Anybody else catch flak for losing weight?

[basscrack]

I got the same " it's so easy to men to loose weight" from my best friend's fiancee.

 

"Easy? EASY!? Just because I am effective at it does not mean it is easy. I work out 5-6 days a week, giving 100% every time till I am a sweaty mess barely able to walk home from the gym. Don't you dare say it is easy for me because of my gender."

 

It was a little sassy, and has put a bit of a rift in my relationship with my friend as his fiancee is not a big fan of me anymore. It's heart breaking really, this is the dude that brought me back from the brink, he gave me my second life and now I see him maybe once a month...

 

Anyone saying losing weight is easy is a tard. However, I will stand behind the fact that it is easIER for men to lose weight than women mostly because of our body chemistry (and the chemicals we put into our bodies, like birth control). I think also psychologically it may be easIER for men to lose weight than women since we tend to get more emotionally attached to things in general -- like food (ever seen a PMSing chick with a tub of ice cream/bowl of pasta/fried food/comfort food of choice?). That's certainly no reason for a woman to get angry at a man for losing weight. It is also a vast generalization and doesn't necessarily ring true for everyone... some guys get super attached to food and some women have amazing metabolisms that make shedding weight/not gaining way easier for them than it is for others.

[UberTumbleweed]

When I really think about the people -- men or women -- who have it "easy" with their weight, I notice something.

 

They all work really hard at it and never whine about it.

 

It's not hard to miss that they are working on it hard when they're not whining about it.  When I feel snippy and snarky because my friends breeze past me in the fitness department, I try to remember to think: What are they doing right that I'm not doing?  And I'm always able to find something they're working on that I'm ignoring.

 

My mom gives me a hard time for how "easy" it is for me to lose weight.  She can't lose weight as easily because she's older, she "has a messed up metabolism", she's tired, she's busy, etc.  But one of us works out 5-7 times a week and walks many places, and the other skips exercising whenever possible and does little to no non-exercise activity.  I'm not losing weight easily; but I'm not whining to her about being in the gym, so she doesn't realize how hard I work.

[hearthsinger]

I actually got some flak last night from a good friend of mine. She is working on losing weight (sort of low carb, but she doesn't stick to it at all) and called me an 'asshole' for losing close to 30 pounds, blaming it on males losing weight faster than females. Honestly, I didn't handle it as well as I should have and I feel bad about it. I did Weight Watchers for about a year and ended up quitting (and gaining it all back) because the nasty comments the women in the meetings would say about me losing weight. They never asked how I did it, just got angry at me for losing. This made me a bit sensitive to those sort of comments.

 

Now, I need to go apologize to my friend.

I can understand her frustration and I would never say that it's "easy" for anyone to lose weight, regardless of gender. Men just lose weight differently than women do. I find that the women who are bothered by that are more focused on the "big picture" result at the finish line than the importance of everything they learn about their bodies, fitness, and nutrition along the way. Their journey is inherently about COMPARING themselves to other people instead of becoming the best possible "them" they can be, and that's really sad and damaging to the psyche. If they don't celebrate the journey and all the lessons/mini goals they pass, then there's no way they're going to be able to maintain once they get to their goal weight. Try not to let little things like that bother you. Yeah, men do lose weight faster than women, but that doesn't mean it's an easy job. Sometimes it's just hard for us ladies to put in crazy amounts of effort and be limited by gender in terms of the number the scale shows- or any other number of factors. You just keep on keeping on. When they're ready to accept their progress for what it is, then they'll be ready to take real strides towards better health.

[Flex Luthor]

Here's a little perspective for everyone in this thread that I think we all needed to be reminded of. Something I was thinking about recently. 2 weeks ago I bench pressed 305lbs for a new PR. One of the easiest lifts I've ever done. Someone witnessing it would have thought it looked easy for me because it was. But why was it easy? It was easy because it was preceded by 7 years of hard work. Without those 7 years of work, I would have been crushed. People on the outside don't see this, just the result and how easy it looked for me.

 

It's the exact same reason people say athletes like Michael Jordan are lucky because basketball comes so easily to them. It's a really confusing topic because the hard work that Michael Jordan does is talked about all the time but the only thing people actually see is how ridiculously good he is. Basketball IS easy for Michael Jordan. Swimming IS easy for Michael Phelps. Golf IS easy for Tiger Woods. The reason it's easy NOW is decades of hard work but without experiencing that, without being with those athletes every single day no one will ever understand what it takes to make it easy. Something to remember that's helped me gain a lot of patience with other people.

[basscrack]

Here's a little perspective for everyone in this thread that I think we all needed to be reminded of. Something I was thinking about recently. 2 weeks ago I bench pressed 305lbs for a new PR. One of the easiest lifts I've ever done. Someone witnessing it would have thought it looked easy for me because it was. But why was it easy? It was easy because it was preceded by 7 years of hard work. Without those 7 years of work, I would have been crushed. People on the outside don't see this, just the result and how easy it looked for me.

 

It's the exact same reason people say athletes like Michael Jordan are lucky because basketball comes so easily to them. It's a really confusing topic because the hard work that Michael Jordan does is talked about all the time but the only thing people actually see is how ridiculously good he is. Basketball IS easy for Michael Jordan. Swimming IS easy for Michael Phelps. Golf IS easy for Tiger Woods. The reason it's easy NOW is decades of hard work but without experiencing that, without being with those athletes every single day no one will ever understand what it takes to make it easy. Something to remember that's helped me gain a lot of patience with other people.

This is a really awesome point. It really is about where you stand.

[BarefootViking]

On the topic of easy/hard I think a lot of it has to do with the mental associations we make with food, working out and so on combined with the excuses we make to try and take the easy road.  "I'm depressed, give me ice cream" is primarily a learned thing.  Saying you are too tired to go to they gym, or just too busy today is an excuse to avoid pain/effort, which is human nature. 

 

As for getting flack for working out, not yet, but I have a feeling it will come.

[Twentythree]

I have 1 friend who practically prides himself on being a fat, pale, outta shape IT nerd. 

 

He was kinda messing with me yesterday, when I was complaining about having sore everything. I forget exactly what he said, but was something along the lines of "you're already skinny and have a hot wife, you're wasting your time working out. That's really stupid." To which I replied, "If you really have a problem with me improving myself, we're not really friends." That shut him down rather quickly.

 

He called me this morning, apologized and said he's just jealous. Of course, I told him about NF, how it has inspired and motivated me, and sent an email with success stories. He texted me back saying "I can do this too!".  Made me happy, and I told him I'd help him anyway I can.

 

It's one thing to get crap for a valid mistake/accident/bad choice, but not for self-improvement.  Anyone I love who is making an earnest effort for self-improvement gets mega-props and encouragement from me!

[Spider-Dan]

Well said, BV. We all need to change those voices in our heads.

[Spider-Dan]

23 - nice job! Way to turn a negative into a positive. If your friend really wants help, then he will find tons of it here.

[Katariana]

I totally get the easy/hard thing about working out. I've been running for ...5 years now I think. And now I can run long distances, and its pretty easy. In fact, running relaxes and makes me happy. (Yeah, I turned into one of -those-people). But I hear a lot of 'I wish I could run long distances' ' I wish I was a runner' 'Its so lucky you can do that' 'Oh, Im just not built to be a runner'

 

And I always respond the same way. Im wasn't built to be a runner either. I couldnt finish the mile in high school. In fact, when I was 19 or 20 I still had to stop to walk 3-4 times just to get through a mile, and I thought it would kill me. But I stuck to it and put in a lot of hard work, and now I can run 10 or 11 miles without stopping to walk. Now I enjoy it.

 

And the people who are "built" like runners are built that way because their bodies have adapted to that exercises. I still remember when my mom came to visit me in college after I hadnt seen her for over a year. This is the woman who raised me, knew what high school gym was like for me, and saw me every day before college. The first thing she said to me was "Wow, you changed..you look different...you..actually you look like a runner." 

[I-Jo]

that's only true to a degree.   I was a runner in HS.  I never looked like a runner.  I ran quiet a bit in college.  I still didn't "LOOK" like a runner.   ANd when I had to do something with a girl who was 2" taller and probably 15-20 lbs leaner- very runner looking- I smoked her ass.   I now don't run- and don't train to be a runner at all- but I can still do it.  

 

But I do understand your point- lol the body is amazing at adapting.  

 

My biggest beef/complaint is people who say oh you can because you don't have XX.  This is 90% of the time coming from married spouse with kids.  I have people who push off appointments with trainers.  Who tell me I"m good at what I do because I don't have a family.  

it's really bloody insulting.  

 

You're right- I don't have a family.  I have two jobs.  And a hobby I am fiercely devoted to.  I practice and train for that as much as I can- I put hundreds of hours and dollars into it.... to include all the logistical stuff.  

 

It's not because I have so much free time- it's because I'm dedicated and love doing what I do and I'm committed to it and I make time and prioritize.  Period.  don't make up excuses for me that are really for you.  

It's insulting.  grumble grumble... 

[Katariana]

Haha yeah, there was more of an overall point of the body adapting to that story, I realize its not completely true for everyone. I'm also short and curvy, so I never looked like...tall and lean either. But I had lost weight and according to my mother "my butt changed shape". Then again, I didnt run at all until my early 20s so that could be why it seemed like so much of a difference to me.

[MasterOfCows]

I have a bit of a tangent question.  When does "I'm just getting healthy and people are just jealous" turn into actually BEING unhealthy?  I'm not criticizing anyone here of that, but I have a friend who I'm legitimately worried about.  She's 5'10 or 5'11 and I would doubt she weighs 130 with soaking wet clothes.  She posts pictures on FB of her treadmill/elliptical or stair climber workouts of how many calories she's burned - most are well over the 1000 mark, I think the highest I've seen was 1800.  This is 5 or 6 days a week, and the girl barely eats!  I would be very surprised if she hits 1200 calories a day.  And she still thinks she needs to lose 8-10 lbs, even though most people would kill to have her body.  A couple of us have tried mentioning some things to her in an offhand kind of way (like giving NROLW for Christmas), but she just laughs it off or gets defensive.  Suggestions??

[Katariana]

You know, I thought of that too - that occasionally people are right when they mention a person being too extreme, because that person has a problem. I'm not sure when to tell the difference. I would guess if that person is coming across as unhealthy, weak, or has a seriously negative self image. Like the article on Staci when she was talking about being too weak to lift a 5lb dumbbell and was always exhausted even though she slept a million hours, and always had bags under her eyes. It was from malnutrition. And Ive had a friend since high school who has always seriously hated her body (even though she is very very tall and thin) and her negativity was easy to spot after you knew her long enough  - never ate in front of people, always talked about looking bad, said weird things in passing like "prom is in a few days, so I havent eaten since Monday and Ive been doing 1000 situps a day". 

 

Anyways, as far as your friend goes....I guess just try to see if she seems healthy and happy or not. Over 1000 calories in cardio a day seems pretty steep unless she is training for something. Its a tough one.

[BarefootViking]

I totally get the easy/hard thing about working out. I've been running for ...5 years now I think. And now I can run long distances, and its pretty easy. In fact, running relaxes and makes me happy. (Yeah, I turned into one of -those-people). But I hear a lot of 'I wish I could run long distances' ' I wish I was a runner' 'Its so lucky you can do that' 'Oh, Im just not built to be a runner'

 

And I always respond the same way. Im wasn't built to be a runner either. I couldnt finish the mile in high school. In fact, when I was 19 or 20 I still had to stop to walk 3-4 times just to get through a mile, and I thought it would kill me. But I stuck to it and put in a lot of hard work, and now I can run 10 or 11 miles without stopping to walk. Now I enjoy it.

 

And the people who are "built" like runners are built that way because their bodies have adapted to that exercises. I still remember when my mom came to visit me in college after I hadnt seen her for over a year. This is the woman who raised me, knew what high school gym was like for me, and saw me every day before college. The first thing she said to me was "Wow, you changed..you look different...you..actually you look like a runner." 

 

LOL  Makes me wonder how long it would take for me to look like a runner...  Personally I will by happy to just lope along for 4-5 miles again.

[DChristian]

Coworkers tease my wife and I about our healthy eating, but it's all in fun and they've said they envy our discipline.

[basscrack]

I think the question about going to extremes to get "healthy" become unhealthy is important. I think most some of the people who give us flak about losing weight are genuinely concerned (at least to some degree) because so many people crash diet and do things like burn 1800 calories a day. I know the first time I lost a bunch of weight, I didn't do it the right way. I also didn't purposely starve myself, I was just going through a ton of life changes and not necessarily taking care of myself. One of my friends still quotes a conversation we had during that period of my life where she pointed out that I was losing a lot of weight and asked if I was eating and I laughed and said "No." I was working 45+ hours a week (in a restaurant), had just broken up and moved out of the house of my boyfriend of 5 years and was virtually squatting wherever I ended up every night for three months. I had been trying to lose weight the right way and count calories right before it all happened, so I was still shunning some unhealthy foods like fried and fast food, which made food options limited. It got to a point where I just wasn't making time to eat properly. I was also going out and drinking every night, often skipping dinner because there wasn't a convenient way to get a healthy dinner. I had some weight to lose, so dropping 25 lbs like this put me into the "normal" weight range, but it certainly wasn't healthy.

 

My point here is, sometimes people's concerns are justified. The only real way to tell if someone is taking it too far is to find out their eating habits and routines and use your knowledge of health and fitness to analyze them. Keep in mind, they won't like being judged any more than you do. The most you can ever do is share your knowledge and give them advice, you can't force them to take it or change their habits, and don't be surprised if they get just as annoyed and resentful as you would if someone told you that you were doing it wrong.

 

The rest of the people are just jealous. And they don't deserve the waste of your time and energy unless they want help. Everyone has an opinion, and some people can't keep it to themselves. Like a guy I know, who is super built and in great shape, that tells me to quit losing weight every time I see him. I'm a good 20 lbs away from being slim or athletic, and just because you like a little meat on your women doesn't mean I want to look that way. Nor am I your woman.

[Elder]

My Mom freaks out about it, says that I don't need to "starve myself" (I don't) and that I'm just big-boned, despite blood tests showing signs of non-alcoholic fatty liver and high cholesterol.

I have had lots of good feedback about my decision to get in shape and start living a healthier lifestyle.  But my mom made a comment when I first started.  I had been focusing on eating healthy and I wasn't working out so I lost a lot of fat and I looked good.  She told me to stop losing weight and tried to get me to eat a bunch of terrible foods, almost trying to sabotage my new lifestyle.  I was really hurt and disappointed that she didn't get what I was trying to accomplish.  

Now that I have my eating habits under control and a lot more healthier I have started working out again and I am seeing a lot more definition in my muscles!  I don't in the same town as my mom so the next time I see her (over Easter) I hope she will be more supportive and see that I am putting on muscle and am in better physical shape than I was.

[Katariana]

Yeah, I think when it comes to comments about yourself, you normally know to some extent if you're loosing weight in a healthy way or not. I get negative comments sometimes from my mom (I spend too much time thinking about health related stuff, I "count every calorie" which isn't actually true, I'm too obsessed, etc) but I know that what I do isn't extreme -it's just healthy, informed eating and exercise. And it just takes a lot of effort and thought sometimes. 

 

Its harder to tell if you're the one concerned, but, I think if you voice your concerns in a positive, open way, hopefully you can talk to that person. And if not, it's also their life. Even if you find out that they are loosing weight in an unhealthy way, there's not a ton you, or anyone else can do it about it. It's up to them to change. 

[hearthsinger]

I have 1 friend who practically prides himself on being a fat, pale, outta shape IT nerd. 

 

He was kinda messing with me yesterday, when I was complaining about having sore everything. I forget exactly what he said, but was something along the lines of "you're already skinny and have a hot wife, you're wasting your time working out. That's really stupid." To which I replied, "If you really have a problem with me improving myself, we're not really friends." That shut him down rather quickly.

 

He called me this morning, apologized and said he's just jealous. Of course, I told him about NF, how it has inspired and motivated me, and sent an email with success stories. He texted me back saying "I can do this too!".  Made me happy, and I told him I'd help him anyway I can.

 

It's one thing to get crap for a valid mistake/accident/bad choice, but not for self-improvement.  Anyone I love who is making an earnest effort for self-improvement gets mega-props and encouragement from me!

 

This is awesome I had a similar experience with two of my best friends. They are a couple and they're like family to me and they've been really supportive through most of this, but they started saying things like, "I could never do what you do." "You eat too little. I would starve." Then they started weight watchers. They weren't obese like I was when I started this at 250 lbs, but I think they wanted to feel good about themselves and get fit and stop feeling like they were greasy and full of pizza all the time. The guy kept complaining that he wasn't making progress as fast as I was. "well," I said. "Do you work out?" He said no and that if he tried to do stuff in his apartment his neighbors complained. I told him that was valid but that he has a very expendable income and that maybe instead of buying a billion pieces of computer hardware and pretending to be Tony Stark, he could funnel some of that money towards a gym membership. He grumbled about it, but then he ACTUALLY DID IT. And now they're so excited that they get to meet up and go to a real gym after work. I'm excited because I can see the change, especially in him. He wants to see results and to drop the extra weight. I'm really proud of him because I know sometimes jumping over the hurdle of those first sets of excuses can be really hard.

 

I totally get the easy/hard thing about working out. I've been running for ...5 years now I think. And now I can run long distances, and its pretty easy. In fact, running relaxes and makes me happy. (Yeah, I turned into one of -those-people). But I hear a lot of 'I wish I could run long distances' ' I wish I was a runner' 'Its so lucky you can do that' 'Oh, Im just not built to be a runner'

 

And I always respond the same way. Im wasn't built to be a runner either. I couldnt finish the mile in high school. In fact, when I was 19 or 20 I still had to stop to walk 3-4 times just to get through a mile, and I thought it would kill me. But I stuck to it and put in a lot of hard work, and now I can run 10 or 11 miles without stopping to walk. Now I enjoy it.

 

And the people who are "built" like runners are built that way because their bodies have adapted to that exercises. I still remember when my mom came to visit me in college after I hadnt seen her for over a year. This is the woman who raised me, knew what high school gym was like for me, and saw me every day before college. The first thing she said to me was "Wow, you changed..you look different...you..actually you look like a runner." 

 

Yeah I've only been running for three weeks (with other types of working out), but I'm noticing as I slim down that I'm actually starting to stand taller and more alligned. Everything about me is getting that "leaner" look, which I'm a fan of. I just got asked to go to a family event in a few months. They haven't seen me for two years. It's gonna be insanity when I show up over 100 lbs lighter. LOL I'm not sure if I'll enjoy that or be like, "errrrrrrrrrrrr.... next!"

 

that's only true to a degree.   I was a runner in HS.  I never looked like a runner.  I ran quiet a bit in college.  I still didn't "LOOK" like a runner.   ANd when I had to do something with a girl who was 2" taller and probably 15-20 lbs leaner- very runner looking- I smoked her ass.   I now don't run- and don't train to be a runner at all- but I can still do it.  

 

But I do understand your point- lol the body is amazing at adapting.  

 

My biggest beef/complaint is people who say oh you can because you don't have XX.  This is 90% of the time coming from married spouse with kids.  I have people who push off appointments with trainers.  Who tell me I"m good at what I do because I don't have a family.  

it's really bloody insulting.  

 

You're right- I don't have a family.  I have two jobs.  And a hobby I am fiercely devoted to.  I practice and train for that as much as I can- I put hundreds of hours and dollars into it.... to include all the logistical stuff.  

 

It's not because I have so much free time- it's because I'm dedicated and love doing what I do and I'm committed to it and I make time and prioritize.  Period.  don't make up excuses for me that are really for you.  

It's insulting.  grumble grumble... 

 

I agree with this 100%. I don't have a family. I'm an actor/writer/producer and I have a blog, a novel, auditions, and a webseries I wrote and starred in going through post production. Oh yeah. And I'm a tour guide three-five times a week. So no. I don't have kids. I have dreams. And I work for them tirelessly every day. ANNNND that's sort of the same as having kids, right? I have another friend who lies to his wife about stuff because if he told the truth, they'd break up. So "he lies for the kids." I see where his anxiety stems from, but it seems REALLY unhealthy to me and when I voiced that concern as a close friend, he basically had an outburst and was all, "WHAT DO YOU KNOW YOU DON'T GET WHAT I GO THROUGH." I was just all, "Lyin' is bad...mkaaay?" I don't know. I'm just tired of being villainized for not having kids. That excuse always annoys me because I do empathize with the stress that parents have. 

 

I have a bit of a tangent question.  When does "I'm just getting healthy and people are just jealous" turn into actually BEING unhealthy?  I'm not criticizing anyone here of that, but I have a friend who I'm legitimately worried about.  She's 5'10 or 5'11 and I would doubt she weighs 130 with soaking wet clothes.  She posts pictures on FB of her treadmill/elliptical or stair climber workouts of how many calories she's burned - most are well over the 1000 mark, I think the highest I've seen was 1800.  This is 5 or 6 days a week, and the girl barely eats!  I would be very surprised if she hits 1200 calories a day.  And she still thinks she needs to lose 8-10 lbs, even though most people would kill to have her body.  A couple of us have tried mentioning some things to her in an offhand kind of way (like giving NROLW for Christmas), but she just laughs it off or gets defensive.  Suggestions??

 

This is an important question and it is really hard to deal with. I'll just speak to it as someone who did have anorexia and bulimia and NEEDED my friends to help pull me out of the cycle. 

 

If you can get her one on one, in a situation where she's not confronting food or at the gym, that's the best place to have the conversation. Personally, when I was at a restaurant or coffee shop, I was surrounded by things that triggered fear or panic for me when I was sick. You don't want to approach it when she already feels under attack from food itself. Open it up by saying you've seen her burns and wow she must work really hard at the gym. Ask her what she does and how much/how often. Is she tired? Ask her what her goal is? A lot of times people with eating disorders will have insanely vague goals like "I'll know when I'm done." It's not about being fit for a lifetime. It's about feeling like you matter or that you've lived up to expectations (or at least that's how I was. They're not like the people on these forums who can say My goal is to do THIS MANY SQUATS with PERFECT FORM. People who overexercise and have eating disorders are on an impossible quest for perfection that they can't really quantify and that's why it goes on and on. 

 

So once you have that information you'll get a picture. Does she weight train? If not, why? If it's that cardio burns more calories and therefor more fat (in her mind), then that could be another hint that she's doing this for the wrong reasons. Maybe she's afraid of gaining muscle weight. 

 

Once she's given you her "goals" ask her what does does for her diet. You'll be able to tell if it's ridiculous. If it's under a 1000 calories, she probably has a problem, no doubt. The way my friends got to me was simply presenting me with undeniable facts. As in, "So you're only consuming 600 calories a day, yet in dance class, going to the gym twice a day, and at rehearsals, you're probably burning well over 1500." Then they showed me some literature on starvation mode. And they said they wanted me to be healthy and happy and eventually I stopped being defensive and started crumbling because when you have a disorder (or atleast when I did), you KNOW what you're doing is wrong. It's not like I didn't realize that I was abusing your body. Just start breaking down her excuses with as many facts as you can and eventually she'll have to concede (if only to herself) that what she's doing is wrong. The most important part is to realize that you'll need to be there for her when she crumbles if it turns out there is a problem. My friends just sort of said stuff and then left me because it was awkward and I started eating EVERYTHING and binging and I gained over 100 lbs in 6 years. I realize I'm the most to blame for that, but food became my support and my comfort. I lost any of the progress I'd made and I became heavier than ever before. What's more I was AFRAID of dieting because I didn't want to face the demons I'd faced before. If I had my friends, seen a nutritionist, and maybe talked to some training professionals on the gym, I might have gotten on track a lot better. Who can say, really?

 

Just watch your body language, try to approach her about it in a place where she feels safe, and do everything you can to speak softly and in concerned tones. It will be REALLY HARD. She might not appreciate it at first, but you could be saving her life. I know my friends did and I'll never stop appreciating how hard that conversation must have been to initiate. Sorry for the lengthiness of this response but I thought a different perspective might be helpful if anyone has their eye on someone they think needs help.

[Spider-Dan]

MasterofCows - Your friend needs an intervention. I don't want to sound like a jerk. I am not meaning to be one at all. I think your friend probably has something akin to body dysmorphic disorder. That is when you are completely unaware of what your body looks like from a realistic point of view. A classic example of the disorder is Michael Jackson. Here is a wiki: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Body_dysmorphic_disorder

A self quiz:

http://www.pamguide.com.au/anxiety/bdd_test.php

I knew a girl like this about 6 years ago. She was at the gym every morning at 5am and there for 3 hours. She was skinny as a twig. What she really needed was to gain about 15 pounds. If she had, she would look healthy and fit. She didn't she looked like she came from a 3rd world country that was suffering a famine.

[MasterOfCows]

Thanks for all the responses.  I really appreciate the perspectives.  Unfortunately, she lives in a different city, and I only see her about once a year now.  So I don't know how many of my fears/worries are completely justified.  I know she has super low self esteem, and doesn't see what everyone else sees when she looks in the mirror.  I do know that she was on the brink of an eating disorder while she modelled as a teenager.  I also know she really likes cardio.  I know that she gets super defensive when anything she does in her life gets questioned by anyone.  She is always tired, but she works long shift hours and is a single mother of a toddler, so there's some confounding factors at play there.  I don't think she looks super unhealthy at the moment (besides the fact that I think she would look better with some more muscle), but I can easily see it going there.  I did get her the NROLW for Christmas, but I don't know if she's even opened it.

I think the situation probably requires some monitoring, but perhaps not direct action at the moment.  Maybe I can get her to "bond" with me over some workout stuff now that I'm going to the gym regularly as well.

[robocoastie]

I scared the wife a little when I went from 112Kg to 94Kg in 2 months. Well, I scared the mother-in-law who then put the fear into my wife. But hey, I went paleo and the weight just fell away.

 

 Then I went down to 91Kg with Steve' beginner bodyweight workout. She started getting real bitter. Started poking me in bed calling me bony and saying I was unhealthy and setting a bad example for our daughter. It's now 3 months later and Im lifting heavy, eating BIG paleo meals and weigh 98Kg. And the only way is up!

 

 I feel AWESOME! Right up to the point where she rolls her eyes at me as I head out to the garage for a workout or I find her looking in the mirror with a miserable expression on her face. Forget trying to encourage her to join me, thats a great way for me to get slapped or told to "F**K OFF!"

 

Hard to keep that good feeling.

 

 

A little necro posting here but speaking as a complete stranger on the internet that doesn't bode well for your relationship.

I used to have a wife (divorced) who would sabotage my weight lose efforts, bringing in sweets, cookies, chips, buying those types of things and keeping them in the house after I asked her not to (I have no control over myself in that regard if I see it I eat it, so I don't buy it anymore).

If the person who loves you the most can't back you on your quest to be healthy, and they themselves are unhappy it will become much harder for you to keep up your new good habits. Sit down and have a come to Jesus meeting with her, tell her how great you feel, tell her she needs to try it and she needs to stop trying to make you feel bad about it.

[hearthsinger]

A little necro posting here but speaking as a complete stranger on the internet that doesn't bode well for your relationship.

I used to have a wife (divorced) who would sabotage my weight lose efforts, bringing in sweets, cookies, chips, buying those types of things and keeping them in the house after I asked her not to (I have no control over myself in that regard if I see it I eat it, so I don't buy it anymore).

If the person who loves you the most can't back you on your quest to be healthy, and they themselves are unhappy it will become much harder for you to keep up your new good habits. Sit down and have a come to Jesus meeting with her, tell her how great you feel, tell her she needs to try it and she needs to stop trying to make you feel bad about it.

 

I totally agree that our loved ones/husbands/wives/sig-o's should support us and if they are sabotaging our efforts, it should be addressed early and earnestly. You need to protect your process as best you can. However I don't think BigJim78's post included evidence of sabotage, just jealousy.

 

As far as telling her "she needs to try it," I don't agree with that. We all come to health (or not!) in our own ways and implying that she NEEDS to do something because you are seems wrong to me. Saying "I wish you would try this with me" would probably be a better received approach. 

 

I would also hazard one other thing (and this is coming from a recovering food addict). You can only control you. At some point, you can't expect everyone around you to do exactly what you do in order to make it easier. It would be really nice if people offered support in that way, but you can't always expect it. I live with a room mate and my boyfriend loves food. He totally supports me and doesn't complain when I alter the meals we share to suit my dietary needs, but if he wants me to make him a bacon cheeseburger and he asks nicely, I'm going to do it even if I don't get to eat one alongside him. My room mate has all sorts of baked goods, chips, and other snacks around the house. I'm not about to tell her to stop buying that stuff. It's none of my business how she wants to conduct her health. The sooner we learn that we can't control the behavior of others, the sooner we can figure out how we're going to handle temptation and willpower in the real world. We need support from our loved ones, but we can't expect them to do the same diet/fitness program that we desire. Even if they do try it and end up not liking it, they'll just end up resenting you for making them feel like they have to comply in order to keep the relationship going.

[basscrack]

I totally agree that our loved ones/husbands/wives/sig-o's should support us and if they are sabotaging our efforts, it should be addressed early and earnestly. You need to protect your process as best you can. However I don't think BigJim78's post included evidence of sabotage, just jealousy.

 

As far as telling her "she needs to try it," I don't agree with that. We all come to health (or not!) in our own ways and implying that she NEEDS to do something because you are seems wrong to me. Saying "I wish you would try this with me" would probably be a better received approach. 

 

I would also hazard one other thing (and this is coming from a recovering food addict). You can only control you. At some point, you can't expect everyone around you to do exactly what you do in order to make it easier. It would be really nice if people offered support in that way, but you can't always expect it. I live with a room mate and my boyfriend loves food. He totally supports me and doesn't complain when I alter the meals we share to suit my dietary needs, but if he wants me to make him a bacon cheeseburger and he asks nicely, I'm going to do it even if I don't get to eat one alongside him. My room mate has all sorts of baked goods, chips, and other snacks around the house. I'm not about to tell her to stop buying that stuff. It's none of my business how she wants to conduct her health. The sooner we learn that we can't control the behavior of others, the sooner we can figure out how we're going to handle temptation and willpower in the real world. We need support from our loved ones, but we can't expect them to do the same diet/fitness program that we desire. Even if they do try it and end up not liking it, they'll just end up resenting you for making them feel like they have to comply in order to keep the relationship going.

This is full of great advice. I don't think robocoastie's intentions were extreme, but I do think you brought up some great points. The bit about not being able to control those around you especially resonates with me. It can be really difficult to live with people who don't share your dietary habits, and even harder sometimes when they want to go out/do things to promote bad behavior/eating and can make you feel guilty for denying them/bringing them down when you can't partake (and sometimes there's not a healthy alternative without them having to make changes, too). I think it's important that everyone who is really determined to create a permanent healthy lifestyle learn to deal with these issues.