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slsanders2

Ba Dum Tiss (Bad Joke Thread)

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I would like to start a Bad Joke thread!  Sometimes the corniest of jokes can provide a little pick me up for somebody.  I'll start.

 

Two bears were eating a clown.

One bear says to the other, "Does this taste funny to you?"

 

 

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Hockey joke.

 

A man is at the first Toronto Maple Leafs playoff game since 2004.  It's sold out, because of course it is.  Yet the man sitting in front of him has had an empty seat to his left the entire time.  After the first period, he asks the man "why is there an empty seat next to you?"  He replies "It was for my late wife"

 

"I'm sorry to hear that, but why not take a friend for company then?"

 

"They're all at the funeral"

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A horse walks into a bar.  Bartender says "Hey buddy, why the long face?"

 

A termite walks into a bar and says "Where's the bar tender?"

 

A priest, a rabbi, an Irishman, an Australian, and a dog walk into a bar.  The bartender says, "What is this, some kind of joke?"

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A bear walks into a bar.  He goes up to the bartender and says "          ".

The bartender asks, "Why the big pause?"

 

Where did the little king keep his little armies?

Up his little sleevies.

 

What's green and sings?

Elvis Parsley.

 

Why do bagpipers walk when they play?

To get away from the noise!

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A man walks into a bar ... ouch.

 

 

A doctor, a lawyer, a priest, and a six year old get on a plane, and in the middle of the flight the pilot has a heart attack and dies at 40,000 feet. Turns out there are only three parachutes. The doctor grabs one and says, "hey I'm a doctor, I should live" and jumps out. The lawyer says, "I'm an important man", grabs one of the packs, and jumps out. The priest turns to the little boy and says, "my child, you're young, you should get the last parachute," and the little boy replies, "it's okay, Father, there's still two of them -- the lawyer took my backpack."

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Two muffins are sitting in an oven.  One muffin turns to the other and says, "Wow, it's getting pretty hot in here!"  The other muffin turns back and says, "Holy shit, a talking muffin!"

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Did you hear about the guards at the landfill? They discovered waste is a terrible thing to mind.

 

A certain monarch believed one of his counts to be a traitor to the cause and a key leader of the insurgents. He imprisons the count and gives him an ultimatum: give up insurgents or be decapitated. The count refuses. Each day for a month the king restates his offer and the count refuses. Sensing the count will not confess, the king decides to have him executed. The morning of the execution the count is marched to the guillotine in the square. He is silent as they march him there, silent as they walk him up the steps, silent as they rest his head in the stocks. The executioner pulls the rope, down falls the blade. "WAIT!" cries the count "I'll tell..." but SCHWING! it's too late and the count is decapitated. The story's moral: don't hack your count before he chickens.

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Famous explorer Dr Livingstone is wandering through the jungle one day when he spots the strangest looking creature on the ground beneath him. "This must be a new species!" he says, and he carefully scoops up the tiny beastie in a matchbox.

 

On his return to camp, he notices that the creature is now too big for the matchbox. Curious, he transfers it into a cigarette packet and heads to bed.

 

The next morning the creature has outgrown the cigarette packet. Dr Livingstone empties his lunchbox and puts the creature in there. He decides it's time to take it back to civilisation and have it analysed, but by the time he reaches the airport he has already had to transfer the specimen into a suitcase.

 

When he arrives at the Zoological Society in London, the creature has already grown again, and is now held in a packing crate. Dr Livingstone visits his old friend Professor Attenborough and asks him what he makes of it. "My word," says the Professor. "I've not seen one of those in years. That's a Rary you have there. They are very rare, but once captured they will grow bigger and bigger. You will have to get rid of it before it engulfs the world."

 

"How do I do that?" asks Livingstone.

 

"There is only one way," replies Attenborough. "You must take the creature to the very top of Mount Everest, and then tip it over the edge."

 

Livingstone immediately sets off, arranging transport as he goes. The Rary is ferried to the airport in a truck, but is already growing bigger as they arrive. Livingstone orders it loaded into a cargo plane, and as they land several hours later it is already squeezing against the plane's walls. The expedition sets off up the slopes of Everest with a team of elephants lugging the Rary in a lashed together cage of tree trunks.

 

As they approach the top, Livingstone hears a strange rumbling sound from the creature, and he realises it is starting to laugh. "What on earth is so funny?" he asks it. To his amazement, the Rary replies in perfect English: "I've had a song stuck in my head since we left London," it says. "It's a long way to tip a Rary..."

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...you may have just lost all the Americans with that one.  (Or maybe just me.  I had to google the punchline :)  )    

 

Anyway, I just pulled this off The Oatmeal, so that I wouldn't be the only one commenting without a joke.  Don't want that snare player dozing off...         

  Guy walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under arm. Says to the bartender: "I’ll take a beer, and one for the road."
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