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[SambieWlks] Chapter the Ninth: Because I Said I Would


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Sambie I've been with you for a long trip and i know you can do this (I know you know it too, deeeeeep down).  You've helped me conquer demons, so you just buzz on my number if you need a little help demon slaying too!!

 

I especially love BISIW!!  What a fantastic idea! 

 

I'm sorry about your family drama, but if you're proud of your reaction then who cares about other peoples' drama!  You're wonderful as you are, and you'll be wonderful still when you're an even better version of you 

:)  Thanks Blaidd, you are such a splendid person!  :)  We shall slay these demons indeed.  I just recently found the BISIW website and seriously I am in love with the whole concept.  It's stupid-simple, but sometimes the simplest things have the most impact.  I tend to clutter things up with grand plans and layers of details, so I think the simplicity of my challenge this time around is a factor in my favor.

 

The rule of halves is such a good idea. I'm shamelessly stealing it.

 

Also, we'll be with you all the way. You can do this 

Haha, steal away!  It's a good mental exercise in my experience.  :)

 

Ha ha, at first I do not know why I thought that the rule of halves worked for every meal. It is a bit hard identify trigger foods - appart from junk food - but I will give it a chance.

Yeah I only use the rule of halves for trigger foods (which I am ultimately working on eliminating anyway).  For me, the main triggers are pizza, pastry/baked treats, sweets, and cheese. 

 

Hang in there, Sambie!

:)  Thanks!!  I am still in it!!

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Day 2

 

 

WTFFFFDdusiy98y%@$&^!#.....

 

As I mentioned in my reply to Loren above, yeah, I totally SCREWED MYSELF last night in the stomachache department.  Yesterday I had a stress stomachache all day; I know what those feel like, I struggle with anxiety so the hypervigilance of my stomach acid is something I'm pretty familiar with.  Anyhoo, at the end of my work day I got a reply email from my dad.  And it was not good.  So I thought, "I'm going to go out and just go window shopping in town, see some people, be friendly, remember that there are nice humans in the world."  So I did that and I was pretty good....I stood for a long time in the cookie/candy aisle of the store I went to and ultimately decided not to get any of the big packages because I knew it would be bad news.  I did cave in a little at the cash register and get three single-wrapped pieces of Halloween candy (the Russel Stover chocolate pumpkins).  Not really a huge deal in and of itself, but I could tell when I finished eating them on the way home that my stomach would have been better off without them.  

 

Then, when I got home, I had the BRILLIANT idea of telling J, "Why don't you go out and get a hamburger pineapple pizza from the corner store for dinner?"

 

Yeah.

 

I'll just let that sink in a minute.

 

...

...

...

 

STUPID STUPID STUPID.  I totally binged on three pieces of it.  It was 100% emotional, and I just didn't care at that point.  My finite willpower was tapped out from just trying not to have a total meltdown about the emails my dad sent to me and J.  It was delish (hamburger pineapple is my favorite after all), but I knew before I took the first bite that as soon as that bite went into my belly, there was going to be hell to pay and no mistake.  I did it anyway.  I took that bite and finished that piece and then ate two more, and contemplated a fourth before reason won out and I came to my senses.  When I went to bed I could feel that my stomach was overfull and very very unhappy with me, and I knew it was only going to get worse as the night went on.  I managed to sleep for a couple hours, but around midnight I couldn't lay down anymore because my stomach was roiling so.  I managed to not have any, uh, explosive issues, but man my stomach was so not happy with me.  The only thing that helped was to doing walking meditation, because standing upright kept the pressure off my belly, and the breathing and slow walking took my focus away from my brain screaming at me "LOOK WHAT YOU DID, I TOLD YOU THIS WOULD HAPPEN!"  Blargh.

 

So, I got maybe 2ish hours of decent sleep last night, and woke up today so exhausted that I had to call out of work.  Thankfully when I woke up the stomachache was mostly gone.  I didn't eat breakfast, just had a big mug of mint tea.  For lunch I had a small smoothie made of plain blueberries, kale from my garden, and a little almond butter for some protein.  That went quite well so then I had a little leftover plain cooked chicken breast, lean only.

 

As a result of this super fun experience, I'm modifying my diet plan for the next couple of months to remove all sugar and all bad fats (so no pizza, no fried stuff, no pastry, etc....the rule of halves will not be an option for these for awhile).  Gotta get back into taking my supplements every day, eating a lot more good veggies, gotta stop drinking milk, living on cheese/bread, and riding the sugar roller coaster.  I gotta do it, for my stomach's sake.  BISIW.

 

Upside: I did floss and rinse last night.  And my copies of "Toxic Parents" and "If You Had Controlling Parents" (recommended by a friend of mine who is going through very similar stuff right now) have shipped from CA and should be here soon.  WOOT.   :)

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Sambie I am sorry you are having such a rough time with family.  I feel like family is the best at tearing people up.  :(

 

I love how you wrote out your vicious cycle that you find yourself stuck in at times.  They are so difficult and it is good to be aware, to remember.  And I love that you also wrote a reminder of the good cycle.

 

I hope you feel better soon, despite your life bumps you are off to a good start.  

Pixie Warrior 

I aim to misbehave

 

My NF Character, My Current Challenge

 

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Wow, what a bit of drama to go through right out of the gate, but I know you can rally .

It really sucks that your family can't accept your faith. They should understand that they aren't going to catch "demon cooties" just by being around you.

I have similar digestion issues, save for being able to have milk. Is there a food that is safe to use as a comfort?

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Well, religion divides people. Always. You have the advantage that your religion has nothing against Christianity. The problem is theirs, they should accept Buddhism as a 'religion' just that Christianity is for them. I think of Buddhism in terms of ethics or philosophy, instead of religion. Maybe it could help your family understanding you.

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5 STR | 3 DEX | 5 STA | 4 CON | 2 WIS | 3 CHA

 

 

 

Current challenge: keep it simple

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Last challenges: ΜΟΛΩΠΛΑΒΕ | prepare to a half-marathon

 

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But guess what? There are 40 days left in this challenge. You are going to start feeling better soon and all of this will be behind you. Sucks you didn't get sleep and stuff. I know how it feels. Feel better soon and I'm still praying!

:)  Thanks, Loren.  

 

Sambie I am sorry you are having such a rough time with family.  I feel like family is the best at tearing people up.   :(

 

I love how you wrote out your vicious cycle that you find yourself stuck in at times.  They are so difficult and it is good to be aware, to remember.  And I love that you also wrote a reminder of the good cycle.

 

I hope you feel better soon, despite your life bumps you are off to a good start.  

Thanks for the encouragement.  :)  I am finding writing in general to be a major help.  In addition to writing out the things I observe about my mood, like the vicious cycle, I am also writing out what I eat daily, and both mental and physical reactions.  Not counting calories or anything, just writing something like "12:30p - plain lo-sodium veg broth with plain chicken, rice noodles, + 1 enzyme capsule: no reaction."  It's helping me see all the factors, such as time of day, hydration, food type, whether or not I take my enzyme capsule with the meal, etc.

 

Wow, what a bit of drama to go through right out of the gate, but I know you can rally . It really sucks that your family can't accept your faith. They should understand that they aren't going to catch "demon cooties" just by being around you. I have similar digestion issues, save for being able to have milk. Is there a food that is safe to use as a comfort? Sent from my GT-N8013 using Tapatalk HD

Thanks Gob.  :)  It has been very difficult.  It is only recently that I have come to understand that my upbringing, which was completely fundamentalist and isolated from the world, was emotionally and physically abusive, and that has been feeding the roots of my binge-relationship with food, my anxiety/depression, and my stunted social skills.  My parents have not been able to see that there are other ways of thinking; they cannot accept even other forms of Christianity.  We were kept away from other Christians as children, because anybody who wasn't Independent Fundamental Baptist was "too worldly."  How much more difficult (impossible?) is it for them to see that it is possible to think outside of Christianity.  I was raised in it; I get it.  I don't begrudge them their faith; I have absolutely no desire to convert them.  They are happy and they have peace with their spirituality; I just wish they could let me have mine.

 

The reaction email from my dad was one sentence; one sentence wherein he implied that his love is conditional, and that he will not accept who I am.  One sentence that made it clear that once again I have disappointed him and he is withholding the expression of his love as a consequence.  One sentence that totally shut the door on talking about it.  I'm not surprised; like I said, I was raised in it, I get it; the very bedrock of his faith precludes the idea that any other faith can have merit.  But I guess I just keep hoping that we've evolved enough in the last 20 years as a culture that even my parents will have been affected, and will maybe be a tiny bit more open-minded.  As it stands, I have decided not to reply, and I am giving myself some space from my parents.  I don't have the energy to keep talking to statues, and I'm not going to throw myself into trying to beat down the door he has so effectively closed.  It's just too painful right now.

 

I have a good friend who also came out of the IFB homeschool tradition of the 90s and he is going through the same sort of growing pains; talking with him has been hugely supportive.  My youngest brother and his wife are also hugely supportive.  They still identify as Christians but they are (what I consider to be) the best kind of Christians: nonjudgmental, taking Jesus's words about love to heart, working on just being kind and good people, and finding the beauty in the fact that everyone is different, thinks differently, loves differently, etc.  My brother and I are able to talk now about his experiences with the homeschooling; I was in college when he hit high school so I was gone for most of his teen years, but apparently he had it even worse than I did.  :(

 

I will try not to turn my thread into a personal therapy session to dump on you guys.  I just wanted you to have a little glimpse of the background; this is a major part of my life right now and I am definitely working on wading through it.  Trying to take intentional and positive steps so I can grow from this instead of getting pulled under by it.  How I work with this is totally going to affect what I am able to do with my diet and exercise.

 

Also, I know there are quite a few Christians among my NF friends.  :)  Just want to make sure I have clearly expressed that I find an enormous amount of value in Christian teachings, especially the Gospels, about the life of Christ.  I still feel a very strong connection to the idea of Jesus, especially as portrayed in Jesus Christ Superstar.  Given how deeply immersed I was in an extreme form of Christianity for so many years, it makes sense that even now I would retain some connection to it.  I think Christianity has a lot to offer and I fully respect all the awesome, loving, kind Christians I know.  Y'all are good representations of your faith and we have more in common than not with our values.  There are fundamentalist Buddhists out there too; every faith has them.  So, I'm not finding fault with Christianity.  Just want to make sure I say that once.  :)

 

back to Gob's comment, I am honestly not sure if there is any food safe to use as comfort.  I am trying to use nonfood things as comfort, like walking around downtown (which has always made me feel good), or sitting on my deck and watching the birds.  I'm trying to find comfort in activities and behaviors instead of in food.  I think maybe tea could be a good comfort edible, but beyond that I think it is too risky right now.

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I am super sorry to hear that your parents feel that way - or your dad at least.  Their closemindedness is going to lose them years and years of knowing the wonderful person you are and sharing in the love you have for them and the world. 

 

Unfortunately just like extremists in all faiths/religions they're in a minority and unfortunately if you're having a negative experience with them, they make you view their chosen faith/religion in a bad light.  It warms my heart to see that despite being brought up in a household like that you know the majority of practicing Christians that you know, are just as loving and non-judgemental and caring as practicing Buddhists (and Jews and Muslims and Hindis etc).  That is a huge testament to the kind of person that you are - YOU ARE WONDERFUL!!!!

 

As a faithful Christian, i can honestly say i couldn't care what religion you are or your sexuality or anything, cos that is not what defined you when i got to know you! And it breaks my heart that your parents are using this one thing to define the woman they've know your whole life!

 

As for your relationship with food, it's going to take time to work through, but i love that you're trying to use other methods to comfort yourself :) My favourite method has become window shopping on ebay (or the South African version - Bid or Buy).  I occasionally buy something (mostly baking equipment or props for my food shots), but mostly it's just a little escapism.  Oh and i'm also learning a new skill too - taking foodie photo's :)

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I understand you a lot. I never have had problems with my family because of my religion, but I'm homosexual and you can imagine that I've been received sometimes one line as an answer with the power of depressing me during a month. Don't let it happens. I'm sure that the love of your parents is unconditional, even if they say a different thing - they say that because they are angry, and I suppose they are angry because you don't believe in the same God that they do, which they think is the best, which means they want the best for you, too. Maybe it's a weird way to see the things, but I think it's the only one which lets you continue with your life without being constantly sad for not being accepted as you are.

 

The most important is that you are trying to find different ways - apart from food - to fight with these feelings. Keep this in mind.

Human: Ranger

5 STR | 3 DEX | 5 STA | 4 CON | 2 WIS | 3 CHA

 

 

 

Current challenge: keep it simple

battle log | epic quest

Last challenges: ΜΟΛΩΠΛΑΒΕ | prepare to a half-marathon

 

MEMENTO MORI

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I am super sorry to hear that your parents feel that way - or your dad at least.  Their closemindedness is going to lose them years and years of knowing the wonderful person you are and sharing in the love you have for them and the world. 

 

Unfortunately just like extremists in all faiths/religions they're in a minority and unfortunately if you're having a negative experience with them, they make you view their chosen faith/religion in a bad light.  It warms my heart to see that despite being brought up in a household like that you know the majority of practicing Christians that you know, are just as loving and non-judgemental and caring as practicing Buddhists (and Jews and Muslims and Hindis etc).  That is a huge testament to the kind of person that you are - YOU ARE WONDERFUL!!!!

 

As a faithful Christian, i can honestly say i couldn't care what religion you are or your sexuality or anything, cos that is not what defined you when i got to know you! And it breaks my heart that your parents are using this one thing to define the woman they've know your whole life!

 

As for your relationship with food, it's going to take time to work through, but i love that you're trying to use other methods to comfort yourself :) My favourite method has become window shopping on ebay (or the South African version - Bid or Buy).  I occasionally buy something (mostly baking equipment or props for my food shots), but mostly it's just a little escapism.  Oh and i'm also learning a new skill too - taking foodie photo's :)

I had a lot of things I wanted to say, but honestly Blaidd hit it all. I could not have said it better.

 

There are lots of Christians and non-Christians here who love and accept you as you are because we love you. We're all Rebels in different ways. 

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I'm sorry this first challenge week has been such a rough one.  As much as you can get support and love from those around you who care about you, take it.  Know that we rebels are supporting you too.  Your goals are solid, do what you can, and things will start to turn around, at least in the challenge area.  I hope things get better with your family too if they can.  

~Miranda (aka Farax K)

 

Stars hide your fires for these here are my desires
And I won't give them up to you this time around
And so I'll be found with my stake stuck in the ground
Marking the territory of this newly impassioned soul ~ Mumford and Sons

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Hold fast, Sambie. You will get through this, even though it is terrible right now. A hamburger pineapple pizza got you through the short term and sometimes that's just the best you can do, even if you know it'll give you a tummy ache! You'll be stronger the next time.

 

For me, meditating on impermanence really helps when things are emotionally rough. And, if it's so bad that I can't hold my mind still enough for that, I'll find a nice spot to just watch clouds, with or without some soothing music in my ears. And if that doesn't work... Well, I'll chuck all the spiritual solutions and just crank up the tunes and tackle some household cleaning or a project I've been putting off!

All men dream, but not equally. Those who dream by night in the dusty recesses of their minds, wake in the day to find that it was vanity:

but the dreamers of the day are dangerous men, for they may act on their dreams with open eyes, to make them possible.

~T. E. Lawrence

 

When we contemplate the whole globe as one great dewdrop, striped and dotted with continents and islands,

flying through space with other stars all singing and shining together as one, the whole universe appears as an infinite storm of beauty. 
~John Muir

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Everyone already said everything I wanted to so I just wanted to let you know that you can always rely on us for support, even if we are miles away. You are wonderful human being. Changing the relationship with food will take time and a lot of effort but you'll get there. 

 

It's so weird when you think about it - parents are only two people in the world and they can still influence our moods so much, even when we 'grow up'. I don't have such serious problems with my family but I've been a constant disappointment to my mum with everything I do and it still shapes the way I am. Oh well. 

 

Hope you're doing better :) we're here for you.

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*hugs* 

:)  

 

I am super sorry to hear that your parents feel that way - or your dad at least.  Their closemindedness is going to lose them years and years of knowing the wonderful person you are and sharing in the love you have for them and the world. 

 

Unfortunately just like extremists in all faiths/religions they're in a minority and unfortunately if you're having a negative experience with them, they make you view their chosen faith/religion in a bad light.  It warms my heart to see that despite being brought up in a household like that you know the majority of practicing Christians that you know, are just as loving and non-judgemental and caring as practicing Buddhists (and Jews and Muslims and Hindis etc).  That is a huge testament to the kind of person that you are - YOU ARE WONDERFUL!!!!

 

As a faithful Christian, i can honestly say i couldn't care what religion you are or your sexuality or anything, cos that is not what defined you when i got to know you! And it breaks my heart that your parents are using this one thing to define the woman they've know your whole life!

 

As for your relationship with food, it's going to take time to work through, but i love that you're trying to use other methods to comfort yourself :) My favourite method has become window shopping on ebay (or the South African version - Bid or Buy).  I occasionally buy something (mostly baking equipment or props for my food shots), but mostly it's just a little escapism.  Oh and i'm also learning a new skill too - taking foodie photo's :)

Thank you.  :)

 

+ 100000000000

:D

 

I understand you a lot. I never have had problems with my family because of my religion, but I'm homosexual and you can imagine that I've been received sometimes one line as an answer with the power of depressing me during a month. Don't let it happens. I'm sure that the love of your parents is unconditional, even if they say a different thing - they say that because they are angry, and I suppose they are angry because you don't believe in the same God that they do, which they think is the best, which means they want the best for you, too. Maybe it's a weird way to see the things, but I think it's the only one which lets you continue with your life without being constantly sad for not being accepted as you are.

 

The most important is that you are trying to find different ways - apart from food - to fight with these feelings. Keep this in mind.

YES. Thank you for your kind words.  :)

 

I had a lot of things I wanted to say, but honestly Blaidd hit it all. I could not have said it better.

 

There are lots of Christians and non-Christians here who love and accept you as you are because we love you. We're all Rebels in different ways. 

Thanks Loren.  :)

 

I'm sorry this first challenge week has been such a rough one.  As much as you can get support and love from those around you who care about you, take it.  Know that we rebels are supporting you too.  Your goals are solid, do what you can, and things will start to turn around, at least in the challenge area.  I hope things get better with your family too if they can.  

Thanks.  We'll see what happens next in the fam dept I guess.  :)

 

Hold fast, Sambie. You will get through this, even though it is terrible right now. A hamburger pineapple pizza got you through the short term and sometimes that's just the best you can do, even if you know it'll give you a tummy ache! You'll be stronger the next time.

 

For me, meditating on impermanence really helps when things are emotionally rough. And, if it's so bad that I can't hold my mind still enough for that, I'll find a nice spot to just watch clouds, with or without some soothing music in my ears. And if that doesn't work... Well, I'll chuck all the spiritual solutions and just crank up the tunes and tackle some household cleaning or a project I've been putting off!

Thank you.  I have spent a lot of time outside, just thinking about how big the universe is.  That helps me a lot.  Puts my problems into perspective and also makes me feel like I'm part of something much bigger than myself.

 

Everyone already said everything I wanted to so I just wanted to let you know that you can always rely on us for support, even if we are miles away. You are wonderful human being. Changing the relationship with food will take time and a lot of effort but you'll get there. 

 

It's so weird when you think about it - parents are only two people in the world and they can still influence our moods so much, even when we 'grow up'. I don't have such serious problems with my family but I've been a constant disappointment to my mum with everything I do and it still shapes the way I am. Oh well. 

 

Hope you're doing better :) we're here for you.

Thanks for your encouragement.  :)  It has definitely been weird; nothing can make me feel like I'm 8 years old again like fearing the disapproval of my parents.  I think that is just normal psychological development, part of figuring out how to be an adult.

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Week 1 Update: 

9873056953_2de5ff0eb7_c.jpg
 
1 - Dance class 1x/wk - DONE 1/1
2 - Yoga 1x/wk - DONE 1/1
3 - Floss/rinse nightly - DONE 7/7
LQ - Update NF 1x/wk - DONE
SQ - 2 books: “This Is How†and “Toxic Parents  - NOT STARTED  (Ordered on Amazon.)
 
top-secret-icon.jpg 
Secret Squirrel Mission 1 - DONE 1/1
Secret Squirrel Mission 2 - DONE 3/3

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Great progress for your first week!  

Thanks!  :)

 

hey sambie. thanks for kicking me in the butt and getting me back on the boards. 

:)  always glad to help.  Also, for the past two days my yard has been a buffet (apparently) for a flock of 20-30 flickers, which made me think of you and your awesomesauce tattoo.

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Oh man, I'm jealous of the pretty colored calendar...way better than my blah, half-done spreadsheets. Nerdtivation.

 

How was belly dance?

All men dream, but not equally. Those who dream by night in the dusty recesses of their minds, wake in the day to find that it was vanity:

but the dreamers of the day are dangerous men, for they may act on their dreams with open eyes, to make them possible.

~T. E. Lawrence

 

When we contemplate the whole globe as one great dewdrop, striped and dotted with continents and islands,

flying through space with other stars all singing and shining together as one, the whole universe appears as an infinite storm of beauty. 
~John Muir

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Awesome job sticking to your goals!!!

Thanks Loren!  :)  I am working hard!!

 

Remember, no power in the 'verse can stop you! :)

 

Really great first week too.

:)  Thanks!!

 

Oh man, I'm jealous of the pretty colored calendar...way better than my blah, half-done spreadsheets. Nerdtivation.

 

How was belly dance?

:)  Yeah the calendar is working really nicely for me this time around.

 

Belly dance was BOMB YO.  I am in love.  For once, having a bit of junk in the ol' trunk is a good thing, because the more you got, the more you can make your coin belt jingle when you shimmy.  ;)  I love it, and the teacher is super into body-acceptance, anxiety-reduction, women-supporting-women (instead of being competitive or catty), and the whole atmosphere was fun, laid back, yet also athletic.  I am so happy I summoned my 20 seconds of courage and signed up.  Also, we get to play dress-up each class, out of the teacher's big box of bellydance gear, and I so love sparkly things.  :)

 

The calendar has been made with Google Calendar, I think. You can do it, too!

YES you are correct, daggart!  :)  I just use my Google Calendar to log when I do stuff for the challenge.  I used Excel spreadsheets for awhile but they started feeling too much like work since I use Excel all day long at my job.  

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