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Things You Thought Were Another Thing


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For many, many years I believed Chippendale's was a frozen goods manufacturer. Someone at some point in my life has mislead me.

 

BJFCD12_Chipps2_Harrison.jpg

Welcome to Chippendale's Ice Cream Parlor.

 

What are some things you once mistook for another thing?

 

As fire marshall, I think someone should put out all of these fires I keep hearing about on the radio.

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When my uncle was a child he called Pot Roast "stringy meat" it became a family in joke decades before I was born. So everyone in the immediate family called it stringy meat. Even though I had it regularly it wasn't until I was about 14 till someone slipped and called it pot roast in my presence.

"Wait, this is what a pot roast is?"

"Yeah, what did you think it was?"

"Stringy meat."

Massive laughter.

"By trying to please everyone he had pleased no one, and lost his ass in the bargain." - Aesop 2,500 years ago.
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Oh boy. Where to begin.

-My brother and I got a couple of goldfish when we were kids. First my brother's disappeared and my mom said Peter got sick and had to go back to the pet store. Then I found Melissa floating on top of the aquarium one morning and I said, "Mom, is Melissa sleeping?" And she said, "No, honey, she's not." My dad buried her by my mom's patch of mint leaves in the garden. Still think of little Melissa when I smell fresh mint. ANYWAY, the point is that I didn't realize until I was about 14 that Peter died and my mom didn't have the heart to tell us.

-I thought that color itself was only invented when the color TV came around. I thought that the world looked like Pleasantville before then. My mom laughed real hard when I asked her what it was like to live in black and white.

-When I was in high school, that "Milkshake" song by Kelis was really popular. I didn't realize that it was innuendo until my friends were talking about it and I had the realization out loud. Hearty laughter followed.

I'm a bit innocent, it would seem.

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A few friends of mine a few years back went to Japan for a holiday. I didn't get to go because I couldn't afford it at the time and had to work. One of my mates goes to the other (as a joke) "Wanna hit the brothel over in Tokyo?" and my other friend goes, "Oh yeah that'd be awesome." My friend and I looked really surprised like "What?" before first fella says "Uh, I was joking." My friend looked disappointed and asked "Isn't that where they brew beer?" 

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In 1975 I became a member of the KISS Army. I was 7 years old.  It wasn't until I was like 14 before I got all the innuendos in their songs like "Room Service", "Hotter Than Hell", "Nothin' To Lose", and others. 

"A sharp knife is nothing without a sharp eye" - Koloth

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"If it ain't Metal...IT'S CRAP!!!" - Dee Snider

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Just so you know I live in Australia and we call flip flops thongs.

Every year my family gone on holidays to the bench, and have done so for over 20 years, and over the years my mum's side of the family has started to join us with the holiday. One night the kids were eating tea outside as normally and for some reason were talking about thongs, than my cousin said thong and we all said thongssssssss. At which point she asked what is a thong. No one had the heart to tell her the difference between a thong and thongs which ended up with her asking the parents.

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A few friends of mine a few years back went to Japan for a holiday. I didn't get to go because I couldn't afford it at the time and had to work. One of my mates goes to the other (as a joke) "Wanna hit the brothel over in Tokyo?" and my other friend goes, "Oh yeah that'd be awesome." My friend and I looked really surprised like "What?" before first fella says "Uh, I was joking." My friend looked disappointed and asked "Isn't that where they brew beer?" 

I'm always frequenting those Amsterdam brothels for new brew.

As fire marshall, I think someone should put out all of these fires I keep hearing about on the radio.

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Ah I have a good one.

 

When I was little I stayed with my Grandmother during the day and she had a few friends that had daughters names Lisa (my mom's name), so whenever one of them was talking about their Lisa they would call her "My Lisa".

 

Being the clever little monkey I was I figured out that must be my Mom's name, so I called her this for a few years before someone finally clued me in.

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I'm Jewish. When I was in law school we were driving through a neighborhood around Christmas. Someone pointed out the lights on one yard.

Me: Oh wow. That's a huge major scene.

Friend: A what?

Me: A major scene. You know, with the baby Jesus and stuff.

Friend: Thats called a manger scene.

Me: What's a manger?

Friend: It's what the baby is in. What did you think it was called?

Me: I just thought it was called a major scene. You know, cause it's a big deal.

Later that same year I was heart broken to find out the little drummer boy (my favorite song) was nowhere to be found in the actual scene.

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I can't think of any moments myself but have some funny moments my sister and cousin have had.

 

In college hanging out with my sister watching TV and a Target commercial comes on.

Sis: Whoa!

Me: What?

Sis: Did you realize the Target logo is a target?

Me: Yeah, when I was 5.

Sis: Damn.

 

Driving home from college for break with my cousin and the Jackson 5 comes on the radio.

Cousin: Do you know how many...nevermind.

Me: What?

Cousin: Nothing.

Me: Were you going to ask how many were in the Jackson 5?

Cousin: (sigh) Yes.

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I'm not bad, but my wife is. As a kid her dad used to always tell her things sarcasticly not realizing she was taking him seriously.

 

The bets one is the song "Feliz Navidad". She asked him what it meant, he told her it meant "Police got my car" in Spanish. She went around for a year or two believing the song was about how the police got the guy's car and he coudn't buy presents or somehting and got in arguments with her friends until she realized what was going on.

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I'm not bad, but my wife is. As a kid her dad used to always tell her things sarcasticly not realizing she was taking him seriously.

 

The bets one is the song "Feliz Navidad". She asked him what it meant, he told her it meant "Police got my car" in Spanish. She went around for a year or two believing the song was about how the police got the guy's car and he coudn't buy presents or somehting and got in arguments with her friends until she realized what was going on.

 

"Police Got My Car" was a parody by Cheech and Chong.

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STR: 6 | DEX: 3 | STA: 9 | CON: 4 | WIS: 6 | CHA: 5


 


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I grew up in Wisconsin. The Dells is shorthand for Wisconsin Dells, a city that is pretty much a year round tourist destination. Being Wi though, there are plenty of cows in the area, where there are cows there are farms.

It was recently explained to me that in fact the farmer was not in the Dells, he was in the dell, which is a landform like a valley.

From the time I was singing it as a little tot to the time I was singing it to/with my tot, my interpretation of the song was way off.

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My family are a bunch or gardeners so when I was almost five and I heard my mom talk about enrolling me in kindergarten, I was excited to join the family business:(

 

In my defense It does mean child garden does it not?

 

I was 4 and had some guppies and their water was low so I grabbed the bottle of "water" next to them and began filling the tank.

Did you know that baby oil isn't water? I sure didn't

 

 

My cousin:

 

My dad told us when we were about 6 or 7 that humans cannot live without water and if you don't have water you'll die.

My cousin was riding with his mom months later and it was hot so he was thirsty. He told his mom he needed water and when she didn't stop immediately he had a seizure, literally...kind of sad.

 

This guy, years alter, we were 20, told me that girls can actually get pregnant from swallowing...I was hoping for another seizure.

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I have one from when we were 12 me and two of my buddies with two girls our age.

 

Somehow the conversation landed on the sex topic, we then proceeded to talk about it for a bit, then one of the girls said "It feels so good having an orgasm", my buddy 1 answered " Hell yeah, I still remember my first one", my buddy 2 jumps in with an angry and loud voice " YOU KNOW GUYS CAN'T HAVE ORGASMS".

 

Needless to say at what point we laughed. We had to explain to him (in the best of our knowledge) what an orgasm was.

___________

 

When I was about the same age, I started dating this girl, but I wouldn't make out with her, then one day my mom asked me if I made out with her, I told her "No! You know I can't you told me that her tounge will catch in my braces!"

 

She laughed a whole lot.

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I just found out last week from that speech demographic going around that wiping the sleep from your eyes isnt a figure of speech. Its actually what some people call eye boogers.

USS & NBAC Masters swim coach

Current: lifter, runner

Former: triathlete, cyclocross racer, NCAA swimmer

 

Current games: Borderlands 2, Runescape, Star Ocean, Dragon's Dogma

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