zenLara's journey

[WhiteGhost]

17 minutes ago, zenLara said:

I saw you had a discussion about inner criticism in your thread, I would have liked to take part on it, but there were so many messages,

The part on my thread is actually overflow form a couple of discussions in other threads.  I think it started with Rogue Librarian, because that is essentially his theme for his challenge, and then the discussion spilled over into Hatter's thread, then mine.  

[Lara]

So, where am I, after all this time?

 

I have the overall feeling that the year was a waste. I know it's not true, but I seem to have this negative filter on for a while now and every experience seems to run through it. I don't like it, but I haven't found yet a way to change this.

It is true that it was a tough year. Cuxo passed away in january, then my lessons with BigGuy didn't go as I expected, then I had two teeth pulled out, then the landlord wanted us out and the whole moving mess arrived right at the end of the scholar year, and I didn't enjoy summer feeling tired and overwhelmed after the move. Then my boyfriend's surgery and then the new year at work, which was busy as hell. I've been feeling drained and not very positive, and I have stopped working on my goals for long bad streaks (even stopped self-defence lessons for a couple of months). Still, I have to be positive, because if I take an objective outlook to the things I wanted to improve, this is what I get:

 

1. Freedom of movement ----> totally better. Even with so many periods of inactivity I got better at this. I'm more flexible, have better posture, have less headaches.

2. Being stronger ----> this is not better. I can't do push-ups or pull-ups, and I have less stamina than I used to.

3. Outdoors ----> well, it's not the big outdoors, but I walk about 3 hours a week, now that I live farther from work. I haven't spent much time in the country or the small woods, but still when I go it's usually the best experience of the week. So I keep wondering why on earth I don't do it as frequently as before. Went for a run in the country this very week, after so many months without even a short sprint, and to my surprise I held on quite well. Maybe I'm not so unfit.

4. Eating healthier ----> this has its ups and downs, but I think it is a tad better than other years. There's usually  a lot of vegetables on the table, and when we order food, we've switched from pizzas to sushi, so it's healthier. Having some trouble with breakfasts right now.

5. Owning more clothes ----> this is quite good for the first time in ages. I have found that a sports shop near here sells a couple of models of cheap climbing jeans, which are more comfortable than the ones I can buy at regular shops, and I have plenty of t-shirts. Thanks to the WHM I don't need sweaters anymore, or only in very specific occasions, so I need to go shopping for less items. Also, I've discovered that I'm finally big enough to buy the smallest man's jeans size, and that opens a whole new world of simple, nice, comfy clothes to wear.

6. Clean and decluttered house ----> this house is smaller than the other, which makes it way easier to keep it clean. Unfortunately, it is more difficult to keep it decluttered, since there is less space for things. Satisfied with having less books.

7. Growing savings ----> we had a lot of big expenses this year, and I'm proud I was able to face all of them without trouble, but now my savings account is at 0 and I have to start over. Also, my boyfriend is earning way less this year than the years before, so 2019 is probably going to be a tough year regarding money.

8. Reading ----> this is better. I have decided I don't have to read so many books per year. Quite the opposite, I've chosen a couple of books I thought would be interesting, and I'm reading them slowly, reflecting on them, taking notes, trying to grasp its contents. The result is that I'm reading and re-reading a few pages every day and feeling good about it.

9. Icelandic ----> despite all the mess I haven't abandoned it. I'm not working on it fully, but I take at least a few minutes every day to take a look at r/iceland on reddit, read a few comments (even commented once in icelandic!) trying to learn daily life vocabulary and expressions.

10. Music practice ----> good. I haven't taken any more lessons, partly because of money issues, partly because I'm so f*** scared and feeling the material is not ready at all, and I have all these negative memories about the last time. Went through a very hard period during summer, quite depressing, didn't want to play anymore, but it got better when I started to focus on music and well-being.

 

Also, I've taken up two things I've wanted to do for a while: maths and drawing. I've completely forgotten highschool maths, so I've started to take an algebra college course on edx, that uses Alecs AI to organize your practice and I'm enjoying it a lot. Then for drawing, I always wanted to keep an art journal, so I finally signed up for a course in sketchbook skool, and I'm getting a lot of fun. Drawing is giving me peaceful and quiet moments with myself, and it might be a hobby to keep in the long run.

 

Now, what do I want for the new year. I think I'm just going to take care of my actions every day. I want to improve my life a small tad every day, every week, even if I am not fully sure about the direction I'm taking. I know which things make me feel good, and I know which ones don't. I want to take care of myself, to focus on building a life I'm responsible for. I want peace of mind, I want growth, I want meaning. I don't really care if I don't reach any particular goals, such as ending the maths course or finishing a sketchbook, or having my next color on self-defence. I just want to take these small daily actions. 

By now, I've reduced my daily habits to the smallest action I can do every day about each of them, so even on those days when I don't have the time or don't feel like doing something, it won't be a zero day. It goes this way:

 

Icelandic: open r/icelandic and read one headline.

Maths: open Alecs and do one exercise.

Drawing: open the sketchbook and do a short sketch (2 minutes).

Yoga: sit and do a couple of neck cercles to reduce tension.

Music: take the flute and improvise for a couple of minutes.

Reading: read 1 page.

 

Many, many days I'll do way more than that, but then on bad days I would do at least that, so it would make me feel good that I've worked on my habits even when I didn't have the time or was feeling tired. Still, there are those endless work days when I'll be at work the whole day and I won't be able to do all of my mini-habits, but still I'm having this feeling of getting them established.

 

I'm thinking about starting a new battle log, partially because I feel this as a new stage -even if it really isn't so much of a change- and also because 20 pages long is too long for me for when I want to look up things. Also, given my emotional state I may just disappear again for three months in a row. We'll see.

 

[WhiteGhost]

39 minutes ago, zenLara said:

So, where am I, after all this time?

I was wondering this very thing this morning, and hoping you hadn't left for good.

 

So glad to see you around

 

40 minutes ago, zenLara said:

I may just disappear again for three months in a row

Please don't do that. We miss you!

[SymphonicDan]

If most people had the difficulties that you've had to deal with this year, they wouldn't have continued much of the expansive, self-development activities that you have! I respect your disappointment but you should be pleased how you've handled the year in general zenLara, well done 

 

Smart idea to do at least once small amount in each area of progress every day - I've just made a note to try that sometime! I hope you do continue posting here as I often get inspiration from what you are doing! Although I've been quite absent recently from here, oops =(

 

Good luck for the 2019 adventures!

[Lara]

4 hours ago, WhiteGhost said:

So glad to see you around

Thank you!

I've missed you all so much.

 

2 hours ago, SymphonicDan said:

I hope you do continue posting here as I often get inspiration from what you are doing!

That is maybe one of the best things I could read right now, thank you very much

 

Good luck to both of you in this new year!

[annyshay]

Echoing WhiteGhost and SymphonicDan. I love reading what you’re up to! Great to see you returning. *hugs*

[Lara]

On 12/25/2018 at 2:29 PM, annyshay said:

Echoing WhiteGhost and SymphonicDan. I love reading what you’re up to! Great to see you returning. *hugs*

Hi! 

[Mad Hatter]

I’m so happy to see you back, especially since you’ve had such a rough year. I love love love the approach you’re planning to take in the new year. In the last few months I’ve come to realise that even though these small goals might not be as sexy and shiny it’s what I need. So hopefully we can be buddies! Though I’m starting from a much more basic level, need to get my shit together first haha. To echo the others it’s fantastic how much you’re still able to do even when things get difficult. It’s really rather inspiring.

 

Big hugs!

[Lara]

3 hours ago, Mad Hatter said:

I’m so happy to see you back, especially since you’ve had such a rough year. I love love love the approach you’re planning to take in the new year. In the last few months I’ve come to realise that even though these small goals might not be as sexy and shiny it’s what I need. So hopefully we can be buddies! Though I’m starting from a much more basic level, need to get my shit together first haha. To echo the others it’s fantastic how much you’re still able to do even when things get difficult. It’s really rather inspiring.

 

Big hugs!

So nice that you came by

I agree, they are not shiny at all. Let alone sexy... But this is how life is right now.

Thank you very much. It really helps reading those words. Lately I've been feeling like I am a mess and have nothing to give to the world, so this encourages me, both to keep going and to share what I do.

 

New battle log is set up and working!

 

[Mad Hatter]

1 hour ago, zenLara said:

Lately I've been feeling like I am a mess and have nothing to give to the world, so this encourages me, both to keep going and to share what I do.

You have a lot more to give the world than you can ever realise.  

[Elastigirl]

Welcome back!

[WhiteGhost]

11 hours ago, zenLara said:

Lately I've been feeling like I am a mess and have nothing to give to the world

Do not listen to Lilith, she's a damn liar!  Life doesn't always go as smoothly as we like, but I've seen you work through your struggles and anxiety which has inspired me many times, and I'm sure many others as well.  

 

9 hours ago, Mad Hatter said:

You have a lot more to give the world than you can ever realise.  

So much this!

[Lara]

15 hours ago, Mad Hatter said:

You have a lot more to give the world than you can ever realise.  

I should print your message and hang it from my mirror or something. Thank you.

 

5 hours ago, WhiteGhost said:

Do not listen to Lilith, she's a damn liar!

The thing is, she speaks some truth now and then. If only I could make Lilith collaborate with Lara, instead of being so angry and resentful at her, they would be awesome together.

Thank you for the kind words. They really mean a whole lot right now.

 

[WhiteGhost]

23 hours ago, zenLara said:

The thing is, she speaks some truth now and then

The most effective lies contain significant elements of truth

[Lara]

So, here I am, back to my old thread, given that the battle log I've been keeping for the last year has been erased in full, apparently by some GL that considered it contained spam. Great. I'm angry, and frustrated, that I have lost so much information, and that there is nothing I can do. I didn't feel like opening a new thread because I'm so angry I'd probably title it "ask me before you erase me" or "GL go home", so I'll post here until I'm calmer and have decided what to do.

 

Anyways, the week has been a bit overwhelming. Only a few things have changed due to my new state, but they are making life a bit more challenging:

1) I feel cold. Aaaaall the time. Even at work. I'm well aware it is not cold, but I'm using all my winter clothes. I'm seriously worried about what will I do when winter comes if things continue to feel like this.

2) I don't want to move. I want to be cozy in bed, or sitting down. I have skipped gym this week. I still walked every day, about 40-50 minutes a day, and did yoga a couple of times (I felt very good afterwards), but I'm reluctant to anything that involves spending energy, and I think it's related to number 3.

3) Food. I need to eat every few hours, otherwise my sugar levels drop and I feel like shit. It has taken me a whole week to understand what was happening and find a meal schedule that would assure me a better energy supply. It doesn't help that my body is not enjoying protein right now, and I find myself stopping after a few bites when it comes to fish and meat, even if I'm still hungry. I can keep on eating anything else on my plate, just not the meat or the fish. Good side is that I seem to have lost any interest in sweets, and that my senses of smell and taste are enhanced so I enjoy food x1000.

I guess I'm lucky enough since I have no dizziness, or morning sickness, or mood changes, and that I'm enjoying food so much instead of feeling nauseated like most women. Doc said my 3 little problems might disappear in short time, when I make it to the 12th week. That's my hope.

In the meantime, I got an ultrasound done and little Wolverine is fine and already has feet and hands, although I could not see whether there were any metal claws in there. Probably too soon.

[deftona]

3 hours ago, zenLara said:

So, here I am, back to my old thread, given that the battle log I've been keeping for the last year has been erased in full, apparently by some GL that considered it contained spam. Great. I'm angry, and frustrated, that I have lost so much information, and that there is nothing I can do. I didn't feel like opening a new thread because I'm so angry I'd probably title it "ask me before you erase me" or "GL go home", so I'll post here until I'm calmer and have decided what to do.

 

This is weird - @Tanktimus the Encourager can anything be done? 

[Tanktimus the Encourager]

11 minutes ago, deftona said:

 

This is weird - @Tanktimus the Encourager can anything be done? 

Sadly, we've looked into it and so far have come up empty.

[WhiteGhost]

I don't think the claws develop until the 3rd trimester. 

 

Hopefully the feels are related to the hormones and that as you progress you will get back to normal

[Lara]

13 hours ago, deftona said:

 

This is weird - @Tanktimus the Encourager can anything be done? 

Yeah, no. Tank and WhiteGhost were great and restored the thread the first time it was deleted, because it was in a trash can, but now it's gone for good.

The GL responsible for it has sent a PM to apologise, which I really appreciate, specially because I know her and I know she is sincere and that she is truly sorry. What I still don't understand is why wasn't I warned about anything. I mean, if I posted something that could be considered spam and someone reported it, shouldn't the person that opened the thread be told about? Something like "hey, it's not ok to post this in this site, I'm erasing your post" (the fact that the whole thread disappeared was unintentional). Specially because since I don't have the feeling that I ever posted anything that could be considered spam, I might repeat my action in the future.

[Lara]

11 hours ago, WhiteGhost said:

I don't think the claws develop until the 3rd trimester.

I'll have to impatiently wait, then.

 

11 hours ago, WhiteGhost said:

Hopefully the feels are related to the hormones and that as you progress you will get back to normal

After I wrote my post yesterday, I saw the pattern more clearly: no protein ----> no energy ----> no movement ----> too cold, and each item reinforces the others, lack of protein being at the base. So I'll use the gelatin powder I've got and distribute it through the day, and I'll add as well a couple of coconut oil spoons after each meal to help with energy supply. Also, there are a couple of three protein sources that my body is accepting as usual, so I'll stock up on them (I used one of those as a snack yesterday and afterwards I was my usual me, so it confirms my suspicions).

[Mad Hatter]

Oh no! You've been so unlucky with the threads recently!

But, instead of getting angry and upset, maybe it's time to see it as a fresh start?  

[Lara]

29 minutes ago, Mad Hatter said:

But, instead of getting angry and upset, maybe it's time to see it as a fresh start?  

I'm trying! I feel much better today, in fact.

I could open a new thread and share all types of disturbing processes of my pregnancy

[Lara]

Apparently, I was right about protein intake. Today's been better, and I've managed to be quite active until now, including groceries shopping, bra shopping, and a 1 hour walk at a very good pace in the country. Also managed to get blood sugar levels in control. Cold* is still there, though, but I guess it might take a bit to fully recover from these past 2 weeks.

 

*I'm needing a thermal shirt, a fleece, a warm hoodie, and a short anorak to face 8ºC

[WhiteGhost]

5 hours ago, zenLara said:

I'm needing a thermal shirt, a fleece, a warm hoodie, and a short anorak to face 8ºC 

Have you ever looked into the Wim Hof Method?

 

 

[Mad Hatter]

22 hours ago, zenLara said:

I'm trying! I feel much better today, in fact.

I could open a new thread and share all types of disturbing processes of my pregnancy

Haha it is a morbidly fascinating process!

 

Geez I would die of heat if I wore that many layers. :/ I get super warm in a fleece and a thin sweater...