zenLara's journey

[Lara]

Challenge is over and it's been a great success.

I've kept my routine, I've taken advantage of my highly developed discipline, and the results speak for themselves: I am a happier person. I've had bad moments, that's for sure, but when I've encountered stressful situations my ability to stay calm has improved. Obviously, there is still a lot to do, but after three months of working with the anxiety workbook and these last 6 weeks of even more focused work, I've got positive results. In fact, that fearfully expected crash I always suffer after some months of intense work didn't happen. That's worth all the effort.

 

What do I want to do next?

I think I have found a nice way to low my anxiety levels, but there are some things I'd like to improve:

 

- Procrastination is definitively one of the most anxious builders for me. So that is a thing which should be given much attention.

- Meditation and affirmations are great. I make them responsible for those moments of clarity of mind and objective thinking I've had when in stressful situations. I think they can do a lot more for me. I'm proud that I've created affirmations that truly work for me.

- Immediate mental reward. It would be awesome to introduce it next challenge.

- Exercise and outdoors. Rather good results here. But, I'd like to do some upgrading. Next challenge I'd like to workout 3-4 times a week in a more planned way to really develop stamina and strength, and to go for a short walk everyday I won't workout. Time outdoors does good to me, and walking a mile 3 or 4 times a week is not an overwhelming task. Also I would like to improve my flexibility routine, and do 2 focused flexibility exercises everyday. I have no idea yet of how I will manage this.

- I have to better treat myself when I need to slow down. I am much better than before, when I didn't even notice I needed to slow down. Now I do, but my mind is still reluctant and has tendency to critizice those off moments.

- It would be great if I'd start tracking my food again. I think I've been undereating this challenge, and that has had a cost on my energy levels. It's such a dull task I'm not sure I will succeed at it, but I must admit it would do me good.

 

Also, I am tired of having a place to track my foods, and a notebook to track my workouts, and a planner for my to-do list, a notebook for quotes and another where I write down my positive things... so I've decided to put everything in the same place to see the whole picture and ordered an uncalendar planner. I am thrilled about the idea, we'll see if it works.

 

Now I am on holidays, and I will try to enjoy them and relax. I have things to prepare for the next trimester, so I'll try to organize myself and not to procrastinate tasks, but I will be less demanding than during the challenge.

[karinajean]

yay! your challenge was really brilliant, and you were so successful. I am interested in the uncalendar planner too, I hope you will share it with us when you get it!

[Lara]

CHAPTER 9: REFLECTIONS AFTER ONE YEAR AT NERDFITNESS.

 

One year at NF

 

There have been 4 different moments this year.

 

First, the beginner one. This was very important. I read several articles at NF that made me understand what was failing in my life in what exercise was concerned and tried to apply this new point of view. Started slowly, one step at a time and I soon found myself having an exercise routine.

 

Second, I started to think on activities I'd like doing to have more fun and diversify exercise, and I started a strengthening program while keeping my eyes on the price: learning some basic acrobacies from a GMB program. Thinking backwards I feel this has been a great time: I focused on lifting, declined planks and eating a lot, and I think this has been the moment of the year I felt most strong and positive.

 

Third, I started the GMB program (oh! That crow!) and I soon realised I was far from being strong enough to accomplish what I was supposed to achieve. I kept on going for a while until several health troubles made me lay on the couch for a whole month. Then I decided to change my focus, as I could feel my main problem, anxiety, piling up as the beginning of the scholar year approached.

 

Fourth, worked on my anxiety for several months, to reduce it as much as I could to avoid the big Christmas holidays crash. It has been hard, but I've succeeded. No crash. When holidays arrived, I was tired, really tired, and I took a whole week to do absolutely nothing. It was an appropriate decision, because as soon as I recovered my energy I got back on track without any need to push myself. This also means I got to better know myself.

 

Where do I go from here

 

I still need to work on anxiety. Not only that there is room for improvement in my life, but besides this trimester is going to be hard and busy. I have several concerts planned with colleagues and students, I have a tap solo to dance in front of the whole conservatory, and will also have to deal with my usual amount of anxiety.

On the other side, physically I'd like to feel again like I felt in june. That was my great month this year: I was eating well, even put on one kilo of weight (and another one later), I was seeing my muscles and my strength grow, I was having fun with exercise... I want to recover that.

 

This is a lot of work to do and I need to plan it well. I will be needing daily slots for musical practice (2 different instruments this trimester) and exercise, but also have to tap more frequently to learn the choreo, and I have to keep anxiety at bay with daily meditation, breathing and rest. If I don't want to quickly feel overwhelmed I have to plan everything carefully and make sure I eat and sleep properly.

 

List of activities:

• Meditation: 5-7 days/week.

• Breathing: at least one exercise a day.

• Exercise: C25k, strength training, tap dance and mobility. I include C25k to assure myself I spend more time outdoors. The days I won't workout it would be great to go for a short walk so I keep moving and I keep going outside. I'll workout 3-4 times/week and walk the rest.

• Take my supplements.

• Resting: finding some moment everyday to rest. This is very important. I think it does me good to do it after lunch, when I usually get to have some 20-30 minutes before I go to work.

• Musical practice: I have to find 1 hour everyday to practice, plus half one hour 3-4 times a week for my recorder.

• I have to make the most of my weekends.

• Tap choreo should be ready, rehearsed and memorised for the end of next challenge, so I'll have a whole month to perfect it and reassure myself before the gig.

• I have to keep reading and telling affirmations to myself everyday. I think the best moment is after breathing or meditating, when I am deeply calmed and can feel them better, or before I go to sleep.

• It would be nice to have a short stretching routine before I go to sleep.

• Reading and icelandic will be left behind for a while, obviously, but I am sure I can read/practice on weekends, to relax.

 

How can I organize this in a challenge

 

Goal 1. Keep anxiety at bay. Meditation, breathing, resting, writing a list on positive things, and reading and thinking my affirmations. It's an easy goal because I've already built a routine on this.

 

Goal 2. Keep moving! It belongs to the anxiety group of activities, but as this is a very important item I'll treat it as a goal on its own. Strength workouts, tap dancing, running and walking outdoors, getting the choreo ready (I'll use mental rehearsal), short mobility work before sleep. What changes from last challenge is that I'd like to be more organized.

 

Goal 3. Music is life. 1 hour of flute practice 5 to 7 days/week plus extra time on weekends, including stage fright preparation, plus half an hour 3 or 4 times a week for the recorder. What's difficult is to find time for an extra instrument in a period of the scholar year where my performance duties have already increased.

 

Goal 4. Life support. Eat big, take supplements and sleep well and enough so everything else is easier. I'd like to track my food, but I am concerned this would add too much, specially because I find it a dull task to do.

 

Reminders. One of the most important things will be to get organized to accomplish everything, dedicating a short time to almost every item almost everyday so work doesn't pile up and I get anxious about. No procrastination allowed. No criticizing or judging allowed. Both things make anxiety worst.

 

Emergency alert. If anxiety does pile up and I can't handle it, I'll do like I did last challenge and stop some activities for a few days: goal 3 will be put on standby until I recover and I'll do less of everything; workouts will take the form of walks or runs. Health and peace of mind are more important than work or good performances.

 

Anyway, this time I'll start my challenge a week later. Here in Spain we are still on holidays and I want to give myself all this off-time. And also I have to travel to Lisbonne and back next weekend, so I hope to start my challenge on january the 12th. Maybe I'll extend it another week to make up for the delay.

[SymphonicDan]

You have these challenges down to a fine art now In which guild are you going to be working for your 5th challenge?

[Lara]

You have these challenges down to a fine art now In which guild are you going to be working for your 5th challenge?

 

I guess I'll stay with the adventurers for a while, I am doing so many different things that I guess it is the only place I can really fit in. When anxiety gets better I'll try to make more specific challenges

I've seen you've already posted your new challenge! Going to sub it

[Lara]

Done: http://rebellion.nerdfitness.com/index.php?/topic/58567-zenlara-a-great-opportunity-to-level-up/

[karinajean]

I super love your chapter 9 reflections. 

[Lara]

I super love your chapter 9 reflections. 

 

Thank you, hun.

I looked for your challenge the other day but it wasn't there yet. But now I see you've started your new thread!

[Guest]

Wow. I loved your review of your year at NF. It's amazing and you've certainly grown! I'm so proud of you Lara!!  

[Lara]

Wow. I loved your review of your year at NF. It's amazing and you've certainly grown! I'm so proud of you Lara!!  

 

Thank youuuuu

[Lara]

Although I am taking notes of everything on my challenge thread, I think I need to keep this here:

 

"Amazing success last night:

I am on a new chapter of the anxiety workbook, where it suggests an exercise to help connect with your feelings. So I layed down on the bed, relaxed deeply and asked myself "what do I feel", thinking that with all the crap I have inside I was headed for a bad moment. I waited, nothing happened. Did again the relaxation exercise, asked again and waited. And to my surprise a big feeling emerged and it was pride. Pride of myself, because of my efforts and specially for doing a workout that morning when I was feeling like not doing it. So I went to sleep with a big smile on my face.

 

And today I woke up and I'm feeling full of energy. And it has snowed again during the night, everything looks so beautiful!"

 

This is very important, because of two reasons. One, I am so sure I have such amount of anger and sadness inside that I always focus on that, so I don't let other positive feelings come out and express themselves, so they also get buried there. Two, even being true all that anger and sadness is there, positive feelings can find their way out if I give them the opportunity, and most important, they are really big too! Maybe I have this tendency to critizice myself because I don't let myself to really feel the good part. Waiting for new opportunities to repeat the exercise.

[karinajean]

I love this realization! I know there's a lot of human nature in focusing on the anger and sadness, but there's also a lot of human nature in focusing on the good, too. for many of us it's key to retrain our brains -- and you're doing that so well!

[Lara]

I love this realization! I know there's a lot of human nature in focusing on the anger and sadness, but there's also a lot of human nature in focusing on the good, too. for many of us it's key to retrain our brains -- and you're doing that so well!

 

Thank you! It was a nice thing to discover

[Lara]

Yesterday night I decided to take a step forward with one of my to-do things for life. I had written a will-see-bucket-list, and I was not very convinced of many of the items on it, except for two of them: learning icelandic and going to Island. First one is on the move, second one has always been a vaporous fantasy. Not anymore. I've decided I'm going July 2016.

 

I'll be saving 100 euros every month, 200 the months I have a bonus, and all the money I'll earn aside from my regular salary (private lessons, weddings, concerts...). It's going to be difficult, but I am sure I can cut money on other things.

 

My next steps will be:

 

- Consider how much time I want to spend there.

- Calculate an estimated cost of the full trip: planes, stay, food, outings, shopping, and car rent and gas if I decide to organize the whole trip myself.

- Decide if I want an organized trip or not (probably not, but I'd like to hear from other's experiencies first).

- Find if I'd need an authorisation to drive in Iceland in case I choose to do it.

- Decide if I want a travel insurance. Does spanish social security cover me in this country?

- Which are the places I want to visit? Which activities do I want to do?

- Will it be worth to buy a paper guide?

- What are my bank options if I have an emergency (get robbed, lose my money or don't have enough)?

 

---------------

 

First 100€ in my savings account!

[SymphonicDan]

Yay I've wanted for a long time to go to Iceland. Some old schoolfriends are also interested so it might happen.

 

Insurance: usually a good idea

Social security for healthcare: I think the EHIC card is a EU+{Norway, Iceland, Switzerland, Andorra, etc.} thing and will cover you for free, but check

Things: Blue Lagoon! Some people go around the entire island by car as there's so much crazy landscape to see, although it's quite a long trip.

Cost: Iceland is more expensive than Spain/England, it's probably worth putting in the extra effort to find good-value hotels etc. (whereas it wouldn't be worth it if travelling to Peru)

 

And you're going to amaze the locals by actually knowing some Icelandic! (They'll speak good English, but that's not the point )

[Lara]

I've learnt a curious thing while being ill. When I started to recover, my body started asking for carbs like a fool and was rejecting fats, so I followed its desire, staying as much as possible in a healthy range of carbs, except for some yoghurts with actual sugar and some bread. The discovery was that my hyperinsulinism was deactivated those days. I could eat high amounts of carbs without any problem. I guess body needed fuel as fast as possible and prefered to consume carbs to recover. As soon as I started to feel better, fat seemed more appealing again. Interesting.

[SymphonicDan]

That's very true^ ...I used to be very much in the "fat good, carbs bad" school of thought, but now it's clear that at times when your body has a shortage of energy (e.g. after exercise, when ill, etc.) it's good to give it plenty of carbs.

 

My current rule is that carbs are good when your body will use them immediately, and should be moderated otherwise.

[Lara]

CHAPTER 10: ANXIETY REVIEW.

 

A few weeks back I decided I wanted to do a recap on what has changed in my life since I seriously started to focus on my anxiety. 6 months had passed -now almost 7- since I bought Bourne's book on anxiety and I wanted to know to what point it has helped. I didn't have the time, I've been busy, but now it looks like a good moment. So here we go:

 

Anxiety symptoms that have TOTALLY disappeared

 

- Nose bleeding. It reappeared winter 2014 after almost 15 years. In periods of stress I kept on bleeding every morning, and also after every stressful situation, when arriving home afterwards. There is no sign of it now. It's the first symptom that disappeared (it had also been the last one to appear).

 

- Being so stressed at night that had to get up from bed at least twice to pee or I wouldn't get asleep. This has been happening every night for months, but it disappeared soon around christmas holidays.

 

- Overthinking when going to sleep. What helped me the most here was an exercise I took from the meditation website. I kept on doing it everyday for 2 months and then I spaced it a bit and used it only when needed. Now I go to bed and 30 seconds after I'm asleep.

 

- Lost of appetite. A usual sign that warned me I was near a crisis. Now I can keep on eating normally, which avoids weakness, which in turn always worsened the crisis.

 

Anxiety symptoms that have improved

 

- PMS. No cramps, almost no pain, no headaches, not feeling depressed, not grumpy.

 

- Anxiety attacks. Have diminished in intensity and in frecuency.

 

- Overall anxiety level is lower. I had a lot of work to do, and I had planned to do it in 3 months. Spent almost 2 of them sick and only got 1 month to do all my tasks. I did them anyway. In other periods of my life this could have been inconceivable because anxiety would have blocked me.

 

- Negative thoughts. Less frequent, easily refuted by my affirmations. They keep on being hard to deal with when in a very stressful situation.

 

- Bad sleep. I've went from continually awakening because of the soft noise of the heating, to be able to sleep 7 hours in a row with my boyfriend snoring at my side the night before a big concert without even changing position. This is not regularized yet, but it's on its way.

 

- Hair loss. This comes and goes. It's been reduced a lot since I started to take B vitamins and PABA. But this last weeks my hairbrush was full of hair again.

 

- How do I feel and think about events. Everyday life seems less stressful. I can manage everything better. I know that even if I feel anxious or stressed I can keep on.

 

- Stage fright. Physical symptoms are lighter. I have understood that I can go on despite them, but anyway it helps them being lighter. My brain also works better in these situations, because instead of negative thoughts, positive affirmations come to mind. When the situation is very stressful, though, like when playing a very difficult solo and the conductor gets mad with the tempo, negative thoughts do appear and make everything more difficult.

 

Things that have not improved at all

 

- Of the 4 anxious "personalities": the worrier, the perfectionist, the victim and the critic, only the worrier remains unbeatable. The critic and the perfectionist have yielded to my arguments and they even like this new approach focused on progress and on little everyday actions. And I have never been too much of a victim. The worrier, though, keeps on telling me problems will never stop happening, that I've done my job this time but who knows what will happen next time, and that even if I solve some problems others will be insurmountable, that I will overcome some fears but new ones will grow and I'll spend my whole life fighting. I am going to try to focus on self-esteem from now, and I think that will help me to worry less, meaning that I will feel stronger to face trouble if shit happens (as my worrier reminds me almost everyday). It's important to work on this, because the worrier can change a bright celebration day in a black wall of defeat very easily.

 

- Brain malfunction after very stressful situations. I still have lots of trouble to be objective and judge the situation as it was. Instead, my brain starts to tell me horrible things about my poor performance or my silly behaviour and I always end crying or feeling like crap.

 

- Jaw tension. It is true that it is not so tense as it was some years ago, when stress piled up on it and I used to have terrible headaches. But I notice tension almost everyday, specially after sleeping or at night when arriving home after work. It would be nice to learn to let it go instead of keeping it there.

 

Progression followed

 

I started with two basic points:

 

1) Short no-time-no-willpower-consuming actions that could be repeated everyday such as breathing pauses, relaxing exercices before going to sleep, and trying to remeber to mentally thank and reward myself for those actions (or other ones that I'd like to reinforce)

 

2) Aerobic exercise: Started C25K. Took the time to go to the country to run because it made me feel much better with the fresh air and the nature. Started to tap at home (screw the neighbors!). Whenever I felt anxiety piling up quickly while I was at home, I'd put my shoes and tap it off.

 

When this was in place, I started to work on negative thoughts and thinking distortions. Then affirmations, which also helped with distortions. I focused my affirmations on overcoming anxiety, but also on stage fright. I re-oriented my musical practice to overcome stage fright.

 

Then I read the supplementation section in the book and made a research. Finally decided to supplement, also to help with my recovery because I had been very sick, but focusing on anxiety. Big jump when zinc was introduced. Big big jump when zinc dose was doubled.

 

Now I want to start working on the self-esteem chapter and start adding more fat to my meals to restore sugar cravings to their usual level, that is, zero. I won't be trying to cut on bread or sugary things to avoid generating more anxiety, but will be adding more fat everyday. I know cravings will go away by themselves doing this. This has been hard because I hadn't had to face sugar cravings since I went paleo years ago and I didn't even remember how hard it was. Fat's my ally here.

 

The work I've done so far has taken more than 6 months. The book author said that a committed person could expect full recovery from an anxiety disorder in around a year. I aim for full recovery, but I don't mind if it takes a year, or two, or five. What's important to me is that I am making progress and that I'm changing the way I live my life.

 

Things I want to know more about

 

- Why valerian helps me to sleep deeply but shortens my hours of sleep. Maybe it's simply that I rest better so I need less hours.

- What zinc does to my brain. Doubling the dose to 200% of the RD makes me feel calm and "normal", with no anxiety at all. It kind of scares me to take such a dose, and I usually take half of it, and only 3 or 4 times a week, but when I used it to try to heal quicker from my cold I doubled the dose and it changed things a lot.

[Lara]

I am interested in the uncalendar planner too, I hope you will share it with us when you get it!

 

I've been using the uncalendar for two months now and I love it. There's even too much space!

I use the left page to write my main purposes for the week (there are 3 boxes for that) and I log my exercise routines and goals, and keep track of my essential and important everyday tasks, plus my supplements intake. Then on the right page I have one or two inspiring quotes for the week and I plan my work/practice schedule. I also write there the less important tasks for the week, or the ones that have to be done but can be delegated. There's even place for a positive things list.

I don't use much the monthly calendar, only to write down things that will happen but that don't have a date yet.

The notes section is useful to write down all the books I want to read or the music I want to hear. I also keep there a list of inspiring quotes and the books I've already read, and my plans for Iceland and next NF challenges.

The data section I don't use it that much either, but I like the graph space, where I've put a scale to grade the level of anxiety I feel every week.

I find it really useful. It allows me to have everything in one place. It's big, that's true, but that is not a problem for me, because I never carry my planner with me, it's always on my desk.

I am not sure the uncalendar can work for everybody because it has so much space and because you have a lot of liberty to assign every box, and that can be unpractical for some people. But I find it awesome, I can organize even each week differently if I want.

[Lara]

Tomorrow is my birthday. It's always a weird day. At home they didn't celebrate much my day, I only remember a few celebrations, and it was mostly having lunch with my aunts and uncles and one of the short and scarce visits from my little cousins. Rarely got presents. I grew up with this sensation of birthday being an unimportant day, and I kept on not celebrating it for many years. One time, some years ago, my boyfriend said "that's it, from now on, you're celebrating", and he really got to excite me through the week with preparations. On the day of my birthday things got really wrong and I ended up dining cold ribs alone at midnight. Since then I feel even weirder about my birthday. This year I was sure about doing absolutely nothing. My friends are far away, my boyfriend is away, and I thought it would be like every other day. But today I woke up and thought about it and realized I feel sad.

[Why not?]

Tomorrow is my birthday. It's always a weird day. At home they didn't celebrate much my day, I only remember a few celebrations, and it was mostly having lunch with my aunts and uncles and one of the short and scarce visits from my little cousins. Rarely got presents. I grew up with this sensation of birthday being an unimportant day, and I kept on not celebrating it for many years. One time, some years ago, my boyfriend said "that's it, from now on, you're celebrating", and he really got to excite me through the week with preparations. On the day of my birthday things got really wrong and I ended up dining cold ribs alone at midnight. Since then I feel even weirder about my birthday. This year I was sure about doing absolutely nothing. My friends are far away, my boyfriend is away, and I thought it would be like every other day. But today I woke up and thought about it and realized I feel sad.

I'm sorry to hear that.

 

Have you thought about doing something special for yourself?

[Lara]

I'm sorry to hear that.

 

Have you thought about doing something special for yourself?

 

Hey! So much time without hearing from you. Thought you had momentarily abandoned us How is it going? I guess you're still doing all those amazing things I could not even understand the names of.

 

I tried once to do as you suggest, but it didn't turn out as fun as expected. I think I don't have internalised this is an important day to me because it never was to people surrounding me.

On the other side, this is the first time in my life I am completely alone the day of my birthday, and I think that is what is making me feel so sad.

[Barfly]

You're not completely alone! Feliz cumpleaños, cara mia. :-3

[Lara]

You're not completely alone! Feliz cumpleaños, cara mia. :-3

 

Thank you very much!

[karinajean]

HAPPY BIRTHDAY! I'm super sorry I missed the actual day. <3 I think that with a little more advance planning you can make your next birthday spectacular. I throw myself a party every year because *I* want to.