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Ba Dum Tiss (Bad Joke Thread)


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I would like to start a Bad Joke thread!  Sometimes the corniest of jokes can provide a little pick me up for somebody.  I'll start.

 

Two bears were eating a clown.

One bear says to the other, "Does this taste funny to you?"

 

 

  • Like 7
  • Haha 1

Élan Scout Level 2STR-5, DEX-4.5, STA-8.25, CON-1.5, WIS-3, CHA-2I may not be there yet, but I'm closer than I was yesterday.

 

Compete Everyday

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what do you call a cow with no legs?

 

 

ground beef.

  • Like 3

just another cracked southern belle,

and a specialist in self-kintsukuroi.

Current Challenge Accountability:  Health & Happiness Are Hard: Wherein the Cracked_Belle Un-Dies

Epic Quest:  Adventures in Badassery  [under construction]

Spoiler

There is never a sudden revelation, a complete and tidy explanation for why it happened, or why it ends, or why or who you are. You want one and I want one, but there isn't one. It comes in bits and pieces, and you stitch them together wherever they fit, and when you are done you hold yourself up, and still there are holes and you are a rag doll, invented, imperfect. And yet you are all that you have, so you must be enough. There is no other way.
― Marya Hornbacher, Wasted: A Memoir of Anorexia and Bulimia

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Skeleton walks into a bar.

"Beer and a mop, please"

  • Like 3

 Level 4 Human Adventurer / Level 4 Scout, couch to 5k graduate, six time marathon finisher.

Spoiler

 

Current 5k Personal Best: 22:00 / 21:23 / 21:13 / 21:09 / 20:55 / 20:25 (4th July 17)

Current 5 mile PB: 36:41 35:27 34:52 (10th May 17)

Current 10k PB: 44:58 44:27 44:07 44:06 43:50 (29th June 17)

Current Half Marathon PB: 1:41:54 1:38:24 1:37:47 1:37:41 (14th June 15)

Current Marathon PB: 3:39:34 3:29:49 (10th April 16)

 

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Hockey joke.

 

A man is at the first Toronto Maple Leafs playoff game since 2004.  It's sold out, because of course it is.  Yet the man sitting in front of him has had an empty seat to his left the entire time.  After the first period, he asks the man "why is there an empty seat next to you?"  He replies "It was for my late wife"

 

"I'm sorry to hear that, but why not take a friend for company then?"

 

"They're all at the funeral"

  • Like 3
  • Haha 1

PR's

5k - 21:29

10k - 47:26 43:29

21.1 - 2:05:26 1:44:21

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One more.

 

Why did the farmer put his pig pen on the side of the hill? (give the other person a few minutes to think)

 

To put his pigs in. 

 

 

That's a knee slapper. 

  • Like 1

"It's always the ones that don't do anything that try to bring you down" - Henry Rollins

"There is no meantime, there is only now" - The Ditty Bops

 Trail Blazing Elf Ranger Sumdawgtwigg Level 3  STR-3 DEX-4 STA-4 CON-3 WIS-5 CHA-2

Fitocracy

My Game Blog

DO IT CHALLENGE!

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A horse walks into a bar.  Bartender says "Hey buddy, why the long face?"

 

A termite walks into a bar and says "Where's the bar tender?"

 

A priest, a rabbi, an Irishman, an Australian, and a dog walk into a bar.  The bartender says, "What is this, some kind of joke?"

  • Like 1

Every saint has a past, and every sinner has a future.

Hylian Assassin 5'5", 143 lbs.
Half-marathon: 3:02
It is pitch dark. You are likely to be eaten by a grue.

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A bear walks into a bar.  He goes up to the bartender and says "          ".

The bartender asks, "Why the big pause?"

 

Where did the little king keep his little armies?

Up his little sleevies.

 

What's green and sings?

Elvis Parsley.

 

Why do bagpipers walk when they play?

To get away from the noise!

  • Like 2

"If you get into trouble, you can always eat something, blow something up, or throw penguins." - Jim Henson

 

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A man walks into a bar ... ouch.

 

 

A doctor, a lawyer, a priest, and a six year old get on a plane, and in the middle of the flight the pilot has a heart attack and dies at 40,000 feet. Turns out there are only three parachutes. The doctor grabs one and says, "hey I'm a doctor, I should live" and jumps out. The lawyer says, "I'm an important man", grabs one of the packs, and jumps out. The priest turns to the little boy and says, "my child, you're young, you should get the last parachute," and the little boy replies, "it's okay, Father, there's still two of them -- the lawyer took my backpack."

  • Like 4

Anduril, level 3 human adventurer

(ranger wannabe)
STR 8 | DEX 4 | STA 3.5 | CON 6.5 | WIS 3 | CHA 3.5

Intro thread | Daily Journal
Top weight 211, currently 184, goal weight 150 (5' 8-1/2")

Life has no remote; you have to get up and change it yourself.

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Two muffins are sitting in an oven.  One muffin turns to the other and says, "Wow, it's getting pretty hot in here!"  The other muffin turns back and says, "Holy shit, a talking muffin!"

  • Like 3

"If we take man as he is, we make him worse. But if we take man as he should be, we make him capable of becoming what he can be."

--Viktor Frankl paraphrasing Goethe

 
 
 
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Did you hear about the guards at the landfill? They discovered waste is a terrible thing to mind.

 

A certain monarch believed one of his counts to be a traitor to the cause and a key leader of the insurgents. He imprisons the count and gives him an ultimatum: give up insurgents or be decapitated. The count refuses. Each day for a month the king restates his offer and the count refuses. Sensing the count will not confess, the king decides to have him executed. The morning of the execution the count is marched to the guillotine in the square. He is silent as they march him there, silent as they walk him up the steps, silent as they rest his head in the stocks. The executioner pulls the rope, down falls the blade. "WAIT!" cries the count "I'll tell..." but SCHWING! it's too late and the count is decapitated. The story's moral: don't hack your count before he chickens.

  • Like 4

"If you would improve, be content to be thought foolish and stupid." - Epictetus

"You just gotta listen to your body, unless it's saying anything about stopping, pain, your joints, or needing water."

Level 20 Pilgrim (Adventurer 7, Assassin 3, Druid 2, Monk 10, Ranger 5, Rebel 9, Scout 10, Warrior 4)

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Famous explorer Dr Livingstone is wandering through the jungle one day when he spots the strangest looking creature on the ground beneath him. "This must be a new species!" he says, and he carefully scoops up the tiny beastie in a matchbox.

 

On his return to camp, he notices that the creature is now too big for the matchbox. Curious, he transfers it into a cigarette packet and heads to bed.

 

The next morning the creature has outgrown the cigarette packet. Dr Livingstone empties his lunchbox and puts the creature in there. He decides it's time to take it back to civilisation and have it analysed, but by the time he reaches the airport he has already had to transfer the specimen into a suitcase.

 

When he arrives at the Zoological Society in London, the creature has already grown again, and is now held in a packing crate. Dr Livingstone visits his old friend Professor Attenborough and asks him what he makes of it. "My word," says the Professor. "I've not seen one of those in years. That's a Rary you have there. They are very rare, but once captured they will grow bigger and bigger. You will have to get rid of it before it engulfs the world."

 

"How do I do that?" asks Livingstone.

 

"There is only one way," replies Attenborough. "You must take the creature to the very top of Mount Everest, and then tip it over the edge."

 

Livingstone immediately sets off, arranging transport as he goes. The Rary is ferried to the airport in a truck, but is already growing bigger as they arrive. Livingstone orders it loaded into a cargo plane, and as they land several hours later it is already squeezing against the plane's walls. The expedition sets off up the slopes of Everest with a team of elephants lugging the Rary in a lashed together cage of tree trunks.

 

As they approach the top, Livingstone hears a strange rumbling sound from the creature, and he realises it is starting to laugh. "What on earth is so funny?" he asks it. To his amazement, the Rary replies in perfect English: "I've had a song stuck in my head since we left London," it says. "It's a long way to tip a Rary..."

  • Like 3

What happens when you play Final Fantasy VII with everyone called Cloud?

It gets quite confusing... https://ff7crowdofclouds.wordpress.com/

 

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...you may have just lost all the Americans with that one.  (Or maybe just me.  I had to google the punchline :)  )    

 

Anyway, I just pulled this off The Oatmeal, so that I wouldn't be the only one commenting without a joke.  Don't want that snare player dozing off...         

  Guy walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under arm. Says to the bartender: "I’ll take a beer, and one for the road."
  • Like 1

This used to be where  my weight loss progress bar was. Maybe it will be here again when I'm ready to face the scale and work on my fat problem.
 NewBattleLog              OldBattleLog (between challenges)

Spoiler


Don't let what you cannot do
interfere with what you can do.

-John Wooden

2013 Running Tally: I lost track in July, at 148.925  ((plus 0.5)) but I finished a Very Slow marathon in October. Then I mostly stopped.
2014 Running Tally: 134.1 miles plus 5k (as of 17 September) lost track again, but I know I had at least 147.2 plus 5k for 2014.
2015 Running Tally: 41.2 treadmilled miles & 251.93 real world miles

2016 Running Tally: 0

 

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