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This weekend I'm going on a Wellness Retreat coordinated by a friend who runs a group for active professional women in the city. It will be an entire day of exercise classes and nutrition and stuff. We are really excited about it. They already sold out - 70 participants! I didn't expect it to be that big. I'm not generally a fan of that many people at once (I'm really introverted) but I've been looking forward to this retreat for a long time. Also, I really am overdue for some socializing. Who knows? Maybe I'll make new friends.

 

 

That sounds awesome! You have to let us know how it is. :-)

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Whoo Hooo on the elevated dips! Way to push the bar!

 

Do you have a recipe for those protein pancakes- I'm interested!

 

Hope that retreat is awesome!

 

And, remember, we are always here to support and encourage you!! ;)

 

Keep rockin!! :triumphant:

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Impressive workouts!

 

When you are back from your retreat, should we do a PvP Burpee challenge? I am fascinated by those and I notice it is a powerful exercise, efficient, so I would like to increase my strength on it!

 

I am really looking forward reading your book, sincerely I am sure it's going to be so helpful for a lot of people, and it will surely enable you to let go of the grief.

 

Good retreat to you powerful one!

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I feel like I haven't been able to give everyone else the support you deserve, because of all this stuff on my mind. 

 

What is it?

 

I told my Coach that Fall is usually a very difficult time for me due to past experiences. I told him I would probably go a little crazy. He told me it's a self-fulfilling prophesy and not to let the past ruin my life. I was annoyed because I hardly let the past ruin or rule my life. It felt kind of patronizing. But I was also really upset yesterday about old stuff I can't change and for that reason probably was catastrophizing and expecting the worst. So I told him the truth is probably somewhere in the middle.

 

I have a weird relationship with my Coach. I went to elementary & high school with him and he's always been a different sort of person. He just randomly decided to help me get fit back in December. He's in the military and trains soldiers on how to survive being a POW. He's crazy hardcore, like ''run 30 miles just for fun'' hardcore, but he manages to push me without making me feel like I have to do anything unsafe. He will not under any circumstances accept excuses but he's not the screaming insults drill sergeant stereotype either.

 

He thinks unlike anyone else I know, and he sure as hell thinks nothing like I do. This makes for some interesting conversation but lots of misunderstandings. Um, and arguments. I called him a ''self-righteous SOB'' once, the first time he was trying to get me to exercise through illness. He turned out to be right, dammit.  :mad-new: 

 

Our relationship is one part professional, one part friendship, and one part ''Who the hell are you, you strange alien creature?" And on the one hand I can see that he's helped me cut through a lot of crap in my life and discover strengths within that I never knew existed. On the other hand, he can come across as totally out of touch with the reality of mental health disorders. I really do think he sees it as ''mind over matter.''

 

But when he told me that I was setting myself up for failure, I was both angry and at the same time felt like I failed him. Then I was annoyed with myself for giving a shit what he thinks. Because part of the thing he has helped me to do is learn to stop worrying about what other people think. Then I got confused, and I cried, and it helped a little.

 

Today I feel less confused, just dealing with good ol' depression, but that I can handle. Most of my feeling down lately has been related to not hearing back about this job. It has been over a week and she hasn't contacted any of my references yet. It wouldn't be so bad if my current job weren't so painfully slow, so I've just had all this extra time to worry about it. I think I'm going to start applying for other jobs just to keep from feeling like everything depends on this one thing coming through.

 

I've already done most of my steps for the day. Even though I was just going around the neighborhood, I strapped my backpack on my back so I can get used to the weight. It's the only way I'm going to get stronger. I still have periodic back pain so I have to keep working.

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Hey Buggs, don't be so hard on yourself. We know you love us! ^_^

 

Definitely sounds like an interesting relationship. :nonchalance:

 

Good job on getting those steps in despite the crappy stuff. You are a tough girl! Probably why your coach wanted to help you! :peaceful:

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Tuesday, August 20th, 2013 (belated update)


 


Goal 1 (min 10,000 steps): 10,000 + 5,347 bonus miles (6.31 miles)


Goal 2 (one veggie snack a day): FAIL


Goal 3 (stretch after workout) Done


 


Grade = A-


 


Today's Workout of the Day (WOD):


100 overhead claps w/weights (2.5 lbs. each)


 


Very little structure yesterday, so considering that I probably made out pretty well. I did extra steps but was a little weak nutritionally, since I ended up snacking through the day instead of having meals yesterday.


 


Today is good so far. I have started a little workplace routine to do on the hour every hour so that my back doesn't get torched from sitting too much. It goes


 


5 push-ups


5 backward lunges


5 calf raises


5 overhead claps


5 arm circles


 


x 3 rounds


 


The push ups are, of course, the hardest part. But doing them at this rate, it will make those 10 sets of 10 a heckuva lot easier.


 


No weight loss in the last three days, but that's okay. I know it takes time. It's really dorky, but I was excited to get my Usana vitamins yesterday. I'm starting off way lower than the recommended dose because I understand they are pretty powerful. I am even more dorky because I am also excited about new workout clothes that should be delivered today, as well as the body fat calipers. When you get excited about things like calipers, that's how you know you're a grown up.


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 When you get excited about things like calipers, that's how you know you're a grown up.

 

 

That made me laugh! So very true!! :lol:

 

Good Job Buggs! Will be excited to see your plank time!

 

And I don't think that is dorky at all. I got warm fuzzy feelings over socks the other day! lol :tongue:

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I get inordinately excited about getting new workout gear as well. It helps with the motivation. 

 

You're doing a great job Buggalo. 

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Wednesday, August 21st, 2013


 


Goal 1 (min 10,000 steps): 10,000 steps + 316 bonus steps (4.25 miles)


Goal 2 (one veggie snack a day): 4 raw carrots, red pepper


Goal 3 (stretch after workout) Done


 


Grade = A+ for plank PR


 


Today's Workout of the Day (WOD):


2 minutes front plank


2 minutes left side plank


2 minutes right side plank


20 backward lunges w/2.5lbs ankle weights AND 14lb dumbbells. 


20 KBS (medicine ball)


 


Good day in general. Great day for fitness. I actually found stuff to do at work today, including create a program budget and communicate effectively in Spanish (I'm hit and miss with the Puerto Rican accent.) I kept my back from hurting by doing my mini-workouts on the hour for most of the day. I'm awesome in the calorie department today.


 


I got my body fat calipers, and Dom helped me with measurements. The news ain't good, folks. I have 38.4% body fat! So, I've got my work cut out for me. I did learn also that I have a medium sized frame and 106.2 lbs of lean muscle mass. Also that in order to get to the healthy 23% body fat I will need to weigh 138lbs.


 


One day at a time...


 


Then there was the workout awesomeness. I had a fun walk with my husband in which I acknowledged that this is pretty much the best I've ever felt in my life, ever. I MURDERED the planks today, which is something I really needed after the disaster that was my last plank attempt. I held the front plank for 1:47, and was totally kicking myself because IF I HAD KNOWN there was only 13 seconds left on the clock, I totally could have finished. The left side planks were ''meh'' but my right side planks were two sets of 1 minute. So two PRs on the planks. Then there was the weighted lunges, those were no joke. I could barely push myself up by the end. Whew!


 


I also got brand new workout clothes, for the retreat Saturday. They are sooooo comfortable! Good move.


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*note: this post contains what my husband jokingly calls a ''gratuitous Nietzsche reference.'' I get philosophical when I reflect upon my life. So sue me.

 

''Who the hell do you think I am?!"

 

I'm asking myself this question every day lately. I'm getting stronger, in mind as well as body. I was talking to my husband yesterday about the tedious number of things I have to do every day to manage my depression. Between sleep, nutrition, meditation and medication, I've got a constant juggling act going. But the thing is, it's working. This is the first time in my life I've felt any control over my mood. If I start to feel down, I can now point to a thing left undone, and determine to make sure it happens tomorrow. In fact, just this idea, that a bad day doesn't necessarily affect the following day, is completely new to me.

 

It would be great if it didn't require so much hard work just to keep myself on an even keel, but the fact that I have found a way to do it with hard work is a miracle unto itself. I'm not depression-free but I'm getting out of it quicker and bouncing back harder. 

 

My Coach told me the other day when I was whining about my mental health: ''Life is hard. You are hard. I don't see the problem.''

 

Is that true? Am I hard?

 

In ''Twighlight of the Idols, or How to Philosophize with a Hammer,'' Friedrich Nietzsche writes:

 

"Why so hard?" the kitchen coal once said to the diamond. "After all, are we not close kin?"
Why so soft? O my brothers, thus I ask you: are you not after all my brothers?
Why so soft, so pliant and yielding? Why is there so much denial, self-denial, in your hearts? So little destiny in your eyes?
And if you do not want to be destinies and inexorable ones, how can you one day triumph with me?
And if your hardness does not wish to flash and cut through, how can you one day create with me?
For all creators are hard. And it must seem blessedness to you to impress your hand on millennia as on wax.
Blessedness to write on the will of millennia as on bronze — harder than bronze, nobler than bronze. Only the noblest is altogether hard.
This new tablet, O my brothers, I place over you: Become hard!

 

Nietzsche is talking about a very specific kind of hardness. A hardness that doesn't just imply that I am indestructible, but also that I destroy. Destruction doesn't always have to be such a negative thing. You have to destroy to create. You have to make space in your life for whatever new thing you're building. But when you cut, you must be ruthless. As I tackle the brand new challenges in my life, I try to remember this.

 

Everything must go. It's time to wipe the slate clean. To pick up a new tablet of bronze, so-to-speak. I was once a person who preferred to sit on the couch eating bacon cheddar cheeseburgers rather than go outside. Now I can barely stand to sit still. I look in the mirror and I see the vestiges of this person that came before me. Even though my behaviors have changed, I still carry the weight. That's a burden that's holding me back from really seeing myself as the person that I have become.

 

And who is that person I have become? Whoever I want to be in this moment. Yes, I can be a healthy person. Of course I can. I can be the strongest woman in the gym. I can be the fearless fundraiser. I will be whatever is required of me. As Steve Chandler says, ''Be whoever you need to be in that moment.'' I've been thinking of it all along like, you have to achieve goals X Y and Z in order to become this person. But it's actually the other way around. Once you become the person, then you naturally achieve goals X Y and Z because that's who you are. You just have to decide to be that person.

 

So I am a healthy person. I am fit, I am strong, I do not make excuses, I do not indulge in negative thinking, I am not afraid of hard work. Indeed, I welcome it. It doesn't matter who is in the mirror. What matters is who is in my mind.

 

I just figured that out as I was writing this. That's why I journal.

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Love the introspection!

 

''Life is hard. You are hard. I don't see the problem.''

 

Officially plagiarizing that for my sig. if you don't mind. ^_^

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Wow. I came for the Futurama reference, but I stayed for the talk about depression.

 

Powerful stuff in this post. I've struggled with depression as well, and it wasn't until I changed my diet that I really started to notice a difference. I still have other stuff to work on of course, but I was surprised how much it helped. Then, when I started working out, I was surprised how much better that made me feel. It's cool to see someone with similar results.

 

It seems like every new thread I check out has loads of stuff I can relate to. As an introvert myself, relating to people is... challenging. Good luck with the rest of the book, I would absolutely read something like that. I don't know why, but I don't think I really even admitted I was depressed until after I started to feel better. Then I got scared at how dark of a place I'd been in, without realizing or facing it. One of the sayings I've seen thrown around is "depression lies". That seems to go along with your "be who you need to be in the moment" thing, just the other side of the coin. How you think can greatly impact how you feel, and vice versa.

 

Big ups to you for grinding your depression into the dirt with workouts! Your Coach sounds awesome.

 

Keep up the outstanding work!

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It seems like every new thread I check out has loads of stuff I can relate to. As an introvert myself, relating to people is... challenging. Good luck with the rest of the book, I would absolutely read something like that. I don't know why, but I don't think I really even admitted I was depressed until after I started to feel better. Then I got scared at how dark of a place I'd been in, without realizing or facing it. One of the sayings I've seen thrown around is "depression lies". That seems to go along with your "be who you need to be in the moment" thing, just the other side of the coin. How you think can greatly impact how you feel, and vice versa.

 

Big ups to you for grinding your depression into the dirt with workouts! Your Coach sounds awesome.

 

Keep up the outstanding work!

Thanks for your wonderful note! One of the chapters of my book is going to be called ''Depression Lies,'' so I know exactly what you are talking about! I also know about the fear of going back to the darkest place. Right now I'm trying to use that fear to motivate me to work harder.

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Thursday, August 22nd, 2013


 


Goal 1 (min 10,000 steps): 10,000 steps + 322 bonus steps (4.28 miles)


Goal 2 (one veggie snack a day): Red bell pepper


Goal 3 (stretch after workout) Done


 


Grade = 


 


Today's Workout of the Day (WOD):


20 push-ups with added weight (5lbs)


20 Sprinter Sprinter Suitcases (ab move from hell)


20 squats for form


 


I hoofed it on my walk tonight, in part because I was chasing down the sun but also because I wanted a bit of a burn. I even tried to jog a little, which is slightly dangerous because of how fragile my knees have been lately. I had X-rays and the doc said there was no permanent damage, it was just overuse, the result of going from 0 to 60 in such a short time. So I just sprinkled in the jogging, and I iced my knee. We'll see how it holds up. The workout was great though. I definitely had worked up a sweat in the hour or more I was walking.


 


I did okay nutrition-wise, with the possible exception of eating popcorn for dinner. It wasn't processed heavily buttered popcorn or anything, just plain air popped with parmesan cheese. But I did eat popcorn for dinner. That happened. My husband attacked me with socks when he found out, and chased me out the door. This is his way of being supportive of my nutritional goals.


 


I've been missing my breakfast protein pancakes all week, and tomorrow is going to be the first day this week I'll actually have time to make them. Overall, a good day.


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Your husband sounds like he has quite the sense of humor, lol! :playful:

 

Weeeell, beyond having popcorn for dinner, sounds like you had a good day on your goals. Though, you're right, it happens sometimes! :rolleyes:

 

Much awesomeness for tomorrow! :peaceful:

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Well, I'm still alive. I'm not having the most fun time, but I'm slogging through.

 

I walked 9 miles on Friday and then Saturday was the retreat which was all-day fitness. Those two days combined just wore me right out. Plus, I got sunburned. I am allergic to the sun and when I get overexposed it just sucks the energy right out of me.

 

So I came home on Saturday night from the retreat, decided I could eat whatever I want and promptly ate way too much. I spent the rest of the night depressed and pissed off at myself for undoing all that hard work.

 

I still get an A for Saturday though, because I had way more physical activity than usual. Zumba, Insanity, P90X and power yoga.

 

Sunday was very hard, I was absolutely exhausted and depressed. I still felt terrible about overeating the night before. It didn't help that I weighed a pound heavier than usual. I tried really hard to put it in context, it was only one day yadda yadda, but with being physically worn out, I just felt bad. My Coach basically told me to chill out, said he wasn't even disappointed, I'm doing fine and he believes in me, which is nice. I believe in myself too. I knew it was temporary, but that didn't make it any more fun.

 

I managed to get out for a walk but only got in around 6,000 steps. Things went a little better after that. I finally made myself something decent to eat and played video games and watched Game of Thrones with my husband (we finally got around to watching it - 4 episodes watched.) I didn't have the energy for anything else! But I still did my WOD, fortunately it was nice, easy yoga. I wanted to try some yoga classes but they are so expensive.

 

So I get a B for Sunday since I didn't complete my steps.

 

I'm really stressed out right now. This is my last week at my current job and I still have nothing lined up to take its place. I still haven't heard from this prospective employer and honestly it hurts. I am baffled by the non-response, I even sent a follow-up e-mail on Thursday and still nothing. I want to cry.

 

I'm in a better mood today other than the pain of this job situation.

 

I'm working from home tomorrow and Wednesday, which is nice, but it's dangerous for me to be in a situation without structure like that. I'm afraid of what will happen when I have no job and no structure. Last time I was unemployed I became severely depressed. I really don't want that to happen again.

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Hey Buggs,

 

You've got my support. But you're the one that will have to believe in YOURSELF and move forward. And, it sounds like that is exactly what you're doing.

 

Ain't easy I know, here is a quote I find motivates me:

 

Faith

It does not make things easy.

It makes them possible.

 

And, I have faith you will be strong enough and brave enough to handle this. ;)

 

Remember we got your back! :love_heart:

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A is good. I had a very tough week last week as well. Child inside threw some wicked tantrums. Sometimes, she wins.

Your coach hasn't steered you wrong yet.

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Tuesday, August 27th, 2013


 


Goal 1 (min 10,000 steps): 10,000 steps + 2,352 bonus steps (5.08 miles)


Goal 2 (one veggie snack a day): Cucumber w/Balsamic Vinaigrette 


Goal 3 (stretch after workout) Done


 


Grade = 


 


Today's Workout of the Day (WOD):


3 squats


6 supermans


9 wall push-ups


12 overhead claps


15 calf raises


 


30 minutes as many rounds as possible = 15 rounds 


 


Sure, it looks easy but I worked up quite a sweat anyway.


 


I got the official rejection today in the format of a form e-mail. It made everything harder today, knowing I don't have a job after the end of this week. But you know, I rose to the occasion. I took two walks while listening to Radiolab (NPR podcast), I ate nutritiously, I took care of business, you know? Not only that but I broke 171 pounds for the first time today, weighing in at 170.8. This means I'm still losing weight, even after all the drama with the pizza. (I will never apologize for the cheesecake. I regret nothing.)


 


So depression loses today, Christy wins. Time marches on.


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