[Sambie Wlks] The "I'm Still Here" Challenge

[Thilde]

Well, my last challenge, the theme of which was “Finish The Damn Challenge†failed pretty spectacularly.  I finished half the challenge, basically -- which means I didn't finish the challenge.  When the end of week 3 rolled around, it was like a switch flipped in my head and that was the end of that.  So, what HAVE I done successfully?  

• I continue to attend belly dance classes weekly.  This group of ladies and our weekly class have become significant parts of my week now.  
• I did finish reading “If You Had Controlling Parents†by Dan Neuharth.  This book was really, really helpful.
• I flossed and rinsed a lot more often than usual; it hasn’t been daily, but it was daily for the first three weeks and then 2-3 times per week most of the rest of the weeks.  That’s still a lot more flossing and rinsing than before the challenge.

 

The past 8 weeks of my life have been the hardest I have ever encountered and have seen some major life changes.  My family and I currently are not speaking, at my request; their behavior back in September was simply too hurtful and I could not go on pretending that nothing had happened, even though that seemed to be what they desperately wanted to do.  Three days ago I mailed two handwritten cards: one to my parents, and one to one of my brothers.  I toiled for many long hours, writing and rewriting drafts until all the vitriol was gone and all that was left was my sadness.  I simply told them that I loved them, but that they had hurt me too much to go on without some sort of acknowledgement or amends, and that I would not be returning their repeated calls because the telephone is too vulnerable and unsafe.  I invited them to open a new email exchange with me if they would like to try again from scratch.  I sent the letters for me; the ring of my phone and the blinking voicemail light had become triggers, spiking my amygdala into fight-or-flight in seconds flat.  I entered this situation with my family in September never wanting to hurt anybody; I tried my best to avoid hurting them but in the process I did not protect myself.  Things have changed, and we can’t go back to the way it was.  This is the new normal.  I’m not harboring any rose-colored hopes that my letters somehow contain the magic words to make my family come around to seeing that I’m not an abominable snowman.  The letter simply represents me walking away in order to protect myself.  

 

My body is wrecked.  My sleep is nonexistant; at the time of this writing, I am going on three nights of horrendous sleep, with last night being the maraschino cherry on this sundae of suck: maybe 4 nonconsecutive hours of sleep.  My eating is all over the place.  Sometimes it’s emotional eating and sometimes it’s just exhaustion leading me to grab whatever’s handy.  It's almost all bread, dairy, and sugar. SO many digestive issues.  My physical activity, aside from belly dance and the occasional yoga session, has been nonexistant too.  I feel very, very old.

 

I actually thought I missed this challenge.  I logged onto NF today to update my profile so that my NF friends would know that I am okay and just taking a break for a bit.  But when I saw that the current challenge doesn’t start until tomorrow, I thought that maybe I will join in and try, try again. Oh, and I'm back with the Rangers; I started out a Ranger, and I think I will always be a Ranger at my core.

 

Main Goal: Feel Better - Improve Sleep and Reduce Stomach Issues

 

The theory behind the action steps: based on my daily patterns, sleep and stomach concerns will be best addressed by adding physical activity back into my day and by honing in on healthy meals while cutting back on the foods that I know I have a sensitivity to.  By the end of the challenge, I would like to be off the sleeping pills and I would like to have no or infrequent stomach issues.

 

Action Steps:

1.  Complete an off-skate derby training (bodyweight) workout 3x per week

2.  Eat one meal per day that is grain-free, dairy-free, and sugar-free.  

3.  Belly dance: class 1x per week, practice session 1x per week

 

LQ - Play more games:  I love games, specifically tabletop games.  Gaming is consistently one of the most successful and longest-lasting mood boosters for me.  Tabletop gaming provides social interaction, gets my brain going, and uses creativity.  And it’s fun as heck.  I want to play games on at least 2 nights a week.

 

SQ - attend Get In Gear Night at Derby Lite on Nov 19 with my friend Stacey.  This is an intro night to Derby Lite, which is a roller derby-based group and fitness class.  It can be just a fitness class, or it can be used as a training tool for skaters who want to try out for Maine Roller Derby, depending on the interests/abilities of the skater. The next session Derby Lite classes start in January. My derby training action step above is hopefully going to be a good way to tap into the fun of derby training while prepping for the weekly classes in 2014. I find I do best when my workouts are training for something, and I have to confess finally that I simply do not like running enough to keep training for races.

 

I'm putting simplified updates below in this initial post, to hopefully counteract the tendency to stop posting completely around week 4. If I post full updates and interact with others on my thread, awesomesauce; if not, at least I can put the basic goal updates here.

 

Nov 11-17

Derby Training:  1/3 training sessions

Meals:  5/7 days with 1 meal grain-free, sugar-free, dairy-free (mostly breakfasts)

Belly Dance: 1/1 class, 0/1 practice session.

Gaming:  I lost count; played MTG most days.  I'm going to say 5/7 days.

 

Nov 18-24

Derby Training:

Meals:

Belly Dance:

Gaming:

Get In Gear Night:  ATTENDED and omg it was so awesome you guys.

 

Nov 25-Dec1

Derby Training:

Meals:

Belly Dance:

Gaming:

 

Dec 2-8 [in Austin 4th-11th]

Derby Training:

Meals:

Belly Dance:

Gaming:

 

Dec 9-15 [in Austin 4th-11th]

Derby Training:

Meals:

Belly Dance:

Gaming:

 

Dec 16-22

Derby Training:

Meals:

Belly Dance:

Gaming:

[cline]

Glad to have you back!! You are such a groovy ranger!!!

[erawka]

Sambie! I'm so glad you're back! 

 

I'm also really impressed at you confronting your family in as sensitive and productive a way as you could. It's so hard to confront family, and it's hard for them to hear you as any person other than either [a] the person you were as a kid or  the person they believe you are. Staying grounded (to the extent it's possible) with belly dance and yoga is great. You're great. We like you a lot. *hugs*

[ShadowLion]

Hi, Sambie! Glad you are back and have picked such good goals to move forward on taking care of yourself. Yay, Rangers!

[Terinatum]

I'm here because of the amazing courage I read in your first post. You are walking a path that is ultimately a life saver. Yours. Best. Teri

[afflictionreckoning]

SAMBIE! Welcome back! I'll be joining you in a "finish the damn challenge" sort of challenge. I'm sorry about what you've been going through with your family. I obviously don't know the details, but I went through something similar when I was in college with my family. At the time, I thought I would never speak to them again and the relationship was permanently broken. We've managed to mend it over the years though. It's a hard thing to go through when people are always talking about how important family is and that family should always stick together and all that jazz. But sometimes we just need to walk away from each other. I think the break was the best thing that ever happened for all of us. It gave us all time to re-evaluate and think about the other side of the story.

 

You should take this time now to focus on yourself. I know what it's like to put a hundred percent into something only to have your heartbroken by the people who should love you the most. All of the emotions that you hid away are coming out and it's okay. It's better that they do. But let them come out and then do something that gives you joy. It will allow you to recover from this. Have fun with roller derby because that sounds wicked awesome!

[Loren Wade]

Well, I am glad to see you back. Here's to a successful 42 days.

 

I know you can do it.

[vibrantnotions]

I'm glad you are back and are working on doing what you need to do to take care of yourself.  You've had a rough time but I feel like you've handled it with grace towards others and I really respect that.

[Thilde]

Glad to have you back!! You are such a groovy ranger!!!

 Thanks!

 

Sambie! I'm so glad you're back! 

 

I'm also really impressed at you confronting your family in as sensitive and productive a way as you could. It's so hard to confront family, and it's hard for them to hear you as any person other than either [a] the person you were as a kid or  the person they believe you are. Staying grounded (to the extent it's possible) with belly dance and yoga is great. You're great. We like you a lot. *hugs*

Thanks, friend.  In going through all this, I realized that this is literally the first time I have ever contradicted my parents.  About anything.  In 31 years.  So no wonder it's so gorramn hard.  

 

And you're pretty great too, y'know.  

 

Hi, Sambie! Glad you are back and have picked such good goals to move forward on taking care of yourself. Yay, Rangers!

Thanks!  

 

I'm here because of the amazing courage I read in your first post. You are walking a path that is ultimately a life saver. Yours. Best. Teri

Thanks Teri!  

 

SAMBIE! Welcome back! I'll be joining you in a "finish the damn challenge" sort of challenge. I'm sorry about what you've been going through with your family. I obviously don't know the details, but I went through something similar when I was in college with my family. At the time, I thought I would never speak to them again and the relationship was permanently broken. We've managed to mend it over the years though. It's a hard thing to go through when people are always talking about how important family is and that family should always stick together and all that jazz. But sometimes we just need to walk away from each other. I think the break was the best thing that ever happened for all of us. It gave us all time to re-evaluate and think about the other side of the story.

 

You should take this time now to focus on yourself. I know what it's like to put a hundred percent into something only to have your heartbroken by the people who should love you the most. All of the emotions that you hid away are coming out and it's okay. It's better that they do. But let them come out and then do something that gives you joy. It will allow you to recover from this. Have fun with roller derby because that sounds wicked awesome!

Thanks!  And you hit the nail right on the head.  I hope that we do mend the relationship over the years.  I just know that I can't be the only one doing the mending anymore.

 

Well, I am glad to see you back. Here's to a successful 42 days.

 

I know you can do it.

 Thanks, Loren!

 

I'm glad you are back and are working on doing what you need to do to take care of yourself.  You've had a rough time but I feel like you've handled it with grace towards others and I really respect that.

Thank you.    I am trying!  

[wesb1898]

YEEEEEES!  Sambie is back and training for Derby!  Derby is the most badass thing there is, so good for you!

[nightlight]

ok. just catching up here.

i completely hear you on the family stuff. i send you many hugs. i'm currently out of touch with my dad because of some things that i haven't talked about on the boards, but i completely feel your pain. 

 

your goals look fun. derby looks great!!

[Thilde]

Wait, I just remembered I'm a BAMF....  
 
27F outside, dusk.
Jog
3 rounds squats/inc. pushups/planks
Jog
Walk

 

Related: Being outside, alone, in the woods, in the almost-dark, on a clear night, with the moon risen oven the mountains in front of you, when "Thriller" comes up next on the playlist, is creepy as hell.  "Creeeeaaaakk....."


 

[EmCee]

Best of luck, Sambie... especially with your family. It took me a good ten years to get back to having a functioning and healthy relatioinship with my father. Unfortunately, my mother and I are still estranged. It's tough because you know it shouldn't be like this, yet it is and sometimes it's better that way. Big hugs to you and I hope you get a response from them that does not set you off. <3 

[afflictionreckoning]

Those Maine dusk/night runs can be a bit creepy... especially when you think about where Stephen King draws inspiration from. =)

 

And yes, you are a BAMF!!!

[Loren Wade]

Totes a bamf.

[Absidey]

<3

 

I hope it gets easier for you. I'm also having family issues, but I'm just going the head-in-the-sand, everything-is-fine route because I'm a chicken, and even that is heartbreaking. I feel for you. I hope your family finds their courage and compassion; you certainly inherited/learned heaps of it from someone! =D

 

Totes a bamf.

 

quoted for truth!

[Thilde]

Best of luck, Sambie... especially with your family. It took me a good ten years to get back to having a functioning and healthy relatioinship with my father. Unfortunately, my mother and I are still estranged. It's tough because you know it shouldn't be like this, yet it is and sometimes it's better that way. Big hugs to you and I hope you get a response from them that does not set you off. <3 

Thanks.    I so rarely use email that I have decided that I will only be checking my email on Saturdays for a few weeks or months.  Saturdays are the best days for potential issues to happen because Josh is home and I don't have to work.  I used up more than half of my vacation time in Sept dealing with this, because the aftermath made me so ill on several days, and I refuse to allow that to happen again.  So, for now, I'm only checking my email on Saturdays and I will deal with any new messages from my family then.

 

Those Maine dusk/night runs can be a bit creepy... especially when you think about where Stephen King draws inspiration from. =)

 

And yes, you are a BAMF!!!

LOL yep I think about that all the time...when people have no idea where I live, I just say "I live where Stephen King's characters go slowly insane."  lol. 

 

Totes a bamf.

  Haha, thanks!

 

<3

 

I hope it gets easier for you. I'm also having family issues, but I'm just going the head-in-the-sand, everything-is-fine route because I'm a chicken, and even that is heartbreaking. I feel for you. I hope your family finds their courage and compassion; you certainly inherited/learned heaps of it from someone! =D

 

I feel you.  I did the everything-is-fine route for 10 years for a number of reasons, and I still feel that was the kindest route for my family.  I would have continued to carry on this way forever if my dad hadn't started the Email War of 2013, and I think doing that would have been fine even though it was hurting me in some ways.  My dad backed me into a corner and I was forced to tell the truth about myself (because I'm not going to lie), knowing full well that my family's worldview does not contain enough elasticity to expand to include me in a respectful, mutually-appreciative way.  The past 8 weeks have been the most trying of my life...my current physical state is a testament to that.  But I do not regret any of it.  I am glad I put in so many hours, and so many drafts, crafting every response, because now when I look back, I can solidly say that I conducted myself with respect, kindness, honor, integrity, and love toward them from start to finish.   Not once did I descend into rage, ad hominem attacks, or irrational emotionality.  Not once did I do or say anything in hasty reactivity.  I mean, yes, I raged to myself, in my house.  I raged to Josh and to my friend who is going through similar things with his family.  Rage is there, but I never let it overpower me.  Even though it is heartbreaking that I no longer have a real relationship with my family, I would never go back in time and wish my dad never sent the email.  I needed to tell them the truth; it was just time, for me.  It has been an interesting exercise in carrying two conflicting realities at the same time, without giving one preference over the other.  This has been heartbreaking and liberating at the same time.  I would not wish that this never happened, nor would I change any of my behavior.  The thing is, the email exchange didn't cause a chasm in the relationship; it merely revealed the chasm that was already there.  I am at a place now where I would rather know the reality of this relationship, than go on pretending it's something else.  There is no other conflict in my life thus far where I can truly look back without regrets, even though the outcome was not ideal.  Ideal doesn't exist.  We're all just people and this is just my experience; there is no rule about what each person should do in their lives with their relationships.  I wish you strength with whatever you decide; there is no right or wrong.  There is only harm, and not-harm, and when considering the harm/not-harm continuum, one has to be sure to include oneself.  Be kind to yourself, Abs.    Because you're awesome, and you deserve kindness.

[wesb1898]

In the woods in Maine at night sounds like everything perfect in the world.  Flat land and humidity just don't cut it.

[Thilde]

In the woods in Maine at night sounds like everything perfect in the world.  Flat land and humidity just don't cut it.

Yeah not gonna lie, where I live is pretty perfect in terms of outdoorsness.    I live on top of a ridge with a valley in front of me.  When I walk my dogs in the clear pitch dark night, I can look out over the valley and see all of Orion at eye level.  I can't imagine ever moving back to place that isn't high up like this.  I love it here.    You're welcome to come visit any old time!  See what life is like up here in Stephen King's country.

[Absidey]

You speaks truths! I'm going to paste that into an email to myself and read it periodically to see if I'm ready. For the moment, it's enough that I'm a couple states away now. =) I'm in awe of you though. My temper would have gotten the best of me a dozen times over.

 

Good luck this round! You can do it!

[Leithient]

Welcome back! I'm very happy of reading you again. My best desires for your challenge, I think you could achieve it (remember, because you said you would). We are going to be here when you need some support or just reading what you have to say about your family. I understand you. It's sad that realionships with people so important to us like our familiy were in that way, but your happiness and your health are first. Fix your environment and then try to manage your family issues.

[Georges]

 

 

LQ - Play more games:  I love games, specifically tabletop games.  Gaming is consistently one of the most successful and longest-lasting mood boosters for me.  Tabletop gaming provides social interaction, gets my brain going, and uses creativity.  And it’s fun as heck.  I want to play games on at least 2 nights a week.

 

 

 

I couldn't help but read "Play more games" in Wil Wheaton's voice...

Also, Mr.Georges just ordered Betrayal at House on the Hill on Amazon.  (I'm not sure how long it'll take to get here.)

[Thilde]

I couldn't help but read "Play more games" in Wil Wheaton's voice...

Also, Mr.Georges just ordered Betrayal at House on the Hill on Amazon.  (I'm not sure how long it'll take to get here.)

 

OMG I WANT THAT GAME!  As soon as I watched those episodes of Tabletop (I watch that show weekly, LOVE IT), I put Betrayal in my wish list on Amazon.  Which isn't unusual.  I am pretty sure every game from Tabletop has ended up in my wishlist.  So far I've actually gotten Elder Sign, Gloom, StarrFlux, and Forbidden Island.  Mostly right now we're playing a lot of Magic: The Gathering.  

 

And yes, I wrote "Play more games" in Wil Wheaton's voice.  

[Thilde]

GAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHH FAAAAAAAAARRRKK FARK FARK FARK FARKING FARK.

 

rough day at work today.  I ate a lot of sh*t.  A lot of sugar.  No caffeine though, despite the delicious smell of coffee throughout the entire training, so yay me.  I mitigated the damage somewhat by not doing both caffeine AND sugar.  

 

Re: work and life I feel super not-confident.  Today is the 2-months-exactly mark re: family stuff.  Blargh.  Long week, a lot of home visits at work, capped off with a super stressful training today, and then the whole server went down for the rest of the day.  I feel like a really old lady right now.  I feel like my mom.  Which is to say, I feel afraid.  Of everything.  Second-guessing everything, which is immobilizing.  Not bad@$s at all.

 

I did a manicure and put on bright teal glitter nail polish tonight.  It helps a bit.

 

Belly dance tomorrow, and I am looking forward to the session.  I got in one bodyweight workout and some jogging this week.  Doing pretty good with my meals, aside from today's donut-and-cupcake binge.  Breakfasts have been almost exclusively grain-free/sugar-free/dairy-free -- mostly sweet potato, poached egg, sun dried tomatoes, fresh herbs.  I enjoy that a lot and it really does make me feel better in the morning than anything else.  I am hoping by the end of challenge to be doing at least Breakfasts and possibly also lunches grain-free/sugar-free/dairy-free.

 

It's the weekend, huzzah!   

[EmCee]

It's the weekend, huzzah!   

 

I'll drink to that!

 

 

Re: Sugar binge... It's one day. Shake it off, girlfran!