Body image/eating disorders

[SnowWhite]

Auughhh this is a fantastic thread... I'm kind of freaking out because I'm realizing that I've been starving myself for a long time, whether I've been eating bad food or good food, I've not been getting my body the right nutrients. I'm majorly struggling with eating enough and not feeling like I'm starving all the time. I hate eating in front of other people and I hate thinking about food... I'm really busy and gone most of the day, and I don't have money or time for eating out... so as I'm tracking my food, I'm realizing that I'm back to where I was in high school, starving myself to lose weight. And I'm frankly terrified. It's so ingrained in me that I don't need very much food, that I need to cut back, that women don't need much food, that I'm overweight and therefore don't need to eat. I don't think discipline is my enemy so much as learning to take proper care of myself and allow myself to eat a healthy moderate amount every day.... it's just..so startling to realize that you've been sabotaging yourself for so long.

[Bekah]

Sorry I have been MIA everyone. My life has turned into a chaotic mess, but hopefully, it's going to calm down now.

My body image stuff has been going badly lately too

I feel like I am entirely unloveable, and my weight is a major part of that. No matter how many times someone tells me the opposite, I just think its a lie and before long they will say the truth, that Im fat, ugly and unloveable.

Im so tired of this!

[Bekah]

Went to the beach today. Seriously hard to not feel self conscious or compare myself to other girls with "nicer bodies"

1) had a relaxing day at the beach..and went for a walk.

2) I like my tan that I'm getting.. Nice golden skin

This is awesome!! It's almost impossible for me too

[Bekah]

1. I did all my challenge goals yesterday

2. I like my determination

[Bekah]

I'm really, really struggling today, well for the last week or so, and I just don't know how to let it go. Sometimes it just really seems to be horrible, and evry little thing makes it worse. I bought something online for a birthday party later in the month, and it ended up being much too small. and it seems like everything I want to wear lately just doesn't fit well. I can't seem to find anything in my size that I like and my capris ripped in the inner thigh are from them rubbing when I walked, and it's just one thing after another, and I already feel like a total whale, then stuff like that happens, and it just makes it that much worse. :'(

I am not being as diligent about my challenge goals as I want to be, and feel like even the 45 minutes of yoga+swimming, is nowhere near enough exercise, and I have been eating lots of junk this week. which just adds more to it, and I'm just going downhill, rather than up.

[goodbyeharrison]

Bekah: HUGS!!!!!!! 

 

Crappy days sucks. Crappy weeks suck. I hope it is going better for you!!

 

I so relate to feeling worse from eating junk food...that's how i'm feeling...at this point i just want to enjoy food without feeling guilty or punishing myself...and not feeling like a behemoth from everything i've been eating. And i have been making excuses and using food as a form of therapy which doesn't help...ugh...

[goodbyeharrison]

 it's just..so startling to realize that you've been sabotaging yourself for so long.

 

 

This. Exactly this.

It's amazing what we ignore and overlook..

[SnowWhite]

This. Exactly this.

It's amazing what we ignore and overlook..

Yeah... it's really sad... that I've been trying for so many years and actually depriving my body, while at the same time not making any progress. I'm SO thankful for NF... there are no words to describe how thankful I am. It's still an every day struggle... I'm still not eating enough, but at least I'm conscious of it now.

[Bekah]

This was eye opening to me. That we can choose to be Beautiful in our own minds, regardless of what anyone else thinks.

[GingaNinja]

Thanks for making this topic, it is supportive to know I'm not alone, my relationship with food has always been off and more recently I had started binging again and it was becoming a real problem. I'd buy 100g bars of chocolate and eat them in private and still eat crap for the rest of the day, I was eating lots of carbs and felt horrible.

 

These last few weeks have been easier and the challenge has helped me clean up my eating again. I am trying not to dislike myself any more.

 

Thanks again guys, reading this thread helps a lot.

[cracked_belle]

so I had a MAJOR breakdown yesterday, largely due to panicking about calories and the like.  I was eating less than 500 a day this week, falling back into some old bad habits.  but my NF friends encouraged me to get better and treat my body better.

 

it's a wonderful little community we have here.  don't take it for granted.  on your threads, feel free to post concerns.  I have received some of the best support and advice there.

 

we're Strong, ladies and gents.  we can get past this.

[goodbyeharrison]

I feel like i look like I ate shamu.

[goodbyeharrison]

So an update...let's see...so i fell on my rear, pretty hard actually. fell of the stupid pull up bar, hit my elbow, face and luckily my small butt broke my fall. seriously, no cushioning for the fall. I have a small bruise forming, but thankfully i don't think it's seriously injured. I did go to the drs and got xrays done just in case, so i should find out monday how my bum is doing. Walking has been slow and painful, and finally getting back to normal-ish walking. I feel like i look like i have a 2x4 shoved up my butt as i walk. As the xray technician put it i was walking "gingerly." Anywho, so how did i nurse my hurt bum? why food of course. yeah, sue me. i haven't exactly been eating healthy or moderate portions of things. im in "eat everything" mode. Which is why i feel like i look like i ate shamu. i swear if i went to sea world all the little kids would start running up to me asking me to do tricks. So note to self, dont wear black and white to sea world. 

 

So that was a definite bummer (hah) because i have been walking/running with my friend, so that was put on hold until im all healed up.

 

Here are some woot compliments so its not all whine/negative

Last night was my first time wearing red lipstick..had my hair curled and was all dolled up...got some very nice compliments. We were at the mall shopping, wasting time before grabbing a drink and as we walked into the women's restroom, the male security guard walked out. it was an awkward laugh and "sorry just checking the restrooms" and then he popped his head back in and said "by the way i just wanted to tell you ladies that you look very nice tonight". My coworker also saw photos i put up and she told me i looked great in red lipstick and asked my if i ever considered modeling. Told her i've been told that before but i like food too much and i'd have to work on my stomach pooch. plus I'm so freaking awkward in heels too. god i look like a baby giraffe starting to walk when i wear heels. i feel like a beast when i tower over guys. I told my friend that when we go out and guys see the short girls they are like "dang cute", and they look at us and go "BEASTS." 

-- it doesn't help that i have been very critical of the photos i've been taking, so while the modeling compliment was nice, in my head all i have are negative responses as to why i couldn't/shouldn't model. negative, negative, negative. ugh.

 

At work i walked up to a table and the girl is talking to her 9 month old baby in a baby voice saying "you're fat, yes you are, moms fat and dads fat." talk about awkward. 

 

I am a bit bloated also from eating something last night..ugh...i have to remind myself when i look in the mirror that my stomach pooch is going to seem larger to me than other people. Hard not to feel like crap about it, When i'm bloated i like to rub my stomach, as if i was pregnant. 

 

It's nice though not having anxiety about taking food with me everywhere i go. so that has definitely been a plus. and my energy is not being spent obsessing over food and what im eating. yes i am eating everything, and yes i have gained some weight, but my obsession and punishment over what im eating is not as extreme. I guess I spent too much energy and time to care about it now. I am going to enjoy my food dangit..but i am going to try to lose the weight that i gained..it doesnt help that my neighbor likes to bake/cook and i just so happen to like to eat!! lol she cooks and i eat everything...apparently she only eats a little of what she makes, gosh if only i had that self control. my neighbor is going to make the weight loss that much harder...oh! and plantain chips, crap, i love those chips and have been eating them like crazy. 

 

anywho that's it for now.

 

1) went shopping yesterday and got a few new things. 2 tops, a jacket, and lip gloss. yay!

 

2) i like my hair when it is curly. its short and super cute when its curly. 

[goodbyeharrison]

Feeling sad, conflicted and confused on what I want and expectations of people around me.

Crappy. Blah. Bloated. Shark (shamu) week.

[sumdawgtwigg]

Just read the OP and it was kinda shocking how scary close it was to my own story. Actually made me feel a little more normal, if that makes sense. 

 

I've had trouble with going from one obsessive thing to the next. From not eating enough and obsessing to every single calorie just to turn around and obsessively eat everything put in front of me. I tend not to do anything in moderation but I am working on it. I'm spreading out my workouts and varying it up. I've gained a few pounds in the past couple of months and it's honestly really weighing on my emotions. I feel like everyone stares at me and thinks I'm a lazy slob. Everyone around me tries to tell me they can't even tell but it's always in my mind. I'm glad this thread was started because it seems like a lot of people have the same sort of issues. 

 

Two things :

1. i have clear skin, which is a big turnaround from my teenage years. 

2. I found someone who treats me good and doesn't take advantage of me. Never had that before either. 

 

Also, great job to everyone in this group! Takes a lot of guts to spill them in front of everyone. 

[Shereads]

Reading this makes me feel like I have come so very far. I have an eating disorder. that is life. I binge eat.  It happens and I simply have to remember it was a binge and that what ever it was I was trying to stuff does matter. My last binge was triggered by a class I went to for self improvement. It was an eyeopener. I remember when I hated myself so violently. I had to get at what it was I was really mad at myself about. Why did I hate myself so violently? I found the cause and I am still working on it. Hating my body was how I punished myself for whatever shortcoming I thought I had. It was symptom of a deeper illness. I fed myself food I knew was bad and got fat. I hated the fat body I got and kept finding new ways to punish myself. Getting out of my house and treating my depression was the first step. IRL I am deeply shy. I seem confident and together but I am not. I keep trying and that is all I can do for now.

1.Something I love about myself is my calves. They are back! I have always loves my slim ankles and calves.

2. I keep trying even if I get discouraged. I'll whine about it and allow in it but I get off the floor eventually and try again. Also I have a mama body. It is what it is and that belly and breasts that go with it are my badge of honor for being a mom. I'll take it, it is a good body.

[goodbyeharrison]

1) I went running today and did the stairs.

 

2) I like my height. Being 5'9" i'm a beast in heels, but i like that i can reach the top shelf. 

[goodbyeharrison]

Okay so it has been a while since i have posted so lets see...update...

 

The past couple weeks have been full of laziness..so i feel like a whale. I've been hovering around 140, give or take a few pounds. I know it's only 10 pounds but i feel like its the heaviest i have been in a while and i am not pleased about it. What pisses me off is that it automatically goes to my stomach...argh. Doesn't help i have eaten foods that are going to upset my stomach and cause me to be bloated. Last night i ate sweet potato fries with pumpkin dipping sauce...only problem is they are fried with flour battered foods, so they upset my stomach. They were delicious and at the time it seemed worth it..until this morning...pain..argh.

 

Sweets...i have been eating sweets...my mom bought flan, and two things of ice cream (vanilla and rocky road)...why mom? why? I dont have any crazy cravings, its more of just bored eating. 

Chips..lots of chips..potato chips and plantain chips..oh god i need to stop. Its just too much for me. plantain chips are just so delicious!!!

alcohol...been having drinks here and there. nothing crazy like before...but those drinks add up in calories. and when i drink the next day my stomach feels awful and all i can eat is innout and crappy foods. and the next day im not even hungry for majority of the day....not to mention i get horrible sleep..i wake up after 3 or so hours and can't go back to sleep. When that happens i only hope that i can either eventually fall asleep or take a nap later on. 

 

Social life: Frustrated with stupid boys. 

My friend is mad at me, but wouldn't talk to me about why..we had both had a few drinks..not sure what i said that she's mad about, she wouldn't tell me. 

 

Therapy...i had a week that skipped therapy and so the next week when i had my appointment i completely forgot about it...now im just avoiding it...i guess im in shame mode and avoiding her. I get in those modes and i avoid people...im avoiding certain friends because im in shame mode. so unhealthy. 

 

my eating patterns have been inconsistent lately with some days not eating til the afternoon, or just having a small piece of brown rice bread for breakfast to larger breakfasts..some days ill eat small meals and then pig out for one meal...yesterday for my dinner all i had was turkey deli meat and cheese..not exactly the best, but i was in a hurry to leave. When i was working out my appetite was much more consistent..and food was so much more pleasing...i guess maybe its depression but eating just isnt that great right now, not like before. My relationship with food is just so up and down. But i am able to leave the house without having anxiety that im going to be hungry..when i am at work, if i get hungry im okay. i can wait until i get home or eat a snack, but im okay. its a process.. a long one..

 

seriously i have tried writing some of this multiple times over the past week and each time i have failed to post...so here it is...ugh shame mode.

[goodbyeharrison]

1) I tanned earlier and read...probably will go for a walk in a little bit.

 

2) i like my lips. 

[goodbyeharrison]

My sister is due tomorrow, and we are all waiting for her to go into labor any day now. Seeing her pregnant freaks me out in some ways..the idea of getting stretch marks and gaining weight...it would give me a panic attack i think. I admit its vanity..she thinks its selfish that i wouldn't want to have kids because i don't want to have the physical changes. 

 

Went to the beach on tuesday with an old friend. We hadn't hung out in over a year. She asked me at one point if i had been working out and mentioned that my stomach has shrunk. That little comment has been eating at me..all i can think is yeah its not as bloated as before because i cut out gluten and quit drinking beer...but it's still not flat and nowhere near where i would like it to be. And then i get self conscious wondering if shes thinking that my stomach looks fat..gahh stupid i know. 

 

When i eat foods at a restaurant i get paranoid that it has something in it that will cause digestive issues...i can't even just enjoy eating it..*sigh* 

[Polaris]

I'm pretty sure I've never (at least, officially) had an ED, but this subject resonates with me so strongly I wanted to open up anyway.

 

I've never been fat, but definitely not what people would call thin - right now, I'm about US 10 (or 12 or even 8, depends on the piece). As a kid, I was a little chubbier than most other kids, but not fat; and it wasn't due to diet, because as far as I can remember, I ate normal food. I got teased sometimes, called a fatty and such, and the fact that I sucked at all sports didn't help the matter, but kids are cruel and it didn't affect me much.

 

Then happened the unfortunate coincidence that I started being bullied severely as all the teenage growth hormones kicked in. I was the first girl to develop in our class, and it almost never gets a positive response when you're a girl. (Always thought nature's highly unfair that way - you're a boy, you get muscles and awesome stuff, but when you're a girl, you suddenly get fat from all the places and start bleeding. Yay.) And I still wasn't fat - I could have lost a few pounds, but I was getting curves and that was hardly my fault. But that's when I began to hate my own body.

 

Later on, I told myself I was too lazy to become an anorexic. I yo-yo dieted often from ages 12 to 16 - I would starve myself and exercise, all cardio of course, until I felt like I was dying. Then I stopped and binged, because I had no willpower to continue, and the cycle repeated itself after a month or so. My dieting became a rarer occurence once I turned sixteen, but didn't stop. I remember an evening when I was nineteen, after biking 14 km to and from work, that I spent crying in the kitchen because everything had so much calories I couldn't eat anything. It helped that I was dating someone who found my attractive, but secretly I was never happy with my body. I jabbed at my hipbones and realized I would never become size 0, no matter how much I dieted.

 

I discovered LCHF a couple years ago and it was thus far the only diet that worked for me, that got me results without making me miserable. I always wandered off the diet eventually, but it was always my go-to diet when I needed to lose a few pounds. Which was usually after shopping for clothes and seeing all the disgusting fat in my body that would make all the clothes look horrible on me. It wasn't until I discovered NF and realized that my goal shouldn't be to become skinny - it should be to become strong and fast and awesome, and the resulting fat loss would be a pleasant side effect. Before that, I never thought I could be athetic, I mean, I had always sucked at sports. Muscles and all that stuff were for the naturally atheletic people, not me. This site made me realize that while I'm not strong and athletic yet, I could be - and it doesn't even require me to hit a gym for 6 hours a day.

 

I'm still not happy with my body, but you know what? One day, I will be. My morning routine now includes going to the bathroom and looking at my stomach in the mirror, thinking "yeah, it's already starting to look much better".

 

The tragic thing about my teenage yo-yo dieting, though, one I'm a bit bitter about - I was predicted to become tall. Like, 6 feet, as a woman. My little brother is easily over 6 feet tall, and I probably would be too if I hadn't starved myself of food and sleep when I was growing. I'm about 5'4" now, so I'm not short really, but it would have been awesome to be tall.

[SnowWhite]

Girl, you spoke to my heart here. I struggle daily eating enough because I still struggle with the idea that, because I need to lose weight, I should eat less. I'm working on focusing my mind on eating and sleeping enough to fuel my workouts.... it's just difficult. *hugs* Thank you for posting this, my dear. It really makes me feel less alone.

 

From my battle thread, but I think it goes here too. I have some specific body composition goals, and some fitness milestones I am working towards and to support that I've begun tracking my intakes again beyond the "serving of x, serving of y" 

 

 

[Bekah]

Girl, you spoke to my heart here. I struggle daily eating enough because I still struggle with the idea that, because I need to lose weight, I should eat less. I'm working on focusing my mind on eating and sleeping enough to fuel my workouts.... it's just difficult. *hugs* Thank you for posting this, my dear. It really makes me feel less alone.

you are so not alone

*hugs*

[Flex Luthor]

Nobody in NF is alone.

 

*more hugs*

[SnowWhite]

*hugs Bekah back* Thank you so much, my dear.

you are so not alone

*hugs*

*hugs Sim back* Thank you so very much, darling..... thank you for taking the time to listen and help me so much tonight. You're a sweetheart.

 

Nobody in NF is alone.

 

*more hugs*