Ba Dum Tiss (Bad Joke Thread)

[Mark D]

Sherlock Holmes and Watson go camping.  One night Sherlock wakes up Watson and says "Watson, what do you see?"  Watson replies "Stars, millions of stars."  Holmes asks "What do you think of that?"  Watson replies "Well, scientifically, each of those stars is a sun like ours, around which may be planets inhabited by people like us.  Philosophically, it makes me aware of the vastness of the Universe and what a tiny part of it we occupy.  Theologically, it reminds me of the greatness of God who can number all the stars we see."  Holmes replies "Watson, someone has stolen our tent!"

 

  

[Mark D]

Two old Irish guys are having a pint in a bar, the first says "Sean, me wife drives me to drink!"  The other says "Paddy, you're a lucky man, me wife makes me take the bus...."

 

 

[Guzzi]

A man is sitting in a bar, looks up and sees two pieces of sirloin beef hanging from the roof. "What's the deal with the meat?" he asks the barman. 

 

"Well," says the barman "If you can jump high enough to touch the meat you get free drinks for the rest of the night, but if you miss you have to buy a round for everyone in the bar.  Do you want to try it?"

 

"No," says the man. "The steaks are too high."

[Tomu-san]

My local library opened up a cafe. I tried to get a table, but they're all booked.

[WhiteGhost]

Why does a bicycle need a kickstand?

 

Because it's two tired

[Mark D]

I really like that Roman Catholic fried chicken place.  You know, Pope Yes.  

 

 

 

 

[JustCallMeAmber]

1 hour ago, Mark D said:

I really like that Roman Catholic fried chicken place.  You know, Pope Yes.  

 

 

 

 

It took me a very sad and absurd amount of time to get this one. ( I live 5 minutes from one and work 10 minutes from another one )

 

 

[Butternut]

What's orange and sounds like parrot? 

 

A carrot

[Mark D]

Why don't cannibals eat clowns?

 

They taste funny.

 

 

Two cannibals at a dinner party:

 

Cannibal 1:  Are you enjoying yourself?

 

Cannibal 2: Having a ball!

 

 

 

[Mark D]

A man is on a photo-safari in Africa and he encounters an elephant holding one foot up.  Closer inspection shows that the elephant has a large thorn in the bottom of its foot, so the man pulls it out.  The elephant gingerly puts its foot down, realizes it doesn't hurt anymore, trumpets,and runs off.

 

Ten years later the man is once again in Africa and he encounters an elephant.  The elephant trumpets at him and lifts it's food, the man goes closer, the elephant trumpet again and tramples him, killing him.

 

Must not have been the same elephant.

 

 

[WhiteGhost]

Q: What do you get if you cross an elephant with a rhino?

 

Q: Elephino

[Luds]

Why did the koala fall out of the tree?
It was dead.

 

Why did the other koala fall out of the tree?

It was dead.

 

Why did the next koala fall out of the tree?

Peer pressure.

 

Why did another koala fall out of the tree?

Thought it was a game.

 

And the next?:

It was tied to a fridge. 

 

Why did Billy fall off his bike?

He was hit by 5 koalas and a fridge.

[Guzzi]

Q - Did you hear about the magic tractor?

 

A - It turned into a field.   

 

 

I used to be a huge fan of tractors but I'm not anymore.  I guess that makes me an ex-tractor-fan.  **groan!**

[Garris]

 

Pleas keep in mind my 85 year old grandma told me this one;

 

There are three old ladies sitting on a park bench.

 

a man comes by walks in front of them,turns quickly, opens his coat and flashes them.

 

now the first old lady has a stroke, the 2nd old lady has a stroke and the third old lady can't quite reach .

[Luds]

... and while we're on the subject...

 

"So a guy walks into a bar one day and he can’t believe his eyes. There, in the corner, there’s this one-foot-tall man, in a little tuxedo, playing a tiny grand piano.
So the guy asks the bartender, “Where’d he come from?”
And the bartender’s, like, “There’s a genie in the men’s room who grants wishes.”
So the guy runs into the men’s room and, sure enough, there’s this genie. And the genie’s, like, “Your wish is my command.” So the guy’s, like, “O.K., I wish for world peace.” And there’s this big cloud of smoke—and then the room fills up with geese.
So the guy walks out of the men’s room and he’s, like, “Hey, bartender, I think your genie might be hard of hearing.”
And the bartender’s, like, “No kidding. You think I wished for a twelve-inch pianist?”..."

 

 

after that it gets good  :

http://www.newyorker.com/magazine/2013/11/18/guy-walks-into-a-bar

[Tomu-san]

This guy walks into a bar and says, "I'm looking for a man named Dunn."

The bartender says, "He just went into the men's room."
So the guy goes into the men's, sees a guy standing at the urinal, and asks, "Are you Dunn?"

The other guy says, "For God's sake, I just came in here!"

[Guzzi]

I went to the library the other day and asked the librarian if they had any books on paranoia.

 

She leaned in close and whispered "They're behind you"

[Artinum]

What do you get when you cross a joke with a rhetorical question?

[Guzzi]

The word "nothing" is a palindrome.  Spelt backwards it's "gnihton", which also means nothing. 

[Guzzi]

I put a a huge, high voltage electric fence all the way around my property at the weekend. 

 

My my neighbour is dead against it. 

[Guzzi]

What has 4 letters, sometimes 9 but never has 5 letters. 

[Jittersthe.Clown]

On 9/11/2017 at 2:35 AM, Guzzi said:

What has 4 letters, sometimes 9 but never has 5 letters. 

Indeed

[Tomu-san]

What causes an exploding bovine?

 

 

 

Abominable.

[Tomu-san]

What goes "Sis, boom, bah!"

 

 

An exploding sheep.

[rketterman]

On 8/26/2017 at 8:54 AM, Garris said:

 

Pleas keep in mind my 85 year old grandma told me this one;

 

There are three old ladies sitting on a park bench.

 

a man comes by walks in front of them,turns quickly, opens his coat and flashes them.

 

now the first old lady has a stroke, the 2nd old lady has a stroke and the third old lady can't quite reach .

I have a similar joke, told to me by my elderly aunt.

 

An couple of old ladies are sitting on a park bench when an old man runs by opens his jacket and flashes them. 

 

The first old lady says "WHO WAS THAT?!"

 

The second old lady says "I don't know but whatever he was wearing sure needed ironing."