Bekah's Becoming who she wants to Be...the Battle Log

[Teirin]

Oh no!  Hope she's ok.

[Bekah]

Oh dear, hope everything is okay!

 

 

Oh no!  Hope she's ok.

I hope so too, I can't do any more for her than I am already doing, she has to take the initiative for her own health and do what needs to be done, and well, I hope she does. She will be there for at least 3 days. 

[alienjenn]

daughter child?? 

 

I thought you meant Bekah is in the hosp... I have a confused

[Bekah]

daughter child?? 

 

I thought you meant Bekah is in the hosp... I have a confused

no not me, the girl child! Second time since April

[alienjenn]

[Bekah]

apparently it has a lot to do with her dad, from what little she is telling me, but it's hard to talk about it on the phone when he is standing right behind me. I thought I was making a good choice by us getting back together....because things were shitty when it was just me, I was mean and sick and overwhelmed and ugh, and I thought for sure that was worse...I guess maybe it wasnt? But things between me and J are better than they ever were, and he is trying to do good with them, he is just Codependent and whiny and complains about everything, its his nature...and honestly there is a lot to complain about with as much as he has to do, its like being a single parent in a lot of ways, being the only person who can drive and the only one who works and the only one who has any sort of decent memory...i dunno, I don't fault him too much, but I wish he was less of it still, he needs an outlet and I cant find him one, and working full time and going to school full time, doesnt leave much in the way of time to look for friends or do things for himself, which is a huge part of the problem....but if its this bad for the kids, to the point where they are being admitted, then what do I do? Not to mention I can't support myself or them, which is a very big part of my choice to come back too. 

[alienjenn]

obviously I am not IN your house... so I don't know the whole story... but I kinda worry about you and the whole situation

 

feel free  to text/fb... I am at work all night 

[Bekah]

ok, I *think* we got some shit resolved, at least with J. We both were kinda blindsided by this, because she just doesn't say anything, but I have known for a while that our general household environment was kinda shitty, and super negative, and I feel like a lot of it is just totally different ways of relating to the world for me and J, and then the kids too...they need a different way of being disciplined and being responsible for things, than he can understand and implement. So for me and him, we parent in different ways, and mine works for the kids, bc they are like me, and his way of parenting is too harsh, clearly....even though its MUCH better than it used to be, it isnt working, so we are going to do it my way, which hopefully will work better for a while. He is just gonna kinda back off with parenting for a bit, and let me deal with it, and focus on work and school, so essentially I will be a single parent in terms of discipline and dealing with the kids, and just not have the financial stress of being a single parent...which hopefully will work out well. Then after a while, maybe he can adapt and do it my way with them, and we can co-parent again...that's the plan anyways. 

 

 

Soooo...that's hopefully the plan, and we will see how it goes. I figure if he understands the problem with them, and is willing to work on it, then there is no reason to leave (I was considering it as a possibility) but if things dont get better relatively quickly, then maybe it will happen regardless. 

 

That combined with JJs turning 16 yesterday, nothing at all has been accomplished or even dealt with in terms of fitness or diet or anything over the weekend. Tomorrow is a new day though  

[Bekah]

I am contemplating not going to a restorative yoga class in the morning, because I am too tired in mind and body...seriously Bekah?!?!? go sleep and shut up  

 

The girl came home today. I volunteered all afternoon for the Angel Tree and got to practice speaking broken ass Spanish  

[Bekah]

From the blog yesterday: I LOVE this

I am a Nerd Fitness Rebel, and today is the first day of the rest of my life. I shall make no excuses and hold no grudges.

I care not where I came from, only where I am going.

I don't compare myself to others, only to myself from yesterday.

I shall not brag about successes nor complain about my struggles, but share my experiences and help my fellow Rebels. I know I impact those around me with my actions, and so I must move forward, every day.

I acknowledge fear, doubt, and despair, but I do not let them defeat me. I pledge my life and honor for the Rebellion, for this day and all the days to come.

[Bekah]

I am working on:

30 Day Yoga Challenge
Lose 20 Pounds in 10 Weeks PvP
Flylady
Exercise Classes

Being here for my fellow nerds

1. Yoga: 1/30 (I thought I was going to a yoga class today...not so much...lol)
2. Lose 20: x/20 (WI tomorrow)
3. Flylady: not so much since Thursday, really need to get back in the routine
4. Classes: 1 (just counting the number of workouts...no goal number)

I didn't officially do a BBWW but I went to a class, expecting restorative yoga...got strength training, bodyweight exercises and pilates hybrid class...finished almost every exercise (I can't do a 90 second plank and Plie Squat Twists are EVIL things) but when I first got there, a snotty bitch joked to her friend that I wouldnt last through the class...and fuck her. The instructor was surprised I could do it too...which felt almost as good, bc I know he doesnt remember me, but he was/is a yoga teacher at the Y back when I used to go, and he told me his yoga class would be too hard for me (and my yoga teacher at the time laughed bc her class was longer and harder than his and I did it 3x/week) so he fully didnt expect me to make it either.

Don't judge a person by their fat. The end.

[Teirin]

Go you!!  Way to kick ass and confound expectations!

[Twilight]

I hope you're feeling better from falling, and that your girl is feeling better, too.

 

I didn't officially do a BBWW but I went to a class, expecting restorative yoga...got strength training, bodyweight exercises and pilates hybrid class...finished almost every exercise (I can't do a 90 second plank and Plie Squat Twists are EVIL things) but when I first got there, a snotty bitch joked to her friend that I wouldnt last through the class...and fuck her. The instructor was surprised I could do it too...which felt almost as good, bc I know he doesnt remember me, but he was/is a yoga teacher at the Y back when I used to go, and he told me his yoga class would be too hard for me (and my yoga teacher at the time laughed bc her class was longer and hardsr than his and I did it 3x/week) so he fully didnt expect me to make it either.

Don't judge a person by their fat. The end.

 

That is SO RUDE. OMG I am LIVID on your behalf! What awful people!

[Bekah]

I hope you're feeling better from falling, and that your girl is feeling better, too.

 

 

That is SO RUDE. OMG I am LIVID on your behalf! What awful people!

 

it happens to me, a lot. I am not sure why, I guess bc I am one of the few "fatties" that will venture into "their" space, so I hear it a lot? I dunno. It just makes me want to show them that they are dead wrong. It used to hurt my feelings/make me cry/angry etc. but that does no good, making them stare their judgments in the face, might change things? I hope. By the end of class, I realized she was kind of a suck up to the teacher and had been going for a long time and was good at everything they did, so she is probably a total mess inside herself (based on her need to belittle others while pursuing praise for her abilities) so she is far worse off than I am, and besides it made me feel really good about myself when I didn't have a negative reaction to her and was able to finish the class with almost zero places I couldn't finish. 

[Bekah]

I am working on:

30 Day Yoga Challenge
Lose 20 Pounds in 10 Weeks PvP
Flylady
Workout Classes
Being here for my fellow nerds

1. Yoga: 1/30 
2. Lose 20: -6/20 
3. Flylady: nothing  
4. Workout Classes: 2 (just counting the number of workouts...no goal number)

5. Being Here for my nerds: I have posted on at least 2 different challenge threads every day (and liked at least that many more posts on others)

 

Bah, I gained 6 lbs in one week (not sure why, but it wasn't super bad eating...so I will just see how it goes the rest of the week) 

Have done nothing with yoga and Flylady

Have been KILLING these new exercise classes, went again today and did awesome again (bitch lady wouldn't even speak to me when I said hi to her...lol) 

I have had some positive interaction with several nerds this week, both on and off the forums  

[Bekah]

okay, so I want to discuss this new exercise class a bit more, in terms of what we actually do and how it feels etc. 
 

1. 90 second planks are for crazy people

2. DL's with dumbbells feel super weird, and I feel like my form is all wonky bc it isn't heavy enough. 

3. I SUCK at push ups, but then I remember that I am pushing about twice as much as the average person, so if I could do as many as they can, I would be the equivalent of some super badass. 

4. I push myself a LOT harder in group classes than I ever would at home. 

5. I like yoga a lot more than most of these, but I need to do stuff like this too, bc it makes me feel good. 

6. Not only do I like yoga more, I like doing yoga at home more too. I dunno, Kino MacGregor said it best in her book, that her home practice felt more spiritual and she could fail and it wasn't as big of a deal and she just enjoyed it more, and I feel the same way, except I can't ever recreate that atmosphere at my home very often...bah! I used to LOVE going and doing yoga at the Y in the empty room when no one else was in there...all calm and quiet and dimly lit and just yeahhhhhhh...but then they said I couldnt...fuckers! 

7. Don't do resistance band partner exercises with someone half your size/someone who has ADHD and cant focus for shit (I did them with Abby, and she was not the best partner...lol) 

8. I DESPISE those foam roller things, they cause me to feel like someone is sticking knives in my tailbone and just do not feel good on any part of my body...blech. 

[SevenofSeven]

Hey Bekah, would just like to say a word of encouragement, you're doing great! I would also like to say, fuck fly lady, I tried it her way and it sucked big time and I failed and felt like shit because I didn't wipe down the fucking skirting boards.

Live and love and have a lived in house!

[Teirin]

You can't practice in the room when it's not in use?  Did they give any reason for that?  It's rather strange.

 

Awesome work with the group fitness classes!  Glad they make you feel good

[Bekah]

You can't practice in the room when it's not in use?  Did they give any reason for that?  It's rather strange.

 

Awesome work with the group fitness classes!  Glad they make you feel good

No, their reason is that they fucking suck! LOL! Seriously, there was no reason, they didn't know what to say/do so they just said no. 

[Bekah]

I am working on:

30 Day Yoga Challenge
Lose 20 Pounds in 10 Weeks PvP
Flylady
Workout Classes
Being here for my fellow nerds

1. Yoga: 1/30 
2. Lose 20: -4/20 
3. Flylady: nothing   
4. Workout Classes: 2 (just counting the number of workouts...no goal number)

5. Being Here for my nerds: I have posted on at least 2 different challenge threads every day (and liked at least that many more posts on others)

 

still the same for today. I have done almost nothing with 2 of my goals, bc well, in order to do the exercise classes and fit in the other 4 billion things in my day, some shit has to slide. Next week will be just as bad, but week 3, will hopefully be a normal week again, unless they decide they want to hire me for the Bell Ringing Assistant position (they talked about it last year, but shit changes in the non-profit world like whoa fast) then I am going to be busy as hell from now till Xmas. 

 

If I can manage it (ie. get the hell off the forums and Farmville and do it!) then I am going to attempt to get in a yoga DVD tonight. 

I'm exhausted, and want to read, but want to farm and post all sorts of sexual innuendos and craziness and that boring workout junk around here...lol! I cant do EVERYTHING!!! I also want to research rainbows and spirituality, bc I read something yesterday that said that in some cultures/spiritual beliefs rainbows have a special significance, and I want to know more about that. 

 

oh and because I was reminded of the MBTI today

 

 

[Bekah]

Hey Bekah, would just like to say a word of encouragement, you're doing great! I would also like to say, fuck fly lady, I tried it her way and it sucked big time and I failed and felt like shit because I didn't wipe down the fucking skirting boards.

Live and love and have a lived in house!

 

Thank you I love her way, when I do it, I feel amazing, but life has been too busy this week, so I haven't done shit, but really I dont feel bad about it, just know I need to get back to it, and saying it repeatedly still keeps it in the front of my head so I don't forget entirely. I used to have that thinking with her stuff, but I finally got it down in my head to make it work for me...and it does, when I have time...which isnt this week...but I have a family to take care of regardless of whether my house is clean or not...yanno? 

 

[Bekah]

Ok I'm about to throw a fit...just so you know. 

I just had a big ugly fight with my mind and Chatarunga Dandasana. 

I can't do it, not even a little, without probably seriously injuring my shoulders. Why not? Because I am too goddamn fat and weak to hold my weight up on my arms in anything even close to the correct form, at all period. I can barely even do knee push ups right now...and THIS is why I don't want to do yoga anymore, because I CANT DO WHAT I WANT TO DO! (yeah I meant to yell) and I know that's my ego, and exactly why I need to do what I can and push myself a little everyday, but what I can do, isn't even yoga, its like this sad little laying on the floor and pushing my chest off the floor a little and my lower legs off the floor, and it makes me really fucking sad and I just want to cry, and never do it again. 

So...what I need to do (I think) is find that inner strength that I KNOW I have, and use it for this, and don't let my mind beat me in this. Even if that means it's five minutes a day of "yoga" then so be it. Doing this exercise class I started WILL get me stronger, and WILL make yoga happen, I know it, but that doesn't make me feel better when I am trying to raise my fat ass off the floor with my arms and can't do it. 

Ok, rant and fit throwing over. Thanks for listening 

[Teirin]

Rants are welcome too.  They help get the rage out of your system.  You will get there, you are determined and you are working on it.

[Bekah]

Rants are welcome too.  They help get the rage out of your system.  You will get there, you are determined and you are working on it.

 

This one was especially helpful, it showed me exactly where I was blocked and it was pretty obvious why. 

 

FYI, if you cry during a pose that probably means you have an issue there...just for anyone who is as obtuse about what their body tells them as I am.  

 

[Bekah]

I am working on:

30 Day Yoga Challenge
Lose 20 Pounds in 10 Weeks PvP
Flylady
Workout Classes
Being here for my fellow nerds

1. Yoga: 3/30 
2. Lose 20: -4/20 
3. Flylady: I worked on putting together my office in a bag today and cleared off a few hotspots
4. Workout Classes: 2 (just counting the number of workouts...no goal number)

5. Being Here for my nerds: I have posted on at least 2 different challenge threads every day (and liked at least that many more posts on others)

 

biggest news for the day is: I did yoga yesterday AND got up this morning and did yoga first thing too! Well it's more plank and down dog and some dolphin and savasana than anything else...but I have to start again somewhere, and I am working on using good form to protract my shoulders rather than have them drop forward, and that is actually rather hard at this weight.