slsanders2 Posted January 24, 2013 Report Share Posted January 24, 2013 I would like to start a Bad Joke thread! Sometimes the corniest of jokes can provide a little pick me up for somebody. I'll start. Two bears were eating a clown.One bear says to the other, "Does this taste funny to you?" 6 1 Quote Élan Scout Level 2STR-5, DEX-4.5, STA-8.25, CON-1.5, WIS-3, CHA-2I may not be there yet, but I'm closer than I was yesterday. Compete Everyday Link to comment
Elenea Posted January 24, 2013 Report Share Posted January 24, 2013 My favourite bad joke: Two drums and a cymbal fall off a cliff. Ba dum tiss! 4 Quote Level 4 Ranger, Former Hero of RivertownSTR 7.75 | DEX 8 | STA 8.25 | CON 9.75 | WIS 14 | CHA 8First ChallengeSecond Challenge (Reboot!)Third ChallengeCurrent Challenge Inventory: 5 silver pieces, a steel schiavona, a dented Roman helmet, and a Fire Flower power up Link to comment
cracked_belle Posted January 24, 2013 Report Share Posted January 24, 2013 what do you call a cow with no legs? ground beef. 2 Quote just another cracked southern belle, and a specialist in self-kintsukuroi. Current Challenge Accountability: Health & Happiness Are Hard: Wherein the Cracked_Belle Un-Dies Epic Quest: Adventures in Badassery [under construction] Spoiler There is never a sudden revelation, a complete and tidy explanation for why it happened, or why it ends, or why or who you are. You want one and I want one, but there isn't one. It comes in bits and pieces, and you stitch them together wherever they fit, and when you are done you hold yourself up, and still there are holes and you are a rag doll, invented, imperfect. And yet you are all that you have, so you must be enough. There is no other way. ― Marya Hornbacher, Wasted: A Memoir of Anorexia and Bulimia Link to comment
Rostov Posted January 24, 2013 Report Share Posted January 24, 2013 Skeleton walks into a bar."Beer and a mop, please" 2 Quote Level 4 Human Adventurer / Level 4 Scout, couch to 5k graduate, six time marathon finisher. Spoiler Current 5k Personal Best: 22:00 / 21:23 / 21:13 / 21:09 / 20:55 / 20:25 (4th July 17) Current 5 mile PB: 36:41 35:27 34:52 (10th May 17) Current 10k PB: 44:58 44:27 44:07 44:06 43:50 (29th June 17) Current Half Marathon PB: 1:41:54 1:38:24 1:37:47 1:37:41 (14th June 15) Current Marathon PB: 3:39:34 3:29:49 (10th April 16) Link to comment
HansBraggart Posted January 24, 2013 Report Share Posted January 24, 2013 how do you know when there are 1001 pickles under your bed? you are closer to the ceiling! Quote Hans BraggartSideshow Freak AssassinSTR 8 | DEX 3 | STA 8 | CON 3 | WIS 3.5 | CHA 3You should check out my press kit here - http://goo.gl/1PA5W Link to comment
Timmy M Posted January 24, 2013 Report Share Posted January 24, 2013 this is by far the best joke IN THE WHOLE FREAKING WORLD what cheese do you use to cover a small horse? mascarpone 1 Quote Link to comment
TheOtherScott Posted January 24, 2013 Report Share Posted January 24, 2013 Hockey joke. A man is at the first Toronto Maple Leafs playoff game since 2004. It's sold out, because of course it is. Yet the man sitting in front of him has had an empty seat to his left the entire time. After the first period, he asks the man "why is there an empty seat next to you?" He replies "It was for my late wife" "I'm sorry to hear that, but why not take a friend for company then?" "They're all at the funeral" 3 1 Quote PR's5k - 21:2910k - 47:26 43:2921.1 - 2:05:26 1:44:21 Link to comment
sumdawgtwigg Posted January 25, 2013 Report Share Posted January 25, 2013 What do you call a balding teddy bear? Fred Bear.... Gah, that's terrible. 1 Quote "It's always the ones that don't do anything that try to bring you down" - Henry Rollins "There is no meantime, there is only now" - The Ditty Bops Trail Blazing Elf Ranger Sumdawgtwigg Level 3 STR-3 DEX-4 STA-4 CON-3 WIS-5 CHA-2 Fitocracy My Game Blog DO IT CHALLENGE! Link to comment
sumdawgtwigg Posted January 25, 2013 Report Share Posted January 25, 2013 One more. Why did the farmer put his pig pen on the side of the hill? (give the other person a few minutes to think) To put his pigs in. That's a knee slapper. 1 Quote "It's always the ones that don't do anything that try to bring you down" - Henry Rollins "There is no meantime, there is only now" - The Ditty Bops Trail Blazing Elf Ranger Sumdawgtwigg Level 3 STR-3 DEX-4 STA-4 CON-3 WIS-5 CHA-2 Fitocracy My Game Blog DO IT CHALLENGE! Link to comment
KAllen Posted January 25, 2013 Report Share Posted January 25, 2013 What do you call a cow that has had an abortion? De-Calf-inated 1 1 Quote "A sharp knife is nothing without a sharp eye" - Koloth "Ya can't grill it until ya kill it" - Uncle Ted "If it ain't Metal...IT'S CRAP!!!" - Dee Snider Link to comment
SusieBlu Posted January 25, 2013 Report Share Posted January 25, 2013 What did the fish say when it hit a concret wall? Dam What did the wall say back? Dumb Bass 3 1 Quote Try everything once. If it kills you don't do it again.Paleo- So Easy A Caveman Can Do It Link to comment
OrangeJorwell Posted January 25, 2013 Report Share Posted January 25, 2013 My work recently decided that they wanted to keep me on my toes. So they raised the urinals. (Sorry for the toilet humor) 1 1 Quote Level 3 RangerSTR: 6 | DEX: 3 | STA: 9 | CON: 4 | WIS: 6 | CHA: 5 Current Challenge Link to comment
Raincloak Posted January 25, 2013 Report Share Posted January 25, 2013 A horse walks into a bar. Bartender says "Hey buddy, why the long face?" A termite walks into a bar and says "Where's the bar tender?" A priest, a rabbi, an Irishman, an Australian, and a dog walk into a bar. The bartender says, "What is this, some kind of joke?" 1 Quote Every saint has a past, and every sinner has a future. Hylian Assassin 5'5", 143 lbs. Half-marathon: 3:02It is pitch dark. You are likely to be eaten by a grue. Link to comment
Maj. Bloodnok Posted January 25, 2013 Report Share Posted January 25, 2013 A bear walks into a bar. He goes up to the bartender and says " ".The bartender asks, "Why the big pause?" Where did the little king keep his little armies?Up his little sleevies. What's green and sings?Elvis Parsley. Why do bagpipers walk when they play?To get away from the noise! 2 Quote "If you get into trouble, you can always eat something, blow something up, or throw penguins." - Jim Henson Link to comment
HansBraggart Posted January 25, 2013 Report Share Posted January 25, 2013 How do you know when there is an elephant in your refrigerator? You cannot close the door! Quote Hans BraggartSideshow Freak AssassinSTR 8 | DEX 3 | STA 8 | CON 3 | WIS 3.5 | CHA 3You should check out my press kit here - http://goo.gl/1PA5W Link to comment
Maj. Bloodnok Posted January 25, 2013 Report Share Posted January 25, 2013 How do you know when Tarzan is in your refrigerator? Because you can hear him talking to the elephant. Quote "If you get into trouble, you can always eat something, blow something up, or throw penguins." - Jim Henson Link to comment
Anduril Posted January 26, 2013 Report Share Posted January 26, 2013 A man walks into a bar ... ouch. A doctor, a lawyer, a priest, and a six year old get on a plane, and in the middle of the flight the pilot has a heart attack and dies at 40,000 feet. Turns out there are only three parachutes. The doctor grabs one and says, "hey I'm a doctor, I should live" and jumps out. The lawyer says, "I'm an important man", grabs one of the packs, and jumps out. The priest turns to the little boy and says, "my child, you're young, you should get the last parachute," and the little boy replies, "it's okay, Father, there's still two of them -- the lawyer took my backpack." 4 Quote Anduril, level 3 human adventurer(ranger wannabe)STR 8 | DEX 4 | STA 3.5 | CON 6.5 | WIS 3 | CHA 3.5Intro thread | Daily JournalTop weight 211, currently 184, goal weight 150 (5' 8-1/2")Life has no remote; you have to get up and change it yourself. Link to comment
Brndy Posted January 26, 2013 Report Share Posted January 26, 2013 Two muffins are sitting in an oven. One muffin turns to the other and says, "Wow, it's getting pretty hot in here!" The other muffin turns back and says, "Holy shit, a talking muffin!" 3 Quote "If we take man as he is, we make him worse. But if we take man as he should be, we make him capable of becoming what he can be."--Viktor Frankl paraphrasing Goethe Link to comment
OrangeJorwell Posted January 26, 2013 Report Share Posted January 26, 2013 Why is a moon rock better than an earth rock?Because it's a little meteor! 1 Quote Level 3 RangerSTR: 6 | DEX: 3 | STA: 9 | CON: 4 | WIS: 6 | CHA: 5 Current Challenge Link to comment
Nomad Jay Posted January 26, 2013 Report Share Posted January 26, 2013 Did you hear about the guards at the landfill? They discovered waste is a terrible thing to mind. A certain monarch believed one of his counts to be a traitor to the cause and a key leader of the insurgents. He imprisons the count and gives him an ultimatum: give up insurgents or be decapitated. The count refuses. Each day for a month the king restates his offer and the count refuses. Sensing the count will not confess, the king decides to have him executed. The morning of the execution the count is marched to the guillotine in the square. He is silent as they march him there, silent as they walk him up the steps, silent as they rest his head in the stocks. The executioner pulls the rope, down falls the blade. "WAIT!" cries the count "I'll tell..." but SCHWING! it's too late and the count is decapitated. The story's moral: don't hack your count before he chickens. 4 Quote "If you would improve, be content to be thought foolish and stupid." - Epictetus "You just gotta listen to your body, unless it's saying anything about stopping, pain, your joints, or needing water." Level 20 Pilgrim (Adventurer 7, Assassin 3, Druid 2, Monk 10, Ranger 5, Rebel 9, Scout 10, Warrior 4) Link to comment
JasontheKiwi Posted January 26, 2013 Report Share Posted January 26, 2013 Hahah love it. Best thread ever. What do you call a singing computer? Adele What do you get if you cross an elephant and a kangaroo? Great big holes all over Australia 1 1 Quote My BlogMy Book Reviews "Whenever you find yourself on the side of the majority, it's time to pause and reflect." - Mark Twain Link to comment
Artinum Posted January 27, 2013 Report Share Posted January 27, 2013 Famous explorer Dr Livingstone is wandering through the jungle one day when he spots the strangest looking creature on the ground beneath him. "This must be a new species!" he says, and he carefully scoops up the tiny beastie in a matchbox. On his return to camp, he notices that the creature is now too big for the matchbox. Curious, he transfers it into a cigarette packet and heads to bed. The next morning the creature has outgrown the cigarette packet. Dr Livingstone empties his lunchbox and puts the creature in there. He decides it's time to take it back to civilisation and have it analysed, but by the time he reaches the airport he has already had to transfer the specimen into a suitcase. When he arrives at the Zoological Society in London, the creature has already grown again, and is now held in a packing crate. Dr Livingstone visits his old friend Professor Attenborough and asks him what he makes of it. "My word," says the Professor. "I've not seen one of those in years. That's a Rary you have there. They are very rare, but once captured they will grow bigger and bigger. You will have to get rid of it before it engulfs the world." "How do I do that?" asks Livingstone. "There is only one way," replies Attenborough. "You must take the creature to the very top of Mount Everest, and then tip it over the edge." Livingstone immediately sets off, arranging transport as he goes. The Rary is ferried to the airport in a truck, but is already growing bigger as they arrive. Livingstone orders it loaded into a cargo plane, and as they land several hours later it is already squeezing against the plane's walls. The expedition sets off up the slopes of Everest with a team of elephants lugging the Rary in a lashed together cage of tree trunks. As they approach the top, Livingstone hears a strange rumbling sound from the creature, and he realises it is starting to laugh. "What on earth is so funny?" he asks it. To his amazement, the Rary replies in perfect English: "I've had a song stuck in my head since we left London," it says. "It's a long way to tip a Rary..." 2 Quote What happens when you play Final Fantasy VII with everyone called Cloud? It gets quite confusing... https://ff7crowdofclouds.wordpress.com/ Link to comment
Georges Posted January 27, 2013 Report Share Posted January 27, 2013 ...you may have just lost all the Americans with that one. (Or maybe just me. I had to google the punchline ) Anyway, I just pulled this off The Oatmeal, so that I wouldn't be the only one commenting without a joke. Don't want that snare player dozing off... Guy walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under arm. Says to the bartender: "I’ll take a beer, and one for the road." Quote This used to be where my weight loss progress bar was. Maybe it will be here again when I'm ready to face the scale and work on my fat problem. NewBattleLog OldBattleLog (between challenges) Spoiler Don't let what you cannot do interfere with what you can do. -John Wooden 2013 Running Tally: I lost track in July, at 148.925 ((plus 0.5)) but I finished a Very Slow marathon in October. Then I mostly stopped. 2014 Running Tally: 134.1 miles plus 5k (as of 17 September) lost track again, but I know I had at least 147.2 plus 5k for 2014. 2015 Running Tally: 41.2 treadmilled miles & 251.93 real world miles 2016 Running Tally: 0 Link to comment
littlewings Posted January 27, 2013 Report Share Posted January 27, 2013 Why do you never hear a pterodactyl go to the washroom? Because the P is silent.What do you call a spaghetti noodle in disguise? An impasta. 1 Quote Link to comment
Artinum Posted January 27, 2013 Report Share Posted January 27, 2013 Grapes speak no famous last words when they are crushed. They merely let out a little wine. 1 Quote What happens when you play Final Fantasy VII with everyone called Cloud? It gets quite confusing... https://ff7crowdofclouds.wordpress.com/ Link to comment
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