Mel_Issa's Journal

[Tehya]

Here it is day one and I am already dreading this challenge.  I am just not mentally ready for it.  Plus I did something so my lower back is really hurting today.    Oh well sometimes you just have to suck it up and deal with pain right?

 

I will write more later.

[Teros]

You should never dread challenges. They're designed to be something a bit challenging, but easy enough to be fun to make progress.  Why are you dreading it? 

[Tehya]

TerosX,

I'm just dreading it because I'm not mentally ready for it.  I can't seem to get past the hurdle of getting it so that I am motivated to work out.  That is where my struggle always is.  I have no one physically here that I can let down by NOT doing my workout.  I have a big fear of disappointing people, so I will do everything in my power not to do that.  

 

******

Other notes:

 

I had to cancel my therapy appointment for yesterday because I didn't trust my car to start to get there or get home due to the cold weather.  Goodness knows that I really could have used it after what happened to me on December 28th.  I needed her help getting my thoughts straightened out.  I don't know what I need to do to help get Big K --- my 14 year old - to stop always throwing the attitudes towards her dad and myself.   It is more towards her dad, but then he calls me complaining so I get drawn into the middle  of it.  I am trying so hard to not say anything bad about her father, but dang when he is constantly saying bad things about me to her, it is really hard.  He keeps saying that he is just telling her the truth.  UGH I don't know what to do.

[Teros]

It's been insanely cold out so I know what you mean about having to cancel. 

 

I really think that there's a lot of pressure you put on yourself; especially in terms of workouts.  Especially since you hurt your back, maybe you should scratch some of the goals and tweak what you're plans are going to be.  Keep in mind that diet is 80% of the battle.  Workouts are just a little icing.  If you don't really feel the urge to work out, it could be a lot of factors, so maybe you should focus on addressing them first.

 

Maybe something like:

 

1) Sleeping goal- have a certain time to get to bed and wake up every day.

 

2) Journaling/Meditation/Stretching - Pick any of these to do for 20 minutes.

 

3) Drinking right - Something about cutting out all bad drinks and only drinking water

 

4) Eating right- pick a problem area you have with food like eating a certain # more of vegetables, or cutting out more carbs.

 

Optional- Go for a walk when you first wake up for 20 minutes. No more, no less.

 

 

If you build on those and do them every day for 6 weeks then your energy should change.  Then if you hit all of these out of the park and beat this challenge- next challenge start a couch to 5k program or maybe start with free-weights at home and doing some bodyweight exercises.

 

 

I say all this because you remind me a LOT like my mom.  She gets very angry with herself and will tell herself, "I'm going to change EVERYTHING" and then does way too much, too fast, and because she can't do all of it- she beats herself up and dreads doing ANYTHING like 2 weeks later.

 

 

Honestly, change the pace of your goals- focus way more on getting your body ready for working out- then NEXT challenge, try some heavy workout stuff.  There's no shame in going slow with these changes. In fact, the slower the changes, the more likely you are to stick with them.

[Tehya]

It's been insanely cold out so I know what you mean about having to cancel. 

 

I really think that there's a lot of pressure you put on yourself; especially in terms of workouts.  Especially since you hurt your back, maybe you should scratch some of the goals and tweak what you're plans are going to be.  Keep in mind that diet is 80% of the battle.  Workouts are just a little icing.  If you don't really feel the urge to work out, it could be a lot of factors, so maybe you should focus on addressing them first.

 

Maybe something like:

 

1) Sleeping goal- have a certain time to get to bed and wake up every day.

 

2) Journaling/Meditation/Stretching - Pick any of these to do for 20 minutes.

 

3) Drinking right - Something about cutting out all bad drinks and only drinking water

 

4) Eating right- pick a problem area you have with food like eating a certain # more of vegetables, or cutting out more carbs.

 

Optional- Go for a walk when you first wake up for 20 minutes. No more, no less.

 

 

If you build on those and do them every day for 6 weeks then your energy should change.  Then if you hit all of these out of the park and beat this challenge- next challenge start a couch to 5k program or maybe start with free-weights at home and doing some bodyweight exercises.

 

 

I say all this because you remind me a LOT like my mom.  She gets very angry with herself and will tell herself, "I'm going to change EVERYTHING" and then does way too much, too fast, and because she can't do all of it- she beats herself up and dreads doing ANYTHING like 2 weeks later.

 

 

Honestly, change the pace of your goals- focus way more on getting your body ready for working out- then NEXT challenge, try some heavy workout stuff.  There's no shame in going slow with these changes. In fact, the slower the changes, the more likely you are to stick with them.

 

You are right.  There is something else that is helping with the fact that I don't want to workout.  That is dealing with the emotions that I have had bottled up and continue to bottle up since third grade--- well as far as I can recall. I have come to realize that I need to get those out and start dealing with them in order to be able to be the person I want to become.  I will --- as I get stuff down for the first time -- more then likely be putting it all on here also.  Also after my "dream" yesterday, my challenge will be changing starting next week.  I will try to get it typed up tonight, provided my kids will allow me the time and I don't get called to go out and celebrate anything.  

 

Its not so much that I get angry with myself if I don't reach my goals, its more of the fact that I get disappointed in myself.  That disappointment causes me to get depressed, which causes me stop what I am doing.  That is why with this challenge I picked only one thing to focus on --- the workout. 

 

I think the only way for me to have a successful challenge is if I just force myself to do whatever my goal is for that challenge and then just build off it.  I have always wanted more then I could achieve so I have always had to work hard for what I have gotten, but I think - partially thanks to my parents - this is something that is going to take a lot more work then anything else I have ever gotten in my life.  I just need to face up to the challenge.  I need to lean on people instead of trying to do this alone.  I need to realize that even though I don't have anyone physically here, I have a bunch of people online who will do everything they can to help make sure that I will succeed.

[Tehya]

I AM BEAUTIFUL BECAUSE I AM ME!  I AM JUST THE WAY I AM SUPPOSE TO BE.

 

This is something that I am going to be repeating to myself everyday.  This is going to be how I get past the first issue that I have identified.

 

Last night - err - this morning I started to have a melt down while driving Becca home.  After sleeping, it came to me that I keep a lot of emotions bottled up inside and I'm to the point of exploding if I don't get them out.  Then I run into where to start.  After thinking I realize I need to go back to the frist first "bad" emotion I have and just start working fro there.

 

That emotion would be from 3rd grade when I moved to Minnetonka and started school at Clear Springs.  many of the "popular" kids - well at that time popular - decided to call me "flat face" and make fun of my eyes saying they look like I'm Chinese.  That really hurt since I was brand new to the district and all fo the kids.  Thinking about it now that is where my negative self image really started.  It was during that same year that one of the boys decided it was "okay" to snap my bra - really embarrassing since I was the only one in a bra at that age.  It really hurt.  I guess to this day I have never let go of that pain.  I don't know why I'm still holding on to those feelings.  Okay they have had enough time.  They are not going to be gone.  Yeah I know that will be easier said then done but I can't control how they treated me back then so why keep holding on to those feelings?

[Teros]

I'm very much like you in that I set myself up to do a lot and then if I slip up at all, I get discouraged and disappointed.  I think, "I should be BETTER than this, but I'm not and I SUCK"  And it just makes a vicious cycle.

 

I found this very interesting and it made me think about how I'm doing to do the spartan race in june. Skip to about 5:30.  Instead of using disappointment or frustration as motivation- you gratitude. 

 

[Tehya]

I'm very much like you in that I set myself up to do a lot and then if I slip up at all, I get discouraged and disappointed.  I think, "I should be BETTER than this, but I'm not and I SUCK"  And it just makes a vicious cycle.

 

I found this very interesting and it made me think about how I'm doing to do the spartan race in june. Skip to about 5:30.  Instead of using disappointment or frustration as motivation- you gratitude. 

 

 

Brain wash yourself.... I like that.  

 

Thanks Terosx

[Teros]

Brain wash yourself.... I like that.  

 

Thanks Terosx

in a way, yes. It's like doing the wrong thing and predicting the ending before the beginning.  If you tell yourself 'this is the ending', then you tend to habitually make yourself think and act in a way that will make that the ending. 

 

It's the same psychological response as a 'self-fulfilling prophecy', only in this case, it's the positive version of it.

 

A lot of people will say, "i'm so dumb" and you think to yourself, "no they aren't".  But here's the kicker- they eventually WILL become dumb, because they are putting themselves down and deluding themselves.  This is using the same mental mechanic, but using it for good instead of bad.

 

Instead of self-sabatoge, invest in self-empowerment.

[Tehya]

1/9 Cont.

My parents weren't much help with the image of myself.  They never really encouraged me or made me go outside and get exercise.  That really hurts also.

 

1/10

My parents didn't do anything to help hat I'm trying to do now by doing that.  However, at the same time I could have taken the initiative to go out and do stuff.  At the same knowing how the family - my parents brothers and sisters look now (then?) they should have helped encourage it.  I am not sure if I am

 

1/12

Not sure If I am still upset with them or not about that.  I know that its not something that I am to happy about .  its something that I am also sorta passing down to my kids.  Mine however also has to deal with the lack of money.  I have to realize my parents are not responsible for who I am today and the decisions I am making.  No one is responsible for anything I do except for myself.

 

Another thing I need to deal with is the death of my grandmother when I was ten.  I never had a chance to say goodbye to her at all.  I understand plane tickets were/are expensive but you could have at least told me right away that she was cremated instead of letting me believe for years that she was buried somewhere and I would finally get a chance to say goodbye to her at the grave.  She and I were really close and connected.  Its really hard not having her in y life anymore.  Its really hard knowing I have her first every great grandchild - someone she won't get to meet until they are both in heaven.  I need to let go of the anger and resentment I have towards my parents and the lack of them being able to afford plane tickets for all of us to go to Texas for the funeral.  I should have driven down to Texas when my grandfather passed.  I should have went to his funeral at least.  I made a bad decision to miss that one - well someone aided in that decision.  But again its no ones fault but my own.  My grandmother and grandfather will always be with me so I shouldn't be upset over not being able to say good-bye to them.  I need to and am going to let that anger and resentment go.

 

So far I am letting the pain of the kids teasing me in third grade go because I am beautiful in my own way.  I am not going to blame my parents for not getting me to be more active as a child because that was also my fault for it not happening.  I am going to let it go about not going to my grandma or grandpa's funeral.  There are all things that I have no control over, especially since they have all happened in the past.  I had no control - well almost no control over - these things in the past so why should I let them control y present or future?  I am not going to any longer.  I can't - mentally, physically and emotionally, I can't any longer.

 

3rd grade, not encouraging exercising, grandparents.... lets see what other issues ----- lack of friends, possible molestation by family member, multiple rapes by ex-husband, verbal/mental abuse by ex-husband, ex-husbands multiple suicide attempts, ex-husbands mental stability issues without use of drugs, my past anger issues, attempted rape from a "friend".... I think that's it.  WOW.  I still have a lot to work though and get started on.  Getting everything out right now is going to be the start of me working on it.  I have a feeling that I am going to be depressed for quite a while as I am getting the stuff down for the first time.  After that it can only get better right?

[SnowWhite]

I'm really proud of you for being brave enough to write this and put it out in the open. It shows strength, hope and self-determination. Allow yourself to work through all of these emotions and all of this pain. Acknowledge it, work through it, let go of it.

[Teros]

Yeah, the more you bring it up, the less pain it causes. It takes a while to get over some big stuff like that.  I admire that you're taking your life back.  Hi, SnowWhite

[moomin]

Melissa, your journaling has been great. You've pointed out some deep issues here, that probably need time and emotional energy to sort through and let go of. Just putting your feelings into words will help you reflect and grow. Keep it up, either privately through your journal or here. We are always here to offer you support.

You haven't written for a few days though, how are you doing?

[Tehya]

1/13

So this morning I allowed myself to sleep in until 8:00am.  I woke up feeling good - feeling happy - feeling refreshed.  This feels wonderful.  I am actually excited for what the day - not future just the day - hold.  I am going to do things a day at a time from now on.  I think this new mindset will drastically help me.  Even with my stupid cramps for the fourth day, I am really happy.  I have missed feeling like this. I think having a daily game plan is helpin with the daily things in order.  The journalling is helping get everything out.

 

Lack of friends - humm my issue with that is right there - I don't really have any.  Why?  Because I am naturally very shy.  I need to figure out a way to over come that.

 

My therapist gave me a great quote "I am excited to be me because everybody else is taken."

 

1/15

It's been a couple days now since I journaled last.  Not much has happened other then me seeing my therapist.  I read more in the Breaking the cycle of abuse book that Sheri recommended to me.  Even though I am only done with the frist chapter, it has been a real eye opener.  I can totally see parts of myself and parts of Ed in what I have read so far.  That scares me.  I just really hope that I get everything figured out so that I am able to help the girls figure it out .  There was more tI was goin to write about but for the life of me right now I can't think of what it was.  

 

Well tonight - well afternoon - a friend found out an ex of her's was in jail due to haveing found to be in the possession of child pronography.  Scary part is she has a young son who this person was very close to.  I just hope nothing happened to Michael and the guy gets a lengthy prison sentence ans is dishonorably discharged from the military.

[Tehya]

OMG --- I'm going out tonight, not a big deal.  I'm going to a bar where not only will an ex-boyfriend whom I still totally love will probably be, but the same bar where my almost rapist will probably be at too!!!  I am SOOOOOO freaking out.  BUT I know that I have to face both of the and show them that they don't have any power over me or my ability to have fun anymore in order to heal.   I just hope I can get through the evening without totally freaking out and actually have fun while I am there.

[Teros]

Was there a reason you were going to that bar?  Is it to face your fears?  How did it go?

[Tehya]

Was there a reason you were going to that bar?  Is it to face your fears?  How did it go?

 

A friend needed a night out... she didn't me there though apparently because she ended up being on a date with a "friend".  But yes, I was also going there to face my fears.  It was ummmmm okay? I got there about 8 and left at 11.  My ex boyfriend ended up showing up and a Whitney Houston song sung by one of the people there, put me over the edge and brought me to tears.  I left shortly after that because I just couldn't handle it emotionally anymore.  Came home and got on IRC.  I talked to two really great guys.  Between the two of them, they convinced me that I need to report my rape.  Which I will be doing Monday morning.

[moomin]

You are BRAVE! Between facing your fears at the bar and reporting rape... You are one awesome lady. Remember that.

Sent from my GT-N7105 using Tapatalk

[Tehya]

1/16

I told a friend last night because I fell like she only wanted me to be her friend when she wanted.  I think I might have been over reacting.  It seems like that honestly though.  Now I don't know what to do about it.  On top of that I've just been felling kinda down lately.  I guess its more of just a lonely feeling.  Well lonely and stressed.  Trying to sort through everything that has happened to me and is currently happening to me is getting overwhelming.  I think I should really just spend one full night writing everything out so that I can process it more.  Maybe I will see if I can do that this weekend.

 

So a lack of friends has gotten me to the point where I feel lonely.  The few I consider friends really don't ask me to do anything with them so I sit at home either alone or with my kids all night.  When I do go out its just to a local bar and I sit there not really doing anything.  May my depression is worse then I think it is.  Maybe I am just so scared of history repeating itself that I won't give anyone a shot.

 

1/18

Went out last night.  It was good and bad.  Good part is that started over coming my fear and control that Jeremy and Will have over me.  I did good until someone sang "I will always love you" by Whitney Houston at that point I broke don.  Those were words Jeremy and I had said to each other several times.  Shortly after that I had to get out - between facing him and not knowing if my rapist would be there or not.

 

1/19

Okay so I need to really sit down and reflect upon this weekend.  First a friend finding out her ex-boyfriend has been charged with child porn.  I've been trying to help her through it.  Trying to be the key word.  She would rather talk to someone else , she would rather go and hang out with someone else, she would rather lie to me about the type of person she really is, she would rather lie to me about a lot of stuff.  She really doesn't apparently need me to be a friend anymore.  I guess i need her more then she needs me.  Guess its time to start limiting exactly what I do for and with her.  Which hurts because I stood up for her.  Oh well, when life gets hard you learn who your true friends are.  Then Friday night I went out to a bar where my rapist and an ex-boyfriend - whom I am still in love with - could have shown up.  Thankfully my rapist didn't show up, however my ex did.  I will say it was hard being there but I kept reminding myself that even though I still love him, we can never be together again.  We can't even be friends.  He just isn't healthy for me.  I got through the night though which I am very proud of myself for that.  When I cam home I started crying and went online and talked to a couple friends online.  I actually spent 4 hours talking to them.  It was really good to be able to talk to people about what happened.  They also convinced me that I needed to report my rape.  Which I am doing first thing Monday morning.  I am actually looking forward to it even though I don't think they will be able to do anything about it.  I can't let myself sit and be a victim anymore.  I can't be a victim to anyone about anything because by being one I also let them have control over me.  I don't want anyone to have that power any more.  I actually feel really good about this decision I think part of the reason I didn't report it right away was not only feat but also ashamed.  Ashamed that I let it happen to me yet again.  Ashamed I put myself in that situation.

 

Well instead of waiting until Monday to report it, I went and reported it tonight.  Within the week, he will know that I have brought it to the police.  Now I need to figure out if I want to get a restraining order/OFP. I should also be hearing from an investigator this week.  I am still scared to death of all of this.  I am so glad that I am in counseling. 

[Teros]

Where are you?  Updates!

[Tehya]

Where are you?  Updates!

I'm still here.  Not much to update.  Well that's not true, just a lot I'm thinking about.  I will post an update in guild thread.

[Teros]

K, just wanna make sure you're ok.

[Tehya]

K, just wanna make sure you're ok.

Yea... Just been busy helping neighbor with funeral stuffs. :-( But that is all done as of tomorrow when we actually bury her. :-) Thanks for caring terosx!

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

[Chris-Tien Jinn]

Funerals ... and the work that happens after ... are a surprising amount of bother.  Thanks for helping your neighbor!

[Tehya]

If NF is suppose to be all about helping people feel better about themselves, why is it that there are people who are always making you feel like shit?  It happened to me again tonight while in the NF chat room.  It has me to the point where I will NEVER step "foot" in there again.  There are certain people there that a majority of the time I talk, make me feel stupid, a piece of shit or that I wasn't as good as they were.  People may think that I am "too sensitive" but they have no clue what I have been through in the past or what I am going through now.  GROW UP PEOPLE!!!!