zenLara's journey

[Lara]

Friday, april 21

 

Apparently, I'm back to eating crap I've spent a couple of months eating only healthy, nourrishing food, no effort done. And suddenly, ouch. Also my rhinitis has gone wild.

 

ACTION	TIME	RESISTANCE	FEELINGS
NECK&SHOULDERS	10 minutes	None	Feels nice. Makes me think I’m actively doing something to take care of my body.
PUSH-UPS	A few seconds	A little bit. While I was doing my stretching I was thinking “I won’t do them today”.	I put a bit of extra effort and did 7 this time. Didn’t feel actually proud, and kept wondering whether I am pushing myself too much on to doing things.
YOGA
SKETCH	20 minutes	None	I love it.
WALKING OUTSIDE
MUSIC	30 minutes	Only a bit	My breathing was too high to get a deep sound and I couldn't change it, and I didn't like it. It was less of a fight than other times, could at least try to relax. Brain is overly critical. Ended up tired, but not as frustrated as other days.
MEDITATION
BAR HANG
WH

[Lara]

Saturday, april 22

ACTION	TIME	RESISTANCE	FEELINGS
NECK&SHOULDERS	8 minutes	None	Relaxing
PUSH-UPS	A few seconds	A little bit	Why am I doing this?
YOGA
SKETCH	40 minutes	None	I bought a new sketchbook I thought could take light watercolors, but it can’t. Not even good enough for ink ☹ This makes my sketching a bit frustrating, because I put a lot of care on the drawing and the result is messy because of the paper. It was still fun, though
WALKING OUTSIDE	10 minutes	Quite a bit	Didn’t enjoy. It was all about arriving home and eating the pastries I had bought.
MUSIC	45 minutes	Only a bit. And I was bored, so why not to play a bit.	Breathing not deep enough. Frustrating and tiring. Thoughts and feelings of despair (I never played well, I never made it, I never had talent). I cried.   However, I do think I play more freely than I did when I first began studying with BigGuy. His lessons and my readings and journaling on Kenny Werner’s books have changed me. These thoughts made me feel less gloomy than usual. I even had the thought of starting a regular practice (which I have not done for the past 3 years). It doesn't mean I'm going to do it, but having the thought is enough by now.

Not sure about keeping the table format. I'm not sure is practical  nor I like it very much.

[Lara]

Sunday, april 23

ACTION	TIME	RESISTANCE	FEELINGS
NECK&SHOULDERS	2 minutes	Didn’t want to do even this	I got distracted with something and stopped stretching.
PUSH-UPS
YOGA
SKETCH	25 minutes	The only thing I feel like doing today	Great. I feel proud how a couple months ago I began sketching simple things like scissors and keys, and now I’ve grown to drawing animals. I don’t care about the results (which are not quite bad anyway) but about how I’m daring to draw things that I find difficult.
WALKING OUTSIDE
MUSIC	40 minutes + 15 minutes	None????	I was even a bit eager to play. Something has unblocked since last therapist session, maybe. I played random things that came to mind, and I was surprised to find myself making music in every note, all of them had something to say. I felt also quite sure regarding technique. What the hell? Even more, this morning I was feeling down and didn’t want to do a thing, and it was playing the flute what cheered me up.
MEDITATION
BAR HANG
WH

If I were to practice daily again, what would I include?

If I were to keep a practice journal again, what would I include?

I made two lists of things. Didn't feel that bad.

 

I made a list of what I think I deserve in life. It feels relaxing to go through the list and repeat it.

[WhiteGhost]

12 hours ago, Lara said:

I was even a bit eager to play.

Nice!  I was quite surprised to see this but happy for you and hope it lasts

[Heidi]

22 hours ago, Lara said:

I made a list of what I think I deserve in life.

I really like this.  

 

22 hours ago, Lara said:

I was even a bit eager to play.

This is lovely to read. ❤️ 

[Lara]

10 hours ago, WhiteGhost said:

Nice!  I was quite surprised to see this but happy for you and hope it lasts

Fingers crossed! I'm VERY surprised myself.

(I had answered this message before, but apparently it got lost in the internet dark hole)

 

39 minutes ago, Heidi said:

This is lovely to read.

Thank you, dear.

And thanks for coming and reading my mess. I know you have your hands full.

 

[KB Girl]

On 4/20/2023 at 11:19 AM, Lara said:

that I somehow need everything to stop so I can regain strength, but there seems to be no choice but to keep on going.

This is familiar! Sometimes really wish there was a sort of reset button or a giant pause button so I can sort out my stuff before having to go on with life. Maybe also sleep for a week

I suppose we'll just have to make do with small breaks and trying to regain strength while everything continues. 

 

On 4/23/2023 at 4:17 PM, Lara said:

I made a list of what I think I deserve in life. It feels relaxing to go through the list and repeat it.

This is lovely! Maybe a matching list with all the things you already have and deserve and are grateful for? 

[Lara]

5 hours ago, KB Girl said:

a giant pause button

me needs that

 

5 hours ago, KB Girl said:

Maybe a matching list with all the things you already have and deserve and are grateful for?

Most of the things on that list, I already have them, the problem being that I don't enjoy them enough because I unconsciously think I don't deserve them. Writing grateful lists or thinking about being grateful, doesn't usually work for me, and I think it's probably because since I don't enjoy/deserve these things, I don't value them enough either. Brains.

[Lara]

Monday, april 24

I ate so much crap today, I'll be surprised if I can even breath tomorrow morning I was so happy that I had left that phase...

ACTION	TIME	RESISTANCE	FEELINGS
NECK&SHOULDERS			Didn’t happen today, again. But I’m not feeling bad about it. I’ve been consistent, and I know I will keep the routine.
PUSH-UPS	A few seconds	None. I was all fired up after the shower (see WH)	Did 7 knee push-ups. Felt strong and high.
YOGA
SKETCH	20? minutes. I don’t know. I enter this flow state where time flies, and it’s always hard to say how long I’ve been drawing. Most days is a guess.	None.	I tried crows today. I am ridiculously bad at it.
WALKING OUTSIDE
MUSIC			Didn’t happen today, but I have plans. Head is boiling with ideas.
MEDITATION
BAR HANG
WH	30” cold shower	Some, but why not?	I was alone at home (that’s rare), and was listening to some music while I showered, and this song I used to count the cold periods of my showers popped up, and I thought, could I…? I wasn’t sure, but in the end did it. It wasn’t very cold, but ouch.

[Lara]

Well, this went off-track quickly 😅

I have more or less been doing the same: eating crap, stretching, and making plans for music practice. I got an awful day on tuesday. On wednesday, therapy session was tough and it left me emotional and tired for the rest of the day. Yesterday was better but too much work. I haven't had time to draw this week and I'm missing it.

[Tanktimus the Encourager]

I'm sorry you had a rough week. That stinks. I hope today is better.

[KB Girl]

I think it's probably a good sign when therapy is emotional and draining? but I hope you're feeling better this week! 

[Lara]

I'm still here.

Went on a short trip hometown so my parents could see Wolvie for a few days, and coming back I had to catch up with work.

 

I'm doing well, good moments, bad moments. I get stressed easily, but my routines are still working, I'm sketching and playing my flute. I don't have actual time to practice but I use it at work as much as I can. It took me a whole week to realise I'm having a really good sound and I'm playing beautifully despite the lack of practice and no physical strength whatsoever, so I'm wondering if maybe deep down my beliefs on the need of effort are changing.

[Lara]

I disappeared again. End of the scholar year, huge workload, and had problems with a painful tooth infection... Also, Wolvie made a huge change, has began to fight limits and all, healthy and necessary step, but sometimes wearing.

 

Therapy has been interesting and useful. We've gone deep down some of my beliefs. We went almost step by step through my music career, and it was a wonder to see how I have built a narrative that is the opposite to what actually happened. How I've altered memories, how I have made myself responsible -or guilty- for other's peoples behaviours and mistakes, how I kept telling myself I couldn't while at the same time I was doing the things I was telling myself I couldn't... The result has been me suddenly retaking my practice, in a totally different mental and emotional state.

 

I'm still being harsh on myself for not eating healthy and responsibly, and I'm not doing much regarding movement. There is a lot blocking my path here.

 

I feel better than the past months. I have a lot of ups and downs, but I can get back to what would be a "normal" state more easily. I have some nice, relaxing and positive sensations and feelings at random moments, which seem to confirm I'm on the right path. I feel like I can relax and enjoy life. Or at least some times

[Tanktimus the Encourager]

I'm glad therapy is helpful. I hope you are able to continue and identify more blocks.

[WhiteGhost]

The therapy sounds like it is helping.