zenLara's journey

[Lara]

4 hours ago, KB Girl said:

is that yours?

Yep 😀

She's spent about a week playing with that puzzle and today I thought "could she do it with her feet?" and that one was her third attempt.

[WhiteGhost]

You've got one talented wolverina on your hands  

[KB Girl]

On 11/8/2020 at 10:08 PM, zenLara said:

Yep 😀

She's spent about a week playing with that puzzle and today I thought "could she do it with her feet?" and that one was her third attempt.

Holy sh*t!

Cool! 

How old is she now?

[Lara]

On 11/11/2020 at 2:37 PM, KB Girl said:

Holy sh*t!

Cool! 

How old is she now?

She'll be 5 months next week.

 

I try to spend plenty of floor time with her, but she still doesn't seem to have any interest in learning to crawl or roll and she only wants to play seated. She's learnt that she can press her feet and legs against the floor while sitting to get on her feet, and standing is quickly becoming her favourite position. This puts her in trouble when she wants to reach a toy, because she tries from a standing position and her brain doesn't seem to know yet how to go in any direction when standing. So she tries to get to the floor by letting herself fall, sees she can't move that much either and then she cries out of frustration *sigh*

On a different note, we've been listening to plenty of music, and while at the beginning she was all for strings, I've found that the style she pays the most attention to is classic jazz and that the trumpet makes her laugh for whatever the reason.

 

Sleep is still hell. Had another couple of "good nights", when she "only" woke up every two hours, but she's still stuck with a really bad pattern. 7 weeks like this (yes, I'm counting) and I'm starting to feel genuinely depressed from lack of sleep. I'm lucky that she's a very active but a quiet and nice kid, so my days are not stressful, even when tiredness is starting to feel too much.

[Tanktimus the Encourager]

My mom says I crawled for a day or two then stood up and walked. Some baby's just don't crawl much. The sleep situation sounds really hard. I'm sorry things are so rough right now. I hope they get better soon.

[KB Girl]

Mine just started army crawling at 7 months old.. and her big sister didn't crawl until she was 9 or 10 months old and that is still not considered to be late- and she walked 2 or 3 weeks later, like Tank says. 

My first was the same with floor time- I think it was actually because we helped her sit up, so that was far more interesting. Now my second hasn't ever been seated yet so she doesn't know she should prefer that position and seems to be quite happy on the floor. 

 

I'm sure you've been over it all, but any thoughts on what's waking her up so often? (or rather I should say what is preventing her from going into another sleep cycle?) 

[annyshay]

Hi Wolverine and Wolverina! Hope sleep works better soon.

[Lara]

This is going to be quite a disorganised post.

 

Spoiler

It’s been 3 months since Wolvie’s sleep crisis started, and it doesn’t seem it is going to end soon. I talked to the pediatrician this week, and she told me Wolvie is a very active kid that is developig very quickly, and messy sleep comes with the territory. She burns phases fast, and all those changes make nights a party. She said she’s almost sure that by 10 months she won’t be just walking but running, which seems quite an exaggeration to me, but it also seemed my SIL was exaggerating when she said Wolvie would be on her feet at six months and yet here we are.

My life has been a mess the last 3 months. I’ve never expected the consequences of bad sleep to be so serious.

Her good sleep pattern consists of 2and 1/2hr+2hr+1hr+mess. Those nights I may easily get 4 fragmented hours myself. But her most usual pattern is 2h+1h+1h+absolute mess, and I usually get around 3 hours of sleep in small doses.

Things started to be really bad after about a month and a half. Until then, I had been fighting a deep feeling of loss of identity: since the scarce time by day I could let her with her father was used for napping, my life was suddenly ripped off of movement, outdoors time, any reading or learning, or anything that remembered slightly my old life.

Then I started to notice the effects of total lack of social life, and I began to feel gloomy and depressed. Then, I started having trouble to focus and began to forget things or to be unable to remember when things had happened, such as “yesterday, when we had chicken for dinner…” and my boyfriend would say “that was 3 days ago”, or “we had that dish today”.

Really dark gloomy thoughts began to creep. I was totally unrational. I didn’t want to take pictures with her because I thought I looked like her grandmother and not her mom. I began to be paranoid about my boyfriend always arguing with me. I would cry every evening and feel exhausted the whole time. Everything ached. Feet, back, neck, head, felt sick the whole time. I lived in a perpetual hangover.

I felt trapped and could’t imagine a future when she would sleep better enough for me to feel good again. Began to think nothing was worth it.

Stopped enjoying food. Eating was something I just needed to do, but hadn’t interest in. Began to skip meals. Carbs cravings went up to the roof and I had no willpower whatsoever. Every doughnut, cake, candy, or whatever I ate made me feel like a failure. All of my healthy habits were gone.

My sleep pattern was so broken, sometimes I couldn’t sleep when I found the time. I just couldn’t. This was extremely frustrating and sometimes would put me in a terrible mood for the whole day.

On “good” days I would think it was in my hands to change thinks, to start doing a little something with my life, to care for at least one meal… to find out in the end that I had no energy to invest in any of that.

These last 2 weeks, she’s began to have some good days, maybe 2 or 3 in the same week, and I’ve also been able to sleep better when left time to do so. I think this is because I decided to go out every morning, and walk in the sun (or at least daylight if too cloudy) with her, to try to stimulate her circadian cicles and make mine to work better. I had realised that I had been so tired I could spend days without going outside by day, only taking a walk in the evening, and that was worsening the situation.

What I’m going to do from now on, I have no clue. I keep walking early in the morning, I take her outside at every opportunity I have. Since we’ve been doing this, I’ve been able to get back to sleep more easily every time she wakes me up.

Pediatrician’s opinion wasn’t easy to accept, to be honest. It is true that Wolvie is a bright, joyful kid, and time with her is amazing. I just wish I could be more able to enjoy it. I do my best every day, because I don’t want any of this to affect her daily life, but it is damn hard.

 

[deftona]

It's really lovely to hear from you Lara!

 

Spoiler

I'm sorry things are so tough. I can only imagine how hard it is to function on such little sleep, and I am sorry things took so long to start improving. Hopefully now though, they have. You need to give yourself more of a break - things are really really tough and you're doing your best. It won't always be this hard. 

 

[Mad Hatter]

I'm so sorry. I truly have no idea how you do it. But you are! I obviously can't speak of the challenges of motherhood or give you any real advice, but I do know that you're not alone in your struggles with sleep or PPD. And it is ok to struggle. And it will get better. Just stay strong. You are amazing and I'm really glad to see a post from you!

[Tanktimus the Encourager]

That sounds really super hard. I'm so sorry things are so rough.

[WhiteGhost]

It is great to hear from you.  The struggles are real, very real.  It gets better though, so hang in there.  Virtual hugs coming through for you  

[Lara]

Thank you, guys. It means a lot to have someone out there listening (I'd put a lovely heart emoji here, but for some reason, my browser gets blocked every time I click on one of them. Don't know whether it is normal, first time I'm using my phone to post here). 

 

I've been feeling better this week, since I've had several good nights in a row, and only one of those awful nights when she wakes up every hour or less, and it helped take the decision to start something. So as we say here "año nuevo, vida nueva", I'll set up a new battle log and start from scratch.

[Lara]

Done!

 

[Lara]

CHAPTER 16: PYATILETKA 

 

The main aspect of this new chapter is that I'm going to focus in long-term evolution. I'm going to consider where I want to be in 5 years, which kind of person I want to be, which identity I want to build, and work towards it at a slow but steady pace. 

There won't be any focus on results, no shiny syndrome, and I won't be analysing my "progress" until at least 6 months of regular work. I'll be just doing, improving, or modifying, small tasks that will get me closer to what I want. 

 

On a first approach —things may change— this is where I want to be in 5 years: 

 

1. Healthy eyes. 

2. Effortless free playing. 

3. Best fitness ever. 

4. Zero addictions. 

5. Healthy mind (the base for 2, 3, and 4). 

 

What am I doing this month (and probably for the next other 3): 

 

1. Reading-resting exercise, every day if I can. 

 

I needed a new prescription for my glasses but after 20 days of work I don't need it anymore. In fact, yesterday I had to switch to an old pair of glasses because the ones I was using were bothering me. 

 

 2. Effortless mastery. Apply it to my random piano work. Listening to new music.  

 

I'm full of doubts, about being able to apply this to my flute practice, the day when I'll return to it (I don't count on doing so at least until summer, so there is time enough for mental improvement). It's easy to apply it to the piano, since I don't consider myself a pianist, therefore I have less trouble to lower my standards and feel free to think only about enjoying music, so that's where I'm starting.  

 

3. Cold shower. Watch IS videos and make at least one attempt of workout (the mere attempt counts).

IS its too complex for my current situation. I'll go with the very basics and try to do some basic bodyweight moves along the day.

 

I'm working towards 2 minutes of cold water at the beginning + 2 at the end but I'm not in a hurry (currently 1+1'30). 

 

4. 1€ in my piggybank every time I want to buy or eat something sweet or bread, and I don't. At the end of the month I can spend that money on anything I want. 

 

5. Techniques of the month: ocean waves breathing + breathing reminders. Planning and journaling. Daily thoughts.

 

 

Many days I can't do much, but others are better. It still depends on how much sleep I have, which depends on Wolvie's own sleep. Level of activity and achievement will also depend on how much free time I get, only a few minutes here and there usually, and most of them are for chores. But what's important is that I'll be trying to do a little bit everyday and that I'm aiming for the long run. My to-do list now is not about what I want to do every day, but about encouraging myself, and help me see that I actually do many things, even when it seems I don't.

[Mad Hatter]

38 minutes ago, Lara said:

The main aspect of this new chapter is that I'm going to focus in long-term evolution. I'm going to consider where I want to be in 5 years, which kind of person I want to be, which identity I want to build, and work towards it at a slow but steady pace. 

Great approach considering how chaotic life is!

 

Though I'd argue that fitness is the base for a healthy mind, not the other way round.  

[Lara]

18 hours ago, Mad Hatter said:

Great approach considering how chaotic life is!

 

Though I'd argue that fitness is the base for a healthy mind, not the other way round.  

I hope I'll hold on!

 

I like to think of it like a two-way road. But in my case, one of the lanes is a mess that keeps telling me I will never achieve anything because I'm frail, weak, clumsy and whatnot. That hurts my training whatever the activity and makes it more difficult to have fun and play freely with my body. I want to change that part.

[Mad Hatter]

8 hours ago, Lara said:

I hope I'll hold on!

 

I like to think of it like a two-way road. But in my case, one of the lanes is a mess that keeps telling me I will never achieve anything because I'm frail, weak, clumsy and whatnot. That hurts my training whatever the activity and makes it more difficult to have fun and play freely with my body. I want to change that part.

Yes those lies are definitely worth getting rid of!

[Lara]

End of March update. 

 

I do as many small actions as I can everyday. A good thing that lack of time has brought to my life is that procrastination is gone. The moment I get some me time, I run to do some work. Not only because there might be no other opportunities later, but because I feel eager to jump into action, and that is helping to  maintain both the streak and the spirit. 

 

Effortless mastery is bringing up a lot of subjects to think upon. I hope I'll succeed in applying all the advise contained in the book. At the very least, it is making me review plenty of practice and performance habits.   I'm by now working at the piano, and it is a totally different way to play and practice, more relaxed and focused, and I'm enjoying the music a lot more. I hope it could change the way I feel when I play the flute, I feel so limited by my mind.

 

Decided to reduce training to the simplest: 10 squats, 1 push-up, 10 seconds plank, and 10 seconds hanging from the bar. That is something I can do everyday (or almost) without problem. I also take short walks carrying my human dumbbell.

 

Lately, I don't feel like taking cold showers. I've gone from 1'30"+2' to be unable to stay for more than 30 seconds. Some days not even that. I blame it to my recent weight loss. I've lost 5 kilos in the past 3 months, which is way too much for me. I've been refusing to eat, like in my worst anxiety periods years ago, probably as a consequence of extreme tiredness from lack of sleep. Fortunately, these past days, Wolvie has began to extend her sleep periods into 2 hours chunks and that has been enough to give me back some energy. I hope she'll maintain this pattern, because she had a regression to a 45 minutes pattern a couple of weeks ago and it was maddening. This week, I could go outside in three occasions , in the morning, instead of napping. Went to the hills and laid down in the sun and it felt wonderful.

 

I'm doing more or less well with sugar and bread. I've been adding more healthy carbs, and saving the money I would have spent on junk food. Instead I spent this money on a couple of books I've been interested in for a while.

 

While I don't have as much time to journal as I'd like, I have instead plenty of time to think, so I try to do most of the work in my head and then take note of the conclusions or the more significant ideas. New technique of the month will be the use of affirmations. I'm probably not keeping the ocean waves one, but I'll still use the breathing reminders.

 

Things are going well, so I have no reasons to modify anything. Maybe if sleep continues to improve, I'll add more time outside.

[Mad Hatter]

16 minutes ago, Lara said:

I do as many small actions as I can everyday. A good thing that lack of time has brought to my life is that procrastination is gone. The moment I get some me time, I run to do some work. Not only because there might be no other opportunities later, but because I feel eager to jump into action, and that is helping to  maintain both the streak and the spirit. 

Not having time is a great productivity hack!  I definitely suffer from the opposite, having all too much of it => endless procrastination! 

 

Glad to hear you're doing ok!

[WhiteGhost]

On 3/29/2021 at 6:42 PM, Lara said:

Wolvie has began to extend her sleep periods into 2 hours chunks

Yay for progress, may she continue on this trend until you all are sleeping through the night.  Remember these days, because in about 13 years from now you will be spending all of your energy trying to wake her up  

[Lara]

April update.

 

It feels like two months have elapsed, instead of just one.

She had another sleep regression (45 minutes chunks again) the moment she began to crowl and walk, which both happened on the very same day, and the lack of sleep threw me to the pit.

Beginning of movement has occurred along with other changes, like using some of the sign language we had shown her so she can communicate a bit better until she can talk, but it has also been paired with a strong separation anxiety.

Therefore, the month has been bittersweet, with many milestones to celebrate, but with me dragging my feet and feeling like a pitiful zombie all day long.

I stopped working on any of my goals, telling myself it's just a short halt and that things will get better soon. 

In the meantime I also happened to hurt my neck and wake up my old lesion. 

Weight loss hasn't stopped, and I'm in pre-nerdfitness weight. That's truly worrisome.

No cold showers since weight loss began to be serious, my body will just say no.

Barely no movement, aside from carrying Wolvie to the park on sunny days (not many).

I've been reading Steinbeck and I loved it. Not that it was a goal, but that is my achievement of the month.

[WhiteGhost]

13 hours ago, Lara said:

both happened on the very same day

Crawl to walk in <24 hours?  Looks like we have got ourselves a Wolverine in the making here  

 

It sounds like you are still in a rough spot, lack of sleep can really be debilitating.  It will get better, though, I promise.

[Endor]

Hey I found your battle log, long time no see! 

 

Sounds like things are hard at the moment. She must be 9 or 10 months old by now? Soon it will be time for her birthday and you'll have made it through a whole year! 

 

When I'm really busy at work I find it hard to sleep at night thinking about everything that's going on. I guess for a baby it might be similar, all these new things and challenges to think about. She is very lucky to have a mother who loves her and cares for her.

 

Long term sleep deprivation must be so tough, I had some friends that went through it and in the end they went to a sleep clinic.  I think it was this one: https://www.tresillian.org.au/  Perhaps they have something similar near you?

 

I hope you start to feel better soon. 

[Endor]

Hope you're going ok, I'm sure life is busy with the bub, make sure to take time for yourself too x