zenLara's journey

[deftona]

Oh Lara, I can only imagine how frustrated you must be finding all this. I have no experience here so someone else will come along and offer for practical advice but I just wanted to let you know I empathise with what you're going through. Chronic lack of sleep and tiredness is horrible and when it's as relentless as this is, I'm not surprised you're feeling what you're feeling, but those feelings are valid and what you're going through is HARD. 

 

 

[WhiteGhost]

All the hugs for you Lara.  I know what you are going through is tough so sending over all the good vibes I can muster.  

[Lara]

Thanks for the support guys. I feel like I'm drowning while nobody cares about it. 

 

Sometimes I think really bad about myself. There are couples out there that have children with health problems, or have serious health problems themselves, or any other kind of troubles, and deal with really tough situations. I say to myself I should not complain. My kid is just perfect. She's healthy, eats well, is always happy and never got sick so far, everybody is surprised at how sociable and loving she is, and so on. The only thing I have to deal with is lack of sleep. And yet I spend my time thinking about how hard this is.

 

I feel excluded from grown-up conversations (my in-laws don't even say hello or goodbye to me anymore, is like I'm only a thing holding the kid), because people will only talk about the girl to me, and go to other people in the room to chat about other things. What maybe is not that bad, since I have lost the ability to think, put order into my thoughts or reason about any given problem.

I have serious short-term memory troubles. I can't remember what I have done barely half an hour before. Sometimes I review my day and it's almost blank. 

[WhiteGhost]

Oh for sure.  The lack of adult conversation is common for a lot of new parents.  Poor short term memory is a classic symptom of sleep deprivation.  I can only imagine how hard it must be to deal with both at the same time.  I am over here cheering you on (even though it is from the other side of the world)

 

PS, your in-laws are the worst.   

[deftona]

1 hour ago, Lara said:

I have serious short-term memory troubles. I can't remember what I have done barely half an hour before. Sometimes I review my day and it's almost blank. 

+

1 hour ago, Lara said:

The only thing I have to deal with is lack of sleep. And yet I spend my time thinking about how hard this is.

 

But this is the thing - lack of sleep, particularly at the chronic levels you are experiencing it is a major thing to be dealing with. There is a reason it's a torture method. And not only are you experiencing this chronic lack of sleep you are also taking full responsibility of a human being that can do very little for herself and given how happy and intelligent she is you're doing a really good job of it too, despite your personal struggles with sleep. Sleep is fundamental and not having had a decent night of sleep in over a year is a HUGE thing to be dealing with.  Other parents may have children with more complex needs than yours but who is to say that is harder than coping with this level of chronic exhaustion? You can't quantify something like that, it doesn't matter what other people are going through or if it might or might not be harder than what you're going through. Don't feel guilty for struggling, these are the trials you are coping with and that is where it ends. 

 

Your life completely changed overnight when you had a child, in ways you probably expected but nobody could have foreseen a sleeping issue this significant. You're entitled to feel whatever you're feeling, and being sad about the personal achievements  you aren't getting any more, or a lost sense of self is completely understandable and do not make you a bad person. This is a really challenging time for you but it won't last forever and you will get part of yourself back in time when Wolfie is sleeping better and you can satisfy your most fundamental needs. But in the meantime we'll always be here for you to sound off to.

 

Big hugs and a ton of support to you ❤️ 

 

 

[Tanktimus the Encourager]

Sleep deprivation makes it very hard to communicate in helpful ways. That all sounds so hard. I'm sorry things are so difficult. 

[Mad Hatter]

I'm not going to reiterate how extremely important sleep is for cognitive function, or sanity, but here are some hugs! 

[KB Girl]

I'm so sorry things are so hard.. and you absolutely have every right to complain, even with all the positives you've listed and the amazing job you're doing, it's still incredibly hard and sad. 

 

With my first kid (the bad sleeper) we got someone to babysit twice a week, my bf would take her in the morning and I'd just sleeeeeep and then have some time to myself before picking her up. Would that be an option for you? Honestly think that saved my sanity. 

[KB Girl]

10 hours ago, deftona said:

+

 

But this is the thing - lack of sleep, particularly at the chronic levels you are experiencing it is a major thing to be dealing with. There is a reason it's a torture method. And not only are you experiencing this chronic lack of sleep you are also taking full responsibility of a human being that can do very little for herself and given how happy and intelligent she is you're doing a really good job of it too, despite your personal struggles with sleep. Sleep is fundamental and not having had a decent night of sleep in over a year is a HUGE thing to be dealing with.  Other parents may have children with more complex needs than yours but who is to say that is harder than coping with this level of chronic exhaustion? You can't quantify something like that, it doesn't matter what other people are going through or if it might or might not be harder than what you're going through. Don't feel guilty for struggling, these are the trials you are coping with and that is where it ends. 

 

Your life completely changed overnight when you had a child, in ways you probably expected but nobody could have foreseen a sleeping issue this significant. You're entitled to feel whatever you're feeling, and being sad about the personal achievements  you aren't getting any more, or a lost sense of self is completely understandable and do not make you a bad person. This is a really challenging time for you but it won't last forever and you will get part of yourself back in time when Wolfie is sleeping better and you can satisfy your most fundamental needs. But in the meantime we'll always be here for you to sound off to.

 

Big hugs and a ton of support to you ❤️ 

 

 

You may not have kids but you do know exactly what to say! 

[Lara]

Thanks everybody for your words. I've been feeling lonely lately, like if I were alone in the world. Your words help a lot.

 

12 hours ago, WhiteGhost said:

The lack of adult conversation is common for a lot of new parents.

I didn't expect it to be so marked. I mean, I find it normal that people want to know about the child and ask me questions, but not that I'm "forgotten" when it comes about other subjects. Also, nobody seems to care anymore about me. I haven't heard a "how are you doing" in months. Like I said, it's like I'm just a coat rack the kid is hanging from.

 

12 hours ago, deftona said:

Big hugs and a ton of support to you ❤️ 

I've read your message several times. Thank you for taking the time to write it.  It really helps. 

You're right that I'm being harsh on myself, but I think I stopped being rational about many things a long ago.  And yes, I didn't expect it to be so difficult. I have friends that have a kid that sleeps poorly too, but when they complain about a bad night (he's been waking up every three hours) I can't pity them because I'd wish I'd could have nights like that. Then I recently met a woman at the park that is in the very same situation that me, but her kid is 18 months old and she said she can't cope anymore and has asked the doctor to prescribe a sedative for the kid. MIL says we should do the same, but I find that option unhealthy, to say the very least (dangerous would be a more appropriate word probably). 

 

7 hours ago, Tanktimus the Encourager said:

Sleep deprivation makes it very hard to communicate in helpful ways. That all sounds so hard. I'm sorry things are so difficult. 

I think the situation between Mr. Lara and me is not as bad as it could be, but I tend to be annoyed very easily now and have no patience for actual conversation. I mostly want to be left alone and not have to discuss anything. Obviously that can't be, so I end up angry and frustrated. The same way that I had never known this level of tiredness, I had never experienced so much rage and frustration.  I'm using a meditation for anger, and the feeling is so intense, sometimes I can't even breath properly.

 

2 hours ago, Mad Hatter said:

I'm not going to reiterate how extremely important sleep is for cognitive function, or sanity, but here are some hugs! 

Thanks! 💕

 

2 hours ago, KB Girl said:

With my first kid (the bad sleeper) we got someone to babysit twice a week, my bf would take her in the morning and I'd just sleeeeeep and then have some time to myself before picking her up. Would that be an option for you? Honestly think that saved my sanity. 

We don't have a babysitter, but I usually get some me-time/sleep time in the morning, while boyfriend takes care of her and she takes her morning nap. Only that if I choose to sleep, it contributes to my bad mood because I find it depressing to sleep by day. I'm weird like that.

 

 

We're going on a short trip, a couple hours from home, to see how Wolvie takes it when we go on a longer ride (until now she's only managed to be in the car for about 45-60 minutes). We'll stay in a small house in the middle of a forest (probably not even phone signal there) and I hope it will help me to feel better.

 

Hugs to everybody and thank you again. It's been nice to feel supported after these weeks feeling lonely. I hope life is treating you all well.

[KB Girl]

On 7/31/2021 at 11:40 PM, Lara said:

Only that if I choose to sleep, it contributes to my bad mood because I find it depressing to sleep by day. I'm weird like that.

That’s not weird, it IS depressing because you could be doing better things with your time. So necessary though when you’re so sleep deprived.. 

 

hope you have a good trip!

[Endor]

Sorry to hear you're going through a tough time. On top of lack of sleep we're in a pandemic.  The background stress that this global situation has created with all the uncertainty it brings is not to be underestimated.  It removes a sense of optimism about the future, which is something we all fundamentally need.  Hard to put my finger on, down here we're calling it covid fatigue and most people are experiencing it, even the most resilient.  

 

On top of that you've got lack of sleep to deal with, which erodes anyone's patience and rational thinking.  When you're tired it's hard to be reasonable and not overreact to things that you would normally take in your stride.  

 

The fact you have self awareness around this behaviour even in your tired state is a sign that you are a caring and cognisant person, you're awesome Lara. 

 

Loneliness is very difficult to feel, especially where you feel excluded.  I hope things will improve. Here to offer you support. 

 

If you can manage to get out for a walk on your own it might help you clear your head.

 

Fingers crossed you enjoy the trip to the forest. Can't wait to hear about the mythical creatures you saw

[Lara]

Hi guys, I've been away a while again. Life is still hard, but I'm feeling more positive.

 

On 8/11/2021 at 12:45 AM, Endor said:

On top of lack of sleep we're in a pandemic.  The background stress that this global situation has created with all the uncertainty it brings is not to be underestimated.  It removes a sense of optimism about the future, which is something we all fundamentally need.  Hard to put my finger on, down here we're calling it covid fatigue and most people are experiencing it, even the most resilient.  

The pandemic itself doesn't seem to have had a big toll on me. After all, I've been sheltered at home, instead of going to work, I've only met trusted people outdoors, and now I have my vaccines, and the kid has developed her own protection through breast milk. But, anyway, I've began to take more and more time away from internet, news, and specially user comments, and have focused more on reading actual books (when I find a little time) or writing.

 

On 8/11/2021 at 12:45 AM, Endor said:

The fact you have self awareness around this behaviour even in your tired state is a sign that you are a caring and cognisant person, you're awesome Lara. 

Thank you very much. Kind words are really appreciated, specially after I had another encounter with in-laws that didn't go well.

 

Holidays were nice, Wolvie got into a brook for the first time and she enjoyed it. We didn't hike much (I saw TWO eight-legged unicorns, Endor!!), but the place itself was interesting enough, specially for her. She came back home with her legs and feet (we've both been barefoot most of the time) full of scratches and bruises, so we could say she had fun.

After a week home, we saw the heat wave coming, and decided to go up north to my old apartment. It was a long trip but we did plenty of long stops, so Wolvie took it well. At the apartment we've been busy repairing things, but it has been a nice stay so far, with good weather and plenty of time outside in the beach and the woods. We also made a couple of short trips to Portugal as we always do when we are here, because it's such a nice country.

Brother-in-law and wife visited us for a few days and it wasn't nice, as I've already mentioned. 

 

Then, I've long been thinking I'm not getting out of this pit on my own, but I've been repelled by the therapists I've visited where I live, so I had the idea that I could call my old therapist here. We hadn't seen each other for the past ten years but she remembered me, and was happy to hear about me. She found a couple of hours for me, and that was real help. She knows me well, so she could easily see the roots of my problems and offered solutions and other ways to look at my situation that are already working. Since covid pandemic started she also offers online sessions, so there are chances we will continue working together when I'm back home. 

 

Something I see more and more as a priority is the need to get my nutrition back in place. My sleep-deprived body asks for plenty of carbs but that is no excuse to eat whatever my hands pick from the pastries aisle. The thing is I don't know where to start. I can't cut down on sweets if I don't have healthy replacements that are as easy to find and consume, because I have zero willpower right now. Any ideas are welcome.

 

To read only if you're interested in gender studies 😜

Spoiler

As some of you might remember , Wolvie doesn't wear earrings, which has proven to be more interesting than one would think. Apparently, it seems to be the only way for people to be sure about she being a girl (aside from asking, but most people won't bother) and I've made a few discoveries. 

First, people are embarrassed when they finally ask for "his" name and find out she is a girl. It doesn't matter that I say "no worries, it's just a baby, I don't think she minds, and I'm ok with it", they keep apologising for a long while, probably for too long.

Second, colours: if she is wearing blue, red, orange, green, grey, black, or yellow, she is considered a boy (so many colours reserved for boys!!). If she wears light green, white, or purple, she is a girl. 

Third, vocabulary and attitude. People who think she's a girl, will use words like "cute, beautiful, nice, sociable, restless". People that think she's a boy, will use "likeable, active, brave". It's interesting considering that the girl's behaviour is the same.

If men think she's a girl they will just pass by or maybe smile when she waves at them; if they think she's a boy they will stop and talk back to "him", and will encourage her to keep on her task, saying things like "qué machote" or as I heard yesterday "xa ten barba o tío, ¿eh?". Women behave more or less the same no matter what they think, although they are more ready to pick her up if they think she's a girl.

 

[Lara]

I'm going to try to catch up on all of you, but I don't know how long it will take. I'll do my best.

[WhiteGhost]

On 8/21/2021 at 7:29 PM, Lara said:

She found a couple of hours for me, and that was real help. She knows me well, so she could easily see the roots of my problems and offered solutions and other ways to look at my situation that are already working. Since covid pandemic started she also offers online sessions, so there are chances we will continue working together when I'm back home.

I am really excited for this.  I so glad you were able to reconnect and that you may be able to keep working with her.

 

For Wolvie:

 

Hey Chica, keep up the good work wading barefoot through streams!  That's a good way for a brave, adventurous one like you to get powerful like your mama!

 

[Endor]

On 8/21/2021 at 9:29 PM, Lara said:

I saw TWO eight-legged unicorns

Amazeballs! Did you get a photo by any chance? I thought not..

 

[Lara]

4 hours ago, WhiteGhost said:

I am really excited for this.  I so glad you were able to reconnect and that you may be able to keep working with her.

I'm really looking forward to working with her again. She helped a lot in the past and as I said, she already gave me useful advice.

 

4 hours ago, WhiteGhost said:

Hey Chica, keep up the good work wading barefoot through streams!  That's a good way for a brave, adventurous one like you to get powerful like your mama!

She'll be even stronger!! 😍

 

3 hours ago, Endor said:

Amazeballs! Did you get a photo by any chance? I thought not..

 

I can't believe you found an eight-legged unicorn drawing in the Internet 😂 But that proves THEY ARE AMONG US.

[annyshay]

Hi Lara! 

[Lara]

12 hours ago, annyshay said:

Hi Lara! 

Hi! How are you doing?

[annyshay]

5 hours ago, Lara said:

Hi! How are you doing?

Hanging in there. It's been a rough year. I'm trying to come back to the NF-verse though!

[Lara]

On 9/1/2021 at 1:18 PM, annyshay said:

Hanging in there. It's been a rough year. I'm trying to come back to the NF-verse though!

I'm trying too but I don't seem to find the time. I'm back to work now and things are messy, in every sense of the term.

[Lara]

Well, it's been a while. Again.

Life is busy. And I'm also finding difficult to focus.

 

There are many things I want to "DO", but I'm trying not to let my brain start on the self-demanding song. I'm reading and learning from my reads, even if slowly, doing some yoga a few days a week, and walking to and from work. I was doing the WHM daily until I catched a really bad cold, I expect to get back to it soon.

I sometimes think of  starting something new: a daily journal, retaking a hobby, coming back to NF, etc. But then I do nothing, because there is so much to do at home and at work that I'm usually overwhelmed by the volume of tasks ahead, and the last thing I need is to have to take care of yet another thing. I think my brain keeps suggesting this because it wants some novelty, something shiny. But I realise anything would be on hold right after I had started it, because lack of time and energy to spend on anything.

 

I'm foolishly delaying to contact my old therapist for online sessions. I know she will help me put some order in my head, and also to lighten a bit my heart from all the feelings that are clinging there. But I resist to call.

 

My substitute at work was a piece of shit and not only he did not work at all with the students, but he spent big time making negative and even insulting comments about their playing. As a result I have one student that quit, other two that are completely lost and wanting to quit, and the rest has at the very least lost a whole year of progress and all their practice habits.

Aside from that, work is nice as always. It's good to have some adult company too. And obviously everybody missed me, since this guy was the worst to work with too, apparently (unpunctual, forgetful, lazy...).

 

Life with Wolvie is awesome. She's a big toddler now (in the full sense of  the term: she's 15 months old but the size of most 2 years old; she has certainly not inherited that from me) and she makes friends so easily I'm seriously thinking of taking notes and learn from her. I know she's got things easier, with that flamy wild hair that everybody loves, but still, she is good with people.

 

So life is nice and calm, although a bit stormy inside my mind. Brain is fried and hyperactive at the same time most of the days, which is a very weird state of mind. I guess lack of sleep is still the culprit (yes, it's still THAT bad).

[Tanktimus the Encourager]

Parenting is difficult. I hope you get to start sleeping regularly soon.

[Endor]

 

On 10/2/2021 at 8:24 PM, Lara said:

until I catched a really bad cold

until I caught a really bad cold

 

On 10/2/2021 at 8:24 PM, Lara said:

My substitute at work was a piece of shit

Pretty standard unfortunately. Hopefully you can repair the damage. 

 

---

Sometimes doing the minimum is the most you can do, nothing to feel guilty about at all. It sounds like having some work routine is helping and I'm especially glad you get to walk to/from work that'll definitely be good for you. 

 

Who's looking after Wolvie while you're at work, Day care? Hopefully not F.I.L.

[Lara]

On 10/2/2021 at 2:56 PM, Tanktimus the Encourager said:

Parenting is difficult. I hope you get to start sleeping regularly soon.

I've really lost all hope... I've accepted this is how it's going to be for at least another year and a half *sigh* I try to focus on the other aspects of our lives, which are awesome  

 

On 10/6/2021 at 1:07 AM, Endor said:

 

until I caught a really bad cold

 

Pretty standard unfortunately. Hopefully you can repair the damage. 

 

---

Sometimes doing the minimum is the most you can do, nothing to feel guilty about at all. It sounds like having some work routine is helping and I'm especially glad you get to walk to/from work that'll definitely be good for you. 

 

Who's looking after Wolvie while you're at work, Day care? Hopefully not F.I.L.

Worst about students seems to be to help them understand they have to get back into work. They have been slacking a whole year, and now it's hard for them to start over.

 

I have good and bad days. Sometimes I get into a nice routine, when I do yoga, walk, read, and do WH about 3-4 days a week and I feel great.  Then routine breaks, because reasons, and I feel awful. I start having thoughts (more fantasies than real thoughts) about getting back into self-defence (I don't even know if the gym still holds after all the covid stuff, or if I'd really like to get back into fighting again - maybe I just want to feel cool but I'm not serious about it anymore) or handstands, or feeling active and smart and all... Those are the worst days, because it seems I can only focus on what I have lost, and I feel depressed and think I'll never get back to being fit or to having actual me-time (sometimes I do have time, but zero energy because I just want to sleep).

 

We can't rely on daily care, because here it opens only from 7am to 5-6 pm. And we work from 3-4pm to 9-10 pm. So we chose to reduce our hours and our salaries, and instead of investing money on a superexpensive day care that would cover our hours (there is only one place like that in our city), we don't earn so much but instead have time for Wolvie. I work on mondays, wednesdays and fridays, and boyfriend works tuesdays, thursdays and saturdays. This is for this year, I don't know how we will solve next one.

I can't rely either on in-laws, not only because of how they behave (I must admit FIL is behaving WAY better, it's a relief), but also because of their total lack of commitment. As an example, a couple of weeks ago, Wolvie and boyfriend got sick and I had to go to work. There was no way that my boyfriend could take care of the kid in his state so I called my MIL and asked her to come home and help him while I was at  work (she's retired now so it shouldn't be much trouble).

Spoiler

- Hey, this happened, and I'd need you to come help us (10 am)

- Oh, sure. I'm having my morning walk right now, and then I have to do some stuff that needs to be done, and then, after lunch (4pm, they always have lunch really late), I'll see if I can take a train to your place.

- There is a train driver's strike, can't you drive here? Can't a friend come with you? (she's got a couple of friends that  would be delighted to see the kid)

- Nooo, husband needs the car for I don't know what. And I don't want to call a friend. Don't worry, some train will pass sooner or later.

I mentally calculate. She ends lunch at about 4, goes to the station, takes a train at about 5 pm, arrives at 6:30 pm at my city (it's a 40 minutes drive, but train network sucks) and walks all the way home from the station by foot (hell she's going to pay for a cab), that adds 40 minutes. Ok, she'll be here at around 7pm, the time I finish work on fridays and I wouldn't need any help anymore. I tell her I would need her to come around 3pm.

- Impossible.

So I decide not to argue anymore and tell her, ok, I'll call M***

- Who's that?!

- It's one of my student's mom, she's very kind and we're close and I'm sure she'll have no trouble to come and help us.

- Nonononononono, you don't need to call anybody else, I'll go, I'll go.

AAaaaarrgghghh.