Bekah's Becoming who she wants to Be...the Battle Log

[Bekah]

In my reading for today, I learned something interesting and helpful, to me at least.

 

Cycles of Time to change old habits and develop new ones: 

 

40 days: will change an old habit into a new one

 

90 days: confirms the new habit in you

 

120 days: allows the habit to become who you are

 

1,000 days: ensures that you have mastered the habit

[Bekah]

Something interesting came up tonight in my meditation time. I have been using a mantra for the inhale/exhale (peace;love, respectively) trying to gain peace and send love to the world...but anyways, after that I visualize my chakras and send color energy to them (not sure where I got that from, but it works for me) and tonight while I was doing that, in my minds eye I saw my spinal column and my sacral chakra, with a hand around it with a very tight grip, closing off the upward mobility of my energy.

So, a pretty vivid image of a blocked sacral chakra. What does that mean for me and how does it manifest in my life? Well, my pain in my lower back is related to it, plus just about ebery single other issue I have.

from quintessentialalchemy.com

Sacral Chakra – Svadhisthana

The Sacral Chakra is located approximately 1-2 inches below your naval and its color is orange. The Sacral Chakra is very close in vibration to the Root Chakra, and so it is also concerned with survival issues, but more from an emotional/gut instinct standpoint. The Sacral Chakra is associated with our emotional body and our tribal consciousness. It rules creativity, intuition on a gut level, fertility, relationships with others, and sensuality. Whereas the Root Chakra was more associated with the masculine energy of sexuality and physical gratification, the Sacral Chakra is concerned with the more feminine aspect of sex as a sharing act and union between two people. The Sacral Chakra is also connected to our sense of taste and to food. It is no wonder then that some people deal (or rather not deal) with their emotions with food, as they both correspond to the energy vibration of the Sacral Chakra. Food, and sharing a meal, is also associated with home and spending time with friends and family, all second chakra energy. As the Sacral Chakra is connected with emotions and the emotional body, it is also associated with the element of Water, the Moon, Yesod on the Tree of Life, and the lower Astral Plane. As such, the Sacral Chakra is also connected with endings and beginnings and the illusory nature of this life.

When the Sacral Chakra is clear and the energy is in balance, you are friendly, compassionate, and empathic with a concern for others. You are nurturing of yourself and of others. You have a very strong sense of belonging – you know your role within the tribe and are well respected and liked by others. This sense of connectedness also extends to nature and the plants and animals. Your emotions are balanced and you are self-aware – you allow yourself to feel your emotions and can transform negative emotion into positive. You have a strong gut instinct and heed well that level of intuition. You have a good sense of humor and express yourself creatively.

When the Sacral Chakra is unbalanced by excessive energy, you may be prone to emotional outbursts, be overly ambitious, manipulative (if you loved me…), caught up in illusions, over indulgent, and objectify others as sex objects, or use sex to not deal with your emotions.

A blocked Sacral Chakra with too little energy running through it is often tied to childhood trauma and abuse. You may feel unloved and unworthy, be shy and timid, immobilized by fear, overly sensitive, clingy or in contrast isolated, and burdened by undeserved guilt and shame. You may be repressed emotionally and sexually, inhibited, frigid or impotent. You may not be able to connect emotionally with others or form true intimate relationships. You may stuff your emotions down with food, and so they build up under the surface. You may feel overwhelmed - that you cannot allow yourself to feel your emotions, because your emotional well is full and just one more will cause the well to overflow, the dam to burst, and all hell to break loose.

[Twilight]

1. 90 second planks are for crazy people

 

I used to think that, and then I worked up to them! I'll have to work back up to them though ... I've been slacking. Planks are really tough.

[Bekah]

for a while now I have been looking for a meditation pillow/bolster-ish pillow for yoga that I would love and be the right size. I bought one today and it's going to be here on Wed!!! $20 for a 25x25in pillow  

 

[Bekah]

I am working on:

30 Day Yoga Challenge
Lose 20 Pounds in 10 Weeks PvP
Flylady
Workout Classes
Being here for my fellow nerds

1. Yoga: 5/30 
2. Lose 20: -4/20 
3. Flylady:nothing today
4. Workout Classes: 2 (just counting the number of workouts...no goal number)

5. Being Here for my nerds: I have posted on at least 2 different challenge threads every day (and liked at least that many more posts on others)

 

So far I have been yoga everyday since Friday, only 997 days to go before its a mastery level  

Everything is okay. I have been thinking (rarely a good thing...LOL!) and am wondering something about relationships and real love, given my limited experience in the latter. What is the difference between being practical in love and being immature and crazy? Like, loving someone so much that you would work on things that with someone else you would just end things long before it ever got to that point, that's real love right? But staying with them when they are seriously damaged and can't love you, even if they want to, is not "working on things" its being a sacrifice for someone else, right? So this whole "one foot out the door" perpetual relationship issue that I have had all my life, is that indicative of never really loving someone, bc if I really loved them it wouldn't be that way? 

[Twilight]

Everything is okay. I have been thinking (rarely a good thing...LOL!) and am wondering something about relationships and real love, given my limited experience in the latter. What is the difference between being practical in love and being immature and crazy? Like, loving someone so much that you would work on things that with someone else you would just end things long before it ever got to that point, that's real love right? But staying with them when they are seriously damaged and can't love you, even if they want to, is not "working on things" its being a sacrifice for someone else, right? So this whole "one foot out the door" perpetual relationship issue that I have had all my life, is that indicative of never really loving someone, bc if I really loved them it wouldn't be that way? 

 

I don't think anyone can answer that question but you. I agree with your assessment of what makes sense in terms of working on a relationship that has the potential to get better vs. sacrificing yourself for one that will never improve. I feel that being scared or reluctant to fully commit and immerse yourself in a relationship is different from whether or not you're in love or capable of loving others. Some people don't go all the way in and others do. One isn't wrong and the other isn't right; we're all different and have different needs and desires when it comes to love and relationships.

 

If you feel that always looking for the other shoe to drop is interfering with your relationships in a negative way, then that's something you can work on, but you need security and support in your relationships to make that happen. Is there something you or those around you can do to help, or do you feel that it's all from your side?

 

Hugs if you want them!

[Bekah]

I don't think anyone can answer that question but you. I agree with your assessment of what makes sense in terms of working on a relationship that has the potential to get better vs. sacrificing yourself for one that will never improve. I feel that being scared or reluctant to fully commit and immerse yourself in a relationship is different from whether or not you're in love or capable of loving others. Some people don't go all the way in and others do. One isn't wrong and the other isn't right; we're all different and have different needs and desires when it comes to love and relationships.

If you feel that always looking for the other shoe to drop is interfering with your relationships in a negative way, then that's something you can work on, but you need security and support in your relationships to make that happen. Is there something you or those around you can do to help, or do you feel that it's all from your side?

Hugs if you want them!

I think it's all me. I think the fear/insecurity etc. has all been worked out in the relationship, but even after almost a decade, I could just walk away tomorrow and sure I'd be sad a little, but it wouldn't be like devastating or anything, and I think that I am shortchanging him because I'm just not and never have been "all in" but there were a couple of people in my life that it was like that, but only two and they had their own issues and it never became much, and I was heartbroken, but I also think it was a bit immature and obsessive on my end, so maybe it's just *I want what I cant have*? I thought it was committment issues, but it's not really, I just don't feel that deep endearing *want to be with you forever* love, it's more of an "I love you because you are here for me and I can count on you and you arent a total asshole and thats really important to me" and that makes me feel like I'm in this for the wrong reasons, but I don't know what that kind of mature version is supposed to feel like. Ideally, I'd love to be living alone and just have a couple of long standing relationships but outside of my "space", and this isn't that, and I feel like it's unfair to him. I mean he is okay with me having outside relationships (but only female ones...and its not ideal but okay enough) and vice versa, so its really just my lack of emotional connectedness...but that is also part of Aspergers and maybe it's just the best I've got...I wish I knew.

ultimately, if we are both happy then who cares? The thing is, he isnt happy like this, he just tolerates it bc of my occasional more emotionally expressive moments, and deep down he is aware that I feel this way, and it bothers him, but I have never had the balls to say it out loud because I wasnt sure what it was or why and I dont want to throw out a decade long relationship bc of some PTSD/Asperger's bullshit that therapy or some deeper understanding can help...yanno? I'm happy the way things are with what I feel, but it's clear he is just putting up with it, and it makes me sad.

and ty for the hugs! I love hugs

[SevenofSeven]

*HUGS, HUGS, HUGS*

[RES]

Wish I had some words of wisdom...but I don't...so I will leave this...

 

[Twilight]

I thought it was committment issues, but it's not really, I just don't feel that deep endearing *want to be with you forever* love, it's more of an "I love you because you are here for me and I can count on you and you arent a total asshole and thats really important to me" and that makes me feel like I'm in this for the wrong reasons, but I don't know what that kind of mature version is supposed to feel like.

 

The "I want to be with you forever" kind of love it's what's idealised and promoted as how we're "supposed" to feel about our primary monogamous partner, but that's marketing. Some people don't get married ever, some people are not monogamous, some people experience emotions differently from others, and I think that's way more common than people are willing to admit, because we're told we're "wrong" to feel anything other than the "TRUE LOVE FOREVER" kind of love. Anything less is wrong and we're wrong and we're broken or bad people if we don't feel it a certain way! Like, who made them the boss of my feelings? Not me! So there.

[Teirin]

[Bekah]

The "I want to be with you forever" kind of love it's what's idealised and promoted as how we're "supposed" to feel about our primary monogamous partner, but that's marketing. Some people don't get married ever, some people are not monogamous, some people experience emotions differently from others, and I think that's way more common than people are willing to admit, because we're told we're "wrong" to feel anything other than the "TRUE LOVE FOREVER" kind of love. Anything less is wrong and we're wrong and we're broken or bad people if we don't feel it a certain way! Like, who made them the boss of my feelings? Not me! So there.

 

Yeah, I mean, if I am happy the way it is, and I am giving him everything I am capable of at the moment (Im not making a conscious choice to withold affection or emotions or anything) then I am doing everything I can, and well...if that isnt enough for him, that's on him and not me, right? So just one more thing to let go and not worry about anymore on my end. i like when that happens I owe so much of those to y'all, bc I really need validation about my thinking processes in regards to this stuff, bc I feel like I'm trying to navigate a foreign country with no map...and so you all are my GPS sometimes Thank you  

 

 

 

thank you  

[Terinatum]

Wow, girrrrl. You've been doing some amazing emotional work since I last popped in on you.

 

Your relationship woes are common enough, I'd say. Not that it makes it a damn bit easier, but we understand and get just how hard you're trying to be true to yourself and be the good parent you are with your kids.

 

J has his own set of difficulties and you are right to let him have them for himself. You have likely been holding onto a lot of stress by not really knowing what he's thinking or feeling. When you have to guess and deal with the unknown, it gets layered with all forms of anxiety and depression. It gets tangled and confusing.

 

But, now that you have begun to let him say what's on his mind and let him decide it he's unhappy, you have consciously made room in your heart for you. You get to take more care of yourself without feeling beholden to his inner needs.

 

You are really blossoming, Bekah. You have so much insight and a great store of will in which to wield it in ways that support and nourish you and your kids. And I am so happy for you. Keep swimming!

[Bekah]

Teri...you always make me cry  

 

oh and 78% toward your goal weight!!!! :D That is AWESOME!!! 

[Bekah]

Went kayaking yesterday for the first time, with a friend no less. Talk about a day! I have a friend who actually WANTS to do things with me and I did a new sporting activity :D :D  

 

So that was awesome! Otherwise nothing all that fascinating happening in my world...I'm reading the second book in the Mistborn Trilogy, really good book. I can't get past level 114 in Cookie Jam to save my life (been on it for weeks now!) and I started watching Once Upon a Time and am loving it!  JJ possibly tore a muscle in his shoulder over the weekend, Abby made a new friend at Art class, and I really get along well with his mom too and they might be coming over sometime this week I think I might be getting sick, or my allergies are really fucking bad (I have had a sore-ish/scratchy throat for 2 days now, with no other real symptoms besides being tired) and I listened to a really great talk about loving yourself and loving both your positive and your negative sides, and how to live like that, it was pretty good, although nothing I hadn't figured out along the way myself. 

 

I am seriously considering buying Quickbooks and an instruction manual and teaching myself so that I can look for accounting clerk type jobs, since I am having the same struggle with my DBS counselor that I always have, it takes her months to get shit done...but I have no clue if I can install it on the Mac and it will run the same as on a Windows OS, because I know that probably any job I get I will have to run it on Windows at work, and I don't want to learn it one way, and it be different for work...that would just confuse the shit out of everything. 

 

I have no serious plans for the week other than exercise class on T/TH and Abby's therapy on T and Abby's Art Class TH. So I should be able to catch up on Laundry and cleaning the bathroom and shit, and my Bubba should chill the fuck out some, bc I wont be gone all week long like the last two weeks!!! It's funny how now I don't want to do stuff everyday bc it takes away from my routine at home! I used to hate being at home bc I hated living here! But now that it's less cluttered and more liveable, I like being home. 

[Twilight]

Yay! You like your home!! You were so miserable just a few months ago. I'm so glad.

[Bekah]

Guess what time it is?!?! It's our challenge week where I start having PMS and turn into a hot mess...yay!

Seriously though, at least I recognize it for what it is.

Repeat after me: Your worth is not based on the size of your ass. You are beautiful and loveable exactly like you are. Eating food that you enjoy, even if it is not healthy, does not mean you are a worthless failure who will never reach your goals.

Thanks for the pep talk.

until tomorrow....

[alienjenn]

hey... how we going on our workout agreement... do we need to redefine and start again?? I want to craft you somezing

[Bekah]

hey... how we going on our workout agreement... do we need to redefine and start again?? I want to craft you somezing

haha its going so well that I forgot about it...I have however accomplished the objective of gaining motivation to workout. I have done 3 classes and probably 10 miles of walking and 3-4 sessions of yoga in the last 2 weeks.

[Bekah]

He's talking about why he wants to be king, and says its bc he wants to lead and protect the people and make sure the nobleman remain good to the common people...

"That's not Arrogance."

"It is...but an understandable arrogance. I don't think a man could lead without it. Actually, I think it's what I've been missing..."

"Self Confidence"

"A nicer word for the same concept"

Sometimes you read something and it explains things in a way that never made sense before...and now I understand the concept of self confidence a little bit better

From the book "The Well of Ascension" book two in the Mistborn Trilogy by Brandon Sanderson

[alienjenn]

haha its going so well that I forgot about it...I have however accomplished the objective of gaining motivation to workout. I have done 3 classes and probably 10 miles of walking and 3-4 sessions of yoga in the last 2 weeks.

Does that mean I owe you a craft?

haha its going so well that I forgot about it...I have however accomplished the objective of gaining motivation to workout. I have done 3 classes and probably 10 miles of walking and 3-4 sessions of yoga in the last 2 weeks.

[alienjenn]

Stoopid tapatalk

[Bekah]

Yes yes it does

And tapatalk issss stoopid!!!!

[alienjenn]

Facebook me and remind me

[Bekah]

Facebook me and remind me

 done