Personal Questions

[BeckyBuckeye]

ARGH.

 

Last night, my (follow me here) boyfriend's sister's husband chatted me on Facebook, "When u getting married?"  Opened the chat with that (followed by trying to cover his tracks with "just wondering if he proposed yet."  Yeah, like you wouldn't know).  Annoying spelling and grammar aside, I barely know this guy.  He and I have been in the same room quite a few times, but I think the chat is literally the first time the two of us have had a direct conversation.  I got the same question from Boyfriend's aunt at Christmas.  Why do people think that it's an appropriate question to ask?  Frankly, it's none of their business and my boyfriend has been very blunt about telling them so when they ask him, which is why they're now asking me.  It's not my family, so I feel weird being rude (even if they started it), but I've been so taken aback by the question I've never come up with a good response.  Had I been clever last night, I may have answered, "When are you going to have another kid?" or "When people stop asking."  I'm now defaulting to "Not yet."

 

I also think part of what's bugging me is the not-so-sneaking suspicion that his wife (boyfriend's sister) put him up to sending me the question.  Both her and his mom have been wondering for a while when we're planning on getting engaged and they talk a lot.  Maybe I'm wrong, but I don't think he gives a rat's you-know-what if/when we get married, except that his wife wants to know.

 

And for the record?  Yes, we've been dating for 3 years (4 at the end of January), living together for nearly 6 1/2 months, basically sharing finances, and really enjoying ourselves.  But we're still young (22), still figuring out the whole "adult" thing, still working on financial stability (he has student loans and no job yet), and still figuring out exactly what direction both of our lives are going.  We're not in any hurry, whether you are or not, and you can do things at your pace and we'll do things at ours.  Just stay out of it.  Deal?

 

I'm not looking for advice, I suppose I just wanted a place to rant.  Anybody that asked you inappropriate questions?  How did you respond?

[PrincessHeather]

Meh... I think it's just what nosey relatives do. When I got engaged, the NEXT DAY people were asking about the date and the colors, like I couldn't just bask in the excitement of being engaged for a bit. So I told them "Next week, and brown and yellow, like bees" and they stopped asking. When I got married, people felt it was okay to ask how married life was with a bit of a wink, meaning they wanted to know how we were getting along in the bedroom.... NO, you do not get to know anything about that, EVER. Three years later, and it's the kid question, which just makes me want to hold out forever to spite them, which I realize is irrational, but they started it! I mostly ignore these questions now, which is easy since I don't live close to any family right now.

[obax]

Maybe that last paragraph should be your response. Might come off as a bit aggressive in a chat or email environment, but it seems to sum up pretty well why they should butt out...

[msuroo]

"Next week, and brown and yellow, like bees"

 

I lol'ed

[BeckyBuckeye]

Maybe that last paragraph should be your response. Might come off as a bit aggressive in a chat or email environment, but it seems to sum up pretty well why they should butt out...

 

Yeah, it's pretty much what I want to say, but a little too rude for non-confrontational me, haha.

 

I lol'ed

 

Me too

[Rostov]

Could you tell them that you'll get married as soon as you've saved enough cash for the tickets to Vegas and to hire the Elvis costumes? Or..... "as soon as the divorce comes through"?

 

[Not had this problem myself, but deflection via humour is the British Way.

[rybo]

I was with my ex for over 12 years and we never married. Wish I had a dollar for every time I got asked that.

My response was always "Whenever people stop asking us". But they never did

[Haikoo]

People are so nosey. I don't understand why they ask those questions either. Once you're married it will be "When are you having kids?" and once you have a kid, then it's "when are you having another?" 

 

I have twin boys, and you would not believe how many people over the years have asked, "Are they natural?"  ...what??? To me that's like me asking them what position they used conceive their kids. It boggles me...

[BeckyBuckeye]

I have twin boys, and you would not believe how many people over the years have asked, "Are they natural?"  ...what??? To me that's like me asking them what position they used conceive their kids. It boggles me...

 

Oh my.  I can't imagine trying to answer that, just, what?  It's like asking someone without kids if they're trying.  SUPER PERSONAL, what?

[humanperson832]

Unfortunately, part of being an autonomous adult is learning how to set boundaries with people, including your partner's family. Otherwise they're (people, not just family) going to walk all over you forever. Here's how I would respond:

 

"I know you mean well, [insert name here], but we're not really thinking about that right now and our answer isn't going to change anytime soon. We would both really appreciate it if you respected that and eased up on asking when it's going to happen. We'll let you know as soon as it happens."

 

Or, since your boyfriend's sister seems to be the source of all of this, you should think about talking to her directly. I know it's not your family now, but it may be your family at some point. The sooner you show them that you're not one to be pushed around, the better.

 

Trust me, I know this all seems super scary. I'm still fairly non-confrontational, but I used to be waaaaaay worse. Here's how BAMF IDGAF version of me would respond to a question like that:

 

"Tomorrow. You're not invited." Or even better, "We already did. It was lovely."

 

I just smiled thinking about how great it would be if I had the courage to say those things.

 

Anyway. TLDR: tell all interested parties in the politest way possible to buzz off as definitively as possible without animosity. Otherwise the mowing over of your comfort level will only get worse as time goes on, you get married, have kids, etc.

[MetalBender]

"We already did. It was lovely."

Oh, this is beautiful!

Has a lot of humour and a little "back off people" without actually saying back off.

[Tanktimus the Encourager]

Why are you facebook friends with someone with whom you have never had a direct conversation? And it may have been his wife using his login.

[BeckyBuckeye]

Why are you facebook friends with someone with whom you have never had a direct conversation? And it may have been his wife using his login.

 

Because he requested me and I didn't care one way or the other.  And I thought about that, I actually asked and he answered that she'd never have the guts to do it.  I'm inclined to believe him, but it doesn't really matter to me either way (although he might have a problem if that's what happened), neither of them was going to get an answer.

 

"I know you mean well, [insert name here], but we're not really thinking about that right now and our answer isn't going to change anytime soon. We would both really appreciate it if you respected that and eased up on asking when it's going to happen. We'll let you know as soon as it happens."

 

Or, since your boyfriend's sister seems to be the source of all of this, you should think about talking to her directly. I know it's not your family now, but it may be your family at some point. The sooner you show them that you're not one to be pushed around, the better.

 

Trust me, I know this all seems super scary. I'm still fairly non-confrontational, but I used to be waaaaaay worse. Here's how BAMF IDGAF version of me would respond to a question like that:

 

"Tomorrow. You're not invited." Or even better, "We already did. It was lovely."

 

You're right.  Sigh.  I should have a conversation with them, it's just tough.  Next time it comes up, I'll try.  Hopefully not for a while, now that the holidays are over.

 

And I would love the BAMF responses and always chuckle at them, just couldn't bring myself to say them, except maybe to a close friend

[Gainsdalf the Whey]

Yeah, people used to ask me and I'd say "we'll get around to it".  We dated for 5 years and lived together for 2 before we got engaged, just as we were both runing 23. Like others said, it doesn't stop.  Now it is "when are you having kids".  We get it worse than most people I think as we're both the first grandchildren in all 4 families (her mom's, her dad's, my mom's, my dad's) to get married, and all are big families, so tons of people who ask it.  Once again "we'll get around to it" is my answer.

 

Edit: It will taper off, but never stop completely.  Give them nothing when they ask or the "We did already, it was lovely" sort of thing, and they'll stop asking.

[secretlobster]

My boyfriend and I have been together eight years. For some reason there is a network consultant who deigns to ask me if "the hubby" and I are married yet, because "you don't want to be an old mother". 

 

Maybe I actually do want to get married, I just haven't been asked yet, and it's depressing as hell without you rubbing it in. Thanks fella

[humanperson832]

Because he requested me and I didn't care one way or the other.  And I thought about that, I actually asked and he answered that she'd never have the guts to do it.  I'm inclined to believe him, but it doesn't really matter to me either way (although he might have a problem if that's what happened), neither of them was going to get an answer.

 

 

You're right.  Sigh.  I should have a conversation with them, it's just tough.  Next time it comes up, I'll try.  Hopefully not for a while, now that the holidays are over.

 

And I would love the BAMF responses and always chuckle at them, just couldn't bring myself to say them, except maybe to a close friend

It is tough, especially when you consider that these same people who try to plow through any boundaries you set are NOT going to be pleased and are just going to push you harder until you bend.

 

But you can't. You've got this, ladyfran.

[Haikoo]

Maybe I actually do want to get married, I just haven't been asked yet, and it's depressing as hell without you rubbing it in. Thanks fella

 

This is akin to the situation some people deal with where they WANT to have children very badly but are having infertility issues, which obviously is not something one advertises. People don't realize how hurtful it can be.

[Grizzy]

I have a similar issue. Dating for 6.5 years, living together for a little under 6 months, and I just don't understand why people care so much. Of course my family is pretty religious, so living together is an issue for some of them.

 

I'll get married eventually to this person. But I would like to be well within the bounds of being able to afford even a simple wedding without taking on any debt first and have the light at the end of my educational tunnel in sight. People don't get that.

[mandy75]

I got the similar question from one of my sister inlaws and my mother in law right after my husband and I got married. I was getting the "when are ya'll going to have a kid" I had 1 child, she was 3 at the time and really didn't think I wanted more kids, my husband was ok with that. I barely new his family, met them 1 time, at the wedding, so that was really awkward questions. I told my MIL "you have a granddaughter, her name is Makayla, you met her" Then I had my husband tell them all to back off. 

[Raincloak]

I'm lucky not to have the "when are you getting married" problem like my brother does, but I'm getting the "why aren't you going out and meeting boys" one.  Unfortunately, I have a biological clock; my brother doesn't.  (Men do not know how easy they have it, srsly...)

 

IMO, 22 is pretty young to get married.  I think those people who are bugging you about it are full of crap.  Sorry that doesn't really help much, but that's what I think.

 

I do find it odd that some people live together half their lives and never marry, though.  If you've lived together with the same partner for 6+ years, and acted in all ways like a married couple for the duration, how hard is it to sign the paperwork and free yourself from all the legal headaches that result if one of you suddenly has a heart attack or something?  Considering all the fuss gay people make about their right to marry, it's weird how straight people just ignore it.

[namelesswonder]

I'm 24, my Boyfriend and I have been together for 3 years. I picked out a ring and he is getting it re-sized right now, so...engagement is imminent. We've been fortunate enough to not have to deal with too many personal questions over the years. His mom is pretty nosy about it. My friend was nosy about it at her wedding (wedding on the brain, not surprising) in October. Boyfriend's response is usually something like, "Never!" with a huge grin. He's good at getting people to back off and realize pretty bluntly that they're being rude. I usually squirm.

 

Once we're engaged, I'm probably going to respond seriously to questions about the wedding to people close with me because I want to share!!!! but anybody else will get, "something small with family." I don't mind fulfilling their curiosity, but I'm not about to indulge in their rudeness either.

[humanperson832]

I'm lucky not to have the "when are you getting married" problem like my brother does, but I'm getting the "why aren't you going out and meeting boys" one.  Unfortunately, I have a biological clock; my brother doesn't.  (Men do not know how easy they have it, srsly...)

 

IMO, 22 is pretty young to get married.  I think those people who are bugging you about it are full of crap.  Sorry that doesn't really help much, but that's what I think.

 

I do find it odd that some people live together half their lives and never marry, though.  If you've lived together with the same partner for 6+ years, and acted in all ways like a married couple for the duration, how hard is it to sign the paperwork and free yourself from all the legal headaches that result if one of you suddenly has a heart attack or something?  Considering all the fuss gay people make about their right to marry, it's weird how straight people just ignore it.

 

I get the "why aren't you dating/who can we set you up with" one a lot lately, probably because I just ended a serious relationship not too long ago. (I'm turning 25 next month, for reference). It's always older married folks with kids who ask. Always (at least for me). The excitement is over in their lives with all these life events, so they have to turn to vicarious excitement through the young'uns in their lives. At least, that's how it feels. Anyway.

 

I mean, divorce is an equally as big, if not bigger, headache than not being married. I think folks who co-habitate without getting married are probably following the logic that if it isn't broke, then don't fix it. *Kanye shrug*

[BeckyBuckeye]

I mean, divorce is an equally as big, if not bigger, headache than not being married. I think folks who co-habitate without getting married are probably following the logic that if it isn't broke, then don't fix it. *Kanye shrug*

 

In our case, we decided we wanted a significant trial period before going through the paperwork and having to deal with legal ramifications if we can't live with each other.  Plus the financial aspect of just being out of college and moving to a new city.  But I know those people that live together and never get married and are perfectly happy.  I second the Kanye shrug.

[Gainsdalf the Whey]

I second the trial period. My wife was initially unsure about moving in together before at least being engaged, but I dead set against asking someone to marry me that I hadn't lived with for a few years. I'd have been fine never actually getting married, but she's wouldn't have been.

[micmac]

My boyfriend and I have been together eight years. For some reason there is a network consultant who deigns to ask me if "the hubby" and I are married yet, because "you don't want to be an old mother". 

 

Maybe I actually do want to get married, I just haven't been asked yet, and it's depressing as hell without you rubbing it in. Thanks fella

 

^^^ This is why I do not understand why people think it is ok to ask such personal questions. It is impossible to know the situation someone else is in, and you have no idea if you are hurting them in the process.

 

To Becky-

 

The first time someone asked me the "when are you having another baby?" question was a few weeks after my third miscarriage, and just a few days after my doctor told me that it was unlikely I would have another successful pregnancy. I cried all over them and made a complete spectacle of myself. It's been almost six years now, so that question has pretty much stopped (as people now assume that we simply wanted to stop at 2) but I can still remember that feeling- vividly!