Devyn: WTF Is A Kender, Anyway?

[Devyn]

In Which Devyn Gets Re-Kenderfied

 

Hey, is that even a word?

 

That's not even a gif, Devyn. What are you playing at?

 

Pictured above is my hero, Tasslehoff Burrfoot. He's pretty much every kender's hero. Ask every kender you meet what their name is and one in every ten is going to say "Tasslehoff Burrfoot, named after Uncle Tas!"  That's because Uncle Tas is a legend to all kender. Tas is what every kender wants to be. You can read about him in the sacred Dragonlance texts by the prophets Margaret Weis and Tracy Hickman. Because Tasslehoff died before gifs were made, there are sadly no gifs of him. 

 

Yawn! That's great, but why are you telling me this? I have squats to do.

 

You could do your boring squats or you can listen to my tale about kender. The reason I'm telling you this tale is because it's extremely relevant to my story.  You see, a long time ago roughly three weeks or so...

 

Wiggly Flashback Segue!!

*DOOT DOODLOO DOOT DOODLOO DOOT DOODLOO*

 

Why don't you sit and make yourself comfortable. This may take a while.

 

The kender ninja clone matched me move for move. Why wouldn't she? She was me. Except she wasn't. She was alive. Either that or a figment of my imagination. After the long, trial-filled journey I had been undertaking the latter was very likely.

 

Her alive-ness gave her an advantage over me. I was a dead zombie version of my former self and she was some badass version of me that I only dreamed I could be. Eventually, my tired and decaying limbs gave out and I became a punching bag for my other self.

It did not end well. It ended kinda well because I did this cool thing where I flipped her over the cliff and she probably died or disappeared in an imaginary puff but I was not a pretty sight afterward.

The happy thing is that I figured out the last puzzle on the artifact and used its magic which breathed life back into my withered, dead heart.

 

Also, all my hair is gone.

 

End of Flashback

 

 

 

That was riveting. Really. But I still don't see where you're going with this?

 

Is the story over already?

 

Alright already. I can see you don't appreciate a good story when it's talking your ear off. I am alive now, but I don't seem to be very good at it. Bringing myself back to life is no easy task and neither is getting your ass kicked by your imaginary self in a ninja costume.

 

I have been left half the kender I once was. My body is broken and my muscles are weak. My brain is mushy and I just don't feel like a kender anymore. I still feel like a sad, yucky kender. 

There was no way I could go out adventuring in this state. So, I took the quickest route I knew (that's a whole different story for a whole different time) back to Krynn (my home world) and set up camp in Hylo (my home town).

 

Get to the point. I seriously have shit to do.

 

Rude. Fine. The point is that I am now in Hylo, my home town. It also happens to be the hometown of my sorta kinda enemy Belladonna.  Belladonna is the violently self appointed leader of Hylo. She's an afflicted kender which is very sad but it also makes her super annoying because she's paranoid about everything. So she has spent a lot of time, effort and probably tax money to capture me and force me to lead her army.

I made a deal with Belladonna. I promised her that if she helped me recuperate, then I would help her in return. I hate giving in like that, but I'm sure it will all work out nicely.

 

What could possibly go wrong?

 

This is all very interesting and everything, but WTF is a kender?

 

I'm so glad you asked, imaginary dialogue person. A kender is a halfling-like creature who is full of badassery and is the thing that every person in the universe should strive to be.

 

All Awesome illustrations by Awesome Iket

 

Notice the topknot of hair, the hoopak (slingshot/staff/spear weapon of awesome), and the expression of fun and joy. Kender are the epitome of carefree, awesome living.

 

My goal this challenge is to get back to my awesome old self and be as kendery as I possibly can be.

Kendery is not a word. I don't think kender is a word either.

 

Kender is a word. You shut your mouth.

 

Okay, okay. So, how do you become more kendery?

 

My goals for this challenge will be based on the four main qualities of kender. These are...

 

1. Fearlessness

 

Kender are known throughout the world as being fear free. Unless you are afflicted (poor you) then you get to live an awesome life doing things you love because you're not afraid to walk into a dragon's mouth to see how sharp its molars are (turns out they're pretty damn sharp.)  My goal for fearlessness is:

• Writing (CHA +2, CON +2)

I will write every day. Finish my NaNoWriMo, write poems, whatever it takes. I won't let fear of rejection and being the worse writer in the history of writing stand in the way of doing something I've always wanted to do.

 

2. Joie de Vivre

 

Joy of living. Kender are happy and optimistic to the point of being annoying. They love life and hate boredom. Everything is new and exciting and wonderful to them. That's what life is all about. My goal for Joie de Vivre is:

• Parkour (DEX + 4, CHA +1)

Parkour is something I've always wanted to do and now I have the ability to take regular classes. I must do parkour class at least once a week.

 

3. Kleptomania

 

There are some people, LIARS I CALL THEM, who say that kender are thieves. They claim that we steal whatever isn't nailed down and have no concept of property. The worst thing you can call a kender is a thief. We are not thieves. We are curious. We see something that interests us and we just have to have it. We can't help it if you can't keep hold of your stuff. Stop blaming us. My goal for kleptomania is:

• Stea...I mean borrow ideas from other people. (DEX +4)

Each week I will take an idea from someone else in the rebellion and make it mine. If it's interesting and it sounds fun, I will attempt to do it too. Is that your challenge in my pouch? You must have dropped it.

 

4. Wanderlust

 

If anything defines a kender, it is wanderlust. All kender love travelling around and looking for adventure. Even the afflicted kender have itchy feet and dream of far off lands. We love meeting new people and seeing the world. My goal for wanderlust is:

• Running (CON +4)

I have signed up for 2 races. A 5 mile race on Thanksgiving about halfway through the challenge and a 12k at the end of the challenge.  Running is a good way to celebrate it NOT being a billion degrees outside and is a great way to travel and meet new people and find shiny objects at the end to add to my collection of awesome things.

 

I also have a few background goals which include Whole30 diet the whole time. Except for Thanksgiving. So Whole51 and going to the gym. These are things that are already habits for me, but I feel like I need to include.

 

Finally! We get to the actual challenge! Took long enough!

 

 

Okay. I'm sorry. I wish you the best of luck. And your hair back.

 

Thank you. I look forward to this challenge with as much gusto as a broken kender can manage. I will keep you updated...

 

Goody...

 

Like I said, I will keep you updated on what will happen on this adventure! May you always find a dragon to poke and may Uncle Tas always guide your way.

 

Thanks?

 

You're welcome. Now let's go!

 

[Relic]

Ahh! I laughed, I cried, I snortled. You are one gif-ted storyteller, I am rooting for your re-kenderfication.

[OrangeJorwell]

Your challenge reminds me of a Cracked article. I thoroughly enjoyed reading it and laughed out loud several times. Seriously. People are looking at me funny right now. That's awesome about the parkour class! I'm jealous. Also, dragons don't have molars, so I have no idea what you were looking at.

[Nymeria]

Subbed for the entertainment value.  You're so fantastic at the creative and funny write-ups. 

[obax]

I'm with Nymeria. Your challenge is full of awesome, both writing-wise and goal-wise. Can't wait to follow along!!

[Devyn]

Ahh! I laughed, I cried, I snortled. You are one gif-ted storyteller, I am rooting for your re-kenderfication.

 

 

Your challenge reminds me of a Cracked article. 

 

It's probably the pictures with subtitles under them. Hallmark Cracked.

 

 

 

I thoroughly enjoyed reading it and laughed out loud several times. Seriously. People are looking at me funny right now. That's awesome about the parkour class! I'm jealous. Also, dragons don't have molars, so I have no idea what you were looking at. 

 

 

Parkour is awesome. And how do you know dragons don't have molars? Have you ever been in a dragon's mouth?

 

 

Subbed for the entertainment value.  You're so fantastic at the creative and funny write-ups. 

 

You are too sweet. Thank you.

 

 

I'm with Nymeria. Your challenge is full of awesome, both writing-wise and goal-wise. Can't wait to follow along!!

 

[Cheechoe]

You got a lol outta me.

 

Sub-a-Dub-Dubbed.

[the 13th letter]

This looks promising. +1 sub.

[catspaw]

Subscribed.

[Leithient]

Running and writing... very good challenges, I like them. Parkour sounds funny, too, but it sounds difficult. Did you practised it before or are you a 'newbie'?

 

By the way, awesome the way you've posted your goals.

[Loren Wade]

Obviously I need to find out what these Kender things are. That said, I love your challenge and excited for you. I'll be selfish a little and look for any hints/tips on writing.

[vibrantnotions]

Well done!

 

I heart heart heart your goals and the spirit behind them.

[cavemom]

Subbing for the gifs.  Did you have other stuff on this thread too?  I hardly noticed.  But really, I also like your goals.  Good stuff.

[Fearkiller]

The pics, especially the pencil drawn ones,

and the virtual hug. Aww!

 

Then I thought I might become a kender too at some point.

Well, except the kleptomania, maybe.

Edit: Never mind, it already catches, as I downloaded the

virtual hug picture

 

And just noticed the tags: "kenderparkour", "general badassery"

[Devyn]

You got a lol outta me.

 

Sub-a-Dub-Dubbed.

 

 

This looks promising. +1 sub.

 

I shall try not to disappoint.

 

 

Subscribed.

 

 

Running and writing... very good challenges, I like them. Parkour sounds funny, too, but it sounds difficult. Did you practised it before or are you a 'newbie'?

 

By the way, awesome the way you've posted your goals.

 

I am a parkour newbie. I've taken a class before, but it's not been a regular thing.

 

Thank you so much! 

 

Obviously I need to find out what these Kender things are. That said, I love your challenge and excited for you. I'll be selfish a little and look for any hints/tips on writing.

 

You so need to find out what these kender things are. They're awesome things. I wouldn't take any tips from me, I'm about 14,000 words behind and what I do have isn't great.  But I won't let that stop me!

 

Well done!

 

I heart heart heart your goals and the spirit behind them.

 

 

Subbing for the gifs.  Did you have other stuff on this thread too?  I hardly noticed.  But really, I also like your goals.  Good stuff.

 

What? I can't hear you over my gifs.

 

 

The pics, especially the pencil drawn ones,

and the virtual hug. Aww!

 

Then I thought I might become a kender too at some point.

Well, except the kleptomania, maybe.

Edit: Never mind, it already catches, as I downloaded the

virtual hug picture

 

And just noticed the tags: "kenderparkour", "general badassery"

 

Drawings are done by my friend Iket because he doesn't hate drawing like I do.  And he's way better at it. Else you'd be getting stick figures. And not even the cool ones like on xkcd.

BTW YOU TOTALLY SHOULD BECOME A KENDER BECAUSE KENDER ARE THE GREATEST EVER AND YOUR NAME IS FEARKILLER WHICH IS THE MOST PERFECTEST KENDER NAME!!!

[Fearkiller]

BTW YOU TOTALLY SHOULD BECOME A KENDER BECAUSE KENDER ARE THE GREATEST EVER

AND YOUR NAME IS FEARKILLER WHICH IS THE MOST PERFECTEST KENDER NAME!!!

 

It's a deal then! 2014 I shall strive to be a Kender, and I will see

what can be done to my current goals

to make them more Kenderish.

 

I've always wanted elfin ears anyway...

[Devyn]

It's a deal then! 2014 I shall strive to be a Kender, and I will see

what can be done to my current goals

to make them more Kenderish.

 

I've always wanted elfin ears anyway...

 

Commenting on your challenge....

 

Super excited to have more kender!

 

Kender haterz beware! We are multiplying!

[OrangeJorwell]

Kender haterz beware! We are multiplying!

Uh-oh, I should make a note of this. Now who stole my pen?

[Vella]

Brilliant!  Entertaining read all the way.

 

*waves* from a fellow Parkour newbie and writer, who has incorporated those things into her challenges.

Definitely subbing for the inspiration.

[laurabzz]

Woo awesome thread so far! Hope you have maaaany gifs stored for use though haha. Good luck!

[Devyn]

Week 1: Treat Yo Self

 

 

"Wow, you don't look so good."  

That was the first thing Belladonna told me when she saw me. She wasn't wrong. I was weak and half-starved, scarred, dirty and bruised. It would take a while for me to recover.

 

Belladonna told me that she would do everything she could to help me recover, after forcing me to negotiate with her for hours in the state that I was in. Bloody afflicted kender.

After I agreed to become commander of her army once I was on my feet again, she gave me the best advice anyone has ever given anyone else in the history of advice.

 

I'm totally getting that Batman costume, then.

 

I asked her where she had gotten that magic piece of wisdom. She told me she found it written on a scroll that fell out of the pocket of a pixie assassin.

 

She handed me a scroll and I read it.  "It does't say anything about treating yo self."

Then Belladonna explained to me that sometimes you have to give yourself real rewards in order to feel better about getting things done. It made a lot of sense. I never thought of it that way before.  So I decided that this week would be all about treating myself.

 

What does all this mean?

 

I totally st...I mean borrowed Elastigirl's idea about collecting things when she reaches her goals. I decided to turn it into rewarding myself at the end and collecting a real life item. I'll continue with this once per week until the very end where I'll reward myself with something awesome.  This week's reward:

Invisible people!

 

I've always wanted this Runner 5 shirt. Some of you probably recognize it as a t-shirt from the popular running app "Zombies, Run!"  This is to celebrate running again and that I finally have a phone updated to an android version that will run season 2.  Zombies, Run! got me through my half-marathon training so I am going to have a blast doing this again and getting this reward at the end.

To get this reward, I must do Parkour twice this week, do 3 days of running, and write 21,000 words by Sunday.  And of course, save my money so I can actually buy the thing. 

 

I'm pumped up and ready to start this thing!


 

[Devyn]

Uh-oh, I should make a note of this. Now who stole my pen?

 

I have no idea what you're talking about. Hey! I just found a cool pen in my bag!

 

Brilliant!  Entertaining read all the way.

 

*waves* from a fellow Parkour newbie and writer, who has incorporated those things into her challenges.

Definitely subbing for the inspiration.

 

Thank you so much. I hope I don't let you down in the future.

 

Woo awesome thread so far! Hope you have maaaany gifs stored for use though haha. Good luck!

 

I have ALL THE GIFS

 

[alienjenn]

.... dev! You can be rekenderified! You got this!

(sent by the phone. .. all mistakes are the phones fault)

[Cheechoe]

Double Parkour!!

 

 

 

When will you wear those long sleeve shirts in Houston?

[the 13th letter]

Ha, that's exactly the same thing I thought when I started writing story segments and then others (OH HAI CHEECHOE) began demanding more.