Ba Dum Tiss (Bad Joke Thread)

[Komnenos]

So he says "hit me with your rhythm stick, you four-eyed moron!"

I thought to myself, "that's just adding insult to Ian Dury."

[Artinum]

Ouch. That was painful.

 

In other musical jokes, I'm not sure what to expect about Boney M's standup routine. Will they rib us or babble on?

[WriterGuy]

Two drunk seagulls fly up in the sky. One asks the other - "Hey, can I fly in the middle?"

[Nomad Jay]

Did you hear about the scarecrow who an award? He was outstanding his field.

[timelovesahero]

What do you get when you mix a joke with a rhetorical question?

[Ohai]

Did you hear about the man who was in a terrible car accident last weekend? He lost his left side. He's all right, now!

A teddy bear walks into a bar and the bartender says, "Do you want anything before I close the kitchen?"
To which he replies, "No thanks, I'm stuffed!"

 

What did the well casket say to the sick casket?
"Is that you coffin?"

[Knight Solaire]

What's the difference between an elephant and a carton of milk ?

*person says "I don't know"*

Well I won't be sending you to do the shopping so

[Kunai]

Two guys walk into a bar. You think the second guy would have seen it.

 

There are 10 types of people in the world. Those who understand binary and those who don't.

 

Why don't math jokes work in octal. Because seven ten eleven. 

 

Worst ones I can think of right now.

[UltanBoyd]

That joke only works in America. Here in the UK he's pronounced more like "van Goff", but I believe the correct pronunciation is more like "van Gokh".

Actually it's more of a Van Hoeuuughuuuu where English doesn't have the sound.

 

Why couldn't the bicycle stand up? It was two tired!

 

I was gonna tell a joke about sodium and hydrogen but NaH!

[Jittersthe.Clown]

Why don't you tell a joke to an egg?

They'll crack up.

 

What do you call a bear that got caught in the rain?

A drizzly bear

 

And not so clean:
What is black, white and red and has trouble going through a revolving door?

A nun with a spear through her.

[DELETED]

why cant you take a pokemon to the bathroom with you? he might Pikachu.

 

why is six afraid of seven? because seven eight nine.

 

 

Two nuns are driving through Transylvania (don't ask, it's a long story) when Dracula leaps out of the darkness!

"What do I do?" asks the first nun, a novice only recently inducted into the order.

"Show him your cross," replies the second nun, the mother superior.

The novice winds down her window, leans out and shouts "Oi! Get out of the way, you toothy old git!"

 

I laughed way too much at this.

[Vella]

OH my gosh I love these threads.  I have laughed way, way too hard.  Mostly at the anti-jokes.

 

Speaking of:

 

What do a squirrel and a rubber hose have in common?

They're both made of rubber.  Except the squirrel.

[Artinum]

My dog has no nose.

How does he smell?

He doesn't, he hasn't got a nose.

 

Or then there's Gandhi. This renowned and spiritual man spent most of his life without shoes, so his feet became sore. His religious beliefs meant he ate a very restricted diet, so over time he became thin and frail, and this diet led to terrible bad breath. So he was a super-calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.

[StarGazer]

I wish I could contribute, I love bad jokes. But I am also terrible at remembering them to share with others. Sadness.

 

Or then there's Gandhi. This renowned and spiritual man spent most of his life without shoes, so his feet became sore. His religious beliefs meant he ate a very restricted diet, so over time he became thin and frail, and this diet led to terrible bad breath. So he was a super-calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.

 

Love it!

[Artinum]

Getting the punchlines wrong only makes them even worse. Go for it!

[Artinum]

Here's one I posted on Facebook a little while ago. You may need to know a little about the British monarchy to appreciate it, but I know little about the British monarchy myself and I wrote it, so you'll probably be fine.

 

I want Camilla Parker-Bowles to take up baking. I want her to become an expert at eclairs, a creator of cakes, a purveyor of puddings. I want her name to become synonymous with sweet after-dinner treats. I want everyone to enjoy an excellent afters and think "ah, that one was worthy of Camilla."

Because that way, when Prince Charles becomes King, we will know her as Camilla, Queen of the Dessert.

[Nomad Jay]

Q: What do you call a woman with one leg shorter than the other?

A: Ilene.

[Messerjocke2000]

Two really cringeworthy ones:

 

How do you make a cat bark?

Douse with gasoline and hold a matchstick to it.

*WOOF*

 

How do you make a dog meow?

freeze it and run it over a circular saw.

*Meow*

 

 

[Messerjocke2000]

What´s the difference between a piano and a guitar?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

The piano burns a lot longer...

[Jittersthe.Clown]

A man and his wife were spending a relaxing day at home one when the wife asks her husband; "If I were to die, would you get married again?"  The husband say, "Definitely not".  The wife looks at him and asks, "Why not, don't you like being married"?  He says, "Of course I do", and she asks, "Then why wouldn't you remarry"?  Feeling a bit trapped, the man says, "Okay, I would, then".  

His wife gets a hurtful look in her eyes and asks, "Would you sleep with her in our bed?", to which he says, "Where else would we sleep"?  Our gal takes it another step and asks him, "What about my pictures, would you replace all of them with hers"?  The husband says, "It would seem like the proper thing to do".  

Bordering on tears, she asks her husband, "Would you let her use my golf clubs"?  The husband spoke before he thought it through, "She can't use them; she's left handed".

[Artinum]

A wife with golf clubs? Come on! Be sensible!

[Jittersthe.Clown]

Funny, but mine has a set of clubs.  

How does the computer catch fish?  

With the internet

 

What did the painter name his son?

Art

 

Why did the mother crab scold her children?

They were being Shell-fish

 

What happened to the elephant who ran away with the circus?
The police made him bring it back

 

Why do birds fly south in the winter?

Because it's too far to walk

 

What do you call a pig that knows karate?

A pork chop

 

What did the banana say to the monkey?

Nothing, bananas can't talk

 

And a personal favorite that I have to turn into a skit

What do you do if you're attacked by a group of clowns?

Go for the juggler

[Artinum]

A friend on Facebook posted these:

 

1. How do you put a giraffe into a refrigerator?
The correct answer is: Open the refrigerator, put in the giraffe, and close the door.

2. How do you put an elephant into a refrigerator? Did you say open the refrigerator, put in the elephant, and close the refrigerator? Wrong Answer.
Correct Answer: Open the refrigerator, take out the giraffe, put in the elephant and close the door.

3. The Lion King is hosting an animal conference. All the animals attend except one. Which animal does not attend?
Correct Answer: The Elephant. The elephant is in the refrigerator. You just put him in there.

4. There is a river you must cross but it is used by crocodiles, and you do not have a boat. How do you manage it?
Correct answer: Jump in and swim across. All the crocodiles are at the meeting.

[StarGazer]

Oh! I finally remembered one. This came from a candy wrapper of a friend of mine in undergrad. He used to read is the jokes and see if we could get them (and they were terrible!).

 

Somehow I got this one right off the bat. That was the end of that game.

 

What is round and blue?

 

An orange holding its breath.

 

Yep. I still don't know how I actually answered that correctly either. But it was awesome.

[Jittersthe.Clown]

So, an Irishman walks out of a bar...

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

...it could happen