The Hardest Boss Fight of my Quest, is in the First Level of the Dungeon.

[CrazyMags]

Some people say they are their own worst critic... And I'm starting to think that I take this so far to the extreme, it is probably my biggest hurdle on my journey to get fit....

Let me give you a few examples:

1) the women's fitness forum had a topic about how you perceive your body shape vs what it actually looks like... Most responses from other women were between 5-12.5% smaller than their perception... Me? I am 22.5% smaller than how I percieve myself... And even though that website told me...I still am thinking, "oh, they probably made a mistake, it's a UK website, it has to be a misconversion from cm to in."

2) I'm a teacher, I work 12 hour days preparing for a class with over half my students not meeting standard for their grade level. I have some challenging kids, but when a lesson doesn't go well, or a student does something naughty during an observation... I blame myself. Like, a lot. When my principal talks to me about different things she's noticed that weren't perfect... I honestly cry, then I get angry with myself for crying... Which leads to more crying lol ugh I'm crazy!!!

3) working out... I don't go on hikes or journeys with friends that involve exercise because I don't want to be last... I've been last my whole life... It revolves around people even in middle school trying to get me to hurry up and finish the mile so we can go... I haven't been to a gym in months, because when I go, I can never find a weight bench or treadmill next to someone who isn't training for a marathon or lifting competition...

I know my self confidence de-rails my journey, I just don't know what to do about it! Can anyone help or is this going to remain in my quest log for the rest of my life?

[Vella]

*hugs*!  I'm in exactly the same boat.  I am constantly beating myself up for stuff that probably isn't even my fault.

And I don't exercise in groups, either, not because I'm always last, but because I'm afraid of being last ... so I hear your number 3 loud and clear!

 

Honestly, I haven't found a way around it yet, but here's what I find helps right now:

I have no full-length mirrors in my room currently, and no scales or any way to measure myself.  Which makes it really, really difficult for me to document my progress or lack thereof; I've only got the fact that I'm sticking to the diet plan I chose for myself, and I'm getting out fairly often.

I've also decided to only change one thing at a time, and diet is first, so while I do get to the gym once a week and make it a point to walk to the shops instead of catching the bus, I consider those things perks or bonuses rather than things that I have expectations of myself for.  It makes me feel good about myself when I go to the gym, rather than making me feel bad about myself when I don't.  Practice setting goals that are challenging, but not impossible, and ones that don't require a time limit.  Say, the ability to do X number of reps with a certain amount of weight in an exercise.  That way, you know exactly what to work on, you can feel yourself getting closer, and you're not stressed about how long it takes you to get there.

And learn to love exercising endorphin  I've recently been trying to make myself feel better about what I do and when by giving myself positive rewards for completion, not the threat of shame and anger for noncompletion, and I try to make that as intrinsic to the activity as possible.  I go out and find recipes that are within my diet plan, but contain things I love, like coconut and pork and pumpkin, so that 'eating well' means 'eating things I love to eat'.  And for exercising, I tell myself I exercise because I love the endorphin hit afterwards, and because it means that next week I'll up the difficulty on exercise Z, and that makes me feel better because it feels like progress and self-improvement.

 

Apart from that, keep your support network strong.  People on this board are super willing to give support and advice, and if meatspace friends are encouraging and supportive, too, so much the better!  The support will help through the rough spots and make the good spots feel even better.

 

Good luck

[CrazyMags]

I'm glad I'm not alone!

I know I don't always make the best diet decisions, but for me food isn't as big a factor as the lack of exercise. I need to keep a certain amount of muscle in my core or I throw my back out... And I haven't been as diligent with my core exercises as I should be...

It takes so much will power to put myself out there and show my face in a gym... Let alone overcome any setbacks... I am hoping that the people around here can help me through the rough patches, and celebrate the victories with me as well... (dear god I hope there are victories to celebrate... Lol)

Thank you for the support!!!

[Vella]

It took me weeks to be able to walk up to the freeweights and start lifting, especially since at my uni gym, that space was pretty much guys-only, and guys twice my size with muscles at that!

 

I couldn't do this because I hadn't the money (gym membership came free with my uni fees), but could you buy a set of weights and use them at home?  I got a lot less nervous once I knew what I was doing.

 

And of course we'll be here for you, and there will definitely be victories!

[Evicious]

I'm glad I'm not alone!

I know I don't always make the best diet decisions, but for me food isn't as big a factor as the lack of exercise. I need to keep a certain amount of muscle in my core or I throw my back out... And I haven't been as diligent with my core exercises as I should be...

It takes so much will power to put myself out there and show my face in a gym... Let alone overcome any setbacks... I am hoping that the people around here can help me through the rough patches, and celebrate the victories with me as well... (dear god I hope there are victories to celebrate... Lol)

Thank you for the support!!!

 

Found your starting point for the Boss Fight!

 

Like Vella said (and as you already know) the key to overcoming big obstacles is to start small - like climbing a mountain, or eating an elephant, or reading a Dostoevsky novel. So for the next 4 weeks (because it usually takes 3 weeks to build a habit, so throw in one more as a catch-all for the couple of times you may slip up) do your core exercises every day. Do all the things you already know to do to make it happen: plan out your day so you know WHEN you have the time to do them, and also plan out an alternate time if your first slot isn't available for some reason; put up sticky notes to remind yourself, or set reminders to pop up on your phone or email, so there is no way you could possibly forget; implement a reward system for doing them, whether it's a piece of chocolate or just checking off a day on calendar; and most importantly, don't give yourself the option of NOT doing them - you can switch the time around if you must, but never let yourself go to bed without doing your core exercises first. 

 

Voila! In 4 weeks you have done two things: significantly improved your core strength, thus aiding in preventing your back from getting thrown out during other forms of exercise, and made a habit of exercising on a daily basis. From there, you move on to adding other exercises in, maybe at the gym or maybe at home, or wherever is most comfortable or convenient, and you keep building up in the direction you want to go.

 

I also encourage you to take a look at joining one of the Accountabilibuddy groups on this site. Yes, they're mostly in effect for the 6 Week Challenges, but you will find plenty of people who would be happy to have you as a cheerleader in between challenges and would be equally happy to do the same for you.

[CrazyMags]

Thanks Evicious! You're so smart! I was hoping to start a challenge, but I don't want to try and start one now... I'll do the next round!

I will definitely look into the buddies, I posted in the sidekick forum, but I think I talk to much for the volunteer sidekicks that have so nicely offered... Lol maybe a group IS more appropriate... I will look into it!!!

Thanks again!!!

[El Exorcisto]

I work full time in a hospital. I am married with an almost 4 year old. I am in the middle of a renovation. I am looking for another house to get moved to the country. I somehow find time in the midst of that and all of the normal day-to-day to smash the fucking weights three days a week. The only way I can understand someone losing motivation for getting better at being human is if they were comfortable in their own skin to begin with. People who are comfortable don't come here.

 

If your job is too hectic then find a new one. If you spend as much time outside of school as inside working on your materials, then learn better time management skills. Stop making excuses. If I can do it, then so can you.

 

This isn't about losing weight or even getting strong. This is about building your self, not just your body. Find a man with a 500lb deadlift that doesn't have a pair of bollocks an I'll call you a liar. Find me a woman that will put 300 on her back and take it to the bottom while you're at it. If you want to stop crying and making excuses for how bad you think you suck, then stop crying and making excuses. Start giving yourself something to be proud of instead of letting a principal or god forbid a child walk all over you. When you almost pass out with a barbell in your hand so heavy it feels like your shoulders are going to tear out, then nothing a kid can do will phase you. Trust me.

[Red1263]

Bouncing off El Exorcisto's words, You have to focus on your journey, no one else's. Everyone is their own harshest critic, but you have to realize that that voice that says, "You can't..." is merely a test of your abilities. It's an inside Boss battle that determines who's stronger: You or Your-Self-Doubt.

 

THIS IS A BATTLE THAT YOU CAN WIN!

 

In terms of seeing everyone preparing for a marathon/fear of being the last one/any other problems you have that even slightly involves other people, I leave you with this:

 

[CrazyMags]

Thanks guys... You all are great! I'm printing off that saying and putting it up in my classroom Red! And in my house... Haha I still wish that voice in my head would just stfu though! :-P

[El Exorcisto]

Not something for the classrom, but here's another little gem:

 

“Get rid of all the meaningless crap in your life and your training. Get rid of the things that bleed your energy in the weight room and in life. What’s better for you? The Prowler or a stroll on the treadmill? What do you think is going to make you better? Don’t fall for the crap that people are peddling on message boards, in magazines or on TV. Get your shit in order, and get your training in order. Start kicking ass, and take out the crap that doesn’t matter. Start doing and believing in the stuff that works, and do it today and forever. You want science and studies? Fuck you. I’ve got scars and blood and vomit. This is a call to arms for some of you. It is for me, too. Stop all the things that make you a pussy and steal your energy. Get your life back.†– Jim Wendler

[CrazyMags]

I think Steve had something similar in one of his Blogs, without as much swearing... lol 

 

"This isn't about losing weight or even getting strong. This is about building your self, not just your body." 

 

El Exorcisto, I'm keeping this in my little scrapbook of inspirational words.. just for you...okay, well, just for me... lol 

 

I'm going to try a crossfit place and a trainer that Clawed_bear recommended...but I can't start for another 2 weeks...here's to home exercises to get me ready!

 

Thanks all...

[El Exorcisto]

Oi... let the kipping commence I guess. In the meantime, if you really want to get some shit done, find a hill. Look up the hill and sprint it as fast as you can, walk down, and repeat until you: a. vomit, b. pass out, or c. cannot physically do it again. Do it a couple times a week and see how you feel, not physically but emotionally. Don't stop when you want to, stop when you have no choice. Your problem is spiritual, not physical. Harden up and make the shit happen. Lunges and pushups in front of the TV can't put you in the same state that hill sprints can when equipment is lacking.

[CrazyMags]

What is kipping? Lol

[El Exorcisto]

Think about holding onto a chin up bar and seizing. It's sort of like that. There must be more to it because the Crossfitters LOVE it.

[Gobnait]

I'm afraid that I don't know where to find this story again, but it's about a mother who was in a food court feeding her children fast food when another woman sits at the table next to her, has a special cover for the highchair, and starts feeding her baby an avocado from her bag.  The avocado lady's child was beautifully dressed and had braided hair.  The fast food lady's children looked unkempt.

 

The fast food lady's thoughts were something along the lines of "how dare you be perfect AT me."

 

Those people at the gym, they're deliberately being fit At you so that you stay feeling rotten and last.  They love to flaunt their fitness because they probably were never the last and it makes them feel good.  Actually, they could probably care less about what you're doing.

 

I'm not sure if hating them for having fitter bodies is something that you can use.  Just don't let it hold you back.

[CrazyMags]

Gobnait, you couldn't misunderstand what I was saying more. I don't hate anyone for being in better shape than I am.. That would be a lot of people... And I don't hate anyone, it is something that I take pride in actually...

Maybe they don't notice me, they probably wouldn't... The whole point of what I was saying, was that by comparing myself to them, I am creating for myself a vehicle for self-hate.

I hold no animosity towards people who are in good shape at the gym...they work hard to get where they are... It is my own self esteem that gets the best of me... Honestly, similar to what you say that those people wouldn't care about me...what I am saying and feeling has nothing to do with anyone else other than me and my brain... This was just my call to anyone who may be able to help me get over the self-hate...

And I am grateful for the PMs and responses on this topic, they have been inspiring, and Very helpful!

Though El Exorcisto, I don't ever even think about trying a pull up... Lol so I'm not sure I understand, but my guess is you are poking fun at people who do Crossfit? It's all over my head... Haha sorry! I am just hoping to join a gym community that is supportive during my workouts so I can have support at home and at the gym...and it sounds like Crossfit may be it! hugs!

[Gobnait]

Finally found the article.  I think it really lost something in me trying to remember it.  http://www.huffingtonpost.com/glennon-melton/quit-pointing-your-avocado-at-me_b_3492304.html

[CrazyMags]

Thanks for the interesting read, Gobnait. I can understand what you are saying much better, and can see how my comments could be taken very similarly to the person in this article. I just want to emphasize that there is one difference between this person, and me: if I was the one in the food court, I wouldn't be upset AT the avocado mom, I'd be upset at MYSELF for NOT being the avocado mom...

When I am at the gym, I am not angry at the people who are in good shape, I am mad at myself for not being in as good of shape...not working as hard as they do, not having the right body type as I would like... Instead of feeling angry or frustrated at THEM, it makes me angry and frustrated at MYSELF.

When I am in those situations, the words that go through my head are: "wtf is wrong with you Sara, you are feeling tired at this? You can't run as fast as that person? No wonder you are fat and unattractive...."

It is my first goal to cut out the self-hate talk to myself, to stop comparing myself to other people who have been at the fitness thing longer than I have, and who are completely different than I am... I don't hate them, I envy them... And envying aspects that are unattainable isn't going to do anything but bring me down... I'm never going to be a size 0...and I'm not sure I want to be... I know I could get to a size 12-14 though, so let's work at that part.... And praise myself for my achievements along the way...

[Gobnait]

Glad I could clarify for you.  I probably should have made use of a sarcasm tag somewhere in there.

 

You're a different person than I am.  I can convert negative emotions into uranium.  (That is the fuel source that is okay when properly handled, contained, and disposed of... right?)

 

Anyway, you're a different person than them, as well.  I imagine that if you did find someone of teacher caliber in that crowd, they could find a subject of envy about you.

[El Exorcisto]

Just YouTube "kipping pull-up..." It's all pretty self explanitory. If you need the cheerleading then I'd imagine Crossfit is exactly what you need. Good luck.