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Milythael - Two Steps Backwards - Three Steps Ahead


milythael

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Now, I'm hiding again and not at all sure I will leave this room by myself all weekend. I'm ashamed of my fear, my willpower, and my overabundance of tears. I'm afraid of going back to any number of states from the last four years. I do not want to be suicidal, helpless, sleepless, or powerless again. I am not willing to subject myself to the psychological quackery of mental health care in this country, nor the endless parade of medications, side effects, and constant pressure to undergo drastic life and personality altering procedures. I already don't recognize who I am. I can barely hold a part time job, and I am standing at the top of a financial abyss threatening not just me, but also my ex wife who doesn't deserve to be part of my collapse.

Minute to minute, day to day, i struggle to mark time while standing on a slowly accelerating avalanche that is the shambles of my life.

I don't know what success or progress even look like anymore, but I do know this, I give free hugs.

 

 

I read this.... 

 

and then I watched your video... 

 

and now I am sitting here sobbing... that video... the part where it said the kids definition of beautiful starts with mom... my little boy told me the other day (I was asking him about his self image and then I asked him if he thought I was fat or ugly) "you are round mom but all kinds of things that are round are beautiful, bubbles, the sun, raindrops, eggs, and you are the most beautiful round thing I have ever seen and you are stronger than sulfuric acid" 

 

 

 

you made me think of lyrics to one of my favorite songs... I love love love the thoughts and sentiments behind it... here is the part I am thinking of... 

 

Friend I don't know where you are

And I don't know where you've been

Maybe you're fighting for your life

Or just about to throw the towel in

But if you're crying out for mercy

If there's no hope left at all

If you've given everything you've got

And you're still about to fall

Well hold on, hold on, hold on

'Cause I believe always always

Our Savior never fails

Even when all faith is gone

God knows our pain and His promise remains

Always, Always

He will be with you always

 

I don't know if you are a believer in God... but I believe He never fails... and I don't have to be strong enough... because He is strong enough to carry me in my weakness... 

 

Mily... I love you...  you are a beautiful spirit... you are a thoughtful and caring and awesome being... and you have so many endearing qualities... 

 

I am so sorry that you are having this anxiety... and these fears... and these issues... 

 

I wish I could take them from you... I wish I could help... but all I can say is that I understand... and I feel your pain... and I am crying for you... 

 

and... it will get better :)

 

 

<great big glompy stompy squishing out your guts hugs until your eyes pop out>

 

and then again

 

hugs :)

Level 10.4 Wood-Elf, Ranger - specializing in demon fighting

"doing the impossible since 2012 :D" - Librarian of Doom

facebook battle log level 50 WOOT   Backstory CNF2014  current (not challenge - doing a battle log this time)

Spoiler

 

* This is the day the Lord has made, rejoice in it and be glad. God, The Bible. * Do or do not, there is no try. - Yoda
* There are three options in this life; be good, get good, or give up. -- House * Never take counsel of your fears. Stonewall Jackson. 

* level 50 isn't gonna just POOF happen - alienjenn, NF IRC chatroom

 

* I'm not about to give up - Because I heard you say - There's gonna be brighter days… I won't stop, I'll keep my head up - No, I'm not here to stay ...  - 

 I just might bend but I won't break - As long as I can see your face - When life won't play along - And right keeps going wrong - And I can't seem to find my way - I know where I am found - So I won't let it drag me down - Oh, I'll keep dancing anyway - Mercy Me - Move

 

 

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Well, that sounds like the best hug ever

 

 

I like to hug :)

Level 10.4 Wood-Elf, Ranger - specializing in demon fighting

"doing the impossible since 2012 :D" - Librarian of Doom

facebook battle log level 50 WOOT   Backstory CNF2014  current (not challenge - doing a battle log this time)

Spoiler

 

* This is the day the Lord has made, rejoice in it and be glad. God, The Bible. * Do or do not, there is no try. - Yoda
* There are three options in this life; be good, get good, or give up. -- House * Never take counsel of your fears. Stonewall Jackson. 

* level 50 isn't gonna just POOF happen - alienjenn, NF IRC chatroom

 

* I'm not about to give up - Because I heard you say - There's gonna be brighter days… I won't stop, I'll keep my head up - No, I'm not here to stay ...  - 

 I just might bend but I won't break - As long as I can see your face - When life won't play along - And right keeps going wrong - And I can't seem to find my way - I know where I am found - So I won't let it drag me down - Oh, I'll keep dancing anyway - Mercy Me - Move

 

 

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You are strong. Stronger than your fears. We believe you can get past this! I wish we could all swoop in like true assassins and rescue you but sometimes you have to be your own hero...

(I can't find this picture anywhere else but I know I posted it here)

 

I know there's a superhero inside there hiding. Just let him out and see what he can do :)

BlackWidowEowyn


Lvl 6 Hobbit Assassin


"Obstacles can't stop you, problems can't stop you. Most of all, other people can't stop you. Only you can stop you. " – J. Gitomer


"A vision of a champion is someone who is bent over drenched in sweat, at the point of exhaustion, when no one else is watching. "– Anson Dorrance


My kick in the Pants, #1, #2, #3, #4, #5


@missmajachere

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Wow. It sounds like you're dealing with a lot, and like it would be completely overwhelming for anyone.

 

Just remember that you don't have to get through from this moment until infinity.  You only have to do what you can in the next minute.  And once you've conquered that minute, do what you can in the next minute.  One step at a time.

 

You have a lot of allies around here who care for you tons, myself included.

 

The whole big picture may be scary and overwhelming, but you don't have to conquer it all at once.  Sending lots of hugs your way.

You gotta experiment to find out what works for you.
PM me with any questions about, well, anything! :)
Current challenge: Catspaw Starts Strong

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I am so sorry you have having have had a rough day :(  Everyone else has said everything more eloquently than I could. You can crawl out of this. *extra hugs*

 

 

You are strong. Stronger than your fears. We believe you can get past this! I wish we could all swoop in like true assassins and rescue you but sometimes you have to be your own hero...

(I can't find this picture anywhere else but I know I posted it here)

 

I know there's a superhero inside there hiding. Just let him out and see what he can do :)

 

I LOVE this!!

STR 7.2 | DEX 3.5 | STA 5.8 | CON 8.4 | WIS 5.55 | CHA 5.5

 

Most Recent Challenge

 

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I read this.... 

 

and then I watched your video... 

 

and now I am sitting here sobbing... that video... the part where it said the kids definition of beautiful starts with mom... my little boy told me the other day (I was asking him about his self image and then I asked him if he thought I was fat or ugly) "you are round mom but all kinds of things that are round are beautiful, bubbles, the sun, raindrops, eggs, and you are the most beautiful round thing I have ever seen and you are stronger than sulfuric acid" 

 

 

 

you made me think of lyrics to one of my favorite songs... I love love love the thoughts and sentiments behind it... here is the part I am thinking of... 

 

Friend I don't know where you are

And I don't know where you've been

Maybe you're fighting for your life

Or just about to throw the towel in

But if you're crying out for mercy

If there's no hope left at all

If you've given everything you've got

And you're still about to fall

Well hold on, hold on, hold on

'Cause I believe always always

Our Savior never fails

Even when all faith is gone

God knows our pain and His promise remains

Always, Always

He will be with you always

 

I don't know if you are a believer in God... but I believe He never fails... and I don't have to be strong enough... because He is strong enough to carry me in my weakness... 

 

Mily... I love you...  you are a beautiful spirit... you are a thoughtful and caring and awesome being... and you have so many endearing qualities... 

 

I am so sorry that you are having this anxiety... and these fears... and these issues... 

 

I wish I could take them from you... I wish I could help... but all I can say is that I understand... and I feel your pain... and I am crying for you... 

 

and... it will get better :)

 

 

<great big glompy stompy squishing out your guts hugs until your eyes pop out>

 

and then again

 

hugs :)

That video hits me deep and hard every time I hear it. Thank you for watching it and relating your response and experiences. Your son sounds awesome.

I am not Christian and I do not believe in an omniscient, omnipotent, and beneficent God. This does not prevent me from finding meaningful beauty and solace in the words of those who do. Thank you for sharing that song.

Thank you as well for loving me and for giving me a glimpse of myself from your eyes. I love you too.

Your tears on my behalf are also greatly appreciated, and perhaps helped lessen the buckets i shed today.

Finally, that does sound like a great hug, and i really need more hugs like that these days.

Milythael Assassin

Current Activity: 5 Week Challenge - June 20 - July 24, 2021

Past Activity: 

Spoiler

Challenges: Intro, 123, 4567, 891011
PVPs: Demon Slaying, HOoRAY, Meditation,
 Poses, Juggling 30/30 Squat

 

 

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You are strong. Stronger than your fears. We believe you can get past this! I wish we could all swoop in like true assassins and rescue you but sometimes you have to be your own hero...

(I can't find this picture anywhere else but I know I posted it here)

 

I know there's a superhero inside there hiding. Just let him out and see what he can do :)

Thank you so much. I hope I can let my hero out thanks to your inspiration. He might have had too much kryptonite soup, but I'm sure he will recover soon.

Milythael Assassin

Current Activity: 5 Week Challenge - June 20 - July 24, 2021

Past Activity: 

Spoiler

Challenges: Intro, 123, 4567, 891011
PVPs: Demon Slaying, HOoRAY, Meditation,
 Poses, Juggling 30/30 Squat

 

 

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Wow. It sounds like you're dealing with a lot, and like it would be completely overwhelming for anyone.

 

Just remember that you don't have to get through from this moment until infinity.  You only have to do what you can in the next minute.  And once you've conquered that minute, do what you can in the next minute.  One step at a time.

 

You have a lot of allies around here who care for you tons, myself included.

 

The whole big picture may be scary and overwhelming, but you don't have to conquer it all at once.  Sending lots of hugs your way.

A minute at a time may need to be my new mantra for a while.

Thank you so much for your support. I look up to you more than you will ever realize, and it means a lot to me to have it.

Milythael Assassin

Current Activity: 5 Week Challenge - June 20 - July 24, 2021

Past Activity: 

Spoiler

Challenges: Intro, 123, 4567, 891011
PVPs: Demon Slaying, HOoRAY, Meditation,
 Poses, Juggling 30/30 Squat

 

 

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I am so sorry you have having have had a rough day :( Everyone else has said everything more eloquently than I could. You can crawl out of this. *extra hugs*

I LOVE this!!

You sell yourself short in the eloquence department, but I forgive you for it. You were there for me today and helped me through the worst of my time in public. Thank you so very much for your friendship and love. Today would have been much, much worse without your help.

Milythael Assassin

Current Activity: 5 Week Challenge - June 20 - July 24, 2021

Past Activity: 

Spoiler

Challenges: Intro, 123, 4567, 891011
PVPs: Demon Slaying, HOoRAY, Meditation,
 Poses, Juggling 30/30 Squat

 

 

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After hours of painting saline angels on my bed, I finally seem to have achieved some equilibrium, though I might be a bit worse for wear. I am exhausted, drained, spent, hungry and have a terrible headache, but all of that is better than my emotional state earlier. I give myself permission to hide the next couple days if that is all I feel up to.

The love and respect, concern and care you have all shown me has helped a lot.

Milythael Assassin

Current Activity: 5 Week Challenge - June 20 - July 24, 2021

Past Activity: 

Spoiler

Challenges: Intro, 123, 4567, 891011
PVPs: Demon Slaying, HOoRAY, Meditation,
 Poses, Juggling 30/30 Squat

 

 

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This video is incredibly powerful and touching. I am speechless.

 

*a few minutes later*

 

Hide, hide as long as you need to. There is no shame in needing to hide, in needing to preserve yourself from what hurts you or makes you feel overwhelmed. Cry, cry as much as you need to. Let your feelings get out, don't trap them, so cry, shout and cry some more if that is what makes you feel better and do it for as long as it helps you. Be scared, be scared until you feel strong enough to face your fears and destroy them one by one. It takes time to get to that point and it takes courage to admit that you are scared, more than to actually face these fears. There is nothing wrong with being fragile, in admitting that you are not at your strongest. It doesn't make you weak, it makes you honest and courageous. I admire you. I admire your courage, I admire your honesty, I admire your kindness.

Today, despite being in a dark place, you gave a stranger a hug. Despite wanting to go into hiding, you shared an intimate thing with a woman you did not know and will never see again. She will remember it for a long time and talk to her friends about that stranger who, in the middle of the street, one day, gave her a hug and made her day. Despite being in a dark place, you make the world better. And I thank you for that.

So, take your time. Be hurt, be scared, be fragile, hide for as long as you need; just know that there are people who see the greatness in you and love you for who you are as you are this very second.

Level 6 Amazon Assassin Ranger

 

 

challenges: #1 #2 #3 #4 #5

the rebuilding of the Amazon: #6

 

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:)

That video hits me deep and hard every time I hear it. Thank you for watching it and relating your response and experiences. Your son sounds awesome.

I am not Christian and I do not believe in an omniscient, omnipotent, and beneficent God. This does not prevent me from finding meaningful beauty and solace in the words of those who do. Thank you for sharing that song.

Thank you as well for loving me and for giving me a glimpse of myself from your eyes. I love you too.

Your tears on my behalf are also greatly appreciated, and perhaps helped lessen the buckets i shed today.

Finally, that does sound like a great hug, and i really need more hugs like that these days.

he is indeed awesome...

I think too often we let our internal views prejudice our interactions with the world... And it helps to be reoriented and recentered... You are an awesome human being... And you're been through some crap... (an understatement at best) and it colors you (somewhat like pickled beet juice... Or sharpie...) It seems to never fade until one day you look and realize the stains aren't so bad

I hope today is better for you and you can slay some demons...

Sent from my DROID X2 using Tapatalk 2

Level 10.4 Wood-Elf, Ranger - specializing in demon fighting

"doing the impossible since 2012 :D" - Librarian of Doom

facebook battle log level 50 WOOT   Backstory CNF2014  current (not challenge - doing a battle log this time)

Spoiler

 

* This is the day the Lord has made, rejoice in it and be glad. God, The Bible. * Do or do not, there is no try. - Yoda
* There are three options in this life; be good, get good, or give up. -- House * Never take counsel of your fears. Stonewall Jackson. 

* level 50 isn't gonna just POOF happen - alienjenn, NF IRC chatroom

 

* I'm not about to give up - Because I heard you say - There's gonna be brighter days… I won't stop, I'll keep my head up - No, I'm not here to stay ...  - 

 I just might bend but I won't break - As long as I can see your face - When life won't play along - And right keeps going wrong - And I can't seem to find my way - I know where I am found - So I won't let it drag me down - Oh, I'll keep dancing anyway - Mercy Me - Move

 

 

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Paleo: nope

Bike: nope

GMM: nope

Hugs: I met a fellow nerd to go to the zoo today. I hugged her hello and goodbye. On the way in to the zoo, a teen laughed at my sweatshirt. Rather than pay attention, I offered a hug and he accepted. Later, a woman said loudly near me, "I want a free hug," two or three times before I processed the sound and realized she was talking to me. I hugged her and a minute later she was back with her family. Two more wanted hugs, and then a third reluctantly decided he wanted one too. That makes a net of seven hugs today for six different recipients.

Then, I did my best to implode a relationship with a friend on IM. Now, I'm down, but nothing like yesterday. 1.5L of lambic are gone. My heart hurts. I'm lonely.

But, I give free hugs. One out of four. I could be doing worse.

Milythael Assassin

Current Activity: 5 Week Challenge - June 20 - July 24, 2021

Past Activity: 

Spoiler

Challenges: Intro, 123, 4567, 891011
PVPs: Demon Slaying, HOoRAY, Meditation,
 Poses, Juggling 30/30 Squat

 

 

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tl;dr I give free hugs.

"So we grew up believing no one would ever fall in love with us, that we'd be lonely forever."

Shane Koyczan - To This Day Project

When I was a young boy, my parents confronted me on the stairs of our two story duplex in base housing on Chanute AFB in Rantoul, IL. They accused me of being on drugs, and they wouldn't believe that I wasn't. That was the moment that I realized my parents didn't have the answers. I was a depressed child. I was already an outcast at school. No one appreciated a child with no history, and too much self confidence and intelligence for his own good. I wasn't precocious or cute. I was an alien, an outsider, and a threat. When faced with a depressed son, my parents assumed drugs, not alienation and bullying, were the culprit.

By this time, I was already an avid reader. I had read the lord of the rings twice. I read every day. When my parents grounded me for an entire summer, I was allowed library access and read all of the Hardy boys, and I had access to my parents' collection of paperbacks. As I rejected my parents as a source of moral guidance, I turned to the impossibly high standards of literature. I demanded perfect chivalry of myself to the extent that I let a girl give me a black eye rather than hit a girl. I believed that to be good, you had to be unaware of your goodness. (Thanks, Piers Anthony. You didn't mean to do it, but I still haven't fully recovered from that one. ) I grew up and developed impossibly high standards for myself that I could never live up to.

With every move, I became more separated from my peers. My rage at myself and the world grew and grew, but I bottled it up inside. I lived in constant terror of a slip of my self control that might leave someone dead. I had once nearly broken a boy's neck with a flying kick when he just wouldn't stop picking fights with me. That was when my parents' policy on fighting went from "you can finish it if you didn't start it" to "you can finish it once you've been hurt."

Rage, disappointment, shame (yeah, imagine how puberty went in those circumstances), all bottled up together in a seething brew just perfect for tormenting an introvert's soul. I was always the brunt of the joke, never accepted, an intellectual terror to teachers and students alike.

So, yeah, I grew up believing no one would ever fall in love with me. That I would forever be lonely. And the remarkable power of belief was such that I made it happen. Until one day, the sky cracked. My aching dead heart came to life, and I was faced for the first time in my life with the raw maddening power of love. It cannot be accurate to say I had less than an affair, but how many affairs never involve sex?

I am 41 years old and I have never lain with a woman I loved. I am lonely and hurting. I sabotage myself as often as not. But, I am not done. This is not over. There is still a chance that "they were wrong."

I am 41 years old and I stand here on a precipice, heralding in a new life. I cannot imagine the texture and content of the years ahead, but there will be bountiful love.

I am 41 years old. I give free hugs.

Milythael Assassin

Current Activity: 5 Week Challenge - June 20 - July 24, 2021

Past Activity: 

Spoiler

Challenges: Intro, 123, 4567, 891011
PVPs: Demon Slaying, HOoRAY, Meditation,
 Poses, Juggling 30/30 Squat

 

 

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Look what I found... 

and for some reason it made me think of you 

:)*big squishy hugs*

BlackWidowEowyn


Lvl 6 Hobbit Assassin


"Obstacles can't stop you, problems can't stop you. Most of all, other people can't stop you. Only you can stop you. " – J. Gitomer


"A vision of a champion is someone who is bent over drenched in sweat, at the point of exhaustion, when no one else is watching. "– Anson Dorrance


My kick in the Pants, #1, #2, #3, #4, #5


@missmajachere

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Mily, your story, despite being incredibly sad is, somehow beautiful and I believe, from the very bottom of my heart, that they were wrong. They were wrong. You have everything it takes and more to be loved. You deserve to be loved. You will be loved.

Level 6 Amazon Assassin Ranger

 

 

challenges: #1 #2 #3 #4 #5

the rebuilding of the Amazon: #6

 

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beMily, your story, despite being incredibly sad is, somehow beautiful and I believe, from the very bottom of my heart, that they were wrong. They were wrong. You have everything it takes and more to be loved. You deserve to be loved. You will be loved.

Agreeing with Chris. You will be loved. You are a caring,warm individual. I think many introverts (including myself) can see ourselves in what you wrote. We read books, and are inspired by them.Which is good. But then we think about it all so much and are so disappointed when we don't live up to the perfect characters in the book. Which of course we don't. To me what has helped is realizing that my friends do love me, even with all my faults. I hope that if you don't have those kind of friends in your life you find them. And if you do have them, I hope you not only give them hugs but accept their hugs and love too.  And know here that we are for you and say you a very worthwhile person .

Wisdom 21   Dexterity 11   Charisma 14   Strength 18  Constitution-12

Elastigirl Endeavors, Experiments, , and Explains - Current Challenge: May 9 to June 12 - Nerd Fitness Rebellion

"If more of us valued food and cheer and song, above hoarded gold, it would be a merrier world" J.R.R.Tolkien

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people are.... flawed

 

and sometimes parents (who are people) are flawed as well... 

 

and they screw up... and it sucks... and as a parent I can only hope I don't screw up as much as my parents did... 

 

and as a child... I can forgive my parents and move past... and only hope my children forgive me more than I forgave my parents... 

 

 

 

one of the things I am dealing with now is my loneliness... the feeling that I will never be loved and no one will ever want to kiss me again... the feeling that I will be alone for the rest of my life... 

 

but I have learned something... I am an intrinsically good person... I am beautiful... I am lovable... and one day I will find love... and when I do it will be hard work... because people are flawed... but... I will find someone who will work just as hard as I will... 

 

you are an intrinsically good person... you are beautiful... you are very lovable... and one day you will find love... 

Level 10.4 Wood-Elf, Ranger - specializing in demon fighting

"doing the impossible since 2012 :D" - Librarian of Doom

facebook battle log level 50 WOOT   Backstory CNF2014  current (not challenge - doing a battle log this time)

Spoiler

 

* This is the day the Lord has made, rejoice in it and be glad. God, The Bible. * Do or do not, there is no try. - Yoda
* There are three options in this life; be good, get good, or give up. -- House * Never take counsel of your fears. Stonewall Jackson. 

* level 50 isn't gonna just POOF happen - alienjenn, NF IRC chatroom

 

* I'm not about to give up - Because I heard you say - There's gonna be brighter days… I won't stop, I'll keep my head up - No, I'm not here to stay ...  - 

 I just might bend but I won't break - As long as I can see your face - When life won't play along - And right keeps going wrong - And I can't seem to find my way - I know where I am found - So I won't let it drag me down - Oh, I'll keep dancing anyway - Mercy Me - Move

 

 

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Mily ;-; I can't watch videos at work, but I did read all you wrote.

I can relate to a lot, though my story is probably completely different.

Either way, I just wanna scoop you up and take you over here ;w;

And like... make it all better... somehow... someway.

I think the fact you're giving out hugs is beautiful and brave and if that's all you can do right now, that's fine.

Life doesn't have to happen all at once.

Sometimes you have a bad day, sometimes a bad week. That's okay. We can't be all strong and powerful all the time.

Take your moments in solitude when you need them. Find peace within yourself and then peace with the outside world.

And if you ever need to talk about anything, or want help with something or whatever... just send me a message!!

"Continuous improvement is better than delayed perfection"

Epic Quest: Sif's list of awesome

Challenge: let's smash another year #low-carb #push-ups #intermittent fasting

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Sif rises once more (~2020): 1

The Return of Sif (~2018): 1, 2, 34567, 8

The Age of Kibcy (~2012/13): 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 89

 

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Mily, your story, despite being incredibly sad is, somehow beautiful and I believe, from the very bottom of my heart, that they were wrong. They were wrong. You have everything it takes and more to be loved. You deserve to be loved. You will be loved.

Every time, you touch me. I am worthy of love, even if it has taken me forty years to figure it out.

Sent from my DROID RAZR using Xparent Skyblue Tapatalk 2

Milythael Assassin

Current Activity: 5 Week Challenge - June 20 - July 24, 2021

Past Activity: 

Spoiler

Challenges: Intro, 123, 4567, 891011
PVPs: Demon Slaying, HOoRAY, Meditation,
 Poses, Juggling 30/30 Squat

 

 

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