Oof, spurs are no good. I think spurs go with pain because grinding? But I don’t know why I think that? Can you ask her?
Thanks, Harriet. It will be fine, I am sure. I just hate time sensitive administration. One of my Bipolar symptoms is a very plastic sense of time and that never bodes well for me when other people have schedules. Lol
Lifting done (2 circuits) and journalling done. Today’s journalling was prompted by my Tarot draw for today, the Eight of Earth (Tumeric) from the Herbcrafter’s Tarot deck. The key for that card is letting your tasks be embodied prayer and doing the work even when the work is isolating or difficult. It got me thinking about lifting and dishes and whether or not those tasks as mundane and physical as they are can be prayerful. I associate prayerfulness with quiet, calm, dreamy mentalities, not the focused, action oriented mentality of kinetic tasks. It’s an interesting thought. It also got me thinking about warrior archetypes and whether or not I should/can/want to incorporate some research on those into my spiritual practice given that I am very much a non-violent person. That reminds me of my Elf Wizard, Shaava, who went from a pacifist to a believer in necessary violence over 20 levels and takes me back to all of the conversations I had with my army friends while I was puzzling all that out… Lots of thinking this morning.
All the thinking has been putting off the game prep, so I need to go now and get that done because we meet in an hour. Eep! I hope that you are having the most restful of Sundays and that all of your communications today leave you feeling seen, heard, and respected.
Thanks for being here. ❤️
My uncle had a massive heart attack. He is slim and super fit--an endurance cyclist. My father was checked and he has a really high calcium score. He's slim and has always been very fit. And my husband's father is not very fit, but he is very slim, and had his first heart attack at 50. My brother in law has a 50% occluded widowmaker. He is very thin. It could be genetic. The reason overweight is associated with heart attack is possibly that ultra processed foods and insulin resistance cause both of them. But you can eat junk and have insulin resistance at a low weight, it's just less common. And other things cause heart disease, too. For example, I think my father's high calcium is due to the doctor prescribing him calcium (because he doesn't eat dairy) without prescribing vitamins D or K2. K2 is needed to get the calcium into the bones where it belongs (otherwise it hangs out around the arteries, Good job, doctor), but it's only found in animal fats, which my father avoids because he got the same advice as everyone in the 60s, 70s, and 80s, to avoid naughty animal fats and eat angelic, cholesterol-lowering novel industrially produced margarine. Chronic stress can cause heart attack, but I think that's because it contributes to hypertension, which causes the arterial injury that prompts plaques to form, and those can eventually break and block something off. It takes time to develop, though.
I know that shock. I'm sorry ❤️
I feel like we have a very strong need to have explanations. And in this case a ready explanation was to hand--"it must be my fault". It's almost scarier to not have an explanation, to admit that we all die and people get unlucky sometimes. But I swear upon the gods and the plants and the creatures and the earth and its stones and rivers and sand and salt that you aren't responsible for your father's heart attack, and you can let that go. Perhaps with a ritual and a ceremony to say what you need to?
Also, although depression can cause a focus on the self, that's because it's an emergency. You aren't selfish. I was very depressed as a teenager, and my father worried a lot and spent a lot of time and effort caring for me. But I know he wouldn't have it any other way. I can't change it, I can only gratefully accept the asymmetric care and love that I received.
That's a great idea ❤️
I might be lazy and spoiled. I don't think you are.
You're amazing and are the inspiration for my current freedom from alcohol. Love you too ❤️
You're in a transition time. They're messy. Think of what happens in a cocoon - the insect has to rearrange all of its organs and dissolve some of its body and just... rebuild.
You're changing on the job front, the living situation front, AND the diet front, all at once. Damn straight that's going to be tiring.
It sounds like both the things you can control and the things you can't are all moving in positive directions though, which is fantastic news. Rooting for you.
Thank you Harriet. I think logically i do know. Heart issues ran in his family. I think because he was fit and healthy, not really overweight (normal size) went to the gym and would go walking all the time with my mum etc it was a shock when he has a heart attack and so the only explanation was the shock and sadness at hearing me say i was suicidal and cutting myself.
He recovered well, and then i learnt about the family history....
Still, that voice in my head brings it up a lot. That my selfishness caused it.
We are close. We always have been. Me and my sister chat via whatsapp most days. And i speak to my mum once or twice a week on the phone if i can. they know i am struggling a bit, but they dont know how bad its been. It would be nice to see my mum soon. I may go to the campervan next week, as she is going to be there. I could go for lunch and take Bronze as she loves my mums dog too.
I appreciate you saying that Harriet, I really really do!
Sometimes i just think people think i am lazy and spoilt. I AM trying so hard.
I also know it will get better, i think, i have plans, i have ideas, i am applying for funds and small jobs, I am somehow staying sober....
But the immediate is very tough.
Love you xx
1. Nothing yesterday, and no room for it - worked then had online ttrpg.
2. Really had no time yesterday, so nothing got done. I had hoped to do a little after the game, but I had a headache and so I just went to bed.
3. I am struggling to think of anything.
4. Despite the headache and the fact that I was already in my jammies, I threw on my winter coat and walked to the end of the driveway. It was a beautiful foggy night. If I were better dressed and felt better, I would absolutely have been tempted to wander down the enchanting foggy paths of mystery.
Today is already off to an odd start, but I have a meetup to try (the one I got the date wrong for last week) and time to work on books and such, so it should be a good day.
Alas! I hate buses, especially when you have to wait a long time. I much prefer the lovely frequent trains in Germany to the stupid buses in Australia.
It's fantastic that you're even working on it, and you have inspired me to work it into my future challenges.
Started with bujo and did
take down rubbish
change out cat toy
wash makeup brushes
nail care & paint toenails
read An Immense World @Laghail it's got mantis shrimps in. It's a book about the amazing variety of animal senses.
Yeah so today was a relaxed maintenance and house care/self care day. Mr Harriet should be coming home after a long long time away over the winter. He didn't want to come back to Berlin because his vertigo and parasthesia has been so much better in warm temperatures and with lots of exercise. So I have been alone since I came back in early January. Well, not alone. Orange keeps me company and sits on my stomach for most naps and meditations and pushes her way on to my lap when I'm trying to read and when I'm trying to knit and when I'm trying to type up my nerd fitness updates. And Brometheus visits me.
Energy remains fine; no comparison to the crash period.
I know you probably know this, but you didn't cause his heart attack. I don't know about his specific case, but usually it takes years of hypertension, insulin resistance, and the build up of plaque before someone gets a heart attack. Yes, people can die of stress in extreme cases, but that's rare.
I totally understand the fear and the block. Maybe it would be okay to let them in a tiny bit? Connection strengthens us so much, and it will be less of a shock if you ever need to tell them a bit more in the future. Maybe just more frequent phone calls to chat? I mean, if you're close and you benefit from that. Not if you don't like talking, obviously.
It sounds like you're doing everything you can. It probably won't get better quickly but it will get better. Keep going, possum, the rough patches are not forever.
Oh, interesting. I have never tried bulking, but I have no trouble whatever putting away loads of food. I have heard them mention a few tips on the podcast, though. It's kind of the opposite of cutting tips: do eat shakes and liquid food, do add some more calorie dense and hyper palatable foods, do include occasional junk food (like a few times a week, only if you're having trouble massing).
And wow, that picture. He has veins everywhere. It's alarming. I worry for him. Is he going to burst? Still, impressive work even if it's not my cup of tea.