• Recently Browsing   0 members

    No registered users viewing this page.

Siferiax

Kibcy follow in Wolf's paw prints

Recommended Posts

You're doing awesome Kib! Definitely making the Brotherhood proud :)

Thank you!!! This is the first challenge that I'm really feeling it :D

I used to always scold myself for everything I wasn't able to do. But now I can't help but see all the progress I did make!!

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Yes, you've definitely made incredible progress! And even when one 6-week span doesn't turn out exactly as you planned, you still have the rest of your life to get to where you want to be. We learn and grow from mistakes and trials, and you've clearly come a long way through each of your challenges. :D

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Yes, you've definitely made incredible progress! And even when one 6-week span doesn't turn out exactly as you planned, you still have the rest of your life to get to where you want to be. We learn and grow from mistakes and trials, and you've clearly come a long way through each of your challenges. :D

THANK YOU!!!! That means a lot and it's absolutely true!!!

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

I've played 1 hour and 16 minutes of Assassin's Creed... I'm blaming Wolf that it's now past my bedtime *grumpy*

I'm in a great mood, don't worry :tongue:

I'm still so very confused about the controls though *cries* I get tutorial screens telling me to "press button 1" and I keep failing to realize it's probably my left mouse button *fails at controls most of all*

BUT It's a really cool game so far.

EVEN THOUGH MY CPU IS NOT UP TO THE TASK?! What!? It's 0.2 Ghz (?) too slow to fit the minimum requirements.

The game works fine, idk... is there a video at the start, because I get a black screen and some sounds XD

Either way I did so much today I can justify what I did.

Workout? DONE!

Laundry? DONE!

Dishes? DONE!

F-YEAH

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

It's actually my bowels and "a while" is an understatement :tongue:

It goes back to elementary school time so 15-20 years.

What's discouraging is that the doctor said that often they don't find anything :(

Stomach, bowels, same thing really! :P

And I know what it is to have to go from a doctor to another and never getting any answers. But you will eventually, I know it! :)

 

And holy smokes you've improved so much!!!! Well done Kib! You're a total star!

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Stomach, bowels, same thing really! :tongue:

And I know what it is to have to go from a doctor to another and never getting any answers. But you will eventually, I know it! :)

 

And holy smokes you've improved so much!!!! Well done Kib! You're a total star!

NOT AT ALL!!!! My stomach doesn't poop... and poop is the problem here!!! /blunt

Well there's no "going from doctor to doctor"... I only have 1 >.>

And if the tests just get no results, then going to another doctor won't change that.

So I really hope they do find something!!

Thanks :D And most of all my state of mind and attitude changed SO SO much!!!

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

NOT AT ALL!!!! My stomach doesn't poop... and poop is the problem here!!! /blunt

Well there's no "going from doctor to doctor"... I only have 1 >.>

And if the tests just get no results, then going to another doctor won't change that.

So I really hope they do find something!!

Thanks :D And most of all my state of mind and attitude changed SO SO much!!!

Actually that's not quite true. It took 24 doctors (as many prognostics), 10 years of 24/7 pain and a billion and a half x-rays and tests and MRIs to figure out what my knee problems were. Tests alone aren't enough, you need a good doctor who can think and listen to you and understand.

 

And yes, I can tell from the excerpts you posted but also from this challenge. It felt like there was a switch at some point. :)

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

NOT AT ALL!!!! My stomach doesn't poop... and poop is the problem here!!! /blunt

Well there's no "going from doctor to doctor"... I only have 1 >.>

And if the tests just get no results, then going to another doctor won't change that.

So I really hope they do find something!!

Thanks :D And most of all my state of mind and attitude changed SO SO much!!!

Actually that's not quite true. It took 24 doctors (as many prognostics), 10 years of 24/7 pain and a billion and a half x-rays and tests and MRIs to figure out what my knee problems were. Tests alone aren't enough, you need a good doctor who can think and listen to you and understand.

 

And yes, I can tell from the excerpts you posted but also from this challenge. It felt like there was a switch at some point. :)

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Nice overview of your progress Kibcy, that's awesome! Hope I can look back like that in a couple of challenges :) Don't mind the grumpy hospital people, nobody remembers their card do they? I never do. I'll be crossing my fingers for you to get some satisfying results! But however it goes, just don't give up.

 

Did I mention I LOVE that graph? When I'm ready to get serious about dropping bw again I want something like that :)

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Love the looking back at your challenges. You have done awesome. It is really cool to see how not only has your strength improved, but your ability to make goals and follow through with them. This is super encouraging, not only because it shows how amazing you are, but that the Rebellion is very effective at helping people make positive changes.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Actually that's not quite true. It took 24 doctors (as many prognostics), 10 years of 24/7 pain and a billion and a half x-rays and tests and MRIs to figure out what my knee problems were. Tests alone aren't enough, you need a good doctor who can think and listen to you and understand.

 

And yes, I can tell from the excerpts you posted but also from this challenge. It felt like there was a switch at some point. :)

 

Hmmm well I guess I just don't know the "medical circus" that well. This is something I take seriously though :)

I feel I do have a good doctor now, but *shrug* who knows. Never really felt I didn't have a good doctor in my life.

And I mean doctor as in... family doctor, as I've heard it being called.

Oh well, I'll just wait it out for now.

Yeah, felt more like a gradual change, but definitely I switched in attitude and just general emotional state. I don't let me negative emotions get me down as much as they would in the past :D

 

Nice overview of your progress Kibcy, that's awesome! Hope I can look back like that in a couple of challenges :) Don't mind the grumpy hospital people, nobody remembers their card do they? I never do. I'll be crossing my fingers for you to get some satisfying results! But however it goes, just don't give up.

 

Did I mention I LOVE that graph? When I'm ready to get serious about dropping bw again I want something like that :)

 

Thanks! And I'm sure you will :D

I remembered my card yesterday... haha. I just didn't know it was also necessary to have my blood taken, which I pretty much can do anywhere?!

I won't! This is something that needs to be deal with. Thank you :)

Hahahaha Okay :)

You can always make a copy of the Excel I use... though I read somewhere you have a Mac?

So not really sure how that'll work... but my data is pretty much open: https://www.dropbox.com/s/d52788w5o4nmnoe/Progress.xlsx

 

Love the looking back at your challenges. You have done awesome. It is really cool to see how not only has your strength improved, but your ability to make goals and follow through with them. This is super encouraging, not only because it shows how amazing you are, but that the Rebellion is very effective at helping people make positive changes.

Thank you! And yes especially getting a feel for what I can and can't do and where my limits are has been super valuable!!

Thanks. And yeah I really feel the Rebellion is such an amazing place!!! Unlike any community I ever joined. I just feel so welcome here and that makes me do my best even more!

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

DUDE!! Kibcy! Your progress has been nothing short of A-Mazing! No one is without their setbacks, their stumbles, their troubles, all that matters is picking yourself up after dusting yourself off and YOU, my dear Kibcy have risen so high that you're flying!

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

That really is some amazing progress over the course of a few challenges! :D Just imagine where you'll be in another few challenges' time! :)

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

DUDE!! Kibcy! Your progress has been nothing short of A-Mazing! No one is without their setbacks, their stumbles, their troubles, all that matters is picking yourself up after dusting yourself off and YOU, my dear Kibcy have risen so high that you're flying!

 

Hahaha thank you!!

IMMA FLYING!!!

 

That really is some amazing progress over the course of a few challenges! :D Just imagine where you'll be in another few challenges' time! :)

Indeed!!! Thanks!

Imagine where you will be ;)

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

*bangs head against solid object*

I'm not having my day...

Can I just skip this day? I don't feel much for living it.

I'm just annoyed and upset and I'm not quite sure for what reason. But hell days like this happen.

I'm utterly tired and frustrated that I am tired, and frustrated with my work... so that's probably the reason.

I don't even know what's going on... gah. If only there was no work. Actually that would mean no money, and then everything I have.... never mind. Work has to "be". I need to make money somehow. I don't know another way to make money than to sit here.

So *sits on ass staring at screen*

I actually should be doing an "asap assignment", look at me procrastinate, BECAUSE IT'S BORING AS HELL.

UGH and mistakes I've found out like... yesterday... and suddenly they're becoming relevant and I'm just like SHIT.

I alone know of these mistakes and I'm working on fixing them, but I'm just annoyed by them. idk.

SO WHERE'S MY SPIRIT GO?! ugh.

Also morning routines are hard to do when you can't get out of bed in the morning.

So I haven't. I did workout yesterday. Hopefully again today. Today is walking day.

Did I mention I have a talk with my manager today? So I should probably prepare for that... just... not sure how...

MANAGER I WANT ANOTHER JOB! HERE LOOK THIS ONE! HOW DO I GET THERE?!

I have this problem with having a big need for someone holding my hand and guiding me through life. LITERALLY taking care of stuff for me! LITERALLY handling my life for me.

This is probably due to the fact I never grew up or became mature and independent. Until oh holy shit I have to do EVERYTHING myself now?!

Until just a few years ago, say until I started working and living on my own, my mom pretty much handled everything I didn't want to handle. Also house chores.

So I'm not very independent and then suddenly I'm forced to be and... this panic ridden post is the result of that. Very successful... uchem, not very.

So. So I'm lacking some life experience and the knowledge of how to handle... life pretty much.

Except bullying, I know how to handle that, for the most part.

But chores, and cooking, and MEETINGS WITH MANAGERS... or really handling anyone in "authority" even when they're really just peers, shit.

So there you have that. Also I have a weird fear of being "found out", mostly because I really am a slacker (notice how I'm typing this instead of working on my asap assignment). And I'm just not really very good or knowledgeable in my field of work.

So I'm a little on edge and ranty today. So it may just happen that I plunge myself into Assassin's Creed this afternoon after that damn meeting and get nothing done.

All in all it comes down to feeling COMPLETELY AND CONSTANTLY MISUNDERSTOOD.

And you guys are pretty much the only people who don't make me feel that way?!

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Footnote 1: my mom would now point out I'm a dramaqueen.

Footnote 2: I'm probably not doing as bad as portrait here, I exaggerate a lot probably.

Footnote 3: I'm not consistent, just so you know

Footnote 4: I'm probably never as happy as I come across either.

Footnote 5: I'm mostly very indifferent to all of life.

Footnote 6: I NEVER REALLY KNOW WHAT I'M SAYING AFTER SAYING IT AND FEEL LIKE I'M CONSTANTLY LYING, because I feel this constant need to correct myself.

Footnote 7: That's probably because I'm very desperate to be understood and very afraid that I won't be.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

I believe that you can never make something more of a problem than it really is, because your perspective determines your reality. Which is the basis of most of my conflicts with my mom.

In HER reality life works a certain way, and whatever I'm dealing with is not a big deal, or even a problem at all in HER reality. That's her truth.

In MY reality life also works a certain way, and whatever I'm dealing with is the center of the universe for me and a huge hurdle to take. Whether it is so in objective reality or just so in my head matters little. This is my truth.

So there are two solutions, change objective reality (which doesn't exist in theory) or change your perspective.

There's only so many things you have control over. A big thing is your perspective.

BUT IT'S NOT EXACTLY EASY TO CHANGE!!! I'm pouring in years of hard work.

Actually let me tell you a story.

I was a very happy, hyper, random kid. The kind of mood you'll occasionally find me in and I go all caps on you in a happy way.

I was like up until 2005. Then there was a shit storm happening.

I dated a guy for maybe 2 months and we broke up because it just wasn't working, both decided that, no hard feelings.

Then he suddenly accused me of not being able to hold a serious conversation. (my best friend was very surprised at this, who then knew me for years already)

So that happened. 2006... I don't really know... I probably lost contact with some people? I dunno.

At the end of 2006 I went to a convention. I met this guy there.

This was the moment where my life got ruined.

He initially thought I was rather stupid, or not smart if you will, until he found out my education. (I make the best first impressions apparently)

Then he became obsessed with getting to know me.

And I don't mean this lightly.

January 2007 rolled around and stuff happened, unpleasant stuff. And I should've been wiser and break off all contact and... save my life.

But that's not what happened. He persisted, apologized, puppy dog eyed me... and eventually I caved.

Years of many fights followed. Basically me often raging at him for being a complete and utter idiot. I understand now it is because he has ADHD and wasn't on any medication for it. (what you learn by reading books people)

However, all the same this dependence, this... addiction if you will, grew. How does that grow? Talk to someone EVERY DAY for HOURS. Pour your heart and soul onto them. Try and see if you can deal without that outlet after a few years.

Things got worse when March 2011 rolled around and we started dating... probably because he finally had given up trying to get me to date him and I myself had grown rather desperate in my own way.

Basically the status quo of our friendship broke down... and everything just got worse.

After many incidents I finally broke up and broke off all contact at the start of September 2011.

I basically ended up in a vacuum of loneliness.

Nearly 5 years I had him in my life. Nearly 5 years going in and out of depression. Stress. Actually getting medically stressed out in 2011 to top it all off.

He's a parasite, for lack of a better word. He completely drained me. Even more so he's a manipulative bastard. Hell he admitted that! He literally told me one day "sometimes I just act nice to people, because I can use them. I'm pretty good at manipulating them".

Basically this all left me damaged and broken. With so so many regrets and being faced with my own innocence and naiveness.

I'm trying very very hard to claw my way back to the person I used to be. Because 5 years of my life have been ruined by constant stress and fighting. And that kinda leaves you defeated.

Perhaps the worst part is, that because of the dependence and his manipulation I was literally without friends. Okay not literally, I still had friends, I just never talked to them. I became even more people shy and shut in.

So yeah I'm still feeling the effects of that... and scenarios of what happened still haunt me. The regrets of all these times that I just couldn't let go, or didn't just beat him up, or didn't leave him in the middle of nowhere.

I'm a kind person and I take pride in that, but it has definitely worked against me.

I'm trying to stop doing things out of pity that are just not good for me.

So there you have it... what was I talking about?! GOD so much text. Not the first time I wrote about this, probably also not the last.

You have to understand I wasn't actually abused or anything, he's a pretty okay guy all around. Probably more so if he is on ADHD medication...

So it's not that... it's because of all the fights and his manipulation and the growing dependence.

I've long thought it was my fault and I was just having an extremely short fuse. But that's not true. It was that he (unconsciously) knew exactly what button to press to get me to rage. And the fact he's totally selfish in EVERYTHING that he does.

He stalked me. In the electronic sense of the word. I've gotten many tips to just "filter out his email". And I would've, if not for the fact we both go to the same conventions. So I had to know I didn't need to be on constant watch, that he would harass me.

I recruited friends to hang out with to protect me. Or him from me haha, because I was afraid I'd beat him up at the sight.

Then again I threatened him with that, in the "leave me alone or I swear I'll beat you up" sense.

Quite recently he emailed me, so go figure. He send me a link to a youtube video, that's it. Was a cover of "Somebody that I used to know". We communicated in songs a lot :tongue: but really I couldn't help but laugh so much and be like REALLY?! that song?!

I can't handle the hilariousness of it.

I counter with Pink's song "There you go".

But even as he was trying to win me back, his emails were full of "me, me, me" I miss you, I need you, I have to have you back.

Here's a quote... 4 months after our break up:

"I am not even afraid to say that you are the most single important thing that happened in my life so far. The one who really made an impression on me for life."

(yes we communicated in English lol)

I deleted all his emails, but remembered I had send notes on DA to a friend with a few quotes...

I need to go have lunch now... I'm feeling a little calmer now.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Wow, Kibcy, I'm amazed that I hadn't seen your pain through your kindness all this time. You have a beautiful soul, albeit scarred, but you still smile through all of the pain. Lose this guy, Kibcy, he's not worth your kindness nor your smiles. Hold fast to your truths, because when you're out there in the world, it's the only one you have. We'll always be on your side, for you have always been on ours, if you ever need a friend, one will not be too far behind.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Big hug sent your way.It has been a tough week, with having to have x-rays at the hospital. And at least for me, those kind of stressors bring all my insecurities out in full fighting force. If what you need to do to relax is play Assassins Creed, go for it! I

 

You show a lot of maturity in your dealing with the guy now. You realize he is bad news and is a manipulator, but at the same time you aren't full of hate for him. And you showed incredible strength in getting out of that situation. You have more strength than you realize.

 

As for the manager and asking for a different job, would it help to write out what you want to say first? Maybe even practice in front of a mirror. Then when you have an opportunity for your 20 seconds of beserker courage you'll be ready. I so get where you are coming from on this. I think introverts (myself in this category) tend to way overthink things. I can totally get myself spinning with re-thinking conversations in my head and trying to figure out if I said them correctly. I'm working at just letting it go, saying it to the best of my abilities and then not letting myself dwell on it.

 

Take a nice relaxing evening, doing whatever soothes and give you comfort

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

I'm on my phone, because the internet is down. So really thanks for all your kindness <3 I'll reply in full when I'm able.

Meeting my manager for the first time went exceptionally well!

At first it went a bit standard, but after I talked about my breakdown (in 2011), he was full of compassion and UNDERSTANDING!

He was all, well then how did you feel earlier in our conversation? Frightened?

Yes. And because of the way he asked I could admit this too.

So no need for me to overachieve. We decided on goals I can manage this year.

He showed compassion and understanding for my tendency to get overwhelmed. That was such a relief!

Anyway, Assassin's Creed has been stealing my sleep.

I'm tired and still stressed.

Today I need to go request a new passport. Possibly driver's license as well (it's falling apart)

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

That is so wonderful Kib! I'm so happy you could be honest and understood by your manager. This is really great. :)

 

And there aren't big enough hugs I can send your way. I'm so sorry such a horrible person bumped into and shattered your life but as Elastigirl said, you have dealt with him in such a mature way it is awe-inspiring. You are an amazing person Kib, so strong and beautiful inside out.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites