zenLara's journey

[Lara]

Hey, guys, how is it going?

Thanks for asking!

Life is not that busy, but it still revolves around Wolvie's awful sleep patterns. I lost more weight and there are many days when I. Just. Can't.

I'm trying to do some things for myself now and then, though. Sometimes only a couple of times a week, others are better. I saw the new challenge but the mere thought of it made me feel sad, weak, and totally unprepared to rebuild my life and habits.  

 

Wolvie is one year old now, and she is already able to walk on her own (it is fun to see her angrily refuse your hand when you offer her help). I have recently bought her her first pair of shoes, minimalists of course 😊  She still loves eating all kinds of things, and I still discretly pile on her plate the vegetables I don't like... She is sweet and clever like all kids her age, and loves going to the park to toddle around and meet people.  

 

In-laws are still the worst, even more than before, and things have recently escalated.

Spoilered for length and colorful language:

Spoiler

Wolvie has spent months fascinated by bikes, keeping her eyes on every kid or adult passing by on one. So we decided to buy her a tricycle for her birthday. It was the only toy she was getting and we were expectant

When she saw it she was amazed as she had ever been. She touched it everywhere and then asked me to help her get on it. It looked that it was the most exciting moment of her life so far, she had an expression on her face I had never seen yet, it was so beautiful to see her proud, happy and a bit scared on it. Then, fil approached us, said some stupid thing like "come here, motorbikes are a men's thing" (the tricycle looks like a Vespa) and pushed her away strongly and fast. She didn't fall, but got very scared and cried. He totally ruined that moment for her on purpose, and only because of his childish need to get attention. I grabbed the kid and went to another part of the house to calm her, then helped her get a nap.

Later on, he was all hehehaha about what he had done and looked at me with that stupid giggly face and I just said "ah, pues ¿sabes? A mí no me ha hecho ni puta gracia. Pero que ni puta gracia". (I'm sorry I don't even know how to translate that). He looked surprised at me and I left without letting him apologise, which anyway he wouldn't try to do. I was pissed as ever, because he hurt the kid on such a special moment, just because he wanted to be the one getting attention instead of her. That man is an idiot and an asshole and I'll do my best to keep my child away from such piece of shit.

Sorry for all the strong words, but this happened yesterday and I'm still upset. 

(needless to say that was on top of plenty of other "jokes" he played on her).

 

[deftona]

I liked your comment before I read the bit about the FIL. What a horrible man, you're right to keep him as far away from your child as you can. 

 

I'm happy to hear Wolvie is doing well, even if she's still not letting you get a lot of rest! Hopefully she learns the beauty of sleep soon. 

[Mad Hatter]

Power tripping at the expense of a toddler is so frickin' cruel. 🤬

 

Hope you'll get some more me-time soon!

[KB Girl]

3 hours ago, Lara said:

Wolvie is one year old now, and she is already able to walk on her own (it is fun to see her angrily refuse your hand when you offer her help). I have recently bought her her first pair of shoes, minimalists of course 😊  She still loves eating all kinds of things, and I still discretly pile on her plate the vegetables I don't like... She is sweet and clever like all kids her age, and loves going to the park to toddle around and meet people.  

 

❤️ how time flies! which shoes did you get? I'm loving wildling shoes for mine  

 

3 hours ago, Lara said:

Life is not that busy, but it still revolves around Wolvie's awful sleep patterns. I lost more weight and there are many days when I. Just. Can't.

I'm trying to do some things for myself now and then, though. Sometimes only a couple of times a week, others are better. I saw the new challenge but the mere thought of it made me feel sad, weak, and totally unprepared to rebuild my life and habits.  

Very relatable and mm dunno if it helps but just wanted to let you know it's normal and hard and you're doing great and it will get better.

 

3 hours ago, Lara said:

In-laws are still the worst, even more than before, and things have recently escalated.

 

I'm so sorry such a special moment was ruined for you both.. any chance you'll be able to permanently banish them?

[Tanktimus the Encourager]

Damn, that stinks about FIL.

[WhiteGhost]

What an awful encounter.  Your FIL behaves worse than most toddlers I know

[Lara]

Thank you for coming by and saying a few words. I was totally mad yesterday. I just couldn't let it go. I'm calmer today, but still pissed.  I'm glad that you all agree, because after I wrote the post I had doubts that I had overreacted because of fatigue and having spent the whole day dealing with the guy.

 

18 hours ago, KB Girl said:

any chance you'll be able to permanently banish them?

Yeah, no 😔 at least while they still live so close. Maybe in a couple of years they'll move up north and spend most of the year up there.

 

20 hours ago, deftona said:

Hopefully she learns the beauty of sleep soon. 

No worries. If not, me and my vacuum will be patiently waiting until her teens to have a well earned revenge.

 

18 hours ago, Mad Hatter said:

Hope you'll get some more me-time soon!

I do have me-time now. What I don't have is energy to do anything productive with it. 

I think too, that I've got used to just sit and rest the whole time, even when I'm not that tired. It's like I don't see myself as an active person anymore, like my brain has been rewired to think that's all in the past. I've began journaling about this, to see if it helps.

 

18 hours ago, KB Girl said:

I'm loving wildling shoes for mine  

I didn't know the brand and they look awesome. Are they zero-drop? They don't mention it on their website. Have you tried their winter wool boots? If they are warm enough they would be perfect!

I've chosen a spanish brand, and I'm quite happy, but they're difficult to buy because they get all sold out the very same day they announce new models. So I'll probably be looking for something different next time and you gave me an excellent idea.

 

I hope you're all doing well, challenging yourselves and doing good in the world. Let's hope I'll join you again soon!

[Endor]

Glad you are going ok (ish) and enjoying time with Wolvie. 1 year already!! 

 

I think it's all been said about FIL, I would never leave her alone with him. You did well not to physically assault him, what a total arsehole. 

 

Hopefully she got to enjoy the bike after he'd left?

[NeverThatBored]

On 6/26/2021 at 12:00 AM, Endor said:

Hopefully she got to enjoy the bike after he'd left?

+1

 

Poor Wolvie! I want to come yell at your FIL for you. 😡

[KB Girl]

On 6/22/2021 at 4:29 PM, Lara said:

I didn't know the brand and they look awesome. Are they zero-drop? They don't mention it on their website. Have you tried their winter wool boots? If they are warm enough they would be perfect!

 

yes! they're the most minimal minimalist shoe I've ever tried  the winter wool is VERY warm, I didn't even get to wear them this winter because it wasn't cold enough- but I did enjoy them in winters past. The only down side is that they're not truly waterproof. 

I seriously love this brand, havent worn anything else in 4 years now. They're also really ethical and have excellent customer service. 

[Lara]

On 6/26/2021 at 6:00 AM, Endor said:

Glad you are going ok (ish) and enjoying time with Wolvie. 1 year already!! 

 

I think it's all been said about FIL, I would never leave her alone with him. You did well not to physically assault him, what a total arsehole. 

 

Hopefully she got to enjoy the bike after he'd left?

 This past week has been better. The school year ended, so boyfriend doesn't go to work anymore, and we're dividing nights with Wolvie, which helps me to get more rest, and therefore, more energy and better mood.

 

In-laws are spending their summer away, we probably won't see them until September. That's a relief.

 

She loves the bike. She is still a bit insecure about the thing having the ability to move 😂 but she likes it and doesn't seem to remember what happened.

 

On 6/29/2021 at 3:17 PM, NeverThatBored said:

+1

 

Poor Wolvie! I want to come yell at your FIL for you. 😡

He is going to make me lose my patience one of these days...

 

On 7/1/2021 at 5:00 PM, KB Girl said:

yes! they're the most minimal minimalist shoe I've ever tried  the winter wool is VERY warm, I didn't even get to wear them this winter because it wasn't cold enough- but I did enjoy them in winters past. The only down side is that they're not truly waterproof. 

I seriously love this brand, havent worn anything else in 4 years now. They're also really ethical and have excellent customer service. 

Well, in the end I contacted them, and you're right, excellent (future) costumer service. They solved all my doubts, and I ordered a pair for myself to see how they feel. They will arrive this week, and if I like them, I'm sure Wolvie will get ones for the winter.

I've seen the boots are very very warm. I've read a couple of reviews saying they're good even below zero temperatures (although not very far from zero), and if you say they are too much for warm winters, then excellent!

 

I've began doing yoga, not every day, but I'm past day five of a 30 day challenge (it will last more than 30 days, sure) and I have hopes I'll be able to keep on doing it.

I've been reading a bit about loss of identity and it made me feel better. I have been feeling pretty bad, emotionally, but I wasn't sure it was postpartum depression. Identity loss suits much better what I've been experiencing, and I hope I'll be feeling better soon, specially if I start to have longer sleep periods.

 

Senddng hugs and smiles to everyone! 💖

 

[KB Girl]

Glad you’re feeling a bit better! I think struggling with identity loss should be talked about loads more because it really is a big part of becoming a mom. And it can be really hard. Glad it’s helping you to identify (part of) the problem! 
 

Hope you like the shoes   

[Endor]

On 7/6/2021 at 11:27 PM, Lara said:

She loves the bike. She is still a bit insecure about the thing having the ability to move 😂

Ah how cute! 

[Lara]

On 7/7/2021 at 12:05 AM, KB Girl said:

Glad you’re feeling a bit better! I think struggling with identity loss should be talked about loads more because it really is a big part of becoming a mom. And it can be really hard. Glad it’s helping you to identify (part of) the problem! 
 

Hope you like the shoes   

Well, it was of great help to find all those mom blogs talking about it. It's weird how everybody warns you about ppd but no one mentioned this to me. It was a relief to finally understand what I'm going through.

 

I love the shoes!!!

 

 

[Lara]

One of the problems I got with my Pyatiletka is that I tried to start with everything at once. Obviously couldn't do it and it contributed to my frustration.

So.

(sigh)

I've been journaling. 

Thinking about which type of role model I want to be for my daughter.

About feeling like myself again.

And about prioritising within the plan:  which thing would give me the most with the minimum time investment? It was easy to answer: my dear WHM.

I went cold turkey and did the yoga warm up, the breathing, the push-ups, the meditation, and the shower. Old sensations came back easily, got retentions times longer than two minutes, stayed under the cold water for about five minutes watching my mood raise as time went by and when I got out I felt uplifted like I hadn't been in a long time. Energy came back like in the old times, and a 45' walk uphill and a 15' run followed without effort. Legs ache by night but I didn't care. I've done this for two days in a row and I feel a totally different person, closer to my old brave self.

(It was a reality check to go downhill following the trail, and wonder how my old me used to run through those places without fear when now I can barely walk without falling). 

 

My only other me-time by now will be devoted to effortless mastery. 

 

If I get to keep these two habits for two months, I'm thinking of a couple of rewards: 

 

- a copy of the kachaturian's concerto

- a yoga program focused on strength and flexibility, probably Erin Motz's one (not sure about this one since it's an expensive one and I don't think I'll have time to make the most of it once I get back to work in September). 

 

Wish me luck, I seriously need it.

[Endor]

Seriously cool.  (pardon the pun!)

 

Glad the wimhoff is effective again and it sounds like the movement and fresh air are also really helping. 

 

Happy for you that you're finding some relief and progressing.  Also can't wait to hear about all the mythical creatures you supposedly see on your adventures

 

[Lara]

1 hour ago, Endor said:

can't wait to hear about all the mythical creatures you supposedly see on your adventures

 

[WhiteGhost]

8 hours ago, Lara said:

Old sensations came back easily, got retentions times longer than two minutes, stayed under the cold water for about five minutes watching my mood raise as time went by and when I got out I felt uplifted like I hadn't been in a long time. Energy came back like in the old times

This  is wonderful to hear!  I'm glad you have found a way to bring the Wolverine out of her cryostasis  

[Lara]

13 hours ago, WhiteGhost said:

This  is wonderful to hear!  I'm glad you have found a way to bring the Wolverine out of her cryostasis  

I think the wolverine is going to remain asleep by now... I have a huge work ahead if I want to get my claws back (I chickened out of a slope today, one I used to descend without any trouble). But I'm on my way.

 

My ankles were yelling at me this morning when I got up, so I only run for a few minutes today just to get some blood flow, and instead did my way back walking barefoot.

 

Three days in a row where I've been rested, in a good mood, and active. A bit scared it won't last.

[KB Girl]

On 7/15/2021 at 4:59 PM, Lara said:

Three days in a row where I've been rested, in a good mood, and active. A bit scared it won't last.

Oef yea I recognise that feeling.. it might go away for a little while again, but it will come back much faster! 

[Endor]

On 7/16/2021 at 12:59 AM, Lara said:

instead did my way back walking barefoot

walked back barefoot.  

 

Tell me if I'm being annoying rather than helpful and I'll cease and desist! After all this time I'm still impressed by your English, use of "chickened out" surprised me the other day. 

[Lara]

On 7/17/2021 at 10:20 PM, KB Girl said:

Oef yea I recognise that feeling.. it might go away for a little while again, but it will come back much faster! 

Yeah, it decreased over the weekend and led to a bad Sunday, but I'm feeling better again today.

I've seen you're battling with your own struggle. Courage!

 

On 7/18/2021 at 10:11 AM, Endor said:

walked back barefoot.  

 

Tell me if I'm being annoying rather than helpful and I'll cease and desist! After all this time I'm still impressed by your English, use of "chickened out" surprised me the other day. 

Not annoying at all. It's always nice to learn.

In this case, what happened is that I wasn't thinking in english when  I wrote that.

But chicken out is quite a common expression, isn't it?

 

A week later,  WH has happened everyday, and I've done each day either some more yoga or a long walk, with a bit of running.

Also, six days of effortless mastery.

Didn't need to rely on willpower, more the opposite, everyday I was eager for those little me-moments.

[Endor]

1 hour ago, Lara said:

A week later,  WH has happened everyday, and I've done each day either some more yoga or a long walk, with a bit of running.

Also, six days of effortless mastery.

Didn't need to rely on willpower, more the opposite, everyday I was eager for those little me-moments.

This is so great, well done. Even better that you're enjoying it. 

 

1 hour ago, Lara said:

In this case, what happened is that I wasn't thinking in english when  I wrote that.

 I thought that was the case, sometimes I write or speak French the same way so I recognised it!

 

1 hour ago, Lara said:

chicken out is quite a common expression, isn't it?

yes it is relatively common,  however it's an idiom, I think you need pretty good experience with a language to be able to use those kind of expressions. If you trot out some similes I'll also be impressed! 

[Tanktimus the Encourager]

1 hour ago, Endor said:

This is so great, well done. Even better that you're enjoying it. 

 

 I thought that was the case, sometimes I write or speak French the same way so I recognised it!

 

yes it is relatively common,  however it's an idiom, I think you need pretty good experience with a language to be able to use those kind of expressions. If you trot out some similes I'll also be impressed! 

I'd Say Lara has pretty good experience with English. I didn't know she was a non-native speaker for a long time.

[Lara]

Circumstances led to no WH for a week and I ended in the pit again.
Then bf has began to complain: he can't do half of the night with Wolvie everyday because it's tiring and needs to sleep more. Oh, really?
So I'm back to sleeping by day and no me-time for half of the week.

I'm grumpy and tired. She's back to her 45 minutes pattern. In fact, tonight she woke up every half hour from 11 pm to 4 am. And from what I've seen this is going to last for at least another year.

Some days I'm optimistic, and see the silver lining of my new life. She's cute, and fun, and clever, and I like to wander with her with no purpose other than to inspect every little stone, insect, and leave in our way. She loves meeting new people, and this happens all the time because everybody wants to look at her hair and she immediately takes the occasion to start "talking" and begin a relationship, specially if there is a dog in the group. She has learnt to give hugs and kisses, and she gives them all the time and it is lovely to see her smile at you and stroke your cheek. 
Other days, like today, I can only think about all the things I miss in my life, how I've lost all my balance, how my achievements are gone: anxiety is back into my life, I eat crap all the time, I live a sedentary life... I don't even want to think of my music practice. I don't know what I'll do when concert dates approach...

Also, bf and I have always had a very good relationship, we could sit and talk about our differences and look for a positive way to improve things, and now we seem to be mad at each other the whole time for things that have no real significance.

 

Everything is upside down. Some days, like today, I think I can't keep going. But I must. Which only adds more frustration.