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[SambieWlks] Chapter the Ninth: Because I Said I Would


Thilde

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Belly dance was BOMB YO.  I am in love.  For once, having a bit of junk in the ol' trunk is a good thing, because the more you got, the more you can make your coin belt jingle when you shimmy.   ;)  I love it, and the teacher is super into body-acceptance, anxiety-reduction, women-supporting-women (instead of being competitive or catty), and the whole atmosphere was fun, laid back, yet also athletic.  I am so happy I summoned my 20 seconds of courage and signed up.  Also, we get to play dress-up each class, out of the teacher's big box of bellydance gear, and I so love sparkly things.   :)

 

Major love! <3  So glad you are enjoying it, it sounds awesome.

Pixie Warrior 

I aim to misbehave

 

My NF Character, My Current Challenge

 

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Awww..  I love that you're loving belly dance.  Your teacher sounds awesome :)

Half Faerie (Sidhe) Scout | Black Belt Kitchen Ninja
"A positive attitude will not solve all your problems, but it will annoy enough people to make it worth the effort" - Herm Albright
You're welcome to skype me (audriwolf) too but let me know who you are

My challenge

 

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Belly dance was BOMB YO.  I am in love.  For once, having a bit of junk in the ol' trunk is a good thing, because the more you got, the more you can make your coin belt jingle when you shimmy.   ;)  I love it, and the teacher is super into body-acceptance, anxiety-reduction, women-supporting-women (instead of being competitive or catty), and the whole atmosphere was fun, laid back, yet also athletic.  I am so happy I summoned my 20 seconds of courage and signed up.  Also, we get to play dress-up each class, out of the teacher's big box of bellydance gear, and I so love sparkly things.   :)

 

So jealous of the belly dance class.  I need to put that on my list as soon as I have time.

I have conditions that affect my social awareness.  If I am rude, tell me what I could do better.

5'8" & 220 260 pounds | Miles Walked: X

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That Google calendar thing is really cool.  I might have to adopt that strategy.

 

Great job with belly dancing.  I did it for a while back in the day, and yeah, nothing funner than shaking those hips.

 

How'd your second week go?  

~Miranda (aka Farax K)

 

Stars hide your fires for these here are my desires
And I won't give them up to you this time around
And so I'll be found with my stake stuck in the ground
Marking the territory of this newly impassioned soul ~ Mumford and Sons

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Week 2 Update: 

10017685124_9220f1a5dc_c.jpg
 
Goals:

1 - Dance class 1x/wk - DONE 1/1  (Tally to date: 2/2)
2 - Yoga 1x/wk - DONE 1/1  (Tally to date: 2/2)
3 - Floss/rinse nightly - DONE 7/7  (Tally to date: 14/14)
LQ - Update NF 1x/wk - DONE  (Tally to date: many/2)
SQ - 2 books: Books 1 and 2 arrived.  Book 1 - Intro and 5 chapters read.
 
top-secret-icon.jpg 
Secret Squirrel Mission 1 - DONE 1/1 (Tally to date: 2/2)
Secret Squirrel Mission 2 - DONE 7/7 (Tally to date: 10/10)

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Major love! <3  So glad you are enjoying it, it sounds awesome.

:)  Thanks!  It is a lot of fun.

 

Awww..  I love that you're loving belly dance.  Your teacher sounds awesome :)

She is.  She's quite a hippie but I live in a hippie down and I dig that.

 

So jealous of the belly dance class.  I need to put that on my list as soon as I have time.

Yessss you should, it is awesome!  I signed up for mine through the local adult ed program in town.  Not sure if you are in the US or not; most counties have an adult ed program with "personal enrichment" courses in spring and fall; you might find some beginner dance classes there.  :)

 

Woo I love all those sparkly bellydancing things :) great to see you enjoyed it!

Me too!  She has a lot of tie-dye stuff too.  And there is a lady associated with the studio who hand-dyes and sews 100% silk veils, which are props you dance with.  I am planning to take in a photo of my beloved purple morning glories and ask if she can make one for me with those colors.  Dark purple is my totem color.

 

That Google calendar thing is really cool.  I might have to adopt that strategy.

 

Great job with belly dancing.  I did it for a while back in the day, and yeah, nothing funner than shaking those hips.

 

How'd your second week go?  

yeah i have to say using Google Calendar has been way more reinforcing this challenge than my previous Excel tracking attempts.  I think it's because it's my actual calendar, that I see several times a day....getting to enter in those completed tasks is a visual reinforcer, and I get invested in wanting to "keep the streak."  :)  Second week was very good, ready to run headlong into week 3!

 

hope your weekend was swell and booty-shaking-rific. <3

it was, friend.  IT WAS.  :)  <3  

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Warm fuzzy update - Week 2

 

So, each week I'm going to post a just-the-numbers update (the one with the Google Calendar screenshot) for easy skimming...I know how hard it is to stay up on everyone's threads, so that way y'all can see how I am doing even if you don't have time to read all the posts.  I am also linking these updates on my first post in this thread, for easy access.  I am pretty sure I stole this idea from Loren Wade.   :)

 

I am also going to post a weekly warm fuzzies update, which is all the sloppy feelings stuff associated with my challenge and life in general.  Feel free to pass this over if gooey feels aren't you're thing.   :)

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So, Week 2.  I am very happy/relieved to say that I am finally starting to feel more like myself again after all the stuff went down with my fam 2+ weeks ago.  I have had very little communication with them.  My mom sent me one email this past Thurs; she attempted to use her primary coping skills, which is to completely ignore any Big Things that have happened and talk about completely superficial stuff.  The email was about the food she ate that day (dead serious).  Usually I play along because I used to be really afraid of her anger and/or rejection.  But, I spent the last two weeks suffering intensely at the hand of those very same feelings and now there's not really much more hurt I can feel.  So I didn't play along; I was nice, and kind, because above all I want to be a kind person, but I also made sure to shine a light back on what had transpired.  I thought that perhaps that email is the only way she knows how to reach out; perhaps she doesn't know how to open the door to a frank discussion between us.  With that in mind, I thought maybe I should let them know that the door is open, that I'm not angrily trying to keep them out.  I basically said that I won't keep rehashing it, but that I felt like I should say once that if they want to talk about it, ask questions, yell at me, tell me they're hurt/sad/confused/angry, they can do that and I will welcome to dialogue.  They're allowed to express their feelings, which is something my family has always struggled to do.  I grew up believing that feelings are bad; either you're happy or you squash any other feelings and pretend you're happy.  I said in my reply to my mom that if they don't feel comfortable doing that, or they don't have any desire to, that's fine too.  I just wanted to make sure that I made it clear that if the family does not ever talk about this again, it's not going to be because I closed the door or I didn't make the effort.  I wanted them to know the door is wide open, and they have nothing to fear from me.   Then I said that I would not bring this up again because I don't want to be that obnoxious family member who never shuts up, and that the ball is in their court now; they can discuss or not discuss, as best fits their comfort level.  That was Thursday; I have not heard back yet.  I expect that my mom is upset that I didn't just comply with the "we're not talking about this, let's talk about the food we had for breakfast today instead" strategy.  It hurts me to think she might be hurting, but I can't take on the responsibility for all my parents' feelings, and I also can't go on pretending that everything is the same as it was before.  As J told me last week, "this is the new normal."

 

My stomach has been a bit better this week but I have somehow managed to hang on to a newfound respect for the power of food.  It's like respecting fire, or an electric fence.  It's there, and it has its uses, but it also has enough power to be dangerous if not approached carefully.  My current eating pattern has been to skip breakfast, eat brekkie/lunch at 11am, and then eat dinner at 5pm.  My caloric intake is still where it should be, but having that longer span of time between last night's dinner and my first meal of the day seems to work for me for now.  I typically have a cup of tea/coffee (black) or 8oz of homemade bone broth in the morning, and that gets me through until 11am.  At 11am I usually have leftovers (usually meat/veg) or a big salad.  At 5pm we have dinner which I try to make as protein/veg heavy as possible, and light on the carby carbs.  I am eating whole, homemade foods and I am being careful to make sure I am not basing my meals on piles of carby carbs like pasta or bread.  Dairy is almost eliminated; occasionally I might have a spoon of greek yogurt or sour cream on a taco salad or some bleu cheese crumblies on a lunch salad, but that's it; no milk, that stuff messes up my stomach bigtime.  I also have almost completely eliminated added sugar.  I eat some fresh fruit, and I occasionally will have a tsp or so of jam on a piece of toast, but that's it.  No sugar in my tea/coffee, and most importantly, zero sweet treats like cookies, chocolate, or ice cream.  That stuff is a damn forest fire waiting to happen for me.  The one thing I need to do more of with my diet is eat veggies.  I struggle with veggies a lot, but I am working on it.  I try to eat three servings of veggies daily.  One thing I have learned in the past couple weeks is that my body needs probably only 1/3 or 1/2 of what I have been eating on a daily basis.  This is why I gained back so much weight since November - because I have been eating enough for two or even three of me depending on the day, especially in the form of sugary stuff which packs soooo many calories (and few nutrients) in only a few bites (and I was eating more than a few bites).  Two meals is working better than three for me because it lets my brain essentially forget about food for awhile.  I have found that the more often I eat, the more often I think about eating, and the more I end up eating overall in a day.  It makes me think of my Saint Bernard Bernie.  When I merely pick up her empty food bowl in front of her, she immediately starts salivating; like 2-foot strings of saliva start dribbling out of her mouth.  She is a slobber beast.  If I give her a treat (she has been getting hot dog bits morning and night with her antibiotics), that salivation turns into an actual flow, like a LOT of drool.  It's incredible how much drool she produces just after eating one half-inch piece of hot dog.  Something in her brain is getting triggered, first with the visual of her food dish, and then with the taste sensations of the treat.  After that happens, she will walk over to the feeding area and nose around looking for food, and if there isn't any over there, she'll start barking at me.  It's like she's saying, "Look, my salivary sequence has started, now give me some food so I can fulfill my innate digestive goals here!"  She doesn't know what to do when there's no food available on these occasions.  I feel like it's the same with me, minus the drool (usually ;) ).  The more my brain is triggered about food and treats, the more my instincts want to take over.  My instincts so far have been to eat as much food as fast as possible, and then do it again 2 or 3 hours later, all the livelong day.  If I omit some of the triggers throughout the day, my brain doesn't start that digestive sequence and I can go through more of my day without thinking about food or eating.  And, I think this also makes the neural pathways associated with mindful eating and choosing good foods (over sweets) stronger, so that the next time I do eat, I can eat what I need and then stop, without psychological duress.  I dunno; I'm not a neuroscientist, but this theory makes sense to me.

 

My books finally arrived.  I started reading "If You Had Controlling Parents" by Dan Neuharth this weekend.  Validation, validation, validation.  I was worried that reading these books would send me back into a bitter or rage-ful place (which is scary for me, again, because I was raised not to feel anything but calm and happy), but the opposite has happened.  With each chapter so far I have felt like my chest cavity can expand and I can breathe better.  Everybody's childhood was messed up; this is how mine was messed up; yes it was abnormal and weird; yes it left me with some holes in my development; and, no, I'm not bad or weird or crazy for having strong feelings of disappointment and hurt about how stuff went down when I was growing up.  So far, it's been about how I can put the past into a perspective that allows me to move forward as a human, and not about rolling around in a pit of "how could you do this to me?!" toward my parents.  Their stuff is their stuff and it came from their own experiences and backgrounds; I can't change that and it's not so black-and-white that I can indulge in pure white-hot righteous indignation toward them.  It's never that simple.  What I'm learning, ever so slowly, is how to carry my honest feelings about my childhood in one hand while carrying an honest understanding of where my parents and their behavior came from in my other hand.....and hold on to neither one too tightly.

 

Here's to week 3.  This is my 9th challenge with NF, and I have consistently found that week 3, especially toward the end, is where it gets REAL.  Life finally shoves its way in after we've been so good at being on top of things for two weeks, and stuff can go all cattywampus.  Onward!

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Hmm let us know what you think about the book once you finish it, I started to think I might want to read it too.

 

Purple is my favourite colour! If you get anything made, upload a photo here please!

 

I agree about the eating thing. I remember I used to eat way more often than I do now. I eat three times a day now but I'm thinking about doing it twice like you. It's the same thing for me - the more often I eat, the more I eat in general. And if you know that you only have a few meals per day, you stop thinking about it.

 

Good job in week 2 :) keep it rolling.

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YAY For feeling good.

also, i wonder if belly dancing would help my hips work right when i'm oly lifting. hmmm.

"Come with me if you want to lift" -The Brominator

"Later, I would learn that coincidences are the most planned things in the world. Later, I would learn that every single moment is a coincidence." - Douglas Coupland

"Anyone who doesn't want french fries every day is a commie." - AngelaTheGeek

Current Challenge

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Great week, Sambie! Glad to hear that you are feeling better about your folks and getting perspective on your childhood. It really does get better, and you are being very wise and measured in your approach!

 

I'm a little late to the bellydance party, but happy to hear you had such a good time. Sounds like a great class and a fun teacher!

All men dream, but not equally. Those who dream by night in the dusty recesses of their minds, wake in the day to find that it was vanity:

but the dreamers of the day are dangerous men, for they may act on their dreams with open eyes, to make them possible.

~T. E. Lawrence

 

When we contemplate the whole globe as one great dewdrop, striped and dotted with continents and islands,

flying through space with other stars all singing and shining together as one, the whole universe appears as an infinite storm of beauty. 
~John Muir

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Sambie, that's all great news - i especially liked the 1st paragraph of the touchy feely stuff about your mom and your family.  You are such a strong individual and i sincerely hope that your parents realise that if they don't work through *their* issues, they would be missing out on the life of someone sooooo awesome!!

 

I didn't have a controlling upbringing (quite the opposite) and i find all i want to do is control everything around me (funny how that it is).  But since joining NF over a year ago, i've learnt that the only thing you can control is yourself and your reaction to things.  I love that you have the same mindset!  You're going to do sooooo well in this challenge and i love reading your updates.  Keep it going hun, we're rooting for you!

Half Faerie (Sidhe) Scout | Black Belt Kitchen Ninja
"A positive attitude will not solve all your problems, but it will annoy enough people to make it worth the effort" - Herm Albright
You're welcome to skype me (audriwolf) too but let me know who you are

My challenge

 

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To keep this short, new developments have arisen, and basically I think I am estranged from my parents and my middle brother now.  

 

I got more emails from my family on Monday morning, and again on Monday evening.  I tried again to respond as sensitively as I could; I labored for 4 hours on my response.  I tried to focus on points of common ground, and I tried to honor my dad's original intent by attempting to show appreciation for various aspects of my parents' faith and my family in general.  I tried to open the door for more communication about this whole thing, and the result was that my mom completely ignored my email to her, my IFB pastor brother sent me a scathing email of judgements and told me his mission now is to convert me "back to the faith," and my dad sent a transparently-veiled manipulative email directed at me (but of course never actually naming me or being direct) to the whole family.  Each of them blatantly said they they were not willing to continue this discussion.  It was a slamming of the door.  J and I have decided that at this time it is best for me to not respond anymore.  It hurts me too much to keep trying to break down a door someone is holding closed from the inside.  I need some distance.  I need some time to re-construct my sense of self.  Maybe they do too.

 

This hurts me immensely.  I have slept no more than 3-4 hours every night this week.  My stomach has been constantly in turmoil, and I am drinking many mugs of homemade chicken broth because most other food causes stomach problems.  My eyes have been burning for days and I feel like my brain is processing information at a snail's pace.  I had a headache so bad last night that I just laid in bed and J wrapped his big Navy-guy hands around my skull and squeezed to give me a brief respite from the pain.  It's not that I am surprised at their rejection; I knew there was a 99.99% chance they'd react this way, but I had been hanging onto that .01% chance that they might be more open-minded.  I tried to craft my behavior in this three-week-long excursion to hell in every way to maximize that .01% chance as best I could.  It hurts to have that hope snuffed out.  There's really nothing else I can do.  The only win in this is that they truly know who I am now.  At least there's that.  I don't have to hide anymore.

 

Wow this feels like a huge downer post.  I'm sorry guys.  This is, without a doubt, the hardest thing I've ever faced.  It's not the surface act of displeasing my parents that's hard....it's the underlying effects on how I think about myself, and how I see myself in the world, and what historical connections I have for my idea of myself, my relationships, my future.  It's just a big old mess.  I'm trying to keep busy and engaged with life, but there's a distinct feeling of once-I-was-anchored-but-now-I'm-not.  I keep looking behind myself to see what's come loose.

 

I am still working steadily on my challenge.  Will post the formal weekly update on Sunday as per usual.

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Hang in there, Sambie! It's such an awful feeling when that little shred of hope vanishes, but you said a couple things in your post that I think are really important to acknowledge and hold onto. First and foremost, you have done everything you could to be honest, open and respectful with them. You lived your beliefs and your love for them. No matter how things go from here on out, you can rest assured that you did the right thing, the right way.

 

Also very important, you are being honest with yourself about your feelings, clear about your boundaries, and smart enough to realize that you need to take care of yourself. Keep that up and let your support network help you when that gets tough. We'll listen. We care, and while we can't take the place of family, a lot of us have been through similar things with our families and can help you sort out how to navigate the changed, and changing, relationships.

 

It is hard, no doubt about it. Yet, over time, you can turn even something like this into wisdom and strength. (Though you seem to have a lot of that already!) That feeling of being anchored, which is a comfort, may also keep you from exploring the uncharted waters that lie outside the harbor, where even greater happiness may reside. Life is forcing you to lift anchor, painful as that is. Be patient, be good to yourself and J, and see where this journey goes...none of us can predict the time or way that people can grow and change and have their hearts open up, even when they seem so hardened now.

 

Good for you that you are sticking with your challenge, despite the family woes!

All men dream, but not equally. Those who dream by night in the dusty recesses of their minds, wake in the day to find that it was vanity:

but the dreamers of the day are dangerous men, for they may act on their dreams with open eyes, to make them possible.

~T. E. Lawrence

 

When we contemplate the whole globe as one great dewdrop, striped and dotted with continents and islands,

flying through space with other stars all singing and shining together as one, the whole universe appears as an infinite storm of beauty. 
~John Muir

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Lt Laurel has said everything I wanted to say, but in want add more.

Your family blatantly saying that they refuse to discuss this anymore might feel like a door closed on you, but it's also closed on your dad. They won't entertain his ideas either. Your brother is a jackass and a disgrace to the faith he teaches. If he was my pastor I'd be highly upset by his behavior and change churches instantly. I could name a bajillion verse in the bible about not judging people but the one that comes to mind is "let he who is without sin cast the first stone".

Losing your in family in this way is not nice, but given time they will see you are no different than who you used to be and they will begin accepting you. In the meantime, its time for you to begin healing yourself. Time for you to begin changing your view of yourself, your place in the world and your relationships. Its time for you to come first. Remember the only thing in this world you can control is yourself and your reactions to situations. I believe you're strong enough to do this!!

Plus your place in this world is right here with all 100,000 of us nerds, who love you regardless of any orientation! The rest will fall into place eventually. Keep your head up Sambie. We're here whenever you need to get things off your chest.

Sent with awesomeness from my iPad using Tapatalk

Half Faerie (Sidhe) Scout | Black Belt Kitchen Ninja
"A positive attitude will not solve all your problems, but it will annoy enough people to make it worth the effort" - Herm Albright
You're welcome to skype me (audriwolf) too but let me know who you are

My challenge

 

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Hey Sambie, I'm really sorry for everything happening with your family.  It's terrible to struggle with your faith and be rejected for a different path, and I'm so sorry.  I hope you can surround yourself with people that love and support you, and that time will heal the pain.  Hang in there.  Regardless of what your family thinks, you are so worthy and we're glad you're here.

~Miranda (aka Farax K)

 

Stars hide your fires for these here are my desires
And I won't give them up to you this time around
And so I'll be found with my stake stuck in the ground
Marking the territory of this newly impassioned soul ~ Mumford and Sons

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new developments have arisen

 

I think you're making the best, kindest decisions that can be made in this situation.  I know that doesn't make it any less hurt-y (and I wish I knew something that could).

 

I wish I had some wisdom or advice or something useful to say... all I can really offer is support, to let you know that you are a wonderful person as you are.  Your parents and brother may see that in time, but your friends, and your Californian brother, and your J (and the pets, and your co-workers, and... I could go on...) - they/we all see that now.  Take some time with the ones who let you be/become the you that you like best.  Time and self-care may be what does you the most good now.

This used to be where  my weight loss progress bar was. Maybe it will be here again when I'm ready to face the scale and work on my fat problem.
 NewBattleLog              OldBattleLog (between challenges)

Spoiler


Don't let what you cannot do
interfere with what you can do.

-John Wooden

2013 Running Tally: I lost track in July, at 148.925  ((plus 0.5)) but I finished a Very Slow marathon in October. Then I mostly stopped.
2014 Running Tally: 134.1 miles plus 5k (as of 17 September) lost track again, but I know I had at least 147.2 plus 5k for 2014.
2015 Running Tally: 41.2 treadmilled miles & 251.93 real world miles

2016 Running Tally: 0

 

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Georges nailed it. You have lots of folks who accept you, and the rest will turn out however it will turn out. You've done what you can, you've been true to yourself, and that's all you can really do. 

Battle Log

"Either you take care of business and give yourself the best chance of survival (while accepting the inherent fuckedupitude and randomness of life), or you relinquish all hope entirely." -- Krista Scott-Dixon

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How you doin' these days, Sambie? I hope you are hanging in there.

All men dream, but not equally. Those who dream by night in the dusty recesses of their minds, wake in the day to find that it was vanity:

but the dreamers of the day are dangerous men, for they may act on their dreams with open eyes, to make them possible.

~T. E. Lawrence

 

When we contemplate the whole globe as one great dewdrop, striped and dotted with continents and islands,

flying through space with other stars all singing and shining together as one, the whole universe appears as an infinite storm of beauty. 
~John Muir

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I'm still here! Hanging on by my fingernails, but still here. Posting a new challenge thread....try, try again, as the saying goes, amiright?!

Most definitely! Good to hear you're hanging in, even though it's tough. I hope you sign up with the Renaissance Rebels again. The new thread is http://rebellion.nerdfitness.com/index.php?/topic/39550-the-renaissance-rebels-creative-revolution-cross-guild/

All men dream, but not equally. Those who dream by night in the dusty recesses of their minds, wake in the day to find that it was vanity:

but the dreamers of the day are dangerous men, for they may act on their dreams with open eyes, to make them possible.

~T. E. Lawrence

 

When we contemplate the whole globe as one great dewdrop, striped and dotted with continents and islands,

flying through space with other stars all singing and shining together as one, the whole universe appears as an infinite storm of beauty. 
~John Muir

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