Beginning a transformation...

[Reluctant Amazon]

Beginning a transformation that goes beyond fitness

 

Hello, fellow rebels.  I've been lurking around here for a little while and I've decided to poke my head up as I need help.

 

I'm transgendered.  I was born male, and have tried to ignore the feelings that I have a really strong need to express a feminine Identity.  This has come to a head recently with a tremendously worsening depression, and I have to face my great fear.  The fear that I am a woman, and may need to live as one to be happy.  I have no idea where this is going.  I don't want to deal with this.  I'd much rather stay as I am, but it isn't working.

 

But I'm not here for advice on that.

 

I'm here about fitness.

 

By biggest hurdle is the tremendous physical barrier I have constructed.  A wall of adipose tissue that is constructed so that I can just say, "I'm too tall ugly and fat to be a woman "  I am over 6' tall and over 400 lbs.

 

Even if I turn around six months from now and say, "No, I'm male, I was just temporarily crazy." My basic root level fitness problem is still that I need to lose weight ASAP.

 

To explain my name,  I don't want this.  This can lead to more pain and misery.

 

And at my height and build, I think I'm gonna have aim for a look somewhere between Xena, Wonder Woman and She-Hulk as my ultimate goal if this goes very far.

 

--Reluctant Amazon

[cavemum]

You have posted a topic, well done, you are on your way. In my experience getting fitter and stronger helps incredibly in lifting the mood state.

I wish you all the best in your journey ahead. Small steps at a time.. I have been following Nerd fitness for about 12 months and Steve's advice is as good at it gets in comparison to all the other blogs and wellness sites out there. 

I think your number 1 priority should be your health, focus on that for a while, let yourself have a rest from the gender emotions until you are strong and healthy enough to make a decision either way.

 

Good luck, I hope to come back soon and see how you are going.

Hoping next time to see you as the ARDENT AMAZON

[Reluctant Amazon]

It's just been a big step for me to admit this is even a real issue. I'm gonna try to focus on the immediately practical for a while

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

[Thom Stépan]

I have yet to write my own introduction, and was looking through others for a bit of an idea of what to write when I found yours.

You are facing a couple of major challenges. As you have decided, first sort out the fitness issue. Then sort out the gender issue, admitting there is an issue there is a massive first step well done. It takes a brave person to publicly acknowledge this. Which is why I had to comment on your post. Know this stranger supports you and the choice you make.

[Reluctant Amazon]

This isn't bravery.  It's survival.  I'm not choosing risk to gain reward.

 

It's very strange...

 

And I am a giant nerd.

 

These changes are going to change my outer mannerisms, my relationships, and a lot of who I am outside of my innermost sense of self.  I'm sort of of comfortable in my crappy depression.  I feel like I'm going to die and some else is taking my role.

 

I don't want to go...

 

(waits to see who gets i)

[Beaucastle]

From one Amazon to another.... embrace it.... being an Amazon isn't a bad thing.  Second if you have an old eye liner pencil (or can buy a cheapie one) write on your mirror... the one you look into when you don't want to really see what you look at but have to check to make sure all the bits and pieces are covered.

 

On that mirror .. write... I have value.....  I am beautiful....   I am worthy ....  I can love myself and find happiness. 

 

When you look at yourself critically in that mirror  .. read the words.  aloud if you can.  Say them over and over in your head.

 

You have some major hurdles to overcome fitness wise, and guess what.. we all do.. even those in great shape on this board had fitness issues just like you and I do.  One tiny step at a time.  Patience.. perserverance..and Trust that it does get better.

 

Stop listening to the viscious voice in the back of your head that tears out your self confidence and self esteem.. easier said than done, but every time you don't respond to it... is a win.  every time you do even the smallest thing to improve yourself is a win... gather those wins to you and focus on them. 

 

I wish you well and hope you find all you hope for yourself.

[Thom Stépan]

Fighting the black dog is its own battle. One that starts upon waking. That is a war I know well. From what I have seen, this group can help us fight that battle.

Already some of us are showing support through words on this thread. As you (and I) get fitter we will be better able to fight the Black Dog.

Oh and fez's are not cool, so the new you can't wear one. (Got the reference)

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[Reluctant Amazon]

"It's a dress.  I wear a dress now.  Dresses are cool."  <--- paraphrased quote

 

 

 

 

I'm liking my She-Hulk avatar.

[Beaucastle]

Good For YOU!!!   Proud that you have moved to a positive mind place.   Keep that going...

[Reluctant Amazon]

Oh wait.

That was confusing.

 

I'm not wearing a dress now.  I'm amusing myself by making weird transgendered Doctor Who references.

[Thom Stépan]

She hulks are cool.

Amusing yourself with comments is a good thing. You are getting past the oh F@#$ what have I said. And a dress is certainly cooler than a fez.

[Reluctant Amazon]

You are getting past the oh F@#$ what have I said. 

 

Well, no.  Y'see there is the "what the hell am I thinking?"

Which is, acknowledging my gender identification internally, HAS ELIMINATED MY DEPRESSION FOR THREE DAYS.

That's just mean!

 

The oh fuck what have I said is there is that "You just decided to online transition in front of everyone."

 

I'm glad I went to the trouble of concealing what my original male username was before I created this one...  I can jump back and hide...

[Thom Stépan]

From the comments I have read on your thread there is no need to hide. We all are supportive of your transition. That said the fitness goals are the first step regardless of your gender issue. You can succeed with these as the man or the Amazon.

 

The oh fuck what have I said is there is that "You just decided to online transition in front of everyone."

This is the oh f@#$ I was refering to.

[Reluctant Amazon]

I have a challenge posted.

 

http://rebellion.nerdfitness.com/index.php?/topic/40808-an-amazon-is-born-reluctant-amazon/

[Beaucastle]

either way... what ever you choose for yourself and find happiness and peace in your own mind space and body... is awesome.. I don't get many Dr Who references... 

 

as for the challenge   ..  *cheers*

[Hong WeiLoh]

 

These changes are going to change my outer mannerisms, my relationships, and a lot of who I am outside of my innermost sense of self.  I'm sort of of comfortable in my crappy depression.  I feel like I'm going to die and some else is taking my role.

 

I don't want to go...

 

(waits to see who gets i)

 

In a way that's almost exactly what happens, throughout your life. I mean, look back at who you were as a kid, as a teen, through your various life "stages", and you probably wouldn't be able to really "recognize" yourself in those people. Sure, there's similarities, but you're not that person anymore. That person is gone, and a new one exists now. Once you realize that it's pretty much a perfectly natural process thru time, it takes away a lot of the :scary:.

 

I'll give you an old Chinese parable...

Two old friends were walking through the woods and talking. Coming to a stream, they waded across, and upon arriving at the far bank, the first remarked to the second, "You know, you can never cross the same stream twice, because by the time you've crossed, it's changed." The other friend nodded sagely, and responded, "You can't cross the same stream once, because each of your footsteps in the stream changes it, too."

 

We're all kind of like that stream, constantly changing in seemingly minor ways. Given time, those small constant changes add up, and the stream ages later, is no longer recognizable. I think that's kinda the "kung-fu-philosophy" version of Steve's blogposts about "little changes".

[Reluctant Amazon]

http://rebellion.nerdfitness.com/index.php?/topic/40841-good-bye-grimmthing/

[Thom Stépan]

Well done Amazon. That is a massive step.

[Reluctant Amazon]

 

Even if I turn around six months from now and say, "No, I'm male, I was just temporarily crazy." My basic root level fitness problem is still that I need to lose weight ASAP.

 

 

Or maybe eight days.

[Beaucastle]

what happens in 8 days?

[Reluctant Amazon]

what happens in 8 days?

 

Eight days from that post I realized that this was a storm of crazy, and that I was behaving in an attention seeking manner, and not looking honestly at my situation.

[Beaucastle]

sometimes we just want to be noticed.  Reinforce the I exist in the world.   It happens.  

[Reluctant Amazon]

Nerd Fitness member in a messed up state wants help, but not in a public forum.  send me a PM if you are willing to let me blather about my life over email.

[Thom Stépan]

Then focus on the weight loss. Which is still your primary purpose for joining nerd fitness. I said before I support you and yout decision. So get out there and build your body faster and stronger. You can do it, I believe in you.

[BeautifulBeast]

From one Amazon to another.... embrace it.... being an Amazon isn't a bad thing.  Second if you have an old eye liner pencil (or can buy a cheapie one) write on your mirror... the one you look into when you don't want to really see what you look at but have to check to make sure all the bits and pieces are covered.

 

On that mirror .. write... I have value.....  I am beautiful....   I am worthy ....  I can love myself and find happiness. 

 

When you look at yourself critically in that mirror  .. read the words.  aloud if you can.  Say them over and over in your head.

 

You have some major hurdles to overcome fitness wise, and guess what.. we all do.. even those in great shape on this board had fitness issues just like you and I do.  One tiny step at a time.  Patience.. perserverance..and Trust that it does get better.

 

Stop listening to the viscious voice in the back of your head that tears out your self confidence and self esteem.. easier said than done, but every time you don't respond to it... is a win.  every time you do even the smallest thing to improve yourself is a win... gather those wins to you and focus on them. 

 

I wish you well and hope you find all you hope for yourself.

 

This. All of this. I am was born a girl but I am an amazon. I'm freaking HUGE haha. I've lost over 100 pounds at this point and all it's done is give me gigantic muscles. You hear the term 'big boned' a lot and people argue if it exists or not. Trust me, big boned is exactly what I am haha. It took me a long while to let go of the dream of having a model body, I will never be petite, or 'skinny' and I am okay with that. I am very happy to have the body I have now. It just took me a long long, long time of overcoming the bully in my head to get there. You're journey is a long one, but with time, hope and support you can get there. Embrace it  and  one day you'll realize that amazons freaking rock!