some of them might grow into decent people when they've dealt with their issues. That is on them, not you. Even if you want to help, chances are good that you are not the person best suited to catalyze their learning experience. It is hard to step back and watch people you like suffer.

 

1 hour ago, Kishi said:

Yeah, I think so. It's just a weird concept to get my head around that someone could want to be friends with my friends but not be friends with me. I don't even take it personally; it's just too weird to think about. I'm like, "I'm friggin' awesome, someone get this guy the memo!"

 

Ummmm, maybe that is the problem? You said he is in this friends group for the ladies. You are another male. If there are in fact signs that the ladies think you are awesome, that makes you his competition for their attention.

 

1 hour ago, Urgan said:

Don't agree to spend your resources on people who don't want to be around you (forecast calls for blue skies with a chance of crazy busy with literally anything else). That includes probably-unstable divorcee lady. What you doin' to yourself, man? Go do some karate with people who like you. Shampoo your apartment floors. Buy a "really needy" pet cat. Visit your parents more often. Donate your time to people who appreciate it. Sit around your place in your PJ's watching edutainment. Whatever is believable, true to you, and shows you're unavailable for shenanigans. "Oh gee, was that gig tonight? I have a really important hair appointment that I put off twice already!"

^^^^^^^^^^^^^This

You already have a bunch of people who want your time. This jackass has shown that he is flaky at best. You know that the BJJ people will be there and glad to train with you. Or maybe you have a great idea you want to get down for your current story. Whatever activity you like, you can probably rank it higher than going to another improv show.

[Treva]

22 minutes ago, Mistr said:

Ummmm, maybe that is the problem? You said he is in this friends group for the ladies. You are another male. If there are in fact signs that the ladies think you are awesome, that makes you his competition for their attention.

This is a heckin' true thing.  You might be competition, which has been a thing known to complicate friendships.

 

A lot of people wiser than I have have already said words on the friend situation.  I don't know if this will help you, but one analysis pattern I like to use is asking myself whether I will feel better about myself if I go do the thing, or if I don't go do the thing.  Sometimes I am more fed by sitting at home, and sometimes I am more fed by going out and doing whatever community obligation I have.  Everyone has given you lots of great reasons to give people when you don't want to go do things, but for me having an "excuse" may not always make me feel better.  Telling myself it's healthier for my brain to not do a thing feeds it into my challenge or whatever it is I'm doing for the month for self betterment.  

You may have already given me this advice so I'm just throwin it back atcha.

 

Anyways.  You're cool and kick lots of butt and I know I haven't said stuff recently but I'm always reading your posts and cheering you on through the interwebs.  

Keep on bein great.

[Urgan]

1 hour ago, Kishi said:

That hair appointment might actually be believable since I have to keep my hair really short due to the way I'm balding out.

 

But what am I doing? I'm being there for people who don't want to be there for me. And as to why, well, that's because I'm ragingly insecure over my sense of self-worth and I don't think that who I am in a relationship is as important as what I do. Which would be one thing if others were doing the work, but they aren't, and that's where the rub is.

 

Whatever it takes, right up to straight up no thank you, I don't want to do that thing. BOOM. 

 

You like to help people and you have insecurities. Welcome to humanity. No but seriously, for the purposes of this topic you don't need to change who you are at your core, just your foreign policy. Although we are all works in progress and that's cool.

 

1 hour ago, Kishi said:

Well, to be clear, I don't comport myself like someone who needs to be looked out for. I'd like to think that I'm not gonna get backstabbed... but... now that you put it that way, suddenly I'm not so sure.

 

I didn't mean that to come off condescending, I just meant friends look out for friends, it's what we do. If they were to backstab, it would probably come from them getting in trouble and trying to save themselves. 

 

48 minutes ago, Mistr said:

Ummmm, maybe that is the problem? You said he is in this friends group for the ladies. You are another male. If there are in fact signs that the ladies think you are awesome, that makes you his competition for their attention.

 

* slaps forehead * This is totally it. This is the issue. Stupid human tricks strike again.

[Tanktimus the Encourager]

3 hours ago, Kishi said:

And as to why, well, that's because I'm ragingly insecure over my sense of self-worth and I don't think that who I am in a relationship is as important as what I do.

Then learning that you really are worthy is going to be more helpful for you than anything else we've been talking about. And here's the thing: your worth has nothing at all to do with what you do. It doesn't even come from who you are. It's everything to do with whose you are. Your worth was determined eons before we were born by the one who created you. My hope for you is that you can let go of trying to be enough and  learn simply to be.

[Kishi]

On ‎5‎/‎17‎/‎2019 at 6:01 PM, Mistr said:

Fair enough. You want your friends to be decent people. Some of them might grow into decent people when they've dealt with their issues. That is on them, not you. Even if you want to help, chances are good that you are not the person best suited to catalyze their learning experience. It is hard to step back and watch people you like suffer.

 

It is. It's hard to watch, and what degree of emotional labor is appropriate becomes really difficult for me to assess and answer for myself. That's part of why I like having so many positive voices here. Y'all keep me straight. "I'm not just a GL... I'm also a client."

 

On ‎5‎/‎17‎/‎2019 at 6:01 PM, Mistr said:

Ummmm, maybe that is the problem? You said he is in this friends group for the ladies. You are another male. If there are in fact signs that the ladies think you are awesome, that makes you his competition for their attention.

 

On ‎5‎/‎17‎/‎2019 at 6:36 PM, Treva said:

This is a heckin' true thing.  You might be competition, which has been a thing known to complicate friendships.

 

On ‎5‎/‎17‎/‎2019 at 6:51 PM, Urgan said:

* slaps forehead * This is totally it. This is the issue. Stupid human tricks strike again.

 

Y'know, I never would have thought of that. Not that I'm trolling for compliments, mind; I just don't think of myself as the kind of person that other men would be jealous of. Or should be, for that matter! I don't do anything that anyone can't do; whatever compelling qualities I have were learned, and if it can be learned it can be taught, meaning that it can be acquired. There's lots of room for both of us to be awesome!

 

Still. It does make sense, though, and while it's never been articulated to me, it would track with what I see as a pattern of emotional dishonesty. It's not just dishonesty with others; it's also dishonesty with himself. I'm not sure which bothers me more.

 

On ‎5‎/‎17‎/‎2019 at 6:01 PM, Mistr said:

You already have a bunch of people who want your time. This jackass has shown that he is flaky at best. You know that the BJJ people will be there and glad to train with you. Or maybe you have a great idea you want to get down for your current story. Whatever activity you like, you can probably rank it higher than going to another improv show.

 

This is true. And there's something in the way you put this that makes it rather stark to me. I'm trying to invest in someone who doesn't want to invest in me, when I have lots of people who want to invest in me that I chose not to invest in for the sake of the one. When you put it that way, it becomes pretty clear what I should do.

 

On ‎5‎/‎17‎/‎2019 at 6:36 PM, Treva said:

A lot of people wiser than I have have already said words on the friend situation.  I don't know if this will help you, but one analysis pattern I like to use is asking myself whether I will feel better about myself if I go do the thing, or if I don't go do the thing.  Sometimes I am more fed by sitting at home, and sometimes I am more fed by going out and doing whatever community obligation I have.  Everyone has given you lots of great reasons to give people when you don't want to go do things, but for me having an "excuse" may not always make me feel better.  Telling myself it's healthier for my brain to not do a thing feeds it into my challenge or whatever it is I'm doing for the month for self betterment.  

You may have already given me this advice so I'm just throwin it back atcha.

 

I dunno if I ever did. I say so many things. But that's damn solid advice and I appreciate it either way.

 

But yeah, you and everyone else have really helped to set the situation in a different light for me. Being there when needed is one thing, but it's not always healthy to be, and that's something I gotta learn to be mindful of and figure out on a case by case basis.

 

But I doubt I'd have ever really even tried to start if y'all hadn't stepped in to help. Thank you, and everyone else.

 

On ‎5‎/‎17‎/‎2019 at 6:36 PM, Treva said:

Anyways.  You're cool and kick lots of butt and I know I haven't said stuff recently but I'm always reading your posts and cheering you on through the interwebs.  

Keep on bein great.

 

Hey, you too! I haven't been great at being up on your business, but I've been hearing good things when I check in to... see? (people hear with their eyes, right? That's how that works? I dunno, I'm not a doctor).

 

On ‎5‎/‎17‎/‎2019 at 6:51 PM, Urgan said:

Whatever it takes, right up to straight up no thank you, I don't want to do that thing. BOOM.

 

And I might just do that too. Be an emotional badass about it and give him the People's Elbow. With my emotions.

 

On ‎5‎/‎17‎/‎2019 at 6:51 PM, Urgan said:

You like to help people and you have insecurities. Welcome to humanity. No but seriously, for the purposes of this topic you don't need to change who you are at your core, just your foreign policy. Although we are all works in progress and that's cool.

 

Yeah, and y'all help me with that. I really appreciate y'all being patient enough and seeing enough in me to want to help. Not that I doubt. I just never want to take you or anyone for granted. Thank you for being my friends.

 

On ‎5‎/‎17‎/‎2019 at 6:51 PM, Urgan said:

I didn't mean that to come off condescending, I just meant friends look out for friends, it's what we do. If they were to backstab, it would probably come from them getting in trouble and trying to save themselves. 

 

No and see that's exactly how it would happen. None of us in this group want to hurt each other and we're all trying to look out for one another, but in trying to sidestep and accommodate one another's issues it's entirely possible that we could set off others. It just gives me an appreciation for how delicate this all is.

 

Also, the site isn't letting me "like" your post, but it's there in spirit, so.

 

On ‎5‎/‎17‎/‎2019 at 9:06 PM, Tanktimus the Encourager said:

Then learning that you really are worthy is going to be more helpful for you than anything else we've been talking about. And here's the thing: your worth has nothing at all to do with what you do. It doesn't even come from who you are. It's everything to do with whose you are. Your worth was determined eons before we were born by the one who created you. My hope for you is that you can let go of trying to be enough and  learn simply to be.

 

Rationally, that's something I know. But it's not something that ever really sank into my bones and became capital-T Truth, even back in my conventionally religious days. I dunno. It's just a hard sell with me. But I guess that's something I have to learn to accept.

 

*

 

So. The weekend turned out to be about as busy as it ever is. Lotta highs and a pretty big low.

 

The highs include getting more pull ups without hurting my elbow, getting back with the fam to restart D&D, getting on the mats to do BJJ and being cited as "senior white belt," which doesn't mean much but just made me happy on a certain level.

 

The big low is that I got the news that my Godfather, who is also my uncle, has been diagnosed with lung cancer. He's elected not to undergo treatment. They've given him 3-6 months.

 

So... yeah. A little scatterbrained today. We were really close when I was growing up and though we grew apart with distance and politics, he's still someone I regard with a lot of affection. So to lose him, and this on top of my losses already this year... it's tough. I'm doing my typical "hold the emotional reaction at a distance so you can function" thing, meaning that it's trying to manifest in anger at everything for not giving me the space to sit and process. Because in my heart, I'm an angry and bitter man, and those are the channels through which most of my feelings tend to run.

 

Which isn't a thing I would have really understood about myself without the help of the Divorcee Friend. We got together for lunch and drinks on Saturday before her inking, and she's caught on to the Jackass Friend's emotional dishonesty. He's started to comport himself as if he's developing an attraction. (which I could see. She's cute. I unfortunately have many attractive friends. ) Which would be one thing if he could manage it - it's tough, but that's what you gotta do sometimes - but I'm not willing to give him the credit for that kind of emotional wisdom. I told her as such, and there was something in sharing that that kind of made friendship a little easier.

 

Afterward I sat with her and read some Marx while she got a tattoo. Took longer than I thought it would, but it's quality work and you can't rush something like that. If you're gonna ritually scar yourself, gotta make it look good.

 

Anyway. Sunday was strength work and boxing and BJJ with its aforementioned goodness. Today will gaming and some conditioning stuffs. Should be good times. One of the players has a friend observing; I have complete and total faith that this will result in dramatics down the line as it has every time this player has brought someone on. But that'll be a problem later. I got enough right now as it is.

[Urgan]

11 minutes ago, Kishi said:

Y'know, I never would have thought of that. Not that I'm trolling for compliments, mind; I just don't think of myself as the kind of person that other men would be jealous of. Or should be, for that matter! I don't do anything that anyone can't do; whatever compelling qualities I have were learned, and if it can be learned it can be taught, meaning that it can be acquired. There's lots of room for both of us to be awesome!

 

Still. It does make sense, though, and while it's never been articulated to me, it would track with what I see as a pattern of emotional dishonesty. It's not just dishonesty with others; it's also dishonesty with himself. I'm not sure which bothers me more.

 

This one is all about him and his insecurities, regardless of who you specifically are. GOOD NEWS, tho--it's not your problem! 

 

13 minutes ago, Kishi said:

And I might just do that too. Be an emotional badass about it and give him the People's Elbow. With my emotions.

 

Just do this and move on with your bad self...around all the volatile people acting weird at you that you can't do nothing about. Far enough away to prod them with a yardstick. You have more valuable places to spend the time you'll never get back.

 

15 minutes ago, Kishi said:

The big low is that I got the news that my Godfather, who is also my uncle, has been diagnosed with lung cancer. He's elected not to undergo treatment. They've given him 3-6 months.

 

I'm sorry, that is a really hard thing to have handed down. Was it a sudden diagnosis? Any chance you can arrange to spend some more time with him now, or has that bridge kinda been burnt?

[Tanktimus the Encourager]

That stinks about your god-father. Hugs man.

[Kishi]

2 hours ago, Urgan said:

This one is all about him and his insecurities, regardless of who you specifically are. GOOD NEWS, tho--it's not your problem!

 

For now. This thing's a time bomb - Divorcee Friend does have a dramatic streak about her and I have no idea how long the fuse is on this thing. When this blows, it's gonna be my problem. I suppose there'll be time enough for it when it happens, but I think it's a when rather than an if.

 

2 hours ago, Urgan said:

Just do this and move on with your bad self...around all the volatile people acting weird at you that you can't do nothing about. Far enough away to prod them with a yardstick. You have more valuable places to spend the time you'll never get back.

 

Agreed.

 

2 hours ago, Urgan said:

I'm sorry, that is a really hard thing to have handed down. Was it a sudden diagnosis? Any chance you can arrange to spend some more time with him now, or has that bridge kinda been burnt?

 

Apparently it was? The only warning he had was shortness of breath and a loss of weight. Couldn't figure out what it was, but nobody thought it was cancer. Heck, given that he made his living as a roofer, I would have for sure figured it'd be skin cancer what got him more than anything else.

 

I don't think that's a burnt bridge. I just... don't know what travel would look like on a practical level. I've got travel perks on my credit card but I'm really nervous about spending money right now - having to identify a lot of bleeds. Definitely gonna give them a call some time.

 

3 hours ago, Tanktimus the Encourager said:

That stinks about your god-father. Hugs man.

 

Thanks.

[Teirin]

3 hours ago, Kishi said:

This is true. And there's something in the way you put this that makes it rather stark to me. I'm trying to invest in someone who doesn't want to invest in me, when I have lots of people who want to invest in me that I chose not to invest in for the sake of the one. When you put it that way, it becomes pretty clear what I should do.

 

100%

 

I'm so sorry about your god-father *hugs*

[Kishi]

2 minutes ago, Teirin said:

 

100%

 

I'm so sorry about your god-father *hugs*

 

Thanks. *hugs* I'm trying to look on the bright side. My uncle's never been the kind of man to go looking for sympathy and he ain't looking for it now. And while he might be going out, at least he's choosing for himself. That's not a choice that a lot of people get to make. So, it's heavy, but it's tempered, you know?

[Tanktimus the Encourager]

1 hour ago, Kishi said:

For now. This thing's a time bomb - Divorcee Friend does have a dramatic streak about her and I have no idea how long the fuse is on this thing. When this blows, it's gonna be my problem. I suppose there'll be time enough for it when it happens, but I think it's a when rather than an if.

 

How on earth is it going to be your problem? If divorcee friend is keeping you at arm's length, she may be doing you a favor, especially if she has a dramatic streak. You don't have to solve all the world's problems, and it sounds like this friend group isn't very friendly to you.

[Kishi]

1 minute ago, Tanktimus the Encourager said:

How on earth is it going to be your problem? If divorcee friend is keeping you at arm's length, she may be doing you a favor, especially if she has a dramatic streak. You don't have to solve all the world's problems, and it sounds like this friend group isn't very friendly to you.

 

I didn't articulate very well. I didn't mean that I was going to solve it, I meant that I was going to be caught in it when it happens. I think the way the relationships are set up, if something major happens, it's gonna affect not just those two but the others as well, and I think that I'm gonna get pulled into it whether I want to be or not. My problem, as I see it, is more about effectively navigating all of this and being good/kind to people who I think are going to need it.

 

But then again, maybe not? I'm usually told about these things after they've happened, and I never even know about it, so maybe there's nothing to worry about.

 

As to their friendliness... I dunno? Like what does that even mean?

[Urgan]

FWIW, I assumed you meant you might be collateral damage. It's not a crazy possibility, but what can you do but your best not to actively step your foot--or both feet--into the bear trap. May you have the wisdom to avoid becoming a casualty of other people's (bad) choices.

[Kishi]

15 hours ago, Urgan said:

FWIW, I assumed you meant you might be collateral damage. It's not a crazy possibility, but what can you do but your best not to actively step your foot--or both feet--into the bear trap. May you have the wisdom to avoid becoming a casualty of other people's (bad) choices.

 

Yeah. There's only so much I can do, but the fact that I'm watchful for something helps my odds somewhat.

 

*

 

So. Monday was done. We finished making characters for the campaigns in Harnmaster; the games should officially start next week. "Kishi, are you saying it took you like a month to make characters in this system?" Yes, yes I am.

 

Still got out in time to go ahead and hit the gym for some quick training. Yoga'd afterward. Felt good.

 

No real plans for the night beyond the usual. I'd really like to get out on the mats and test some of the things I've been shadowboxing; let's see if we can make that happen.

[Kishi]

Tuesday went off the rails from a training perspective. I got a bunch of last minute project emails from the boss, had to stay for those, then had to manage a bunch more stuff and had to stay for that, missed Karate, and boxing was cancelled. I hit leg day, and I did work some shadowboxing in there so it wasn't a waste, but it definitely didn't go the way I wanted it to.

 

Then, got pulled into a renewal of an internet fight with a friend of mine who's waaay on the other side of the issue. If you've been watching the news out of the US, you probably know what it concerns. He's not being very logical in his thinking, though - I'd called him out previously on three separate fallacies he'd based his arguments in, and after all this time away I would have thought he could modify his arguments, but he doubled down instead. He literally said, "I don't think it's fair call it a fallacy because I don't feel like it is."

 

 

Like throwing pearls before swine. Anyway, it was stupid of me to do it, but he said he was going to move on to refuting the other fallacies and I probably could have let him get away with it but I didn't want to, so I wasted a bunch of time trying to show him that his refutation didn't work. Took a lot of time, and went to bed wired off of it, so I didn't get a lot of sleep.

 

As a result, I'm taking a mental health day from work. Plan's to go do some chest training today and to get some writing done. At least the writing's been happening, which is good.

[Teirin]

The point of arguing with people on the internet is as much about whoever is watching as the person you're arguing with.  So less of a waste, if that helps at all.  Hope you can rest tonight and the mental health day helps.  

 

Congrats on the writing!

[Tanktimus the Encourager]

5 hours ago, Kishi said:

Then, got pulled into a renewal of an internet fight with a friend of mine who's waaay on the other side of the issue. If you've been watching the news out of the US, you probably know what it concerns. He's not being very logical in his thinking, though - I'd called him out previously on three separate fallacies he'd based his arguments in, and after all this time away I would have thought he could modify his arguments, but he doubled down instead. He literally said, "I don't think it's fair call it a fallacy because I don't feel like it is."

 

 

[Teirin]

I remain fond of the classic:

 

[sarakingdom]

2 hours ago, Teirin said:

I remain fond of the classic:

 

 

This single stick figure dude has saved me countless sanity points and many hours of my life.

[Kishi]

18 hours ago, Teirin said:

The point of arguing with people on the internet is as much about whoever is watching as the person you're arguing with.  So less of a waste, if that helps at all.  Hope you can rest tonight and the mental health day helps.

 

Agreed, but he decided to take it to the DMs because he was trying to pressure me into confessing something about my position in private. Fun times, I tells ya.

 

The mental health day did help. I feel better.

 

16 hours ago, Tanktimus the Encourager said:

 

 

15 hours ago, Teirin said:

I remain fond of the classic:

 

 

Both of these are excellent and make me happy.

 

*

 

Chest training and writing both happened. The day was quiet and solitary. The fight hit a lull when he asked how I was and I complained about my life; he somehow got the impression I might be suicidal (which to be clear, I'm not, and I don't know how he got that idea) and he's been quiet ever since. Whatever. I'll take some peace and quiet.

 

There really wasn't much to yesterday, which was good. Got the chance to just sit and breathe for a while. Went out to visit my friend for normal Wednesday night gatherings; we've switched over to Chernobyl, which is gunning for GoT's viewership. It's good, y'all. Really good. Like as docudramas go, it's been favorably compared to Band of Brothers, and it absolutely does rate. It's like this weird blend of true, kaiju, and eldritch horror and the acting is superb. It's a hard watch, but it's damned good. Absolutely recommend.

 

Anyway, today I am paying for my sick day, as I usually do, but I've been productive this week and while it's not pretty, they can't be too bothered about me. Can probably get away with sneaking out to do karate and BJJ, but we'll see how it happens. I've been talking like I'm gonna do it for a while and haven't been. So. We'll see.

[WhiteGhost]

Nice to see you feeling better.  Thank heavens for mental health days

[Kishi]

3 hours ago, WhiteGhost said:

Nice to see you feeling better.  Thank heavens for mental health days

 

They're good when they happen. I honestly think we don't rate them highly enough around here.

 

*

 

So I didn't get to sneak out and BJJ was cancelled on account of the coach's day job getting in the way. Elected to stay late and work on cases and finished the day frustrated and upset with myself that I'm allowing the job to drive me like it does. It honestly doesn't rate my devotion to it. But I've let everyone get into my head about what's good work and I know better than they do. That's not arrogance, it's just fact, and I have data to prove it.

 

Got to the gym, did some back stuff. Couldn't raise overall volume on pull ups but was able to get more in a single set, which feels like a win to me. Using a hook grip to keep my elbow calm, which seems to work. The program also calls for bicep curls, which I mean. I like them, but I have to adjust how I do them so I go from a neutral grip to a supinated grip as I curl in. It's like I'm guiding the weight around the hurt spot, but it seems to work and I feel it in my biceps afterward. So that's good, I think.

 

Gonna have a meeting with my bosses today over my chronically late arrival times. That should be fun. I suppose my recent uptick in productivity isn't going to count for much. Oh well. Nothing for it but to take it on the chin and then proceed to come in on time no matter how little sleep I get for the next few months. Also, still need to work on getting to bed on time - I keep thinking I have it figured out and then I don't. So it's not like it's a baseless criticism.

[Urgan]

43 minutes ago, Kishi said:

But I've let everyone get into my head about what's good work and I know better than they do. That's not arrogance, it's just fact, and I have data to prove it.

 

We have coworkers, we know what those are like. 

 

46 minutes ago, Kishi said:

Gonna have a meeting with my bosses today over my chronically late arrival times. That should be fun. I suppose my recent uptick in productivity isn't going to count for much. Oh well. Nothing for it but to take it on the chin and then proceed to come in on time no matter how little sleep I get for the next few months. Also, still need to work on getting to bed on time - I keep thinking I have it figured out and then I don't. So it's not like it's a baseless criticism.

 

Coming in late often, leaving late often. I fail to see the big problem unless you're dealing with a clock nazi. Considering your place of employ, this is likely. 

[Kishi]

5 minutes ago, Urgan said:

Coming in late often, leaving late often. I fail to see the big problem unless you're dealing with a clock nazi. Considering your place of employ, this is likely. 

 

Yup. It's this one in particular. "You may not do a good job by coming in on time, but you will come in on time." Because that makes sense.

[Urgan]

2 minutes ago, Kishi said:

Yup. It's this one in particular. "You may not do a good job by coming in on time, but you will come in on time." Because that makes sense.

 

You come in late because you leave late enough that you're all jacked up trying to play catch-up and cram in what you can around the edges. Yes? If so, the solution presents itself--leave on time when at all possible no matter what the voices in your head think. My one fear is they expect you to work until all hours to get the job done and come in on the dot in the morning. How's the job hunting going?