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Loki

Loki's Still up to No Good

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Almost forgot to update this! Thanks, Wirlome and Tateman; that timer idea is brilliant, Odin, and I will definitely try it out!

Diet) Decent, hydration improved.

100 Miles) 3, 51.5/100 (woo past halfway point!)

Climbing) Standard weightlifting

Compliment) My endurance is improving.

Ugh busy busy busy when will it end?!?!

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Hello Loki :) 

Great job at getting to the halfway point on the 100 mile journey! You can do it. How is your week going so far? 

I hope you are doing terrific. 

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Well, this week is Turing out to be nearly as busy as last week...

Forgotten update from last night:

Diet) Eh, half really good and half really bad. Hydration good though.

100 Miles) 3, 54.5/100

Climbing) Nothing

Compliment) Clothing I remember as being too tight for me is now looking very good on me.

Hey, at least even though I forgot I didn't just ditch, and came back with a late report?

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After tomorrow, things should finally calm down (tomorrow will be insane though).

Diet) So-so, hydration so-so.

100 Miles) 2.5, 57/100

Climbing) Normal weight routine. Still need to figure out inverse rows or whatever those are called...

Compliment) I'm great at finding connections between seemingly unrelated items.

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Diet) ...Let's not go there.

100 Miles + Climbing) Technically, neither work on either. I did however do an extended strength and cardio combined workout that I call Baby Dance Party (the kid turned on the radio and demanded I swing him around and bounce him).

Compliment) I work very quickly.

Hopefully tomorrow I'll have time for an extended post plus comments on the threads I follow.

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Hahahaha my naive soul thought I'd have time yesterday.

Status for Friday, a day late:

Diet) Atrocious

100 Miles) 4.5, 61.5/100

Climbing) baby lifting and carrying, climbed one of the walls I've already climbed, just because.

Compliment) My climbing has gotten a lot more graceful.

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Hello Loki! Dropping by to check in on your progress. So....what is going on dietwise? It looks like you had a couple of bad days. Was it fast food or just a lot of food? Diet is a toughy. You can do it, though ;)

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And it officially looks like my work and social schedule is going to continue to be insane until the end of the challenge. Joy. But at least I've finished up things early enough (hah! so nuts that almost 1 am is considered early!) that I'll be able to catch up with people after this update. 

 

Diet) Eh, so-so, but hydration was excellent.

 

To answer rogaecia's question (which is an important and good one; I need to own up to it if I'm going to change it) my diet has slowly been sliding to carbs. It isn't fast food (luckily, I find fast food disgusting), and it isn't an unreasonable quantity of food, it just is more carbs than my diet should be, especially for the amount of weight I need to lose. More importantly, a so-so or decent-enough day is fine in isolation, but those add up. I've been too busy to do much cooking or food prep lately, so I've been grabbing too many easier foods (especially foods that can be eaten while working--curse you popcorn). On top of that, I've been so busy that I've been skipping breakfast, which isn't good on a bunch of levels.

 

On top of that, I've had way too many social functions and special occasions pop up. Normally, I'd be able to pass on all of the desserts being launched at me with greater ease, but I've been using them as ways to distract myself from my workload. I swear, people who say freelancing and working from home is relaxing are full of it. Luckily, I've been able to really portion control the junk (especially because most cakes, honestly, aren't very good, so I feel no need to have more than a half slice or so) but I haven't been turning down wine enough.

 

At this point, I doubt I will make my diet goal, but I haven't tried on the next size down yet so I don't know where I stand. I know a lot of my clothing has definitely gotten too big for me (I'm "retiring" shirts left and right, and am about to have to retire one of my favorite dresses; a shame it wouldn't look right tailored down...), however I lose last in my hips so... Also, I have such major problems with back waistband gapping in pants. On one hand, that usually means that the waist on the pants is too large for the wearer. But I can't help but wonder if maybe it isn't that, and it's that my butt is too big and that I'm constantly having to pull the pants up because fat is pushing them down, not because they're too big and coming down for that reason. Ugh, the joys of body dysmorphia--I can't evaluate myself for anything.

 

Moving on! 100 Miles) 4, 65.5/100. This has become my favorite part of the challenge, even though I don't know if I'll be able to make the full 100. I think the best part is having this challenge as an excuse to set aside the time to walk/jog/elliptical/whatever. It's like the special me-time that work and taking care of the baby isn't allowed to interfere with.

 

Climbing) Standard weight routine. My bent over rows are pretty steady at 55lb dumb bells; I worry about my grip strength for making the jump to 60. My skullcrushers are at 30lbs, and my shoulder presses are kinda spastic, jumping from 25lb dumb bells down to the occasional set at 20lbs (though hovering at 25 or 22.5 most frequently). I'm also occasionally throwing in a set of bicep curls for my non-baby arm, as I noticed my baby arm has a lot more definition and a bigger muscle.

 

Compliment of the day) I have initiative. Though I've been having trouble accepting compliments lately, I suspect because I feel guilty for not keeping my diet up to the standards it should be at.

 

Thanks to the commenters for sticking around and encouraging me even while I haven't been able to return the favor!

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Don't get yourself too down on the diet.  You are super busy and super stressed from it all probably.  It might be too big a change to have to handle with everything else that is happening in life.  Blaidd was having an extremely stressful time and had to refocus her goals.  Maybe it can be something simple.  Whatever you plan to eat, try to remove some.  Maybe it is half a potato instead of a whole one.  Sometimes I would just try to chew slower even.  Try to give my stomach time to tell me it is full.  In the whole 30 book I read they often talked about stopping everything and eating at the table.  I still don't really do that.  The idea was that you just focus on the food you eat.  Take your time and enjoy every bite of it.

 

I feel really bad not getting all of my goals completed this challenge, but i think my focus is where it needs to be on the others.

 

My sister is in town this weekend, and we were talking about body image issues.  I was telling her for the longest time I knew I was fat, but never thought I was fat.  I could sit there and look at my arms or legs and say ok, little fat, but I still think I am thinner.  Then I would die when i see a picture of myself.  My sister is the opposite.  She was never really fat, and even in her thinnest days, she would still say she was fat.  It made me tell her about your challenge and accepting compliments.  She does very similar deflections on things like you have described.  I have even done that, and still do.  I was telling her she should try a challenge like you are doing.  I think you are doing really well.  It's ok to have faliure in the challenges.  I think it is how we learn and deal with the failures that make us all better in the end.

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Another mini update:

Diet) not good, tripped and fell into one of the few bad foods that still has sway over me

Miles) 2, 69.5/100, half a mile away from a C grade

Compliment) I'm entertaining. Doing compliments gets harder and harder, every day... Over the weekend, had a pretty, um... Disturbing realization? Hopefully will steal time to write on it tomorrow, but cliff notes version is that I literally think I have less value and worth than thin friends, and just because of weight.

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Hey Loki, you are doing ok!  Really.  Sit back and take a deep breath.  

 

And you are a great person that weight has no bearing on.  You have supported me, I'm going to try to support you too :)  I often think bad about my weight.  I mean who wants to really hang out with the 300+ pound fat guy.  I've lost focus lots of time in this challenge.  Seeing people in my thread helped push me more then a few times.  You all inspire me to try my best.  Not only for me, but because I want to try and impress everyone.

 

So chin up, and take a virtual hug.  Keep trying every day.  Even if you fail, you still try.  I know you can do it. 

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Thank you so much Tateman. It's so crazy--I doubt anyone else cares about my size/weight, yet I catch myself thinking that I should be grateful to my thin friends just for overlooking it. It's the strangest value system, where none of my abilities, personality traits, or anything matter unless I'm thin; and it's a value system I buy into completely and think it would be right for people to treat me as subhuman because of my weight. Yet the thought of anyone turning that system on someone not me and treating them the way I think I deserve to be treated absolutely disgusts me as morally repugnant. 

 

And that's without even getting into what body dysmorphia is doing to me! It's so weird. I'm going down clothing sizes by necessity because what I have is hanging off of me to the point of ridiculous, but when I put on even slightly smaller stuff I feel like I'm too fat for it, and in the mirror can only see lumps of fat. My big worry is that I haven't actually lost weight, I've just squeezed into too small of clothing so I can pretend I have.

 

On top of that, I missed my Monday gym session (because of lack of childcare) and thought I wouldn't be able to go tonight either (but thank God I did get to). Turns out going three days without a real workout is too long. And at the same time, my diet  self-destructed (stress, self-hatred, work burn-out, hopelessness--I got so tired that I stopped caring about myself enough to make the effort to cook and went for convenience). So, from lack of exercise and the funk high carb puts me in, I had two biological causes of mental misery making everything seem so much worse.

 

But luckily, as I said before, I did actually make it to the gym. My lifts weren't as good as they could be, probably because of the diet, the three day break, and the wrist on my weaker arm is sore. I have tiny hands and wrists, and have been doing bent-over rows with a 55lb dumbbell. Sometimes, the dumbbell is cumbersome for me to maneuver, just because my hands are small. This means there's sometimes too much motion in my wrist during the exercise. I suspect that's what happened to my wrist. It doesn't hurt-hurt, it just has the slightest ache, only for a second, and only if I bend it just right. Still, I reduced weight to be more careful with it, as I don't want to cause a real injury. I skipped the rows and replaced them with some pathetic attempts at inverse bodyweight rows, did my shoulder press and skullcrushers (and a few curls for my weak arm so that the muscle will catch up), and benched for the first time since last challenge. Since my other lifts weren't doing too hot and I hadn't benched in so long, I decided to take it really easy and start with a light weight bench, 85lbs. It definitely felt easy enough. If I keep it up, I'm sure I'll be back to 100lbs in no time (heck, maybe even next workout).

 

My bigger work out concern, however, came in cardio. My knees have been poppy and clicky for a long time, especially the one I injured before. It doesn't hurt, though it can disturb people around me when they realize what the noise is, and it just sort of felt weird. Usually, it isn't an issue. Today, though, the clicky-pops felt so strongly that I had to give up on the elliptical. It was distracting and uncomfortable, though not painful. I ended up on the treadmill going far slower than I'd want to, but at least I stuck it out. I'm desperately hoping that the degraded knee condition was caused by poor diet and lack of exercise. The knee did seem improved walking up and down stairs after the work-out. I'm tempted to see a doctor, but on the other hand it doesn't actually hurt, so I would probably be wasting her time.

 

Now, the goal report of the day:

 

Diet) Started off pretty poor, but later in the day went back to normal. Resolve is better for tomorrow as well. Hydration was decent, though part of it was through lemonade (lemon juice + water + stevia) and I'm not sure how much I should penalize myself for that.

 

100 Miles) 2.5 hard fought miles. 72/100. C grade.

 

Climbing) Weight routine discussed more in detail above. Didn't do as good of a job or lift as heavy as my normal routine, but weights definitely happened and make the world a better place.

 

Compliment) This one really is the hardest of my goals. Just getting through the day without insulting myself is hard enough. I guess the compliment would be that I was strong enough to not let a few bad days stop me and was even able to turn a day around that had already gotten off to such a bad start?

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I know how you feel with clothes.  It's still why i where 4xl stuff.  I am super worried about what clothes to wear.  They have to be baggy enough for me to not feel weird in them.

 

I'd at least get in touch with your doctor to at least discuss your knee.  It might not be hurting now, but it could just be something small that builds up over time into something much worse.  Better safe then sorry. :)

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Too much work today to do much else.

 

Diet) MUCH better. Not perfect, but worlds better.

 

100 Miles) 2. 74/100.

 

Climbing) Nope.

 

Compliment) It was pointed out to me that pants that I somehow thought were tight in fact were actually comically loose. I did not immediately discount the idea and insult myself, but instead pulled the fabric from my body to see how much slack there was in the fabric--and there was quite a bit of unexpected slack (I'll bet you can relate to that, Tateman!). This is a mental and physical improvement. So, compliment of the day: today I was much improved mentally and physically.

 

On the knee front, it wasn't popping so much today (walked, not elliptical though). I'm going to see if it goes back to normal for next workout. If it doesn't I'll see about getting to a doctor once life calms down enough.

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Great to hear.  I have my friend and teammate tell me she thought my shirt looked really big on me.  I didn't think it was as big as my other shirts, but I kind of looked and thought that yeah, I am swimming in it a bit :)  I think these last few weeks I have been losing a good amount of weight.

 

One day at a time Loki!  

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Full update tomorrow. Quick details for now.

FRIDAY

Diet) pretty good

100 Miles) 2.5, 76.5/100

Climbing) Nope

Compliment) I function well on little sleep.

SATURDAY

Diet) Pretty awesome

100 Miles) 5, 81.5/100 (broken the B grade!)

Climbing) Nope (well, carrying a lot of groceries and a baby...)

Compliment) I have clear skin.

Have details and a dilemma. Will post them tomorrow.

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Meant todo a bigger write up but got sucked into work and lost track of time.

Diet) Even better than yesterday! Back on track!

100 Miles) 1.5, 83/100

Climbing) nope

Compliment) I'm a good researcher.

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Diet) Decent for a holiday.

100 Miles) 1, 84/100. I am only 6 miles away from an A grade, 16 miles away from my goal. I have a hiking trip planned for this weekend, so here's hoping I hit 100...

Climbing) Nope

Compliment) I'm proactive. I also accepted compliments gracefully today; have been good about it the past few days.

Ok, so going into the final stretch I'm very close to an A in miles, and reaching the full goal is do-able. Climbing was already completed. For the compliments, I think I missed only 1 day so I'm probably in A territory.

The big problem is the diet goal. While I had some rough days, my scoring metric is pants size. For going down, I decided to find a different cut of pants (the ones I was in had too much back waistband gap). When I tried on pants, it was a total crapshoot--there was no relationship between the size on the tag and the fit. The pair that ended up looking best on me, most comfortable, was a size down which technically meets my goal. However, in other less flattering cuts the smaller size didn't fit (in one, a size one bigger than my current pair fit but didn't look good). So, I'm not sure if it counts as completing the challenge or not. Please advise.

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I'm really glad that you're doing your compliment goal, especially because you're having a particularly hard time with seeing your worthiness lately.

 

As for your pants size, if any style fits that is a lower size, I say you've made progress. Maybe in the future, you could try to find the same style as your previous pants to give you a better sense of change.

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I agree on the same style pants thing, but haven't had luck with size selections in stores being in stock. I'll have to come up with a better way to judge this for next time.

Diet) ridiculously clean, good hydration

100 Miles) 2, 86/100

Climbing) nope

Compliment) I'm organized.

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