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AshPS

AshPS Fixing What Was Broken

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Wow, I'm blown away. Seriously, you guys are great!

 

Explaining will take a bit longer post than I have time for at the moment. Here is a short form response.

 

The talk has been had. I know exactly what he's bothered by and why he does it. Problem is

 

I CAN'T FIX IT.

 

Only he can, and that is going to be a tough road for him he's not willing to take.

 

Ok, promise to explain better later. :peaceful:

 

I am much better this morning.

 

Thanks again guys!

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WARNING: If you are someone who only wants to read progress reports feel free to skip this and scroll up or down (if there is anything there after this. :playful: )

 

Ok, here is an explanatory post. And, (huff loudly) some fear facing. See, I have built my life around hiding all negativity from people and making them think life is perfect. HONED into me as a kid for reasons I can not explain here. (Not that brave yet.) But, I am going to do this to fulfill a promise I made to myself when I came to NF- Complete honesty, no more hiding. There are 2 reasons. 1) I realized that by hiding pain and frustration it came out in the eating. My form of finding comfort. 2) When I was part of accountability groups in the past no one could help or be supportive if they didn't know my challenges. And, it helps immensely. Plus, I found it much harder to relate to people who always seemed to have everything perfect. No one wants to hear anyone whine and complain, but I personally can connect with people overcoming their own struggles.

 

Man, this is so hard. You can not know how many times I came over last night to delete that post because I didn't want anyone to see my vulnerability or think me stupid. Then my wingman came in last night offering encouragement and I knew it would be ok.

 

I faced my fears by joining the NF challenge and overcoming the voice of past failure in my head.

I faced my fears by asking Vilkacis to be my accountability partner and worrying he would think me stupid or some strange stalker type,lol.  :playful:

I faced my fears by joining a super awesome accountability group. (That whole feeling stupid thing again.)

I faced my fears putting that post up.

I hope that means I'm getting lots of practice. :nevreness:

 

Please understand that when I make post like this, or the one above, it's purely for my benefit. Feel free to comment if you would like, but I'm not doing it because I expect answers necessarily. I know that there are challenges everyone of us face that only we alone can do anything about. I also promise to label these posts like I did the last when I said it was for me in case there are those who don't want to read the rant. Completely understandable. :peaceful:

 

Now, on to the meat of this. Let me start this out by making it clear that I DO NOT hate my hubs. It is not my intent to disparage him but simply to explain who he is and what makes him tick.

 

The reason he is sabotaging my efforts is because he DESPISES being pushed out of his comforts zone. I have seen him in the past give up wonderful opportunities for jobs and such because of it. He stays in a job he hates with all his being because of it. He fears failure. If someone can't guarantee him he will succeed he won't budge an inch. And, as any sane person knows, nothing in life is guaranteed. That comfort zone has led to a very selfish side. He makes every decision in his life by first starting it with whether it something he wants or makes him happy. And, the cause of this comfort zone is his mom. My husband's father took off when he was but 8 and his mother never remarried. He was the oldest. His whole life his mom has fixed his every problem. And, yes, sadly she still does.  If he messes up, she fixes it. Money, clothes you name it. She is his safety net. He spends too much money, she gives him more, he wants something he can't afford, she gets it. Someone does something he doesn't like she tells him they don't understand and it's not his fault.

 

I know there is only one thing that will possibly change this and force him out of that zone, but I am not such a hateful person to wish such a thing. Though heaven help us when it happens, all hell will probably break lose.

 

His days are comprised of going to work and coming home and parking it in front of the computer where he pretty much stays till bedtime.

 

He says he wants to be healthier, he says he wants to exercise, but that's as far as it ever gets.

 

I asked him to stop (sabotaging me) he became offended and said he was just being nice. I explained what I wanted to accomplish and he says he's all for it. But, he continues to make it difficult.

 

No, he doesn't like me the way I am, he has stated as much. He is afraid I will change and he will feel forced to change. And that means leaving his comfort zone.

 

That is why I can't fix it. I have to just find a way to do what I NEED to do no matter what.

 

Thanks for listening. :peaceful:

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Update:

 

Kiddos slept in late this morning so I did too. Needed it. When I went to bed last night the front of my thighs were terribly sore, but when I woke up it was only moderately bothering me. YEAH! Now I will go punish them again tomorrow, lol! :playful:

 

I've decide that if I do a treat day that the majority of the time it will probably be on Sunday. Same with meals that may be more indulgent (pizza, hot dogs, ect.) The reason is that Sundays are usually our hang out and veg time for the family so it's a good time to do a treat. But, I am not allowing a treat this weekend. First, I don't really feel I need it. Second, I don't want to feel pushed into it and I would if I did right now. Treats will be my decision alone. Though the 2 pancakes I had this morning with blueberries and sugar free syrup did indeed feel like a treat! :redface: And, since I'm not totally paleo pancakes are allowed.

 

I've also interestingly noticed that it seems to be better if I keep the majority of carbs earlier in the day.

 

Ok, will be back later with my food journal. Today was my rest day from the BBWW.

 

Best wishes for everyone! :peaceful:

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I am married to a man with Asperger's. This makes perfect sense. Fortunately, he was genuinely worried about my health, so he is on board with this, but there are other things I cannot get him to budge on. And even though he is being supportive, if there is something going on with HIM, it comes first. ALWAYS.

So I get it. Hugs, and a map to help us figure out a way around the obstacles ;)

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So I get it. Hugs, and a map to help us figure out a way around the obstacles ;)

 Hah, yeah for sure, lol! Thank you! :redface:

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Congratulations for your willingness to be honest. This takes courage.

 

I'm sorry to hear about the problems your husband faces. The reality for you may really be doing this without his support. But I know you can do it, and we are here for you when you need it. I also think, if he introduces tiny changes into his life, he might learn not to be so afraid. But maybe first he has to see the change in you and envy what you have.

 

Hang in there.

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Congratulations for your willingness to be honest. This takes courage.

 

I'm sorry to hear about the problems your husband faces. The reality for you may really be doing this without his support. But I know you can do it, and we are here for you when you need it. I also think, if he introduces tiny changes into his life, he might learn not to be so afraid. But maybe first he has to see the change in you and envy what you have.

 

Hang in there.

 

Thanks, very appreciated. That is my  hope.

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Now, on to the meat of this. Let me start this out by making it clear that I DO NOT hate my hubs. It is not my intent to disparage him but simply to explain who he is and what makes him tick.

Glad to hear that! I'm also glad to hear that you understand him; I just hope he doesn't continue to try to sabotage you.

 

Maybe you should get him hooked up with NF? :P Sounds like he could use it!

 

I'm proud of you for being open and honest. It takes a lot of courage to do something like that! Keep up the great work, Ash!

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Glad to hear that! I'm also glad to hear that you understand him; I just hope he doesn't continue to try to sabotage you.
 
Maybe you should get him hooked up with NF? :tongue: Sounds like he could use it!
 
I'm proud of you for being open and honest. It takes a lot of courage to do something like that! Keep up the great work, Ash!

 

 

Thanks Meta! Wish I could! When it comes to the computer the only thing he spends his time on is sports sites. He won't do anything he considers social media. Tried. :playful:

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I second Meta, you have incredible courage!  My wife is one of these people who can pretty much eat whatever she wants and stay thin her whole life.  My two small kids love mac n' cheese and pizza, and argue any time we offer up chicken and broccoli more than once a month.  I understand not having a family supporting every decision, but actively putting up roadblocks seems crazy.  Your strength is amazing! 6 kids, whoa!  I have two and they are definitely more than I can handle. :)  Seems like there is no stopping you!

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I second Meta, you have incredible courage!  My wife is one of these people who can pretty much eat whatever she wants and stay thin her whole life.  My two small kids love mac n' cheese and pizza, and argue any time we offer up chicken and broccoli more than once a month.  I understand not having a family supporting every decision, but actively putting up roadblocks seems crazy.  Your strength is amazing! 6 kids, whoa!  I have two and they are definitely more than I can handle. :)  Seems like there is no stopping you!

 

Blushing here! :redface: I would say I hate your wife, but I wouldn't mean it I'm just jealous. I gain weight looking at food, lol. And, I understand completely. Seems like all the favorites here are things I should shy away from. And I'm the one having to cook it, lol! Wishing you awesome progress too! :encouragement:

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Progress Report

 

Exercise: BBWW Rest Day

 

FOOD:

 

2 pancakes with blueberries and sugar free syrup

1 cup coffee with creamer

 

small handful of walnuts

 

Leftover meatloaf

Veggies

 

Water- SHOCK- No Gum Today

I do use mio in my water sometimes but it is also sugar free

 

 

WEEK 1

 

GOALS

 

1) Eating only when hungry- I have not put a single thing in my mouth I didn't plan to put there (A)

 

2) Cutting out Sugar- the only sugar was in my coffee creamer (which I allowed for) and a couple of items I cooked this last week which was also planned (i.e. oatmeal muffins)  (A)

 

3) Lifting Program- did an upper body to start the week and then took up the BBWW for 2 more, so with rest days  (A)

 

Yeah for week one down! I will be posting any loss in weight or measurements probably tomorrow.

 

Chakra

 

Hate this one.

Guilt- well, the one that has haunted me would be, my baby brother was killed some years back and the last time I talked to him we argued over something stupid. I had promised him I would always be there for him. Then my sister OD a year ago last Feb. and I didn't realize she was suffering so. I feel like I failed them both. Which in turn makes me feel like I'll fail everyone around me. Which only adds to that whole failure issue I deal with anyway. Makes me feel like I am somehow not what I should be.

 

I'm thinking about coming back and deleting that whole thing so don't be surprised.

 

Motivational Quote for the Week:

 

We become what we want to be by consistently being what we want to become each day.- Richard Scott

 

Glad that's over with.

 

HERO- If you make me keep this chakra thing up I may quit. Been warned. :playful:

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Wow. Saying I'm proud right now would be an understatement, and unfortunately saying I understand and have been there would be lying..I can never know what you're going thru, either with the hubs or the guilt on your shoulders. All I can sat with 100% certainty is you are an amazing person that seems to be on the right track to making themselves happy, body, mind, and soul! You are an incredibly strong individual! Mentally, and working to physically, right? :)

Extremely proud of you for week one completed 100% A's! Only 5 more to go!

WE GOT THIS!!! ;):)

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Awwwwwww....Vilkacis, you are sweet! :redface-new:  But seriously and truly, that means a lot to me. Thank you.

 

And, heck yeah! 100% :triumphant:

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Sweet!!! I just realized I'm not a newbie anymore, I'm a recruit. Don't ask me why that matters. :numbness:

It may be with the number of posts you've put up so far? Don't quote this from me! Just speculating, haha.  :rolleyes-new: 

I read all of the posts about your husband and your struggles. You are seriously so strong for going through that. Changes take time, and I guess that's what he needs. I applaud you so far. Keep being awesome! 

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Hey! Hey!! The chakras have been voluntary for the start, you don't have to do them if you don't want to haha! If you do want to do them though you don't have to post about them. I'm fully aware that some of these are pretty soul-bearing, as they're meant to be, and I'd never ask anyone to do something so personal just for the sake of doing it. You can just tell us ,"Got it, I'm thinking about it." and leave it at that if you'd like. No one will pry, promise. Good job on your first day of the second week! Keep the ball rolling!!

 

Also, thanks Vilkacis for helping out one of our own. Couldn't tell you how appreciative we are, if you ever need anything from the Brigade, just let us know!

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Congrats on topping 100 posts! (That's how you become a recruit.)

 

Great job meeting your challenge goals! Keep up the awesome work!

 

For your chakra, I think both of those things were out of your control. I know it's difficult to not feel guilty when things like that happen, but maybe it will help to acknowledge that you can't control everything.

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Hey! Hey!! The chakras have been voluntary for the start, you don't have to do them if you don't want to haha! If you do want to do them though you don't have to post about them. I'm fully aware that some of these are pretty soul-bearing, as they're meant to be, and I'd never ask anyone to do something so personal just for the sake of doing it. You can just tell us ,"Got it, I'm thinking about it." and leave it at that if you'd like. No one will pry, promise. Good job on your first day of the second week! Keep the ball rolling!!

 

Also, thanks Vilkacis for helping out one of our own. Couldn't tell you how appreciative we are, if you ever need anything from the Brigade, just let us know!

 

No worries Hero, just kidding. I guess it might go along with that whole 'figurative baggage' I listed as part of my Epic quest. We will see on the rest of the chakras.

 

Congrats on topping 100 posts! (That's how you become a recruit.)

 

Great job meeting your challenge goals! Keep up the awesome work!

 

For your chakra, I think both of those things were out of your control. I know it's difficult to not feel guilty when things like that happen, but maybe it will help to acknowledge that you can't control everything.

 

Meta- Thank you!

 

When someone chooses to take their own life I guess you can't control that ultimate choice. But, you also can not know that you might not have been able to affect their decision if you had been more aware.

 

I feel like I'm letting people poke a stick at a very open wound.

 

Must go do my workout.

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When someone chooses to take their own life I guess you can't control that ultimate choice. But, you also can not know that you might not have been able to affect their decision if you had been more aware.

 

 As someone who has been on the other side of things, I know that once someone makes that choice there is basically no one or nothing that can change their mind besides themselves. But I also know the guilt from this side of things and thinking that maybe there was something you could have said or done to make things different. And I also know that I can't just tell you that it wasn't your fault and then everything will be magically better. This will take time to heal, but I wish you the best on that journey to healing and I'm sorry for your losses.

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Every time I think you can't top your previous post, you outbrave yourself. 

 

No platitudes. I just know from experience that in order to heal from something traumatic, you have to let yourself feel the pain. It's the hardest thing ever but you're doing it.

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Thank yous seem lame but they are still very sincere. For once there are more than demons in my head and it feels good.

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Update and Stats:

 

Workout:  BBWW #3 Done!  I think I am keeping everything maxed as it is. My reason is because I am going to focus on strength and balance this week because.......I am going to aim to do 2 complete circuits next week. (Huff loudly) 

Fear: "What the heck are you doing?!! Don't tell people that! It will make you accountable! (shiver)"

Me: "Shut Up."

 

Stats:

 

Disclaimer: Please remember that anything I say applies strictly TO ME. You do what works for you. As I was just telling my daughter, that is why there is more than one medication for a problem- what works for one person may do nothing for someone else.

 

That said, I will say right now that I do have before pics and stats. Took it all when I started the challenge for proof purposes. But, I will not be posting them here (at least not currently). The reason? Honestly, yeah, part is fear. But, mostly it is because I have never found looking at where I am motivational. Quite the opposite in fact. It more is like looking at the demons for me. Instead I prefer to focus my mind on who I want to be and think and act as if I'm already there.

 

When the challenge is over I might post them then.

 

Here is the progress I have made as of this past week (last Tuesday to be exact).

 

Weight: According to the scale I am officially down by 8 lbs!

 

Measurements:

 

L. Arm: 1/2 in. loss

Waist: 1 in. loss

Hips: 1/2 in. loss

L. Thigh: 2 in. loss

 

 

Time for the happy dance!!!!

 

:triumphant: :triumphant: :triumphant: :triumphant: :triumphant: :triumphant: :triumphant: :triumphant:

 

 

(Why in the world is there a limit on the emoticons??!! That limited my happy dance darn it.)

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Hey, I love your goals, especially the first:

 

1) Teach myself to distinguish the difference between being hungry and being crazy stressed out or sleep deprived. And, to eat quality. Even if that means going to the trouble to fix it "just for myself".

 

I never thought of myself as an emotional eater but somehow, I always blow my calorie budget when I'm annoyed.

 

Anyway, great goals, good challenges.  Can't wait to hear how Week 2 goes.

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