How to tell someone...

[Duality]

This person I know very well (live with) gained a few in the last months, I want to tell her in the best manner possible that I think she should/could lose a few pounds. She's talked about it to me a few times that she noticed and she wants to do something about it. For christmas I even bought her a 3 month membership to the gym that she wanted, but only went 3 times. 

 

I want to find a way to motivate her. Please help, I want her to do something know before it gets worst

 

I try telling her tips to eat better (not after lunch, etc...) but she never listens or cares...

 

My goal here is to tell her without her getting mad, as I'm only trying to help...

[I-Jo]

She knows she's put on weight- you don't need to tell her. you telling her will just upset her and I"m pretty sure you don't want that and besides- it's completely unhelpful to be honest. 

 

People will change when they want to- so if SHE brings it up- ask what can I do to help you?  knowing full well you cannot supply motivation for someone but you can support them in their decisions. 

[Morrigainz]

Agree with Jo. You'll just piss her off. 

 

Why not offer to exercise with her?

[stevembk]

Does she want to lose the pounds or is it just the diet that she doesn't want changed? I wouldn't directly say anything to her. Tell her how excited you are about fitting into your 34s and medium shirts. She will see how happy you are and maybe want in on that happiness. If you are close and or see her regularly, you should schedule workouts together instead of relying on her to make it to the gym herself. That way its like a meetup and she would leave you hanging if she doesn't show up. Its more fun to workout with friends.

[Duality]

Well we live together (she's my girlfriend), I agree with what you guys are saying about not telling her personally. I was going to the gym then and offered to go with her/bring her cause it was at the same gym as mine, but that didn't motivate her.

 

I go biking often and I let her know she can tag along as often as she wants.

 

I'll go with what you said Jo, next time she brings it up, I'll ask her if she wants any help, I'm always happy to help!

[ceethegreat]

She's talked to you about it and said she wants to do something about it, so clearly she knows. Everyone knows what they SHOULD do to lose weight/get fit/etc, but doing it is hard. Try to lead by example and include her versus tell her what to do. Totally agree w/ everyone else... Invite her hiking or kayaking or something. Eat healthy and offer her a taste (preferably something delicious) and be like, oh it's way easy to make. Or invite her to help you while you make something healthy and delish. And genuinely compliment her when she makes progress, even little things. Positive reinforcement works wonders for some people.

[ceethegreat]

Also, what kind of activities does/did she like? She may not be a gym girl, but be into other activities.

[cline]

Def do not tell her.  However well intentioned, it won't work out like you hope.

 

I'm with I-Jo, Mir, and stevembk here.

 

If she brings it up - offer support - NOTE NOT AGREEMENT.  Don't say "oh yeah I agree - you are chubby".  It's hard - she's seeking an opinion "am i chubby" and she's seeking reassurance "please tell me I'm not chubby".  It's hard.  Really hard.  And I'm a woman and I can promise you - it's hard. 

 

So if she says "I'm chubby" offer something back that is supportive and warm.  Maybe "I'm sorry (and mean it) you are feeling that way.  Can I help somehow?  can I support you in something?"  She might say no.  She might just want to vent.  She might say "yeah, bug me to work out".  If she does say "let's make a date now to work out.  I don't want to bug or nag you.  Let's make this something fun instead.  We'll have a blast!".  Even if she says she wants to be nagged, she really doesn't.  None of us do.

 

If she says "we need to stop eating out/drinking beer/eating badly" say "I'm IN!  What should we start with?  Let' make a pact and do this as a team!!!"  verus "oh I agree you eat terribly" (not that you would say that - just an example). 

 

I promise you this - if you continue to offer unsolicited tips/opinions/suggestions, you could jeopardize a friendship.  If she wants tips she'll ask.

 

For women, body issues are often terribly complicated and super emotional.  I know.  If she seeks support and help, give it and do it as a team.  If she doesn't seek it, don't offer it up. 

 

She's lucky to have friends who care. 

[I-Jo]

Well we live together (she's my girlfriend), I agree with what you guys are saying about not telling her personally. I was going to the gym then and offered to go with her/bring her cause it was at the same gym as mine, but that didn't motivate her.

 

I go biking often and I let her know she can tag along as often as she wants.

 

I'll go with what you said Jo, next time she brings it up, I'll ask her if she wants any help, I'm always happy to help!

yeah- friend you live with and girlfriend are too different balls of wax.  (I live with a male roommate- I know these things)

 

I also have a boyfriend who WILL not work out.  Will not work out with me. and any remote mention of weight- working out or food that suggests loosing weight annoys him (like starts big fights).  And yes- I'm significantly fitter than he is. He isn't fat- but he could stand to lose 15 lbs or so- and I work out like 6 days a week.  The difference is noticeable to say the least. We can't talk work outs- food or anything- so I don't bother- I eat the best I can and he supports me but won't change.  That's his business  and part of my job as an adult is to accept him for who he is- and if I don't like it I need to either grow up and realize it's MY perception- OR leave. 

 

Cline is absolutely correct- weight for women is/can be SUPER emotional.  I can slaughter a work out- and two days later by crying over how fat I think my thighs are.  It's completely illogical and nonsensical- I'm mortified to even admit it- but it's true.     there is no "winning" that issue.  My BF just tells me he loves me how I am- and how I have amazing legs- when I used to get into a rut he'd just say lets go for a walk.  Always helped clear my head and was doing SOMETHING.  He supports me and never nags.  

 

Sneaky stealth- do the grocery shopping- do more of the cooking.  Don't buy junk food- don't tempt her with junk food.  I would also recommend not making a big deal about your fitness success- to women struggling with an issue (maybe men too I don't know) it just depresses us often.  It's like god damnit- way to make me feel even worse.  

 

 If she seeks support and help, give it and do it as a team.  If she doesn't seek it, don't offer it up. 

 

bam- that that that.

[Duality]

I will listen to all your suggestions and put them to work. She's working tonight and I'll go do the grocery and make a big lunch with leftovers for next day meals. I'm still learning to cook, but I'm not affraid to try something new.

 

I realise now that I might've been a small portion of the reason why she's not motivated. I don't really tend to motivate her all that much (she's asked me several times to go on walks and I hate walking. But I'm down to make a personal sacrifice to both strenghten our relationship and a step forward to better health)

 

Thanks you guys ^^

[I-Jo]

yeah definitely jump on the walks.  I don't "walk" ... I work out- but walking can be good for the relationship (my boyfriend and I pick things up and throw things at each other).  It's good just to go out and be outside and spend time with her (or him)

 

and not to be rude- but if you think going for a 20 minute walk is a personal sacrifice you have some adjusting/growing to do.   It's totally no that serious- it's not a root canal! LOL.  

 

So definitely!!   maybe make her dinner then ask her if she'd like to go for a walk in the park somewhere- think of it more like a date than walk- and then maybe it will become "her walking turns into something moar!!!" like running or push ups- or lifting all the weights!!!

 

because we like to life all the things

[junk7321]

Here is the deal... You can tell her straight up and forget the "friendship/relationship" that you have or you can calmly sit by and wait for her to mention it again and ask what you can do to help...

 

If she really wants to change, she will either ask you for your help, or she will just do it on her own. You live together, so I would focus on keeping the kitchen stocked up with fruit and veggies and get rid of the crap. If she complains, just blame it on yourself. Tell her that you need to start eating healthier because it makes you feel better.

 

I agree with I-Jo... get off your butt and enjoy the weather with your "friend." Walks will allow you two to talk, allow you to connect, and also is something physical that might make her realize that she is getting out of shape. Once you take a nice long walk and you can tell she is laboring and she realizes that she cant keep up, it will plant the seed in her brain that she needs to change a few things.

 

I also agree with I-Jo on the "personal sacrifice" deal. Grow up. Its a damn walk. You do it to and from your car to get in and out of the house and to your job (you have a job, right?). A walk can and should be more than just a walk... My wife and i run together and talk the entire time... Its a way to talk things out, talk about people, work, life, and whatever else we want.

 

Get up and go. If you want this to be more than a "friend" or "girlfriend" then you will put the time in and it shouldnt feel like a "sacrifice."

[Duality]

I do have a job....

 

I had written a whole paragraph then realised I was coming up with a whole bunch of stupid excuses as to why I was calling it a sacrifice, but deleted it once I read it all, it was ridiculously pathetic.

 

You are both right, I need to grow up a bit, it shouldn't be a sacrifice to spend some time with my girlfriend.

 

I've only been registered on this site for a day and I'm already realizing a ton of things other than what I came here for.

 

Thanks guys,

[goodbyeharrison]

I will listen to all your suggestions and put them to work. She's working tonight and I'll go do the grocery and make a big lunch with leftovers for next day meals. I'm still learning to cook, but I'm not affraid to try something new.

 

I realise now that I might've been a small portion of the reason why she's not motivated. I don't really tend to motivate her all that much (she's asked me several times to go on walks and I hate walking. But I'm down to make a personal sacrifice to both strenghten our relationship and a step forward to better health)

 

Thanks you guys ^^

 

 

You want her to make changes to lose weight, but haven't been willing to go on walks with her when she has asked you? (see anything wrong with this?). 

 

Question, for the gym membership..did she specifically ask you for it as a christmas gift? The reason i ask is if she did not specifically ask for it and it was just mentioned as "hey i want a gym membership" and you took it upon yourself to purchase it as a gift, well that can send a girl the wrong message. Especially if she feels vulnerable about her weight. 

 

Another question to ask yourself, do you want her to lose weight for her benefit, or is it for your benefit? Really though. If you want her to lose weight because you want her to be healthier, that adds a different kind of motivation for you to help her versus you wanting her to lose weight just because you want her to "look better." The motivation behind your help with affect what you think/say/do.

[I-Jo]

I do have a job....

 

I had written a whole paragraph then realised I was coming up with a whole bunch of stupid excuses as to why I was calling it a sacrifice, but deleted it once I read it all, it was ridiculously pathetic.

 

You are both right, I need to grow up a bit, it shouldn't be a sacrifice to spend some time with my girlfriend.

 

I've only been registered on this site for a day and I'm already realizing a ton of things other than what I came here for.

 

Thanks guys,

happy snoopy dance

 

this is an excellent post.  Good for you.

 

PS happy to have you here!!!  We always try to help- even if sometimes it's a little of the "tougher love" kind of help

 

YAY

 

we want to know how your walk goes!!! 

[Wolfhorde]

Definitely what has been said by posters before. Especially about 'forcing' help on people. The latter (almost) never goes anywhere productive (just look at some of the Western 'help' projects in Africa - partially curbing negative imbalances even more), always wait for the right moment when people actually ask for suggestions, help or your opinion. (unless someone has explicitly told you to be blunt with them)

Being constructive here is key, which includes things that have already been said.

Taking a walk is definitely a good idea, especially since it's less confrontational when you walk side by side (as opposed to having serious 'oppositional' conversations) plus walking (especially in natural environments) can have an incredibly calming effect.

Oh, and never underestimate the power that a seemingly small gesture can have. The latter can make as well as destroy someone's day and influence their mood and thinking - both temporarily and partially also permanently.

[cline]

Walk the walk!!!!  Do it!!! 

 

I see the most interesting things when I walk!  Some are beautiful (spring trees), others cute (dogs in jackets), others just be crazy (lady brushing her teeth in the street... yeah). 

 

Walks can be pretty funny.  I love walking places just to walk around. 

 

And lots and lots of walking is good for fat burning.

[goodbyeharrison]

oh and if she doesn't consistently workout, and you do, a walk is less intimidating. From personal experience, it can be intimidating if a guy constantly works out and i dont, and he invites me to work out. I'm gonna be huffing and puffing and looking like an idiot (well at least in my mind). Or hey maybe she just likes walks. Either way...go on a walk...you could make it a nice dinner/walk and let us know how the date goes

[Waldo]

Its not necessarily a wise idea to try, but some people, even some women, really do respond best to contant blunt words.

Granted this is also a good way to make her your ex-girlfriend....

[Wolfhorde]

Its not necessarily a wise idea to try, but some people, even some women, really do respond best to contant blunt words.

 

The problem is that different people have different understandings of 'being blunt', to some it's merely a motivational kick in the ass - to some it's plainly being rude. Unfortunately our brains have the nasty habit of getting in the way of criticism in whatever way uttered (fundamental attribution error, confirmation bias, trust gap, neglect of probability, theory of argumentative reasoning ect.)  - even constructive criticism can often be seen as 'personal offense' where there actually is none. I'd be wary with this approach especially if you're not really sure about the outcome/care about the outcome. (especially with women as studies of sports coaches trying the 'break 'em down, then build 'em up' have shown how detrimental this approach can be)

[maeggieakamegan]

I have to say that she probably already feels bad that she's let herself get the way she is and then add your success on top of it, that's a recipe for disaster. Just like with any another addiction, in order to help someone, they first have to want to help themselves. It's wasted breathe to keep talking about the subject if she doesn't want to do anything about it.

 

My ex would do the same things, keep bugging me about my weight which would lead me to eat even more because I was depressed that he even wanted to talk about it. God, sometimes I hate being female lol. But I didn't start my weightloss because of him or anyone else, I was the one that was tired of the shape I was in and I wanted to do something about it. 

 

What I have noticed is that family and friends notice my results and that motivates them that they can do it too. She'll be watching as you get healthier and eventually (if she truly cares about you) she'll want to be healthy WITH you. 

 

Also she might bitch about her appearance, what she's really looking for is reassurance that you still find her attractive. Don't fall into the trap, my friend!

[Duality]

She's working tonight, so if it's nice out tomorrow night, I'll bring her for a walk then dinner I'll let you know how it goes

 

 

I have to say that she probably already feels bad that she's let herself get the way she is and then add your success on top of it, that's a recipe for disaster. Just like with any another addiction, in order to help someone, they first have to want to help themselves. It's wasted breathe to keep talking about the subject if she doesn't want to do anything about it.

 

My ex would do the same things, keep bugging me about my weight which would lead me to eat even more because I was depressed that he even wanted to talk about it. God, sometimes I hate being female lol. But I didn't start my weightloss because of him or anyone else, I was the one that was tired of the shape I was in and I wanted to do something about it. 

 

What I have noticed is that family and friends notice my results and that motivates them that they can do it too. She'll be watching as you get healthier and eventually (if she truly cares about you) she'll want to be healthy WITH you. 

 

Also she might bitch about her appearance, what she's really looking for is reassurance that you still find her attractive. Don't fall into the trap, my friend!

 

 

 

I always tell her how beautiful I think she is, worry not

[junk7321]

She's working tonight, so if it's nice out tomorrow night, I'll bring her for a walk then dinner I'll let you know how it goes

 

 

 

 

 

I always tell her how beautiful I think she is, worry not

Let me tell you something... Always, always, always tell her you love her and that she is beautiful...

 

You are with her for a reason... Tell her!!

 

 

Trust me, your words mean the world to her... and sometimes, she just needs to hear it from someone that loves her.

[Duality]

I always do, always.

[maeggieakamegan]

Alright, we'll stop badgering you. Handle your business