I Think My Weight Loss Success is Discouraging My Wife

[CharlieBoston]

When 2013 began my wife and I decided to take part in a 90 day “The Biggest Loserâ€-style weight loss challenge amongst our friends and family. She was doing great at first and was on the top of the leaderboard for the first month. Then she lost motivation. She had a bad week of eating and it completely derailed her and when she fell out of the top three it’s like she gave up altogether. My wife is naturally pessimistic, which is in stark contrast to my generally positive attitude. When it came time to take our measurements at the beginning of March, she said that she doesn’t want to take her measurements and that I upset her by bringing it up (even though it’s something we had done at the beginning of January and February). She didn’t want to take the measurements because she had fallen off the wagon and was sure she didn’t lose any weight or drop any number of inches.

 

She’s also disgusted with the way her stomach looks after having two kids within 13 months of each other between 2011 and 2012, both via c-section. She’s convinced that she’s doomed to be overweight (she actually calls herself obese, but I disagree with her self-assessment) and I find it very difficult to motivate her because she counters my attempts at motivating her by saying I’m ACTUALLY insinuating something else that makes her feel worse. For instance, I said to her that if her and I get active and healthy then it will set a good example for our kids as they grow up. She countered that with, “That means you think I’m a bad mother.†After assuring her that was not the case, she asked me for some other words of motivation that wouldn’t make her feel bad and we just went back and forth with me trying to give her some positive motivation and her countering it with what she says I “really†meant. For as long as we’ve been together I have been trying to tell her that I don’t speak in subtext and that what I say is what I TRULY mean, but she thinks what she’s going to think. I finally got one that she liked, (Workout because it’s fun!) but it wasn’t enough to get her motivated and she finally just gave up on relying on me to motivate her and half-hearted a work out.

 

Finally, I think that seeing my continuing success and how my body is changing for the better is making her feel bad about giving up and in some roundabout way has sapped her of any motivation. Has anyone had experiences like this with their own spouse? I’d like her to get back on the horse. I want her and I to get more fit and more comfortable with our bodies TOGETHER. But given how she has reacted to my attempts at motivation I have no idea how to even broach the subject without making her feel like I’m calling her a big, fat, fatty (which is what she would think I mean when in fact I said nothing of the sort). Any suggestions would be appreciated.

[Cassandra]

I'm sorry to hear you're in this tricky situation. It's a hard enough journey without extra stress. I have had a similar scenario when myself and my then boyfriend when we began looking to get healthy and he discovered Nerd fitness. He did - is - doing incredibly well and has really jumped into the new regime and the weight is falling off, in fact, it was pretty much all he talked about. I was going through an unhealthy phase and gaining weight having been quite slim, so when he had this added success, I felt even worse. I lost my motivation and turned to eating worse than I had ever done. It makes you feel very insecure and the fact that he was constantly talking about this and that food, working out in front of me and telling me what I should and shouldn't do simply drove us further away. It is very difficult to watch your partner go off on the journey you so desperately wanted to and as much as you love and support them, you can't help those human feelings of envy and resentment. I think maybe try a different approach, nothing you say will make her feel better, she has to do this for her and make herself feel good. Maybe instead of trying to right every wrong, or instill motivation she simply isn't feeling, turn around and ask her - what does she want? I think the most shocking but probably the best response I ever got to me saying "I'm fat" was not "awww no you arn't, you're great" or "dont be silly" it was actually; "if you feel that way, then do something about it". Less emphasis on it for a while might help, then your partner wont feel pressure. But keep up your fantastic work! As you said, it's for your kiddies, this is just a bump in the road, your partner will find her way again. I hope this helps. 

[CharlieBoston]

I'm sorry to hear you're in this tricky situation. It's a hard enough journey without extra stress. I have had a similar scenario when myself and my then boyfriend when we began looking to get healthy and he discovered Nerd fitness. He did - is - doing incredibly well and has really jumped into the new regime and the weight is falling off, in fact, it was pretty much all he talked about. I was going through an unhealthy phase and gaining weight having been quite slim, so when he had this added success, I felt even worse. I lost my motivation and turned to eating worse than I had ever done. It makes you feel very insecure and the fact that he was constantly talking about this and that food, working out in front of me and telling me what I should and shouldn't do simply drove us further away. It is very difficult to watch your partner go off on the journey you so desperately wanted to and as much as you love and support them, you can't help those human feelings of envy and resentment. I think maybe try a different approach, nothing you say will make her feel better, she has to do this for her and make herself feel good. Maybe instead of trying to right every wrong, or instill motivation she simply isn't feeling, turn around and ask her - what does she want? I think the most shocking but probably the best response I ever got to me saying "I'm fat" was not "awww no you arn't, you're great" or "dont be silly" it was actually; "if you feel that way, then do something about it". Less emphasis on it for a while might help, then your partner wont feel pressure. But keep up your fantastic work! As you said, it's for your kiddies, this is just a bump in the road, your partner will find her way again. I hope this helps. 

 

Thanks. The thing I should add about our motivational back-and-forth is that she ASKED me to try and motivate her. I try to not be in her face about things because if she's just not feeling it, then I end up getting an earful. In the past I have said, "If you feel that way then do something about it" to her in response to "I'm fat." It went surprisingly better than my previous attempts at motivation. LOL.

 

I'm not always talking about eating healthy and working out. In fact, I hardly talk about it at all. That reminds me that she has said to me that it seems to come so easy to me to stay on track and stay motivated and that she wishes she could be like that. I told her that it actually is VERY hard for me to stay on track with my eating and to keep working out. It's gotten easier, but I still have many off days. Actually, this past week has been one of the lowest motivation weeks since I began running and working out again. One thing that can be said about me is that I'm introspective but l don't share my thoughts often or very well. This is largely due to having been alone a lot when I was in my 20s and I'm still not used to having someone I can talk to all the time. Mayhaps if I talked with her more about the struggles I face and whatnot she might see that it's not so different for me. The difference is that I shift my focus to see the struggles as a way to pat myself on the back when I overcome them.

 

One thing I keep trying to tell her when she says the it seems impossible to lose weight is that she had done it before. Not once, but twice! She lost 30 lbs and felt the best she had felt in a long time when we met. Then again when we were both working out and losing weight in preparation for our wedding. But since she got stretch marks from having two kids in relatively rapid succession and the scar that came with them, she says it's a different story now.

 

I'm sure she'll come around eventually and maybe if I vocalize my hardships with it will help her.

[Cassandra]

I think you've given yourself far better advice   It seems like you're doing absolutely everything right! And yes, you shouldn't be afraid to voice your struggles, it's not being negative, I think you're right in that your partner may find solace and comfort in the fact that you're both finding it hard - heck if it were easy, we'd all look incredible all of the time. Best of luck to you both anyway and it's just great you even trying, which is the right path to achieving your goals.

[Thilde]

My $0.02....okay, more like $1.25...

 

it wasn’t enough to get her motivated and she finally just gave up on relying on me to motivate her...

My thought is, this is because you can't.  You can't motivate someone else to do something they haven't already decided to do.  Once she truly decides to commit to getting healthier, your talks with her will definitely fuel her own self-motivation.  Until she finds a reason of her own to do it, you can motivate until you're blue in the face and it's most likely A) not going to help her and B ) could potentially cause more relationship strain.
 

The thing I should add about our motivational back-and-forth is that she ASKED me to try and motivate her.

This kindof reinforces my point above.  Looking outside of oneself for motivation is pretty much always going to end in failure, because human beings are just not wired with enough willpower reserves to make big change with little to no internal motivation.  The fact that she is asking for external motivation makes me think maybe she's a little scared to face this herself.....after all, if her motivation comes from you (or from any external thing) and she "fails" then it's not really her fault, right?
 
I ran into this with my husband too.  I was trying to get healthy and I felt like just being around him with my workouts and my diet (i.e. we could no longer eat the same meals because he didn't want to eat the way I was) was pissing him off.  And like you I didn't walk around bragging about fitness stuff or acting like a walking Wikipedia article for the paleo lifestyle, either.  Ultimately it got so stressful I thought I was going to get an ulcer.  He kept saying he wanted to get healthier but whenever we'd then talk about it, it would devolve and he would methodically shoot down everything I had to say, whether it was encouragement, suggestions, etc.  Ultimately I decided to just stop talking about it altogether.  Like, completely.  I didn't talk about NF anymore, or new paleo recipes I'd found, or new exercises, or goals or anything.  I just kept working on my own, and let that whole category of discussion topics drop out of our conversation.  He eventually stopped bringing it up too and we returned to a more typical relationship dynamic for us.  My thought then was this:  "I'm a grown adult and I have to make decisions for myself.  He is a grown adult and he has to make his own choices.  As much as his smoking and drinking scares the crap out of me and as much as I want him to get healthier so we can have a long life together, he's got to decide to do it on his own. "
 
After several months of that, he started making changes on his own.  Now he's cigarette/tobacco-free, drinks only 1x/wk (and only a couple craft beers, no more pounding a 12-pack of Natty Ice), eating mostly paleo, lifting weights, running, biking, and generally taking care of himself.    Pretty much without one word from me.  He told me a few weeks ago that "Seeing what you've done has inspired me to try it out for myself."  We do talk about fitness now, but only because he has developed his own reasons for doing it, his own goals, his own program that is different from mine, etc.  Your wife might be interested in and able to share a diet program and workout routine with you...I'm not saying you guys can't do stuff together.  I'm just saying that from what you've shared, it sounds like she really just needs to find her own reasons for doing this before your encouragement can truly help.  Seeing the changes happen in you might be just the thing she needs to get the courage to try it for herself.
 

One thing I keep trying to tell her when she says the it seems impossible to lose weight is that she had done it before. Not once, but twice! She lost 30 lbs and felt the best she had felt in a long time when we met. Then again when we were both working out and losing weight in preparation for our wedding. But since she got stretch marks from having two kids in relatively rapid succession and the scar that came with them, she says it's a different story now.

I do think talking about her past successes is an awesome thing.  Maybe not all the time and maybe not in great detail, as she may just be hypersensitive to fitness topics right now because of simultaneous desperate desire to be healthy and her fears of failing.  But yeah, on occasion and when she seems to be thinking of it herself, definitely remind her how great she has done in the past, how proud you are of her for the things she's done then and the things she's doing good in her life now, unrelated to fitness.  The fact that she has gotten fit before means she has the internal resources to do it again.  She just has to find a way to tap into those.  Sharing with her about your own struggles is a great idea too; that way she knows that it's not about being perfect, it's just about trying and not giving up. 
 
My experience with this is that this is a veeeerrry tough area to navigate in relationships, especially if there are other stressors involved, like raising kids in a busy world.  Fitness is a sensitive issue.  Hang in there.  You obviously care deeply for your wife and that is the best source of encouragement she could have. 

[CharlieBoston]

After several months of that, he started making changes on his own.  Now he's cigarette/tobacco-free, drinks only 1x/wk (and only a couple craft beers, no more pounding a 12-pack of Natty Ice), eating mostly paleo, lifting weights, running, biking, and generally taking care of himself.    Pretty much without one word from me.  He told me a few weeks ago that "Seeing what you've done has inspired me to try it out for myself."  We do talk about fitness now, but only because he has developed his own reasons for doing it, his own goals, his own program that is different from mine, etc.  Your wife might be interested in and able to share a diet program and workout routine with you...I'm not saying you guys can't do stuff together.  I'm just saying that from what you've shared, it sounds like she really just needs to find her own reasons for doing this before your encouragement can truly help.  Seeing the changes happen in you might be just the thing she needs to get the courage to try it for herself.

 

This is good. I think that my wife will eventually come around and she'll be inspired by what I'm doing instead of being discouraged. I'm keeping the hope alive for that.

 

I do think talking about her past successes is an awesome thing.  Maybe not all the time and maybe not in great detail, as she may just be hypersensitive to fitness topics right now because of simultaneous desperate desire to be healthy and her fears of failing.  But yeah, on occasion and when she seems to be thinking of it herself, definitely remind her how great she has done in the past, how proud you are of her for the things she's done then and the things she's doing good in her life now, unrelated to fitness.  The fact that she has gotten fit before means she has the internal resources to do it again.  She just has to find a way to tap into those.  Sharing with her about your own struggles is a great idea too; that way she knows that it's not about being perfect, it's just about trying and not giving up. 

 

We had a brief conversation this afternoon. We sometimes talk about what we just had for lunch and I told her about mine and saying that I may try to go Paleo and she said that she was planning to begin HER healthier lifestyle on Saturday. We're going to be doing another 90 day challenge that starts then, so maybe this time around will be different for her.

 

Thanks a lot! And I'm glad things worked out with you and your husband. Seeing that you had a similar situation and now you're both more or less on the same page gives me hope.

[eliz]

I have to agree with everything SambieWiks said. One thing to remember about the intersection of health, goals and relationships, is that you are this person's partner first, coach second. Distant second. It can be easy to get into a gross dynamic when one of you is working on something that the other has already succeeded at, and it starts feeling like you aren't equals in the relationship.

 

One of the great things that distinguishes a marriage from a mentorship is that in a marriage your partner values you for everything you are, not just everything you've achieved. I think one of the best things you can do for a partner who is struggling is to make it clear you love them whether they succeed or not, and that you respect their right to make choices when they're ready. "Motivation" can come from any number of external sources (if at all), but that feeling of love, respect and acceptance is something usually only a partner can give.

[Maledictus]

The other thing to point out/highlight is that she has 2 very young children that she had very close together.  I know my wife really struggled with that for a few years before she felt like she was on top of things.  Possibly a touch of the baby blues as well?  I'm not trying to be offensive, just raise it as a possibility since that sucks motivation like you wouldn't believe.  

[Waldo]

I went through this with my wife for a LONG time but she finally came around.

 

3 months, as in the OP, is a drop in the bucket.  One thing to be careful of is that we tend to be full of ourselves, believing what we've accomplished is the Greatest Thing Everâ„¢, whereas there is always someone more accomplished than you, other people see this much better than you.  We also don't always know where others' views are fully shaped.  The influence you are providing might only be a small part of what shapes their viewpoint. 

 

For example if I would have met my wife 2 years after I did, she wouldn't really know, or at least fully understand, that I lived with a major program college football player as a roomate.  Much of my views on fitness and exercise are shaped by this experience.  Some fat person (not trying to be mean, I was one too) trying to get me to do what they did to lose a few pounds and become a little less fat by comparison has/had almost no impact given the totally different level I've experienced.  You might not know about for example the guy in you SO's office that runs every day on his lunch hour and eats a sandwich for lunch, that looks great and is in far better shape then you.  Trying to tell your SO of the horrors of overtraining, that you can't run every day, and the horrors of bread, that it makes you fat, given their experience that you don't know about, makes you look the fool.

 

Overall I quickly learned that confrontation or trying to force anything is foolish.  Only a couple times did I successfully do this, and when I did, it was for minor details (ex, forcing taking and writing down measurements, knowing how invaluable it is down the line when the scale isn't being friendly).  All the confrontations I had early on ended badly and I made up my mind to just drop it.  I just did my thing and led by example, occasionally injecting wisdom (ex lots of calories in that food, or this food isn't as bad as you think).

 

But it did help that I didn't actually change anything about our shared diet.  I didn't do any special plans or whatnot.  What we ate for dinner didn't change much, and the changes were small (a little less cooking oil for example).  Though I started pushing eating at home, cooking ourselves, over eating out, always.

 

But in the end I did my thing, lost my weight, switched to maintaining then did some bulking.  Finally, over a year after I started losing, almost 4 months after reaching my goal weight, my wife followed my example, came around, and started doing it too.  But she's a tough nut to crack, preferring to do things her way, though we both use the same calorie counting app.  I give advice where I can and when asked for, but by and large we both do our own things, we don't exercise together at all.  She hasn't reached her goal weight yet, but she's getting close now, and its awesome.  But the best part about it is that I was no more than an example and a giver of words of wisdom, her success was a byproduct of her internal motivation.

[FyreFlies]

Hi, hello -

 

I'm not married, but I can share what worked for me. Coming from a horrible situation in life - I was way overweight. I didn't care when people said "oh you should lose weight," or "maybe you shouldn't eat that," or even "let's go for a walk." I was wrapped up in my own negative thoughts. The thing with your wife is she's letting the negative reel in her head rule her life. She probably doesn't even know that SHE can control her mind and not her mind control HER.

 

My bf is a very fit guy, an amateur boxer and crazy in control of his thoughts and actions. Despite my continued whineing, he's always just been there. He won't tell me to do this, that or the other unless I ask for it. He spends a lot of his time out of the country, so we're not gym-buds or anything like that, but he's been the single most motivating factor for me to lose weight (have lost 120 lbs over the last couple years).

 

The way he helped me most was by putting me on programs (because I asked for them) that constantly pushed me. He suggested I do weight training - not because I need to lose weight - but to gain strength. Now, it's become a personal challenge of hitting a higher lift every week. Or running longer. Or adding a new body weight exercise. I love that he's not pushy or makes me feel inadequate (although sometimes I still feel like that). Do I wake up and say, damn, he's got a six pack and I've still got this ugly, wrinkly belly? YES. Do I wish my arms were more toned? YES.

 

You have to make her feel that she's fine the way she is (it sounds like you're doing that already) and that you're doing what you do for yourself, it's not a judgement on her at all. There will always be some level of negativity there - we all have it and it makes us human. Let her take her time getting to that comfort zone of beginning to accept herself as a person.

 

I hope things get better for you. Keep doing what you're doing. =)

[CharlieBoston]

I have to agree with everything SambieWiks said. One thing to remember about the intersection of health, goals and relationships, is that you are this person's partner first, coach second. Distant second. It can be easy to get into a gross dynamic when one of you is working on something that the other has already succeeded at, and it starts feeling like you aren't equals in the relationship.

 

One of the great things that distinguishes a marriage from a mentorship is that in a marriage your partner values you for everything you are, not just everything you've achieved. I think one of the best things you can do for a partner who is struggling is to make it clear you love them whether they succeed or not, and that you respect their right to make choices when they're ready. "Motivation" can come from any number of external sources (if at all), but that feeling of love, respect and acceptance is something usually only a partner can give.

 

This is true and I do give her all of that and more. I am her husband first. As I've said, she asked me to motivate her. I'm not in her face about what I do and how I eat because I know she'll interpret it in a completely different way than is my actual intention.

[CharlieBoston]

The other thing to point out/highlight is that she has 2 very young children that she had very close together.  I know my wife really struggled with that for a few years before she felt like she was on top of things.  Possibly a touch of the baby blues as well?  I'm not trying to be offensive, just raise it as a possibility since that sucks motivation like you wouldn't believe.  

 

No offense taken! The thought had occurred to me early on after our second child. But she's vastly improved, attitude-wise since then. As I mentioned before, however, she's a naturally pessimistic person. Has been since I've known her and she'll even be the first to tell you. She will eventually come around to the idea, and when she does I'll cheer her on.

[DaniRiekwel]

on the communication issue - she should read "men are from mars and women are from venus". I thought my husband was speaking sub-contexts at one point too.

 

try asking for her support. tell her it's really hard for you and you need her help in avoiding (blank) or doing more (blank). You don't want her to do it, just to nag you to do it. take the attention off of what she needs help with, and let her help you. - Just an idea. it might not work. 

[CharlieBoston]

try asking for her support. tell her it's really hard for you and you need her help in avoiding (blank) or doing more (blank). You don't want her to do it, just to nag you to do it. take the attention off of what she needs help with, and let her help you. - Just an idea. it might not work.

That's a great idea. One of my 6WC goals is to cut dairy out of my diet. She can certainly assist there!

[I-Jo]

I had to ask my boyfriend to help me with the sugar stuff- I was dying without it and he kept bringing it up or bringing it in the house.  Now that I'm on track and it's been more than just a week or two of effort (okay these things have been going on for months) he's finally recognizing and helping.  But I was like- please- this is hard enough- I need YOUR help to stick with this.  He accommodates me pretty well when we eat out- (he's only here 2x a week and 9/10 we eat out- and I have to be picky a little) but it's taken some time for him to realize this isn't a joke.  

 

 

I absolutely agree- you trying to motivate her (despite what she asks) is a lose lose situation (as you noticed).  She needs to at some point point her big girl panties on and make the decision for her self.  

 

I've had a few conversations with my man- and it never ends well- he thinks I"m nagging him.  he used to be super cut before we met apparently and now he's kind of... well soggy.  and to be honest it pisses me off- I work at a gym and when he's here- he could come with me- but he refuses... I can do what I need to at home... yeah- well how's that working for you?  

 

(yeah that conversation did NOT end well- so I don't recommend saying that LMAO)

 

He won't work out with me ever either (we do go for "Walks" together which is mostly just something to do.  He's been running on his own more

But he joined a weight loss challenge thing at work- so I just ask him every 2-3 weeks about it and let him be a fat ass on his own.  I can't fix it and I can't make him. 

 

It's definitely one of those things- lead by example and if they want to ask or join up- they will.   Lay out what you can and say if you need help I'm here for you- even if that means you need ME to be quiet.. or help you with shopping or cooking- but definitely lead by example!

[goodbyeharrison]

external motivation helps when theres internal motivation...otherwise its just called nagging.

 

I think setting an example will get you farther than trying to be external motivation. Quite frankly i know that it has always been internal motivation that got me to workout. I may have external motivating factors (this time it was i have a bunch of classmates that all go to the gym), but in the end it took a couple months of hearing them talk about the gym and me saying "well i really should work out again to get healthy" to get me to where i WANTED to workout. But until i got to that point that i was ready, hearing them talk about the gym did nothing. I still ate candy, still sat on my lazy bum, and thought hmmm maybe i should workout. External motivation was there, the internal motivation just wasnt there. I workout because I want to, i want to be healthy. 

 

For your wife, it has to come within. Otherwise there is no motivation to keep her going when she gets tired or frustrated.

 

Also as far as my family, they are pretty supportive about my lifestyle changes. I cut out grains, so we work around it. And i cant have onions (i dont digest them well and which we love onions...this one made me sad) so we actually will make batches of food without onions first, and then add onions in after i have a portion set aside. They also do pretty well with cutting out gluten due to my gluten intolerance. Overall the majority of food that is made at home, i am able to eat (with exceptions here and there.)

 

Food is the one area i ask for help with. i have food sensitivities, so they are generally fine with making adjustments to food when we cook. so when i decided to cut out grains, i simply asked that they refrain from adding it to the food that we make. they make it on the side so they can eat it, but the large batches of food are grain free.  I am blessed in this that my family is willing to do so, cause i know not all families are accommodating. 

 

also i have gotten involved in cooking, when i decided i wanted to go more of the primal route, i made sure that i was cooking dinner for my family. its just easier, that way they dont feel like they are burdened with all these "cants" for cooking. So my question would be, does your wife typically cook? or do you? if you arent generally the one who cooks, maybe this would be the perfect opportunity for you to find/create some delicious healthy recipes for your family. youll be setting a great example, having them eat healthy, and not forcing your wife to cook "your way." And maybe sooner than later shell follow lead

 

 

And after almost 2 months of me working out at home, making lifestyle changes, and being healthier my mom has started working out. I didnt suggest it to her, i didnt try to tell her what to do. i just worked out and she noticed. shes getting the internal motivation to workout.

 

Also, while trying to cut back on candy and my mom decides to share about her binge on snickers or candy, ill ask her not to share cause it is just too difficult. And ask her to put away her candy bars that are on the counter (because they were staring right at me). So i would say ask her for support on your struggles. Who knows, maybe shell start some healthy habits from it.

[Mathieu *Gamer Unleashed*]

Wah, this topic is very interresting, 

 

I can relate to most of the situation, at first I wanted to talk about it and ask for advice, but it is already there. so... Thanks

[UltanBoyd]

I think I've had something of a hypersensitivity to this.

 

My other half works manual labour. We have divergent meal needs and since she's taken up this job and it was adding to my weight gain whilst she's lean with guns.

 

However she keeps thinking she needs a tighter stomach and that she wants to do yoga. She kept saying it as I started "I need to get a yoga video or something" so one night I got one for her. She didn't use it. I felt awful. Then from here I found the 10 minute yoga youtube videos and was scared to present them to her. When I did she started using them for a week and then stopped. Then I was bothered about talking about it. Arghhh, they be so crazy they make us crazy, amiright?

Have you tried using your other halfs words. Ask her to give you inspiration. Tell her when you feel down and let her give you reasons to go. I mean at the end of the day sounds like you're going with her motivation or not but can make her feel involved and see that you struggle too. What she does with that is her problem.

[Krunchy]

external motivation helps when theres internal motivation...otherwise its just called nagging.

 

I think setting an example will get you farther than trying to be external motivation. Quite frankly i know that it has always been internal motivation that got me to workout. I may have external motivating factors (this time it was i have a bunch of classmates that all go to the gym), but in the end it took a couple months of hearing them talk about the gym and me saying "well i really should work out again to get healthy" to get me to where i WANTED to workout. But until i got to that point that i was ready, hearing them talk about the gym did nothing. I still ate candy, still sat on my lazy bum, and thought hmmm maybe i should workout. External motivation was there, the internal motivation just wasnt there. I workout because I want to, i want to be healthy. 

 

For your wife, it has to come within. Otherwise there is no motivation to keep her going when she gets tired or frustrated.

 

Also as far as my family, they are pretty supportive about my lifestyle changes. I cut out grains, so we work around it. And i cant have onions (i dont digest them well and which we love onions...this one made me sad) so we actually will make batches of food without onions first, and then add onions in after i have a portion set aside. They also do pretty well with cutting out gluten due to my gluten intolerance. Overall the majority of food that is made at home, i am able to eat (with exceptions here and there.)

 

Food is the one area i ask for help with. i have food sensitivities, so they are generally fine with making adjustments to food when we cook. so when i decided to cut out grains, i simply asked that they refrain from adding it to the food that we make. they make it on the side so they can eat it, but the large batches of food are grain free.  I am blessed in this that my family is willing to do so, cause i know not all families are accommodating. 

 

also i have gotten involved in cooking, when i decided i wanted to go more of the primal route, i made sure that i was cooking dinner for my family. its just easier, that way they dont feel like they are burdened with all these "cants" for cooking. So my question would be, does your wife typically cook? or do you? if you arent generally the one who cooks, maybe this would be the perfect opportunity for you to find/create some delicious healthy recipes for your family. youll be setting a great example, having them eat healthy, and not forcing your wife to cook "your way." And maybe sooner than later shell follow lead

 

 

And after almost 2 months of me working out at home, making lifestyle changes, and being healthier my mom has started working out. I didnt suggest it to her, i didnt try to tell her what to do. i just worked out and she noticed. shes getting the internal motivation to workout.

 

Also, while trying to cut back on candy and my mom decides to share about her binge on snickers or candy, ill ask her not to share cause it is just too difficult. And ask her to put away her candy bars that are on the counter (because they were staring right at me). So i would say ask her for support on your struggles. Who knows, maybe shell start some healthy habits from it.

 

Well said!

 

CharlieBoston has your wife come around?

[Fonzico]

Honestly, it sounds like your wife is probably beating herself up pretty badly about her supposed "failures" which is likely why your efforts to help are met with resistance and hostility- she already knows everything you're telling her, and knows she still hasn't done anything about it, so she gets defensive.

 

She knows she needs motivation, because she can't stick with it, so she's asked you... but it's not working. Why? Because she doesn't really believe she can do it. Therefore, the best, most important thing you can possibly do for her (and it sounds like you're already doing this, you seem very supportive) is to help her with her self esteem in general. Until she believes that she is strong, capable and worthy, she is not likely to succeed, at least not for long. Change that comes from self-hatred is not good, and not sustainable.

 

It has taken me a very long time to realize this, and hearing it from others was not sufficient. If you can counter that negative voice in her head, it will do more good that the "motivation" she's requested ever will.

[Ceasefire]

Ultimately I decided to just stop talking about it altogether.  Like, completely.  I didn't talk about NF anymore, or new paleo recipes I'd found, or new exercises, or goals or anything.  I just kept working on my own, and let that whole category of discussion topics drop out of our conversation.

 

Sambie, I had to pick up on this, because it relates to what I'm going through right now - how long did it take for you to feel like this was normal? I love talking to my husband about fitness and weight-loss and all that wonderful stuff, but he hardly reacts anymore and I'm TRYING to stop bringing it up so much, but his support and motivation mean a lot to me. Did it take time for you to adjust to NOT talking about it?

 

I am (or was?) a very pessimistic person too. Like your wife, OP, I have had two children and honestly I just resigned myself to always being overweight because that's just 'how it was'. I was wrong. And as I lost weight, I gained confidence. As I gained confidence, I gained optimism. And now the tables have turned in my household and I am the one that is always encouraging and looking 'on the bright side'. My husbands chipper attitude when I was depressed and pessimistic used to piss me off to no end, and now I totally get it. I get how annoying I was always being negative. But it took me time.

 

Honestly, I never wanted to get into weight-loss. My husband signed me up for a 'weight-loss challenge' group at my son's school and he took me there religiously (apart from one night when I was super-sick) and I won 'most inches lost'. I then fell off the wagon hardcore. He then told his colleague I would be her 'team member' in a challenge at her gym. I felt obligated. I was furious. But I went. And I enjoyed it. And I kept at it. And suddenly something that felt like a burden and a chore was more of a challenge and stress-relief. It was something I had complete control over in my otherwise chaotic life.

 

I wouldn't suggest throwing your wife in at the deep end, but eventually with a little pushing, you might find something that she can enjoy/latch onto. And if not? Then maybe she's not ready right now or she'll find her own way.

[artemiscuous]

Charlie, I know it has been awhile, and hopefully you don't still need help. But I just wanted to tell you that my husband and I BOTH struggled with this (he complained about not being able to lose weight, I complained about not being able to make friends) and it drove both of us crazy! It really impacted our relationship. We were constantly asking one another for help but then rejecting their advice. What finally worked was when we stopped giving "advice" when the other asked for help and started just sharing our perspectives and what worked for us. For example, when I asked my husband for help making friends, he would say,  "You know, I struggle with fear of what other people think, too. But I just keep asking people questions about themselves. It's like a game, to keep them talking, and it's amazing how quickly you can find common ground." That worked for me - really, it changed everything! When he asked me for motivation in eating right and getting to the gym when he is not feeling it, I would say, "I have trouble with that sometimes too! I find that I sometimes need to just modify my goals to make them realistic for that day. It keeps my momentum up and keeps me from feeling like I've blown it. Then, when I feel better and more up for it, I go hard again." And I can't speak for him, but he seems to have been a lot more accepting of himself when he feels he doesn't "measure up" on any one given day.

 

Now, after my first baby, I'm the one who needs to lose weight, and I hear him echoing the same things back to me! It's hilarious. But a great reminder of what we've been able to do together and will be able to do in the future.