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Ayla takes it down a notch


Ayla

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I have returned. Thank you all for all the feedback. I seriously appreciate it. And, thanks to WifeyB, I even have myself an accountabilibuddy for quitting smoking! Yay!

 

So, here's the deal. I'm not grading myself for Week 1, because I took everyone's suggestions and deicded not to worry about my other goals this past week, but thank you forkboy for deciding I get an A anyway :D. It really did help a lot to feel like I had permission to struggle and just focus on the hard stuff. As I said, I have already had some setbacks and I did smoke. But I'm not giving up because #1. That ain't how the Gurren Brigade roll, and #2. I'll never get there if I stop trying (which is the reason the Brigade don't roll that way haha). With the smoking grade, in general, I'm not going to be giving myself a grade on that at all until the last day of the Challenge. If I've made good strides toward dealing with my smoking triggers and have amassed a good (by my judgement) amount of non-smoking momentum by the end of the Challenge, then I'll give myself a pass. If not, well then that's a fail for me and I'll just have to keep trying next Challenge. Well I guess I'll have to keep trying forever, but you know what I mean.

 

Anyway, withdrawal is done with, which is fantastic. I just need to tell everyone how ridiculously weepy withdrawal made me. It was objectively hilarious. I watched World War Z and I cried because the grocery store scene at the beginning felt too realistic and made me upset. And then this made me cry because it was all inspiring and crap. I cried many times. I was a mess haha.

 

So, in other news, I'm working on my other goals now. Today I ate "paleo". As in... paleo enough to satisfy myself that I met the Pretty Much Paleo goal. I said I wouldn't worry about the details, so I won't (I'm still very tempted to worry about the details!). I know it makes more sense for me to just work on getting used to eating a lot more veggies and getting used to indentifying what is paleo and what isn't easily. I'm trying really hard to just focus on that.

 

As for exercise, tomorrow I'm going for a jog-walk! I'm actually very excited about that. Like I said, I lost a lot of my momentum, so I really am just psyched to start getting it back now that I'm not going through insane withdrawal (or being lazy on the off-Challenge week).

 

In general, I feel like I'm kind of teetering on the edge of a depressive episode and I'm having a lot of weird anxiety right now. I worry that I'm not going to follow through on the things I want to do. My biggest, hugest, most important goal for the near future is just to not abandon NF. Even if I do shitty, I want to make sure I'm still here and involved and being honest about what I'm doing. For now I'm just trying really hard to motivate myself. I find that chanting "FITNESS! FITNESS! FITNESS!" at my fiance helps for some reason, so I will make sure to do that before he leaves for work tomorrow haha.

Level 2 Fire Elemental


Druid


 STR |1 DEX | 3 STA | 3 CON | 3 WIS | 1 CHA


 


First Challenge; Current Challenge


The hardcore, intense, bitchin', BEST team ever: The Dai-Gurren Brigade


 


WHO THE HELL DO YOU THINK WE ARE!!?!!?

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you got this chica :)

Level 10.4 Wood-Elf, Ranger - specializing in demon fighting

"doing the impossible since 2012 :D" - Librarian of Doom

facebook battle log level 50 WOOT   Backstory CNF2014  current (not challenge - doing a battle log this time)

Spoiler

 

* This is the day the Lord has made, rejoice in it and be glad. God, The Bible. * Do or do not, there is no try. - Yoda
* There are three options in this life; be good, get good, or give up. -- House * Never take counsel of your fears. Stonewall Jackson. 

* level 50 isn't gonna just POOF happen - alienjenn, NF IRC chatroom

 

* I'm not about to give up - Because I heard you say - There's gonna be brighter days… I won't stop, I'll keep my head up - No, I'm not here to stay ...  - 

 I just might bend but I won't break - As long as I can see your face - When life won't play along - And right keeps going wrong - And I can't seem to find my way - I know where I am found - So I won't let it drag me down - Oh, I'll keep dancing anyway - Mercy Me - Move

 

 

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True story to help you stay strong.  This summer, I took my kids to one of those trampoline jump places.  After THREE minutes, I had to stop jumping.  I was beet red, couldn't breathe, thought I was going to die.  10 weeks later, I take my kids to a birthday party at the place.  I jump for 20 minutes straight while having a conversation with my son.  If my legs hadn't given out, I could have kept going.

 

I can walk up the big hill without losing my breath. 

 

One of my students walked up to me and said, "Mrs. Bloom, your hair smells good." 

 

All. These. Things.  Because I quit smoking. 

 

And you?  You are doing it without a crutch.  I still have my electronic cigarette to fall back on when I am craving the psychological act,  even though I haven't had nicotine in two weeks, so in my book, you rock.  Your emotions will even out. 

 

You've got this.

Level 2 Halfling Adventurer

Strength 1 Dexterity 1 Stamina 3 Constitution 4 Wisdom 3 Charisma 2

Current Challenge Thread

First Challenge Thread

Fit to Eat: my posts on the Sweatpants & Coffee Site

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So proud of you!!! And SO SO SO glad you're sticking it out and staying here. We're rooting for you!

Level 1 Druid Sea-Elf

Battle Log:

http://rebellion.nerdfitness.com/index.php?/topic/50159-back-at-nerd-fitness-but-i-can-no-longer-see-my-toes/?p=1094367

"The cure for anything is salt water- sweat, tears, or the sea." - Isak Dinesan

"Everybody is a genius. But if you judge a fish by its ability to climb a tree, it will live its whole life believing it is stupid." -Albert Einstein

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Go, Ayla!  Rawr!  Ooo, World War Z!  Crying is good.  Crying cleanses the body and soul.  *nods seriously*

 

Keep going!  You are doing super!  Even if it is hard, we are here for support!  Rawr!

Challenge: #1  #2  #3  #4  #5  |  Recipes  |  Level 6.  Kiwi Bird:  Rawr!   |  Team

 

Blogs I stalk:     Mark's Daily Apple  |   Nom Nom Paleo  |  Ancestral Chef  |  Greatist  |

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Thank, guys! Wideeyed, that is quite the encouragement! I played rugby for one season my senior year of high school. Practice involved running and I was always the slowest girl, even though there were a couple other girls who were just as overweight and out of shape as me. I knew it was because of smoking, so I tried to quit. I only lasted like three days, but during those three days I could already feel a difference at practice when we ran. Well, right now one of my big things is that I want to be able to run a mile. I've never been able to in my life. Hopefully not smoking will get me there a lot faster! And having someone say my hair smells nice would be a very good bonus haha.

 

Well, I just woke up a half hour ago. I think I really needed the sleep. The night before I had woken up like every hour on the hour and I'd gotten up early to catch up on school work. Then I cried last night because my fiance and I got into a fight (... grawrg, we are trying really hard to work some stuff out right now and it's been a bit difficult). But crying makes me exhausted, so I slept like the dead, not waking up once, until 2 pm today. But I did wake up feeling great, so I'm happy with that.

 

I'm using this time to catch up with what's been going on around here, because I was absent for a bit since NF kicked me out (seems like a lot of people were able to get back in a lot faster after the maintenance than I was). Then my mom and I are meeting with the florist for the wedding. Yay! And then it's jog-walk time. And then it's finally go catch up on my squad-mate's threads time.

 

On a fun side note, I saw this chorewars.com thing on forkboy's thread and last night my fiance and I made accounts. One of our big problems is chores around the apartment. The issue is that he's a huge neatfreak and I'm kind of a slob. We could probably reach a happy medium... except for the fact that he expects me to do everything, because he commutes and spends his time at work... while I sit around watching TV all day. Ha! I fucking go to school full time, do hours of homework every day, plan the big wedding that he wanted, cook his dinner every night, and so much more. It's like he thinks I don't actually exist or do anything if he's not directly looking at me while it's happening. So I'm hoping this silly little chorewars thing will help us out. I'll be more inclined to clean up if we're competing, and he'll see just how much more work I do around the house than he thinks and do a bit more because he likes to compete as well. I can only hope that chorewars stats do not become something we bring up in arguments haha.

 

He also decided to go Pretty Much Paleo with me. Yay!

Level 2 Fire Elemental


Druid


 STR |1 DEX | 3 STA | 3 CON | 3 WIS | 1 CHA


 


First Challenge; Current Challenge


The hardcore, intense, bitchin', BEST team ever: The Dai-Gurren Brigade


 


WHO THE HELL DO YOU THINK WE ARE!!?!!?

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Awesome to have you back Ayla, missed you! :love_heart:

 

Chorewars sounds like an awesome idea! And glad to hear your bf is supporting you on the paleo! Yay!

 

Offering all the strength and support I can while you nail those goals my girl, cause I know you will! :triumphant:

 

Lots of positive energy sent your way for tomorrow!

Level 6 Pixie Assassin Rangerish Adventurer
Current Challenge: Guess What??
Previous Challenges:

Spoiler

 

1st 2nd 3rd 4th 5th 6th 7th 8th 9th 10th 12th 13th 14th  Battle Log
-We can't always change the things we've done, but we can change what we do next.

-I don't have a choice. I deserve a better life and this is what I have to do to get there.
-Whatever doesn't kill me....Had better start running.

 

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How is chorewars going?   My husband and I have the same fight quite often.  I have 3 paying jobs (which equals about full time) and the mommy thing.  He is on the road and average of 1-2 nights a week.  So of course he thinks I do nothing while he is gone, never mind the clean bathroom, clothes and floor. 

 

Keep up the fantastic work!!

Suck it up today so you don't have to suck it in tomorrow!!

 

 

"I'm not a princess, I don't need saving. I'm a Queen, I got this shit handled!"

 

Level 4 Assassin

/not/smart/enough/to/keep/track/of/points

Challenge Thread

 

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Sounds like you are doing great! I don't know that we will actually get into chore wars but great to see it might be a helpful tool. My wife and I have worked out a nice system I have been using this challenge where every day has a set of chores and we are all (kids included in the case of my family) responsible for our assigned tasks. We divvy up stuff depending on our preferences a little too, but we agree ahead of time and then it is pretty easy to hold ourselves and each other accountable. I don't personally see why commuting is more challenging than school work or why that would warrant a pass. My wife tends to spend more time parenting and with my kids I know that work is frequently more difficult than my job, so I wouldn't see why I would get a pass either. We approach it on a pretty even distribution and the daily maintenance makes it A LOT easier. For us this means dishes are dine twice, trash is out, counters are clean, and at least one load of laundry has been done, folded, and put away. Maybe he could find satisfaction like I do in crossing shit off a list. Good luck and keep kicking ass!

Current: reorient

Old: 1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 | 6 | 7 | a | b | battle log

Older: 1 | 2 | 3 | 4

 myfitnesspal | epic quest

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Chores!  Kiwi Hates!  But, we divide them up, too, mostly based on our preferences.  We count cooking and shopping for groceries as chores, too.  Those I get because I LOVE FOOD!

We usually do most of the chores on the weekends since we both work during the week and have the same communte.  But we do make sure the dishes are put away and the counters are clean every night before we go to sleep.

 

Good luck with the chore stuff!  Rawr!

Challenge: #1  #2  #3  #4  #5  |  Recipes  |  Level 6.  Kiwi Bird:  Rawr!   |  Team

 

Blogs I stalk:     Mark's Daily Apple  |   Nom Nom Paleo  |  Ancestral Chef  |  Greatist  |

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Hey Ayla my girl and Brigade member!

 

Come give us a check in!!! Miss ya!  :love_heart: :love_heart: :love_heart:

Level 6 Pixie Assassin Rangerish Adventurer
Current Challenge: Guess What??
Previous Challenges:

Spoiler

 

1st 2nd 3rd 4th 5th 6th 7th 8th 9th 10th 12th 13th 14th  Battle Log
-We can't always change the things we've done, but we can change what we do next.

-I don't have a choice. I deserve a better life and this is what I have to do to get there.
-Whatever doesn't kill me....Had better start running.

 

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So, uh, hey guys. Remember when I said I felt my crazy bearing down upon me and my main goal was to just not ditch NF even if I was doing horrible with my goals? Well, I was right about the crazy and I obviously failed at staying with NF and I did horrible on my goals, to boot!

 

I'd been feeling kinda funky and I kinda knew it was coming, but, I mean, I didn't think I felt that bad. And then BOOM - I woke up one morning and it was just there. Just like "You know who sucks? You, Ayla! You suck. You're a useless person, undeserving of love. You never do anything right. Remember all those horrible, embarrassing, mortifying, shameful things that you have done in your life? Let's relive them ALL! You know what'd be better than this feeling? Death. That's what." I actually made myself physically sick. I have never experienced such a sudden and severe onset of crazy in my life. Looking back I can definitely see I was going off the rails before that morning, but it really took me by surprise.

 

I am not proud that I failed at everything. But I'm not beating myself up about it because I know that feeling like shit is not conducive to accomplishing anything. What I am proud of, though, is that I did a really good job of dealing with the crazy this time. I have a long history of bottling everything up for months until it becomes a hyper-dense pinpoint of misery and self-hatred. And then, after a while... I fucking lose my shit so hard that it completely disrupts my life. This time I calmly shared what was going on with everyone who needed to know. I made sure I wasn't spending large amounts of time alone (I actually woke my fiance up out of a sound sleep that first morning because I just couldn't be alone - bless his heart for being great about it, even though he's usually a jerk when he wakes up haha). I did the bare minimum of life stuff, while repeating my little mantra that I was not pathetic, I was just doing what I needed to do so that I could get back to doing life stuff as fast as possible. I cried when I needed to (read: I cried a lot). I used all my coping mechanisms... Pretty much the most "successful" bout of severe depression I've ever had.

 

And the quickest! I think I'm back. Not making any promises. I'm definitely not my totally normal self. But I didn't even cry once these past two days! Woohoo! I started feeling a little more OK, and then yesterday I went and browsed all day at Ulta and Ross. Do you even know how much dirt cheap makeup I got? So much! And a sweater! I spent all last night doing weird makeup on myself. Then I got in bed with bright purple eyeshadow on and read a book by candlelight while drinking tea, because I wanted to pretend that it was 1785 for no reason. My fiance thought it was a little odd, but these are the weird kinds of things I do when I need to feel better. Then today I went to all my classes and did 5 hours of Spanish homework without even getting stressed out or anything. Yay! I feel so much better after all that!

 

I thought about you guys a lot while I was gone, but going through the Gurren Brigade thread and everybody else's threads feels like a super stressful, insurmountable task right now. So I'm just going to leave it here for the moment. I'm going to spend the next couple days ramping up and then on Monday I'm officially back in this goddamn thing. Except for smoking. Predictably, I relapsed on that pretty quick when I started feeling terrible and now I'm smoking just as much as ever. If I quit again, I'm going to have to go through withdrawal again. And, since I now know what kind of crazy mood swings I get when I go through nicotine withdrawal, I don't think it's a good idea just yet. I'm failing this challenge, but that's OK. I just want to get back in here and build up my momentum again.

Level 2 Fire Elemental


Druid


 STR |1 DEX | 3 STA | 3 CON | 3 WIS | 1 CHA


 


First Challenge; Current Challenge


The hardcore, intense, bitchin', BEST team ever: The Dai-Gurren Brigade


 


WHO THE HELL DO YOU THINK WE ARE!!?!!?

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Lol, very busy indeed my girl. Which is why you should not concern yourself with catch up and just JUMP BACK IN! I am awful glad to see you back and hear that determination. That is the strong girl I know.

 

As far as goals, you're not failing if you are finding the path that works for you. Readjust the damn goals!

 

You handled that awesomely! I am super proud of you.

 

Now get back here and kick some ass!!!

 

Because Ayla...............

 

 

WHO THE HELL DO YOU THINK YOU ARE!!?!!?

 

LOVE YA!!! :love_heart: :love_heart: :love_heart: :love_heart:

Level 6 Pixie Assassin Rangerish Adventurer
Current Challenge: Guess What??
Previous Challenges:

Spoiler

 

1st 2nd 3rd 4th 5th 6th 7th 8th 9th 10th 12th 13th 14th  Battle Log
-We can't always change the things we've done, but we can change what we do next.

-I don't have a choice. I deserve a better life and this is what I have to do to get there.
-Whatever doesn't kill me....Had better start running.

 

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Ayla,

 

Take your time getting back.  Don't push yourself too much.  You will get through this.  Don't worry about checking in on everyone.  Do it when you feel you are ready.

 

It hurts when we are in our darkest and it seems we would never be able to get out because we are in a mental state where we truly believe we are horrible people who have made mistakes and deserve nothing good except death.  But, we are human beings, we make mistakes, and we can learn from our mistakes.

 

I think you are a very awesome person.  You are here, posting and letting us know how you are doing. 

 

Just remember, we are here for support!  Rawr!

Challenge: #1  #2  #3  #4  #5  |  Recipes  |  Level 6.  Kiwi Bird:  Rawr!   |  Team

 

Blogs I stalk:     Mark's Daily Apple  |   Nom Nom Paleo  |  Ancestral Chef  |  Greatist  |

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rafiki011.jpg?w=487

 

don't worry about yesterday... it's in the past...

 

start over tomorrow... start over monday.... start over as many times as you need to

 

 

it isn't failure until you stop trying... if you give up for 3 weeks or 4 or 9 or 52 or 5000 weeks... but then you try again... it still isn't failure...

 

 

 

as long as you make the decision to try again it IS NOT failure... it isn't

Level 10.4 Wood-Elf, Ranger - specializing in demon fighting

"doing the impossible since 2012 :D" - Librarian of Doom

facebook battle log level 50 WOOT   Backstory CNF2014  current (not challenge - doing a battle log this time)

Spoiler

 

* This is the day the Lord has made, rejoice in it and be glad. God, The Bible. * Do or do not, there is no try. - Yoda
* There are three options in this life; be good, get good, or give up. -- House * Never take counsel of your fears. Stonewall Jackson. 

* level 50 isn't gonna just POOF happen - alienjenn, NF IRC chatroom

 

* I'm not about to give up - Because I heard you say - There's gonna be brighter days… I won't stop, I'll keep my head up - No, I'm not here to stay ...  - 

 I just might bend but I won't break - As long as I can see your face - When life won't play along - And right keeps going wrong - And I can't seem to find my way - I know where I am found - So I won't let it drag me down - Oh, I'll keep dancing anyway - Mercy Me - Move

 

 

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I second all the others.  I definitely don't think NF should be a source stress.  We are all busy and we understand.  We should come here for support, help, advice, etc., but not come here to add more stress to our lives.  Tomorrow's a new day.  Hang in there!

Current: reorient

Old: 1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 | 6 | 7 | a | b | battle log

Older: 1 | 2 | 3 | 4

 myfitnesspal | epic quest

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Hello Ayla, let me say ( a very late) welcome to the Druids.

First and foremost, great that you are still here even if the last week has been very difficult for you. Like your wonderful supporters are saying above: go easy on yourself.

 

Also congratulations on well formulated initial challenge goals. Remember that you can choose to change them if you like: or just stick to them to the extent you choose. 

 

Don't let the drive to catch up be a stressor (look at me, I'm a guild leader and I haven't even been to your thread until now ;-). This is a place for many things: inspiration, support, venting, etcetera - but not to feel pressure from.

 

Namaste

I have chosen to believe in myself.


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Hey my girl, thinking about you and hoping all is well. You are missed, come give your Brigade a check in! :love_heart:

Level 6 Pixie Assassin Rangerish Adventurer
Current Challenge: Guess What??
Previous Challenges:

Spoiler

 

1st 2nd 3rd 4th 5th 6th 7th 8th 9th 10th 12th 13th 14th  Battle Log
-We can't always change the things we've done, but we can change what we do next.

-I don't have a choice. I deserve a better life and this is what I have to do to get there.
-Whatever doesn't kill me....Had better start running.

 

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