Knight Solaire Posted October 15, 2013 Report Share Posted October 15, 2013 An Irish man applies for a job at horse racing track He gets asked do you know how to shoe a horse ? He replies no but I once told a donkey to f*ck off P.s I am Irish lol Quote Link to comment
Knight Solaire Posted October 15, 2013 Report Share Posted October 15, 2013 A Portuguese man walks into an Irish fruit and veg shop. He starts examining the produce. He picks up a melon and says "this is pathetic in my country we grow melons twice this big." He picks up an apple and says " is this all you have ? Apples are twice as big in my country" He picks up a head of cabbage and the shopkeeper says "I've had enough of you mauling my produce, would you put that feckin Brussels sprout down !" Quote Link to comment
Gwenhwyfar Posted October 16, 2013 Report Share Posted October 16, 2013 Some jokes I made up myself: Why was the hip hopper dissatisfied with his Greek salad?Cuz it didn't have a beet! Why would Coca Cola be so successful in the music industry?They'd make excellent pop stars! (People in the midwest would get it, lol). You know, in London, everyone has a brother named Big Ben.... (Okay, I made that up on the spot! Shoot me!) Joke I did not make: Wanna hear a pizza joke?Nevermind, it's TOO CHEESY! Quote <p>Gwenhwyfar, level 0 Wild elf adventurerSTR 0|DEX 0|STA 0|CON 0|WIS 0|CHA 0 Link to comment
Knight Solaire Posted October 17, 2013 Report Share Posted October 17, 2013 Wanna hear a pizza joke? Nevermind, it's TOO CHEESY! On that note, wanna hear a joke about my p**is ? Never mind it's too long Woman: wanna hear a joke about my va***a ? Never mind you'll never get it Quote Link to comment
Jittersthe.Clown Posted October 17, 2013 Report Share Posted October 17, 2013 On that note, wanna hear a joke about my p**is ? Never mind it's too long Woman: wanna hear a joke about my va***a ? Never mind you'll never get itoh, man, that's funny! Another anti-joke that is not suitable for young ears and may offend those who are delicate flowers. You've been warned How do you get a nun pregnant? You f**k her. That was my grandma's favorite joke. Quote Level 2 Warforged Druid STR: 2, DEX: 1, STA: 3, CON: 3, WIS: 2, CHA: 3 "If these people tell this story to their children as they sleep; then maybe someday they'll see a hero is just a man who knows he is free." Good night and joy be to you all ~Jitters The. Clown Current Challange: New Challenges Ahead! Battle Log: Clowning around daily Past Challenges: Leveling Up PvP Jump Rope Boss Continue? System Failure Systems Online Calling Rush Confirm Reset Select World Select Difficulty, Select Character, Repairs, Press Start, First Timer, Jump Rope PVP Challenge Link to comment
Tony Posted October 17, 2013 Report Share Posted October 17, 2013 I'll have to use that one. Thanks Jitters. Here's the anti-joke I always tell:"You know why one side of a ducks' flying V is always longer than the other? There's more ducks in it." It's a very bad joke, even for an anti-joke, but the look of disappointment is priceless. Quote Ghoul MonkLevel 6 Push ups: Yellow Belt Link to comment
Gwenhwyfar Posted October 17, 2013 Report Share Posted October 17, 2013 "Three people of different nationalities walk into a bar. Two of them say something smart, and the third one makes a mockery of his fellow countrymen by acting stupid." - Bill Bailey Quote <p>Gwenhwyfar, level 0 Wild elf adventurerSTR 0|DEX 0|STA 0|CON 0|WIS 0|CHA 0 Link to comment
Jittersthe.Clown Posted October 17, 2013 Report Share Posted October 17, 2013 I'll have to use that one. Thanks Jitters. Here's the anti-joke I always tell:"You know why one side of a ducks' flying V is always longer than the other? There's more ducks in it." It's a very bad joke, even for an anti-joke, but the look of disappointment is priceless.I love that joke. My Cub Scouts always took a few minutes to get it. Quote Level 2 Warforged Druid STR: 2, DEX: 1, STA: 3, CON: 3, WIS: 2, CHA: 3 "If these people tell this story to their children as they sleep; then maybe someday they'll see a hero is just a man who knows he is free." Good night and joy be to you all ~Jitters The. Clown Current Challange: New Challenges Ahead! Battle Log: Clowning around daily Past Challenges: Leveling Up PvP Jump Rope Boss Continue? System Failure Systems Online Calling Rush Confirm Reset Select World Select Difficulty, Select Character, Repairs, Press Start, First Timer, Jump Rope PVP Challenge Link to comment
kiruji Posted October 17, 2013 Report Share Posted October 17, 2013 A dyslexic man walked into a bra... Two cows standing in a field. The first one says "Mooooooo." The second says "Bastard, I was going to say that." Another two cows standing in a field. The first one turns to the second and says "Have you heard about that mad cow disease going round?" The second says "Doesn't worry me mate, I'm a helicopter." 1 Quote Link to comment
Vella Posted October 21, 2013 Report Share Posted October 21, 2013 I'll have to use that one. Thanks Jitters. Here's the anti-joke I always tell:"You know why one side of a ducks' flying V is always longer than the other? There's more ducks in it." It's a very bad joke, even for an anti-joke, but the look of disappointment is priceless. No joke, I just cackled for at least a minute. I'm not sure whether it was because I found the joke hilarious, or because I cannot wait to unleash it on friends and family. As an amateur harpist, these amusing: What's the difference between a harp and a motorcycle?You can tune the motorcycle. How do you get a harpist off your front porch?Pay for the pizza. Stephanie was a harpist, and she had a gig one evening. The night before, the flautist of her group suggested they go out, relax and unwind so they weren't too stressed the next day. Stephanie agreed, but made the flautist promise that he wouldn't let her get too drunk.They went out straight after practice, taking their instruments with them and everything, to a nightclub owned by Samuel Frank, a friend of the flautist's. The flautist did not keep his word, and soon, Stephanie was plastered. She insisted on playing some of their gig songs for the patrons of the nightclub, which was fine; they loved it, and the night went smoothly.The next day, they showed up for the gig, and Stephanie went to get her harp out of the care.It wasn't there.Tearfully, she went to the flautist and begged him to help her."Why, what happened?" he asked.She shouted at him, "I LEFT MY HARP IN SAM FRANK'S DISCO." I'll just ... I'll just go now. 2 Quote Previous challenges: (1) (2) (3) (4) (5) (6) Link to comment
Jittersthe.Clown Posted October 21, 2013 Report Share Posted October 21, 2013 That was awesome. I... I...... There are no words. That's getting retold this weekend Quote Level 2 Warforged Druid STR: 2, DEX: 1, STA: 3, CON: 3, WIS: 2, CHA: 3 "If these people tell this story to their children as they sleep; then maybe someday they'll see a hero is just a man who knows he is free." Good night and joy be to you all ~Jitters The. Clown Current Challange: New Challenges Ahead! Battle Log: Clowning around daily Past Challenges: Leveling Up PvP Jump Rope Boss Continue? System Failure Systems Online Calling Rush Confirm Reset Select World Select Difficulty, Select Character, Repairs, Press Start, First Timer, Jump Rope PVP Challenge Link to comment
Vella Posted October 21, 2013 Report Share Posted October 21, 2013 That was awesome. I... I...... There are no words. That's getting retold this weekend I don't know if this was a response to the Sam Frank's Disco joke, but I'm going to pretend it is even if it's not because that joke is amazing. Quote Previous challenges: (1) (2) (3) (4) (5) (6) Link to comment
Jittersthe.Clown Posted October 21, 2013 Report Share Posted October 21, 2013 It was. So this is a little insensitive (YOU'VE BEEN WARNED), but it still made me laugh. What's the opposite of Christopher Reeve? Christopher Walken 2 Quote Level 2 Warforged Druid STR: 2, DEX: 1, STA: 3, CON: 3, WIS: 2, CHA: 3 "If these people tell this story to their children as they sleep; then maybe someday they'll see a hero is just a man who knows he is free." Good night and joy be to you all ~Jitters The. Clown Current Challange: New Challenges Ahead! Battle Log: Clowning around daily Past Challenges: Leveling Up PvP Jump Rope Boss Continue? System Failure Systems Online Calling Rush Confirm Reset Select World Select Difficulty, Select Character, Repairs, Press Start, First Timer, Jump Rope PVP Challenge Link to comment
Gwenhwyfar Posted October 21, 2013 Report Share Posted October 21, 2013 Speaking of musical jokes, I have some of my own! I heard it from my orchestra teacher back in high school. "Mommy," said the little girl, "can I get pregnant by anal intercourse?""Of course you can." her mother replied. "How do you think conductors are made?" How many sopranos does it take to screw in a light bulb?One to hold up the light bulb and wait for the world to revolve around her. How do you make a double bass sound in tune?Chop it up and make it into a xylophone. A double bass player arrived a few minutes late for the first rehearsal of the local choral society's annual performance of Handel's Messiah.He picked up his instrument and bow, and turned his attention to the conductor. The conductor asked, "Would you like a moment to tune?"The bass player replied with some surprise, "Why? Isn't it the same as last year?" Why are viola jokes so short?So violinists can understand them. Why don't viola players suffer from piles (hæmorrhoids)?Because all the assholes are in the first violin section. How do you get a violin to sound like a viola?1. Sit in the back and don't play.2. Play in the low register with a lot of wrong notes. What's the difference between a violin and a viola?There is no difference. The violin just looks smaller because the violinist's head is so much bigger. Why are violas so large?It's an optical illusion. It's not that the violas are large; just that the viola players' heads are so small. How many altos does it take to screw in a light bulb?Two; one to screw it in and the other to say, "Isn't that a little high for you?" A conductor and a violist are standing in the middle of the road. which one do you run over first, and why?The conductor. Business before pleasure. Why are conductor's hearts so coveted for transplants?They've had so little use. What's the difference between a viola and a coffin?The coffin has the dead person on the inside. What do you do with a dead violist?Move him back a desk. What do do with a horn player that can't play?Give him two sticks, put him in the back, and call him a percussionist.What do you do if he can't do that?Take away one of the sticks, put him up front, and call him a conductor. A musician calls the symphony office to talk to the conductor. "I'm sorry,he's dead," comes the reply.The musician calls back 25 times, always getting the same reply from the receptionist. At last she asks him why he keeps calling. "I just like to hear you say it." Okay! A lot of them I looked up, but I remember the teacher telling some of these jokes! xD The rest I thought were funny. I definitely remember the first two. Edit: I keep editing and adding more jokes, lol! I need to stop! xD Still more I recall the teacher saying and others I just find funny! Quote <p>Gwenhwyfar, level 0 Wild elf adventurerSTR 0|DEX 0|STA 0|CON 0|WIS 0|CHA 0 Link to comment
Volki Posted October 23, 2013 Report Share Posted October 23, 2013 2 olives on a table, one falls off, the other one calls down "are you ok?" the othe one looks up and says "I'll live" What does a baby computer call his father? data Quote Link to comment
AmberVon Posted October 23, 2013 Report Share Posted October 23, 2013 So.... the world's worst limbo dancer walks into a bar.... 4 Quote "Saruman believes it is only great power that can hold evil in check, but that is not what I have found. I found it is the small everyday deeds of ordinary folk that keep the darkness at bay... small acts of kindness and love." Link to comment
Jittersthe.Clown Posted October 24, 2013 Report Share Posted October 24, 2013 So.... the world's worst limbo dancer walks into a bar....That's great! Quote Level 2 Warforged Druid STR: 2, DEX: 1, STA: 3, CON: 3, WIS: 2, CHA: 3 "If these people tell this story to their children as they sleep; then maybe someday they'll see a hero is just a man who knows he is free." Good night and joy be to you all ~Jitters The. Clown Current Challange: New Challenges Ahead! Battle Log: Clowning around daily Past Challenges: Leveling Up PvP Jump Rope Boss Continue? System Failure Systems Online Calling Rush Confirm Reset Select World Select Difficulty, Select Character, Repairs, Press Start, First Timer, Jump Rope PVP Challenge Link to comment
Vella Posted October 24, 2013 Report Share Posted October 24, 2013 So.... the world's worst limbo dancer walks into a bar.... ...I laughed waaaay waaaaay too hard. Quote Previous challenges: (1) (2) (3) (4) (5) (6) Link to comment
AmberVon Posted October 28, 2013 Report Share Posted October 28, 2013 I love telling that to people in real time because usually they just stare at you blankly for several seconds before they finally get it. 1 Quote "Saruman believes it is only great power that can hold evil in check, but that is not what I have found. I found it is the small everyday deeds of ordinary folk that keep the darkness at bay... small acts of kindness and love." Link to comment
Thetemplarreservist Posted October 29, 2013 Report Share Posted October 29, 2013 What's the difference between bird flu and swine flu If you have bird flu, you need tweetment. If you have swine flu, you need oink-ment. Quote “Happiness consists in getting enough sleep. Just that, nothing more.†Starship Troopers “There are no dangerous weapons; there are only dangerous men.†Starship Troopers “Violence, naked force, has settled more issues in history than has any other factor, and the contrary opinion is wishful thinking at its worst. Breeds that forget this basic truth have always paid for it with their lives and their freedoms†Starship Troopers Follow and comment for my current challenge at this link: http://rebellion.nerdfitness.com/index.php?/topic/39940-toms-adventures-in-rangering And this is my Battle Loghttp://rebellion.nerdfitness.com/index.php?/topic/38791-early-morning-challange/page-2 Link to comment
Jittersthe.Clown Posted October 29, 2013 Report Share Posted October 29, 2013 What's the difference between bird flu and swine flu If you have bird flu, you need tweetment. If you have swine flu, you need oink-ment.Nice So.... the world's worst limbo dancer walks into a bar....I told that to my brother today at lunch. He stared at me till the smile of recognition came across his face. It's coming with me to circus this year. Quote Level 2 Warforged Druid STR: 2, DEX: 1, STA: 3, CON: 3, WIS: 2, CHA: 3 "If these people tell this story to their children as they sleep; then maybe someday they'll see a hero is just a man who knows he is free." Good night and joy be to you all ~Jitters The. Clown Current Challange: New Challenges Ahead! Battle Log: Clowning around daily Past Challenges: Leveling Up PvP Jump Rope Boss Continue? System Failure Systems Online Calling Rush Confirm Reset Select World Select Difficulty, Select Character, Repairs, Press Start, First Timer, Jump Rope PVP Challenge Link to comment
Daisygirl Posted October 30, 2013 Report Share Posted October 30, 2013 A drunk goes into a bar. The bartender tosses him out as he is too drunk.The drunk walks back into the bar. Again, the bartender throws him out for being too drunk. Again the drunk walks into the bar.The bartender is just about the throw him out when the drunk looks at him and says,"How many bars do you own, anyway?" LOVE this one hahaha!!! whatever you do in life, always give 100%. unless ur donating blood accidentally pooped my pants in the elevator.. im taking this shit to a whole new level I accidentally called 111 so i set my house on fire so i wouldnt look stupid 1 Quote “Life should not be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in a pretty and well preserved body, but rather to skid in broadside in a cloud of smoke, thoroughly used up, totally worn out, and loudly proclaiming "Wow! What a ride!â€Hunter S. Thompson Current Challenge, Previous Challenge, Daily Battle Log Level 1 Hobbit ScoutSTR 5|DEX 1|STA 5|CON 2|WIS 1|CHA 1 Link to comment
Daisygirl Posted October 30, 2013 Report Share Posted October 30, 2013 OH OH and these ones -- My mothers a redhead. No hair, just a red head. --Why do elephants paint their toenails pink?So they can hide up cherry trees --Why are alligators flat?Because they hang around in cherry orchards. Quote “Life should not be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in a pretty and well preserved body, but rather to skid in broadside in a cloud of smoke, thoroughly used up, totally worn out, and loudly proclaiming "Wow! What a ride!â€Hunter S. Thompson Current Challenge, Previous Challenge, Daily Battle Log Level 1 Hobbit ScoutSTR 5|DEX 1|STA 5|CON 2|WIS 1|CHA 1 Link to comment
Minty Keen Posted November 5, 2013 Report Share Posted November 5, 2013 OMG I just heard a great one in a TV show - "Your momma's so fat, her blood type is Ragu." I think it was funnier because it was a vampire who said it. Quote Primal ChaiRace: Human | Class: Adventurer [Level: 0 | STR 0 | DEX 0 | STA 0 | CON 0 | WIS 0 | CHA 0 ] "That which can be asserted without evidence, can be dismissed without evidence." - Christopher Hitchens Link to comment
Basement Cat Posted November 6, 2013 Report Share Posted November 6, 2013 Great thread! Here's a science one: Two atoms are talking to each other. The first one says: I think I've lost an electron!The second: Aw man, are you sure?The first one: I'm positive! 2 Quote Current form: Chubby House Cat (lvl4) Weight objective: 20% S. 4 P. 6 E. 4 C. 7 I. 8 A. 4 L. 5 Battle log Current Challenge Handy linky. Link to comment
Recommended Posts
Join the conversation
You can post now and register later. If you have an account, sign in now to post with your account.